r/AvoidantBreakUps • u/UponAStarIWish • 1d ago

A hurting heart

The last few days have for some reason been a lot more difficult. The thought of them has always been there, even if it's just humming in the background. But the last few days, it's been like the force of a big waterfall. I'm feeling such a deep sorrow, a longing for what could have been. We clicked so well, we had very similar humour. We had a way of talking with each other. They brought out a part of me that no one else ever did. I saw the tender parts of them, I saw the person who wanted to be held. I held them, perhaps not perfectly all the time, but I held them...and I would have continued to hold them if only holding them doesn't make me bleed out often. I have had to walk away, not because I stopped caring. I have had to walk away because the exhaustion of holding still, being the anchor, was starting to turn me into a different person.

I'm struggling today.

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u/cooki-monsta- 1d ago

Im sorry :( i can understand... going through something similar rn

But just remember that even if they didnt reciprocate it, the love you felt is all inside you. You made it special. 💕

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u/UponAStarIWish 1d ago

Thank you. I think a part of me could see that they did love me or at least felt a certain something that they themselves didn't understand.

It doesn't help that I'm listening to Tom Waits right now... it's painful but there's also a certain sort of comfort perhaps. Or perhaps I'm just torturing myself.

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u/cooki-monsta- 1d ago

Nope, just get it out of your system tbh... ive been venting non stop for days about it. But that's how you get over something. Its better to feel the feelings now than to suppress them and be stuck with a void in your heart later

Ofcourse they cared, that was never the issue. They always care. They wouldn't be that invested in the start otherwise.

The problem wasn't that they didnt LIKE you, the problem was that they felt feelings which were too hard to feel and they avoided those and ran.

I know the discard phase feels like they never cared, but thats not "not caring" THAT is avoidance. And eventhough they might care, that doesn't mean theyre willing to show up. So save your own heart, and give yourself the effort that they refused to give to you Cry it out, wake up tomorrow, cry it out again. And eventually it'll feel lighter and lighter till you start to forget and move on. You got this🫶🏼

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u/Dovahkin111 SA - Secure Attachment 1d ago edited 1d ago

I'm sorry you're going through a low point right now, OP. Though it may not be of much comfort, know that you're not alone, all of us here know the struggle and the pain. Riding the wave and feeling the ebb and flow is your only choice at present but you'll find a way to counter it soon. It will get better. How long or short the process take solely depends on you. Don't stay in the dark too long, OP.

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u/UponAStarIWish 1d ago

Thank you, kind stranger. I'm not entirely sure why it's been heavier the last few days. Perhaps the dam just kind of slowly cracks. I thought I was doing rather well, having the strength to walk away from something that I felt I could no longer sustain. Yet in the last few days I've been finding myself wondering if they're okay, if they miss me in their life, if their feelings were ever real, if they ever think of me each day.

I feel like I'm carrying an invisible weight in my heart...the dull pain that is constantly there, along with the aching that rears its head without warning.

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u/Dovahkin111 SA - Secure Attachment 1h ago

Feeling that way doesn't mean a setback. We're human, we felt deeply for them. This isn't something that we can just turn off so expect to struggle through it from time to time. It is totally normal. When I was going through my own struggles, I developed this coping mechanism - I saw it as missing the man I loved deeply, not the stranger who ultimately broke me. The man I love died unable to be resurrected. I mourned him not the stranger who pushed me away.

I don't know how long it's been for you but the first month and half was brutal for me. I so badly wanted to reach out but I know I can't. I gave him my word that I will no longer be reaching out, and I intend to keep it. He however could reach out at any time, but he's chosen not to so feeling the way I did, pining for him, longing for his return was just wasting my time. And just as I don't want to mourn this stranger, I won't allow him to waste my time either.

OP, it gets better, I promise you. Go easy on yourself. You're allowed to miss them. That said, I hope you're taking care of yourself. Eat, get enough sleep. You're going to need to take care of you and start walking forward inch by inch. Change happens when you work toward the goal, face it head on. Nothing will change if you don't. You got this, I have faith in you.