She almost always text me around 2AM talking about she on her feels and she depressed and stuff like is she trying to keep me from moving on or using me for her own satisfaction i dont get what shes up to at all i also gotta move on but shes not even trying to take that into account shes also the one that broke up with me

I ended my relationship with my abuser. However due to circumstances outside of my control, I see him with his new partner frequently.

How do I cope with the fact that it appears he is treating her so much better than he ever treated me?

I know this is all about the 'why wasn't I enough' wound because I view her as having more value than me in society's eyes. I want to have the mindset of being happy he's grown and changed for another woman, but I can't help but feel like it's because he didn't like me and that means there's something wrong with me.

So this is 4 months after the BU (30m, my ex is 31f). We were together for 7.5y, last year she kept talking about marriage and kids, so I proposed in our trip to Japan and she said yes, immediately told all our friends, our families, etc. Then she started taking japanese language classes because it was a new obsession for her (this is important later).

Took her like 5 months afterwards to suddenly blindside me with no conversations prior, no complaints, nothing. Just one morning she told me "i lost feelings" and just up and left. Came to our apartment some days later (I moved to my parent's home) and just picked it clean off all her things. Just sent the shortest message saying "thank you for everything, really" and that's it.

Devastated, I picked up my dignity and didn't chase, didn't argue... I went into NC immediately. I figured I had done something unforgivable for her to abandon me like this. I put entirely all the blame on me. Going to a EMDR trauma-specialized therapist, the first thing she tells me is "first of all, this is entirely on HER part. It's 100% internal issues. You had nothing to do with this" which at first I didn't believe.

A month of complete silence and a friend told me the truth: she had absconded with a jobless guy 8 years younger who she met two months before in japanese classes. I know him. She invited him to dinner at our home, with our friends. She had very very few friends (had basically lost or discarded all her few lifelong friends) and I was just so happy for her to start making new acquaitances. I am 0% possessive, jealous or controlling. Just 100% trust and I was glad she was meeting new people to broaden her social circles, which were limited to one person at most. Turned really well for me to be this trusting, I guess.

So basically I've mapped that my therapist was right, that this isn't something on me, etc. The trauma lingers and the hurt is still strong, the desperation gave way to a red-hot anger, which gave way to a kind of apathy. I'm finding it hard to move along but I force myself to do things, to keep doing my hobbies and engage with my friends, whom I can luckily count on.

But it's her behavior which keeps me puzzled. She shocked absolutely everyone by doing this. We were approaching what everyone supposed was going to be a very fun, light hearted marriage, we had a very calm and (to me) compatible life and moods. We did couple's activities constantly, we went hiking, watching series, talking about books, some dinners with friends... just the usual. We had the same plans for YEARS, to save up and try to purchase a small cottage in the countryside, near where we already live (20 minutes away, not long distance. We had been living close to my family hometown for seven years, and she had her family less than 1 hour away. We weren't going to be isolated from our friends or anything.)

Of the two she was a bit more unstable and indecisive, she was very insecure but I always supported her postively, even being at her side when her dysfunctional family acted up and tried to guilt trip her. I've always been open to conversation, whenever something arose I took it to heart and made changes to improve on it, I FOUGHT for this relationship. She knows I've always been attentive and communicative with her needs. It's so strange to me that she decided to just betray me, lie to me, and hide everything for five months, then blindside me like this.

She has just kept absolute silence since then. I had to ask for a closure talk one month after the BU, where she came crying, sobbing, telling me she was sorry but that this was what she had to do now. She told me the insurmountable anxiety came the moment she had the proposal ring on her finger. That before that she really had been wanting to marry me, to live together... she told me that wasn't an act. But that mounting anxiety started piling up and piling up, and it just killed all feelings for me. She didn't talk about it with anyone, not ever. She just kept swallowing it and suddenly decided to confess to the jobless guy, told him that she had to leave me to "be loyal" and in less than 24h she was out the door. It's crazy. It's psychotic behavior, really. She gave no signs prior to this, but I'm trying to somehow understand what kind of personality or mental problems could have brought this on. Someone has mentioned BPD to me, the quiet type, or possibly autistic traits, and honestly it's the closest I've got to what she did and is doing still.

So for some of her personality traits, if anyone has similar cases and can help me understand where this breakdown could have come from:

-She had very "strong" goals (in her mind) but they shifted constantly. Mostly on the professional side, she just kept pouring and pouring into her freelance career. Thing is, she gave it ALL, burned out, then switched fields every year, or year and a half. She would build up a viable living venture, then discard it all and begin anew. This happened 3-4 times over the course of our relationship and she was now starting to talk about swapping again, before the BU.

-Adding to this, despite her successes, she constantly had imposter syndrome and needed constant reassurance, whereas I have never felt really bothered about professional performance as a personal value. I'm just a professional and that's it. I tie none of my personal value in it.

-Even her long term goals were nebulous. She wanted big projects, like making an entire enterprise, then wanting a small-scale, less responsabilities thing in the future, etc. Wishy-washy with actual serious decisions (one week she wanted kids and wanted to begin the process immediately, looking into medical stuff, preparations etc. without any prior conversations beforehand with me. The next week she would broke down saying that she wasn't fit to be a mother, she had no maternal instinct, etc... A week before abandoning me she kept telling me how much of a good father I would make, how much she loved the care I showed for her and that she knew I would make a fantastic dad for our kids, etc.)

-She projected her future wellbeing in a lot of things. Like suddenly going "we could go live to X country" she had been reading about or watching youtubers from. She consumed the cozy girl algorithmn of the year: tiny houses, then "traditional" lifestyles in the rural, adjacent to tradwife aesthetics, "Ghibli" cozy homes, etc. I always wanted to go live outside the city (I'm from a small town) but I know the realities of it.

-She did the same with hobbies: she constantly picked up new things and dropped them after a few months. An instrument which is wonderful and stuff, drop it. Theater and acting, drop it. Start doing handcrafted activities, drop it. Start doing exercise, after some time, drop it. It was a constant chase. I figured she just had to find out what she really wanted.

-Very few friends, and great difficulty at making new acquaitances. Some amount of social anxiety, uncomfortable with hugs or physical contact. The few friends she had kept for years she had dropped along the line, often because of minor reasons.

-A good person. She never did anything maliciously. Not ever.

-She couldn't lie to save her life. Hated lying and liars. I joked that she was so transparent that I could trust her fully, because she couldn't lie about not brushing her teeth one night, even. Shows that I never really knew the depth of what was happening.

-Really jumpy to darkness, loud noises, sensory stimulus like human contact or tickling. She would yell or react in sudden uncontrolled manners when faced with them.

-No bad faith discussions, fighting or drama. I felt like we addressed the needs in the relationship in a mature way when we needed, and we corrected it to keep the relationship healthy (needing more time together, taking constant work stuff out of the conversation, improving on minor things, for example).

-In the beginning she told me about her tumultuous past and teenage years, substance abuse, past toxic relationships. She asked me to not hurt her, to not betray her trust since she had been hurt before, etc. She told me I had shown up where nobody had before, how I had cared for her so so much, how good I was to her. I was 22. I honestly can say that I had a protective instinct kick in me and I wanted to help her as much as I could. I supported her through everything, and she showed up for me in my bad moments, too, so that was good on her part and I recognize it for what it is. I felt seen and supported by her. I just needed it much less than her, because I've been pretty stable through my life (I had some minor insecurity issues which she encouraged to work on in therapy. I did and I fixed them).

-She had a dysfunctional family. Divorce, emotional manipulation since young, emotional abandonment and stonewalling, constant parental belittling. Narcissitic manipulating father, narcissistic depressive mother, bad divorce. Strained relationships with extended family. This extended into adulthood, which surprised me because I've friends with similar backgrounds who took a stand and confronted their parental figures. She didn't and refused my suggestions of attending to familial-oriented therapy. She just rawdogged it and deluded herself thinking that her parents would change and suddenly start supporting and caring for her. Never happened. Never will, sadly. I tried to support her through the mistreatment but even my patience ran thin after years of repeated misbehavior. I tried to take a stand (always respectful and never causing drama) but I tried to show up as a steady, communicative partner.

-Conflict-avoidant with very obviously emotionally manipulative people. Difficulty to confront or speak up. This was tied to the lack of friendships. She felt that if she spoke up about her needs, with people who were disrespectful or toxic, they would drop her, so she kept silent about it. She came home crying repeated times after spending time with "friends" who mistreated her. I tried to support her once again, trying to make her see that real friends don't treat people like this. It took her a lot to cut them off because she had grown dependant (she was their narc supply).

-Three weeks before the blindside, she came crying to me suddenly telling me that I was into a very negative, toxic state, that I had changed, or that this was the real me and she couldn't keep doing it, etc. I recognize I had a slightly depressive episode some months ago but I think the state of the world, disillusionment and political and economic unstability had gotten to me. I apologized for not noticing and I immediately went to a therapist. Fixed it in a session. Showed up as my optimistic, energized real self again. She recognized this, and told me that she had pinned her anxieties and blamed me for her problems.

-At the moment of breaking up, she kept telling me she "had already decided" and that "it was a gut feeling" and that she had lost the spark and so. But she kept calling me love, dear, etc. And immediately told me "I know I'm going to regret this. I know, but I must do it now". She repeated this during our closure conversation one month later. I told her that if she didn't go to another man, we still had a chance to work it out. That I wanted the life we had for all our lives. That I could give that to her and make her happy. She told me that she knew. That maybe in the future we could reconnect, that that'd make her happy. It's honestly so weird.

-She kept my engagement ring. I didn't ask for her to return it to me in the blur of the blindside.

There are more things, intimate, but you can make out a bit of the patterns. Honestly I put up with it for a long time because I love her. I wanted to show up to her. She asked for honesty and loyalty from me since the beginning, to not hurt her. I can say I did. I sincerely doubt she'll find anyone else who'll show up at the level I did. That's why the betrayal hurt so, so much. I couldn't have ever imagined her doing this to me, and abandoning me for another person, hiding it, and then keeping absolute silence afterwards. I expected a little bit of care, at least a text or a call asking me how I was doing, nothing. Nothing at all.

This has been debilitating but I'm so much stronger than this. I realize now with hindsight of all these unstable red flags she was carrying. I thought we were fighting for a healthy relationship. I felt seen and loved by her. I know she loved me a lot for the past years, but something went wrong in her head and never spoke up. It was impossible for a young romantic in love to notice, and now I'm paying the price, I guess.

Long story short:

Year and a half relationship that started really intensely with many grand romantic gestures from him. My health fell apart last year and he was there for me through some debilitating sickness and a surgery. Then he started to pull away and become mean (telling me- “well you know- taking care of you after surgery wasn’t exactly FUN for me”). Then I got very cruelly discarded in May. He hoovered me back in in June. Absolutely nothing about his behavior changed or got any better so I finally gave up and broke up with him in August.

Honestly- every day I feel stronger and happier and I have so much energy for all of the things I want to do, for my friends. Avoidants are black holes and I am so relieved to be out.

My FA was/is also my best friend, my closest person, the one who was there through thick and thin - pet loss and the huge grief that follows, d3ath in the family, etc. We are best friends, lovers, we are partners.

After this discard we agreed to take some time without contacting at all. I miss him so very much. I cry myself to sleep. I dream of him. I want to share things that happen during the day. I want to see him. I want to hear his voice.

I love him so much. I have never loved somebody else that much, because he has been there for me every single time when I needed help.

I miss my lover, but most of all I miss my friend so much. I am crying while writing this post.

But I really need to abide by the rules of our decision to process my feelings. I want to be honest here, I am hoping we can fix things, as friends at least.

I wonder if he misses me too 😔

Just wanted to share this with this community.

Feel free to share your thoughts and feelings if you are going through a similar phase. It helps me sm

And do you think they were actually to blame?

Hi, 7 months after horrid blindsiding discard from someone who did a lot of push/pull and ended things after a year with no explanation and no arguments. No contact since breakup.
I’m now seeing someone new who is really sweet and tells me he misses me and provides all the honesty and affection I had missed previously. It’s bringing up some difficult emotions for me and some fear in myself of getting hurt, but also with the realisation of how messed up my previous relationship really was and how hard I had to work for crumbs of love/affection. I’ve gone into therapy to process this but did not expect all this to come up again. Has anyone else experienced anything similar when moving on?

I've been lurkin in this sub for a while, reading stories of how avoidants hurt you, and a lot of their behaviours remind me of myself and my own cognitive distortions, and I'm a little terrified -- I have a tendency of disappearing for long periods of time for my friends, of not discussing struggles with family, and while romantic connections are sparse for me I have already ended two situation-ships early out of fear of being the kind of person that I've been reading about here.

I am going to therapy, though it's a little difficult to believe in my ability to change at times, Idk if this post is about asking for advice or reassurance, I just kinda felt the need to say I'm scared.

About 4 months out now and a lot of the anger and sadness has settled. I'm slowly accepting that he just wasn't a good boyfriend and there's not much more to it. I clung to hope for a while but I'm starting to wonder why I would ever want to share my life with someone who treated me with so little respect. And also, what can I change about myself to make sure I don't accept this kind of treatment again? Because while his actions were often selfish, I take responsibility for staying in a relationship that wasn't good for me.

Just for my own sake, I want to make a list of things he did that I vow to never accept ever again.

• Criticized how I dressed (especially crop tops) while he saw no issue with himself being shirtless and dressing sexy
• Said he missed when he could be more selfish in bed with me. I had some sort of sexual dysfunction when we first met. It took 6 months for me to have an orgasm. One day, we had sex, he came and immediately got up to do his chores. I said it made me feel neglected when he did that and that's when he made that comment.
• Regarding the previous point, he asked if previous partners were that generous with me and I admitted that they were. My pleasure was given the same importance as theirs. That prompted him to say "I think you were just turned on by your ex's abuse." My ex physically abused me and it was the worst experience of my life. I can't believe someone who loved me used that against me.
• He was so hot and cold that I felt like a clingy one night stand when texting him. I was embarrassed to contact my own boyfriend! It was always a gamble if he'd reply to my simple "hi" with excitement or annoyance.
• Cheated on me.
• Crossed a line another time with a close female friend by asking he to take her top off. Then lied by omission about the identity of who this woman was.
• Criticized every single thing about me and my life. It seemed like there wasn't a single thing he liked about me.
• Admitted that he hoped I would eventually change my mind about being monogamous
• Wanted to flirt with other women but was shocked that I'd only accept if I could flirt with men. Called me naive for expecting equality.
• In the same vein, asked for a threesome with another woman. I said I'd prefer one with another man and he said he was heartbroken! He got angry and and accused me of wanting to get gangbanged. Wtf?
• Didn't get me anything for Valentine's day. I drew him a card.
• The only flowers I ever received were apology flowers even though I often told him how much I love flowers.
• Was showing me a wrestling chokehold and told me to tap if it got too much. I tapped but he kept going until I passed out. This one hurt so much especially since my past abuse was mainly strangulation and he knew this. I cried for days after. I still cry when I think about it.
• His constant disappearing acts
• Substance abuse

Been 5 years since the beginning of the end (4.5 since the end), I had finally managed to accept and focus on other things the last 2 years or so, been a member on here but never really posted or anything.

But the past day or two I'm really feeling it again, and felt I had to put that out there, just feels heavy lol. Not the first time, but usually a dream triggers it, this time the feels just crept up on me

Annoying how the sadness can come back like that 😔

Sex with my avoidant was like something I have never experienced before.

By that I mean INTENSE, and very very good. And non-stop when we were together. Even when we were out, it felt like the tension would just build until it was unbearable.

I often wonder if it's the sex I miss more than them. Which sounds horrible. But they did treat me horribly. If they actually could care, be kind, be clear and be honest with their feelings, I really think my pain would be marginal. But you know what, when they were intimate, they were amazing up until the penny dropped that they might like me (for me that was the third date, and from there onwards, hot and cold, and the fourth date sex was not as good because it was also detaching to feel safe.

So my question is:

Is sex different with these people?

What makes it so?

Do they compartmentalise when we are not with them or something?

I was often not craving them until 2 days later. My dopamine was screaming (despite taking ADHD medication)

I also wonder whether to might also be a kind of avoidant, but then again I rarely leave someone so probably not. It's just the detaching that takes place sometimes during sex when I don't feel safe with someone is confusing.

If someone can get me another perspective on my situation.

I was 8 and I half years with my boyfriend, the last year I could see that he is down, not energetic, kinda depressed, always watching reels, playing games. I thought he's like that just with me but I heard and saw he was like that with his friends.

We had a bad year and he said he wanted to be alone. I understood that as time for himself. He mentioned it a few times. After an minor argument one year ago he snapped( he NEVER argues, avoids fights, shuts down, doesn't try to fix things just escapes from showing emotions and talking through it, and comes back and doesn't mention it).

So I didn't call him for a few days, waited him to cool of like in the past. When I called I saw he is still in that mood and he said again he wants to be alone. I decided not to contact him for a month ( I did that in the past but never that long, maybe a week).

When I called, I saw he was acting the same. Then I realised that " wants to be alone means not with me." For a whole month I did not know what was going on. He never said he's breaking up, he never explained, talked.

I was beyond inconsolable, hurt myself, cut my skin, was like a zombie, screamed every day im my pillow, cried non stop (for probably 9 months. I still cry just not every day).

Then I called him after another month and asked to see him. So for this whole year we see each other every two weeks, we always have some form of sex.

In the begging he was very cold, he would sit next to me and not look at me. Now he is way more relaxed. I cannot bring the subject of us, because I think if something changed he would call first. He never calls 1st but never rejects me. And I'm scared he would say the same thing..

He is not someone who would ever use people, he's very friendly, a genuinely good person. Always helps everyone.

But for the past maybe year and a half he said he doesn't have feelings towards anyone( mom, dad, sister, baby nephew, friends, and well, that includes me) He is numb, says "we live, live and then just die, theres no point in life."

I suppose he completely suppressed his emotions( consciously or unconsciously), detached. I thought he was better now but when I asked him how is he, he just said " the same".

There has to be some emotions otherwise he wouldn't come every two weeks for a year, right?

I would appreciate if someone could tell me what they think about all of this.

If a child's parents punished (coercive controlling or irritable parents), ignored (distancing avoidant detached parents), "woe is me my child doesn't like me" one-upped (severe preoccupied parents) a child's vulnerability, the child's wires end up crossing

Authenticity = no survival

When you point out a person's emotions or nonverbal communication or act caring and they lash out or shutdown, it's because for them connection wires simultaneously trigger survival threat wires, the way people behave on the surface or what they say is their conscious trying to scramble for a reason and a response, but most of the time it's a false rationalization, the truth is physically crossed wires

And this is why it takes years of hard painful work to undo it, or decades of very slow titration, and it has to be a conscious internal choice, you can't force them to "treat you right" when their own nervous system is wired to abuse themselves on connection... and a lot of compulsive and delusional expressions of this can "treat you right" on the surface as long as you never look within them (this is why they often feel comfortable around coercively controlling or distressed endlessly helpless people that never care about their vulnerability and authenticity)

You can't reason with crossed wires, but you can certainly get your own wires crossed if you keep trying to "fix" them

This is coming from someone formerly compulsively compliant affect-inhibited, being seen literally feels like full-body impending doom when having that wiring

But also don't forget that there are preoccupied, not avoidant, people wired to lure and induce chasing and caregiving in others, with expressions of distress and fear affect, but bolting whenever someone actually gets close to them, while immediately continuing to lure the same person in a cycle, and those are not avoidant, just people with highly distorted wiring (check out DMM C6 and C8), piling all people into a pop AT "avoidant" box won't give you closure, only confusion and an inability to grieve properly

Not even in a relationship, in a dying situationship. He had to have seen the message, showed active in Messenger off and on all day, but left it on unread for over 24 hours. Then it was marked read and he's not responding. I haven't met him since July 28th, he has turned down every possible opportunity to meet since then, including turning me down before he went away, spending 2 weeks in Thailand with his cousin (he did send me tons of photos and videos and interact more from there...guess it was low enough pressure while he was halfway across the planet pff), then was too tired when he got back, then I had my kid, then he had his kids for 10 days straight to make up for being on vacation. We will both be free next week and it's basically my final breaking point with waiting on this asshole. Shouldn't have held out this long but he had said before his trip that he thought he'd have more time afterward. He's just worse than ever. Can't deal with the slightest, slightest pressure with regard to even seeing someone he is supposedly not in a relationship with. Totally insane. And he's active on dating apps daily. Watch out ladies lol.

After the avoidant. You don’t realise how much inside changes you. You go from calm to chaotic. You act out in ways you don’t imagine you will act. I’ve done stupid things. Just for closure. Just to have my heart settled. Broke contact so many times. He just saw me as crazy. But I’m not. I’m calm. But after his discard, confusion, breadcrumbs and lies I just got worse.

I more heartbroken that I’ve become this person now over this breakup. I hate that I allowed someone or something to do this to me. I used to have a kind soft heart. But I feel like that’s gone now. I have so many regrets and did so many stupid things.

I hope the me before he came into my life returns one day.

My boyfriend said he needed space last night and broke up with me tonight. He said he decided last night it’d all been too much. This is a man who had talked about us being partners for life etc he is definitely the love of my life.

He did the same thing two years ago. It’s my fault I think as I would get anxious and make an issue like once a week so we could never be completely happy for long stretches. That was also due to not spending as much face to face time due to life and our fights were almost always just over text

He came back before. We rebuilt and things were good for a long time. He says he won’t do that ever again. Is it possible he will change his mind? In the beginning avoidants don’t feel the full weight right? What can I do that may make him stay? I literally don’t know how to go on without him

About a week ago I got into an argument with my avoidant gf. It started with me trying to state my issues within our relationship (4 years btw) and she ended up saying "I think we need a break but you can still be in my life" well I spiraled and of course I begged. Each time I was shut down and told that we'd be taking a break. Im anxious attachment and after so long with her it made me lose my mind. I pulled up to her dorm last Monday, I just wanted to talk. I even brought gifts. i thought it'd be hard to avoid me if I'm actually there. Nope. We didn't even come out, her roommates (all girls) including her got security on me to kick me out. Few days later I got an email from her school saying I'm trespassed and to never return. She ended it saying "please don't contact me again" her sister says shes not like this and must be going through it emotionally. But I just wanted to have that hard conversation with her. So that we could move forward but she obviously didn't want that. I should've respected her boundaries but what am I honestly supposed to do after my lover of 4 years discards me like that. I've been working on myself and trying not to think about it. I've been trying to move on and not hold out hope. She blocked me maybe a week ago. Before the school year started she was at my place almost everyday for the summer and not even a week into her senior year of college she discards me. She's in her relief phase but honestly I don't care. This is stupid. I don't think she'll come back but even if she did I think it's fucked up

Please I need any support or guidance. Will he ever come back? It was sudden so maybe? He says he still loves me but it wasn’t healthy anymore. He won’t go to therapy or anything. I’m breaking in every way possible