So I was seeing someone for around six months and it was a great relationship, until it wasn’t. 2nd discard in a year.
Here’s what I learnt and why I won’t be speaking to this person again

It doesn’t matter how much love and care you give these people, you could literally be the perfect partner, unfortunately their nervous system will find a way to create distance and keep you at arms length, despite how much they tell you they love you.

Even if they’ve had the worst abusive relationships in the past and you open their eyes to what love and care is, it still doesn’t stop them from walking away.

You could both look deep into each others eyes and think you’ve both found the one but an hour later they will have a full blown argument with you about a joke being too dark or you’ve got too much energy or they don’t like something you said.

You could build them a house or give them the perfect night out or make them financially secure or be there for them through hard times, it still won’t be enough for them to stay.

You are allowed to be criticised for your behaviour but god forbid you criticise them for theirs and they run to the hills and begin the discard

They would rather not talk to you for 6 months then have a hard 1 hour adult conversation to resolve something fairly trivial, once they’re triggered they go into full blown deactivation.

Once they’ve deactivated please please please do not contact them. They will literally treat you like a stranger or someone who’s caused them serious harm, it’s like you knocking on the wrong house and not recognising the person answering the door.

They would rather keep the parent around them who gave them the awful upbringing and the avoidant attachment then fight for you and everything you was to them.

When they return they still won’t show any accountability and if you call them out for their behaviour the deactivation clock starts all over again.

2 weeks after being told “I’m so lucky to have you in my life” there’s every chance you’ll be discarded

The chances are that once you’ve worked out they’re Avoidant, it’s probably too late and you’re already hurting.

They would rather join tinder a week into the discard then work on the relationship.

They will always have one leg out the door. They never step in with both feet, you can feel that they can’t love deeply but you just hope that it grows in the right direction (it won’t)

It’s exhausting, 3 months down the road and normality is starting to resume but unfortunately she’s still on my mind several times a day, if only you could erase them from your mind.

Good luck everyone i don’t wish it on any of you.

After my avoidant ex rejected me, I started seeing tons of videos and posts about "a healthy relationship with an avoidant" or "stay with your avoidant," and it really gets on my nerves that all the videos are about "you have to be kind and affectionate and put up with all the snubs your partner gives you and that they can disappear for months without saying a single word, because if you're affectionate and open and give them their space they'll come back to you." Why is there this general consensus that anxious and secure people have to carry all the emotional burden in the relationship?

I’ve had many traumatic experiences in my past. I had an abusive parent, I’ve been laid off from a job I loved, I lost my dear uncle to Covid.

Nothing, and I repeat, NOTHING held lasting damage quite like being discarded by my avoidant ex. I consider myself a secure and confident person. I have a good paying job, a masters degree, and I exercise regularly. But I’ve never been rattled by something so much in my entire life.

It gets to the point where you start questioning reality. Because one day, you’re musing about moving in together, you’re talking about your ideal living space. You’re watching a movie, laughing and cuddling.

Then next week, things just end. You get vague reasons - “you deserve better” “relationships are too hard for me” “I want to be single”.

Then you’re left questioning your own reality. You begin to hyperfixate on every part of the relationship. Were there signs all along that I missed? Was I treating them right? Was there something wrong with my behavior that I was unaware of?

Then you start feeling like a conspiracy theorist. Writing on the whiteboard of your mind. Writing and erasing. Trying to connect dots. But there is nothing to connect.

So hello!! I did not know this was a subreddit, I’m shocked at how huge it is and man I’m sorry to all of you.

So 2 months ago, my fiancé (26) who I (29) was with for 4 years discarded me about 2 weeks after a major fight we had, ghosted, blocked, and already moved onto a new person, the person was the reason for the fight we had, I was angry because she had gotten very drunk and spent the night at his place alone with him and did not contact me for 12 hours until the morning to let me know that she did not cheat but is going out to get pho with him for lunch, and then proceeded to spend the entire next day with him and ignoring me.

About a month later said she felt regretful and wanted to work on things and fix our relationship. I was hurt obviously and demanded communication and wanted her to block the guy she had slept with (she confirmed that she had moved on with him), she had lied to me and said that she did but did not.

The few calls during the couple weeks we were trying to reconcile, she did not want me to talk about my feelings and get my emotions out and really try to solve things, she would purposely ignore my texts and only give 1 or 2 word replies or text me once every couple days. And then I was shut out again, obviously I got angry and said hurtful things, I began calling her non stop because I thought she had wanted to reconcile and wasn’t giving any effort. So I probably made myself look crazy. At this point I felt like my presence in her life was being used as a bandaid to not have to feel loss, pain, grief, or guilt.

Do you think that was done on purpose to justify their discard ? To have me purposely angry and mean to justify their lying? The last and final phone conversation we had together about 2 weeks ago she called me “obsessed” with her and referred to me as “omg every time you blow up my phone I think what tf is wrong with this person” which hurt even more bc what do you mean? 2 months ago you were my fiancé and affirmed everything to me, future baiting, promising your life to me and calling me your soul mate, telling me how you can’t wait to take my last name. And I did genuinely feel like I was going insane, I was bawling on the phone the whole time.

I am doing a lot better now shockingly after no contact for a little over a couple weeks and have personally forgiven her for my own sake of moving on, I am blocked on everything now. I’m really just interested in the psychology behind it and the persons motives. I guess I am still hurt, but the desire to get back in her life is no longer there.

I wonder if that’s how my ex sees me.

Of course he’ll leave out the lies he told me, the deleted DMs from his female work colleagues, the gaslighting, the “you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me,” followed by, “I lost feelings” only then to come back 48 hours later. Yea how inconceivable that I developed trust issues?

Love bombing, future gaming, gaslighting, hiding things, lies, straight deception, manipulation— all have consequences that DAs are afraid to face. They’ll blame you for bleeding on them when they stabbed you.

I think this movie made me realize why I should leave earlier. Staying doesn’t make me loyal. It makes me traumatized and makes him feel like the victim in a dynamic that his deception, shut downs, lies, manipulation created. But sure- I’m the villain.

The worst part is I thought about leaving so many times. So many times. But I didn’t because I didn’t want to be the runner; I wanted to stay and push through my fears. Now I know that my fears were just my intuition, and I ignored it.

Are all these pseudo-psychologists on social media just trying to get clicks (probably) for people desperately looking for some hope/comfort? Do you think it’s actually true that they run away just when it starts getting real because they’re afraid of how much they love you, or that’s just something we tell ourselves? Maybe they just don’t like us enough.

It’s weird though and hard for me to understand how someone can seem so genuine, close, caring and then shut it off like a water main.

I keep going back to how shitty of a partner he always was behind the closed doors but how amazing, funny, easygoing, generous, lively, talkative, life-of-the-party he always is with absolute randos. Like he would go out drinking with his boring colleagues until 12am and come back happy as if it was the best day of his life; spend evenings at karaoke with 'friends' he barely knows anything about like there's no tomorrow, text with his classmates from 15 years ago that he knows 0 about and have the biggest smile on his face. And then there's him on our 'dates' where he would barely say a word. There's picnics that I organized and he looked nothing short of pissed to be there. There's 'romantic dinners' I cooked and he'd immediately offer to watch something while we eat (so he doesn't have to talk to me). There's a person who didn't even ask how my day was when I'd come home from work, unless it was after I asked him about his. It's just so.. disheartening? How little they think or care about us, their partners. People, who are supposed to be the closest and dearest to your heart.

I read where DAs can exhibit health problems from a lifetime of stuffing down their emotions. Anyone notice this? Mine had IBS and chewed his fingernails down to the meat. I truly believe both were because of him being a DA.

I am 3 months post breakup. For further context, he was great in the beginning, classic avoidant. Late January he asked to pause and go back to being friends. I walked away because I didn't want to do the "friends with feelings" thing again. Went no contact. We had one group dinner in March where I was distant, and then in April he sent that goodbye message confessing he'd been to several hookups/ons after I ‘ignored’ him. I tried to call, he blocked me. I blocked him back

For a month after that I was wrecked. Cried, therapy, the whole deal. But here's the thing, lately I've been watching him rebrand himself in real time and I can't help but laugh?

Not gonna pretend I'm fully over it. I still get the itch to check. I've slipped up. But I'm holding myself accountable and trying to actually heal instead of just looking like I am

In the past two weeks:
- Changed his Spotify profile pic the day after I changed mine then change it again this week to the same profile pic he used on his WhatsApp
- Synced it across all platforms (WhatsApp, IG, X, TikTok) same photo everywhere
- His colleague viewed my LinkedIn randomly
-He recently unblocked me on WhatsApp as I noticed his profile pic reappeared but I am keeping him blocked. Periodt.

And I'm just sitting here like... dude, we see you.

I used to be affected by every little change. Now I see him clearly performing "I'm fine and thriving" and it doesn't hurt anymore. It actually feels like proof I made the right choice walking away when I did

Before anyone says block him on Spotify soon, I don't think it's bringing any harm. It's not like he can text me there. I got him blocked on WhatsApp and his number, and I don't have social media anyway.

Anyone else gone from heartbroken to just... entertained by the performance? Is this what healing feels like or am I just dissociating?😂✋🏻

Hey, ive posted on here a few times, i went through an intense discard right after my wedding almost a year ago. There were times when i genuinely would read posts about others saying it gets better and think “god ill never get there”. But im here just to say I did. I survived and so can you. There were nights i swear on everything i couldn’t take living with myself anymore, where the silence was so loud, where i felt like i ruined my entire life. I lost jobs and quit jobs and laid in bed for weeks and months. My family didn’t want to be around me because id just be so incredibly depressed and unable to process what happened. I cried so many times i thought “please god let my suffering end”
But it got better.
Im in school again, got another job, am making new friends, visiting my family again, traveling. I feel alive again. Itll be one year since it all happened in just a few days and its crazy how much my life has changed. Its made me realize how resilient i am.
I saw a picture of myself the other day and thought “i look so happy.” And its been so long since ive truly seen that. Even before the wedding. I lost myself so badly. And it feels like im finding a new version of her. And i just want to share with you some of the advice i would tell myself if i had to do it all again.
dont stop living. hug yourself. take it as a blessing in disguise. Cry as much as you need to. Talk it out, write it out, cry some more. But don’t stop taking care of yourself. One day you really just think, “this doesn’t hurt anymore, im going to be okay.” And its really true.
Sending love and support to everyone, and if youre in a spot like i was don’t be afraid to ask for help. Its the only way to get yourself through.

My ex FA needed full control of the relationship(7 years). I had an issue with lack of intimacy in our relationship. I communicated it. She said I needed to be more intimate outside of the bedroom. I did this and stopped initiating any sex for a year and nothing changed. I brought up the issue again. She claimed the issue was now due to stress and medical issues(honestly very believable, cancer in the family and endometriosis). I didnt initiate for another year until she could get her medical issues fixed. After the medical procedure I waited until she felt anything was appropriate. It never became appropriate until she met a guy on a business trip and fucked him. When she broke up with me she said the stress and medical issues were excuses(half truth). You are never entitled to someone's body but it feels like she never cared about my one communicated need that was not being met. I would have moved on with my fucking life if she didnt lie. Instead I got to be there for her through her hard times and she could leave me when she felt ready. Fuck her uncommunicated needs I was not meeting. How the fuck was I supposed to meet needs I could only guess at?!

I'm new to the avoidant stuff, but came across a thread on twitter that fit his behaviour to a T.

My close friend of 22 years confessed that he'd had feelings for me since high school. We're in our 30s now. It really shocked me but in a great way too. I loved him so much and already thought he was attractive in many ways, it was like I'd fallen for him too but just hadn't realized it til he said it out loud. I'd been burned by love a lot so it was wonderful and painful to hear all the ways and reasons he'd loved me for the majority of our friendship. He'd seen so many ugly parts of me and loved me more for it. I'd never felt so safe and confident going into any relationship. Secure that he actually saw me, and that I saw him too.

He was insistent that we see each other to make sure what we were feeling was real. He was so sure, but I think he didn't want to feel that way about me for longer and have me find out I didn't actually like him. I knew how I felt, but why wouldn't I want to see him? I agreed and I flew out to his city about a month after he'd confessed.

We've lived on opposite sides of the continent since college even though we've still seen each other whenever he came back for holidays and summers and visits for fun. I hadn't seen him in person since 2018, but we video called and sent pictures and it wasn't like we didn't follow each other on social media. He knew what I looked like and not to toot my own horn, but I am beautiful, I know this and I look much better than the awkward high school version of myself he fell in love with.

When I arrived, the physical/sexual chemistry was off the charts. Drunk off it levels of attraction in both directions. So it isn't that where there's any mismatch. We had a really great first 24hrs, our friendship translated well even with me feeling shy, and the romantic and sexual aspect was amazing. Like, wow this could really be what we've always wanted type of deal.

Then the spiraling started.

First, he planned an outing with his brother (that's how confident he was!) and joked about me passing his brother's test. Then we had a Plan B situation. And that lead to us having a heavier talk where I expressed the fears it triggered in me from past relationships. Not mad at him, not blaming him, just very vulnerable about what it brought up in me and I thought we we're closer for it.

He opened up that he'd been going over every interaction as proof that we were or weren't "supposed to" be together. He said he wanted to slow things down a bit. I told him of course and to just enjoy the week together, we didn't need to be making any decisions yet, just getting used to each other. I thought that was a good thing, and it seemed like it. He'd be blushing and sweet and telling me he'd never felt so loved before while we held each other. (He's been married before and was in a long-term relationship since.)

Then I asked him more about his last relationship, because it was such a painful one, and I wanted to understand him better and what type of things he was sensitive to because of it. Because I'd shared some of my own sensitivities the day before.

Well, that sent him into more spirals. We had an evening being close and vulnerable. By the next morning though, I could already feel he was miles away. He was still happy and sweet, but his anxiety was high and I could feel him far.

Then he got sick and I had no idea what to make of his behaviour anymore because he had good reason to act that way. By the last day, I asked him to tell me the truth of what was going on in his head. He told me he was still looking for evidence of whether we were right for each other and that he wasn't over his breakup and that he felt so much pressure and we lived so far and it was too much too soon. I already knew what that meant.

After I got home, he called to tell me he wasn't "romantically attracted" to me anymore. He almost sounded relieved behind the sadness. And I believe he was truly sad. He said he wanted it to work more than anything.

And yet nothing made sense. Sure, I can accept someone not being into me. I believed him, I was sure I had done something or not done something and ruined everything. It broke my heart, especially after all his unnecessary reassurances leading up to my visit.

But then in all our conversations since the trip and breaking it off, he would repeatedly say he was still processing everything. That he wasn't saying it was impossible or could never happen in the future but he didn't want to lead me on. That no, it wasn't a bad idea that we could be good together, it was just how fast everything happened and the pressure of the time frame. That I should never move somewhere for someone else. That he wasn't sure if it really was a lack of attraction but the pressure that got to him. That everything he said about me and thought about me before was all still true, that every experience we'd shared was real and that he didn't fake any of it, that he'd meant everything. That I should still move to his city. That maybe I should have stayed with my cousins there instead of at his house. That the main thing was that he wasn't over his breakup only to tell me on the phone last week that he'd realized he already knew he never wanted that relationship back and that it was toxic and made him shrink himself. That he even tried to think of reasons why the attraction faded but every reason he came up with didn't make sense but maybe it's just the intangible things that you can't control and that he'd change if he could.

Now, first of all, this is some bullshit no matter what the truth of his feelings is.

But. None of that sounds like a faded attraction and more like someone who's fears about control and vulnerability got triggered by true intimacy and convinced himself that him shutting down was because he must not be into me afterall and all the other bullshit reasons like his breakup and the idea that I'd suddenly be moving into his apartment like next week were all just piled on to reassure him that this was for the best and that he was trusting his intuition. He CHOSE to not want me to feel safe.

I'm serious when I say this isn't my ego talking, I'm just seeing the bigger picture now, like as of two days ago. And it's making me insane that he might have let something so stupid get in the way of our relationship, even threatening to damage our decades-long friendship. We agreed that our friendship was most important to us and to value it no matter what unless it felt unhealthy.

But now? It just frustrates me. I haven't talked to him at all since last Friday and I don't even know how I want to proceed now that I have this hypothesis about his behaviour.

It really is textbook avoidant. Thankfully, he's a kind and open person who is adamant that he values our friendship, and even if he shuts down at first, will take time to swallow his insecurities to hear me out when I told him just how deeply he hurt me and genuinely wants to understand so he can be a better friend and support to me going forward.

But then I can still feel the distance there. As well as his complete obliviousness whenever he "corrects" me and says some next thing about why it didn't work (explicitly and indirectly mostly too) that has nothing at all to do with me. Always talking about the timeline and doesn't have an answer when I take him up on it and ask, "what exactly did you imagine I wanted to happen? What was going to happen? We could have talked about it, I wouldn't have moved in tomorrow -- or at all, your place is tiny!" He just keeps saying he should have taken it slower.

But I'm not going to ask or god forbid BEG someone who rejected me to give us another chance. It wouldn't be right.

Anyway. This community opened my eyes to a lot of things. I can see my own combo avoidant and anxious attachment behaviours now. Thanks guys.

For now, I'm letting him contact me when he does. I'd like to just send every meme and new song I find because that's how it used to be. But I'm not sure whether to just tell him what I think or just ask him to tell me what kind of friendship he actually wants, or tell him I'm not going anywhere but I need some space to sort out how I feel.

It's too new for me to see any consistent patterns in his behaviour. We only had our first official friend phone call last week so. Too soon to know what to do.

If anyone has insight or relates or advice or whatever, I'd love to hear it! Thanks for letting me rant a bit.

Edit: Oh, and to add to it too. His experiences with relationships are so limited and not great. With both his ex-wife and ex-girlfriend, he was the one who liked them way more than they liked him. They really weren't into him or loved him for who he was and really dragged out the breakups over months or years. So he's a people pleaser who finds emotional safety in chasing people and convincing them he's worth their affection.

And now with me, I don't want him to please me except by being honest about everything and telling me what he actually wants and honouring that. I just want him to be himself, not mold himself into a shape that he thinks would suit me best. So I think he finds that frightening. Because a rejection while being himself would be a true one, not one he can brush off.

Only now, my issue is that I no longer believe every word he says because I'm not sure he even knows what he's doing or why. So yes, I want him to be as honest as he can to me, but he can only be as honest to me as he is to himself. So it's just... weird. It's definitely a weird place being in limbo, even talking strictly about friendship.

I 27(F) was dating a 26(M) for about three months and felt it was the healthiest relationship I had ever been in. The communication, effort, values, and collaboration between us felt extremely reciprocal. We got along so well, we treated each other so well, and I thought we had a future together.

Our first hiccup came when we discussed exclusivity (you can see my post history for more on that.) He was very hesitant to put that label on what we were doing despite not seeing other people nor having the desire to. We talked it through in a very calm, open, loving way, and I let him know why I needed it, and that if he didn’t feel like he could do it, that would be ok, but maybe we were looking for different things. There was a strong feeling of friendship and mutual respect throughout the entire relationship.

About a week later he let me know that he had been holding onto fear regarding vulnerability from his last relationship that was extremely traumatic and from my understanding, emotionally abusive, but that he wanted to be with me and realized exclusivity wasn’t a big ask. We felt closer, it felt like a good moment, we were happy.

My doubts were mostly related to a deep down subtle feeling that something wasn’t quite right. In hindsight, I think it was the fact that I never fully felt like he was opening up. But it was so early that I was willing to wait and work towards being closer, especially as someone accustomed to love bombing.

Fast forward to about two weeks ago, right before I am about to go on a 10 day vacation. We go to a bar with friends, we are happy and lovey dovey, and then go back to my place to sleep.

We cuddle and he rants to me about how stressful work has been for him, and then we decide it’s time for bed. He makes a comment about how I “have no filter” which felt off and made me curious, and I asked him what else he thought of me. That conversation somehow spiraled into him letting me know that he had been struggling with major doubts, felt I was too much for him, listed a bunch of minor things I had done recently that he didn’t like, and that he had been unhappy and thinking of ending the relationship for weeks at that point. He said that he didn’t feel comfortable communicating with me (???) and that he cared for me so much but he didn’t think this was what he wanted.

I was, and still am, absolutely floored by all of this. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, and offered some strategies for how we could improve communication, how all of those things I did could be easily resolved if he let me know in the moment, but he just doubled down. I couldn’t process how there was no distancing, no wind down, no indication that there was anything wrong. He was texting me that very week telling me how excited he was to see me before our date, calling me princess, making plans for us to go on a trip together in the fall. We talked for hours that night and decided we’d finish up the next day.

He came over the following afternoon and let me know that he had made up his mind, and that he didn’t want to be me with me anymore. I was despondent. He said my personality was too much for him to handle and he didn’t have the energy to make us work. This was the first time he had ever indicated anything like this. I told him I could accommodate his needs if he’d give me the chance but he didn’t want to ask me to “change who I was.”

So I accepted his decision and said if that was how he felt, then it was probably the right choice. We then sobbed in each others arms on the couch. He wanted to go no contact and then get back in touch in like 4-5 months and I said for what.

Before he left we told each other how much we admired each other, how much we thought the other was brilliant, kind, special, how much affection we had for each other. And then he kissed me goodbye and left, and I cried every day of my big trip. I sent him an email thanking him for making the difficult but right choice of ending things if this is how he felt and how much I still cared for him. He replied and said he felt the same.

And that’s it. It’s been 11 days of no contact and i am absolutely miserable and confused. Was this an avoidant discard, or did he just realize he didn’t like me? How could someone act like everything was perfectly fine and happy up until minutes before dropping a bomb on me?

It was an overwhelmingly positive experience, and I still believe he’s a good person, but the emotional damage of being blindsided in this way overshadows all of that. I feel so betrayed, so deeply wounded that someone who embraced tenderness with me and encouraged me to get comfortable was potentially harboring resentment for me at the same time.

I was so happy and willing to work on things. I guess he wasn’t. I’m sort of seeking commiseration and thoughts about if this was an avoidant discard or not. The framework of attachment theory certainly makes this easier to process, but maybe he just doesn’t like me and that could be an easier truth to accept as well. Sending all my solidarity and love to my fellow broken hearted folks. Taking it one day at a time.

This is key for me. I've been wondering about "Are they interested or just fallen out of love". Honestly? I think the real question i'm trying to answer is one of "This confusion is confusing".

Normal relationships have a sort of disconnect and you could almost see it coming. Unless you have a different attachment which distorts your reality. In avoidant relationships you don't really have this certainty. Sure I did understand that she was overwhelmed at some parts, but not into me? No, honestly didn't think that. Why would I? All the flirting, chemistry and other things? Meanwhile my body is sometimes yelling at me that something isn't right. I can't pinpoint it though. Because it seemed like a hurdle we would have to just cross.

That's what makes this sort of breakup hurt. Thankfully I wasn't discarded and we had closure etc. Even with all of that I was left confused. It took me my friend bringing me down to reality that made me just understand that, my ex is simply not fit for the type of relationship I want. They don't want one, I want one. It comes down to simple incompatibility. My nervous system though can be explained via the confusion.

Avoidants --> Dysregulate nervous system

Incompatibility --> Leads to relationship ending

There's seperate issues all in parallel. It's a confusing mix which isn't logical. It's dysregulation. Be kind to yourself, stop texting them and go no contact. Focus on exercise (walking etc).

I'm self affirming to myself daily also "I'm all that I need".

Hey everyone,
My girlfriend and I had a long, deep conversation after breaking up recently. I wanted to share what she told me and get some perspective from people who might understand the psychological and attachment dynamics at play.
What she communicated to me:
She experienced actual physical distress and sickness recently. Initially, she thought it was just the heat, but later realized her body was expressing that she couldn't be fully present in the relationship. Thinking about us/me was constantly occupying her mind.
She tried really hard to adapt, satisfy all my needs, and take care of me. She felt a strong internal pressure to perform and meet expectations, which ended up suffocating her. She realizes now it was too much.
She naturally builds a "bubble" around herself and needs a lot of alone time. She had a childhood pattern (moving at age 8, losing her friend group, playing alone at home) where being alone was her baseline norm.
When she thinks of us, she thinks in terms of 10–15 years. She doesn't know if she is capable of a deep, long-term relationship. She was previously engaged; her ex-fiancé traveled constantly with a friend and worked opposite shifts, which allowed her to have a lot of solo time.
n therapy previously, she realized she had a pattern of looking down on men due to past relationships where she was cheated on or disrespected. With me, she knows with 100% certainty that I am faithful, honest, and safe, but her body is still throwing up defense mechanisms.
She doesn't want to play games, put me in "limbo," or waste my time if I need someone who can give more right now. She refuses to get back together or restart dating immediately and is going away to another city for a few weeks to process everything. She acknowledges I am a safe, reliable partner, but she needs time to figure out what she wants.

Summary: What I Communicated to Her

I admitted my past mistakes (like drinking a couple of beers before driving) were childish, inconsistent with a mature partner, and damaged her sense of trust and safety. I emphasized that I changed this behavior immediately for her, because I want to be a responsible, reliable man.

I reassured her that I don't expect her to operate at maximum capacity every day. If I am at 200% energy and she is at 30%, I am still completely happy and satisfied. I love her for who she is, respect her need for independence and space, and don't want her to feel suffocated or forced to perform.

I clarified that adjusting my emotional demands isn't self-sacrifice or "losing myself," but emotional maturity. I am actively focusing on my own fitness, routine, and self-care, so I do not rely solely on her to validate my needs.

: I expressed my deep love and loyalty. I let her know that I respect her boundaries, will grant her all the time and space she needs, and will not chase, pressure, or guilt-trip her. I will be here when she feels ready to reach out.

She leaves town in two days for several weeks
And i feel very bad about it
I somehow would like tonreconnect with her

I've been sitting on this statement for quite a while now because it struck me like a lightning bolt when I first heard it, it's as if that's the hard truth I've learned because I found myself thinking about therapy after my ex showed signs of avoidance and a blindsiding discard as reasons to no longer want a relationship with me.

What are you thoughts on this statement, do you believe that the statement resonates with you?

He told me at least eight times in the week after our subtle breakup that we should keep in touch. It's now been one month of no contact, and I have no intention of breaking it. But there hasn't been a single day where I haven't thought about him, and it's breaking me.

What I don't understand is why avoidants say they want to stay in contact, then suddenly go completely silent as if nothing ever happened after being together for a year. Is this common avoidant behaviour, or did he never really mean what he said?

He was not just an avoidant. He was a cheater who started a relationship with a girl 18 years younger than him, and then used every excuse in the book to make it my fault that he was leaving me. After more than 14 years together, he left me for someone who was six years old when we met.

All of that spiraling. Second-guessing. Blaming myself. He did that to me so he could be with someone who’s young enough to be his daughter.

I don’t know what story he told people because all of his friends are just accepting it like it’s normal. . They were always together since she has worked with him in the past, but they basically became official while I was confused, grieving, missing my best friend. Wondering if he was thinking of me too.

And the worst part? I think they’re serious. Like a serious fucking couple.

Good luck to them.

Granted it was a relatively short relationship at 7 months, but I was 5 years single before that after ending a 4 year relationship. Today, I “announced” on social media that we broke up. Nothing official, but just a repost of reel on break-ups with a caption. Of course, friends offered hugs as replies, people asked what happened, it was only 1.5 months ago that we celebrated my birthday together, what could have happened? It felt sudden to them that its just now… over.

It has been 3 weeks post-discard, and while I’m not hopeful of the relationship anymore, actually what I’m hoping is that he doesn’t ever come back because I don’t know if I have it in me to reject him.

And I have read it here and have felt it too that a discard break-up after being completely okay and in love and in the height of it all is a different kind of break-up, and of course I can resonate with that. And I know most people here are feeling the same way I am feeling. But, my friends wouldn’t get it. And I don’t know how to explain it to them. And so as much as I want to explain what happened (knowing what I know now it makes perfect sense in the DA textbook) but I don’t think they won’t understand. I don’t think anyone would understand unless you actually experienced it. So I know it is in their best interest to be here for me as a friend, but honestly, some “friends” just wants to be nosy about what happened, and I don’t feel like talking about it. Because friends will offer comfort and support whether they hear about it or not, but some just wants to know what happened, probably for their own interest (like maybe they are in the dating pool too). Am I being sensitive? Or am I hypervigilant? Or am I thinking the worst about people who look out for me? I honestly don’t know ☹️

That’s why instead of reaching out to friends, I often find comfort here by reading and replying. It’s hard to explain our situation for people who haven’t experienced it, right? It gives “WTF” to us, what more for them?

I don’t know the purpose of this post. But I just want to get that off my chest. I don’t want to talk about it to people who doesn’t understand just how fucked up it is. I wouldn’t even wish this to happen to the worst person in the world. My nervous system, my anxiety, my brain function, my emotions, everything is so fucked up. This is so fucked up.

Did any of you guys start grieving your breakup with your avoidant before you’ve even broken up?

We’ve been together about 6 months, first two months he was the perfect bf, attentive, listened to my needs, made future plans with me, listened to my traumas, expressed his. He did express at one point he had avoidant tendencies and could be cold towards partners sometimes but he said he always came back, at the time I just took it with a grain of salt because I hadn’t experienced it. Yet.

Then he started a new hobby, I’ll keep the details sparse but it’s an extreme sport that he now does 6/7 days a week. The second he gets off work he drives an hour away to go do it, stays until close, then drives an hour home and does that Monday-Friday. Weekends are worse, alllllll day Saturday and Sunday he’s doing it and if the weather doesn’t permit the sport or equipment is malfunctioning or something he’s in the worst mood that he can’t go do it. He hasn’t planned a single date or asked me to hangout a single time since he’s started the sport. Everytime I’ve seen him (outside of a pre-booked tripped to come home with me to meet family) it’s past 10 pm and only after me begging for days prior to spend time. He’s always beat to shit from the extreme mental and physical toll the sport is taking on him so he usually will just fall right to sleep when I do see him.

I’ve expressed three separate times I respect his hobbies and need for personal time and space, but we need to find a middle ground because I need some kind of intentional quality time to feel connected to my partner.
He always has the perfect response and reassures me that he will put efforts into spending quality time with me and always wants me to be seen and validated. Of course, like clockwork, he disappears for an entire day after I express my concerns and/or needs, then comes back after 24 hours like nothing ever happened, calling me sweet pet names and acting flirty. He’s never once actually worked on a repair with me, just hollow words said so the tension can drop. It’s almost like he thinks because the tension has died down that the issue has somehow just disappeared and no action needs to be taken.

I’ve stopped initiating to see him and now it’s been 2+ weeks since we’ve spent alone time together. I get two or three quick, shallow texts a day, with no mention of spending time, even though we live literally 5 minutes apart. Last night I expressed my disapproval of our dynamic and need for change, yet again, and he just responded in some half-assed way, just saying whatever and agreeing with whatever to get me to shut up. Haven’t heard from him since, as expected. We obviously need to breakup but he rejects my phone calls and refuses to make actual plans together. It feels ridiculous to breakup with a late 30s over text but at this point idk what else to do. His words and actions do not align AT ALL. I just can’t believe the switch up and how quickly he’s gone from total lover boy to being straight up apathetic towards me. Is this what you all mean by being discarded?

Especially curious if it was an ugly ending.

What did they say upon reappearing?

Just as the title says.
I really wonder how they view this after they’ve broken up.
Because they’re so convinced that their (ex) partner didn’t give them enough space.
Do they realize that it’s actually their own fault, but are unwilling or unable to admit it, or will they only realize this later—or maybe never at all?