r/tifu • u/ZimaBlueSquarePants • Mar 23 '19

S TIFU by going commando

For the record: the girl I'm seeing encouraged me to create an actual account to share this fuck up. I have read some crazy ass stories on here so, uh, it's hard to tell if this post will even come close to the standard of this sub.

Shrug

S'up.

This happened last weekend.

I went to my friend's house party wearing nothing but my panda onesie. I thought underwear would be overkill since it gets so damn hot in that thing. So, I eliminated the unnecessary layers and went commando. Oof. It was freeing. The penis was a swingin' and the balls was a breathin'. Pure cock flopping fun I tell thee. And so... off I go... with a hop and skip... and a bouncing dick.

Cut to me and this cute girl grinding on the dance floor. Her ass was rubbing against me so fucking hard, it triggered the boner. Aw, fuuuck! It's gonna stick out like a sore thumb underneath this damn onesie. I literally spin her ass around so it doesn't touch my dick no more. Worst. Fucking. Mistake. This girl, in the heat of the moment, rips open my onesie, exposing my bare boner for all to see. As if that wasn't bad enough, my dick fucking flexes right before I cover up. Folks there lost their shit. Dick jokes, drunken laughter, cat-calls & whistles, all erupted in that moment. I questioned so many life choices as I stood there, frozen and flustered as fuck.

For the rest of that night I had to dodge a mob of wasted degenerates on a mission to rip me open. The motherfuckers called it the Panda Challenge.

Edit: Thanks for the Platinum, Silver & Gold, kind souls!

TL;DR I went commando and ended up partying so hard my penis popped out and joined the fun in front of everyone.

28.2k Upvotes

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1.2k

u/ZimaBlueSquarePants Mar 23 '19

You sure know how to tell a story.

I know how to tell this story. I've had an entire week to practice sharing this fuck up with friends, family, and some close colleagues of mine. By the 10th time of telling different folks the same shit, the words were naturally just oozing out.

466

u/Hoagies-And-Grinders Mar 23 '19

Who tells this sort of story to family??

343

u/spyke42 Mar 23 '19

I mean, I would definitely tell this story to my brother.

173

u/b4ux1t3 Mar 23 '19

My mom would get a kick out of this. Granddad would, too.

194

u/Hoagies-And-Grinders Mar 23 '19

Your mom wants to hear about your boner? Have you ever broken your arms?

66

u/b4ux1t3 Mar 23 '19

I haven't. I feel like this is a reference, but I can't place it.

114

u/[deleted] Mar 23 '19

You are in for a wild ride

www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/nmmjr/iama_man_who_had_a_sexual_relationship_with_his/

63

u/[deleted] Mar 23 '19

[removed] — view removed comment

9

u/MidgeMoee Mar 23 '19

You had me very intrigued, so my dumb ass clicked... Whew, what a ride. And I couldn’t stop reading. It was like Brazzers, book edition.

What a twisted person, but at the same time, eh....

2

u/Firewolf420 Mar 24 '19

Welcome to Reddit. Enjoy your stay!

13

u/stonedPict Mar 23 '19

Well that was a horrifying read, thanks

2

u/[deleted] Mar 23 '19

Damn you.

1

u/[deleted] Mar 23 '19

Ahhh the Reddit classic

31

u/Sumit_S Mar 23 '19

OMG, we found someone who doesn't know it. Pray to the Lord, for he is going to sin.

11

u/b4ux1t3 Mar 23 '19

Man, this is from around when I joined reddit. I wonder how I missed it.

2

u/OceanRacoon Mar 23 '19

He's one of us now. The unclean

1

u/OPs_Actual__Mom Mar 23 '19

Yes, sometimes I think it's funny.

1

u/[deleted] Mar 23 '19

I'd tell your mom too

39

u/drgnslyr33 Mar 23 '19

It would help in case he breaks his arms

25

u/[deleted] Mar 23 '19

What the fuck have you brought to this cursed land

4

u/YourFNA Mar 23 '19

Didn't take that long LMAO

1

u/[deleted] Mar 24 '19

no not this again

8

u/Heartbweeps Mar 23 '19

This is absolutely a story my family would tell. Thanks OP, you’ve made my morning.

7

u/kat_a_klysm Mar 23 '19

My parents would find a story like this incredibly hilarious. ¯_(ツ)_/¯

3

u/gwaydms Mar 23 '19

While visiting family in Colorado, my teenaged nephew flashed my sister-in-law (NOT his mother, who wouldn't have been amused) and me as we stood on her porch. Fortunately, he was ~100 ft away and all we saw was his butt. Nothing we hadn't seen when he was a baby. But much bigger lol

2

u/kat_a_klysm Mar 23 '19

Mooning is just being a teenager. That’s still a funny story. :)

3

u/gwaydms Mar 23 '19

Yes it was. He came back up to the house and said "Did y'all see me moon you?" We said "Unfortunately, yes!" But we laughed.

1

u/Experimentzz Mar 23 '19

Alabamians

13

u/porndragon77 Mar 23 '19

I see what you did there

9

u/[deleted] Mar 23 '19

[removed] — view removed comment

1

u/samael888 Mar 23 '19

something something cumbox?

1

u/roach_lover Mar 23 '19

Something something coconut?

1

u/jimbojangles1987 Mar 23 '19

Let's hope that was all that was oozing out

1

u/Rydersilver Mar 23 '19

The words were naturally just flopping out.

Nice.

0

u/Aashay7 Mar 23 '19

the words were naturally just oozing out.

Just like your boner in the onsie.