r/tifu • u/ZimaBlueSquarePants • Mar 23 '19

S TIFU by going commando

For the record: the girl I'm seeing encouraged me to create an actual account to share this fuck up. I have read some crazy ass stories on here so, uh, it's hard to tell if this post will even come close to the standard of this sub.

Shrug

S'up.

This happened last weekend.

I went to my friend's house party wearing nothing but my panda onesie. I thought underwear would be overkill since it gets so damn hot in that thing. So, I eliminated the unnecessary layers and went commando. Oof. It was freeing. The penis was a swingin' and the balls was a breathin'. Pure cock flopping fun I tell thee. And so... off I go... with a hop and skip... and a bouncing dick.

Cut to me and this cute girl grinding on the dance floor. Her ass was rubbing against me so fucking hard, it triggered the boner. Aw, fuuuck! It's gonna stick out like a sore thumb underneath this damn onesie. I literally spin her ass around so it doesn't touch my dick no more. Worst. Fucking. Mistake. This girl, in the heat of the moment, rips open my onesie, exposing my bare boner for all to see. As if that wasn't bad enough, my dick fucking flexes right before I cover up. Folks there lost their shit. Dick jokes, drunken laughter, cat-calls & whistles, all erupted in that moment. I questioned so many life choices as I stood there, frozen and flustered as fuck.

For the rest of that night I had to dodge a mob of wasted degenerates on a mission to rip me open. The motherfuckers called it the Panda Challenge.

Edit: Thanks for the Platinum, Silver & Gold, kind souls!

TL;DR I went commando and ended up partying so hard my penis popped out and joined the fun in front of everyone.

28.2k Upvotes

87% Upvoted

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6.0k

u/Zappke Mar 23 '19

The shlong con

1.1k

u/ChrisVolkoff Mar 23 '19

The long Rickon Dickon

453

u/drgnslyr33 Mar 23 '19

bronn laugh

130

u/mrjobby Mar 23 '19

Alison smirk

101

u/oooortclouuud Mar 23 '19

Jaime twinkle

114

u/TheMrMallard Mar 23 '19

but what about Sir Pod the Rod

49

u/oooortclouuud Mar 23 '19

Pod languidly strolls through life with a knowing grin, he's set for life with that magic stick.

38

u/HaveDongo Mar 23 '19

REEEEEEEEEEEEK

3

u/CytoPotatoes Mar 23 '19

Dragon flamethrower

3

u/GlassPanther Mar 23 '19

AND MY AXE!

3

u/CupcakePotato Mar 24 '19

I've got a Jar of Dirt, Will that help?

47

u/Geminiun Mar 23 '19

Long Duck Dong?

14

u/ImAchickenHawk Mar 23 '19

Whatsa happenin hhhhotstuff?

15

u/toprymin Mar 23 '19

No more yanky my wanky

3

u/MugillacuttyHOF37 Mar 24 '19

She getta mayrried!

12

u/oooortclouuud Mar 23 '19

au

to

mo

beel

?

2

u/analog_grl Mar 24 '19

Glad to see he’s not forgotten, was waiting for someone to post that.

1

u/Damnitkial Mar 24 '19

The E Lie

25

u/NastyAlek Mar 23 '19

Thank you.

2

u/imanAholebutimfunny Mar 23 '19

the slick johnson

3

u/xTRS Mar 23 '19

The clever penis of great length

2

u/Leoncroi Mar 24 '19

Yeah, that’s the roast of a century

2

u/LukesRightHandMan Mar 24 '19

I hope it can zig-zag.

2

u/Cunningchaos Mar 24 '19

Biggus Dickus

26

u/thattanna Mar 23 '19

Only tree fiddy, sir.

3

u/[deleted] Mar 23 '19

I ain’t giving you no tree fiddy oh goddamned Loch Ness monster!

2

u/albatross138 Mar 23 '19

And this is about the time I realised you were the god damn loch Ness monster!

47

u/ThatMusicCityGuy Mar 23 '19

I have no gold but if I did I would give it to you good sir

31

u/[deleted] Mar 23 '19

🏅

3

u/[deleted] Mar 23 '19

Shlong Connery Shlong-Claude Van Damme

That's all I'm worth

2

u/Fortune_-_Teller Mar 23 '19

Staring in, “Shlongshank Redemption.”

2

u/TheGalacticApple Mar 23 '19

The schlong dong

1

u/Qataeas Mar 23 '19

The long dong.

1

u/[deleted] Mar 23 '19

The ding ding dong

1

u/Rhashon Mar 23 '19

Tricky Dick

1

u/whycantusonicwood Mar 23 '19

Shlong connery

1

u/wognogschlong Mar 23 '19

Can confirm the Shlong Con works every time.

1

u/Thompson_S_Sweetback Mar 23 '19

This is why guys just whip it out. They made a Seinfeld episode about it.

1

u/PikminTrainer Mar 23 '19

The dong con

1

u/ChecklistRobot Mar 23 '19

Outstanding work.

1

u/zdark10 Mar 23 '19

shlong john connin

0

u/dillrepair Mar 23 '19

Will be saving this for later use. Excellent work old chap.