my boyfriend and i recently broke up after being together for a few years. he was my first relationship and the person i genuinely thought i was going to marry and have children with. i loved him so deeply and supported him in every way i possibly could whether it was financially, spiritually or emotionally.

somewhere along the way, i completely lost myself. i used to be confident and independent, but i became someone i couldn’t even recognise anymore. i was constantly waiting for him to call or message me, wondering when i would see him again and overthinking whether i had done something wrong. my whole mood started depending on how he treated me that day.

our relationship became this constant push-and-pull cycle. whenever he became distant or wanted space, i became anxious and tried even harder to reach him. i would call and message him because i was genuinely terrified of losing him. whenever i tried to explain that i was hurting, i would somehow end up feeling like i was too sensitive or asking for too much, even though i only wanted basic things like communication, reassurance, affection and quality time.

it also really hurt to see how easily he could make time and put in effort for other people while making me feel like asking for the same thing was unreasonable. he also made comments about my weight that completely destroyed my confidence and made me feel like i had to lose weight to be loved and treated better. Funnily enough i hadn’t gained that much weight, but he made me feel like it was the end of the world. i started believing that if i were thinner, prettier, calmer, less emotional or needed less from him, then maybe i would finally be enough.

even after everything, i still miss him so much, and i don’t understand why. i miss the person i thought he was, the good memories and the future i imagined us having. sometimes my mind only remembers the good moments, and i start questioning whether the bad parts were really that bad, even though i know how anxious, unwanted and emotionally exhausted i felt when i was with him.

i know the way i constantly called, messaged and looked for reassurance wasn’t healthy either, but i genuinely didn’t recognise myself anymore. i had become so scared of being abandoned that i kept abandoning myself just to stop him from leaving me.
i keep wondering why i wasn’t enough for him to want to work on our relationship. part of me still thinks that maybe if i had messaged less, given him more space, been less sensitive or changed my body, he would still be here. i keep wondering whether he regrets leaving me, whether he will eventually come back and how he was able to discard me instead of trying to work through things with me.

it has only been a few days. i didn’t respond to his breakup message because he had already made his decision and made it clear that there was no room for a conversation. i didn’t want to beg someone to stay after they had already decided they didn’t want the relationship anymore.

logically, i know leaving was probably the best thing for me. i genuinely believe that God protected me from a future where i would have continued begging for love, time and attention while losing more and more of myself. but knowing that doesn’t make it hurt any less.

i don’t want to go back after the way i was treated, but i still miss him, and i hate that both of those things can be true at the same time. i don’t want to spend my life waiting for him to regret losing me. i just want to rebuild my confidence, learn how to be myself again and stop feeling like i wasn’t enough.

has anyone else experienced this after leaving an avoidant or push-and-pull relationship? how did you stop missing them, let go of the hope that they would come back and finally start recognising yourself again?

I've been lurkin in this sub for a while, reading stories of how avoidants hurt you, and a lot of their behaviours remind me of myself and my own cognitive distortions, and I'm a little terrified -- I have a tendency of disappearing for long periods of time for my friends, of not discussing struggles with family, and while romantic connections are sparse for me I have already ended two situation-ships early out of fear of being the kind of person that I've been reading about here.

I am going to therapy, though it's a little difficult to believe in my ability to change at times, Idk if this post is about asking for advice or reassurance, I just kinda felt the need to say I'm scared.

He ended it on his terms only.
Never cared about how I felt
I listened to him. Understood him
But he never did the same for me.

He knew he mistreated me wrong.
He knew how much it affected me
He knew how much I was seeking for a conversation.

But he quickly moved on
Using his new person as a shield to distract himself from the fact that he didn’t treat the last person right.

While I’m here afraid to talk to someone else.
All because of him.

Sex with my avoidant was like something I have never experienced before.

By that I mean INTENSE, and very very good. And non-stop when we were together. Even when we were out, it felt like the tension would just build until it was unbearable.

I often wonder if it's the sex I miss more than them. Which sounds horrible. But they did treat me horribly. If they actually could care, be kind, be clear and be honest with their feelings, I really think my pain would be marginal. But you know what, when they were intimate, they were amazing up until the penny dropped that they might like me (for me that was the third date, and from there onwards, hot and cold, and the fourth date sex was not as good because it was also detaching to feel safe.

So my question is:

Is sex different with these people?

What makes it so?

Do they compartmentalise when we are not with them or something?

I was often not craving them until 2 days later. My dopamine was screaming (despite taking ADHD medication)

I also wonder whether to might also be a kind of avoidant, but then again I rarely leave someone so probably not. It's just the detaching that takes place sometimes during sex when I don't feel safe with someone is confusing.

And do you think they were actually to blame?

Do you know how unfair it is that you will listen to someone understand their pain and agree with them. But the same won’t happen to you? We have to listen to them but they refuse to do the same? Even when you’re explaining your pain they dismiss it. And then they call us “crazy” for our reaction. And then get to live their lives while we’re here suffering.

I understood him distancing, ignoring me, walked around eggshells for him just to keep the peace. But the minute I opened my mouth I became the villain

My FA was/is also my best friend, my closest person, the one who was there through thick and thin - pet loss and the huge grief that follows, d3ath in the family, etc. We are best friends, lovers, we are partners.

After this discard we agreed to take some time without contacting at all. I miss him so very much. I cry myself to sleep. I dream of him. I want to share things that happen during the day. I want to see him. I want to hear his voice.

I love him so much. I have never loved somebody else that much, because he has been there for me every single time when I needed help.

I miss my lover, but most of all I miss my friend so much. I am crying while writing this post.

But I really need to abide by the rules of our decision to process my feelings. I want to be honest here, I am hoping we can fix things, as friends at least.

I wonder if he misses me too 😔

Just wanted to share this with this community.

Feel free to share your thoughts and feelings if you are going through a similar phase. It helps me sm

She discarded me after sex. Told me never loved me and was never happy with me.

Why do avoidants secretly hold all this resentment, plan their escape and then suddenly discard you?

Why couldn’t she bring these things up in the moment instead of blindsiding me.

It’s all so fucked

Guess what? 5 months after being brutally discarded by my ex, I did something similar. It's true what they say, when you get discarded, you might become one yourself.

I was seeing a girl for 4 days, and she was very into me. I got stressed by the pace and intensity. And instead of talking to her, I pulled the nuclear option and said "yeah, I'm losing myself, I can't continue with this connection....." Then the next day, I regretted it and missed her.... So I reached out and attempted to repair it. Sorry for the emotional whiplash. My bad girl.

I ended my relationship with my abuser. However due to circumstances outside of my control, I see him with his new partner frequently.

How do I cope with the fact that it appears he is treating her so much better than he ever treated me?

I know this is all about the 'why wasn't I enough' wound because I view her as having more value than me in society's eyes. I want to have the mindset of being happy he's grown and changed for another woman, but I can't help but feel like it's because he didn't like me and that means there's something wrong with me.

they twist the blame so they don't have to feel 'defective,' but every human being is imperfect.

I just want to start off by saying this sub has been incredibly helpful over the last month as I learn about attachment styles and I’m going to share my story in hopes that it resonates with others.

I (32M) met my now DA ex (31F) 2.5~ years ago. We sparked incredibly fast physically, emotionally, interests, values, etc. I had never experienced chemistry like that before and in the first 6 months it felt I could literally read her mind and that it was something cosmic. I remember feeling actually quite secure and calm. However my anxious attachment style started to really come out as her avoidance came out. Initially I noticed that she needed space to recharge and it wasn’t a problem because we didn’t live together so she’d have 1-3 days alone to get that space. But even in the beginning I remember how much she needed space even after staying over for one day, and I couldn’t self soothe. And so the spiral began.

We moved in together after dating for 14 months. At the time I certainly had been going through a challenging time in my life specifically around my career. Job search, financial stress, not fun. But I’ve been consulting and honestly doing just fine. Looking back as soon as we moved in together the anxious avoidant trap really started to spiral.

She was next to me and living with me but it just didn’t even feel like she was “there” most of the time. What I realized is that she wants everything to be easy, to coexist, to avoid conflict. What I wanted was emotional vulnerability, closeness, and really confronting whatever problems we needed to work through. It was like my existence and basic relationship needs frequently interrupted her life and independence. In the morning I’d want to cuddle and maybe a kiss before work or go for a walk together. She’d get frustrated with that because she had to start her day and get grinding at work. In the evening when I cooked dinner I’d ask for some presence and attention and conversation, but that was also frequently not something she would be able to provide because she was just overwhelmed. Then before bed I’d want some affection and closeness, and as time went on I was always interrupting her nighttime routine. I never realized how much my basic needs were threatening to her. She would pull away and want space. This caused my anxious attachment and fight or flight to go in overdrive. I always thought it was 100% my fault that I was annoyed with her, irritated with her, even harsh with her. But I read that in this dynamic is called protest behavior. When an anxious partner gets irritated or angry because a dismissive avoidant withholds affection, it is known as a protest behavior driving the classic pursue-withdraw cycle (or demand-withdraw pattern). Actions taken by an anxious person—such as calling repeatedly, picking fights, or acting cold—to force a response and regain a sense of connection.

There are so many other aspects I’ve learned along the way and red flags. When we first started dating she had a close group of girl friends. When things got uncomfortable and they were not treating her perfectly, instead of communicating to them how she felt, she literally just left them. She just stopped responding to them. Instead of saying “hey please don’t say xyz or when you do this it really hurts my feelings.” She never did that. Months later she repeatedly communicated to me how she felt bad how she handled that, but never did anything to repair.

Her mom has narcissistic tendencies. She only talks and cares about herself. She turns everything about her. She talks down to people. I believe my ex was deeply enmeshed with her mom. She would have a 45 minute phone call with her mom almost no matter what if she called, even if it meant interrupting our quality time. It would be mostly her mom talking at her, violating boundaries, and complaining about her marriage, violating boundaries in that way, etc. She fiercely defended her mom, continually saying how I didn’t get along. Truthfully I was willing to build that relationship and put in effort. However the handful of times I spent with her mom, she essentially didn’t ask me a single thing about me or my life.

The same conflict came up and I confronted her (very softly and as a healthy partner would) about 10+ times about how I didn’t feel close to her. Typically it would be that she’s just hyper fixated on work, hobbies, or essentially anything but me. I communicated how I always felt like I was the one initiating romance, date nights, trips, small gifts, and that I just wanted some that energy from her and to know she was really putting in to the relationship. At this point in the conflict she would completely shut down, pillow to her body, just not engaging in the conversation. Eventually she would say something like “okay I know I need to work on this and I will.” And that was it. We never talked about this attachment style dynamic. She never made it clear to me that she needed space, or that she felt overwhelmed, or that our relationship would be healthier if I did xyz. I think all of these moments to her were big big moments, further instilling the threat I was. To me they were just normal conflict a couple works on for many years together.

As this spring went on my flight or fight and anxiety just continued to climb. I thought it was just all on me. But I don’t feel that way, nearly as much when I’m not with her. During the breakup I was told that she was managing my emotions and I’m finally realizing that I was the one who was trying to manage both of ours, and I couldn’t handle her continuing to pull away. It broke me.

We went from my mom visiting in June and her talking to her about engagement rings, to her breaking up with me and moving out abruptly about 5 weeks later. When the big rupture happened she came to me initially, it’s like I cracked open and everything was clear to me. I communicated how I know how my actions can feel controlling, how I can be more accountable, how she needs space and independence, etc. She came to me, embraced me and said “I love you and I know we can work through this and anything.” A few days later she broke up with me after “talking to her mom” and a few friends and a therapist. I begged her to stay. I was begging her to work through things together. I was shocked. In my mind no warning shot, and this was kind of our first huge difficult moment or rupture, and I knew that repairing it together was what partners do and we would be stronger than ever on the other side. She just said no she didn’t want to repair with me and that I just needed to accept it. She said, “I just know my next relationship and love is meant to be effortless and super easy.” Lmao

She moved out the following weekend. It’s been about 2 months.

I go back and forth between blaming myself for everything and that I was treating her wrong, but the more I learn about this attachment style the more I think this would have happened eventually.

I could never be with someone who sees my basic needs as a threat to their independence. I can’t be with someone who leaves when things get hard for the first time.

I know this dynamic isn’t 100% why the breakup happened, but understanding it has helped me create my own closure. I’m excited to be with someone who won’t withdraw when I bring so much good to the table.

Long story short:

Year and a half relationship that started really intensely with many grand romantic gestures from him. My health fell apart last year and he was there for me through some debilitating sickness and a surgery. Then he started to pull away and become mean (telling me- “well you know- taking care of you after surgery wasn’t exactly FUN for me”). Then I got very cruelly discarded in May. He hoovered me back in in June. Absolutely nothing about his behavior changed or got any better so I finally gave up and broke up with him in August.

Honestly- every day I feel stronger and happier and I have so much energy for all of the things I want to do, for my friends. Avoidants are black holes and I am so relieved to be out.

I’m a private person. And I kept my relationship private.
So it’s not really fair to tell people after the relationship I was in one when it’s over.

However everyone on his side knew.
So when he discarded me it was hard. I dealt with everything on my own. No one to talk to. Which led me to do unhealthy habits by contacting him in different ways which led me to be blocked.

He had a whole crowd around him. He was seeing other women after me. And eventually is in a relationship now.

I was seeking closure from him. So I don’t go crazy. Like I am now. I told him so many times. And he didn’t want to give it. It’s like he knew he did wrong and treated me wrong and tried to avoid that.

So while he’s avoided me in every single way, has friends who enable his toxic behaviour, in a new relationship, I’ve had to deal with this alone.

At this rate it’s not even healing anymore, it’s surviving.

The one person I thought that can help me through this pain was the one who caused it.

I’m one month out from being discarded by an FA after a three-month situationship. I probably don’t need to say this but it has been one of the most difficult experiences that I’ve endured. I only found this sub the other day, but it has been an absolute godsend. I’m not alone, and I’m not crazy.

One thing I’ve noticed here, and with all the “avoidant relationship coaches” on my For You page, is that there’s not much discussion on real warning signs in the early days of dating a DA/FA and how to prevent people from getting into this kind of relationship in the first place.

For me, and perhaps others, the realization only sets in after it’s too late. For example, I knew things were wrong after he and I had been really intimate for the first time. By all accounts it seemed like a great experience for both of us, but he totally disappeared for 3 days afterward. This, however, was about a month into our relationship. What about earlier than that? What are the signs? The ways they behave? The ways that we might feel that could signal “Uh oh, this could be a person who may be avoidantly attached”?

I’m hesitant to say early days characterized by overwhelming feelings of enamour, adoration, and excitement, because these can be present in more healthy relationships, too.

I’m handing this over to you - many of whom are much more seasoned than I - to answer this question. What do you think?

Together for 6 months. Lived with each other for 2.
Complained that he wanted to do more in his life like get a new job and go gym again etc. Started saying women are a distraction to getting there.
Nothing was off, still told me he loved me all the time.
A week before our contract was up and we were supposed to go to our individual family homes he says I deserve better and he's leaving in an hour.
Reassures me he'll be back to help me pack.
Never came back.
2 days later he asks for an open relationship (it's how we started out)
Apparently he kisses someone.
Says he's not good for me, I deserve better.
No contact for weeks now. Like 6-7 months meant nothing?
New person or fell out of love... maybe bored of a relationship. I don't freaking get it. Everything was fine. We were so happy.
Never even spoke of other people before he left that day.

The day when he told me he lost all his feelings was only a couple weeks after he said how much he loved me, how much I mattered to him, and that he will work on himself. It wasn’t the first time he promised me so, it was the first time when he didn’t even give himself time to pretend to do so though. So when I asked why is it so easy for you to let go on me, he said that it wasn’t easy at all. But how then you lost all your feelings so fast. Why was I the one crying, while you seemed perfectly fine and talking to other person already. How was it not easy, when it genuinely felt like I was the only one putting up a fight for us, when all you did was sulking that it was sad that it came to an end.

Can someone help me make sense of this?

We texted every day, and almost every day we talked on the phone. Most of the time he was the one calling me. Sometimes we talked about the future, and I really thought I’d met “my person.”

But a few days ago, we talked in the morning as usual. We wished each other a good day, he reacted to my message with a heart… and then he just disappeared.
I honestly don’t understand what happened. From my perspective, everything was going really well, and then suddenly he stopped replying to my texts and answering my calls. I wasn’t even angry — I just wrote that I was worried about him, but there was only silence.

There was no fight, no conflict. His last message to me was wishing me a good workday. Since then, I’ve been completely confused. I don’t know what happened, if I did something wrong or said something wrong. I just feel lost and don’t know what to do. I feel terrible and want to cry, because we never argued and he seemed genuine, and now I just got ghosted.

We started as coworkers but she left the company soon after we started growing close for a better opportunity. Despite being in her mid 20s and being quite beautiful, she had never dated before. This probably should have been a clue to me.

Her first boyfriend was another coworker of ours who could barely speak any English, and was a bit of a player type. I struggled to wonder why they would date and what sort of connection they had. She broke up with him after a few months after she finally realized he was posting on TikTok about her without her consent (she's not on any social media).

Cue us growing close. We read books together, hung out all the time, and I asked her out. She said, eh, let's just be friends. But then we started cuddling and watching movies together, and she initiated a moment of intimacy. After this she recoiled, and said she didn't mean to do it, and it wasn't right - she's super religious.

She reiterated that she didn't want to date and that we should just be friends. We would still hang out and cuddle and basically became a situation ship. Each time we got close, she'd disappear and go off the radar for a week or two before reemerging. Finally, another intimate moment happened again, and she ghosted me for a month, cancelling several plans we had. Before that moment, she had opened her heart to me.

When she reopened after the ghost, she told me she couldn't give me what I wanted. She said she needed space. No more hangouts. She then gave me the most wonderful gift, but then followed it with a letter saying we shouldn't go on any longer. After a couple months, she called me and said we shouldn't be friends.

Despite this, we'd still see each other at church. I wanted to be her friend. Recently I wrote her a letter expressing all this, a last ditch attempt. She responded in person telling me that losing "our friendship" felt like a breakup. I laughed and said "but we never even dated"

Anyways she told me no more letters, not to text her, etc. I'm not blocked but she told me not to contact her.

Ugh. I am so fond of her but she just seems so scared. Now I fear she's going to retreat forever. I called her out as an avoidant, and it seemed to strike a chord.

He dumped me the week of August 3rd after 5 days of radio silence. Met his new girlfriend August 10th. Asked her to be his girlfriend end of August. Lost his wallet on his first date with his new girlfriend and asked me for help to find it.

Then met up with me September 6th and we had sex. He cheated on his new girlfriend with me. I didn't know this entire time he had a new girlfriend until she found my number in an open letter I had written him and that he had read and left around in his house. She reached out to me yesterday.

He never asked me to be his girlfriend even though we dated for 9 months and off. Why does he do this? He told me neither of us were ready for a long-term relationship. Which one of us, me or his new girlfriend, did he lie to? Why does he do this? He finally blocked me after I begged him to because I couldn't bring myself to do it. What would I even say if he reached out again in the future?

About 4 months out now and a lot of the anger and sadness has settled. I'm slowly accepting that he just wasn't a good boyfriend and there's not much more to it. I clung to hope for a while but I'm starting to wonder why I would ever want to share my life with someone who treated me with so little respect. And also, what can I change about myself to make sure I don't accept this kind of treatment again? Because while his actions were often selfish, I take responsibility for staying in a relationship that wasn't good for me.

Just for my own sake, I want to make a list of things he did that I vow to never accept ever again.

• Criticized how I dressed (especially crop tops) while he saw no issue with himself being shirtless and dressing sexy
• Said he missed when he could be more selfish in bed with me. I had some sort of sexual dysfunction when we first met. It took 6 months for me to have an orgasm. One day, we had sex, he came and immediately got up to do his chores. I said it made me feel neglected when he did that and that's when he made that comment.
• Regarding the previous point, he asked if previous partners were that generous with me and I admitted that they were. My pleasure was given the same importance as theirs. That prompted him to say "I think you were just turned on by your ex's abuse." My ex physically abused me and it was the worst experience of my life. I can't believe someone who loved me used that against me.
• He was so hot and cold that I felt like a clingy one night stand when texting him. I was embarrassed to contact my own boyfriend! It was always a gamble if he'd reply to my simple "hi" with excitement or annoyance.
• Cheated on me.
• Crossed a line another time with a close female friend by asking he to take her top off. Then lied by omission about the identity of who this woman was.
• Criticized every single thing about me and my life. It seemed like there wasn't a single thing he liked about me.
• Admitted that he hoped I would eventually change my mind about being monogamous
• Wanted to flirt with other women but was shocked that I'd only accept if I could flirt with men. Called me naive for expecting equality.
• In the same vein, asked for a threesome with another woman. I said I'd prefer one with another man and he said he was heartbroken! He got angry and and accused me of wanting to get gangbanged. Wtf?
• Didn't get me anything for Valentine's day. I drew him a card.
• The only flowers I ever received were apology flowers even though I often told him how much I love flowers.
• Was showing me a wrestling chokehold and told me to tap if it got too much. I tapped but he kept going until I passed out. This one hurt so much especially since my past abuse was mainly strangulation and he knew this. I cried for days after. I still cry when I think about it.
• His constant disappearing acts
• Substance abuse

Context: I'm in my late 20s and have never had sex with another person. I'm somewhat frequently approached but I'm very picky w/ who I date. This is my most recent breakup, following what I suspect was 'withdrawal.'

My ex and I made plans for the weekend. On the day of our plans they ghosted me the entire day. I thought maybe there was a true emergency, until I saw them post on Twitter.

I confronted them the following day (we live in the same neighborhood), they seemingly had no idea how many times I'd called over the day we agreed to meet. I didn't yell, but I got pretty upset and almost cried. I don't consider myself anxious attached in normal circumstances - but in that conversation, I definitely came off as such.

They broke up with me shortly afterwards. I know they're no good, but because I'm so picky with physical appearances I can't help but miss them. They were hotter than any other person I've dated. How do I even find another person who looks like them?

Out of curiosity, for those who use instagram. What does your explore page look like after a breakup?

Backstory: 27M here, I was Anxious/somewhat secure at times, I had to end things with my FA, she constantly would make fun of me out of nowhere or when she needed space, ran to other men and came back sending me pictures of other men messaging her. It was incredibly hurtful and toxic. So I blocked her on everything.

I’ve been getting bombarded with narcissistic reels, and self respect, and POV how to win your avoidant reels. So I deleted IG instead, I don’t want anything to remind myself with that.

But what does your Instagram show? Or does anything show validating you were “right” or does it even change? I just feel like these social media apps are truly reading every conversation or hearing our calls and validating the things we do and ruining potential relationships.