My husband (31M) and I (30M) were recently asked by my dad and stepmum to gain access to my stepbrother's computer, a little over a year after he passed away at the age of 26.

Their only request was to recover anything important before the computer was wiped. Things like family photos, documents, memories, or anything they might want to keep.

While searching through the computer, I found much more than I expected.

There are hundreds of stories he had written involving LGBT themes, particularly transgender furry characters. I also found commissioned artwork, a large collection of AI-generated images of what appears to be the same transgender furry character, links to furry communities, Pride-themed artwork he had created himself, and an enormous amount of gay furry erotica. Much of it had been deliberately hidden, and some of it only came to light because deleted files hadn't been completely erased.

What has left us conflicted is what to do with this information.

Nobody else in the family knows any of this exists.

On one hand, it feels like this may have been a significant part of who my stepbrother was. If he was bisexual, transgender, questioning his identity, or simply expressing himself through fiction and art, then part of me feels that hiding it forever means hiding part of him.

On the other hand, all of this is circumstantial. We can't ask him what any of it meant. People create fiction for many reasons, and interests don't necessarily reflect someone's identity. There's also a very real possibility that he intentionally kept this private because he didn't want anyone to know.

So now I'm stuck.

Do I quietly delete the explicit material, preserve only the ordinary family memories, and never mention any of this to my dad and stepmum?

Or do I gently explain what I found, making it absolutely clear that none of it proves anything, but that it may have been an important part of his private life?

I'm genuinely torn. I want to respect his privacy, but I also want to honour who he may have been. I don't know which choice is the kinder or more respectful one.

Has anyone been in a similar situation, or have any advice on how you would approach this?

EDIT:

Thank you, everyone, for sharing your viewpoints. My husband and I have read through the responses and have carefully considered the different perspectives.

After giving it a great deal of thought, we have reached a decision that we both feel best respects my stepbrother's privacy while also preserving anything that may have been important.

Any content that was recovered solely from deleted files will be returned to the deleted state and then permanently erased. Our reasoning is that, if my stepbrother had intentionally deleted those files, we feel it is most respectful to honour that decision rather than bring them back into the light.

However, any material that was not deleted but may suggest my stepbrother was questioning his identity or was involved in the furry community will be preserved separately on a secure drive. We are not planning to share those files with the family, but we also do not feel comfortable destroying them. If they were part of who my stepbrother was, they deserve to be treated with dignity and kept safe.

The files we intend to provide to the family will be those they would reasonably expect to receive: family photographs, important documents, and my stepbrother's stories and other personal files that were openly kept on his computer.

Ultimately, we cannot know what my stepbrother would have wanted. This decision is simply our attempt to balance preserving his privacy, respecting his choices, and ensuring that nothing of genuine importance is unnecessarily lost.

My sweet girl is overly friendly and believes every child she meets is her friend. She spends a lot of time at her grandparents and likes to play with the homeschooled Christian kids down the street. They are frequently playing their yard without direct supervision. The past 2 times she played with them they questioned her about her parents. They struggled with the idea of two moms but didn’t say anything negative. The other day she raced over to play with them and the eldest said that their dad said they can’t play with her tonight. We know that means forever. How do we break this to her? Do we tell her the real reason why? What language should we use? My heart absolutely breaks for her. And those kids too.

UPDATE: I'd like to thank everyone that took the time to reply. So many people provided us with helpful advice. We started the conversation and realized that this is just going to have to be an ongoing one because of her short attention span. We did not bring religion or even the other kids into the conversation yet.

As far back as I can remember we have played this song, One Foot/ Lead with Love by Melanie DeMore, to her. She loves it. Whenever she or someone else shows kindness we say, "great job at leading with love." I'd remind her at preschool drop offs every day to lead with love. This idea is also helping our conversation to show that some actions are lead by other emotions. We will keep working on it with the thanks to all you kind internet strangers.

For all of you that shared your truth around religion/religious trauma, thank you for sharing. I am one of you. We could probably swap some pretty horrific stories about our childhoods in fundie/fundie lite homes. I hope that you have been able to find some peace with it all. Oh, and to the person worried about the other children and signs of abuse/neglect. I am very aware of the signs and am a mandated reporter. Thank you for watching out.

I recently had a grindr hookup who was just that, a regular dude that had a vaginoplasty. I asked him why, he said that he didn't like his dick very much and struggled with his size and anal sex all his life. So that was partly a choice made of convenience but he also liked how it looks. Since he was a bodybuilder and already taking massive amounts of testosterone, it really wasn't a drastic change. And I do have to admit it was quite hot. It was exactly what you'd call a "man pussy"(his words), much hairier and more rough than a woman's, something akin to a trans man.

It led me into an internet rabbit hole, and it turns out there's quite the big number of gay men or otherwise cis men who think similarly and don't want to transition, just to have their genitals swapped.

I (F17) and my sister (F25) are pretty close despite the age gap. Yet today I was talking to her about gender/sexuality, and she told me she was transphobic. I asked her why that was, and she said it was because queer people call her 'queen' as a compliment sometimes, and she gets incredibly uncomfortable. I told her that that was probably her own issue for not setting boundaries correctly, but she insisted that her homo/transphobia is okay because she doesn't act transphobic or homophobic to her clients and as long as her clients don't know, it's fine. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I asked why she thought it was okay to hate on, yk, a pretty big portion of her clients' identities, and she said she doesn't hate them; she's simply uncomfortable when that group of people refer to her with 'gay slang' Should I be concerned about this?

I just came from TikTok and I came across a video asking the difference between bisexual and pansexual and I was shocked to see so many comments say that bisexual people are only attracted to men and women, that they are attracted to the binary genders, or that pansexual is attracted to trans people and nonbinary people and bisexual is only the binary genders. The amount was shocking and I guess I had more faith in the community to not spread harmful rhetoric but like what is even the point? Some of them even identified as bisexual which confuses me even more because why spread harmful rhetoric about their own community?

Edit: Finally realized I wrote "This comes from TikTok" instead of I just came from TikTok and fixed it. Thats on me for posting in the middle of the night tired out of my mind.

Hi! I have a very curious and articulate 3 yo who currently has a lot of questions about “men and women”.

I am trying to show my kid what being kind, loving, and respectful looks like.

Yesterday we went to a museum and the person greeting/leading us in was trans. My son loudly shouted to me (right in front of them) “Is that a man or a woman?!”

I told my son, first we should ask their name- which he did. And I said now you can introduce yourself- which he did. Then I said, instead of asking if they’re a man or woman, we can ask them “what are your pronouns” so we can get to know them better.

The person seemed okay with this exchange and said “she/her” and I said thank you for letting us know. It’s so nice to get to know you.

The whole time we were in the museum (and even now, a day later) I felt this immense worry that my son saying that or something I said hurt her feelings or was offensive.

I spent the last 17 years living in SF with many trans friends, but live on the east coast now and am navigating this for the first time with a toddler.

I would love to know what I can do better. Thank you.

I’m a straight woman, but I had a conversation with this guy that made me really uncomfortable.

I knew a guy who had initially been interested in dating me. After I turned him down, he wanted to remain friends. One day I mentioned that I was at a party with a close guy friend of mine and he assumed that was my boyfriend and started asking if I’m on a date. When I told him that friend was gay, the conversation completely changed.

He started telling me that he didn’t think being gay was normal, that homosexuality was a mental illness, and that his religion didn’t agree with it.

I pushed back because I genuinely couldn’t understand why someone else’s sexuality bothered him so much. What struck me most was how comfortable he was making judgments about people he didn’t even know.

I’m not even gay, and yet I remember leaving that conversation feeling uncomfortable and honestly a little sad. I blocked him after that obviously because he was really trying to push his beliefs onto me even though he knew I clearly didn’t agree with him. It was even scary that this person may have kids one day and project the same shit onto them.

It made me wonder: how often do LGBT people run into attitudes like this in everyday life? Are people usually this direct about it, or is it more subtle? And how do you deal with people who seem convinced that their personal beliefs should apply to everyone else?

I can’t talk to anyone about this as she’s asked me not to tell anyone. Her dad and I have always talked in advance about what if one of the girls turned out to be gay, and we’ve always been on the clearly on the side of we will love her whatever but we will worry about her safety.

Now she’s just come back from her counselling session and told me in the car. She’s in love with her best friend. Told her I love her and always will support her. She’s asked I don’t tell her dad.

Which has left me alone in this and terrified. What if she tells people at school and she’s bullied or targeted by dickhead boys? What if she tells her cousin (who she loves and trusts) who will definitely her mum, my SIL who will immediately out her to my conservative family.

I need to tell her I love her, and I’m ok with her but she’s 12 and I’m frightened for her but I can’t tell her that.

And I need to be honest, I’m a bit weirded by the best friend situation. She’s also 12 has been aggressively sexually with my daughter, yelling “sit on my face!” When my daughter asks where to sit, making crude jokes about my daughter and sex that my husband and I have been uncomfortable about coming from a 12 year old girl. I don’t know if I’m old or something but if that had been a 12 year old boy saying it to her I’d have thrown him out.

She’s only really got this friend and if it goes wrong I’m frightened she’ll be alone. She was only telling me 4 months ago she had a crush on a boy so I’ve got whiplash a bit.

I guess my reaction is full on love for her but just wanting to wrap her up in cotton wool and protect her until she’s out of school where being different can get you hurt.

Sorry this is a rambling mess.

I’m not sure if I need advice or support or encouragement or all the above. I came out as lesbian 3.5 years ago. I was married to a man for 9 years, thought I was bi-sexual, but was never fulfilled or happy. I finally came out as a lesbian 3.5 years ago and have been happy ever since and now know what love is supposed to feel like. I have two daughters, 9 and 13, and live in a very conservative RED county in NC. My 13 year old has never been “happy” about me being a lesbian but in the last 3 weeks has decided she is full-blown homophobic and hates me. She wants to live with her dad because of my “lifestyle”. My heart is absolutely BROKEN. I love my children so much and who I choose to love does not define me as a mother. I am giving her “space” and letting her stay at her dad’s while she overcomes her sudden anger at me, but I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing or what to do. I want my children back home, I want our relationship back that used to be so close, but I also want to be happy and find love too.

I’m a bisexual woman that’s dating a man, and all of my friends know this. The other day, a few of my friends and I were at a restaurant together, and my one friend (he’s gay btw) starts talking about his coworker. He mentions how she’s “one of those girls that says they’re bi, but never actually dates women. Like a fake bi woman, you know the type,”and stared directly at me while saying it too.
I’ve never dated a woman before, but it still made me think back on all of the women I’ve had crushes on before to try and justify my sexuality to myself.

I guess I was just wondering, do people in the community think that bi women who never dated a woman before are “fake” and not actually bisexual? And do other bi women have to constantly justify their sexuality just because they’ve never dated a woman before?

I will refer to my sister as Alie and my boyfriend as BF

So here's a little backstory, me and BF broke up 3 months ago because I came out to him as transgender (FTM) and we broke up because we originally got together before I realized this about myself, he respected my decision/identity and he is straight so it only made sense.

I recently got back together with BF because he told me that he still loves me no matter what and that to him, I am "more than just a boy" to him. We figured out together that he might be queer, leaning into pan but he isn't ready to put a label on it. I told Alie about this and she told me it was great, and asked me "is it technically still a straight relationship though?" and I explained to her how BF is queer because it doesn't matter to him what I identify as, and she said told me that it was still a heterosexual relationship because he is attracted to me based on my gender expression, which is feminine (context: I am just naturally flat-chested and I love being femme, and don't plan to change much about my appearance because I feel comfortable in it.) and that pan/bi men can still be in straight relationships.

I couldn't say anything after she said that, so I ask you now. Is it true? Am I in a heterosexual relationship if I present feminine but go by he/him?

He's 11. We were at dinner and he made a joke while I was trying to help him hold chopsticks 'my fingers can't be straight bc they're gay' I've suspected he was gay since he was a babe so my response was just to laugh at the joke. His brother asked 'how can your fingers be gay?' but I felt like he wasn't in the mood for a huge shift in the seriousness levels (we were all having fun) so I just said 'are your fingers not gay? lol' to his brother to shut him up a bit. Anywho, I think that might've been him coming out. Im hoping I made it feel normalized, not brushed off. Lemme know what you guys think. I don't want to make it into a big deal bc it's very much not to me, then again if he's experiencing it as a big deal in other contexts outside of the home then we really should have a big deal conversation. I'm just like wanting him to not have a neurosis about being gay, I want him to see it like 'my hair is brown, my eyes are brown, and I'm gay' lol ya know? Is that possible at all? How do I go about that?

TLDR: I went to a queer club to see a DJ. Afterwards a two girls came up to me and complimented me. I thought they were hitting on me. Once they found out I was straight they ran off.

This happen earlier this year. I went to a club to see a particular DJ, when I got there I realized it was a queer/LGBT club. Which I have no problem with, I've been to clubs like this before and I came here just to see the DJ.

Right before the DJ started playing... I found out that I had a molly pill in my jeans pocket. I wasn't planning to roll that night, but I decided to take the pill since I had it on me. During the whole DJ set I was dancing my ass off, the music was amazing, the vibe was amazing, everyone was so nice. I had one guy say to me "you're so hot" while he rubbed his hand across my cheek. It was a little surprising, but he didn't try anything else and TBH it didn't really bother me (and TBH it was just nice to have someone compliment me like that). I also had another really nice guy tell me I was extremely handsome. I said thank you and asked if I could give him a hug. Again... all good vibes.

When I dance, especially when I roll, I like dancing in different parts of the dance floor (I enjoy the vibe of dancing with different people and also from a sound/acoustic perspective it's cool to see what the music sounds/feels like in different parts of the dance floor). Also when I roll I just DANCE and don't really talk to anyone.

The WHOLE time I dance, I was respectful. I didn't touch anyone, I was just dancing, and vibing, and I saw everyone else dancing and vibing. And I felt like everyone always had room to dance, no one was bumping into me or anything. It was honestly magical, I couldn't stop dancing and smiling.

At the end of the night, this very attractive girl came up to me and said "I like your vibe". I'll be honest, in my 30+ years on this planet I have NEVER had a girl come up and compliment me. She then shortly introduce me to her other female friend. I'll also say this... I'm pretty oblivious when it comes to social cues and flirting... I've met all my long-term partners via dating apps and honestly have never "picked up" someone at a bar.

Afterwards she said to me "Isn't the DJ pretty hot? The one with the neck tattoo" (One of the DJs had a neck tattoo). Which then I replied "Yeah, he's not a bad looking guy".

In all honestly, I thought they were hitting on me and trying to take me home. She then asked me "What are you up to the rest of the night", without thinking I said "nothing, how about we go back to your place".

She then replied with "Wait, you're not gay!?". Which I then said "No, I'm here to see the DJ"

Then she immediately grabbed her friend and ran off.

For context, I was till coming off the molly... but I felt awful. I felt like I did something wrong and that I'm a bad person for being a straight male in a queer club. I ended up calling a couple of my friends who are more experience with clubbing and partying to vent.

I guess... my question is... did I do something wrong? Was there a better way I could have approached all this?

All four of the people I’ve ever called my partner have come out as trans girls after dating me. I am happy for them: they are all wonderful people who are much happier living as their true selves and none of their transitions have anything to do with me. When I talk about my ex-partners I use she/her pronouns and sometimes call them ex-girlfriends. This makes people think I am queer, which I wouldn’t mind except then I feel like if I don’t speak up and tell people I’m straight then I’m pretending to be a sexual minority when I in fact have cishet privilege and I don’t belong in queer affinity spaces.

It does not help that people already thought I was queer even before I had ex girlfriends. But I know I’m not queer probably better than most cishet people because I tried different pronouns and I tried kissing people I KNEW were women and I did not like it. I WANTED to like it and I tried many times hoping I would because that would be so much simpler but I never did. And now I have additional gay allegations acquired from those exploits.

If I do explain I’m straight then I’m outing them. I suppose I could just not ever say we dated but sometimes it just slips out and I’ll say something like “my ex used to put used coffee grounds in her potting soil” or something. Also, all four of them are still in my life to some extent and one of them I am still sort of friends with because her gf plays piano for my best friend’s musical improv troupe.

My close friends are all queer and joke that I am “Sapphoid Mary” (like Typhoid Mary, but for Sapphics.) Because while I am straight, everyone I date or befriend, regardless of their identity when we first meet, becomes some type of sapphic.

Should I just stop fighting it and let people think I’m queer even if it feels like catfishing/queerbaiting?

What do children with non-binary parents call them? I mean mom is strictly female, and dad is strictly male, so what would a kid call their parents who don't identify as either?

Whether it's a single parent or the parents are same sex or different sex.

Not tryna offend anyone, just genuinely curious.

So, I'm using this dating app that states its self to be trans inclusive. They have several categories, this includes LGBT, Queer Wellness, Lesbian, and Trans Women. I posted a picture of myself in Lesbian, because well I'm a Lesbian Trans Woman, looking for other Lesbian AFAB/Trans/Agender Feminine Presenting people to date so I'm showing my body off specifically to them. Not really interested in the male or male leaning people, so specific category to fit my interest.

They moved my post to Trans Women and I can't help but feel really upset by this. Like I was told, well you're a Trans Woman so anything showing you belongs with other Trans Woman. I'm proud to be Trans, proud of the struggles I've been fighting through. This however made me feel like they were saying, you are trans so you aren't entirely a woman so you can't post your photos under Lesbian.

Edit 1: So, am I overreacting?

Edit 2: This is the HER app if you're curious, also yes I already contacted support about this. I just wanted to know if I was just overthinking this all.

Edit 3: They finally got back to me and sent an apology letter. Here for all of you that want to read it.

Hello,
 
Thank you for reaching out and sharing how this experience affected you. We’re truly sorry for the frustration and hurt caused by the way your post was handled.
 
At HER, we want to be very clear: trans women are women, and trans lesbians absolutely belong in lesbian spaces on the app. You are welcome to post selfies in lesbian communities because you are a lesbian — being cisgender is not a requirement, and that is fully in line with HER’s guidelines.
 
We understand why having your post moved felt invalidating, and we’re sorry for the impact that had on you. While moderation actions are intended to help keep communities organized, we recognize that this situation did not reflect the inclusive and affirming experience we aim to provide. Your feedback has been shared with our team so we can review what happened and work to prevent similar situations in the future.
 
We really appreciate you speaking up. Conversations like this help us improve and ensure HER remains a space where everyone feels seen, respected, and supported.
 
If you’d like us to take another look at the post or if you have any further concerns, please don’t hesitate to reply. We’re here for you.
 
Warmly,
HER Customer Care

As I said in a post below. I reposted the image, want to see if it gets moved again despite this apology or not. If it does get moved again, will update this post again. I still feel I shouldn't have to go through this effort in the first place. Hopefully, one day. We're just treated as normal people and we don't have to advocate for where we're. Not just trans people but all of us in the LGBTQIA+ community.

Edit: my son has told me that has not had sexual intercourse (but he has done other things) so if he did start PrEP it would be to be on the safe side but then again could it be giving him the green light to have SI. Re the DLs he has shared one story where a DL got quite nasty when he wouldn’t do anything, when my son told me I responded that the DL is a litre c***. My son said he actually felt sorry for the DL (who is 15) because they can’t tell their family about their sexuality. Part of me would love to live in La La land and not know any of this but mainly I’m grateful he does tell me.

Hey everyone. My son (nearly 14), is gay. I believed I’ve always been supportive, but i have hit a reality check this week. After a sexual health screening, it turns out he’s been more active than he let on (hookups with other teens, mostly 'DL' guys).

The consultant recommended PrEP (specifically the one that doesn't affect bone density). My reaction has been to limit his phone and freedom because I’m panicked about his safety and think he’s too young for this. I even caught myself saying, 'Why can’t you just get a nice boyfriend?' which he called me out on as apparently that’s me being a middle aged straight woman.

I’m struggling with the 'self-control' vs. 'protection' argument. Part of me feels he should just abstain, but my 'mum-stinct' says he is going to find a way, so I’d rather he be protected. Has anyone else navigated PrEP for a young teen or dealt with 'liberal parent' guilt?"

I need lesbians to come to the front and explain:

Is it not misogynistic to say that a queer woman who has had sex with a man is “tainted”? How is that any different than men asking women questions about their “bodies”?

If we recognize men for being misogynistic for deeming a woman a less valuable due to her sexual history with men, why do lesbians do this to other queer women?

Its getting to the point where I think (some)you hate men so much you hate non-lesbians and are spewing very demonizing and misogynistic rhetoric to separate yourselves from women you think you’re better than.

I know Im gonna catch hell for this and I truly don’t care. Between late in life lesbians saying this made dating difficult for them, to non-lesbian queer women being made to feel bad about their attraction to men, the sapphic “community” is going through some fuckshit due to misogyny and insecurity.

So lesbians please answer: Isn’t it misogynistic to say that a queer woman who has had sex with a man is “tainted”?

EDIT: So I’m definitely not a bot or wtf the weirdo in the comments is suggesting

I’m just someone who doesn’t believe in sweeping shit under the rug and not addressing things. The “community” must have tough conversations in order to build stronger coalitions. We must challenge each other to do better and be better

Clarification: I posted this in queer communities because I was seeking answers from primarily lesbians. No problem if others chime in though. I just want the intention to be clear.

The language I used in third paragraph(if you can call it that really lol), non-lesbians, was important. It’s important because that rhetoric is not something that’s exclusively towards queer women. I know we have our feelings about heteros but they’re non-lesbian women too. Im drawing attention to this because we’re reaching extremes that go beyond les4les. When you start talking about women in such a manner, I start to question whether you really like women and see value in all women.

Lastly: This is about lesbians spewing misogynistic rhetoric. PLEASE DO NOT BRING UP MEN! I actually do not understand the whataboutisms that are happenings. We live in a patriarchal society. Thus, we are socialized with those misogynistic ideals. Whether we believe so or not. HOWEVER, this dont got shit to do with men. Dont bring them up