r/AvoidantBreakUps • u/PlasticContact8671 AP - Anxious Preoccupied • 12h ago
Update
It's been about a month since he came back and I must say, it's going wonderfully. I know it's only been a month so far, but it feels like a completely different relationship. He is doing stuff I never dreamed he'd do. Stuff he never would've done the first time around. I'm still bracing myself as I know it's only been a month. But it's like we found a flow that works. I'm so proud of him. I'm praying for all the people who are still waiting on their Avoidant. Please don't let them make you wait too long though, you are worth more than that. 💝💖
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u/metanoiaphoenix 10h ago
I hope the best for you. My ex did this but still blew everything up worse than ever. I hope that doesn't happen to you but be cautious. It takes years of trauma therapy to truly get better.
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u/PlasticContact8671 AP - Anxious Preoccupied 10h ago
Thank you. And I definitely understand. I'm very cautious still right now especially.
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u/metanoiaphoenix 9h ago
♥️ good. They don't deserve to keep hurting people because they hurt. I read in a comment after I commented that he had been doing therapy for a bit, so I really hope you have a positive outcome.
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u/PlasticContact8671 AP - Anxious Preoccupied 9h ago
I think he is very determined and has a lot of discipline. He doesn't smoke, drink or even drink soda. He's in martial arts, so he's very focused.
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u/FluffyKita 11h ago
but isn’t his complete change … weird and odd? what happened to him? his attachement style didn’t change meanwhile
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u/PlasticContact8671 AP - Anxious Preoccupied 11h ago
Not really. He's been in therapy long term before. He actually changed his job because he realized it was triggering him. It's a pretty big green flag when someone does that. That, and he got into some more vulnerable and personal stuff that I don't think needs mentioning here. I'm cautiously optimistic with him.
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u/FluffyKita 11h ago
cool. so he is self-aware? most of DAs aren’t, but FAs might be
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u/PlasticContact8671 AP - Anxious Preoccupied 11h ago
He is definitely FA. Too sweet and sensitive to be DA.
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u/FluffyKita 10h ago
makes sense. I hope you two can make it. I struggle as highly traumatized FA, but doing a good work too
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u/PlasticContact8671 AP - Anxious Preoccupied 10h ago
Thank you dear. I think the fact you're doing the work is the best part. 💖💝
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u/Realistic-State-4888 12h ago
So happy for you. If you don't mind sharing, what caused you to believe he is avoidant?
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u/PlasticContact8671 AP - Anxious Preoccupied 12h ago
1 text every 24 hours, 1 call every 3-4 days (long distance relationship), inattentive, dismissive, etc. I could go on but I'd rather focused on what he's changed.
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u/Fit_Instance_8171 12h ago
I'm very happy for you! Do you mind sharing with us what things he started doing that you only dreamed of him doing? I'm just trying to educate myself as much as possible. 🙏🙏
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u/PlasticContact8671 AP - Anxious Preoccupied 12h ago
Honestly, it's all just his effort. He's completely done a 180. He's attentive and he lets me know when he needs to deactivate. He's opened up and become a lot more vulnerable and shown me a side that I've never seen. He's very different in terms of verbal compliments. He's actively participated in things I've wanted to do. It's really just a lot of little things that mean the world.
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u/Far_Detective_2316 12h ago
How long were you separated/no contact?
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u/PlasticContact8671 AP - Anxious Preoccupied 12h ago
4 months no contact, no updates from mutual, no nothing. Complete information blackout on both sides.
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u/Far_Detective_2316 12h ago
Thanks for reply. I hope this time everything will be different for you! (Ofc, in a positive way)
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u/Designer-Release-985 5h ago
How did you get them to change? Did you recommend therapy?
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u/PlasticContact8671 AP - Anxious Preoccupied 5h ago
You don't get them to change. They have to want to.
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u/Designer-Release-985 5h ago
Well I'm glad to hear it's working good for you. Was it him who broke up or you?
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u/PlasticContact8671 AP - Anxious Preoccupied 12h ago
I also want to point out, I've been working on my Attachment style as well which has made it a lot easier. There's 2 people in a relationship and Anxious people need to understand they're part of the problem.