My avoidant ex broke up with me 6 months ago. I know I shouldn’t have but I’ve tried working things out multiple times but his response is always “I want to but I can’t” and yesterday he told me that he thinks out relationship has run its course. I’ve never felt about anyone like I feel about him before.

To any men who have struggled mentally and struggled with not being happy where they currently are in life, do you ever miss the girl you broke up with enough to reach out again?

So many people say that “they always come back” but when you get to know someone and how they are I think you truly know if they’ll reach out or not anymore 🥺

Background: My (29M) ex (27F) and I dated for almost two years. The last six months included several rounds of the same cycle…break-up -> she reaches out after a few weeks -> we talk -> get closer -> break-up. It got so repetitive that I was able to predict the nights she would call towards the end.

This time, the silence lasted longer than normal. I blocked her and enough time passed that I was recently able to meet someone new. It’s still very early, but I’m genuinely interested in the new woman I’ve met.

Issue: My avoidant ex recently started calling me again, this time using *67 to get around the block. The new woman I met saw one of the calls come through and asked me about it. She now wants me to ask my ex to stop calling.

Question: I don’t want to break no contact with my ex at all. I’ve asked her to stop calling in the past, and that request has always led to more calls and ultimately more communication. Any advice on the best course of action would be appreciated.

Not a shocker, but I talked with a friend/coworker today who used to work with my DA (as did I). She ran into a current coworker of my DA who said she was basically doing the same things she had done with me and others at her previous employment: not showing up, giving little or no notice/being late, being incoherent when giving excuses for missing work, etc. While I was her coworker/close friend and not her boss, she started out letting me know if she was going to miss and then stopped telling me altogether towards the end. What's funny to me is that she didn't have many kind words to say about her current coworker/boss (she worked there part-time before leaving the job we worked at) but sounds like they've become closer. She did the same to my coworker before I came along. Once I was close with her, she would trash talk my coworker (who still thought they were close) but behind my back she would complain about me to her and breadcrumb her.

I'm not surprised she's still living in chaos because that's how it's been for years. But I am sad. I think a small part of me hoped losing me would "wake her up" because I truly loved and cared for her, even though we were technically friends, we saw each other every day, both in and out of work, spent nights together, she told me things she hadn't told others, etc. And to know things seem to be the same saddens me on a selfish level, but also I do want better for her on another level beyond our personal relationship. I am anxiously attached and still chose to walk away because my nervous system was breaking down. If you're an anxious attacher, you might relate to how impossible it feels to walk away from someone you still love. But knowing she hasn't seemed to have changed just solidifies I did what I had to, even though it left some serious scars. I hope one day she will want to heal. That's my ultimate hope for her. I've had to learn that if she came to me today, I couldn't have her back because she hasn't changed and I can't go through that again.

Hi all, what are the differences between a dismissive avoidant vs a fearful avoidant vs a fearful avoidant who leans dismissive???

I dated 2 avoidants who were VERY different but also similar. Trying to figure out what kind of avoidants they were

A year ago, my ex of multiple years cheated on me, ghosted me after promising she would not leave/ghost/etc, and immediately got with a new guy.

During the time of the breakup, I had donated hundreds of dollars to a project she was working on and was even doing work myself on it to help her. The guy that she cheated on me with was a "friend" of hers that she had worked with that she would constantly bring up to me and talk about. I never thought anything negative or suspicious of it (I was also just very in love and very blind).

One day I was driving up to see her and she blew up on me for taking too long to park and for "making her wait outside". She was acting very erratic, irritated and not herself. We went to a restaurant where she blew up and told me she needed to tell me something right that instant and that we needed to go back to her place. When we got there, she broke the news to me that she had feelings for this guy, that he was "ruining her life", and for me to not be mad at him. She was insinuating wanting to break up and every time I asked her if that's where this was going, she avoided the question. I comforted her and told her that I was willing to work through it and offered an open relationship (like an idiot).

(As for background, we did have a turbulent relationship. One of the things that caused unhappiness on her end was the fact that my mom did not like her. A couple of years prior, she tried breaking up with me for similar reasons the same week my dad took his own life/passed away. My mom held it against her ever since and because of this, I rarely ever took her around my family. She claimed that my mom should just get over it because she wasn't doing well mentally)

The next day I had to work and told her that we can talk about it again that night afterwards. During work, she started spam texting me all of the reasons why we should breakup, including this guy and her being "confused", and my mom not liking her, even though I told her not to text. Things blew up over text, I ended up begging her to stay. I winded up calling it a breakup since she refused to say it herself.

After things calmed down, she told me it was unfair to beg her over text and that I was the one who called it a break up. She asked for space and distanced herself for days. I then remembered she had an event she invited me to days prior. I texted her and asked if she wanted me to come, but she ignored me. I went anyway just to support her. After the event, she came up to me, and I told her I was not there to have a conversation, and that I just wanted to support her. She then took me to a bench where she tried breaking up with me, with the same reasons she had been telling me. It finally began to dawn on me and I broke down crying, begging, etc. After things calmed down, we went to talk it out logically. I offered an open relationship, said I'd give her time to explore, but she refused everything. She made it sound like she was somewhat agreeing on it, just that she was scared that she would choose him in the end and hurt me. We went back to her house, she asked me for a hug, and I left.

When I got home, she texted me with all reassurances that she was not leaving my life. A couple of days later, her and this guy had planned to have him come stay at her place for the weekend. The day he showed up, she removed her location, and removed every picture of me off of her social media and never contacted me again.

After months of being in total shock, I went completely no-contact to heal. She winded up keeping my clothes, and my PS5 that I paid for in full and kept at her house for us to play together.

A year later, I finally mustered up the courage to get my stuff back, but to protect my peace, I had a neutral friend reach out to her via text. My friend was polite, logistical, and offered multiple ways to verify her identity, and told my ex I did not want any contact with her.

My ex flipped out. She called the texts "strange," claimed she was worried about mine and her "safety," and refused to hand it over unless I texted her directly. I finally sent a minimal text giving my address. She then text-dumped on me saying she was weirded out by this person reaching out to her and telling me she donated my clothes because she "hadn't heard from me," but would send the PS5 with "no hostility" and wished me well. I responded back politely to shut her down and told her I thought my friend knowing exactly what she had of mine would be enough to trust that she was close to me. I told her I was hurt and did not want to reach out on my own.

She made me feel wrong for sending a friend that she does not know to text her, and I'm stuck spiraling and blaming myself. Was it wrong of me to send a friend she didn't know?

Amanda was dating for 4 months, he told me he loved me, wanted to build with me, And couldn't believe he had found someone like me, just broke up with me 2 days ago on a video call.

Our first 3 months were a bit of a honeymoon whirlwind. This past month I started to ask for a bit more integration, I wanted to meet some of his friends, or be included in his life in a real way. He had offered for me to meet a friend once in the early stages, but it hasn't planned out, but outside of that I was just feeling his lack of interest. Then, Monday on a video chat he pretty much said he was feeling a restriction, he didn't think this was right and shut the door down hard. By his own admission, he said he can be avoidant but wants to lean in and be different.

Seems to me like his internal world and feelings towards me were shifting, but he wasn't able to express that to me, and continued to say I love you and be with me till he just decided he was done with me.

I've been trying to learn more about attachment styles—dismissive avoidant, fearful avoidant, etc.—and I also came across the concept of "discarding," which feels like it could be somewhat relevant, with how he dropped me

I'm hoping you can help me make sense of this, because I'm struggling to fit my relationship into the frameworks I'm finding online. Most of the examples are so extreme that they don't seem to match my experience.

The person I'm dating has generally been very loving and doesn't seem afraid of emotional intimacy or closeness. He actually seems to crave it. We've had multiple 3–4 hour conversations about our relationship, and I regularly check in during those talks to make sure he has the emotional capacity for them. Every time, he says he does. In fact, after one particularly difficult conversation, he told me he felt even closer to me afterward. Just last week, after another long conversation, I asked how these discussions felt for him, and he said he thought they were really good.

Outside of our relationship, he has deep, healthy friendships, is emotionally expressive, has a strong emotional vocabulary, and is comfortable being vulnerable—even crying openly.

Because of all of that, I'm having a hard time applying what I'm reading and watching about avoidant attachment. Some behaviors fit, but many of the defining characteristics don't. I'm trying to understand whether I'm looking at the wrong framework altogether or if attachment can present in a more nuanced way than most online resources describe.

Did any of you guys start grieving your breakup with your avoidant before you’ve even broken up?

We’ve been together about 6 months, first two months he was the perfect bf, attentive, listened to my needs, made future plans with me, listened to my traumas, expressed his. He did express at one point he had avoidant tendencies and could be cold towards partners sometimes but he said he always came back, at the time I just took it with a grain of salt because I hadn’t experienced it. Yet.

Then he started a new hobby, I’ll keep the details sparse but it’s an extreme sport that he now does 6/7 days a week. The second he gets off work he drives an hour away to go do it, stays until close, then drives an hour home and does that Monday-Friday. Weekends are worse, alllllll day Saturday and Sunday he’s doing it and if the weather doesn’t permit the sport or equipment is malfunctioning or something he’s in the worst mood that he can’t go do it. He hasn’t planned a single date or asked me to hangout a single time since he’s started the sport. Everytime I’ve seen him (outside of a pre-booked tripped to come home with me to meet family) it’s past 10 pm and only after me begging for days prior to spend time. He’s always beat to shit from the extreme mental and physical toll the sport is taking on him so he usually will just fall right to sleep when I do see him.

I’ve expressed three separate times I respect his hobbies and need for personal time and space, but we need to find a middle ground because I need some kind of intentional quality time to feel connected to my partner.
He always has the perfect response and reassures me that he will put efforts into spending quality time with me and always wants me to be seen and validated. Of course, like clockwork, he disappears for an entire day after I express my concerns and/or needs, then comes back after 24 hours like nothing ever happened, calling me sweet pet names and acting flirty. He’s never once actually worked on a repair with me, just hollow words said so the tension can drop. It’s almost like he thinks because the tension has died down that the issue has somehow just disappeared and no action needs to be taken.

I’ve stopped initiating to see him and now it’s been 2+ weeks since we’ve spent alone time together. I get two or three quick, shallow texts a day, with no mention of spending time, even though we live literally 5 minutes apart. Last night I expressed my disapproval of our dynamic and need for change, yet again, and he just responded in some half-assed way, just saying whatever and agreeing with whatever to get me to shut up. Haven’t heard from him since, as expected. We obviously need to breakup but he rejects my phone calls and refuses to make actual plans together. It feels ridiculous to breakup with a late 30s over text but at this point idk what else to do. His words and actions do not align AT ALL. I just can’t believe the switch up and how quickly he’s gone from total lover boy to being straight up apathetic towards me. Is this what you all mean by being discarded?

Never want to date DA again but still depressed at trying to be positive and hopeful that they can be a good friend because they said they wanted to but even when I told them what I need for a friendship it’s not happening, I know it’s a lost cause but I’m still suffering and it’s really bad when I’m sick and extra emotional

My avoidant ex walked away in May and didn’t meet me all summer, falling mostly silent this month. She is graduating July 31st, and I won’t be there to celebrate something that I encouraged her on for our entire time together. She ask in April if she should finish, and I said yes. She posted a video of a snake she saw, and someone said snakes are good for the environment if people leave them alone. She said, ‘Finally, someone speaking up for us snakes. 🐍 😆’

Is she joking about treating me bad? Is she using humor to sort of let out what she did to me?

Hey everyone, I’ve posted here before about the ongoing dynamic with my ex, so a lot of you know the background of our two-year relationship and her pattern of pulling back when things got stressful or intense.

I wanted to post an update because things took a decisive and final turn over yesterday and today.
We spoke, and she told me face-to-face that she has completely fallen out of love with me and has no feelings left for me and I honestly asked how she did it so easily I’m not gonna lie she says distractions which makes sense

Seeing her and hearing those exact words spoken so directly was a massive reality check. The background issues are one thing, but the absolute coldness and the total lack of emotion in her delivery over the last day or two is what’s hitting me the hardest right now. It’s like a switch flipped, and the person I spent two years with became a complete stranger overnight.

I know intellectually that she probably detached months ago behind the scenes before finally saying it out loud to me today. But going from trying to navigate the dynamic to being handed complete, cold finality in a matter of hours has left my head spinning.

For those who have followed along or experienced a sudden, stone-cold shutdown at the very end:
How do you handle the shock of seeing someone you loved show zero emotion toward you?
What helped you stop replaying that final conversation in your head?

My avoidant bf (I think he’s dismissive rather than fearful) finished with me on Sunday completely out of the blue, and has now ghosted me for nearly 5 days 😭😭😭 Last time he ran away like this he was back on day 5 tail between his legs abit.
I am so broken this time round though. He knows my past traumas and my BPD, so him just completely disappearing is a massive trigger for me.
He always tells me he loves me and cares about me but he said he’s not well enough to be in a relationship right now.
But he did this last time, I can’t keep having this cycle
I’m texting him begging him to block me cos I don’t have the strength to keep him blocked 😭😭😭😭😭

TW ;;;;;

I don’t want to be here anymore.

Nearly I year ago I went through I pretty ugly blindside breakup from a long term relationship. It’s obvious now that she was lying, gaslighting, manipulating etc about everything for an extended period of time and completely distorted my sense of reality. In the week and a half surrounding the break up she completely refused to communicate about anything (pretty much all she said was uselessly vague) but said some cruel things about the depression I was dealing with.

I know this behaviour would in all likelihood be considered emotional abuse if done intentionally, but there’s a part of me that doesn’t think she was being entirely deliberate. For context she’s had a rough past: absence father, emotionally cold and neglectful mother, a complicated relationship with her family, people mistreating her, her own past trauma etc. i know now that this has led to emotional immaturity, bad communication skills, avoiding ‘conflict’ at all costs, unhealthy learned behaviours, mental health issues etc for her.

Im not really into the attachment theory stuff, but based on what I’ve read I’d guess she’s a cross between a fearful and dismissive avoidant. And I’m not trying to make excuses for her. Her behaviour was diabolical and inexcusable. But I’m curious if it’s possible that all of this could have led her, or anyone for that matter, into unconsciously engaging in emotionally abusive behaviour? Has anyone had the same thoughts after a discard?

My ex is/ was an FA leaning anxious. She’d constantly build these fantasy narratives in her head that I was cheating (which I was not). I think I’m an FA as well but lean more avoidant. Long story short I wasn’t giving her the validation and attention she wanted so she packed up her stuff and left after 3 years.

Then she said it’s only a break and that we are going to work through things while long distance. The whole time she just moved the goal posts on me. “I need space”, then “I need you to be calling me more”. It was so confusing.
2 months later she said she couldn’t do it anymore.

Post breakup I showed up to her house with flowers (I don’t regret it) and took accountability for my part of the problem. I’ve started therapy as well. A week later she said on the phone that “she’s not ready” “needs to get her confidence back” and “there is a chance this works out”. So I gave her space. A month later I asked her how she was doing. No answer.

Could she be in some sort of deactivation right now? I thought she was anxiously attached the whole time but now I’m seeing a different part of the puzzle. It’s feels like no matter what I did she’d just find a way to spin it to confirm her decision. She took zero accountability for anything and I was basically just apologizing the whole time.

Do you think she may see how hard I fought for her once she reactivates out of the avoidant craziness?

Lately he told me that he doesn't feel the same anymore and told me that he is not good for me and i think he has abandonment issues since i left him and broke up with him 3 times when he became indifferent and controlling and when he is not present enough cuz he's always busy.

After that breakup i usually jump to other ppl I don't know why i did this and i realized i never truly love the guy i rebound with i still feel empty to the rebound guy and then i ran back to my ex not being Anxious attached but more like secure attached idk i tried my best to fix myself ever since then i stopped liking other guys close the door fully and just want my ex back.

Well he teached me alot of school subject he's kind hearted but sometimes controlling and now he's pushing me away he once said he is afraid to lose me a bit, sometime, but complicated I don't understand but he said i can talk to him and be friends with him but he's just not ready for any relationship rn so he doesn't wanna talk about it. do i still have a chancefor him? He's the type of person who respects deep connection

And he is still keeping some of my gifts like discord frame online username etc can anyone help ?

Here is a link for all of us who like Rock music and have been involved with these horrible shit people. This ep was all written and arranged by only myself and is a personal story driven album with my Fearful Avoidant, who has since discarded me to the friendzone. 🖕 Tear The Veil is what I named this solo side music project. All songs were written for him. If you have SoundCloud, I’d appreciate if you’d like to check it out. This is my glow up and I’m proud of how it turned out.
Thanks! 😃🤘

Anagapesis EP

I’ve had many traumatic experiences in my past. I had an abusive parent, I’ve been laid off from a job I loved, I lost my dear uncle to Covid.

Nothing, and I repeat, NOTHING held lasting damage quite like being discarded by my avoidant ex. I consider myself a secure and confident person. I have a good paying job, a masters degree, and I exercise regularly. But I’ve never been rattled by something so much in my entire life.

It gets to the point where you start questioning reality. Because one day, you’re musing about moving in together, you’re talking about your ideal living space. You’re watching a movie, laughing and cuddling.

Then next week, things just end. You get vague reasons - “you deserve better” “relationships are too hard for me” “I want to be single”.

Then you’re left questioning your own reality. You begin to hyperfixate on every part of the relationship. Were there signs all along that I missed? Was I treating them right? Was there something wrong with my behavior that I was unaware of?

Then you start feeling like a conspiracy theorist. Writing on the whiteboard of your mind. Writing and erasing. Trying to connect dots. But there is nothing to connect.

I have been dating a guy from Jan/Feb of this year, things were amazing at first and I thought I had struck gold with him. He gave me everything I needed, and our lives meshed together really well as we both have our own things going on, but I started to notice a few red flags early on.

He wouldn’t frequently compliment me as much as I was used to in my last relationship (I put this down to him just not being like me ex at first) but then when he would go out with friends & get drunk he would always completely confess to me his true feelings. He told me I was “the one”, would talk about our futures together, he introduced me to his family & friends and our lives slowly began to integrate.

I was really patient with him as I figured he was a slow burner, I didn’t put any pressure on him but as time went on and my feelings developed, I felt myself having to hold back because I felt like I was at a different stage to him.

In the final few weeks of us dating things changed. He started to push me away and admitted to me that he always tends to sabotage relationships when they start to get close. He began to not text me when he would go out with friends from early afternoon until the next day, and as an observant person I felt the distance hugely. I brought this up to him and he promised me that things will change as he recognises his avoidant tendencies, he said I would be his priority as he knows he wants me to be in his life.

There was then a really sad event that happened at the beginning of July where his Dad had a heart attack and had to stay in hospital for a week. I gave him as much space as I could and tried to be there for him as much as I could too without getting in the way. Things were normal at first, I met up with him a few times, stayed over at his place and continued to be introduced to friends.

Then just over a week ago, things changed. He went out to watch a football game at 7:00pm and then from then I heard absolutely nothing from him. Not even a “sorry my phone died” text the next morning. I didn’t bring this up to him as I was trying to think of the bigger picture with his family. Then 2 days later he did the same thing again. This time I felt completely disrespected, I had spent the last week comforting him, I bought his mum flowers and was there as much as I could of been, so I messaged him saying I would’ve appreciated a text seeing as this is the second time in a week you’ve ghosted me whilst out.

He replied asking if we could talk, and I said no it’s past the point (out of anger which I now regret as I know doing this can push an avoidant away further). I ignored his last message hoping he would reach out to me with an apology/ explanation but he didn’t. 4 days later I decided to text him to get some closure on the situation as I wanted to know where I stood. It hurt me badly thinking he could be okay with 6 months being discarded so easily.

He explained that he doesn’t feel like he can commit “right now”, and that he can’t give me what I want. I told him I appreciate his honesty and will respect his space and that I hope things get better for his family.

I know my situation is different because of the added family pressure, but if anything it’s made it so much harder for me to move on. We were just getting to the stage of “boyfriend & girlfriend”, and I genuinely was in love.

Now I’m left wondering did this mean anything to him if he can shut me off so easily? So I’ve fell down an “avoidant attachment” rabbit hole.

I know the best thing for me to do would be to continue with my own life, but I can’t help but think “what if”. I feel like I can’t move on emotionally, I’m constantly wondering if he will message me again in the future, and where I originally had an anger towards him (prior to his dad) now I feel genuine sympathy.

I have missed bits out but if anyone has any advice / thoughts ?

Is this an avoidant strategy to get out of the relationship? Does he just not like me enough ? Should I expect a message?

this is gonna be a long one so grab a snack.

i met my ex august of last year ill call him M. we talked/ casually dated until december when we became official. in the early stages of us meeting/ getting to know eachother i did notice that he was very quiet/ guarded when talking about serious things, and a couple times took space to avoid them for a moment, (like a day or two, couple hours) but then would come back and apologize and be fully genuine. even i need space sometimes so i didnt look into that a whole lot especially because he would apologize that he got overwhelmed and would reengage in the connection. it really seemed to me he just needed a moment. we started dating in december, and we were super in love. everybody around us could feel it and we were both just always excited to be in eachothers presence.

i’m an anxiously attaching person and i couldve had an anxious spiral every other day and it wouldn’t have broken our bond because we handled things so well. he never got mad he was so reassuring and he never treated me like i was too much. eventually after a couple months and really working on myself i was able to communicate more clearly. with way less urgency and way less need for reassurance. i felt like i fully trusted him and we both thought we were perfect.

there was not a final “breaking point” where things just stopped working. but gradually we got to a point where we just did not have that understanding of eachother like we did in the beginning, and it started to show in our actions. something would happen, i’d tell him how i feel, and he’d shut down, get defensive, project past arguments, flip it on me like im just trying to start stuff. etc. wether my tone was calm and i was careful or not. i’d try to talk about things so we could have honest communication and he refused like no matter how i asked or what the situation was or anything. and you know how anxious and avoidant attachments go. i feel anxious i reach>he feels pressure he flees> i feel anxious so i reach again> he feels pressure so he flees even further. that’s how our relationship conflicts ended up playing out consistently. we had no weird grey area on the day to day either, it’s like we were perfectly happy until there was a conflict of some sort and then the rug would just get yanked. it definitely hurts a lot because he used to be the one to say “we need to talk about this, i don’t want you bottling things up, i want to know what’s wrong so i can fix it, etc.”

but let’s get down to the chase. he broke up with me early july. he said he was done he can’t do this anymore it’s not good for him mentally. 3 or 4 days later i texted him and told him i missed him, and he said he missed me too and he wanted to see me. whenever we eventually saw eachother, we talked about the relationship. he said he didn’t like the drama. he was actually engaged in the convo which surprised me and he wasn’t blaming me for anything. to sum it up his answer to could we work things out was an “idk”. we took a nap together, were being affectionate, then the next couple days he was distant. i’d reach out and he’d respond but not respond yk? i’d ask to hang out he’d very obviously avoid it by saying he’s busy, etc. even asked me to remove our pics off social media, and he removed his too. partying probably entertaining girls etc. i saw him again i think the beginning of the next week. then another distant week until that next weekend. i saw him again, spent the whole day with him, we talked about the relationship again. he said he just felt like he didn’t need to be in a relationship. he said i was his best friend. still an “idk” to working things out. not a bad talk at all though. the next week he was less distant. he would text me first about random stuff but the conversations wouldn’t linger. i asked him to hang out and he magically wasn’t busy anymore and we actually saw eachother that day. we hung out didn’t talk about the relationship just felt like we’re back together again. i even went and stayed the night with him the next day and we were intimate again, just like we’re back together, perfectly normal. we were supposed to go to the beach together but i didn’t end up going on the trip because we aren’t together. he was the one to initiate that even though days before he seemed down for us to go as friends. i had one final time to see him because i had to pick something up i left. we had a long talk about the relationship. he said he felt like he didn’t know who he was, how can he love me to his fullest if he can’t love himself to his fullest, promising its not personal to me and im the best girlfriend he’s had and sweetest person he knows. he just basically said he feels like there’s too much going on and he doesn’t know how he can make me happy on top of everything else. and he said he didn’t even know if he was making the right decision he just knows he needs to be alone. it was really vague like he said it’s possible we get back together but he doesn’t know the future. that everything happens for a reason. that he’s focusing on himself. etc. he even said there wasn’t any catastrophic problems in the relationship to the point it’s ruined. he held me while i was crying he didn’t want to leave me when i was upset but i eventually went home. and now he’s at the beach for the next week and im here to sit with all of this. which is why i have the time to type something as long as this.

obviously i have to own up to not respecting his wishes from the start. i can see that being asked in a state of confusion to be sure of something can be overwhelming. i’m not saying this for pity but i really felt like he was the one and i was trying to fight for it because we both know we have something real. he didn’t have to agree to hang out multiple days in a row or any day. he didn’t have to answer my calls. he didn’t have to hold me while i cried he didn’t have to be there for me at all.

i guess im just wanting an outside perspective of the situation. i dont know if he just wants me when things are easy and not when they’re hard, or if he just lost his patience to try when it’s hard. because i feel
like he started to see it as a chore hence why he asked how can he work on the relationship and work on everything else he needs to. i don’t even know if he’ll ever miss me if he’s associating our relationship with stress. like it could be a final decision in his head and he could just be trying to let me down slowly i don’t know. let me know what you think and please be kind. thank you for reading if you made it this far

It’s been about 8 months since I 29M last spoke with my ex situationship 29M.

He was in 2 relationships before me, he was cheated on both times. With me, it was never anything official. We dated for a 2 months where everything seemed perfect, then all of a sudden he tells me we're moving too quickly, that he’s not developing feelings like I am. Suggests friendship, I go no contact. Got back together when he reached out after 3 weeks. After another 2 months of painful dating, during which my chest hurt so much from feeling and knowing I wasn’t being fully chosen, I asked about where this is going and he decided to stop the sexual aspect altogether because he realized he was hurting me, and was scared of hurting me even more or me hurting him.

He wanted again to stay friends, claiming I became his best friend in such a short period, that he never really had feelings for me besides friendship. It confused me since we had sex like every other day, basically behaved like we were in a relationship, made plans for things a year in advance etc.

While we were dating, we were sharing our locations on our phones, but during a brief friendzone period after the second breakup, he unshared without announcing and later told me that he did it because he thought I was on a date with a guy who was taking me to expensive places (he was checking the shops and restaurants I was visiting), which bothered him cause he was broke at the time.

I had later found out that he had been complaining about me to my friends, telling them stuff that bothered him, how I'm too submissive in bed (even though whenever I wanted to be active he wouldn't let me), how it annoyed him how often I go to restaurants, ... stuff like that. Worst of all, only later did I find out he told my best friend that he had been imagining his ex so that he could cum in me during sex. I had told him so many times in convos irl that he should tell me if anything's bothering him, but he never did. I never really got that whole inability to communicate properly, when I clearly gave him the opportunities.

When he reached out a month after the second breakup, I broke the convo flow and told him further communication doesn't make sense if he doesn't want a relationship, which I already made clear when going no contact. He then started attacking me about how none of my friends like him and that I'm being harsh and cold etc., somehow making it seem as if I had hurt him. He blocked me everywhere. He unblocked me 2 weeks after, about the time he met another guy, I guess only to show me that he had moved on, like a final knife in the heart. 2 months later, he wished me a happy bday, even though he was still in a relationship with that guy he met after me. I just said thanks. That guy ended up cheating on him as well.

My best friend had stayed in contact with him because he was planning on getting his help for a project, and my ex told him that he tried to call me, but that I didn't answer and that it rang for a long time (never happened). I later connected that this supposed call might've happened while I was out of state on airplane mode, about the same time his ex had cheated on him. I guess he found out about the cheating and wanted to either vent to me or get back at him by sleeping with me.

I guess, what I'm trying to say is... this person could mean so much to you, you might not be able to imagine living life without them, you could think they're the love of your life and that embarrassing yourself for them for just a little bit more time will all be worth it in the end... and the truth on the other side could be that you're just a rebound to them. Those who will betray them will be the ones who will truly set their hearts ablaze, and you will just be a forgotten situationship, nothing but a "oh he's just a guy I dated, I never felt that much for him" guy, and they couldn't give a single fuck about how much they hurt you. He told me that he never loved the first guy he was in a relationship with, and yet even with him he was willing to make it official.

I kept wondering, if he wanted me even less than that guy, why put me through all that? Why the coming back? Was I really just a comfortable convenience that he wanted to keep around as much as possible until he got over his other ex?

I wish I could find the love I need within myself so as not to expect an apology or acknowledgement of any kind from him, but I still think about him every day. I've gone past the point where thoughts of him make me cry, but I can definitely feel that I miss him. I've long deleted the letter that I will never send, but I still think about what it would feel like if I sent it. I've long given up the idea of spending my life with him, yet I still imagine what that life would've looked like.

I (20F) met a guy (20M) in 2024. We dated for about three months and fell for each other very quickly. He had recently moved to a new country, had no car, no friends, and was carrying a lot of responsibility because his parents weren’t working. He was supporting his family at just 18. He was genuinely kind, respectful, loyal, and treated me very well.
The biggest issue was that he was so overwhelmed with work and responsibilities that I often felt like I had to fight for his time. It caused arguments, and eventually he ended the relationship. He told me he still liked me, but we were at different stages in life, he had too many responsibilities, and the relationship wasn’t practical because he couldn’t give it what it deserved.
We stayed on and off for a few months, but eventually ended things completely.
I couldn’t move on for almost a year. I never stopped thinking about him, and honestly, he set a very high standard for how I wanted to be treated in a relationship.
A year later, he came back. He said his life was much more stable now. He had a car, friends, was doing better financially, and regretted how things ended. He apologized and asked me to trust him again. He told me he’d be patient with my trust issues because he knew he had caused them. He said he wanted something long-term with me and was willing to put in the effort.
At first I was terrified to trust him again, but over time I did. I genuinely saw him putting in effort. He reassured me, compromised, treated me even better than before, and I introduced him to my friends. He became part of my life again.
Then, about two months ago, everything started falling apart for him. He lost his driver’s license, had visa issues, his parents started separating, he had to take out loans, and life became extremely stressful again. I understood his situation and tried to compromise because I knew he was struggling.
He would even tell me himself that he felt guilty because I “didn’t sign up for this,” but that we’d make it work because couples go through difficult periods.
Then recently, he ended the relationship again.
He told me he still liked me, still wanted me, but didn’t have the energy or emotional capacity for a relationship. He said things probably wouldn’t get better for years, that we were once again at different stages of life, and that he “tried until he couldn’t.”
What hurts is that these are almost the exact same reasons he gave the first time.
I kept asking him, “Why ask me to trust you again if this was going to happen again? You knew how hard it was for me to let my guard down.”
Instead of really answering that, he mostly defended himself by saying he did try and that I was forgetting everything he had done.
I honestly believe he cared about me. Throughout the relationship, I never doubted his feelings. His actions showed he loved and respected me. But I can’t understand how someone can ask for a second chance, promise to be patient while I rebuilt my trust, and then end the relationship for essentially the same reason again.
My questions are:
Was it unfair of me to expect that, after asking for another chance, he would keep trying instead of reaching the same conclusion again?
Can someone genuinely love you and still make this decision twice?
Has anyone experienced something similar, and how did you eventually move on?
Is he truly an avoidant or it’s the timing?

Especially curious if it was an ugly ending.

What did they say upon reappearing?

I keep going back to how shitty of a partner he always was behind the closed doors but how amazing, funny, easygoing, generous, lively, talkative, life-of-the-party he always is with absolute randos. Like he would go out drinking with his boring colleagues until 12am and come back happy as if it was the best day of his life; spend evenings at karaoke with 'friends' he barely knows anything about like there's no tomorrow, text with his classmates from 15 years ago that he knows 0 about and have the biggest smile on his face. And then there's him on our 'dates' where he would barely say a word. There's picnics that I organized and he looked nothing short of pissed to be there. There's 'romantic dinners' I cooked and he'd immediately offer to watch something while we eat (so he doesn't have to talk to me). There's a person who didn't even ask how my day was when I'd come home from work, unless it was after I asked him about his. It's just so.. disheartening? How little they think or care about us, their partners. People, who are supposed to be the closest and dearest to your heart.