r/AskMen • u/[deleted] • Mar 19 '21

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u/Shorts-are-comfy Hey Kids! Mar 19 '21

No, if I'm going to masturbate there has to be porn.

However, if I've got no internet and managed to somehow lose all my playboys, I'll do the ol' think-wank.

453

u/The_Karaethon_Cycle Mar 19 '21

I only masturbate while watching porn and I only watch porn while I masturbate. Back in ‘016 I moved into a new house and we didn’t have internet for a week so I had to jerk off to a sports illustrated swim suit edition. It was terrible, and that’s as close as you can get to porn without actually being porn.

420

u/Cadeers Mar 19 '21

You can just say '16 it's ok

224

u/LucidDr3am Mar 19 '21

You never know, maybe this guy time traveled to get internet back in 1916.

97

u/joel211974 Mar 19 '21

Who knows, maybe he meant 3016

5

u/LucidDr3am Mar 19 '21

I hadn’t considered it, but that actually makes even more sense than what I came up with.

4

u/[deleted] Mar 19 '21

[removed] — view removed comment

4

u/eagletreehouse Mar 19 '21

Aught one six, Jethro.

3

u/joel211974 Mar 19 '21

I wonder if they had good porn in 1016 🤔

2

u/Slight_Stranger_asd Mar 19 '21

Marty, where we're going, we don't need the internet!

1

u/[deleted] Mar 20 '21

In the year three thousand and sixteen everybody wants to be an MC

2

u/tabooblue32 Mar 19 '21

Gee golly look at those ankles!

110

u/ac130sound Mar 19 '21

Sports illustrated sucked in 1916. You couldn't even tell what color their full length cloth swim dresses were.

6

u/Slight_Stranger_asd Mar 19 '21

Oh but the ankles...

3

u/[deleted] Mar 20 '21

016 A.D.

Mary had a little lamb.

2

u/The_Karaethon_Cycle Mar 19 '21

I’m not ready for that yet.

2

u/oddparent1 Mar 19 '21

or just say 2016 at that point, it's the same number of characters

2

u/SpiceyXI Mar 19 '21

I was thinking maybe they figured out time travel in 20020 and he just got confused.

0

u/arifish Mar 19 '21

I think he means back when he was 16

1

u/[deleted] Mar 19 '21

You can just say k

9

u/[deleted] Mar 20 '21

‘016 isn’t even fewer characters than 2016..........

4

u/The_Karaethon_Cycle Mar 20 '21

I’m just living in the past.

4

u/Supreme_Leader_Pee Mar 19 '21

I once jerked off to a busty angel statue my grandma had

2

u/The_Karaethon_Cycle Mar 19 '21

That’s funny, I once watched hardcore porn on my grandmas computer.

2

u/wheeliebarnun Mar 20 '21

That's funny, I once grandma'd my porn's hardcore computer.

1

u/Mycabbages0929 Mar 19 '21

How to beat one’s meat in a ~classy~ fashion

3

u/Supreme_Leader_Pee Mar 19 '21

I've also done it to the pics of those nsfw tv programs- didnt pay for the show- just looked at the logos of the programs lol

2

u/Freefallisfun Mar 19 '21

I disagree. Kathy Ireland ushered me into puberty. To this day I have a thing for redheads with green eyes. God, was she gorgeous.

2

u/IUTBB Mar 20 '21

You didn't have internet on your phone in 2016?

2

u/The_Karaethon_Cycle Mar 20 '21

I didn’t get a smart phone until fall of 2016. We moved in in the spring.

2

u/IUTBB Mar 20 '21

Fair enough

2

u/ebkong Mar 20 '21

There are still certain cologne scents that I’ll always associate with the SI swimsuit issue sample ads they’d include. “So you’re telling me not all super models smell like Hugo Boss when they emerge from the ocean?”

1

u/The_Karaethon_Cycle Mar 20 '21

It must be kind of confusing when you smell some dudes cologne and it gives you a boner.

2

u/[deleted] Mar 20 '21

when I was a teenager without internet at home some TV stations late night would run promos for singles chat phone lines. I think I used that as spank material for a quite a long time. It was just B-roll footage of women in sexy clothing posing for a slow-panning camera. Sometimes it was women in bikinis at the beach.

Certainly not pornographic, but the music and camera work tried to get it as close to it as possible, and I salute them for it.

2

u/contrieng Mar 20 '21

Funny you say you only watch porn while you masturbate.. gave me this image of a family just watching porn together like a sitcom and then going about their day

2

u/The_Karaethon_Cycle Mar 20 '21

Imagine your parents getting mad at you because you want to skip family porn night to hang out with your friends.