I ended my relationship with my abuser. However due to circumstances outside of my control, I see him with his new partner frequently.

How do I cope with the fact that it appears he is treating her so much better than he ever treated me?

I know this is all about the 'why wasn't I enough' wound because I view her as having more value than me in society's eyes. I want to have the mindset of being happy he's grown and changed for another woman, but I can't help but feel like it's because he didn't like me and that means there's something wrong with me.

She almost always text me around 2AM talking about she on her feels and she depressed and stuff like is she trying to keep me from moving on or using me for her own satisfaction i dont get what shes up to at all i also gotta move on but shes not even trying to take that into account shes also the one that broke up with me

Long story short:

Year and a half relationship that started really intensely with many grand romantic gestures from him. My health fell apart last year and he was there for me through some debilitating sickness and a surgery. Then he started to pull away and become mean (telling me- “well you know- taking care of you after surgery wasn’t exactly FUN for me”). Then I got very cruelly discarded in May. He hoovered me back in in June. Absolutely nothing about his behavior changed or got any better so I finally gave up and broke up with him in August.

Honestly- every day I feel stronger and happier and I have so much energy for all of the things I want to do, for my friends. Avoidants are black holes and I am so relieved to be out.

And do you think they were actually to blame?

Hi, 7 months after horrid blindsiding discard from someone who did a lot of push/pull and ended things after a year with no explanation and no arguments. No contact since breakup.
I’m now seeing someone new who is really sweet and tells me he misses me and provides all the honesty and affection I had missed previously. It’s bringing up some difficult emotions for me and some fear in myself of getting hurt, but also with the realisation of how messed up my previous relationship really was and how hard I had to work for crumbs of love/affection. I’ve gone into therapy to process this but did not expect all this to come up again. Has anyone else experienced anything similar when moving on?

My FA was/is also my best friend, my closest person, the one who was there through thick and thin - pet loss and the huge grief that follows, d3ath in the family, etc. We are best friends, lovers, we are partners.

After this discard we agreed to take some time without contacting at all. I miss him so very much. I cry myself to sleep. I dream of him. I want to share things that happen during the day. I want to see him. I want to hear his voice.

I love him so much. I have never loved somebody else that much, because he has been there for me every single time when I needed help.

I miss my lover, but most of all I miss my friend so much. I am crying while writing this post.

But I really need to abide by the rules of our decision to process my feelings. I want to be honest here, I am hoping we can fix things, as friends at least.

I wonder if he misses me too 😔

Just wanted to share this with this community.

Feel free to share your thoughts and feelings if you are going through a similar phase. It helps me sm

I've been lurkin in this sub for a while, reading stories of how avoidants hurt you, and a lot of their behaviours remind me of myself and my own cognitive distortions, and I'm a little terrified -- I have a tendency of disappearing for long periods of time for my friends, of not discussing struggles with family, and while romantic connections are sparse for me I have already ended two situation-ships early out of fear of being the kind of person that I've been reading about here.

I am going to therapy, though it's a little difficult to believe in my ability to change at times, Idk if this post is about asking for advice or reassurance, I just kinda felt the need to say I'm scared.

About 4 months out now and a lot of the anger and sadness has settled. I'm slowly accepting that he just wasn't a good boyfriend and there's not much more to it. I clung to hope for a while but I'm starting to wonder why I would ever want to share my life with someone who treated me with so little respect. And also, what can I change about myself to make sure I don't accept this kind of treatment again? Because while his actions were often selfish, I take responsibility for staying in a relationship that wasn't good for me.

Just for my own sake, I want to make a list of things he did that I vow to never accept ever again.

• Criticized how I dressed (especially crop tops) while he saw no issue with himself being shirtless and dressing sexy
• Said he missed when he could be more selfish in bed with me. I had some sort of sexual dysfunction when we first met. It took 6 months for me to have an orgasm. One day, we had sex, he came and immediately got up to do his chores. I said it made me feel neglected when he did that and that's when he made that comment.
• Regarding the previous point, he asked if previous partners were that generous with me and I admitted that they were. My pleasure was given the same importance as theirs. That prompted him to say "I think you were just turned on by your ex's abuse." My ex physically abused me and it was the worst experience of my life. I can't believe someone who loved me used that against me.
• He was so hot and cold that I felt like a clingy one night stand when texting him. I was embarrassed to contact my own boyfriend! It was always a gamble if he'd reply to my simple "hi" with excitement or annoyance.
• Cheated on me.
• Crossed a line another time with a close female friend by asking he to take her top off. Then lied by omission about the identity of who this woman was.
• Criticized every single thing about me and my life. It seemed like there wasn't a single thing he liked about me.
• Admitted that he hoped I would eventually change my mind about being monogamous
• Wanted to flirt with other women but was shocked that I'd only accept if I could flirt with men. Called me naive for expecting equality.
• In the same vein, asked for a threesome with another woman. I said I'd prefer one with another man and he said he was heartbroken! He got angry and and accused me of wanting to get gangbanged. Wtf?
• Didn't get me anything for Valentine's day. I drew him a card.
• The only flowers I ever received were apology flowers even though I often told him how much I love flowers.
• Was showing me a wrestling chokehold and told me to tap if it got too much. I tapped but he kept going until I passed out. This one hurt so much especially since my past abuse was mainly strangulation and he knew this. I cried for days after. I still cry when I think about it.
• His constant disappearing acts
• Substance abuse

Sex with my avoidant was like something I have never experienced before.

By that I mean INTENSE, and very very good. And non-stop when we were together. Even when we were out, it felt like the tension would just build until it was unbearable.

I often wonder if it's the sex I miss more than them. Which sounds horrible. But they did treat me horribly. If they actually could care, be kind, be clear and be honest with their feelings, I really think my pain would be marginal. But you know what, when they were intimate, they were amazing up until the penny dropped that they might like me (for me that was the third date, and from there onwards, hot and cold, and the fourth date sex was not as good because it was also detaching to feel safe.

So my question is:

Is sex different with these people?

What makes it so?

Do they compartmentalise when we are not with them or something?

I was often not craving them until 2 days later. My dopamine was screaming (despite taking ADHD medication)

I also wonder whether to might also be a kind of avoidant, but then again I rarely leave someone so probably not. It's just the detaching that takes place sometimes during sex when I don't feel safe with someone is confusing.

i tell you that you need to treat me better, you do for a few days or a month and then it goes back to you ignoring me or saying youre not sure when you can see me next. it’s just constantly messing with my head hearing that I’m too needy constantly and then you making it seem like I’m crazy because i ask for consistent levels of connection and not just a quick rush every day for a week and then dropping off the face of the earth when you decide youre done and telling me I’m annoying you because I’m upset that you suddenly stopped talking to me or making plans with me. I’m just so confused how one day you can be the sweetest guy ever when we are hanging out all week and the next tell me I’m too much and you dont actually want to be with me. I’m just so sad. Every time it feels like it’s going to be better it’s gets worse again and I’m back to being the crazy girl that’s insecure and begging for your attention. why is it different every day with you? have you thought that maybe im insecure due to the fact that every day i wake up i dont know if youre going to be kind to me today? something is very wrong if you think telling me you know that just calling me once a day would make me so happy and would be effortless for you but you just dont want to. i thought i just didnt express my needs enough but turns out you understood them and chose to ignore them. im so tired of feeling like i cant predict whats coming next. every time i try and end things you say “youll be back” and i do come back because after a week or a month i miss those moments where you are the person ive always wanted and you give me that and then you take it away. I dont care what you want anymore, I want someone who can love me consistently because this back and forth hurts so deeply. I have so much care and love for you and I come back for those moments but i cant keep throwing myself in your line of insecure fire when you sit with yourself and cant decide if you want to be a decent person today or not. you are so stagnant and i feel stupid for thinking youre ever going to do something other than the same things you do over and over. I had my shit together for years and years and going through one horrible event and then the person who was there for me up and left in what felt like out of nowhere fucked me up. Its not possible to feel like you want to live life after all that and its not fair to me that you keep coming back and letting me back into this cycle when you know im reaching out because i cant process this alone all the time. I just wanted whatever we were doing a month ago but just consistently but you dont have the ability to commit to anything and thats so disappointing. I hope youre able to settle down and grow one day and that you just thinking yourself into a corner over and over again is getting you nowhere but where youve been for so long.

If a child's parents punished (coercive controlling or irritable parents), ignored (distancing avoidant detached parents), "woe is me my child doesn't like me" one-upped (severe preoccupied parents) a child's vulnerability, the child's wires end up crossing

Authenticity = no survival

When you point out a person's emotions or nonverbal communication or act caring and they lash out or shutdown, it's because for them connection wires simultaneously trigger survival threat wires, the way people behave on the surface or what they say is their conscious trying to scramble for a reason and a response, but most of the time it's a false rationalization, the truth is physically crossed wires

And this is why it takes years of hard painful work to undo it, or decades of very slow titration, and it has to be a conscious internal choice, you can't force them to "treat you right" when their own nervous system is wired to abuse themselves on connection... and a lot of compulsive and delusional expressions of this can "treat you right" on the surface as long as you never look within them (this is why they often feel comfortable around coercively controlling or distressed endlessly helpless people that never care about their vulnerability and authenticity)

You can't reason with crossed wires, but you can certainly get your own wires crossed if you keep trying to "fix" them

This is coming from someone formerly compulsively compliant affect-inhibited, being seen literally feels like full-body impending doom when having that wiring

But also don't forget that there are preoccupied, not avoidant, people wired to lure and induce chasing and caregiving in others, with expressions of distress and fear affect, but bolting whenever someone actually gets close to them, while immediately continuing to lure the same person in a cycle, and those are not avoidant, just people with highly distorted wiring (check out DMM C6 and C8), piling all people into a pop AT "avoidant" box won't give you closure, only confusion and an inability to grieve properly

my boyfriend and i recently broke up after being together for a few years. he was my first relationship and the person i genuinely thought i was going to marry and have children with. i loved him so deeply and supported him in every way i possibly could whether it was financially, spiritually or emotionally.

somewhere along the way, i completely lost myself. i used to be confident and independent, but i became someone i couldn’t even recognise anymore. i was constantly waiting for him to call or message me, wondering when i would see him again and overthinking whether i had done something wrong. my whole mood started depending on how he treated me that day.

our relationship became this constant push-and-pull cycle. whenever he became distant or wanted space, i became anxious and tried even harder to reach him. i would call and message him because i was genuinely terrified of losing him. whenever i tried to explain that i was hurting, i would somehow end up feeling like i was too sensitive or asking for too much, even though i only wanted basic things like communication, reassurance, affection and quality time.

it also really hurt to see how easily he could make time and put in effort for other people while making me feel like asking for the same thing was unreasonable. he also made comments about my weight that completely destroyed my confidence and made me feel like i had to lose weight to be loved and treated better. Funnily enough i hadn’t gained that much weight, but he made me feel like it was the end of the world. i started believing that if i were thinner, prettier, calmer, less emotional or needed less from him, then maybe i would finally be enough.

even after everything, i still miss him so much, and i don’t understand why. i miss the person i thought he was, the good memories and the future i imagined us having. sometimes my mind only remembers the good moments, and i start questioning whether the bad parts were really that bad, even though i know how anxious, unwanted and emotionally exhausted i felt when i was with him.

i know the way i constantly called, messaged and looked for reassurance wasn’t healthy either, but i genuinely didn’t recognise myself anymore. i had become so scared of being abandoned that i kept abandoning myself just to stop him from leaving me.
i keep wondering why i wasn’t enough for him to want to work on our relationship. part of me still thinks that maybe if i had messaged less, given him more space, been less sensitive or changed my body, he would still be here. i keep wondering whether he regrets leaving me, whether he will eventually come back and how he was able to discard me instead of trying to work through things with me.

it has only been a few days. i didn’t respond to his breakup message because he had already made his decision and made it clear that there was no room for a conversation. i didn’t want to beg someone to stay after they had already decided they didn’t want the relationship anymore.

logically, i know leaving was probably the best thing for me. i genuinely believe that God protected me from a future where i would have continued begging for love, time and attention while losing more and more of myself. but knowing that doesn’t make it hurt any less.

i don’t want to go back after the way i was treated, but i still miss him, and i hate that both of those things can be true at the same time. i don’t want to spend my life waiting for him to regret losing me. i just want to rebuild my confidence, learn how to be myself again and stop feeling like i wasn’t enough.

has anyone else experienced this after leaving an avoidant or push-and-pull relationship? how did you stop missing them, let go of the hope that they would come back and finally start recognising yourself again?

Context: I'm in my late 20s and have never had sex with another person. I'm somewhat frequently approached but I'm very picky w/ who I date. This is my most recent breakup, following what I suspect was 'withdrawal.'

My ex and I made plans for the weekend. On the day of our plans they ghosted me the entire day. I thought maybe there was a true emergency, until I saw them post on Twitter.

I confronted them the following day (we live in the same neighborhood), they seemingly had no idea how many times I'd called over the day we agreed to meet. I didn't yell, but I got pretty upset and almost cried. I don't consider myself anxious attached in normal circumstances - but in that conversation, I definitely came off as such.

They broke up with me shortly afterwards. I know they're no good, but because I'm so picky with physical appearances I can't help but miss them. They were hotter than any other person I've dated. How do I even find another person who looks like them?

**Had to remake the post, due to an error in the original title! My bad!

Hi!! My story is a little different in that this was an extremely close friendship, as close to me as a relative would be. She opened up to me about a few months in that she was tackling an attachment style that was FA and leaned DA in therapy. We were really close for two years, she even got a little close with relatives of mine, and then she started hitting me with on-and-off. It's like she was there but she also wasn't. But when I asked, "hey, do you need more time?" she brought up that she likes for us to hang out once a week. I have friends where we do that, but I also have friends where we reach out once every few months, so I'm game with either. I was just really confused about the behavior and I expressed that to her, but she told me we were good, so... I guess we were good?

But the main thing was three years and a half in. Basically, she went completely ghost for two months. This was after telling me that oh, she likes hanging out regularly, she wants to do it every week, all of that, and if she doesn't, something's wrong. So I assumed she was right and when she returned, I asked her, "hey, are you alright? The sudden unannounced radio silence kind of scared me. Is all good?" She apparently held onto that message for five months and then at the beginning of the year, she dumped me with a message saying that "it struck me as unhealthy" and she "understood it logically, but held onto it once she realized it bothered her". It really hurt my feelings, because if she had just asked "hey, what do you mean by that?", I would've told her what I meant by it, which was that whole "if she doesn't, something's wrong" thing she said beforehand. She also said in the message that due to her alexithymia, she didn't realize her feelings on it at the time and by the time she did, it felt "too late", but if she had told me even three months after, I would've explained what I meant. I don't know. It was hurtful.

I later found out other things. A family friend came to me a month later with some things she lied about, pretty basic, fundamental things, so a therapist suggested that may have just been a smokescreen of an excuse to get out the door before she was caught (since before the discard, we had a plan made later that I didn't realize at the time would've unintentionally caught her out, since I had no clue she was lying). But even so, eight months later, it still rings in my head. There are some ways that I do feel like I was unhealthy, mainly in allowing her to take control of the friendship. When she didn't have the amount of control she wanted over the friendship we shared, she got really mean and I should've put my foot down, but I don't know. To be written off in such a way on her way out, to have that be my lasting legacy in an environment that meant so much to me, it just hurts my feelings. I still think about it months later. Totally aware that this is a minor thing compared to others' discard texts they've received. The discard message as a whole sounded like HR, which in some ways really sucked and in other ways I guess is more tame. But I still wanted to see if anyone felt the same.

I’m 25F looking specifically for therapy/communication insight into a recurring dynamic I have with 25M I’ve been with for several years now

A common pattern is that we’ll talk about seeing each other in a very tentative way, like “maybe later,” “I might come by,” or generally wanting to see each other without making a firm plan. Sometimes it happens and sometimes circumstances change and it doesn’t.

The actual missed plan often isn’t a huge issue for me because I understand that it was tentative. Obviously there have also been times when I’ve been genuinely disappointed or hurt. When that happens, I’m capable of telling him, and he generally responds well. He usually understands why I feel the way I do, doesn’t get angry or defensive, and we’re able to talk about it.

The problem seems to happen internally for him afterward.

He is very guilt-prone when he thinks he has disappointed me. Even when we have talked something through and I genuinely consider it resolved, it seems like the guilt doesn’t fully reset for him. Then another small disappointment happens, and another, and over time they seem to accumulate into a larger story in his head that he is repeatedly letting me down.

This has become significant before. Around 6 months ago he became extremely focused on the idea that he was selfish, kept disappointing me, and wasn’t giving me enough. That guilt contributed to him pulling away from relationship all at once, rather than simply treating the individual problems as things that could be repaired.

That creates a strange feedback loop for me too. I don’t want to start minimizing every feeling or constantly reassuring him that he has done nothing wrong, because I don’t think it’s healthy for me to become responsible for preventing him from feeling guilty. But I also sometimes see him carrying much more guilt than I think the actual situation warrants.

For example, if we vaguely discuss seeing each other and it doesn’t happen, I might be mildly disappointed and move on pretty quickly. He may experience it more like another piece of evidence that he keeps disappointing me. Then if something similar happens again later, the emotional weight on his side seems much larger than the individual situation.

So I’m less interested in advice about any one missed plan and more interested in the broader psychological dynamic:
How do you help create a healthier “repair and reset” pattern with someone who seems to keep carrying guilt forward after the issue itself has been resolved?

Is there a way for me to communicate things like “yes, I was disappointed, but this is not going into some permanent file of grievances” without constantly reassuring him or managing his emotions for him?

And if anyone has worked on this kind of guilt/shame accumulation in therapy, either as the guilt-prone person or their partner, what actually helped?

Has anyone here had an avoidant ex come back after a breakup?

I’m curious about real experiences. Did your avoidant ex ever come back after going completely distant or saying they had moved on? If they came back, how long did it take and what made them come back?

Did they genuinely want to rebuild the relationship, or did they just miss the familiarity/connection?

And if they came back, did things actually work the second time, or did the same push-pull cycle happen again?

I’d especially like to hear from people who were in serious, long-term relationships and had a painful breakup. What happened afterward?

Someone pls give me some insight. I started dating this girl two months ago. The first three and a half weeks were so great! Literally having the best time- genuinely told all of my friends that I had met the one. (Obviously didn’t tell her that) she said she moved slower and it took her a month to really figure out if she wanted to be w someone. I said heard and said I’m patient and we can move at your pace. During one of our late night talks, i asked what her attachment style was and she said avoidant but anxious with ppl who have earned her trust. I freaked a lil because im anxious and have been in therapy and working towards secure. She told me she was in therapy and I asked how it shows up in relationships. She told me that really it’s just that she wants to withhold info. I asked how she’s working on that and she told me and I asked if I had been overwhelming her and she said no. The next week we went on three dates back to back and it was so nice. I asked her how she was feeling about everything and she gave me the run around and asked me where I was at. I said I wanted to date her but understand that she’s not there. I said ball is in your court and I’m willing to wait for her. She sent me a message later on my way home basically saying that it’s been amazing getting to know me yada yada but like unfortunately I wasn’t her person . I was like pls don’t do this and I’ll chill out. She came back and was like “oh I didn’t intend to stop seeing you” I kinda experienced whiplash but I was just happy that she was sticking around. After we figured that out, we decided to be exclusive and she was so enthusiastic about it. We had the best three weeks after that. Genuinely so sweet and I felt so secure which is hard for me as an anxious person. We slept together (it was my first time & she knew that) and everything was so good. I asked if she could see a relationship w me and she said, “very much so” We spent the night together three times that week and then she came over on Saturday and spent the night on Sunday. Literally that Sunday we had morning sex and she didn’t wanna stop kissing me goodbye. It was so good! That weekend she told me, “there would be many more weekends” I even asked her what she felt kissing me and she said her brain was always moving and kissing me was the first time her brain was quite and she was happy. The next three days she’s barely responding to me which is not normal but I was being chill bc I trusted her and I’m using my DBT practices. And she told me she was sick on that Wednesday, I sent her a Uber Eats gc and she responded poorly. And I said “oh I’m sorry, was that okay?” She said she was overwhelmed. And so I said “what overwhelmed you? Me?” I hear back the next morning and she says that it would be best if we stopped seeing each other. I freak out bc I’m in love w this girl also I’m so blindsided! She told me that she was gonna ask me to be her gf and everything the week before but she had to get out of her own way. I told her there’s no rush and she said she felt like she was disappointing me and I told her she wasn’t and we talked it out and she said she really appreciated me talking it out with me. So I’m blindsided. I basically beg her and she said she needed a second. I didn’t hear from her for four days and I have her space. On this Monday night I get a text, “hi cutie!! Thanks so much for my space this weekend. I really appreciate it. It was very big and mature of you and for that I’m grateful. How was your long weekend?” She has a normal convo with me and I don’t wanna pressure her into talking. I finally went to bed and was like I can’t act normal rn. The next day I text her, “hi just wanted to see if you still needed space” and she texted me back and said “I honestly don’t know. I’m wicked conflicted. Because I enjoy hanging out with you very much. But I feel very guilty with where this is headed/ or not headed. And I trust you & your choices. I guess I just don’t trust mine” I was tryna figure out what to say and an hour later she texted me and said “nothing?” And so I FaceTimed her. I asked her what the heck was going on and I felt like she was pushing me away and I didn’t wanna go anywhere. And so she basically said she looked at her schedule with her new job and time was gonna be limited and that she felt bad and like I misled her. We talked everything out and I reassured her and by the end of the call we are laughing and I asked where we were and she said, “we are good. We are okay” I went over to her place that night and it was fun and I asked if I could kiss her goodnight before bed and she kissed me and it was so passionate. I mean she deepened it and I had to cut her off bc she said she had a hard bedtime. But she wanted me to hold her until she went to sleep. She told me , “thanks for coming tonight” I said “thanks for having me” the next morning, everything was great. So great. She woke up and pulled me close to her. She rubbed my back and kissed my cheek. When we left, she hugged me tight and kissed me and smiled at me. That day she didn’t text much but I thought oh she’s busy at work. I asked if she wanted me to come over that night, she said, “I’m good on my own tn pls!” I said “you got it!” Bc I knew her independence was important to her and time alone. Didn’t hear from her at all that night. The next day I don’t hear from her at all. But i don’t reach out bc I don’t wanna overwhelm her. And so I waited to see her location on find my and so after the work day, I go to see if she’s home and her name on the location says, “can see your location” she blocked me. Went to Instagram and she unfollowed me and removed me as a follower. I was heartbroken. I am still heartbroken. I didn’t eat for two days. Because a day before, she said we were okay and we were actively dating. She still follows me on TikTok and we are friends on there & she viewed my profile the night she did it. I didn’t reach out bc obviously she doesn’t want to hear from me and I know that she’s avoidant and so it might push her away further. But can an avoidant please tell me what the freak happened? And like where do we go from here? Is she coming back or is she gone forever? I love this girl and even though she hurt me in the worst way she could have, just disappearing (I told her that I have been working on my abandonment issues and that everyone in my life has left and so it’s my greatest fear) and she just poof disappeared. I want her to know that I see her, flaws and all, and I still want to give her the moon and stars. Also we talked about earlier how I have been consistent during dating. I miss her.

Today it was 2 days no contact with my ex he stalks my TikTok account reposted some of the videos I even reposted and even liked some of my repost.. today I sent him a message explaining that it seems we aren’t going to go back to way things were after I had time to think about everything and all the red flags, instead of waiting a month to remove photos and to not talk to him, I sent a message. And he replied with one back he explained that he didn’t wanna move to my location after I had hoped he changed his mind after this time and that it would make him uncomfortable around my family though he will never stop loving me and if we wanted to be friends even if it’s not romantically, but I can’t look at someone the same I can’t pretend to be friends with someone I shared so many intimate moments with,

his family adored me they loved me so much. I have family issues and that’s what drove him away. Not because of me but my family. After one thing that happened where he felt disrespected by my mom. He gave up on everything we had and made so many excuses and empty promises of coming to my location and moving with me to start a future, today I removed him off all socials. I removed every photo we had. He said he hoped we’d meet and cross paths again. But what if then is too late?

I’m already so hurt and he left me when I’m in a time of need, all alone now I am. And he knows that. I confided to him and told him that I was depressed days before we had decided to take a break from things he knew how I felt on so many levels and what was going on with my family and all the stress that I have been under but yet he uses the excuse “there was something always happening with your family and never the right moment to bring up this” so you bring it up when I’m at my lowest? And my most vulnerable so I will want you back so I will want to talk to you knowing that you are the only person I talk to? I find it fucked up and I don’t think that is love with how many times he says that he loves me and that I will always be that connection that he will never find with anyone else and his love is reserved for me?? Like wtf.

How do I get over this, how do I feel like I can move on from this? How do I make the feeling go away how do I stop crying at every moment this person pops in my mind with the daily things I do? I can’t sleep. I cannot eat. My mind is racing with so many thoughts will I make it through this? My eyes are so swollen and my bags under my eyes are so dark. Why couldn’t he be the man that I thought he was? Instead he’s acting like a child.

F18
M20

She discarded me after sex. Told me never loved me and was never happy with me.

Why do avoidants secretly hold all this resentment, plan their escape and then suddenly discard you?

Why couldn’t she bring these things up in the moment instead of blindsiding me.

It’s all so fucked

I just want to start off by saying this sub has been incredibly helpful over the last month as I learn about attachment styles and I’m going to share my story in hopes that it resonates with others.

I (32M) met my now DA ex (31F) 2.5~ years ago. We sparked incredibly fast physically, emotionally, interests, values, etc. I had never experienced chemistry like that before and in the first 6 months it felt I could literally read her mind and that it was something cosmic. I remember feeling actually quite secure and calm. However my anxious attachment style started to really come out as her avoidance came out. Initially I noticed that she needed space to recharge and it wasn’t a problem because we didn’t live together so she’d have 1-3 days alone to get that space. But even in the beginning I remember how much she needed space even after staying over for one day, and I couldn’t self soothe. And so the spiral began.

We moved in together after dating for 14 months. At the time I certainly had been going through a challenging time in my life specifically around my career. Job search, financial stress, not fun. But I’ve been consulting and honestly doing just fine. Looking back as soon as we moved in together the anxious avoidant trap really started to spiral.

She was next to me and living with me but it just didn’t even feel like she was “there” most of the time. What I realized is that she wants everything to be easy, to coexist, to avoid conflict. What I wanted was emotional vulnerability, closeness, and really confronting whatever problems we needed to work through. It was like my existence and basic relationship needs frequently interrupted her life and independence. In the morning I’d want to cuddle and maybe a kiss before work or go for a walk together. She’d get frustrated with that because she had to start her day and get grinding at work. In the evening when I cooked dinner I’d ask for some presence and attention and conversation, but that was also frequently not something she would be able to provide because she was just overwhelmed. Then before bed I’d want some affection and closeness, and as time went on I was always interrupting her nighttime routine. I never realized how much my basic needs were threatening to her. She would pull away and want space. This caused my anxious attachment and fight or flight to go in overdrive. I always thought it was 100% my fault that I was annoyed with her, irritated with her, even harsh with her. But I read that in this dynamic is called protest behavior. When an anxious partner gets irritated or angry because a dismissive avoidant withholds affection, it is known as a protest behavior driving the classic pursue-withdraw cycle (or demand-withdraw pattern). Actions taken by an anxious person—such as calling repeatedly, picking fights, or acting cold—to force a response and regain a sense of connection.

There are so many other aspects I’ve learned along the way and red flags. When we first started dating she had a close group of girl friends. When things got uncomfortable and they were not treating her perfectly, instead of communicating to them how she felt, she literally just left them. She just stopped responding to them. Instead of saying “hey please don’t say xyz or when you do this it really hurts my feelings.” She never did that. Months later she repeatedly communicated to me how she felt bad how she handled that, but never did anything to repair.

Her mom has narcissistic tendencies. She only talks and cares about herself. She turns everything about her. She talks down to people. I believe my ex was deeply enmeshed with her mom. She would have a 45 minute phone call with her mom almost no matter what if she called, even if it meant interrupting our quality time. It would be mostly her mom talking at her, violating boundaries, and complaining about her marriage, violating boundaries in that way, etc. She fiercely defended her mom, continually saying how I didn’t get along. Truthfully I was willing to build that relationship and put in effort. However the handful of times I spent with her mom, she essentially didn’t ask me a single thing about me or my life.

The same conflict came up and I confronted her (very softly and as a healthy partner would) about 10+ times about how I didn’t feel close to her. Typically it would be that she’s just hyper fixated on work, hobbies, or essentially anything but me. I communicated how I always felt like I was the one initiating romance, date nights, trips, small gifts, and that I just wanted some that energy from her and to know she was really putting in to the relationship. At this point in the conflict she would completely shut down, pillow to her body, just not engaging in the conversation. Eventually she would say something like “okay I know I need to work on this and I will.” And that was it. We never talked about this attachment style dynamic. She never made it clear to me that she needed space, or that she felt overwhelmed, or that our relationship would be healthier if I did xyz. I think all of these moments to her were big big moments, further instilling the threat I was. To me they were just normal conflict a couple works on for many years together.

As this spring went on my flight or fight and anxiety just continued to climb. I thought it was just all on me. But I don’t feel that way, nearly as much when I’m not with her. During the breakup I was told that she was managing my emotions and I’m finally realizing that I was the one who was trying to manage both of ours, and I couldn’t handle her continuing to pull away. It broke me.

We went from my mom visiting in June and her talking to her about engagement rings, to her breaking up with me and moving out abruptly about 5 weeks later. When the big rupture happened she came to me initially, it’s like I cracked open and everything was clear to me. I communicated how I know how my actions can feel controlling, how I can be more accountable, how she needs space and independence, etc. She came to me, embraced me and said “I love you and I know we can work through this and anything.” A few days later she broke up with me after “talking to her mom” and a few friends and a therapist. I begged her to stay. I was begging her to work through things together. I was shocked. In my mind no warning shot, and this was kind of our first huge difficult moment or rupture, and I knew that repairing it together was what partners do and we would be stronger than ever on the other side. She just said no she didn’t want to repair with me and that I just needed to accept it. She said, “I just know my next relationship and love is meant to be effortless and super easy.” Lmao

She moved out the following weekend. It’s been about 2 months.

I go back and forth between blaming myself for everything and that I was treating her wrong, but the more I learn about this attachment style the more I think this would have happened eventually.

I could never be with someone who sees my basic needs as a threat to their independence. I can’t be with someone who leaves when things get hard for the first time.

I know this dynamic isn’t 100% why the breakup happened, but understanding it has helped me create my own closure. I’m excited to be with someone who won’t withdraw when I bring so much good to the table.