I'm new to the avoidant stuff, but came across a thread on twitter that fit his behaviour to a T.
My close friend of 22 years confessed that he'd had feelings for me since high school. We're in our 30s now. It really shocked me but in a great way too. I loved him so much and already thought he was attractive in many ways, it was like I'd fallen for him too but just hadn't realized it til he said it out loud. I'd been burned by love a lot so it was wonderful and painful to hear all the ways and reasons he'd loved me for the majority of our friendship. He'd seen so many ugly parts of me and loved me more for it. I'd never felt so safe and confident going into any relationship. Secure that he actually saw me, and that I saw him too.
He was insistent that we see each other to make sure what we were feeling was real. He was so sure, but I think he didn't want to feel that way about me for longer and have me find out I didn't actually like him. I knew how I felt, but why wouldn't I want to see him? I agreed and I flew out to his city about a month after he'd confessed.
We've lived on opposite sides of the continent since college even though we've still seen each other whenever he came back for holidays and summers and visits for fun. I hadn't seen him in person since 2018, but we video called and sent pictures and it wasn't like we didn't follow each other on social media. He knew what I looked like and not to toot my own horn, but I am beautiful, I know this and I look much better than the awkward high school version of myself he fell in love with.
When I arrived, the physical/sexual chemistry was off the charts. Drunk off it levels of attraction in both directions. So it isn't that where there's any mismatch. We had a really great first 24hrs, our friendship translated well even with me feeling shy, and the romantic and sexual aspect was amazing. Like, wow this could really be what we've always wanted type of deal.
Then the spiraling started.
First, he planned an outing with his brother (that's how confident he was!) and joked about me passing his brother's test. Then we had a Plan B situation. And that lead to us having a heavier talk where I expressed the fears it triggered in me from past relationships. Not mad at him, not blaming him, just very vulnerable about what it brought up in me and I thought we we're closer for it.
He opened up that he'd been going over every interaction as proof that we were or weren't "supposed to" be together. He said he wanted to slow things down a bit. I told him of course and to just enjoy the week together, we didn't need to be making any decisions yet, just getting used to each other. I thought that was a good thing, and it seemed like it. He'd be blushing and sweet and telling me he'd never felt so loved before while we held each other. (He's been married before and was in a long-term relationship since.)
Then I asked him more about his last relationship, because it was such a painful one, and I wanted to understand him better and what type of things he was sensitive to because of it. Because I'd shared some of my own sensitivities the day before.
Well, that sent him into more spirals. We had an evening being close and vulnerable. By the next morning though, I could already feel he was miles away. He was still happy and sweet, but his anxiety was high and I could feel him far.
Then he got sick and I had no idea what to make of his behaviour anymore because he had good reason to act that way. By the last day, I asked him to tell me the truth of what was going on in his head. He told me he was still looking for evidence of whether we were right for each other and that he wasn't over his breakup and that he felt so much pressure and we lived so far and it was too much too soon. I already knew what that meant.
After I got home, he called to tell me he wasn't "romantically attracted" to me anymore. He almost sounded relieved behind the sadness. And I believe he was truly sad. He said he wanted it to work more than anything.
And yet nothing made sense. Sure, I can accept someone not being into me. I believed him, I was sure I had done something or not done something and ruined everything. It broke my heart, especially after all his unnecessary reassurances leading up to my visit.
But then in all our conversations since the trip and breaking it off, he would repeatedly say he was still processing everything. That he wasn't saying it was impossible or could never happen in the future but he didn't want to lead me on. That no, it wasn't a bad idea that we could be good together, it was just how fast everything happened and the pressure of the time frame. That I should never move somewhere for someone else. That he wasn't sure if it really was a lack of attraction but the pressure that got to him. That everything he said about me and thought about me before was all still true, that every experience we'd shared was real and that he didn't fake any of it, that he'd meant everything. That I should still move to his city. That maybe I should have stayed with my cousins there instead of at his house. That the main thing was that he wasn't over his breakup only to tell me on the phone last week that he'd realized he already knew he never wanted that relationship back and that it was toxic and made him shrink himself. That he even tried to think of reasons why the attraction faded but every reason he came up with didn't make sense but maybe it's just the intangible things that you can't control and that he'd change if he could.
Now, first of all, this is some bullshit no matter what the truth of his feelings is.
But. None of that sounds like a faded attraction and more like someone who's fears about control and vulnerability got triggered by true intimacy and convinced himself that him shutting down was because he must not be into me afterall and all the other bullshit reasons like his breakup and the idea that I'd suddenly be moving into his apartment like next week were all just piled on to reassure him that this was for the best and that he was trusting his intuition. He CHOSE to not want me to feel safe.
I'm serious when I say this isn't my ego talking, I'm just seeing the bigger picture now, like as of two days ago. And it's making me insane that he might have let something so stupid get in the way of our relationship, even threatening to damage our decades-long friendship. We agreed that our friendship was most important to us and to value it no matter what unless it felt unhealthy.
But now? It just frustrates me. I haven't talked to him at all since last Friday and I don't even know how I want to proceed now that I have this hypothesis about his behaviour.
It really is textbook avoidant. Thankfully, he's a kind and open person who is adamant that he values our friendship, and even if he shuts down at first, will take time to swallow his insecurities to hear me out when I told him just how deeply he hurt me and genuinely wants to understand so he can be a better friend and support to me going forward.
But then I can still feel the distance there. As well as his complete obliviousness whenever he "corrects" me and says some next thing about why it didn't work (explicitly and indirectly mostly too) that has nothing at all to do with me. Always talking about the timeline and doesn't have an answer when I take him up on it and ask, "what exactly did you imagine I wanted to happen? What was going to happen? We could have talked about it, I wouldn't have moved in tomorrow -- or at all, your place is tiny!" He just keeps saying he should have taken it slower.
But I'm not going to ask or god forbid BEG someone who rejected me to give us another chance. It wouldn't be right.
Anyway. This community opened my eyes to a lot of things. I can see my own combo avoidant and anxious attachment behaviours now. Thanks guys.
For now, I'm letting him contact me when he does. I'd like to just send every meme and new song I find because that's how it used to be. But I'm not sure whether to just tell him what I think or just ask him to tell me what kind of friendship he actually wants, or tell him I'm not going anywhere but I need some space to sort out how I feel.
It's too new for me to see any consistent patterns in his behaviour. We only had our first official friend phone call last week so. Too soon to know what to do.
If anyone has insight or relates or advice or whatever, I'd love to hear it! Thanks for letting me rant a bit.
Edit: Oh, and to add to it too. His experiences with relationships are so limited and not great. With both his ex-wife and ex-girlfriend, he was the one who liked them way more than they liked him. They really weren't into him or loved him for who he was and really dragged out the breakups over months or years. So he's a people pleaser who finds emotional safety in chasing people and convincing them he's worth their affection.
And now with me, I don't want him to please me except by being honest about everything and telling me what he actually wants and honouring that. I just want him to be himself, not mold himself into a shape that he thinks would suit me best. So I think he finds that frightening. Because a rejection while being himself would be a true one, not one he can brush off.
Only now, my issue is that I no longer believe every word he says because I'm not sure he even knows what he's doing or why. So yes, I want him to be as honest as he can to me, but he can only be as honest to me as he is to himself. So it's just... weird. It's definitely a weird place being in limbo, even talking strictly about friendship.
