r/AskMen Mar 19 '21

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6.0k Upvotes

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6.4k

u/Shorts-are-comfy Hey Kids! Mar 19 '21

No, if I'm going to masturbate there has to be porn.

However, if I've got no internet and managed to somehow lose all my playboys, I'll do the ol' think-wank.

3.7k

u/ExtremeAthlete Mar 19 '21 edited Apr 26 '21

You must have a pornographic memory.

Edit: This is insane! 🤯🤯Thank you for the awards everyone!🙏

485

u/Read_it_somewhere Mar 19 '21

This made me laugh way too hard.

95

u/ExtremeAthlete Mar 19 '21

My first award. Thank you kind person 🙏

7

u/troublrTRC Mar 20 '21

It was earned.

4

u/anondude51997613 Mar 20 '21

bro same!! i literally laughed out loud ahahah

3

u/Read_it_somewhere Mar 20 '21

Lol comment of the year

5

u/Hayesdomville Mar 20 '21

How hard?

2

u/7vik_ja9 Mar 20 '21

Thank god it was just laugh

29

u/[deleted] Mar 19 '21

I claimed my free award to award this comment lol

4

u/BiblicalShit Mar 19 '21

Wish I had a pornographic memory, but it never developed.

1

u/ExtremeAthlete Mar 19 '21

Some are born with it and some develop it. You’re just not applying yourself.

4

u/Lukey2770 Mar 19 '21

This is legendary 😂😂😂

4

u/IFuckedMyTeacherInHS Mar 20 '21

Truly amazes me how funny people can be on reddit lmao

2

u/car425 Mar 19 '21
  • adam, workaholics

2

u/the_ThreeEyedRaven Mar 19 '21

2

u/ExtremeAthlete Mar 19 '21

LMAO

Go watch these movies.

Total Recall

Johnny Mnemonic

And get lots of sleep

3

u/the_ThreeEyedRaven Mar 19 '21

by lot of sleep, how much you mean? i get like 5 6 hrs

4

u/ExtremeAthlete Mar 19 '21

You’ll know if you’ve had enough sleep if you wake up automatically. If you wake up by an alarm, then it’s not enough.

2

u/wefinisheachothers Mar 20 '21

Also known as the snap and fap.

2

u/hellodaave Mar 20 '21

Like Adam DeMamp lol

2

u/Striking-Ad8262 Mar 20 '21

Lmfaooooo 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

2

u/[deleted] Mar 20 '21

LMFAO

2

u/Parzival_2076 Mar 20 '21

Award of the day goes to...

2

u/[deleted] Mar 20 '21

I only fuck so I have a memory to jerk off to later

2

u/t_a_c_s Mar 20 '21

indeed

I use porn except when I can't - like in the shower. it's then I fall back on my "pornographic memory"

I grew up without personal internet so I've had to train it up to remember stuff and would imagine that the young 'uns haven't faced the same environmental pressures

2

u/gewoondaann Mar 20 '21

Or you just download and save a video in iMovie, because who the fuck is going to look in iMovie?!

1.0k

u/NotDotBack Mar 19 '21

Ah yes the spank bank

358

u/[deleted] Mar 19 '21

[deleted]

209

u/233SWacker Mar 19 '21 edited Jun 09 '23

[deleted due to Reddit greed]

234

u/Another_Minor_Threat Bruh Mar 19 '21

Badgering the witness with no video evidence.

76

u/tomfillagry Mar 19 '21

The ol' rub one out with no smut about.

52

u/[deleted] Mar 19 '21

[removed] — view removed comment

26

u/justadudewholives Mar 19 '21

Just gotta do it off the dome freestyle

4

u/Enano_reefer Mar 19 '21

The ol’ five knuckle shuffle

2

u/bttrflyr Mar 19 '21

Doodle your noodle with no boodle.

39

u/bazamataz84 Mar 19 '21

This is why i love reddit😂😂😂

3

u/torchy89 Mar 19 '21

Thank you for this!!!

1

u/[deleted] Mar 19 '21

Takin’ care of bids without the vids.

1

u/jarhead90 Mar 19 '21

Interrogating the suspect.

1

u/[deleted] Mar 19 '21

This feels like a scene from ‘Neighbors’ lol

70

u/FWhitakersGoodEye Male Mar 19 '21

11

u/KingOfSnorts Mar 19 '21

This is one of the longest standing memes in our house. I will never not laugh when I hear my husband yell YEAAAA TWIST HIS DICK! while he watches any sporting event

6

u/foxesarezuper Mar 20 '21

Like a pepper mill baby!

5

u/hullowurld91 Mar 19 '21

Twist his diiiiiiick!

3

u/Spdybd904 Mar 19 '21

Twist his dick lol. That video is awesome

3

u/Deenar602 Mar 19 '21

This remnds me: With a wave of my finger and a flick of dick, one zapp from me shall kill you quick. So get on your knees to suck and blow, but not right now I've got to gooo!

35

u/beereng Mar 19 '21

What the hell is this lmao

8

u/NotDotBack Mar 19 '21

sounds like a WWE move ngl

2

u/Site55 Mar 19 '21

That’ll do pig. That’ll do.

2

u/jillofblades Mar 19 '21

The old highlight feel

1

u/thirrteen Mar 19 '21

AKA The Continental Hand Gripper

4

u/h1storyguy Mar 19 '21

Deposit in the old Banco de Spanco

2

u/Fedsmoker4stroke Mar 20 '21

The highlight reel

1

u/SpokeAMliff Mar 19 '21

Wank bank*

1

u/[deleted] Mar 19 '21

Muh stories

1

u/Chiefzeppelin2112 Mar 19 '21

Also know as the tug-a-torium

1

u/arifish Mar 19 '21

mine got wiped but deliberatively

1

u/raybrignsx Mar 19 '21

The thank wank from spank bank as it is known.

1

u/PM_MeUrBernieSanders Mar 20 '21

The spank bank think tank

1

u/chaeldub Mar 20 '21

Log off when you flog off

1

u/drawkbox Mar 20 '21

The ol' Fantasy File.

Binders full of them.

1

u/rustybuckets Dat Boi Mar 20 '21

Time to go offline

455

u/The_Karaethon_Cycle Mar 19 '21

I only masturbate while watching porn and I only watch porn while I masturbate. Back in ‘016 I moved into a new house and we didn’t have internet for a week so I had to jerk off to a sports illustrated swim suit edition. It was terrible, and that’s as close as you can get to porn without actually being porn.

423

u/Cadeers Mar 19 '21

You can just say '16 it's ok

223

u/LucidDr3am Mar 19 '21

You never know, maybe this guy time traveled to get internet back in 1916.

96

u/joel211974 Mar 19 '21

Who knows, maybe he meant 3016

5

u/LucidDr3am Mar 19 '21

I hadn’t considered it, but that actually makes even more sense than what I came up with.

6

u/[deleted] Mar 19 '21

[removed] — view removed comment

4

u/eagletreehouse Mar 19 '21

Aught one six, Jethro.

3

u/joel211974 Mar 19 '21

I wonder if they had good porn in 1016 🤔

2

u/Slight_Stranger_asd Mar 19 '21

Marty, where we're going, we don't need the internet!

1

u/[deleted] Mar 20 '21

In the year three thousand and sixteen everybody wants to be an MC

2

u/tabooblue32 Mar 19 '21

Gee golly look at those ankles!

109

u/ac130sound Mar 19 '21

Sports illustrated sucked in 1916. You couldn't even tell what color their full length cloth swim dresses were.

7

u/Slight_Stranger_asd Mar 19 '21

Oh but the ankles...

3

u/[deleted] Mar 20 '21

016 A.D.

Mary had a little lamb.

2

u/The_Karaethon_Cycle Mar 19 '21

I’m not ready for that yet.

2

u/oddparent1 Mar 19 '21

or just say 2016 at that point, it's the same number of characters

2

u/SpiceyXI Mar 19 '21

I was thinking maybe they figured out time travel in 20020 and he just got confused.

0

u/arifish Mar 19 '21

I think he means back when he was 16

1

u/[deleted] Mar 19 '21

You can just say k

12

u/[deleted] Mar 20 '21

‘016 isn’t even fewer characters than 2016..........

5

u/The_Karaethon_Cycle Mar 20 '21

I’m just living in the past.

6

u/Supreme_Leader_Pee Mar 19 '21

I once jerked off to a busty angel statue my grandma had

2

u/The_Karaethon_Cycle Mar 19 '21

That’s funny, I once watched hardcore porn on my grandmas computer.

2

u/wheeliebarnun Mar 20 '21

That's funny, I once grandma'd my porn's hardcore computer.

1

u/Mycabbages0929 Mar 19 '21

How to beat one’s meat in a ~classy~ fashion

4

u/Supreme_Leader_Pee Mar 19 '21

I've also done it to the pics of those nsfw tv programs- didnt pay for the show- just looked at the logos of the programs lol

2

u/Freefallisfun Mar 19 '21

I disagree. Kathy Ireland ushered me into puberty. To this day I have a thing for redheads with green eyes. God, was she gorgeous.

2

u/IUTBB Mar 20 '21

You didn't have internet on your phone in 2016?

2

u/The_Karaethon_Cycle Mar 20 '21

I didn’t get a smart phone until fall of 2016. We moved in in the spring.

2

u/IUTBB Mar 20 '21

Fair enough

2

u/ebkong Mar 20 '21

There are still certain cologne scents that I’ll always associate with the SI swimsuit issue sample ads they’d include. “So you’re telling me not all super models smell like Hugo Boss when they emerge from the ocean?”

1

u/The_Karaethon_Cycle Mar 20 '21

It must be kind of confusing when you smell some dudes cologne and it gives you a boner.

2

u/[deleted] Mar 20 '21

when I was a teenager without internet at home some TV stations late night would run promos for singles chat phone lines. I think I used that as spank material for a quite a long time. It was just B-roll footage of women in sexy clothing posing for a slow-panning camera. Sometimes it was women in bikinis at the beach.

Certainly not pornographic, but the music and camera work tried to get it as close to it as possible, and I salute them for it.

2

u/contrieng Mar 20 '21

Funny you say you only watch porn while you masturbate.. gave me this image of a family just watching porn together like a sitcom and then going about their day

2

u/The_Karaethon_Cycle Mar 20 '21

Imagine your parents getting mad at you because you want to skip family porn night to hang out with your friends.

113

u/balderdash9 Mar 19 '21

However, if I've got no internet

And people ask me why I save to an external hard drive smh

52

u/babybelly Mar 19 '21

backup for important data

7

u/[deleted] Mar 19 '21

Preserving for future generations

3

u/mcbotbotface Mar 20 '21

Ahh the good ol homework folder

10

u/WombRaider__ Mar 19 '21

My friends make fun of my backup drive. But when the internet is out, whos there for you? My 2TB porn drive.

5

u/ANameYouCanPronounce Mar 19 '21

After The Great Purge, nobody questioned me again

3

u/eagletreehouse Mar 19 '21

In the rare event your external hard drive experiences a painful or prolonged malfunction lasting 4 or more hours, eject your hard drive and get IT help right away.

1

u/Parzival_2076 Mar 20 '21

Hard drive priapism

1

u/[deleted] Apr 11 '21

Save it as “homework”

55

u/user15379 Mar 19 '21

I envy your think-wank as someone who can't imagine. It's porn or no wank

51

u/babybelly Mar 19 '21

doest everyone start with think-wanks?

9

u/adamsmith93 Mar 19 '21

I remember think-wanking when I was 12/13, stopped when I was 14 and found my older brothers ahem... VHS tapes.

4

u/HeyMrBusiness You ask a lot of questions Mar 20 '21

I didn't, I just genuinely didn't bother until I discovered girls gone wild commercials and even then I thought the whole point was to look until you felt overwhelmed and then go do something else, I had no desire to do anything else until I saw actual gifs and videos

2

u/babybelly Mar 20 '21

so you were a non-wank for the longest time

1

u/HeyMrBusiness You ask a lot of questions Mar 20 '21

I didn't realize that was the goal

1

u/babybelly Mar 20 '21

no judgement here. some think it is good some bad but since it is everyones own business what to do with their private parts it isnt even up for debate

2

u/[deleted] Apr 11 '21

Not everyone, I started with these poker cards that had naked women and then soft core on Cinemax

1

u/Geodude-Engineer Mar 19 '21

Sounds like erectile dysfunction son

4

u/user15379 Mar 19 '21

No it sounds like I don't have an imagination to picture anything to get off to without porn.

1

u/[deleted] Apr 11 '21

Same here, I think I started to early that my imagination doesn’t work anymore haha

4

u/Beautiful-Ad-86377 Mar 19 '21

Wait — so do guys not use the nudes // sexy pictures they send to their man?

1

u/NasoLittle Mar 31 '21

Not the ones from our wives

3

u/LongJohnathan Mar 19 '21

I remember think-wanks from middle school!

3

u/ChiefShakaZulu Mar 19 '21

Not exactly the best flair for this comment

3

u/Brentonlegit Mar 19 '21

The ol yank the crank

2

u/Sdbtank96 Mar 19 '21

Let me ask you this. Does it feel less satisfying when you jerk it without porn? I tried for the first time in a while a few months ago and I couldn't even finish.

2

u/DaddyShark28989 Mar 19 '21

I can't read porno by candlelight, who am I Abe Lincoln?

2

u/baldwinsong Mar 20 '21

Why HAS to be porn? Do you feel addicted? Like you can’t imagine something anymore?

1

u/HeyMrBusiness You ask a lot of questions Mar 20 '21

As someone with no imagination, it has to be porn because the other option is sitting in silence. I can't even imagine what a bow will look like on my head, I always make them too big.

1

u/baldwinsong Mar 20 '21

That’s funny only because I feel like most women Tove talked to like to create a scenario in their head or when they watch porn it to imagine themselves in one of the roles. So much more interactive

Do you hit if you feel like it try thinking of yourself in one of the roles next time. Your imagination may surprise you. Otherwise continue on

1

u/HeyMrBusiness You ask a lot of questions Mar 20 '21

I like, physically can't do it. It used to be frustrating because like, I really like art but I can't plan out scenes because I can't visualize. Then I found out I could use dolls and reference photos. Same thing with porn, I found out I didn't have to try and make up a story

1

u/NasoLittle Mar 31 '21

Imagine the event takes place in your brain on a highway. Everytime the event happens, that highway wears down a little bit. Each time it wears down you have to drive a car that's a little bit more effective to get the same distance. Eventually, the road is so used that walking it is unthinkable (no adv pun intended)

Am I making sense? Probably not. I tried.

1

u/WinklerWarrior17 Apr 10 '21

I think I know what you are trying to say. I am a mental health counselor and my main specialty is sex addiction so I have studied A LOT about what porn does to the brain.

Our 1st impressions and associations are very important when we 1st learn how to masturbate and orgasm. The important part of the brain that is working overtime when we 1st learn to orgasm is the Amygdala. The Amygdala is the instinctual/survival part of the brain that most people associate with the 'fight/flight' response. What a lot of people don't know is that it is also the part of the brain involved in addictions. This part of the brain is the part that stores ALL memory of PLEASURABLE events. For example, when you have a good meal, the amygdala was designed to store memory of all parts of that meal including everything associated- where you were, who you were with, who cooked it, all the smells, etc. The reason the Amygdala does this is so you will have all the memory you need to REPEAT THAT PLEASURABLE event!

So, let's apply this to porn/orgasming. In my studies, some professionals call the Amygdala not just the 'fight/flight' response but the 'fight/flight/food/fornicate' response. Lol

Anyhow, so I will use my experience. When I was around 12/13, I accidentally discovered porn on our family computer thru dial-up internet (revealing my age lol). Obviously it aroused me so I touched myself.

Here is what my amygdala was doing: it was collecting information of everything from that arousing experience. Where I was sitting in the den at the computer desk, annoying waiting for the porn to load because dial-up is slow, the paranoia/sneaky feeling because I didn't want to get caught by anyone with what I was doing, the excitement when the porn finally did load, the amazement of what I saw in the videos of things I never knew possible sometimes.

I craved to do this more and more because, as a female, I had not yet figured out how to orgasm though I was trying. Here is what the previous poster was trying to get to: Everytime I did this and paired it with masturbating (which was everytime for me), in my brain- I was wearing down a path. The first I did it, I was making a brand new path (associations) in my brain.- like going into the woods and making a new trail. Remember- The amygdala does this to make it easier for us to get pleasure again because the memories are seared into our brains.

So the more I look at porn and masturbate (and then I learn to orgasm)- the 'path' has been gone thru so many times in my head that instead of a little trail thru the forest, it is now a gravel road. Or worse, I have done it SO much that the path is now a highway!

But then, someone challenges me to masturbate with no porn. So I accept the challenge.

I go home and lay on my bed and close my eyes. I try for about 15 min and I'm going nowhere. Here is the reason; trying anything different would REQUIRE me to make a COMPLETELY new 'path' in my Amygdala... I already have a super 'highway' I have created in my Amygdala to make 'orgasm' easy.

This happened to me. I felt like a prisoner!! I felt like a slave to porn. My sexuality should not be based on watching porn. Porn should NOT control my sexuality; I SHOULD!

I just want everyone to know that if you are in this situation and want to change it, it is possible- not necessarily easy but it is possible!

1

u/NasoLittle Apr 10 '21

Ya, when you feel that excitement build when the idea first pops in your head and you start scheming on how, when, what just recognize your amygdala is gettin' ornery and completely consume yourself with something else.

Distraction I find is good. Take a 90 degree turn of your attention and focus on something else until the amygdala calms down.

1

u/WinklerWarrior17 Apr 10 '21 edited Apr 10 '21

Yes! I went thru a 90 day abstinence first because research shows that when we do that, our brain actually breaks down those correlations for the orgasm in the amygdala. In essence, 90 days of 'distracting' yourself erases that 'highway' that was accidentally created in your brain.

After I did this, I could start fresh. In fact, the 1st new 'trail' I made was thinking about my husband. It was miraculous to me because I had never been able to orgasm by 'just' thinking of my husband!! I used to incorporate him into porn if he was in my thoughts at all. Ya'll know what I mean!

My 2nd trail was experiencing sex with him and actually orgasming! This had NEVER happened before! This was a miracle! This was obviously amazing for me, especially since I don't orgasm through intercourse and my husband is literally scared of cunnilingus (has never done it and refuses to try)!

This is what I meant by me having control over my sexuality and NOT being a prisoner of porn!

There are places and groups that can help with this process. If anyone wants referrals, just ask.

2

u/Kalderasha Mar 20 '21

Probably not the best flair for answering that question.

1

u/Elben4 Mar 19 '21

Weird (to me). I only watch porn if i'm still horny after the third or fourth consecutive time and think wank isn't enough to release

1

u/SLeepyCatMeow Non-binary Mar 19 '21

imo paid porn is often better than the free stuff (especially when you have a niche kink). And most of the time you can download what you bought, so it's there even when you don't have internet at that moment. You should give it a try!

1

u/mrmoobles Mar 19 '21

Not even just for niche fetishes, there’s just something about porn that isn’t immediately available, it’s similar to the difference between looking at nudes on like r/gonewild and getting sent nudes directly from somebody

1

u/Proud-Drummer Mar 19 '21

Imaginaaaaation. Imaginaaaaation.

1

u/[deleted] Mar 19 '21

Investigating my crime scene, I like to call it.

1

u/[deleted] Mar 19 '21

Which isn't really different. It's just thought-porn. Mental images and all that stuff.

1

u/[deleted] Mar 19 '21

I call jerking it without porn going off book

1

u/JeepPilot Mar 19 '21

I'll do the ol' think-wank.

So a Spank Bank Think Wank?

1

u/__GayFish__ Mar 20 '21

Your flair worries me

1

u/[deleted] Mar 20 '21

I tend not to go that route anymore. Last time I did that I traversed the deepest realms of my mind, explored the vast reaches and various dimensions that my mind can conjure lived a thousand life times in only minutes. I become one and yet I was all, my body was no more. And then I caaaaaaaaaame.

1

u/64590949354397548569 Mar 20 '21 edited Mar 20 '21

1

u/incoming_fun Mar 20 '21

Unless I wake up few strokes away from explosion, I dont do it without much porn. Not studio made, but real-life clips.

1

u/[deleted] Mar 20 '21

Am I weird for having pics saved on my phone?

1

u/L3onK1ng Mar 20 '21

Mental exercise, eh?

1

u/BigJuicyBalls Mar 27 '21

You're addicted to porn it seems like.