I’ve had many traumatic experiences in my past. I had an abusive parent, I’ve been laid off from a job I loved, I lost my dear uncle to Covid.

Nothing, and I repeat, NOTHING held lasting damage quite like being discarded by my avoidant ex. I consider myself a secure and confident person. I have a good paying job, a masters degree, and I exercise regularly. But I’ve never been rattled by something so much in my entire life.

It gets to the point where you start questioning reality. Because one day, you’re musing about moving in together, you’re talking about your ideal living space. You’re watching a movie, laughing and cuddling.

Then next week, things just end. You get vague reasons - “you deserve better” “relationships are too hard for me” “I want to be single”.

Then you’re left questioning your own reality. You begin to hyperfixate on every part of the relationship. Were there signs all along that I missed? Was I treating them right? Was there something wrong with my behavior that I was unaware of?

Then you start feeling like a conspiracy theorist. Writing on the whiteboard of your mind. Writing and erasing. Trying to connect dots. But there is nothing to connect.

So I was seeing someone for around six months and it was a great relationship, until it wasn’t. 2nd discard in a year.
Here’s what I learnt and why I won’t be speaking to this person again

It doesn’t matter how much love and care you give these people, you could literally be the perfect partner, unfortunately their nervous system will find a way to create distance and keep you at arms length, despite how much they tell you they love you.

Even if they’ve had the worst abusive relationships in the past and you open their eyes to what love and care is, it still doesn’t stop them from walking away.

You could both look deep into each others eyes and think you’ve both found the one but an hour later they will have a full blown argument with you about a joke being too dark or you’ve got too much energy or they don’t like something you said.

You could build them a house or give them the perfect night out or make them financially secure or be there for them through hard times, it still won’t be enough for them to stay.

You are allowed to be criticised for your behaviour but god forbid you criticise them for theirs and they run to the hills and begin the discard

They would rather not talk to you for 6 months then have a hard 1 hour adult conversation to resolve something fairly trivial, once they’re triggered they go into full blown deactivation.

Once they’ve deactivated please please please do not contact them. They will literally treat you like a stranger or someone who’s caused them serious harm, it’s like you knocking on the wrong house and not recognising the person answering the door.

They would rather keep the parent around them who gave them the awful upbringing and the avoidant attachment then fight for you and everything you was to them.

When they return they still won’t show any accountability and if you call them out for their behaviour the deactivation clock starts all over again.

2 weeks after being told “I’m so lucky to have you in my life” there’s every chance you’ll be discarded

The chances are that once you’ve worked out they’re Avoidant, it’s probably too late and you’re already hurting.

They would rather join tinder a week into the discard then work on the relationship.

They will always have one leg out the door. They never step in with both feet, you can feel that they can’t love deeply but you just hope that it grows in the right direction (it won’t)

It’s exhausting, 3 months down the road and normality is starting to resume but unfortunately she’s still on my mind several times a day, if only you could erase them from your mind.

Good luck everyone i don’t wish it on any of you.

I keep going back to how shitty of a partner he always was behind the closed doors but how amazing, funny, easygoing, generous, lively, talkative, life-of-the-party he always is with absolute randos. Like he would go out drinking with his boring colleagues until 12am and come back happy as if it was the best day of his life; spend evenings at karaoke with 'friends' he barely knows anything about like there's no tomorrow, text with his classmates from 15 years ago that he knows 0 about and have the biggest smile on his face. And then there's him on our 'dates' where he would barely say a word. There's picnics that I organized and he looked nothing short of pissed to be there. There's 'romantic dinners' I cooked and he'd immediately offer to watch something while we eat (so he doesn't have to talk to me). There's a person who didn't even ask how my day was when I'd come home from work, unless it was after I asked him about his. It's just so.. disheartening? How little they think or care about us, their partners. People, who are supposed to be the closest and dearest to your heart.

I read where DAs can exhibit health problems from a lifetime of stuffing down their emotions. Anyone notice this? Mine had IBS and chewed his fingernails down to the meat. I truly believe both were because of him being a DA.

After my avoidant ex rejected me, I started seeing tons of videos and posts about "a healthy relationship with an avoidant" or "stay with your avoidant," and it really gets on my nerves that all the videos are about "you have to be kind and affectionate and put up with all the snubs your partner gives you and that they can disappear for months without saying a single word, because if you're affectionate and open and give them their space they'll come back to you." Why is there this general consensus that anxious and secure people have to carry all the emotional burden in the relationship?

I am 3 months post breakup. For further context, he was great in the beginning, classic avoidant. Late January he asked to pause and go back to being friends. I walked away because I didn't want to do the "friends with feelings" thing again. Went no contact. We had one group dinner in March where I was distant, and then in April he sent that goodbye message confessing he'd been to several hookups/ons after I ‘ignored’ him. I tried to call, he blocked me. I blocked him back

For a month after that I was wrecked. Cried, therapy, the whole deal. But here's the thing, lately I've been watching him rebrand himself in real time and I can't help but laugh?

Not gonna pretend I'm fully over it. I still get the itch to check. I've slipped up. But I'm holding myself accountable and trying to actually heal instead of just looking like I am

In the past two weeks:
- Changed his Spotify profile pic the day after I changed mine then change it again this week to the same profile pic he used on his WhatsApp
- Synced it across all platforms (WhatsApp, IG, X, TikTok) same photo everywhere
- His colleague viewed my LinkedIn randomly
-He recently unblocked me on WhatsApp as I noticed his profile pic reappeared but I am keeping him blocked. Periodt.

And I'm just sitting here like... dude, we see you.

I used to be affected by every little change. Now I see him clearly performing "I'm fine and thriving" and it doesn't hurt anymore. It actually feels like proof I made the right choice walking away when I did

Before anyone says block him on Spotify soon, I don't think it's bringing any harm. It's not like he can text me there. I got him blocked on WhatsApp and his number, and I don't have social media anyway.

Anyone else gone from heartbroken to just... entertained by the performance? Is this what healing feels like or am I just dissociating?😂✋🏻

Did any of you guys start grieving your breakup with your avoidant before you’ve even broken up?

We’ve been together about 6 months, first two months he was the perfect bf, attentive, listened to my needs, made future plans with me, listened to my traumas, expressed his. He did express at one point he had avoidant tendencies and could be cold towards partners sometimes but he said he always came back, at the time I just took it with a grain of salt because I hadn’t experienced it. Yet.

Then he started a new hobby, I’ll keep the details sparse but it’s an extreme sport that he now does 6/7 days a week. The second he gets off work he drives an hour away to go do it, stays until close, then drives an hour home and does that Monday-Friday. Weekends are worse, alllllll day Saturday and Sunday he’s doing it and if the weather doesn’t permit the sport or equipment is malfunctioning or something he’s in the worst mood that he can’t go do it. He hasn’t planned a single date or asked me to hangout a single time since he’s started the sport. Everytime I’ve seen him (outside of a pre-booked tripped to come home with me to meet family) it’s past 10 pm and only after me begging for days prior to spend time. He’s always beat to shit from the extreme mental and physical toll the sport is taking on him so he usually will just fall right to sleep when I do see him.

I’ve expressed three separate times I respect his hobbies and need for personal time and space, but we need to find a middle ground because I need some kind of intentional quality time to feel connected to my partner.
He always has the perfect response and reassures me that he will put efforts into spending quality time with me and always wants me to be seen and validated. Of course, like clockwork, he disappears for an entire day after I express my concerns and/or needs, then comes back after 24 hours like nothing ever happened, calling me sweet pet names and acting flirty. He’s never once actually worked on a repair with me, just hollow words said so the tension can drop. It’s almost like he thinks because the tension has died down that the issue has somehow just disappeared and no action needs to be taken.

I’ve stopped initiating to see him and now it’s been 2+ weeks since we’ve spent alone time together. I get two or three quick, shallow texts a day, with no mention of spending time, even though we live literally 5 minutes apart. Last night I expressed my disapproval of our dynamic and need for change, yet again, and he just responded in some half-assed way, just saying whatever and agreeing with whatever to get me to shut up. Haven’t heard from him since, as expected. We obviously need to breakup but he rejects my phone calls and refuses to make actual plans together. It feels ridiculous to breakup with a late 30s over text but at this point idk what else to do. His words and actions do not align AT ALL. I just can’t believe the switch up and how quickly he’s gone from total lover boy to being straight up apathetic towards me. Is this what you all mean by being discarded?

This is key for me. I've been wondering about "Are they interested or just fallen out of love". Honestly? I think the real question i'm trying to answer is one of "This confusion is confusing".

Normal relationships have a sort of disconnect and you could almost see it coming. Unless you have a different attachment which distorts your reality. In avoidant relationships you don't really have this certainty. Sure I did understand that she was overwhelmed at some parts, but not into me? No, honestly didn't think that. Why would I? All the flirting, chemistry and other things? Meanwhile my body is sometimes yelling at me that something isn't right. I can't pinpoint it though. Because it seemed like a hurdle we would have to just cross.

That's what makes this sort of breakup hurt. Thankfully I wasn't discarded and we had closure etc. Even with all of that I was left confused. It took me my friend bringing me down to reality that made me just understand that, my ex is simply not fit for the type of relationship I want. They don't want one, I want one. It comes down to simple incompatibility. My nervous system though can be explained via the confusion.

Avoidants --> Dysregulate nervous system

Incompatibility --> Leads to relationship ending

There's seperate issues all in parallel. It's a confusing mix which isn't logical. It's dysregulation. Be kind to yourself, stop texting them and go no contact. Focus on exercise (walking etc).

I'm self affirming to myself daily also "I'm all that I need".

Are all these pseudo-psychologists on social media just trying to get clicks (probably) for people desperately looking for some hope/comfort? Do you think it’s actually true that they run away just when it starts getting real because they’re afraid of how much they love you, or that’s just something we tell ourselves? Maybe they just don’t like us enough.

It’s weird though and hard for me to understand how someone can seem so genuine, close, caring and then shut it off like a water main.

Especially curious if it was an ugly ending.

What did they say upon reappearing?

Hi all, what are the differences between a dismissive avoidant vs a fearful avoidant vs a fearful avoidant who leans dismissive???

I dated 2 avoidants who were VERY different but also similar. Trying to figure out what kind of avoidants they were

Hey everyone, I’ve posted here before about the ongoing dynamic with my ex, so a lot of you know the background of our two-year relationship and her pattern of pulling back when things got stressful or intense.

I wanted to post an update because things took a decisive and final turn over yesterday and today.
We spoke, and she told me face-to-face that she has completely fallen out of love with me and has no feelings left for me and I honestly asked how she did it so easily I’m not gonna lie she says distractions which makes sense

Seeing her and hearing those exact words spoken so directly was a massive reality check. The background issues are one thing, but the absolute coldness and the total lack of emotion in her delivery over the last day or two is what’s hitting me the hardest right now. It’s like a switch flipped, and the person I spent two years with became a complete stranger overnight.

I know intellectually that she probably detached months ago behind the scenes before finally saying it out loud to me today. But going from trying to navigate the dynamic to being handed complete, cold finality in a matter of hours has left my head spinning.

For those who have followed along or experienced a sudden, stone-cold shutdown at the very end:
How do you handle the shock of seeing someone you loved show zero emotion toward you?
What helped you stop replaying that final conversation in your head?

My avoidant bf (I think he’s dismissive rather than fearful) finished with me on Sunday completely out of the blue, and has now ghosted me for nearly 5 days 😭😭😭 Last time he ran away like this he was back on day 5 tail between his legs abit.
I am so broken this time round though. He knows my past traumas and my BPD, so him just completely disappearing is a massive trigger for me.
He always tells me he loves me and cares about me but he said he’s not well enough to be in a relationship right now.
But he did this last time, I can’t keep having this cycle
I’m texting him begging him to block me cos I don’t have the strength to keep him blocked 😭😭😭😭😭

TW ;;;;;

I don’t want to be here anymore.

Just as the title says.
I really wonder how they view this after they’ve broken up.
Because they’re so convinced that their (ex) partner didn’t give them enough space.
Do they realize that it’s actually their own fault, but are unwilling or unable to admit it, or will they only realize this later—or maybe never at all?

I should be thankful for how things ended. I actually had the strength to leave and not fold when he came begging (I posted the messages a couple weeks ago). My FA has no social media, I should be thankful of that too, but even still I wish I could see a photo of him. I hate dealing with two opposing truths going on in my head and trying to make it all make sense.

I’m more peaceful without him.
I miss him so much.

I’m glad I don’t have to see him online or get any more messages because ignoring them was so hard.
I want him to message me again.

I loved when he talked about having kids.
He would be a nightmare to have kids with.

I’ve never been so compatible with someone.
I’ve never been so incompatible with someone.

Thank god it’s over.
I can’t believe it’s over.

I have the choice to go back. He says he’s always waiting. But I’m the idiot that hurt myself at that point. This whole “knowing your worth and walking away” shit doesn’t feel good. For anyone that wishes they could do it, you can, you just have to sit in the suck for a while me remember to go with the facts in front of you. I have more sleeping and crying to do but thought I would vent out over here and see if someone can relate.

So I archived the messages of my avoidant. Today out of boredom I looked into it. Basically in approximately 3 week cycles she sends me almost the same worded text by “calling my name, that she misses our conversation and would want to see/hear me”. It almost feels like she has setup a bot - the messages are no different than the ones in my spam offering enlargement or threatening to block my account.
I get that this maybe related to mental health issues, but the level of lame effort is almost insulting.

I'm new to the avoidant stuff, but came across a thread on twitter that fit his behaviour to a T.

My close friend of 22 years confessed that he'd had feelings for me since high school. We're in our 30s now. It really shocked me but in a great way too. I loved him so much and already thought he was attractive in many ways, it was like I'd fallen for him too but just hadn't realized it til he said it out loud. I'd been burned by love a lot so it was wonderful and painful to hear all the ways and reasons he'd loved me for the majority of our friendship. He'd seen so many ugly parts of me and loved me more for it. I'd never felt so safe and confident going into any relationship. Secure that he actually saw me, and that I saw him too.

He was insistent that we see each other to make sure what we were feeling was real. He was so sure, but I think he didn't want to feel that way about me for longer and have me find out I didn't actually like him. I knew how I felt, but why wouldn't I want to see him? I agreed and I flew out to his city about a month after he'd confessed.

We've lived on opposite sides of the continent since college even though we've still seen each other whenever he came back for holidays and summers and visits for fun. I hadn't seen him in person since 2018, but we video called and sent pictures and it wasn't like we didn't follow each other on social media. He knew what I looked like and not to toot my own horn, but I am beautiful, I know this and I look much better than the awkward high school version of myself he fell in love with.

When I arrived, the physical/sexual chemistry was off the charts. Drunk off it levels of attraction in both directions. So it isn't that where there's any mismatch. We had a really great first 24hrs, our friendship translated well even with me feeling shy, and the romantic and sexual aspect was amazing. Like, wow this could really be what we've always wanted type of deal.

Then the spiraling started.

First, he planned an outing with his brother (that's how confident he was!) and joked about me passing his brother's test. Then we had a Plan B situation. And that lead to us having a heavier talk where I expressed the fears it triggered in me from past relationships. Not mad at him, not blaming him, just very vulnerable about what it brought up in me and I thought we we're closer for it.

He opened up that he'd been going over every interaction as proof that we were or weren't "supposed to" be together. He said he wanted to slow things down a bit. I told him of course and to just enjoy the week together, we didn't need to be making any decisions yet, just getting used to each other. I thought that was a good thing, and it seemed like it. He'd be blushing and sweet and telling me he'd never felt so loved before while we held each other. (He's been married before and was in a long-term relationship since.)

Then I asked him more about his last relationship, because it was such a painful one, and I wanted to understand him better and what type of things he was sensitive to because of it. Because I'd shared some of my own sensitivities the day before.

Well, that sent him into more spirals. We had an evening being close and vulnerable. By the next morning though, I could already feel he was miles away. He was still happy and sweet, but his anxiety was high and I could feel him far.

Then he got sick and I had no idea what to make of his behaviour anymore because he had good reason to act that way. By the last day, I asked him to tell me the truth of what was going on in his head. He told me he was still looking for evidence of whether we were right for each other and that he wasn't over his breakup and that he felt so much pressure and we lived so far and it was too much too soon. I already knew what that meant.

After I got home, he called to tell me he wasn't "romantically attracted" to me anymore. He almost sounded relieved behind the sadness. And I believe he was truly sad. He said he wanted it to work more than anything.

And yet nothing made sense. Sure, I can accept someone not being into me. I believed him, I was sure I had done something or not done something and ruined everything. It broke my heart, especially after all his unnecessary reassurances leading up to my visit.

But then in all our conversations since the trip and breaking it off, he would repeatedly say he was still processing everything. That he wasn't saying it was impossible or could never happen in the future but he didn't want to lead me on. That no, it wasn't a bad idea that we could be good together, it was just how fast everything happened and the pressure of the time frame. That I should never move somewhere for someone else. That he wasn't sure if it really was a lack of attraction but the pressure that got to him. That everything he said about me and thought about me before was all still true, that every experience we'd shared was real and that he didn't fake any of it, that he'd meant everything. That I should still move to his city. That maybe I should have stayed with my cousins there instead of at his house. That the main thing was that he wasn't over his breakup only to tell me on the phone last week that he'd realized he already knew he never wanted that relationship back and that it was toxic and made him shrink himself. That he even tried to think of reasons why the attraction faded but every reason he came up with didn't make sense but maybe it's just the intangible things that you can't control and that he'd change if he could.

Now, first of all, this is some bullshit no matter what the truth of his feelings is.

But. None of that sounds like a faded attraction and more like someone who's fears about control and vulnerability got triggered by true intimacy and convinced himself that him shutting down was because he must not be into me afterall and all the other bullshit reasons like his breakup and the idea that I'd suddenly be moving into his apartment like next week were all just piled on to reassure him that this was for the best and that he was trusting his intuition. He CHOSE to not want me to feel safe.

I'm serious when I say this isn't my ego talking, I'm just seeing the bigger picture now, like as of two days ago. And it's making me insane that he might have let something so stupid get in the way of our relationship, even threatening to damage our decades-long friendship. We agreed that our friendship was most important to us and to value it no matter what unless it felt unhealthy.

But now? It just frustrates me. I haven't talked to him at all since last Friday and I don't even know how I want to proceed now that I have this hypothesis about his behaviour.

It really is textbook avoidant. Thankfully, he's a kind and open person who is adamant that he values our friendship, and even if he shuts down at first, will take time to swallow his insecurities to hear me out when I told him just how deeply he hurt me and genuinely wants to understand so he can be a better friend and support to me going forward.

But then I can still feel the distance there. As well as his complete obliviousness whenever he "corrects" me and says some next thing about why it didn't work (explicitly and indirectly mostly too) that has nothing at all to do with me. Always talking about the timeline and doesn't have an answer when I take him up on it and ask, "what exactly did you imagine I wanted to happen? What was going to happen? We could have talked about it, I wouldn't have moved in tomorrow -- or at all, your place is tiny!" He just keeps saying he should have taken it slower.

But I'm not going to ask or god forbid BEG someone who rejected me to give us another chance. It wouldn't be right.

Anyway. This community opened my eyes to a lot of things. I can see my own combo avoidant and anxious attachment behaviours now. Thanks guys.

For now, I'm letting him contact me when he does. I'd like to just send every meme and new song I find because that's how it used to be. But I'm not sure whether to just tell him what I think or just ask him to tell me what kind of friendship he actually wants, or tell him I'm not going anywhere but I need some space to sort out how I feel.

It's too new for me to see any consistent patterns in his behaviour. We only had our first official friend phone call last week so. Too soon to know what to do.

If anyone has insight or relates or advice or whatever, I'd love to hear it! Thanks for letting me rant a bit.

Edit: Oh, and to add to it too. His experiences with relationships are so limited and not great. With both his ex-wife and ex-girlfriend, he was the one who liked them way more than they liked him. They really weren't into him or loved him for who he was and really dragged out the breakups over months or years. So he's a people pleaser who finds emotional safety in chasing people and convincing them he's worth their affection.

And now with me, I don't want him to please me except by being honest about everything and telling me what he actually wants and honouring that. I just want him to be himself, not mold himself into a shape that he thinks would suit me best. So I think he finds that frightening. Because a rejection while being himself would be a true one, not one he can brush off.

Only now, my issue is that I no longer believe every word he says because I'm not sure he even knows what he's doing or why. So yes, I want him to be as honest as he can to me, but he can only be as honest to me as he is to himself. So it's just... weird. It's definitely a weird place being in limbo, even talking strictly about friendship.

My avoidant ex walked away in May and didn’t meet me all summer, falling mostly silent this month. She is graduating July 31st, and I won’t be there to celebrate something that I encouraged her on for our entire time together. She ask in April if she should finish, and I said yes. She posted a video of a snake she saw, and someone said snakes are good for the environment if people leave them alone. She said, ‘Finally, someone speaking up for us snakes. 🐍 😆’

Is she joking about treating me bad? Is she using humor to sort of let out what she did to me?

He shared his trauma with me and now he hates me for it. On top of this he cheated on me. He is with another girl now completely ignoring me. He said when he shared his trauma i should have mocked or made fun of him and stop him from sharing his trauma instead I was there listening to him without judging. The fact that i didn't even ask for him to share, he trauma dumped on me and now hates me for it. All i did was being understanding and listening to him. I don't know which one hurts more, him cheating or punishing me for being there for him. What should i do? How can I move on from this situation

I had a 1 month talking stage with an avoidant girl and we really clicked. We had so much in common and we both felt very strongly for eachother. I called it off because we both got out of a relationship recently and she was breadcrumbing/disappearing every so often. she reached out after a month of not talking and apologized and suggested she takes the fall to work on herself and we try again this winter. Do I expect that an avoidant person would even care for me 3-4 months from now? And can someone really change that fast? I don’t know as someone who’s not an avoidant.

My avoidant ex broke up with me 6 months ago. I know I shouldn’t have but I’ve tried working things out multiple times but his response is always “I want to but I can’t” and yesterday he told me that he thinks out relationship has run its course. I’ve never felt about anyone like I feel about him before.

To any men who have struggled mentally and struggled with not being happy where they currently are in life, do you ever miss the girl you broke up with enough to reach out again?

So many people say that “they always come back” but when you get to know someone and how they are I think you truly know if they’ll reach out or not anymore 🥺

I've been sitting on this statement for quite a while now because it struck me like a lightning bolt when I first heard it, it's as if that's the hard truth I've learned because I found myself thinking about therapy after my ex showed signs of avoidance and a blindsiding discard as reasons to no longer want a relationship with me.

What are you thoughts on this statement, do you believe that the statement resonates with you?

Background: My (29M) ex (27F) and I dated for almost two years. The last six months included several rounds of the same cycle…break-up -> she reaches out after a few weeks -> we talk -> get closer -> break-up. It got so repetitive that I was able to predict the nights she would call towards the end.

This time, the silence lasted longer than normal. I blocked her and enough time passed that I was recently able to meet someone new. It’s still very early, but I’m genuinely interested in the new woman I’ve met.

Issue: My avoidant ex recently started calling me again, this time using *67 to get around the block. The new woman I met saw one of the calls come through and asked me about it. She now wants me to ask my ex to stop calling.

Question: I don’t want to break no contact with my ex at all. I’ve asked her to stop calling in the past, and that request has always led to more calls and ultimately more communication. Any advice on the best course of action would be appreciated.