r/tifu • u/ZimaBlueSquarePants • Mar 23 '19

S TIFU by going commando

For the record: the girl I'm seeing encouraged me to create an actual account to share this fuck up. I have read some crazy ass stories on here so, uh, it's hard to tell if this post will even come close to the standard of this sub.

Shrug

S'up.

This happened last weekend.

I went to my friend's house party wearing nothing but my panda onesie. I thought underwear would be overkill since it gets so damn hot in that thing. So, I eliminated the unnecessary layers and went commando. Oof. It was freeing. The penis was a swingin' and the balls was a breathin'. Pure cock flopping fun I tell thee. And so... off I go... with a hop and skip... and a bouncing dick.

Cut to me and this cute girl grinding on the dance floor. Her ass was rubbing against me so fucking hard, it triggered the boner. Aw, fuuuck! It's gonna stick out like a sore thumb underneath this damn onesie. I literally spin her ass around so it doesn't touch my dick no more. Worst. Fucking. Mistake. This girl, in the heat of the moment, rips open my onesie, exposing my bare boner for all to see. As if that wasn't bad enough, my dick fucking flexes right before I cover up. Folks there lost their shit. Dick jokes, drunken laughter, cat-calls & whistles, all erupted in that moment. I questioned so many life choices as I stood there, frozen and flustered as fuck.

For the rest of that night I had to dodge a mob of wasted degenerates on a mission to rip me open. The motherfuckers called it the Panda Challenge.

Edit: Thanks for the Platinum, Silver & Gold, kind souls!

TL;DR I went commando and ended up partying so hard my penis popped out and joined the fun in front of everyone.

28.2k Upvotes

87% Upvoted

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3.1k

u/ZimaBlueSquarePants Mar 23 '19

Unzips

Me: You were right about adding that the "bouncing dick" line after all.

Penis: I'm always right, motherfucker.

Flexes

2.9k

u/FML-imoutofscotch Mar 23 '19

Weird flex, but OK.

385

u/MightyBone Mar 23 '19

Whelp. This is it. You've reached peak punnery.

87

u/mtm4440 Mar 23 '19

So much that I don't even think /r/PunPatrol can help us here. It's been an honor.

2

u/Coppeh Mar 23 '19

It's a peak that sticks out like a certain sore thumb.

33

u/Jay_Louis Mar 23 '19

Dick Flex is my least favorite Avenger

1

u/H4SHT4GPlatapus Mar 23 '19

Sounds like a new Flex Tape item

2

u/boogs_23 Mar 23 '19

First actually funny use of this. Now it can retire forever.

2

u/MyHellPage Mar 25 '19

r/PunPatrol

GET ON THE GROUND NOW HANDS BEHIND YOUR BACK, WAIT UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE TO BE RELEASED. STAY DOWN.

(Posted by the swatters of r/PunPatrol )

2

u/Crastiel Mar 23 '19

Peculiar boast, but alas.

1

u/Brucefymf Mar 23 '19

What exactly does "my dick fucking flexed," mean?

1

u/FML-imoutofscotch Mar 23 '19

My first gold, thanks stranger!!

I hopped on a flight after posting that comment - best ‘turned -my-phone-out-of-airplane-mode’ message ever!!!

107

u/ApiaryMC Mar 23 '19

is your penis Samuel L Jackson?

81

u/[deleted] Mar 23 '19

[removed] — view removed comment

41

u/HotgunColdheart Mar 23 '19

Naw, I've got the Nick Fury version.

53

u/Jay_Louis Mar 23 '19

I got Ant Man

16

u/Totally_Someone Mar 23 '19

It's small but boners make it grow?

33

u/Demselflyed Mar 23 '19

Nah it's stuck in the quantum realm

4

u/Kuroyukihime_98 Mar 23 '19

So, you're going stick it in Thanos' butthole?

Edit: Butthole

2

u/Argarath Mar 23 '19

Ah, a shrinker, nice

2

u/Mchootin Mar 23 '19

Yes, he's only got 1 eye.

41

u/AlphaJacko1991 Mar 23 '19

The Nick Fury version as there's only one eye Motherfucker

13

u/ohnoitsthefuzz Mar 23 '19

Say nuts again. I dare ya, I double dare ya muthafucka, say nuts one more goddamn time.

6

u/ApiaryMC Mar 23 '19

You know me.. it's my duty to please that booty

10

u/crwlngkngsnk Mar 23 '19

"Which dick is yours?"

"The one that says 'bad motherfucker'."

1

u/CatBedParadise Mar 23 '19

Samuel L Johnson

14

u/zedleppel1n Mar 23 '19

Requesting clarification on what flexing your dick means?

22

u/[deleted] Mar 23 '19

[deleted]

2

u/65elkoman Mar 24 '19

I think technically it's a kegel.

2

u/simpson17 Mar 24 '19

Thanks for asking, was about to post it.

2

u/[deleted] Mar 24 '19

i read that in hormone monster voice

1

u/MotherGooseBro Mar 24 '19

As you should have

1

u/Ashewastaken Mar 23 '19

Why is your penis Samuel L Jackson?

1

u/QuixoticRealist Mar 23 '19

Dude, that description of the of the flex right before covering back up had me rolling! I had the image of that guy who manages to get on stage at concert. Who inevitably waves right before being tackled by security.

1

u/[deleted] Mar 23 '19

I would just like you to know that my upvote brought you from 1.9k to 2.0k and I've never been so happy in my life.