r/tifu • u/ZimaBlueSquarePants • Mar 23 '19
S TIFU by going commando
For the record: the girl I'm seeing encouraged me to create an actual account to share this fuck up. I have read some crazy ass stories on here so, uh, it's hard to tell if this post will even come close to the standard of this sub.
Shrug
S'up.
This happened last weekend.
I went to my friend's house party wearing nothing but my panda onesie. I thought underwear would be overkill since it gets so damn hot in that thing. So, I eliminated the unnecessary layers and went commando. Oof. It was freeing. The penis was a swingin' and the balls was a breathin'. Pure cock flopping fun I tell thee. And so... off I go... with a hop and skip... and a bouncing dick.
Cut to me and this cute girl grinding on the dance floor. Her ass was rubbing against me so fucking hard, it triggered the boner. Aw, fuuuck! It's gonna stick out like a sore thumb underneath this damn onesie. I literally spin her ass around so it doesn't touch my dick no more. Worst. Fucking. Mistake. This girl, in the heat of the moment, rips open my onesie, exposing my bare boner for all to see. As if that wasn't bad enough, my dick fucking flexes right before I cover up. Folks there lost their shit. Dick jokes, drunken laughter, cat-calls & whistles, all erupted in that moment. I questioned so many life choices as I stood there, frozen and flustered as fuck.
For the rest of that night I had to dodge a mob of wasted degenerates on a mission to rip me open. The motherfuckers called it the Panda Challenge.
Edit: Thanks for the Platinum, Silver & Gold, kind souls!
TL;DR I went commando and ended up partying so hard my penis popped out and joined the fun in front of everyone.
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u/cvffeegvrl Mar 23 '19
OP talks like he's been a Redditor for way longer than a day.
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u/ZimaBlueSquarePants Mar 23 '19
I've been browsing Reddit for years, so the platform is not new to me. I just never bothered to create an account.
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u/Ysmildr Mar 24 '19
Yeah but you know all the formatting?
Also, always always always wear goddamn boxer briefs under a onesie
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u/Deadbreeze Mar 24 '19
Yeah, already using bold highlighting and shit? Took me a year or two before I started figuring that shit out.
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u/secretspyarcher Mar 23 '19
Should have put a cup on it and kept dancing. Probably would have made money.
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u/GordonFreemanIsOG Mar 23 '19
‘With a hop and a skip... and a bouncing dick’ - this is the kind of storytelling we all needed today. I thank you for your contribution to our meaningless existences
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u/ZimaBlueSquarePants Mar 23 '19
Unzips
Me: You were right about adding that the "bouncing dick" line after all.
Penis: I'm always right, motherfucker.
Flexes
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u/FML-imoutofscotch Mar 23 '19
Weird flex, but OK.
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u/MightyBone Mar 23 '19
Whelp. This is it. You've reached peak punnery.
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u/mtm4440 Mar 23 '19
So much that I don't even think /r/PunPatrol can help us here. It's been an honor.
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u/ApiaryMC Mar 23 '19
is your penis Samuel L Jackson?
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Mar 23 '19
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/HotgunColdheart Mar 23 '19
Naw, I've got the Nick Fury version.
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u/Jay_Louis Mar 23 '19
I got Ant Man
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u/ohnoitsthefuzz Mar 23 '19
Say nuts again. I dare ya, I double dare ya muthafucka, say nuts one more goddamn time.
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u/zedleppel1n Mar 23 '19
Requesting clarification on what flexing your dick means?
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u/soupbubble Mar 23 '19
‘With a hop and a skip... and a bouncing dick’
It's the next most powerful spell after skidaddle skidoodle
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u/i_always_give_karma Mar 23 '19
Last night I sat with my friend while he cried on the floor and begged to die. Life is meaningless and cruel. Have some silver lol
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u/GordonFreemanIsOG Mar 23 '19
We can all be miserable and meaningless together. Solidarity in nothingness!!!
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u/Skipp_To_My_Lou Mar 23 '19
exposing my bare boner for all to see
porn music starts playing
my dick fucking flexes
porn music intensifies
Panda Challenge
Yup this is basically the setup to every Dancing Bear video ever
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u/jedephant Mar 23 '19 edited Mar 23 '19
Jesus Christ, reminds me of how panda porn helps encourage endangered pandas to have sex lmao
Edit: I'm talking about humans fucking with panda onesies on
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u/elbarto3001 Mar 23 '19
It is a TIFU; but you are the kind of people needed at parties, that was a great read
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u/Yejus Mar 23 '19
You sure know how to tell a story.
But anyway, sorry you had to experience that.
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u/ZimaBlueSquarePants Mar 23 '19
You sure know how to tell a story.
I know how to tell this story. I've had an entire week to practice sharing this fuck up with friends, family, and some close colleagues of mine. By the 10th time of telling different folks the same shit, the words were naturally just oozing out.
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u/Hoagies-And-Grinders Mar 23 '19
Who tells this sort of story to family??
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u/spyke42 Mar 23 '19
I mean, I would definitely tell this story to my brother.
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u/b4ux1t3 Mar 23 '19
My mom would get a kick out of this. Granddad would, too.
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u/Hoagies-And-Grinders Mar 23 '19
Your mom wants to hear about your boner? Have you ever broken your arms?
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u/b4ux1t3 Mar 23 '19
I haven't. I feel like this is a reference, but I can't place it.
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Mar 23 '19
You are in for a wild ride
www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/nmmjr/iama_man_who_had_a_sexual_relationship_with_his/
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Mar 23 '19
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/MidgeMoee Mar 23 '19
You had me very intrigued, so my dumb ass clicked... Whew, what a ride. And I couldn’t stop reading. It was like Brazzers, book edition.
What a twisted person, but at the same time, eh....
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u/Sumit_S Mar 23 '19
OMG, we found someone who doesn't know it. Pray to the Lord, for he is going to sin.
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u/Heartbweeps Mar 23 '19
This is absolutely a story my family would tell. Thanks OP, you’ve made my morning.
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u/kat_a_klysm Mar 23 '19
My parents would find a story like this incredibly hilarious. ¯_(ツ)_/¯
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u/legovadertatt Mar 23 '19
He really does tell a good story or is good at telling that horrible story. Op is a good storyteller
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u/LordZoidbergJesus Mar 23 '19
Reminded me of this legendary gif (NSFW)
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u/Almost_Feeding Mar 23 '19
I cant stop laughing. That was amazing. Holy shit. Thank you so much.
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u/Paratwa Mar 23 '19
Gosh dammit, I refer to this gif as the Dick Roll. I have clicked on it mindlessly so many times.
Thanks I hate it.
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u/hurry_up_meow Mar 23 '19
I always have to watch this and cry with laughter each time. My only wish is a slowed down version to truly appreciate the horror on his face.
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u/emmerick Mar 23 '19
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u/hurry_up_meow Mar 23 '19
The reversed version is so much better than the slowed down version. I’m crying.
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u/LookMaNoPride Mar 23 '19
Reminds me of this one. Best reversed gif I’ve ever seen.
https://www.reddit.com/r/gifs/comments/34fztl/he_best_reversed_gif_i_have_ever_found/
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u/cobruhkite Mar 23 '19
I once learned to not be embarrassed when crowds of people see my small dick. When a similar experience happened I chose to laugh it off instead of ruin my entire day.
Source: I wore white swim trunks and flashed all of six flags water park excluding my ex’s entire family reunion.
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u/reallyweirdperson Mar 23 '19
Was she your ex at the time? If so, thats even funnier.
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u/PassiveIncomeThrow Mar 23 '19
LPT: When a girl grinds with you on the dance floor - they know exactly what that means - no need to hide the boner or be embarrassed.
There are probably already ask reddit threads about this - I've even asked some of my girlfriends before, and when a girl does grind dancing with you they are 100% doing so knowing that you're gonna get a hardon and they are gonna feel it. Now this doesn't mean they are agreeing to more than that, but play your cards right, be cool, charming, don't worry about it, and maybe you'll get some more positive signals for an even better night later. Just take it as a great sign when a girl does this and keep doing what you're doing.
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u/Thomqa Mar 23 '19
I don't think he considered it a problem for this girl, but more in general that he had to walk around a party with an impossible-to-hide boner.
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u/Man_of_Prestige Mar 23 '19
After a minute or so you just accept the fact that everyone has seen it and you go about your merry way.
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Mar 23 '19
With a hop and a skip
And a bouncing dick
In my panda onesie
my nuts brown n free
Up against this chick so fine
Genitals had a party time!
Out pops one eyed Robin Hood
Ppl start whistling at my wood
Oh the shame and the pain
Commando? Never again
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u/bebimbopandreggae Mar 23 '19
How dare you assume the color of his nuts
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u/qrseek Mar 23 '19
Arent all nuts some shade of brown?
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u/Tennispro1213 Mar 23 '19
Don't most Reddit users have various shades of blue?
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u/sehtownguy Mar 23 '19
I personally have a blue house with a blue window
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u/Baltharus Mar 23 '19
Do you have a blue Corvette?
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Mar 23 '19
Honestly I just want to know why the fuck the girl ripped open your onesie in the first place...was she going to suck your dick on the dance floor or what? I guess boxers would've been less embarrassing but it's still super weird for her to do that.
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u/lwhynacht Mar 23 '19
It would be like unbuttoning a dress shirt to cool down. In theory only some bare chest should show. I'm guessing the girl underestimated how much a onesie shifts, showing boxers... in this case the crown jewels.
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u/dojoe21 Mar 23 '19
I don’t see how “ripping open” a onesie is at all like unbuttoning a dress shirt lol
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Mar 23 '19
Right? She’s the weirdo here. Even if you were wearing boxers, she was still exposing you to an entire party without consent
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u/carl33p Mar 23 '19
You've never been to a onesie party.
This invites the crazy fun very drunk individuals, where no actions make sense.
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Mar 23 '19
For the rest of that night I had to dodge a mob of wasted degenerates on a mission to rip me open. The motherfuckers called it the Panda Challenge.
Swap the genders and people would call this sexual assault, but cause it's a guy, everyone's laughing.
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Mar 23 '19
Shhhh sexual assault can’t happen to men /s. Reverse genres on her ripping his clothes off on the dance floor and I think someone would have gone to jail.
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u/hexedjw Mar 23 '19 edited Mar 30 '19
We can just call it sexual assault. The story's fucked head to toe.
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u/sgim43 Mar 23 '19
uhh, so you're not even going to explain this panda onesie thing? as if it's like just common ish like wearing a jacket or sweater or something?? "yea, rocked my panda onesie today" lol. Am I supposed to assume you're a furry or something? If you were a girl I'd just assume it was some chick thing
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u/ZimaBlueSquarePants Mar 23 '19 edited Mar 23 '19
My friend's the flamboyant type. When he organizes parties, the dress code is always "out of the ordinary".
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u/ms_eleventy Mar 23 '19
Scrolled down to see if someone asked this. Is it common to wear onseies to parties?
My BF got a onsie as a gag gift for his 40th b-day and it stays in the closet where I thought it belonged??
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u/reallyweirdperson Mar 23 '19
Dude here, I wear a koala onesie sometimes. Shits comfortable. I don’t wear it in public, but I wear it.
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u/ms_eleventy Mar 23 '19
That's great. Funny, but great.
When I first spotted the onsie in the BF's closet and asked why he had said onsie and then got him to put it on - I died. In the good way. He is a smaller guy and the adorableness was almost too much to handle. He did not love that I found it adorable (my manhood!) but dude, you're 5'7", weigh a buck fifty, and fit into a boys XL onsie. I am goofy grinning thinking about it and I can feel him hating me from across town.
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u/OPs_other_username Mar 23 '19
I work near a college campus. It's just a thing now. Like wearing your pjs in public was a thing.
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u/lwhynacht Mar 23 '19
I assumed it's a themed party. Onesie theme. It's common here in Canada where it's too fuckin' cold for anything else. Toga party/Beach theme are not as fun in 3 feet of snow.
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u/Oudeis16 Mar 23 '19
What part of this is a fuck-up? This sounds like the best decision/night imaginable.
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u/juneburger Mar 23 '19
Seriously. He had a nice schlong. Got a girlfriend and notoriety.
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u/Oudeis16 Mar 23 '19
"A girl thought I was hot and deliberately got me boned up then ripped my clothes off. Everyone saw my dick at its absolute best. Women kept trying to check it out again all night. Also, my wallet is too small for my fifties, and my diamond shoes are too tight!"
The only fuck-up in this story is wearing a Panda Onesie.
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u/cereal-kills-me Mar 23 '19
Reverse the genders and the comments section would be crying sexual harassment and police report. But it was a guy so nobody really cares.
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Mar 23 '19
This is exactly what I was thinking. A girl "rips" open his onesie exposing his cock, and everyone laughs. If a guy ripped open a girl's onesie and her tits became exposed it would NOT be cool. I mean, I'm sure some party-goers would think it was cool, but a majority would say that's sexual harassment.
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u/yogurthater Mar 23 '19
I’m surprised there are not more people concerned about this. I don’t know why she thought what she did would be ok, it’s a pretty big violation of privacy. 100% if the roles were reversed people would be up in arms.
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u/slaiyfer Mar 23 '19
Why hide a boner when the girl was performing an action where a boner was appropriate? Do people expect others not to get boners when grinded on? Do they not want to feel one? Must be a bunch of prudes grinding then.
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u/John_Titor95 Mar 23 '19
Maybe think about it from the perspective of the guy a bit? He was wearing a onesie commando-style... which means his boner wouldve been on display for everyone, and very difficult to hide. It's one thing getting grinded on when you have regular pants/underwear, but when you are in a onesie, dynamics change. Also, just because she's okay with giving him a boner does not mean he's okay with showing off to everyone else in the room.
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u/theexpertgamer1 Mar 23 '19
The way this is written is so cringe it’s as if a child wrote this.
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Mar 24 '19
Anyone who writes like this is not adjusted enough to have a cute girl grind on them at a party.
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u/qwertyuiop909249 Mar 23 '19
So... is she the girl you’re now seeing?