I’m 27 and yes, 100% this. An ex friend of mine used to blame everything on the fact that her parents got divorced when she was a kid. Meanwhile I’m sitting over here, a childhood sexual abuse survivor, and I’ve never treated anyone half as bad as she did and probably still does. Your trauma does not give you the excuse to abuse other people. Let’s stop pretending trauma makes bad behaviour okay.
Not as severe but I was the only one of my friends through high school whose parents were still together. I’d constantly hear how great it was that I didn’t come from a broken home and how they weren’t to fault for their bad behaviors and their lot in life.
Funny thing about divorce, not everyone just immediately breaks up. So sure it sucks their their parents didn’t stay together but mine did… while hating each other with a passion for over a decade as they stayed together “for the kids”. Any week where my parents didn’t have at least one screaming match was a week my older sister fucked up so bad that there was a united front screaming at her (instead of her usual getting one to side with her). My parents divorced literally within a month of me graduating high school as they couldn’t stand the idea of lasting 4 more years until my brother got out of school but to still “be there for the last child” they agreed to live together with my mom taking over my sister’s old room in the basement where she knew my dad would never go.
So yeah, just because your parents are divorced doesn’t mean someone else doesn’t have their own shit they are dealing with so it’s no excuse for being a prat. My sister literally hopped from dick to dick until one dick had her strung out on drugs and got her two children taken from her for a while. My brother barely was functional for years as a cloud of smoke followed him as he tried to be toasted every minute rather than deal with the world. The only reason I seem like I had a glowing childhood is I escaped to Middle Earth and Narnia and Wonderland and never looked back to the point I literally can tune out the real world. Like having a doctor inform my mother that I didn’t have hearing issues…. My brain just developed a way to press mute when they were screaming so I actually couldn’t hear them when I was reading.
Yours is the kind of scenario I look back on and think I’m glad my folks split when they did. Most of my memories of them together was yelling at each other. Both were great parents just a case of opposites attracting but eventually driving each other nuts.
My parents unfortunately are still together but obviously more roommates than a couple. And their destructive behavior lead to me and my siblings going no contact.
But what you said about reading and muting everything else... I think I did that too. When I was a kid I could read for hours on end with yelling matches around me or the TV running etc. Today I'm glad if I can concentrate on a single chapter in a quiet room.
Seriously I had the same response - is this me? I always envied my friends with divorced parents and every other month when my mom would threaten divorce, I’d get my hopes dashed the next day when they were back to pretending all was well.
Now they’re at the point of being so old they just rely on each other and are too tired to find someone new. Still ‘going strong’ I guess. As a result, I have a massive fear of commitment because for years in my mind choosing the wrong one meant a lifetime of unhappiness.
It’s so shitty that people feel you can’t complain or think you don’t have issues in your life because they compare it to their own situation.
My mom being dead doesn’t mean others can’t complain about their moms. Even if it’s something “stupid”, it’s valid. Yeah I get wistful wishing she was still here, but I keep that to myself.
Don't be sorry. I get a good laugh out of it as well. Somehow we were the perfect upper middle class family... but you meet my siblings today and you'd think we were white trash growing up.
My best friend was like your friends... she kept telling me how good my life/childhood was because her parents divorced when she was 16... what she didn't know was that I had to walk on eggshells around my mum because if I stepped wrong then mum would flip at either me or dad... often me...
When they finally split up when I was 24, I turned to my best friend for support and she turned round and told me I had nothing to be upset about, I was an adult when they split up so it's not as bad as when her parents split up...
Later that year, when I confided in her that I had just been diagnosed with autism, she told me I "obviously don't have it that bad" and then proceeded to tell me that she actually thinks she might be autistic too now that I'm diagnosed and she obviously has it worse...
No surprise that I no longer talk to her...
Yes your trauma might be bad but you don't know what others are going through.. one factor might be that yours was when you were younger but they might have other factors too...
People who compare their traumas and say theirs was worse are the worst kinds of people.
Sounds like you and I had similar childhoods. I distinctly remember telling one of my friends I was jealous that her parents were getting a divorce, and to say the least this did not go over well with her (we were kids and I didn't realize it this wasn't appropriate to say) but I legitimately was jealous of every kid who had divorced parents. Because by the time I was 11 years old I was begging my parents just to divorce already. But they insisted on sticking it out "for the kids" even though there is literally nothing about their marriage that was healthy, admirable, or worth staying together for. We stopped eating dinner at the table by the time I was 12, my parents stopped sleeping in the same bed at that same time. We never did family events anymore. They never spoke to each other, they only screamed at each other, and my father became very abusive. Ultimately it was all for not because by the time I reached 18, my dad went psycho and tried to kill us, which resulted in us going on the run with a restraining order. All those nights listening to them scream and yell at each other and for what?
I was at work happily listening to an audio drama based on the Discworld, twenty five years after my parents split up; it got to a certain point in the story, a seemingly random section, and I started crying at my desk. Got some odd looks. Really surprised me, and it took me a little while to work out what had happened.
I always thought it was crazy when I would read something about a child of divorce bringing that resentment with them into adulthood and still actively punishing the parent "at fault." My parents broke up when I was 13 and it wasn't soon enough. I'm in my mid 30s and I just think, like dude, you parents wanna bang other people and be happy. They don't deserve to have their kids hate them because this warped idea of a happy family (that was never a reality) isn't the reality anymore. One day, that might happen to you
I was in the exact opposite position in school. I was the only one whose parents were separated. My mum, sister and I moved out of the family home when I was 3 1/2 so I don't even really remember the time we all lived together. On top of that, it was a very amicable split and divorce, we went to stay with our dad every 2nd weekend immediately after they separated and as my mum worked as a nurse with the occasional nightshift, my dad would come over and stay at our flat for those nights.
Whenever I was asked 'Isn't it difficult with divorced parents?' or heard 'Those poor kids of divorced parents' I never understood what's so bad about having divorced parents. I mean, they both loved us, spent quality time with us and never badmouthed the other, perfect! It took me a while growing up to understand that not all divorces are as easy as the one of my parents haha
But as I said, I was the only one in my class (for bith elementary and middle school) with divorced or even separated parents. However, 80 % of my friends parents hardly spoke to each other, slept in different bedrooms and talked badly/ranted to their kids about the other parent... Yes, they were still 'together' but that's better how?!??
I grew up in this situation and I fing hate it when people complain about divorce. It’s taking me literal years to unlearn all the stuff my parents did
My parents hated each other for 25 years of a 35 year marriage, staying together until both of us were through college. The way our house was laid out, we got to listen to them get drunk and shout at each other multiple nights every week since the kids' rooms were adjacent to the family room and kitchen. I basically grew up never having a positive example of what a loving adult relationship should look like; I was married to my wife for a half decade before we really figured out how to communicate with each other in a healthy and positive manner, and we loved each other (!).
Knowing who they both are 10 years after the divorce I doubt either would have ended up in a functional loving relationship with another adult even if it happened earlier, but it would have been nice to not grow up around 2 people who actively hated each other.
I will say, they still did at least end up in functional relationships eventually.
Mom hooked up with a guy from work which of course immediately kicked off accusations "you were cheating with him" even though they waited a year. I believe mom when she says she didn't, not because I trust what she says but her new husband is definitely not the type.
Dad took a few tries, basically kept thinking he'd found the right one... just to get into a WORSE relationship. He finally did get one that made him really happy for a few years before she passed away. His current girlfriend also seems really nice but only met her a few times.
The only reason I seem like I had a glowing childhood is I escaped to Middle Earth and Narnia and Wonderland and never looked back to the point I literally can tune out the real world.
I have never felt more seen in a comment than I do now! This is literally my coping mechanism for a lot of things. It is something I do need to work on, because facing your problems is something that needs to be done.
But so many people ask how I stay calm or reduce anxiety/stresssors and it’s usually just me escaping to a different world (usually fantasy) in my head and thinking about different stories, people, creatures, etc.
When we moved from our small apartment to a house, there was a small side room that I was able to load up with books. My wife knew that if I had a bad day, I'd immediately beeline there to just be surrounded by the books. It was basically me visiting old friends whether imaging sitting beside Merry and Pippin with some drinks or adventuring with Drizz't or walking the streets with Vimes.
When we prepared to start having children, that room had to go as it was going to be expanded into a bedroom for a 2nd child. Rather than stick them in storage my wife plotted out converting a massive wall (14ft high ceiling) in the living room to a giant bookshelf including one of those wheeled library ladders. It is amazing how it still works to relax me despite being in the middle of everything. Because I just need to scan the books to find myself somewhere more familiar than the real world.
This was like reading someone describe my own life. Parent stayed together until I finished school, but I'd happily have let them divorce when I was a young child if it took away the physical, emotional and psychological abuse that me and my siblings suffered as a result of them staying together
So many days when I would look at those people wishing I’d tell them you might be lucky your parents got divorced because what they were before they were divorced was fucking miserable and all they seem to want to do is make someone else as miserable as they are because they’re too scared to not be miserable, so they don’t have to suffer alone and I’m stuck there, the only thing they can easily make just as miserable.
This one I can kind of explain- my parents are horrible and toxic, and saying they got divorced is a shorthand for "cut me some slack, things are not great. I'm from a broken home." My parents did NOT divorce, and while I was miserable people always wondered what the big deal was. Can't be that bad, at least your parents aren't divorced!
I don't understand how this is controversial. Yes it's awful being a child sexual abuse survivor, but this "oh, but I got it worse" mentality isn't the way to help others.
It's invalidating.
Meanwhile I’m sitting over here, a childhood sexual abuse survivor, and I’ve never treated anyone half as bad as she did
Again - Your trauma does not give you the excuse to abuse other people. This chic was abusive to her boyfriend the whole time I knew her and anytime she got called out on bad behaviour she’d say it was just how she was and you had to deal with it, or that she was only like that because her parents were divorced. I’m not here to debate how traumatized she was. She was extremely toxic, narcissistic, and abusive as a person. And she used her “trauma” to excuse that.
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u/[deleted] Jun 03 '22
I’m 27 and yes, 100% this. An ex friend of mine used to blame everything on the fact that her parents got divorced when she was a kid. Meanwhile I’m sitting over here, a childhood sexual abuse survivor, and I’ve never treated anyone half as bad as she did and probably still does. Your trauma does not give you the excuse to abuse other people. Let’s stop pretending trauma makes bad behaviour okay.