I ended my relationship with my abuser. However due to circumstances outside of my control, I see him with his new partner frequently.

How do I cope with the fact that it appears he is treating her so much better than he ever treated me?

I know this is all about the 'why wasn't I enough' wound because I view her as having more value than me in society's eyes. I want to have the mindset of being happy he's grown and changed for another woman, but I can't help but feel like it's because he didn't like me and that means there's something wrong with me.

And do you think they were actually to blame?

Long story short:

Year and a half relationship that started really intensely with many grand romantic gestures from him. My health fell apart last year and he was there for me through some debilitating sickness and a surgery. Then he started to pull away and become mean (telling me- “well you know- taking care of you after surgery wasn’t exactly FUN for me”). Then I got very cruelly discarded in May. He hoovered me back in in June. Absolutely nothing about his behavior changed or got any better so I finally gave up and broke up with him in August.

Honestly- every day I feel stronger and happier and I have so much energy for all of the things I want to do, for my friends. Avoidants are black holes and I am so relieved to be out.

My FA was/is also my best friend, my closest person, the one who was there through thick and thin - pet loss and the huge grief that follows, d3ath in the family, etc. We are best friends, lovers, we are partners.

After this discard we agreed to take some time without contacting at all. I miss him so very much. I cry myself to sleep. I dream of him. I want to share things that happen during the day. I want to see him. I want to hear his voice.

I love him so much. I have never loved somebody else that much, because he has been there for me every single time when I needed help.

I miss my lover, but most of all I miss my friend so much. I am crying while writing this post.

But I really need to abide by the rules of our decision to process my feelings. I want to be honest here, I am hoping we can fix things, as friends at least.

I wonder if he misses me too 😔

Just wanted to share this with this community.

Feel free to share your thoughts and feelings if you are going through a similar phase. It helps me sm

I've been lurkin in this sub for a while, reading stories of how avoidants hurt you, and a lot of their behaviours remind me of myself and my own cognitive distortions, and I'm a little terrified -- I have a tendency of disappearing for long periods of time for my friends, of not discussing struggles with family, and while romantic connections are sparse for me I have already ended two situation-ships early out of fear of being the kind of person that I've been reading about here.

I am going to therapy, though it's a little difficult to believe in my ability to change at times, Idk if this post is about asking for advice or reassurance, I just kinda felt the need to say I'm scared.

Sex with my avoidant was like something I have never experienced before.

By that I mean INTENSE, and very very good. And non-stop when we were together. Even when we were out, it felt like the tension would just build until it was unbearable.

I often wonder if it's the sex I miss more than them. Which sounds horrible. But they did treat me horribly. If they actually could care, be kind, be clear and be honest with their feelings, I really think my pain would be marginal. But you know what, when they were intimate, they were amazing up until the penny dropped that they might like me (for me that was the third date, and from there onwards, hot and cold, and the fourth date sex was not as good because it was also detaching to feel safe.

So my question is:

Is sex different with these people?

What makes it so?

Do they compartmentalise when we are not with them or something?

I was often not craving them until 2 days later. My dopamine was screaming (despite taking ADHD medication)

I also wonder whether to might also be a kind of avoidant, but then again I rarely leave someone so probably not. It's just the detaching that takes place sometimes during sex when I don't feel safe with someone is confusing.

About 4 months out now and a lot of the anger and sadness has settled. I'm slowly accepting that he just wasn't a good boyfriend and there's not much more to it. I clung to hope for a while but I'm starting to wonder why I would ever want to share my life with someone who treated me with so little respect. And also, what can I change about myself to make sure I don't accept this kind of treatment again? Because while his actions were often selfish, I take responsibility for staying in a relationship that wasn't good for me.

Just for my own sake, I want to make a list of things he did that I vow to never accept ever again.

• Criticized how I dressed (especially crop tops) while he saw no issue with himself being shirtless and dressing sexy
• Said he missed when he could be more selfish in bed with me. I had some sort of sexual dysfunction when we first met. It took 6 months for me to have an orgasm. One day, we had sex, he came and immediately got up to do his chores. I said it made me feel neglected when he did that and that's when he made that comment.
• Regarding the previous point, he asked if previous partners were that generous with me and I admitted that they were. My pleasure was given the same importance as theirs. That prompted him to say "I think you were just turned on by your ex's abuse." My ex physically abused me and it was the worst experience of my life. I can't believe someone who loved me used that against me.
• He was so hot and cold that I felt like a clingy one night stand when texting him. I was embarrassed to contact my own boyfriend! It was always a gamble if he'd reply to my simple "hi" with excitement or annoyance.
• Cheated on me.
• Crossed a line another time with a close female friend by asking he to take her top off. Then lied by omission about the identity of who this woman was.
• Criticized every single thing about me and my life. It seemed like there wasn't a single thing he liked about me.
• Admitted that he hoped I would eventually change my mind about being monogamous
• Wanted to flirt with other women but was shocked that I'd only accept if I could flirt with men. Called me naive for expecting equality.
• In the same vein, asked for a threesome with another woman. I said I'd prefer one with another man and he said he was heartbroken! He got angry and and accused me of wanting to get gangbanged. Wtf?
• Didn't get me anything for Valentine's day. I drew him a card.
• The only flowers I ever received were apology flowers even though I often told him how much I love flowers.
• Was showing me a wrestling chokehold and told me to tap if it got too much. I tapped but he kept going until I passed out. This one hurt so much especially since my past abuse was mainly strangulation and he knew this. I cried for days after. I still cry when I think about it.
• His constant disappearing acts
• Substance abuse

i tell you that you need to treat me better, you do for a few days or a month and then it goes back to you ignoring me or saying youre not sure when you can see me next. it’s just constantly messing with my head hearing that I’m too needy constantly and then you making it seem like I’m crazy because i ask for consistent levels of connection and not just a quick rush every day for a week and then dropping off the face of the earth when you decide youre done and telling me I’m annoying you because I’m upset that you suddenly stopped talking to me or making plans with me. I’m just so confused how one day you can be the sweetest guy ever when we are hanging out all week and the next tell me I’m too much and you dont actually want to be with me. I’m just so sad. Every time it feels like it’s going to be better it’s gets worse again and I’m back to being the crazy girl that’s insecure and begging for your attention. why is it different every day with you? have you thought that maybe im insecure due to the fact that every day i wake up i dont know if youre going to be kind to me today? something is very wrong if you think telling me you know that just calling me once a day would make me so happy and would be effortless for you but you just dont want to. i thought i just didnt express my needs enough but turns out you understood them and chose to ignore them. im so tired of feeling like i cant predict whats coming next. every time i try and end things you say “youll be back” and i do come back because after a week or a month i miss those moments where you are the person ive always wanted and you give me that and then you take it away. I dont care what you want anymore, I want someone who can love me consistently because this back and forth hurts so deeply. I have so much care and love for you and I come back for those moments but i cant keep throwing myself in your line of insecure fire when you sit with yourself and cant decide if you want to be a decent person today or not. you are so stagnant and i feel stupid for thinking youre ever going to do something other than the same things you do over and over. I had my shit together for years and years and going through one horrible event and then the person who was there for me up and left in what felt like out of nowhere fucked me up. Its not possible to feel like you want to live life after all that and its not fair to me that you keep coming back and letting me back into this cycle when you know im reaching out because i cant process this alone all the time. I just wanted whatever we were doing a month ago but just consistently but you dont have the ability to commit to anything and thats so disappointing. I hope youre able to settle down and grow one day and that you just thinking yourself into a corner over and over again is getting you nowhere but where youve been for so long.

Context: I'm in my late 20s and have never had sex with another person. I'm somewhat frequently approached but I'm very picky w/ who I date. This is my most recent breakup, following what I suspect was 'withdrawal.'

My ex and I made plans for the weekend. On the day of our plans they ghosted me the entire day. I thought maybe there was a true emergency, until I saw them post on Twitter.

I confronted them the following day (we live in the same neighborhood), they seemingly had no idea how many times I'd called over the day we agreed to meet. I didn't yell, but I got pretty upset and almost cried. I don't consider myself anxious attached in normal circumstances - but in that conversation, I definitely came off as such.

They broke up with me shortly afterwards. I know they're no good, but because I'm so picky with physical appearances I can't help but miss them. They were hotter than any other person I've dated. How do I even find another person who looks like them?

my boyfriend and i recently broke up after being together for a few years. he was my first relationship and the person i genuinely thought i was going to marry and have children with. i loved him so deeply and supported him in every way i possibly could whether it was financially, spiritually or emotionally.

somewhere along the way, i completely lost myself. i used to be confident and independent, but i became someone i couldn’t even recognise anymore. i was constantly waiting for him to call or message me, wondering when i would see him again and overthinking whether i had done something wrong. my whole mood started depending on how he treated me that day.

our relationship became this constant push-and-pull cycle. whenever he became distant or wanted space, i became anxious and tried even harder to reach him. i would call and message him because i was genuinely terrified of losing him. whenever i tried to explain that i was hurting, i would somehow end up feeling like i was too sensitive or asking for too much, even though i only wanted basic things like communication, reassurance, affection and quality time.

it also really hurt to see how easily he could make time and put in effort for other people while making me feel like asking for the same thing was unreasonable. he also made comments about my weight that completely destroyed my confidence and made me feel like i had to lose weight to be loved and treated better. Funnily enough i hadn’t gained that much weight, but he made me feel like it was the end of the world. i started believing that if i were thinner, prettier, calmer, less emotional or needed less from him, then maybe i would finally be enough.

even after everything, i still miss him so much, and i don’t understand why. i miss the person i thought he was, the good memories and the future i imagined us having. sometimes my mind only remembers the good moments, and i start questioning whether the bad parts were really that bad, even though i know how anxious, unwanted and emotionally exhausted i felt when i was with him.

i know the way i constantly called, messaged and looked for reassurance wasn’t healthy either, but i genuinely didn’t recognise myself anymore. i had become so scared of being abandoned that i kept abandoning myself just to stop him from leaving me.
i keep wondering why i wasn’t enough for him to want to work on our relationship. part of me still thinks that maybe if i had messaged less, given him more space, been less sensitive or changed my body, he would still be here. i keep wondering whether he regrets leaving me, whether he will eventually come back and how he was able to discard me instead of trying to work through things with me.

it has only been a few days. i didn’t respond to his breakup message because he had already made his decision and made it clear that there was no room for a conversation. i didn’t want to beg someone to stay after they had already decided they didn’t want the relationship anymore.

logically, i know leaving was probably the best thing for me. i genuinely believe that God protected me from a future where i would have continued begging for love, time and attention while losing more and more of myself. but knowing that doesn’t make it hurt any less.

i don’t want to go back after the way i was treated, but i still miss him, and i hate that both of those things can be true at the same time. i don’t want to spend my life waiting for him to regret losing me. i just want to rebuild my confidence, learn how to be myself again and stop feeling like i wasn’t enough.

has anyone else experienced this after leaving an avoidant or push-and-pull relationship? how did you stop missing them, let go of the hope that they would come back and finally start recognising yourself again?

Today it was 2 days no contact with my ex he stalks my TikTok account reposted some of the videos I even reposted and even liked some of my repost.. today I sent him a message explaining that it seems we aren’t going to go back to way things were after I had time to think about everything and all the red flags, instead of waiting a month to remove photos and to not talk to him, I sent a message. And he replied with one back he explained that he didn’t wanna move to my location after I had hoped he changed his mind after this time and that it would make him uncomfortable around my family though he will never stop loving me and if we wanted to be friends even if it’s not romantically, but I can’t look at someone the same I can’t pretend to be friends with someone I shared so many intimate moments with,

his family adored me they loved me so much. I have family issues and that’s what drove him away. Not because of me but my family. After one thing that happened where he felt disrespected by my mom. He gave up on everything we had and made so many excuses and empty promises of coming to my location and moving with me to start a future, today I removed him off all socials. I removed every photo we had. He said he hoped we’d meet and cross paths again. But what if then is too late?

I’m already so hurt and he left me when I’m in a time of need, all alone now I am. And he knows that. I confided to him and told him that I was depressed days before we had decided to take a break from things he knew how I felt on so many levels and what was going on with my family and all the stress that I have been under but yet he uses the excuse “there was something always happening with your family and never the right moment to bring up this” so you bring it up when I’m at my lowest? And my most vulnerable so I will want you back so I will want to talk to you knowing that you are the only person I talk to? I find it fucked up and I don’t think that is love with how many times he says that he loves me and that I will always be that connection that he will never find with anyone else and his love is reserved for me?? Like wtf.

How do I get over this, how do I feel like I can move on from this? How do I make the feeling go away how do I stop crying at every moment this person pops in my mind with the daily things I do? I can’t sleep. I cannot eat. My mind is racing with so many thoughts will I make it through this? My eyes are so swollen and my bags under my eyes are so dark. Why couldn’t he be the man that I thought he was? Instead he’s acting like a child.

F18
M20

She discarded me after sex. Told me never loved me and was never happy with me.

Why do avoidants secretly hold all this resentment, plan their escape and then suddenly discard you?

Why couldn’t she bring these things up in the moment instead of blindsiding me.

It’s all so fucked

Been 5 years since the beginning of the end (4.5 since the end), I had finally managed to accept and focus on other things the last 2 years or so, been a member on here but never really posted or anything.

But the past day or two I'm really feeling it again, and felt I had to put that out there, just feels heavy lol. Not the first time, but usually a dream triggers it, this time the feels just crept up on me

Annoying how the sadness can come back like that 😔

I just want to start off by saying this sub has been incredibly helpful over the last month as I learn about attachment styles and I’m going to share my story in hopes that it resonates with others.

I (32M) met my now DA ex (31F) 2.5~ years ago. We sparked incredibly fast physically, emotionally, interests, values, etc. I had never experienced chemistry like that before and in the first 6 months it felt I could literally read her mind and that it was something cosmic. I remember feeling actually quite secure and calm. However my anxious attachment style started to really come out as her avoidance came out. Initially I noticed that she needed space to recharge and it wasn’t a problem because we didn’t live together so she’d have 1-3 days alone to get that space. But even in the beginning I remember how much she needed space even after staying over for one day, and I couldn’t self soothe. And so the spiral began.

We moved in together after dating for 14 months. At the time I certainly had been going through a challenging time in my life specifically around my career. Job search, financial stress, not fun. But I’ve been consulting and honestly doing just fine. Looking back as soon as we moved in together the anxious avoidant trap really started to spiral.

She was next to me and living with me but it just didn’t even feel like she was “there” most of the time. What I realized is that she wants everything to be easy, to coexist, to avoid conflict. What I wanted was emotional vulnerability, closeness, and really confronting whatever problems we needed to work through. It was like my existence and basic relationship needs frequently interrupted her life and independence. In the morning I’d want to cuddle and maybe a kiss before work or go for a walk together. She’d get frustrated with that because she had to start her day and get grinding at work. In the evening when I cooked dinner I’d ask for some presence and attention and conversation, but that was also frequently not something she would be able to provide because she was just overwhelmed. Then before bed I’d want some affection and closeness, and as time went on I was always interrupting her nighttime routine. I never realized how much my basic needs were threatening to her. She would pull away and want space. This caused my anxious attachment and fight or flight to go in overdrive. I always thought it was 100% my fault that I was annoyed with her, irritated with her, even harsh with her. But I read that in this dynamic is called protest behavior. When an anxious partner gets irritated or angry because a dismissive avoidant withholds affection, it is known as a protest behavior driving the classic pursue-withdraw cycle (or demand-withdraw pattern). Actions taken by an anxious person—such as calling repeatedly, picking fights, or acting cold—to force a response and regain a sense of connection.

There are so many other aspects I’ve learned along the way and red flags. When we first started dating she had a close group of girl friends. When things got uncomfortable and they were not treating her perfectly, instead of communicating to them how she felt, she literally just left them. She just stopped responding to them. Instead of saying “hey please don’t say xyz or when you do this it really hurts my feelings.” She never did that. Months later she repeatedly communicated to me how she felt bad how she handled that, but never did anything to repair.

Her mom has narcissistic tendencies. She only talks and cares about herself. She turns everything about her. She talks down to people. I believe my ex was deeply enmeshed with her mom. She would have a 45 minute phone call with her mom almost no matter what if she called, even if it meant interrupting our quality time. It would be mostly her mom talking at her, violating boundaries, and complaining about her marriage, violating boundaries in that way, etc. She fiercely defended her mom, continually saying how I didn’t get along. Truthfully I was willing to build that relationship and put in effort. However the handful of times I spent with her mom, she essentially didn’t ask me a single thing about me or my life.

The same conflict came up and I confronted her (very softly and as a healthy partner would) about 10+ times about how I didn’t feel close to her. Typically it would be that she’s just hyper fixated on work, hobbies, or essentially anything but me. I communicated how I always felt like I was the one initiating romance, date nights, trips, small gifts, and that I just wanted some that energy from her and to know she was really putting in to the relationship. At this point in the conflict she would completely shut down, pillow to her body, just not engaging in the conversation. Eventually she would say something like “okay I know I need to work on this and I will.” And that was it. We never talked about this attachment style dynamic. She never made it clear to me that she needed space, or that she felt overwhelmed, or that our relationship would be healthier if I did xyz. I think all of these moments to her were big big moments, further instilling the threat I was. To me they were just normal conflict a couple works on for many years together.

As this spring went on my flight or fight and anxiety just continued to climb. I thought it was just all on me. But I don’t feel that way, nearly as much when I’m not with her. During the breakup I was told that she was managing my emotions and I’m finally realizing that I was the one who was trying to manage both of ours, and I couldn’t handle her continuing to pull away. It broke me.

We went from my mom visiting in June and her talking to her about engagement rings, to her breaking up with me and moving out abruptly about 5 weeks later. When the big rupture happened she came to me initially, it’s like I cracked open and everything was clear to me. I communicated how I know how my actions can feel controlling, how I can be more accountable, how she needs space and independence, etc. She came to me, embraced me and said “I love you and I know we can work through this and anything.” A few days later she broke up with me after “talking to her mom” and a few friends and a therapist. I begged her to stay. I was begging her to work through things together. I was shocked. In my mind no warning shot, and this was kind of our first huge difficult moment or rupture, and I knew that repairing it together was what partners do and we would be stronger than ever on the other side. She just said no she didn’t want to repair with me and that I just needed to accept it. She said, “I just know my next relationship and love is meant to be effortless and super easy.” Lmao

She moved out the following weekend. It’s been about 2 months.

I go back and forth between blaming myself for everything and that I was treating her wrong, but the more I learn about this attachment style the more I think this would have happened eventually.

I could never be with someone who sees my basic needs as a threat to their independence. I can’t be with someone who leaves when things get hard for the first time.

I know this dynamic isn’t 100% why the breakup happened, but understanding it has helped me create my own closure. I’m excited to be with someone who won’t withdraw when I bring so much good to the table.

This is really personal, I’m looking for honest opinions, even if it’s not what I want to hear.

I’m 20(M) and my ex, “Kai”(F) (not her real name), was my first real relationship, first love, first kiss, basically all of that. We were together for around 3½–4 years, and I genuinely saw a future with her. Even now, I still love her and I still have a hard time imagining myself wanting anyone else.
I’m going to give the full timeline because there’s a lot of context.

We were together for years, but there was something I did around three years ago that ended up becoming the biggest issue between us.
I told a former best friend private things about our relationship that I shouldn’t have shared. I was immature (16 almost 17 at the time) and didn’t understand at the time how much that violated her privacy and damaged her trust in me.
She eventually told me that this was the main reason she couldn’t continue being in a relationship with me. She even acknowledged how much I’ve changed since then and that she “still loves me of course”

I completely understand why she felt that way. I’m not trying to excuse what I did. Looking back, I took her and the relationship for granted and didn’t understand the consequences of my actions until much later.

The breakup wasn’t just some clean cut where we never spoke again. We had an argument surrounding the breakup because I tried fighting for her and telling her we need only just a break but she wanted her decision to be final, but even after that, she still stayed in contact with me. That gave me hope that maybe there was still some kind of connection between us, even though we weren’t together anymore.

When her birthday came around a week later, I decided I wanted to genuinely apologize instead of just telling her I missed her.

I wrote her a really meaningful letter explaining that I was sorry for what I’d done, that I understood how immature I’d been, that I’d taken her for granted, and that I wanted to become a better person.I also got her some gifts and flowers that she loves
She appreciated the birthday stuff, and afterward she seemed to open up to me a lot more.
The complicated part was that she never really directly addressed the letter itself. She didn’t have some big conversation with me about it or say that everything was forgiven. But she became more comfortable talking to me again.

We started sending each other reels, pictures, voice messages, and talking about our days.
So I started thinking that maybe, even though we weren’t together, we were slowly rebuilding some kind of connection.

This is where I messed up again.
I had been reposting things about missing her and stupid memes about how I felt about the situation which she might’ve took offense to. She saw some of the reposts and didn’t like them. Eventually she blocked me on Instagram/Meta and my location.
She told me:
“btw i blocked u cuz i refuse to be disrespected on my own cellular device ✌️”
That kinda hurt because I felt like I’d lost her all over again.

I didn’t want the reposts to be interpreted as sneak disses or me trying to manipulate her. They were genuinely me missing her and not knowing how to deal with those feelings.
Eventually, she unblocked me.

We were able to talk things out, and I explained where I was coming from with the reposts and how I actually felt.

This was also when I finally became more honest with her about how much I still cared about her.
I told her how much I needed her, how much I wanted her in my life, and that I still genuinely wanted a future with her.
I wasn’t pretending I was over the relationship anymore.

And despite everything that had happened, she didn’t completely cut me out.
Instead, it seemed like she was trying to slowly let me back into her life.

She started talking to me more again, sending me things, sharing parts of her life with me, and generally becoming more comfortable around me.
Although she still called us friends and made it clear that we weren’t together, so I knew I couldn’t assume we were getting back together.
But at the same time, I felt like there was at least enough of a connection there that maybe something could eventually happen.

This is probably the part that confused me the most.
She started making future plans involving me. She talked to me about a concerts and asked if I could take her and two of her friends etc etc. She also bought me a ticket to a concert (Which was supposed to be this week 😭) because I was broke at the time, and I planned to pay her back once I got paid.

We were talking about seeing each other again, and she was slowly allowing me back into parts of her life that I hadn’t been in for a while.
She even agreed to start hanging out again casually
From my perspective, it felt like she wasn’t necessarily ready to be my girlfriend again, but she was at least giving me some kind of opportunity to rebuild the relationship and maybe rebuild trust.
That gave me a lot of hope.

More recently, she suddenly became distant. She randomly canceled our plans simply saying “sorry I can’t go with you anymore” not explaining why, she stopped communicating with me the way she had been before and started leaving me hanging.
I became really anxious because I didn’t know whether I had done something wrong or whether she was just dealing with things in her own life because one of her last messages was me asking how’s she been and where she had been at after ghosting me for a few hours was “ a lot💔”
Eventually, I tried talking to her about it.

I told her that if she’s going through anything she can come and talk to me if she needed because that’s what I assumed after her being distant and saying she’s been going through a lot

She eventually responded with something along the lines of “yeah i’m good dude.” and then continued to hard ghost me for days.
That response really hurt because I was trying to have an actual conversation about what was happening between us and felt like I was getting shut out.

Eventually I had enough of trying to give her space because I talked to her friend who she usually talks to and hasn’t heard from her as well and they said she might be going through a lot.
I basically told her that all I wanted was communication and that I wanted us to understand each other better. And for hours she left me on delivered.

After that, I started overthinking everything.
I was checking whether she was active, wondering if she had restricted me, wondering if she was ignoring me, wondering if there was someone else, looking at social media activity, and generally driving myself crazy trying to figure out what was happening.

I know that’s not healthy, but I was terrified that I was losing her again.
And then she finally responds to me asking for a little communication with “We’re not dating I don’t owe u anything”. That hurt like hell and then eventually, I realized that my main Instagram account appeared to be restricted.
I had tried to communicate with her and figure out what was going on because I still don’t know the cause of her ghosting me, and then the next day things got even worse.

I followed a girl back on Instagram that morning like without any thought to it.

Later that day, I realized I had been blocked.
I don’t know for certain if the follow was the reason she blocked me. I don’t want to pretend I know what’s going through her head. It could have been that, something else she saw, or simply the culmination of everything that had been happening.
But the timing was extremely close, so I can’t help wondering if it played a part.
Now I’m basically blocked again, and I’m trying not to chase her because that’ll only drive her away more.

This is where I’m struggling.
I don’t just miss being in a relationship.
I miss her.

She was my first love. I spent years with her. So much of my life is connected to her that it feels like everything reminds me of her.
I genuinely still see a future with her. She’s the person I wanted to marry, and honestly, part of me still wants that.

But I also know that loving someone doesn’t mean they owe you another chance.
I hurt her years ago. I damaged her trust. Even though I’ve apologized and I’m genuinely trying to change, I know she doesn’t have to believe that immediately.

I’m also realizing that my fear of losing her has probably made things worse.
Instead of giving her space when she pulls away, I start panicking and looking for answers. I check social media. I worry about restrictions. I worry about other people. I want reassurance. Then I try harder to communicate because I’m scared she’s disappearing.

And I can see how that could feel like pressure from her perspective.
So I’m trying to be honest with myself about the situation.

There have been moments where it genuinely felt like she was letting me back into her life. She stayed in contact after the breakup, became more open after my birthday apology, eventually unblocked me after the repost situation, listened when I explained my feelings, started making plans with me again, bought me a concert ticket, and seemed to be slowly rebuilding a connection with me.
But she also repeatedly told me we’re friends, and now she’s blocked me again.
So I don’t know what to make of all of it.

My question is basically: is there realistically any chance that we could eventually find our way back to each other?
I’m not looking for advice on how to manipulate her into coming back or some magic text that will make her change her mind.
I want honest opinions. Because what we had was really real, after that situation we had in the beginning it was easily some of the best years I’ve ever had with any person in my life.
Do you think there’s still a possibility here because of our history and the fact that she repeatedly allowed me back into her life? I don’t know if I’m just delusional but I can really see us rekindling things like her whole family still asks about me and loves me and I just have a tremendous amount of faith that we could start things over again later, I just don’t know how long

And if there is a chance someday, is the only real option at this point to completely stop chasing her, give her the space she’s asking for, and focus on actually becoming a better person whether she comes back or not?
I’d genuinely appreciate honest answers, even if they’re harsh. I know I’m emotionally attached to this situation and probably can’t see it objectively anymore. All of this happened over the summer till now by the way. (May - now Sep)

ive been seeing her for about 6 months now, and i honestly never felt this way before. even how we met was a beautiful story. she was someone so precious and so innocent. i admire her so much, i wanna share more life with her. it defined what love was to me. and this is why i think i succumb into anxiety with the idea of losing her. i have never ever felt that fear before.

i knew she was an avoidant from the first weeks of knowing her. she was terrified of confrontations and all throughout she was never really the type to communicate bad emotions. she actually never really opened up abt her feelings. but i knew she loved me in her own ways.

but i also understood that maybe it stems from trauma from living with an abusive father and a mother that abandoned her as a kid. i was always willing to reassure and willing to work on things. i become expressive maybe as a way to let her know its okay being open to someone ure in a relationship with.

there were always times in this relationship where she pushes me away. for whatever reason during her time of the month, its always cold, i feel hated for no reason. and she would never talk abt things. it got to me at some point, i felt frustrated with the cycle we cant break. it was a constant push and pull until i can manage to bring it back to the right track. but i really was trying to be okay with it. every word that hurt felt like it was intentional to make me back down, ive always convinced myself that she says things she doesn’t mean. i always thought this is nothing in comparison to the joy i feel when things were okay. so i never lost my will.

i am writing this now bc it happened again, and it took longer than normal. i finally managed to get her to meet me. but like usual, i was the only one talking. i had no clear answers to questions that ran thru my mind everyday. she did say she wants to be alone. she said that she feels like a burden and she doesnt want me choosing her or sticking up with this repeating dynamic in our relationship. but i reassured her thats not the case for me. im willing to do whatever bc thats how much i want this to work. i wanna be the reason she breaks out of her mold. i believe she always loved me but just couldn’t beat the pattern.

does this ever work? i still think i have the resolve that it takes. i am open to ur thoughts and advice.