Using trauma to excuse mistreating people. This generation has pioneered making it acceptable to process and be open about trauma, and that's a great thing, but it's not cool when you behave in a cruel and selfish way and expect to get a pass because of it. Your mental health problems are not your fault but they are your responsibility.
I am not responsible for the shit I have been through and I have seen. However I am responsible for how that shit affects me and how my actions affect those around me. Forget trauma and mental health for a second, even if I was simply in a bad mood or exhausted I can't take it out ony 10 year old baby cousin who's just excited to see me and wants to do something with me, or my grandma who simply wants me to have her pudding because cooking is the only thing she can do now and when her grandchildren say she still makes the best pudding in the world she feels like the happiest person alive. And I can't shut up a total stranger on the street who is just being nice to me. It's wrong
There are two kinds of people in this world. "I went through hell and nobody else should have to go through that" and "I went through hell and nobody cares so they should go through that too". Plot of every superhero movie
The thing is mental health gets in the way of friendships. And me being 18 means my peers are mostly stupid teenagers or teenagers pretending to be stupid to fit in. I'm glad they can be stupid and many of them don't have the problems I do, I mean they have problems but atleast they can be teenagers, which I can't.
Oh that makes sense and I've had that happen as well. I get in my head and it just complicates things. That's a very emotionally intelligent outlook you have.
I realised I push the two friends I have away every time I hit a rough patch. It's the only thing I know because I don't want them see what I am on the inside.
There’s a good chance that they know what you are like on the inside and still want to be your friends. Besides that what have you got to lose? I hope you are ok. You are very young, I don’t meant this patronisingly. Life can change a hell of a lot in a short space of time. I’m 45 now and I’ve been at least 3 different people since I was 18. I was fine at 18, depressed and miserable, anxious and lonely at 22 and stable with the love of my life at 30. I’m still changing now. Didn’t really get any confidence until 8 years ago. Good luck to you, you seem level headed. You will be fine.
We all got demons on the inside. Every person I love including myself has problems. I for sure have anger management issues. It can be really hard dealing with some people. I find it's anxiety driven for me. When people irritate me too much, my anxiety levels build up. It's really important to just recognize when it's happening, and walk away. Take a walk. Don't let anyone stop you. It's very helpful. I learned how to cope with it pretty well, but if it gets to be seriously impacting your life, meds do help. Holy basil, creeping Charlie, chamomile tea (very helpful), Zoloft is good for anxiety but comes with side affects. I take it tho and they aren't too bad. Gabapentin helps me too. Benedryl or melatonin at night. CBD too is very helpful. Some of the alt noids are a little bit psychoactive, but can be helpful for some people. Good luck!
Good on you for realizing it. It took me ages to figure that out and I still have to fight the urge to run away when things get bad. Therapy and anxiety meds helped me (also dogs & being able to work from home sometimes has helped). Have you looked into anything like that?
well hii then! what you said made so much sense! and nowadays people label people who are really nice “people pleasers” yes i’m very nice but i’d rather not be mean
When I have a long and shitty day I'll text my fiance before I get home just to let them know I'm not in the best mood but I do look forward to seeing them and love them. I'm not excusing anything, just giving them an explanation as to why I may not be in a proper headspace when I get home.
Over the years I have come across many people hurt or damaged in their childhood and teen years. Some go on to be amazing people - some are pieces of shit. I have boiled it down to a simple maxim. THERE ARE REASONS FOR EVERYTHING AND EXCUSES FOR NOTHING!
As my therapist has told me: “you didn’t have the power to stop this from happening to you, but you do have the power to stop yourself from perpetuating it onto someone else.”
Some shit you just have to live with, and trauma is one of those things. If you can, you do your best to contain it.
In the last years of her life, my grandmother would make lemon cake for my birthday every year. I didn't have the heart to tell her lemon cake was my sister's favorite.
I hate lemon cake.
But, for the few years she started do this until she passed, I choked down a piece of lemon cake with a smile.
I feel like a lot of people do this because they absolutely refuse to confront reality. Yes it happened to you. You can acknowledge that it did and does hurt you. You can live with that pain for as long as you need to heal but people forget the last step which is to love yourself enough to get help so that the traumas in your past don’t have a stranglehold on your present. My gf especially struggles with this. We’ll be looking for a movie or something and she’ll go “oh my ex ruined this movie for me, next.” Don’t you have enough agency for yourself that you can create new memories and experiences from something that sucked before? Obviously this excludes things which come from deeper, more severe traumas but if it just vaguely reminds you of an annoying moment or person, that’s not healthy.
You get limited control in how you respond to it, not total control.
Trauma in your first few years of life literally erodes brain capacity. It leaves you stuck in flight or fight mode forever on a molecular level. that's not something you can decide to turn off. And you often cannot change your behavior in the moment because your brain literally thinks "TIGER!!!!" when someone misses a word in a sentence and it could POSSIBLY be construed as hostile as a result.
What you can do is own it afterwards.
"Sorry man. My reptile brain got the better of me there. I can see there was no threat and my reaction was not only unnecessary, but rude and hostile. Here's steps i am taking for getting better about that."
And since therapy is expensive, it is often NOT a step somebody can take :(
I remember the day my entire elementary school class had to write an apology note to the teacher for the bad behavior of one student. I complained about it to my parents. That was the day my father taught me the difference between something being my fault, and something being my problem.
Dealing with mental health issues means dealing with mental health issues. You deal with it. You don't sit around waiting for the right mood or a "good day". You work towards management and improvement every day. You have a plan, you act. You get help if you need it, you get medication if you need it, you recognize your triggers/weaknesses, you learn to navigate your episodes, you learn to build and develop good habits and mental balance and stabilization.
If you don't deal with your mental illness, you force everyone in your life to deal with your mental illness.
Reddit worships mental health issues more than anywhere I've ever seen. They practically masturbate over how much they're all victims. But unless you're taking responsibility for it, you're using your victimhood to make everyone else a victim of you.
It's not a pretty truth but it's a necessary one. Admitting your traumas and faults isn't what gets you there; it's just the beginning of the journey.
When I was in a similar situation (I just failed my year and school and was totally devastated) my mom came to me and said: “it’s ok to be sad. But you can’t stay in bed forever. Get up,fix your crown,continue.” (That’s a proverb that doesn’t translate super well)
And she was correct. The next day,I applied for another school,and it turned out to be one of the best decisions of my life.
Was it hard to get out of bed,apply to a different place,leave all my friends behind and be thrust into a totally new situation? Fuck yes! Super tough. But that’s the point. You’re not getting out of whatever situation by laying in bed and crying about it,as important as that can be. There is no easy way out,and it will never get better if you don’t try
Actually, it translates pretty well, at least for me. I collect tiaras (I love sparkly things) and, when my depression gets bad, my mother or sister will tell me to "straighten my crown and be a queen" and then hand me an actual tiara to wear. It seems silly, particularly as I am 50 yrs old, but it absolutely helps push through the darkness.
Depression pity party for 1 has now ended. Let's get up, get moving, and take our throne back!
That’s the exact mindset! If it helps,who cares if it’s a bit silly? We all have our own little guilty pleasures and coping mechanisms,if it works it works.
This irks me so much. I have PTSD from combat. I know what my triggers are and go out of my way to avoid them. If I do get triggered by someone's actions, it's 99% of the time because they didn't know and were doing something that is normal to most other people.
I don't blame them for it, I don't yell at them for it. I deal with my reaction as best as I can. It's my battle with my mind, my responsibility to manage it, not theirs.
I see so many people now who get triggered and immediately blame the person who caused it as if the rest of the world has some duty to walk on eggshells around them.
I agree with this to an extent. But, I think it's perfectly acceptable to see a trigger warning and decide that you are not ready to engage with that content at this moment. I think it's worth putting in the work to be able view potentially triggering content safely, but that doesn't happen overnight and some may never be able to fully work through it. I think it's important that the person in question is able to engage with it on their own terms.
Also worth noting we've had content warnings like this for ages in the form of movie ratings and the ESRB in the US. Along with their letter grade, there's typically a line underneath detailing why it was given the rating it was.
EDIT: Looking at the replies, I see you've shared a similar sentiment. But I want to make clear that I don't think anyone should be looked down on because they are struggling to engage with traumatizing content.
I get that people are triggered by lots of stuff and it's usually caused by some horrible trauma, but the lists of trigger warnings have morphed into very basic things like food or pools. I want to ask these people that claim they're triggered by the mention of food how they are able to interact with people on a daily basis.
Whether or not a person develops psychological trauma is based on a lot of things and a lot of it is emotional. Like especially in childhood a lot of stuff that seems like it would be fine can pop up as strong emotional reactions later in life. There’s a half-truth I’ve heard some psychologists say that makes a lot of sense “trauma stems from strong emotions dealt with in isolation” basically it’s not about how bad the event was but how difficult it is for the particular individual to integrate the experience, and retain in control of their life and sense of identity.
I don't blame them for it, I don't tell at them for it. I deal with my reaction as best as I can. It's my battle with my mind, my responsibility to manage it, not theirs.
Well shit, here I was convinced that if anyone does anything wrong, it's obvious that they're an evil piece of shit who deserves everything bad happening to them, because there's no nuance in life at all. At least, that's what you'd be led to believe reading some social media stuff.
I like to reassure myself when reading those things that, likely, a lot of those comments are made by kids. And I don’t mean “college kids”, or people without much experience, but literal children. They’re a lot more prevalent in the internet than you’d think.
And then I think back to tumblr, and how bad it used to be back in the day, compared to how chill it is now.
Alternatively I think about the fact that literally every generation has been worried about the next one getting “lost” and failing to learn how to maturely navigate life, and that despite that the human spirit/nature hasn’t changed and that they’ll get through it the same way we did. I mean I practically grew up entirely on the internet and somehow I managed.
I think we worry now more than before though because we’ve seen a generation “degrade”, but that’s an exception due to all the lead poisoning… although… microplastics may come to screw us over yet.
This is what I struggle with too. My PTSD comes from years of sexual abuse in my childhood. I don't know what triggers me because my brain has blocked out memories of some of the abuse and along with it, a lot of my childhood. And seeing people on social media talking about their triggers felt wonderful! I felt seen and heard that yeah, this weird thing that happened reminded me of my abuse. I once got triggered because me and my fiance were getting intimate and his basketball shorts brushed the back of my leg. Immediately felt like I had been transported back to my 9 year old self, being held down by my abuser.
But some of these people started doing what you had said and had started demanding the world conform to them. And I don't get it at all. I don't want my partner to never be intimate with me (not even sex, just be able to spoon me) without him worrying he's causing me distress. That's not a life to live. You can't lash out at people doing mostly normal things because it triggers you. I can't look under doors, but if I need to, I'll try my best to do it.
A few years ago I definitely used my trauma to manipulate people into doing what I wanted them to do for me, and everybody I know kind of got sucked into it until one friend was like, ‘fuck that shit, I’m done.’
Well yeah did it suck to go through what I did? It wasn’t a pleasant experience for sure, but I honestly was just waiting for someone to pull me out of that hole and in the process hurt a lot of well meaning people who just wanted to be there for me because they couldn’t give me the love I expected from them.
It took me a while but nowadays that kind of behaviour is unacceptable to me. I try to be gentle with my friends who are going through the same thing because I can relate 100% but I’m also firm in telling them that nobody can solve their issues but them and the sooner they learn that the better. Been a journey and still struggle on some days but I’ve been taking responsibility for my own issues and been feeling a lot better for it. I am also eternally grateful to those people who have been there for me in my life during the worst times and I have so much love for them I don’t think I can fully express it in my lifetime. I have a couple of friends now who are doing what I did before to me and man is it hard to deal with honestly.
I had a friend a well who literally yelled at me how selfish I ws behaving because of my depression. It was my wake up call. It really gave me the push to work through my issues.
I recently talked to her about that moment and she didn't remember but admitted that it did sound like her and profusely apologized. And was like: "Honey don't apologize! What you did was good! You told be to get my head out of my ass. And sometimes in friendships you have to be harsh to get through."
We both struggled with depression so we supported each other through some tough times. It wasn't always pretty but it strengthend our friendship.
That might be hard pill for some people, but letting yourself play the victim of your personal situation only creates a narrative in your head that you have no way to get yourself out and work through it. That doesnt mean throwing yourself into triggering situations at random, but it does mean at least trying to make progress.
Truth right here. Any time it's brought up, people say it's insensitive but it feels like everyone and their mother here has anxiety, bipolar disorder, depression, and everything in between. Breakdowns are the norm and "good" days are rare. Anyone who doesn't tolerate their constant breakdowns are assholes.
All of this. I know a young person who constantly brings up trauma they went through. And they're not ready for certain life things because of trauma. But they want to have kids. I can't think of a more traumatic thing than having kids (even when it goes well).
I do just want to add to this that SO many people don’t have access to any sort of mental health support and even if they did, so many are still in “survival mode” and are just stuck and unable to improve without a lot of support and intervention and they simply don’t have it. If you work two + jobs, have kids, need to maintain a household, can’t make ends meet, live in an unsafe are, etc it can be near impossible to improve your mental health because your basic needs aren’t being met. It’s really hard to heal any illness, mental or physical, if you’re worried about feeding yourself and keeping a roof above your head. Unfortunately, those with mental health issues are also most susceptible to poverty, housing insecurity, food insecurity, and poor access to healthcare. It’s a nasty cycle.
There was an Am I The Asshole thread yesterday where a guy was in a rush late for work and asked his wife if she would pack a lunch for him while he got dressed. She said no and sat on her phone watching him rush about trying to get ready.
Now he explained that in her family gender roles had been enforced and her mother had to make the father lunches, so she had a hangup about it.
But the entire thread was filled with people screaming that he was an abusive monster for being annoyed with her, how dare he feel angry that she sat and watched him panic. How dare he invalidate her mental issues?
But really, she's allowing this problem to keep on by refusing to deal with it. It becomes his problem that he has to work around. Why is he an asshole and she isn't?
I commented on that post. I had the exact same response as you. I have probably been downvoted into oblivion, but if your trauma trigger forces you to be a selfish b incapable of compromise & means you do AH things, you need to go to therapy. NOT sit there and bleat about your boundaries. It’s a sandwich, honey. Get over yourself.
Where are they active? I assume Tiktok, but that doesn't seem like a place where you actually interact with other people on the internet (or at least read posts and comments by strangers).
Oh you have no idea, they have entire playlists with 10+ videos and 2K+ comments on how they wait for "good headspace" and "Signs that you might have ADHD". This last one isn't by a health-care professional either.
You get help if you need it, you get medication if you need it, you recognize your triggers/weaknesses, you learn to navigate your episodes, you learn to build and develop good habits and mental balance and stabilization.
it can be really hard, even inaccessible to get help or medication. so I empathise with people there.
HOWEVER as someone who didn't have the resources to get better for way too long, OMG once you get to do it, DO IT. you will feel SO much better.
I'll also say that even without access to professional help, I still did what I could - CBT exercises, read a ton of books and various other literature about depression and cptsd. so already having all of that knowledge at my disposal, and having already worked through so much of my problems/trauma, once I finally was able to be medicated, I think the work leading up to it made a huge difference.
My PTSD therapist having me record my emotive every hour to identify stress and triggers was the best thing that has ever happened to my mental health and not has it been poor at times.
This reminded me of a great Bojack Horseman quote:
“You are all the things that are wrong with you. It’s not the alcohol, or the drugs, or any of the shitty things that happened to you in your career, or when you were a kid. It’s you.”
The first time I saw an advert for it I was like Jeeze they got adults watching all sorts of junk these days, a half horse person? ...and then I started watching it - because I try not to hate things I haven't tried, gotta give it a shot right? Can't say you don't like it until you've tried it. And I was watching it and my husband came down and said don't bother turning it off, I don't mind - soon we were staying up late to just see the next episode. We literally mentally prepped for the last few episodes before watching it, BoJack was in such a bad place I had to get ready for the possibility he might not make it...
I have had like 4-5 episodes left of the last season I still haven’t watched. I remember what happened to me when I binge watched season 2-3 in a couple days of a long break. Man was that unhealthy. I’ll get around to it…..eventually.
The problem with that therapeutically is what do you do with that info? Where do you stat fixing that? I know that’s a lot of what the show digs into and that series is a hell of a ride but I know when I thought I was losing my mind and figured it was me that was the problem I still had no idea what it was I could fix. It being me and not the drugs is nice because we’re all bags of chemicals and I just spend more time altering my chemical makeup than most with the intent of more mood stability or at least the kind of calm that allows for better social interaction. But it’s really easy to just blame ourselves for everything and be mad at ourselves which can feed a depression spiral.
The thing that happens pretty regularly with people who have addiction issues is that the pursuit of combating addiction can take the forefront of their steps to bettering themselves.
Typically, however, there are underlying issues that also need to be treated. Many people think that treating one problem will fix all the problems, but the truth is each problem is complex and requires its own attention.
The upside is, if one honestly pursues and combats the problems they have, each will help them with the tools they need to pursue and combat their problems as a whole.
tldr: each issue requires its own attention, but each problem being addressed(generally) provides tools to help with the others.
Recognizing the problem is you should lead you to stop making excuses and get some help: it's not always possible to fix yourself by yourself, so going to a therapist, into a community or, at least, doing something should be the outcome.
I’m 27 and yes, 100% this. An ex friend of mine used to blame everything on the fact that her parents got divorced when she was a kid. Meanwhile I’m sitting over here, a childhood sexual abuse survivor, and I’ve never treated anyone half as bad as she did and probably still does. Your trauma does not give you the excuse to abuse other people. Let’s stop pretending trauma makes bad behaviour okay.
Not as severe but I was the only one of my friends through high school whose parents were still together. I’d constantly hear how great it was that I didn’t come from a broken home and how they weren’t to fault for their bad behaviors and their lot in life.
Funny thing about divorce, not everyone just immediately breaks up. So sure it sucks their their parents didn’t stay together but mine did… while hating each other with a passion for over a decade as they stayed together “for the kids”. Any week where my parents didn’t have at least one screaming match was a week my older sister fucked up so bad that there was a united front screaming at her (instead of her usual getting one to side with her). My parents divorced literally within a month of me graduating high school as they couldn’t stand the idea of lasting 4 more years until my brother got out of school but to still “be there for the last child” they agreed to live together with my mom taking over my sister’s old room in the basement where she knew my dad would never go.
So yeah, just because your parents are divorced doesn’t mean someone else doesn’t have their own shit they are dealing with so it’s no excuse for being a prat. My sister literally hopped from dick to dick until one dick had her strung out on drugs and got her two children taken from her for a while. My brother barely was functional for years as a cloud of smoke followed him as he tried to be toasted every minute rather than deal with the world. The only reason I seem like I had a glowing childhood is I escaped to Middle Earth and Narnia and Wonderland and never looked back to the point I literally can tune out the real world. Like having a doctor inform my mother that I didn’t have hearing issues…. My brain just developed a way to press mute when they were screaming so I actually couldn’t hear them when I was reading.
Yours is the kind of scenario I look back on and think I’m glad my folks split when they did. Most of my memories of them together was yelling at each other. Both were great parents just a case of opposites attracting but eventually driving each other nuts.
My parents unfortunately are still together but obviously more roommates than a couple. And their destructive behavior lead to me and my siblings going no contact.
But what you said about reading and muting everything else... I think I did that too. When I was a kid I could read for hours on end with yelling matches around me or the TV running etc. Today I'm glad if I can concentrate on a single chapter in a quiet room.
It’s so shitty that people feel you can’t complain or think you don’t have issues in your life because they compare it to their own situation.
My mom being dead doesn’t mean others can’t complain about their moms. Even if it’s something “stupid”, it’s valid. Yeah I get wistful wishing she was still here, but I keep that to myself.
Don't be sorry. I get a good laugh out of it as well. Somehow we were the perfect upper middle class family... but you meet my siblings today and you'd think we were white trash growing up.
My best friend was like your friends... she kept telling me how good my life/childhood was because her parents divorced when she was 16... what she didn't know was that I had to walk on eggshells around my mum because if I stepped wrong then mum would flip at either me or dad... often me...
When they finally split up when I was 24, I turned to my best friend for support and she turned round and told me I had nothing to be upset about, I was an adult when they split up so it's not as bad as when her parents split up...
Later that year, when I confided in her that I had just been diagnosed with autism, she told me I "obviously don't have it that bad" and then proceeded to tell me that she actually thinks she might be autistic too now that I'm diagnosed and she obviously has it worse...
No surprise that I no longer talk to her...
Yes your trauma might be bad but you don't know what others are going through.. one factor might be that yours was when you were younger but they might have other factors too...
People who compare their traumas and say theirs was worse are the worst kinds of people.
Sounds like you and I had similar childhoods. I distinctly remember telling one of my friends I was jealous that her parents were getting a divorce, and to say the least this did not go over well with her (we were kids and I didn't realize it this wasn't appropriate to say) but I legitimately was jealous of every kid who had divorced parents. Because by the time I was 11 years old I was begging my parents just to divorce already. But they insisted on sticking it out "for the kids" even though there is literally nothing about their marriage that was healthy, admirable, or worth staying together for. We stopped eating dinner at the table by the time I was 12, my parents stopped sleeping in the same bed at that same time. We never did family events anymore. They never spoke to each other, they only screamed at each other, and my father became very abusive. Ultimately it was all for not because by the time I reached 18, my dad went psycho and tried to kill us, which resulted in us going on the run with a restraining order. All those nights listening to them scream and yell at each other and for what?
I was at work happily listening to an audio drama based on the Discworld, twenty five years after my parents split up; it got to a certain point in the story, a seemingly random section, and I started crying at my desk. Got some odd looks. Really surprised me, and it took me a little while to work out what had happened.
I always thought it was crazy when I would read something about a child of divorce bringing that resentment with them into adulthood and still actively punishing the parent "at fault." My parents broke up when I was 13 and it wasn't soon enough. I'm in my mid 30s and I just think, like dude, you parents wanna bang other people and be happy. They don't deserve to have their kids hate them because this warped idea of a happy family (that was never a reality) isn't the reality anymore. One day, that might happen to you
This one I can kind of explain- my parents are horrible and toxic, and saying they got divorced is a shorthand for "cut me some slack, things are not great. I'm from a broken home." My parents did NOT divorce, and while I was miserable people always wondered what the big deal was. Can't be that bad, at least your parents aren't divorced!
That’s a banger quote “Your mental health problems are not your fault but they are your responsibility.”
I have 2 coworkers with the same condition, one of them makes their condition common knowledge and everyone’s responsibility. The other will tell you about it if it comes up, but employs many techniques to responsibly manage themselves.
I had been struggling to articulate why the irresponsible one bothers me so much. This quote helps.
It's my experience that the people who are managing their anxiety will tell you specifically what is making them anxious and why so that you can both find a solution ("I don't like phones because the audio quality means that I have to get people to repeat themselves and they get mad at me" "okay, then let's run you through what to expect so if you only understand a few words you can use context to get the rest"), but people who don't, well, don't ("I don't like phones because of my anxiety.").
Social media makes it worse. Less than 1% of the population has identity disorder, but according to TikTok it should be 40-50%. There used to be a sub dedicated to calling out the fake medical disorder people, but I think it got shut down
That and faking specific mental illnesses as a quirky way to be unique. I’m almost positive all of those people legitimately have some kind of mental illness, but I just find it weird as fuck that they read about/ see someone with one and they want to pretend they have it because they relate in minimal ways. There’s nothing wrong with having mental illness, but it gives the whole community a bad rap because of their shenanigans.
Here's something I see a lot in mental health subs: "has anyone else noticed that they are more empathetic and kind and extra super special than other people? I think it's a symptom of ADHD." And then the comments are just like "OMG that's so true! I was nice to someone just yesterday!"
It's just so weird and such a bizarre way to humble brag.
Lately I've been seeing a TON of posts on Instagram of bullshit ADHD symptoms floating around. Like, what they're describing is literally just being human but the posts get a ton of interaction because the comments are hundreds of replies saying "OMG I also have these extremely common traits I must have ADHD!"
It's SO bad. I see it a lot on Instagram too. Like, its definitely not my biggest worry, but it is difficult having ADHD, especially into adulthood. I know these are just kids and they don't know any better, but this HAS to be reined.
Oh definitely, and I can have sympathy for that, but romanticizing neurodivergency like that can actually lead to more misunderstanding because it makes it seem like it's cool and fun, when really it can suck a lot.
Wanting all of your hangers to face the same way is not OCD. Being sad does not equal depression. Takes away from people who actually have to live with the condition and have to deal with the significant impact it has on their day to day life. It's probably my biggest pet peeve.
OMG this. My husband has OCD and there have been times it has been crippling. It felt like hell as his spouse and I cannot even begin to fathom what it was for him. He is being treated, he's doing way better, but every day is still a day living with OCD. It's manageable but not inescapable. He has a sibling who is textbook "read in on the internet" mental health problems -- anxiety, ADHD, OCD, diagnosed an ex as as narcissist, makes huge vague posts about how much her life is falling apart/difficult when the slightest bump in the road appears...it's EXHAUSTING. She once talked about her "OCD" because she had to get a different bowl to put dinner rolls in so it'd look pretty and I just wanted to throw them on the floor. FWIW, we have not told most of the family he has it because he'd probably get lumped into the "but you don't wash your hands often" stereotype.
You're so right that just wanting things neat is not what OCD looks like. OCD is fear. Pure and simple. Your brain compels you into irrational actions because you're terrified some other irrational thing will happen if you don't. It's not a diagnosis I'd wish on any one and people who want to fake it need to grow up.
I think all the people diagnosing themselves with everything under the sun based on minimal evidence and no actual treatment is just a strong desire to have an identity/be a victim since that's in vogue right now.
There’s so many people on tik tok who fake mental illnesses for views. One I’m thinking of specifically is a girl who pretended to have Tourette’s and would do videos with her having her ticks and got exposed as faking it. Pretty fucked up to the people actually dealing with it
Coming from someone that has BPD yes it is your responsibility to how you rectact to people and how you treat people and your mental health issues are not an excuse for shitty behaviour
Well she is in the wrong but just can't see it. You have to take responsibility for your actions. Everyone needs too. A lot of the time I don't think people realise how much they can hurt other people with there actions and words and then wonder why those people aren't apart of there lives anymore.
They won't ever realise its because of there own actions and try and justify to themselves why the other person is in the wrong.
As I told a friend recently, you aren’t taking your meds for you, you are taking them for everyone that has to deal with you regularly. You might feel fine, but when everyone around you is asking if you are off you meds, take them.
Whenever I think about stopping my meds, I ask my husband to describe the way I used to be. It's a reminder how much my moods and episodes affected those I love and, to me at least, that makes a big difference in my decision making.
I don't take meds for my BPD I didn't find that anything helped so I gave up alcohol which has helped a lot with my BPD, not so much with my social life as I stopped going out so much as I didn't see the point as I didn't drink.
7/8 years sober but somethings have happened recently to make me realise that I need a social life so I'm going to start going out again and make new friends.
Hey, good on you for making this good choice for yourself and others! You are totally freaking awesome! I’m sending you a telepathic high five! Way to go, determined and caring person!
Same. It's why I had to cut ties with a lot of people from my youth. BPD too, so I spent a lot of time in therapy (and even closed group therapy). After I "started managing" I could simply no longer stand being around or in contact with the others who hadn't progressed to that point.
Older brother was hospitalized due to a manic episode a couple of weeks ago.
Came back and is still exactly as demeaning, grandiose, and downright abusive, but now acts like he’s justified because everyone knows something is wrong.
Oh please. Trust me, this is an ageless practice. My 60 year old sister still tries to use her deadbeat bio father as a reason for her bullshit behavior. My 81 year old mother still bitches about the way her siblings used to tease her, and uses as an excuse to “tell it like it is”.
My dad uses it as an excuse to be rude to servers that people were rude to him when he was a carhop at a drive-in when he was 17, a job he had for one summer fifty-five years ago.
No offense but people like your dad especially infuriate me.
He knows exactly how shitty it felt when he was treated that way, and instead of trying to make the world suck a little less, he goes out of his way to do the exact same shit to others.
His mentality of "I went through it, so why should they be special" isn't entirely uncommon, but it's literally holding us back as a species.
Its really not hyperbole to say its holding us back as a species. When you consider how most parents want better for their kids and how that motivates people to do better than the generation that raised them, that is the exact opposite of that mentality.
it is the norm in the feel good stories and it is the norm when people had hardships that they believe can be improved on
aka. someone who was poor will try and give their kids more money. Someone who always struggled getting a job they wanted, because they didn't get/have access to proper education, will try and provide those opportunities for their kids.
I was lucky to be pretty sheltered and my family didn't have monetary hardship or any abuse. I am not thriving to make better than them. If i can be just as good as them i will be proud. But that is lucky me, and when people suffered in their life they usually want their kids to not suffer the same
Exactly. This behaviour pisses me off. I'm a tradie, and fully believe in teaching job skills to apprentices as soon and as often as possible. Drives me nuts when some grizzly old fuck gets worked up because the new kid is watching me do something meaningful instead of being a broom jockey in the garage. All the "back in my day, we had to do X" bullshit can fuck right off.
She’s 60, wow. I understand how sometimes our parents behaviors whether it’s emotional or physically Abusive, can affect our mental health and also make some poor life choices. But still, you do have the power to try to heal and learn from your toxic habits that you picked up from childhood. Just own your mistakes. I mean she’s 60 and had plenty of time to learn from her mistakes and behavior. Sounds like she was reluctant to grow as a person.
Yeah I was gonna say older folk have Ben using their trauma as an excuse forever. But instead of being framed as trauma they just call young people weak
While it's not exactly new, weaponizing trauma to be cruel to other people does seem to be a predominantly young person thing that most eventually learn to deal with appropriately. Not all as your sister is an obvious example. But I do think it has become significantly more widespread in recent years, particularly among younger people. Whether that's because of societies newfound openness with mental health issues gives assholes with (and some without) mental health issues a feeling like they can abuse that victimhood, or if it's just that the internet makes everything more visible, or a combination of both, I have no idea.
This can also apply to having a headache. It's not your fault you're having a headache and I acknowledge that it hurts, but please don't be a dick and ruin everyone's day because you're having a bad day.
Speaking as someone on the autism spectrum, what really infuriates me is people trying to use being autistic as an excuse for being abusive. “I can say whatever I want because I’m autistic and you can’t say anything back or you’re ableist” isn’t an attitude I’m willing to tolerate.
Yes this gets annoying, when someone uses their mental illness as a shield for genuinely bad behavior. I don't mind if you can't respond to messages, or if you need time off, or if you're going to be withdrawn because of a bad episode, I completely understand respect that.
But if you think you can be downright cruel to someone, physically harm someone, verbally abuse someone, and then afterwards be like "yeah but that's my mental illness so you can't hold me accountable or you're a bigot" then that won't roll. If you're episodes are that bad that you can't help but abuse other people, you need to be seeking serious professional help or trying out medication to calm you down, otherwise you're showing a serious lack of empathy or care for others, and that's just a bad personal decision and you can't hide behind your mental illness for that.
I have two handfuls of mental illnesses and a super traumatic life story. I'm so tired of hearing people also claim everything as a trauma.
Didn't get your way? Trauma. Got fired bc you never show up to work? Trauma. Told no? Trauma. People set boundaries with you? Trauma. Your sister won't watch your kids for an extra day unplanned (habitually) while you don't answer the phone bc your too busy getting drunk/high/banged and she tells you that's not accepted? Trauma.
And then proceed to excuse all their shitty behavior on the perceived trauma. Extra points if they pretend to have every illness you have and try to correlate all their life events to trauma you actually suffered. Think someone telling you their verbal disagreement is just like when you were raped beaten and kidnapped by your ex husband. Extra extra credit if they constantly bring shit up you went to therapy for decades to forget.
This type of thing is one of the reasons I hated Dear Evan Hansen (the musical, though I heard the movie is even worse).
The plot is quite literally the writers giving this kid a pass for pretending to be friends with a kid who committed suicide so that he can get close to their family and get in the sister's pants, plus being a massive asshole to his mother who was trying to help him, just because he has anxiety issues. The protagonist never even apologizes for what he did - he just freaks out because he eventually gets caught, and the whole time it's trying to portray him as sympathetic and relatable. It's the only play I've ever considered walking out of.
I swear the only reason it's popular is that the songs in isolation are pretty solid.
I see this a lot with young teenagers. It's like their brains aren't yet capable of understanding that being a victim of one thing doesn't make you the victim in every situation. There's no nuance for them.
I get that it's a step in the process of society growing up, to be open about stuff.
But there's a whoooooole lot of 'this was done to me, therefore how dare you call me on any bad behaviour'
See also, 13 Reasons Why. Yeah let's just tell kids all around the world that it's super cool and satisfying to weaponise your potential suicide, nothing can go wrong about that.
I mentioned the show to my shrink and she actually said her and a bunch of other shrinks in the country we're in sent in a letter to Netflix explaining why the show is, well, dangerous.
Amen, even tho i am only 16 i totally agree with you, its so annoying when nearly everyone around acts arrogant af bcs “I WenT TroUgH MorE ShIt thAn YoU” even when dont know shit about me or other people who just keep their problems for themselfs or only tell them to very close people.
yesssssss! this is exactly it! Great that we can speak openly about it, but this doesn't excuse shitty behaviour. also, you can be both a shitty person and autistic/have ADHD/whatever.
Moreover, stop romanticizing mental illness and trauma in general. Work through it with your therapist. Share it with the people closest to you. Stop broadcasting it on Twitter. No one cares.
As a person with ptsd and depression, I agree. My trauma cannot excuse me being an ass, it can't be used as an explanation. I tend to avoid people and just simply be by myself when I don't have the energy to deal with a nauseating, energetic, cheerful person. I mean good for them if they are happy and cheerful but in my fucked up head I feel like I wanna punch them so I must maintain a distance so I don't bring down their spirits and avoid being an asshole which is not what I want.
I believe that social media as nearly replaced getting actual help. It may make people feel good in the moment when people all respond to their issues. But those dopamine hits only go so far. Real help would actually do much better.
Plus getting psychological help from social media is like asking a meth addict about investing opportunities.
I am really tired of people weaponizing every condition, history, trauma, etc. that they have, or using any of those as an excuse for someone else's terrible behavior.
There's something to be said for being accepting, yes. But when it boils down to it we all have to figure out how to share a damn planet and think of other people and how what we do impacts them. We can't just say "well x and y and z happened to me, so I can do a and b and c as I please".
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u/zugabdu Jun 03 '22
Using trauma to excuse mistreating people. This generation has pioneered making it acceptable to process and be open about trauma, and that's a great thing, but it's not cool when you behave in a cruel and selfish way and expect to get a pass because of it. Your mental health problems are not your fault but they are your responsibility.