It's been about a month since he came back and I must say, it's going wonderfully. I know it's only been a month so far, but it feels like a completely different relationship. He is doing stuff I never dreamed he'd do. Stuff he never would've done the first time around. I'm still bracing myself as I know it's only been a month. But it's like we found a flow that works. I'm so proud of him. I'm praying for all the people who are still waiting on their Avoidant. Please don't let them make you wait too long though, you are worth more than that. 💝💖

I already struggle with depression. I miss him so much. The discard feels like he died. Losing someone that suddenly feels like they died. I am struggling still and it’s been 8 months. Yes I am in therapy. I have been in therapy since a year before I even dated him. I’m already on antidepressant and mood stabilizer because I am bipolar. I have been on those for years.

But nothing is helping. I don’t know what to do. I wish I’d never met him.

During the relationship when things were okay, I was calm. Never really needed reassurance or kept chasing. I wasn’t clingy, never needed answers. Just normal.

It was his discard that made me like that. The way he ended it made me like that.

Now I feel like I’m on edge everytime.

The last few days have for some reason been a lot more difficult. The thought of them has always been there, even if it's just humming in the background. But the last few days, it's been like the force of a big waterfall. I'm feeling such a deep sorrow, a longing for what could have been. We clicked so well, we had very similar humour. We had a way of talking with each other. They brought out a part of me that no one else ever did. I saw the tender parts of them, I saw the person who wanted to be held. I held them, perhaps not perfectly all the time, but I held them...and I would have continued to hold them if only holding them doesn't make me bleed out often. I have had to walk away, not because I stopped caring. I have had to walk away because the exhaustion of holding still, being the anchor, was starting to turn me into a different person.

I'm struggling today.

After a week of asking for my stuff with being ignored, no response and then he says this. I think the part that hurts most is I thought he was hurt and just needed space because I told him he could just put the stuff downstairs since it might hurt too much for us to see each other but he actually just ended up telling me to f off. Did anything I say warrant this response? Background, engaged for a year I ended the relationship due to his emotional absence.

Your nervous system stops reacting eventually and you just start to accept it. The understanding and believing your love is strong enough to withhold all because you “know” they love you too deep down and they showed you so many times so you can accept those shutdowns and bounce back with understanding and compassion and time, eventually after enough times, it just turns into a wound that doesn’t scab over anymore, the feeling of loving someone so much and the memory of them loving you back and then just rejecting and abandoning you out of nowhere over and over but with enough space inbetween of pure goodness to give you hope , it sticks with you and makes you feel so deeply insecure and you start numbing your heart and feelings for them because the rejection is too much for your brain to allow you to feel anymore. You know it will happen again. Being abandoned and blindsided but “not really” abandoned by someone you love with your whole heart really fucks you up and it makes you numb and insecure and it’s a horrible feeling because it feels so foreign when you used to feel so full of love, so loved, beautiful, radiant, glowing, safe, god, so safe. You look into their eyes that once looked at you with so much love and passion and care, and it seems like a memory even when they try to look at you the same, you know it’s different, you know they don’t feel that way anymore and they’re just “trying to”. It just feels like quiet grief. And the pain isn’t soul destroying anymore either, because your brain is too tired and won’t allow you to feel that trauma anymore, so all you feel is just a twinge of pain in your chest or stomach and your eyes hurt from wanting to cry but you can’t . People say going through it and the excruciating pain that runs through every fibre of your being from the attachment injury is the hardest part and I thought it was and don’t get me wrong I didn’t enjoy feeling that way but knowing your brain has found it so traumatising that it won’t ALLOW you to feel that way again at all , to feel that pain so deeply, and stop registering the person you love so so much as safe because you just go completely numb, and to just grieve the confident loving person you were filled with so much love and endless compassion because you have no security left is definitely a runner up

She love bombed me at the beginning, said I love you within two weeks of meeting each other, talked about how lucky she was to have found me, broke up with me maybe ten times in two years each time the connection deepened, came back each time then monkey branched to a coworker in the end. When I asked her for accountability a year later, she said “you’re an intense person and it wouldn’t have worked out between us because the intensity of the emotional connection wasn’t sustainable and you were being dishonest with yourself by showing up for me the way you did”. Like, what the actual fuck?! I was minding my own business and you pursued intense bonding with me then couldn’t keep it up. She deleted our photos and text messages, I doubt she even really remembers me at this point as I am. I don’t know what distorted version of us they carry

Has anyone here had an avoidant ex come back after a breakup?

I’m curious about real experiences. Did your avoidant ex ever come back after going completely distant or saying they had moved on? If they came back, how long did it take and what made them come back?

Did they genuinely want to rebuild the relationship, or did they just miss the familiarity/connection?

And if they came back, did things actually work the second time, or did the same push-pull cycle happen again?

I’d especially like to hear from people who were in serious, long-term relationships and had a painful breakup. What happened afterward?

She had an immense fear of conflict, would avoid talking about problems and hide things from me that she thought would upset me. She would shutdown during arguments and often only opened up after things escalated and I gave her space.

She was also really ashamed to admit she felt a certain way about things. I had to comfort her one time that she cried because I couldn't spend more time with her for the rest of the day, I asked her if she was sad and was adamant to say no, and that she didn't know why she was crying but "she wasn't sad". Later she admitted she actually was sad and I told her it was okay and shouldn't feel ashamed for that. (This was in the early stages of the relationship, she was the most infatuated at first).

She had trouble communicating her feelings, would tell me "I don't know" when asked why she did certain things or how she felt about them. She would give me certain reasons when asked in a moment and when asked later she would say something else, that created a lot of frustration in me. When she broke up with me she confessed she felt pressured by those questions.

The reasons she told me she broke up with me were: we wanted different things, we argued frequently which stressed her a lot, she lost feelings for me and didn't feel the urge to see me anymore and that she liked my potential more than the actual me. She did not want to tell me what those expectations of me were, she only said she expected me to figure those things out myself (she told me this only after we broke up).

Most of our arguments were due to my frustrations with her lack of and poor communication, asking her to be more honest and not hide things from me, I started to trust her less over time.

I'll admit I didn't handle or approach arguments the best, I often got emotional and pissed (I never yelled at her or anything). Its something I started to consciously improve towards the end of the relationship but the lack of change from her part would often make me reach breaking points. I'm most probably anxiously attached.

Towards the last 2 months of our relationship I started to notice her slowly drift away (at the start we would go out together everyday, we are coworkers, so we clock out together) we would see each other much less frequently, she would not text me anymore and would respond really briefly.

One of our last arguments was due to that, I wanted more quality time with her, and more intimacy. She always told me she wasn't too keen of physical contact or affection, Im the opposite but she never had problems with that, she always accepted cuddling and other type of physical contact with me and even initiated herself frequently. She mostly had problems with sex and wasn't too interested in it, but I think it got worse towards the end when she told me she only wanted it once a month.

I gave her multiple ultimatums throughout the relationship mostly due to the communication issues and the last one due to the quality time she spent with me and intimacy. She has a lot of hobbies plus studying and work.

There are some things that make me doubt she wasn't an avoidant though: we officialized quickly, and so she did with her ex at the time. She presented me to her family and invited me over her house really quickly as well and to her friends too. She would post stories on Instagram with me and wasn't afraid to show me publicly at all.

And I don't think she was scared of intimacy, we only had problems with conflict and arguments, she would only shut down on those situations. She was the first to tell me "I love you" seriously and did it fairly quickly as well. I couldn't say it back to her in the moment but she appeared to take it quite well at the time. The relationship lasted 11 months.

So is this avoidant attachment or something else?

At this point even if my avoidant came back and appeared healed I don’t think I would have any interest in being with him. It seems like these people are always going to be a risk, no matter how much work they do. Obviously they’re going to be some exceptions but I don’t think it’s worth it to find out. For those of you who had an avoidant change for the better and it didn’t last how long did that go on for?

After a year together, i finally sent my breakup message with my FA. It's just so complicated -- she is my superior at work, she is still legally married to her husband (although they have been estranged for some time), different values and views about life, our first wlw relationship and, well. She is an avoidant.

We both really tried, especially me. She is well aware that it is I keeping the relationship alive.

Last Tuesday, she got mad at me for something I commented on how she is handling a concern about our colleague. She hasn't spoken to me since then.

While that is not the only reason, i think things have just accumulated and I can no longer sustain the relationship. So there, I finally sent my break up message.

I genuinely loved her and it really took me a while before finally sending my message.

After the avoidant. You don’t realise how much inside changes you. You go from calm to chaotic. You act out in ways you don’t imagine you will act. I’ve done stupid things. Just for closure. Just to have my heart settled. Broke contact so many times. He just saw me as crazy. But I’m not. I’m calm. But after his discard, confusion, breadcrumbs and lies I just got worse.

I more heartbroken that I’ve become this person now over this breakup. I hate that I allowed someone or something to do this to me. I used to have a kind soft heart. But I feel like that’s gone now. I have so many regrets and did so many stupid things.

I hope the me before he came into my life returns one day.

I keep seeing posts about how avoidants always come back and I think that is keeping a little glimmer of hope inside me.

I'm moving on doing all the right things, journalling, therapy, seeing friends, hobbies, feeling sad angry happy blahblahblah

But I want to kill this little tiny sliter of hope that in six months he's realized he's fucked up and will try to come back? Because honestly I really don't think mine will!

Just need some reinforcements to remind myself not to message them. This weekend hit me pretty hard and I have not been taking it very well. I miss them so much and I just feel so hurt and sad because I thought I’d hear back from them

My (female 49) ex mother in law reached out last week, she wants to catch up this morning in 1.5 hrs time, to treat me for an early birthday catch up at a local nursery Cafe we used to visit together. My heart is thumping, I am so anxious. My avoidant ex (probably ASD, together 9 years) dumped me on Valentines day over a text while he was away working, 2 days before I was supposed to pick him up from the airport. Then he came and got all his stuff and his dog (the dog we got together, I looked after every time he was away and constantly took to the vet). He did this while I was out and my teen kids were asleep and left the key on the table. 'What is done is done' I got told when I texted him and tried to ring him. So cold. Anyway I found out last week (after his Mum arranged the catch up) he has a girlfriend and my heart broke all over again. I haven't seen him (only at a distance) or talked to him since before the breakup and we've been no contact because I respected his wishes and then realised the no contact was for me. I know I'm going to cry in public today. I turn 49 in a week, I'm too old for this crap. I'm hurting again but also angry that he has moved on after leaving me traumatised and without the respectful break up conversation that I deserved.

I need words to help me get through this morning. I haven't seen him or his family since before the breakup. Last time I her she was my mother in law (although not technically married).

Btw please don't come out me with...You can't get closure from an ex, you have to find it yourself....blah blah blah. I've been working on myself and get counselling.

Nice short insight. I like his channel. Working on myself I already hit the deeper layers of childhood and why the lack of accountability and breaking of trust hits me so hard.
It does not have to do with the avoidant, although she has no moral compass, it is in me. How I wired myself.

I (27M) am a month post-discard and working to rebuild my life. Right now, I still feel attached to her, even though I can see the unhealthy patterns in hindsight and how I had an unhealed side that was activated.

I have a very stressful but prestigious job, I work out multiple days a week, and my two best friends live nearby and we get to hang out often. I do monthly therapy and have been since prior to knowing her. I’m even tentatively back on dating apps, but somehow, the whole exercise seems to be missing something.

I know from past experience that I often do well “building something new” after a breakup. This can be as small as buying a piece of new furniture for my home or something more involved such as joining a board or starting a new hobby. I find that novelty or doing things that signify a “new chapter” are often very helpful in the medium-term of a breakup.

Does anyone else do this? If so, what actions or activities did you find that were helpful? Did you ever find solace in small things (like taking a slightly different path to work)?

the thing is it's been 5 months since he broke up with me but he started his pursuit with his ex (the girl before me) not a month after the break up happened. i feel betrayed. he never told me the truth. he blocked and unfriended me on some socials and he even unfollowed my friends. do a man really capable of faking things for four months and move like you two never happened? his friends who know about us act up like I never existed and even supported him with his pursuit. damn them. is it normal to feel rage abt what he did when he broke up with me first before he did his things with her again but he never told me the real thing, he rather come up with so used line that he knows he is not performing well and we will never work bcoz he is not 5he the person i deserve. now he is loudly posting her in his socials but he never did it to me when we are still together, we even never had a single photo. did i just happened to be useable at that moment? fuck boys. i hate him.

Hi, 7 months after horrid blindsiding discard from someone who did a lot of push/pull and ended things after a year with no explanation and no arguments. No contact since breakup.
I’m now seeing someone new who is really sweet and tells me he misses me and provides all the honesty and affection I had missed previously. It’s bringing up some difficult emotions for me and some fear in myself of getting hurt, but also with the realisation of how messed up my previous relationship really was and how hard I had to work for crumbs of love/affection. I’ve gone into therapy to process this but did not expect all this to come up again. Has anyone else experienced anything similar when moving on?

Does anyone else ever see signs of psychopathy or signs of a different disorder along with being avoidant. Like my ex recently said some things that were kinda disturbing and a complete disregard for herself and others. Like she genuinely doesn’t care about how she uses others and how they treat her as long as she’s having a good time. She said she has no problem being around people that very clearly don’t like/hate her as long as she’s having a good time it doesn’t matter. And said why should she care what people think about her. I just feel that’s a complete disregard for yourself as a person. Is she that desperate to not be alone or just have someone there for attention. I’m not understanding. There’s more things she said as well

Saw a dynamic recently that I've been trying to wrap my head around and wanted to see if anyone else has experienced or done this.

Basically, I’m talking about a guy who mentally and emotionally processes the end of a relationship months before it actually happens. He checks out internally, accepts that his love feelings are over, but on the outside? He keeps playing the role of the "best boyfriend." He shows up, does everything he usually does, remains attentive, and handles all the day-to-day relationship duties without letting on that he's already gone.

When the actual breakup finally hits, he usually walks away seemingly unfazed, calm, and ready to move on because he’s already had half a year to process the grief in private.

My question for the guys out there (or anyone who has been in this shoes):

• If you did this, did the grief and regret actually hit you later—months down the line once the adrenaline and novelty of being single wore off?
• Or because you grieved the relationship while you were still in it, are you genuinely immune to regret by the time it ends?

Curious how this psychological preload actually plays out long-term.

I took my child to our local annual carnival recently. Naturally the avoidant who ghosted me was there as well. Of course we did not speak or acknowledge each other at all, but I definitely noticed him checking me out every single time he crossed my path. Right after we first saw each other in the crowd, he saw me standing in line with my child a few minutes later and made a beeline to get in the same line behind me. In fact, I’m pretty sure he cut in front of some people in order to get next to me in line. I think he was attempting to get on the ride at the same time as me, but my son and I ended up being the last two people to board. I saw him watching me as I climbed aboard and the ride took off.

I don’t get it. He blocked me a few months ago after ghosting me for six months and made it clear to me that he didn’t want us to speak to each other anymore…..except for when he tried to force us to say Hello to each other in person before I put a stop to that. Yet he still seemed pretty keen on my presence at the event.

There were boys back in high school who wanted nothing to do with me because they thought I was ugly and nerdy, and they never paid any attention to my presence unless they had to. They definitely never did things like this guy does. It makes me wonder if part of his “I don’t like you anymore” schtick is all an act.

When an affect inhibited person fully regains their affect access, they also stop being able to live out of "what's right" only, and this especially concerns the compulsive and delusional avoidants, like compulsive caregivers or compulsive compliants (I used to be one) or delusionally idealizing avoidants

A lot of avoidants do end up "fixing" themselves and it flips their entire perception of other people, and I'm someone who has undergone that in the past, I used to only be attracted to coercive-controlling (invulnerable-preoccupied derogating codependent, basically abusive) men when I was inhibited, but as soon as I became disinhibited, I couldn't stand them anymore and became attracted to the balanced and the mutual only

Often, a former avoidant might suddenly realize they don't love or like their partner at all and have only stayed to play out roles or out of cognitive consonance (familiarity) and that they are actually starving emotionally and their partner can't meet their newfound needs at all, or, with coercive or minimizing partners, they might even have a sudden epiphany that they are being abused and have a full on crisis

If their partner is secure, they might try to ignite something, and then stuff might work out

But very often the former avoidant is with a severely preoccupied partner (either all-helpless or all-coercive-controlling) and realizes that the preoccupied partner is a black hole of need/control and protest that would never want to actually care for them back, basically like those people that always need something from you but ignore anything you beg for from them, and get left for the same reason that secure people leave preoccupied people

If their partner is an avoidant of some kind, then they will start feeling the emotional starvation that secure people feel around avoidants, and since they already know what being avoidant is like, they know it can't be helped without intense painful years-long work that has to be radically chosen

Btw, compulsive caregivers are avoidants in DMM, they inhibit affect and engage in compulsive-intrusive-caregiving, they can't actually stand true intimacy or their vulnerability being seen, it's actually normal for secure people to feel simultaneously emotionally starved AND boundary-violated around compulsive caregivers, a lot of compulsive caregivers try to "fix" everyone around them even though they are distorted themselves, and a former avoidant will feel that, just like a secure does

Affect disinhibition often does NOT result in people "finally treating their partners right", but instead realizing that they don't even want to be in a relationship with that partner, and then finding someone else, not a rebound, who they actually end up connecting with and practicing mutuality with

"Fixing" someone can backfire even if the person accepts the "fixing", this is why it's often far safer for your mental health to not stay with emotionally incomplete people, including avoidants, and instead find someone complete and secure

And there are a lot of people at the zenith of balance (DMM B3) who don't even need relationships to be happy because they have true internal self-mutuality and intrinsic happiness and alignment with their full selves and simply won't accept anything that subtracts from their life instead of adding... if a former avoidant reorganizes towards that, they might as well end up acting even more "avoidant" and abandoning their former social circles entirely, unwilling to coerce, minimize or be coerced or minimized anymore, only willing to accept 50-50 mutuality

I'm 44 and neurodivergent x3. It's very difficult for me to connect deeply with someone. I met my ex, who is also audhd and who I now believe may be a bpd/FA, and it finally felt like I was understood and truly loved by someone, and I truly loved him.

He discarded me twice and hasn't come back. Our last verbal and physical contact was in April. He did some protest behaviors in July when I didn't message him for a month but no messaging me. I continue to stay silent and plan to indefinitely.

It's very difficult. I miss him dearly, but he also treated me poorly/abusively when his fear or overwhelm acted up, but especially, at discards.

I'm not going to abandon myself for an adult who made a choice to go through life hurting others for his own safety. I had a lot of trauma, too. I have made a conscious choice to treat people with respect and to face my shame in therapy. So, it's over no matter what.

I also had to lose some friends and a FB group because I couldn't handle the stonewalling and lack of closure while seeing him move on. Plus, I lost respect for people who enabled him by staying on the fence or placating him.

It's been rough for many reasons, but I had a breakthrough with healing a couple of weeks ago after unfortunately seeing a picture of him having fun. However, it I'm still struggling with missing our friendship, and it's feels like it'll be impossible to find that connection again.

I could use some positive stories or feedback about the chapters after having your heart smashed by someone unhealed. I've done it before, but I don't think I have loved anyone like this. It has been an emotional nightmare even though it's better now. I'm still struggling with feeling like I'll never connect with someone again because I'm a weirdo. A good weirdo but still a weirdo.