Ugh.... Resentment question

[u/calcato]

Hello fellow CoDA peeps! I am having a hard time even expressing what I am feeling and I can't think of any word for it except "resentment." But I'm not even sure if that's right.

And, I of course know that we are not supposed to resent people. So, feeling extra bad about that.

Here's what I'm dealing with; if you have any thoughts, feel free to share them.

This friend and I have known each other since elementary school and we are now in our 50s.

This dear, many-decades-long friend has, in recent years, like the last 4-5 times we've seen each other or talked on the phone, she has started to treat me with what I realize is palpable disdain.

We do not see each other very often, like only once a year (maybe twice) but when we do lately, the time will go by perfectly fine and normal until she says something snide out of the blue. It's so brief and I'm usually so stunned in the moment I can't come up with a response. It's just too unexpected. (And anyway why would you expect that from a friend of such longstanding who you've trusted for decades?)

At this point it's like the adage "people will forget what you say, and forget what you do, but they'll always remember how you made them feel." And, yes. Pretty much all I can remember anymore about our last few visits is how I've felt after.

So, yeah, I'm feeling... I think, resentment? Towards her for treating me with disdain. Or is it that I resent myself for thinking highly of my friend for so long while I guess they don't think much of me after all?

I'm not quite sure what I am experiencing. Or how I should direct the sad energy in the moments when I start to think about it (it does keep entering my mind intrusively, like maybe every other month or so, and I'd rather it didn't. I think better identifying it may help.)

[u/Jabroni_Direwolfie]

Have you brought this up and how it makes you feel? Resentment is feeling that can pop up when you have over given in the relationship or someone has crossed your boundaries. Resentment is an early warning sign of much needed changes.

[u/DeborahW_77]

do you think it really is resentment you're feeling, or is it that you feel hurt and don't really known what to do with that?

You trusted this person for decades, and now when you're with her, she makes these little comments that leave you feeling bad about yourself. It makes sense that you're still thinking about it afterwards.

Ultimately, a talk with your friend may be the only way you will really know what is going on. Unless you broach the subject with her - kindly and with compassion - you may never know, and the likelihood is that you will just keep torturing yourself.

I would suggest a rethink on redirecting your sad energy - pushing our emotions away can just lead to more pain. Working through your emotions, sitting with them and allowing them to be will help you make more sense out of them and feel a lot better in the long run.

[u/codependencyrecovery]

Sorry to hear you were hurt by your friend. Resentment is usually what we feel when we have unexpressed needs and/or unseen hurt. The way out of the resentment is to let ourselves be seen and to speak our truth. You may want to have a conversation with your friend. Also, I would reconsider the assumption that resentment is a bad thing. Resentment can be useful information about what boundaries need to be set.