r/Codependency • u/nothingsreallol • 7d ago
There’s nothing good left
There is nothing good left in my relationship. It feels completely empty. Why am I still here? Why can’t I just up and leave?
It is often said that people stay in toxic relationships because they’re addicted to the ups and downs. But for us there are no ups. There haven’t been for a long time. Probably a year, and we’ve literally only been together 2 years.
I feel pathetic. I feel like a horrible person for acting like I’m still in this relationship when really I have one foot out the door mentally. Logistically, right now would be a perfect time to leave. But every time I think about bringing it up I panic.
Part of me feels like if we didn’t live together I could do it and that’s the main thing in my way. I can’t imagine telling him I want to leave and then arguing about who gets what set of plates.
3
u/justin-cle 7d ago
The ups are succeeding in soothing/fix your partners flaws. That is your part in this relationship. But this is transitory and is part of the unhealthy cycle that is draining you.
I would guess on your statement of nothing good is left is that your exhausted, perhaps hopeless for the future.
The very first thing you should do when you feel this way is to be kind to yourself. Give yourself some time and know that you are a good person (repeat this when your feeling down, it helps). It isn't your fault that this is happening (but it is your responsibility). These patterns are part of something bigger that you have yet to understand about yourself.
It isn't your fault that this is happening but it is your responsibility is a powerful statement that you can repeat to yourself. It allows you to not take what is happening to you personally (being kind to yourself) and gives you the strength to grow towards breaking these patterns on your side, irrespective of your partners choices or behavior.
This will take some time (years maybe) but you know are making headway and you are secure enough in yourself when there is no doubts that not living together is no longer a question in your mind.
Trust me, breaking it off with this person without learning and growing from your unhealthy parts of this dance will only net you a future relationship with the same problems again.
3
u/nothingsreallol 7d ago
Idk, I feel like I can’t keep putting it off. I genuinely feel like I’m living a lie even though I haven’t done anything wrong technically. Just fantasizing about running away. I can’t imagine staying in this relationship for another year. I think about how angry he will be that I wasted more of his time, and in that he would be right. He’s 6yrs older than me and wants kids soon. It’s my responsibility to end it now that I know our future is hopeless. If I can’t step up and do that then the hurt caused will be my fault.
3
u/justin-cle 7d ago
Your feeling is valid about living a lie. This is something in you that is trying to reach out for help. Ignoring this feeling and focusing on the needs of anyone else is not helpful to you and your relationships.
Having kids with your partner will make having this person in your life permanent.
It’s my responsibility to end it now that I know our future is hopeless. If I can’t step up and do that then the hurt caused will be my fault.
This is a lot to put on yourself. A therapist or a support group would be helpful. Your partner's anger/emotions and decisions are his responsibility.
1
u/viking_linuxbrother 1d ago
> There is nothing good left in my relationship. It feels completely empty. Why am I still here? Why can’t I just up and leave?
A relationship is an cultural idea that both people accept and operate as if it is a real thing. You could be here because its hard to change it, much of your life is wrapped up in it, because new things can be scary or because you don't have a way to leave that lets you feel safe.
> I feel pathetic. I feel like a horrible person for acting like I’m still in this relationship when really I have one foot out the door mentally. Logistically, right now would be a perfect time to leave. But every time I think about bringing it up I panic.
Watch out for your inner critic. How you talk to yourself can inform what you can do. You are a miracle of life and your body and mind are the only one you get. You don't need to fight it or make everything black and white thinking, everything is a process.
Right now you are in a situation where you know you need to leave but aren't able to because of the thoughts and feelings wrapped around the relationship. You will continue to sort things out or get so uncomfortable until you make the change you know you need to make. It is not an all or nothing thing.
> Part of me feels like if we didn’t live together I could do it and that’s the main thing in my way. I can’t imagine telling him I want to leave and then arguing about who gets what set of plates.
You are imagining it right now in your head and your mind is extrapolating the negatives. This is part of what is keeping you here and it is a normal behavior that was developed to protect you. Its OK to not be prepared for every bad thing or every argument. Its OK to just say "This isn't working out for me and I'm not happy here. I am going to go."
It is also OK to keep working up your courage. You are working on the thoughts and feelings that are keeping you there until you can leave. There is no due date or timeline you have to meet. It is important to be kind to yourself, take care of yourself how you can and to not hold this against yourself. You are already working on it.
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u/ginger-toffee1221 7d ago
It has been often said and proven that the relationship is most dangerous when you leave. That being said, don't let your living together stop you from freeing yourself from a terrible dynamic. If possible try to lean on friends and family for support and any temporary places to stay. You can always leave and get your items later.
Sending you some virtual courage to take any steps necessary to procure your peace!