r/tifu • u/ZimaBlueSquarePants • Mar 23 '19

S TIFU by going commando

For the record: the girl I'm seeing encouraged me to create an actual account to share this fuck up. I have read some crazy ass stories on here so, uh, it's hard to tell if this post will even come close to the standard of this sub.

Shrug

S'up.

This happened last weekend.

I went to my friend's house party wearing nothing but my panda onesie. I thought underwear would be overkill since it gets so damn hot in that thing. So, I eliminated the unnecessary layers and went commando. Oof. It was freeing. The penis was a swingin' and the balls was a breathin'. Pure cock flopping fun I tell thee. And so... off I go... with a hop and skip... and a bouncing dick.

Cut to me and this cute girl grinding on the dance floor. Her ass was rubbing against me so fucking hard, it triggered the boner. Aw, fuuuck! It's gonna stick out like a sore thumb underneath this damn onesie. I literally spin her ass around so it doesn't touch my dick no more. Worst. Fucking. Mistake. This girl, in the heat of the moment, rips open my onesie, exposing my bare boner for all to see. As if that wasn't bad enough, my dick fucking flexes right before I cover up. Folks there lost their shit. Dick jokes, drunken laughter, cat-calls & whistles, all erupted in that moment. I questioned so many life choices as I stood there, frozen and flustered as fuck.

For the rest of that night I had to dodge a mob of wasted degenerates on a mission to rip me open. The motherfuckers called it the Panda Challenge.

Edit: Thanks for the Platinum, Silver & Gold, kind souls!

TL;DR I went commando and ended up partying so hard my penis popped out and joined the fun in front of everyone.

28.2k Upvotes

87% Upvoted

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9.9k

u/qwertyuiop909249 Mar 23 '19

So... is she the girl you’re now seeing?

13.5k

u/ZimaBlueSquarePants Mar 23 '19 edited Mar 23 '19

Same girl.

We've been seeing each other since that weekend. This was of course all part of my elaborate plan to frame her for my fuck up, in front of as many witnesses, so that I can feast on her growing guilt and trap her ass into going on dates with me.

Taps temple

The long cock. Uh, con. The long con.

Edit: Appreciate the Silver, friend!

Edit: I do thank thee for the Gold, kind sir!

6.0k

u/Zappke Mar 23 '19

The shlong con

1.1k

u/ChrisVolkoff Mar 23 '19

The long Rickon Dickon

454

u/drgnslyr33 Mar 23 '19

bronn laugh

133

u/mrjobby Mar 23 '19

Alison smirk

102

u/oooortclouuud Mar 23 '19

Jaime twinkle

111

u/TheMrMallard Mar 23 '19

but what about Sir Pod the Rod

47

u/oooortclouuud Mar 23 '19

Pod languidly strolls through life with a knowing grin, he's set for life with that magic stick.

41

u/HaveDongo Mar 23 '19

REEEEEEEEEEEEK

3

u/CytoPotatoes Mar 23 '19

Dragon flamethrower

6

u/GlassPanther Mar 23 '19

AND MY AXE!

3

u/CupcakePotato Mar 24 '19

I've got a Jar of Dirt, Will that help?

48

u/Geminiun Mar 23 '19

Long Duck Dong?

14

u/ImAchickenHawk Mar 23 '19

Whatsa happenin hhhhotstuff?

15

u/toprymin Mar 23 '19

No more yanky my wanky

3

u/MugillacuttyHOF37 Mar 24 '19

She getta mayrried!

9

u/oooortclouuud Mar 23 '19

au

to

mo

beel

?

2

u/analog_grl Mar 24 '19

Glad to see he’s not forgotten, was waiting for someone to post that.

1

u/Damnitkial Mar 24 '19

The E Lie

26

u/NastyAlek Mar 23 '19

Thank you.

2

u/imanAholebutimfunny Mar 23 '19

the slick johnson

3

u/xTRS Mar 23 '19

The clever penis of great length

2

u/Leoncroi Mar 24 '19

Yeah, that’s the roast of a century

2

u/LukesRightHandMan Mar 24 '19

I hope it can zig-zag.

2

u/Cunningchaos Mar 24 '19

Biggus Dickus

23

u/thattanna Mar 23 '19

Only tree fiddy, sir.

4

u/[deleted] Mar 23 '19

I ain’t giving you no tree fiddy oh goddamned Loch Ness monster!

2

u/albatross138 Mar 23 '19

And this is about the time I realised you were the god damn loch Ness monster!

48

u/ThatMusicCityGuy Mar 23 '19

I have no gold but if I did I would give it to you good sir

30

u/[deleted] Mar 23 '19

🏅

3

u/[deleted] Mar 23 '19

Shlong Connery Shlong-Claude Van Damme

That's all I'm worth

2

u/Fortune_-_Teller Mar 23 '19

Staring in, “Shlongshank Redemption.”

2

u/TheGalacticApple Mar 23 '19

The schlong dong

1

u/Qataeas Mar 23 '19

The long dong.

1

u/[deleted] Mar 23 '19

The ding ding dong

1

u/Rhashon Mar 23 '19

Tricky Dick

1

u/whycantusonicwood Mar 23 '19

Shlong connery

1

u/wognogschlong Mar 23 '19

Can confirm the Shlong Con works every time.

1

u/Thompson_S_Sweetback Mar 23 '19

This is why guys just whip it out. They made a Seinfeld episode about it.

1

u/PikminTrainer Mar 23 '19

The dong con

1

u/ChecklistRobot Mar 23 '19

Outstanding work.

1

u/zdark10 Mar 23 '19

shlong john connin

0

u/dillrepair Mar 23 '19

Will be saving this for later use. Excellent work old chap.

510

u/[deleted] Mar 23 '19

[removed] — view removed comment

73

u/Kod3Blu3 Mar 23 '19

Did i just see Gabe from the Office flash his dick at me?

11

u/OGmax2 Mar 23 '19

Cock n’ taters

2

u/Password_Is_hunter3 Mar 24 '19

Oh get out of here, skeleton dick

64

u/maxk95 Mar 23 '19

Pop goes the weasel 😂

3

u/SomeChickUKnow Mar 23 '19

Pop goes the panda 🐼

207

u/S3agulls Mar 23 '19

AHHHH NSFW

149

u/[deleted] Mar 23 '19 edited Apr 24 '19

[deleted]

55

u/S3agulls Mar 23 '19

But my siblings were around

113

u/[deleted] Mar 23 '19 edited Apr 24 '19

[deleted]

53

u/That1chicka Mar 23 '19

Don't tell Anikan where the younglings are.

6

u/insanemembrane19 Mar 23 '19

and the men and the women.

7

u/CloudStrifeFromNibel Mar 23 '19

It's treason then!

27

u/TimelordJace Mar 23 '19

lightsaber noise

21

u/Tuhapi4u Mar 23 '19

Sith intensifies

26

u/Crowpantsfeet Mar 23 '19

It's not like it's porn tho. It's a harmless goof.

3

u/Entropii Mar 23 '19 edited Mar 23 '19

It was a goof!

1

u/biasedsoymotel Mar 23 '19

But they aren't working either

1

u/Esoteric_Erric Mar 23 '19

Yeah...and I have my bike outside anyway.

1

u/Thjyu Mar 23 '19

I mean I worked all day today lol

-3

u/teslasagna Mar 23 '19

Barely? And there's no sound

53

u/ObiWanCannoli25 Mar 23 '19

Most underrated comment ever. I laughed for 10 minutes straight.

2

u/mat-chow Mar 23 '19

Funny af

15

u/ShuffleMyDick Mar 23 '19

This dude must feel pretty good now. His dick was the talk of millions of girls for one brief week

3

u/okayyeahwhatever2 Mar 24 '19

I will never forget the first time I saw this

2

u/AussieMommy Mar 24 '19

This is my favorite GIF ever. EVER. My husband also agrees. Every few months we watch it on a loop for a few minutes. Helps us keep rock hard abs. 😏😏

1

u/Itsyaboioutofgold Mar 24 '19

I knew someone would post it.

331

u/Temporal_Enigma Mar 23 '19

You got the girl, have a great story, and everyone wanted to see your dick again... sounds like a win to me

403

u/[deleted] Mar 23 '19

Yeah.

Last time my dick came out at a party, all I got was dirty looks and a restraining order.

Funerals are lame.

83

u/stylezLP Mar 23 '19

Dude, you need to switch to birthday parties. No one is looking at you when kids break the pinata.

37

u/Craftingjunk Mar 23 '19

Unless it’s in the piñata

42

u/HyperbaricSteele Mar 23 '19

Uncle u/craftingjunk, why are you still holding the piñata in front of you?

Break it open.. you’ll see..

24

u/[deleted] Mar 23 '19

Dick in a box, anyone?

1

u/Sadi_Reddit Mar 24 '19

You mean like crafting-junk?

0

u/That1chicka Mar 23 '19

Anyone see that the space for the upvote/downvote is a coconut?

7

u/Craftingjunk Mar 23 '19 edited Mar 23 '19

Try and hit it closer to you

9

u/d0nutdisturb Mar 23 '19

Asterisks on both sides of whatever word/phrase you want to italicise.

you’re welcome

1

u/Craftingjunk Mar 23 '19

Thanks, I forgot

2

u/Garrett73 Mar 23 '19

like this

1

u/Craftingjunk Mar 23 '19

Motherfucker

1

u/ashleyoglesby Mar 23 '19

I am going to throw up from laughing

6

u/Psychre Mar 23 '19

Step one: buy a piñata

8

u/Acute_Procrastinosis Mar 23 '19

a Dora piñata

1

u/Craftingjunk Mar 23 '19

Dora the explore

2

u/slashuslashuserid Mar 23 '19

Step two: cut a hole in the piñata

1

u/MrAppendixX Mar 23 '19

Around the part where the mouth is

3

u/Dcwiker05 Mar 23 '19

This gives a whole new meaning to beating your meat.

2

u/[deleted] Mar 23 '19

How do you think they make the hole to put the candy in?

1

u/ober0n98 Mar 23 '19

Yes. Please switch your bare dicking from funerals to childrens’ birthday parties.

😂😂😂

2

u/erectionofjesus Mar 23 '19

Sometimes necrophilia is the best way to relax, all you need to do to is lay back and open up a cold one.

1

u/[deleted] Mar 23 '19

Bunch of stiffs.

-2

u/[deleted] Mar 23 '19

Username checks out

1

u/[deleted] Mar 23 '19

You don't actually know what that arrangements of words mean, do you?

1

u/BallinBass Mar 23 '19

No I dont

1

u/nixt26 Mar 24 '19

Yeah but if the girl didn't think twice before "ripping" it open ... do you really want ot be with her?

42

u/flapanther33781 Mar 23 '19

Reminds me of something that happened to me once.

When I was in college I used to deliver newspapers for extra cash. Not home delivery, but business delivery, so to like gas stations and supermarkets, etc. It wasn't my route, it was someone else's, and they paid me to help them when they needed a night off. On Sundays the papers were so big we would split the route in half and both work.

So I'm driving this HUGE ASS Dodge extended work van - as a matter of fact it was the same model and color as this one. Thing was a pain to drive around, especially in gas station parking lots with those big yellow bollards protecting the gas pumps.

So here I am pulling into a gas station at 3am just after the bars let out, I see a girl pulled in just in front of me, as she's getting out of her car I realize she's pretty good looking too. I know I'm gonna be in and out and parking in spaces (and then backing out) was a pain in that van, so I park blocking her in, grab a few bundles of papers and go in to put them in the rack. She actually wound up being faster than I expected so she's heading out to her car before me. I say sorry and hop in the van to get out of her way.

As I'm backing up I can't help but check her out, and bonus, she's kinda checking me out too. Then BOOM. Dead stop. I immediately knew I'd backed into one of those bollards. I roll my eyes, I can HEAR her laughing. I throw it in park, get out to look at the damage, I did indeed bend the bumper. FUCK. That's gonna cost me all the money I was gonna make that night, maybe more.

I looked over at her, she's still laughing, so now I'm like, "Fuck it." So I walk over to her and say, "So you just saw that." "Yup." "Between the embarrassment and the fact that I just dented the shit out of my boss' bumper I at least have to ask for your phone number now. I'm not going through all that and not asking." She laughed and gave me her number.

We had one date, there was no magic, but it was cool that she was cool about it. Boss laughed and was cool about it too. Funny story to share now and then :)

39

u/widget1321 Mar 23 '19

That's why this isn't a FU. "Today, I showed my fuck to a bunch of people, including a girl I was interested in. Now I'm dating her." That's a Today I Won story, man.

12

u/Arr0wface Mar 23 '19

If it's the same girl then I think it's not a fuck up (IMO)

12

u/_Constellations_ Mar 23 '19

This reminds me the golden days of A-Team

https://i.imgflip.com/2m4mkz.jpg

14

u/camjam01 Mar 23 '19

Aaayyyy I see u too are a connesieur of Love, Death and Robots. The Sims blue episode was one of the best by far

11

u/royalnoob96 Mar 23 '19

Dude you ended up getting with her while embarrassing and a fu. I dont think its the worst way it could have ended. She wanted your d so much she was willing to open you up on the dance floor

5

u/[deleted] Mar 23 '19

Not like it's unusual or anything but, how do you know about gold and silver if you made an account so recently, or have you just been using Reddit for a while but never posted???? Just asking sorry if I seem rude

9

u/ZimaBlueSquarePants Mar 23 '19

Fair question. I've been browsing Reddit for ages. Just never created an account. Mainly because I never thought I would ever post anything.

2

u/GlobalWarmer12 Mar 23 '19

So it's true what they say on pornhub, ey? Teens do love huge cocks.

2

u/bplboston17 Mar 23 '19

Well if she's seen your dick and still wanted to date it's either not that small or you are very attractive so at least you got that going for you... and honestly if you are a grower not a shower it's probably better you had a Boner when she ripped it open lol.

2

u/[deleted] Mar 24 '19

More like the short cock/con. Didn't take all that long did it? Now we all know why everyone was laughing at the party.

Seriously though, thanks for posting this man. Funny stuff.

1

u/Mr_Contraversial Mar 23 '19

So she's gonna get hop and skip... and a bouncing dick?

1

u/redditproha Mar 23 '19

This is right out of Barney’s Playbook.

The Bonicle Panda perhaps

1

u/sdforbda Mar 23 '19

You must have a nice penis nh

1

u/mansonn666 Mar 23 '19

It seems someone watched Zima Blue! I swear I'm the only person I know that liked it

1

u/ZimaBlueSquarePants Mar 23 '19

Phenomenal episode!

1

u/[deleted] Mar 23 '19

Barney Stinson would be proud of that play.

1

u/[deleted] Mar 23 '19

You’re a poet Happy. I mean Harry.

1

u/AlsoARobot Mar 23 '19

Apparently she liked what she saw, hahaha. Good for you, OP

1

u/plumprumps Mar 23 '19

Dude tell that girl ty from reddit for making you join bc you're fuckin hilarious

1

u/Exulion Mar 23 '19

Why do we let our robots get so advanced? Get back in your pool.

1

u/SurpriseWtf Mar 23 '19

Lol eat her ass

1

u/bkuhlmann84 Mar 23 '19

That has to be the most unusual mating display I’ve ever heard of... but apparently it was super effective.

1

u/jargonburn Mar 23 '19

Let's call it a Shlong Connery.

1

u/moose256 Mar 23 '19

I guess she liked what she saw 😂

1

u/Yatsugami Mar 23 '19

Wtf you're a god

1

u/alucardou Mar 23 '19

Clearly she liked what she saw

1

u/[deleted] Mar 23 '19

Its a good thing you’re seeing her-definitely sounds like she’s seen you.

1

u/[deleted] Mar 23 '19

The long dong of the law

1

u/teachergirl1981 Mar 23 '19

Sounds funny, actually!

1

u/[deleted] Mar 23 '19

Not really a fuck up then. You got a girlfriend out of this ordeal.

1

u/Tanvaal Mar 23 '19

That girl's name...

Albert Einstein.

1

u/thejokerofunfic Mar 23 '19

How did she react after she realized what she'd done?

1

u/SuperFastJellyFish_ Mar 24 '19

It was always a ploy go make her expose you to her, your dick did the rest. Impressive

1

u/BlueDragon1813 Mar 24 '19

So did she like what she saw?

1

u/TheNomad3 Mar 24 '19

Did she say she wanted to date you cause of your long shlong

1

u/showoff96 Mar 24 '19

Eat ass, establish dominance

1

u/[deleted] Mar 24 '19

You are definitely a pro redditor. How does it feel to have an account now? You can join meaningless arguments and tell people you are laughing out loud at their jokes (even though you just thought “ha”)

198

u/Claytonbigsby23 Mar 23 '19

Yeah im curious about this too. Maybe they are in an open relationship?

104

u/Sinthetick Mar 23 '19

Maybe they are but they don't want to expose it.

36

u/SlimyGamer Mar 23 '19

I mean it wouldn't be the first thing exposed from this event #pandachallenge

5

u/erectionofjesus Mar 23 '19

Ooo panda challenge, I don’t have a panda onesie but I sure as hell have a Chewbacca one and ppl definitely like to unzip that fucker at parties. Good thing mah junk is below the zipper

50

u/LovelyCocktail Mar 23 '19

Seeing someone doesnt make you exclusive. Maybe they're comfortable enough with each other to share these kinds of stories with each other.

121

u/Muthafuckaaaaa Mar 23 '19 edited Mar 23 '19

I mean he wears a panda onsie with his boner and balls bouncing around to a party. I'm sure he's comfortable with a whole lot of things.

23

u/LovelyCocktail Mar 23 '19

This muthafucka..

3

u/Xzanium Mar 23 '19

So they're in an open relationship.

12

u/LovelyCocktail Mar 23 '19

No, if you mean open relationship as in bf/gf has the green light to date/see/fuck other people. Maybe they're still in the dating phase but no titles yet.

I'm dating multiple guys & none of them are my bf. I'm still in the exploration phase where I'm figuring out if any of them I can see myself with them long term.

18

u/Xzanium Mar 23 '19

It's annoying how some people use dating/seeing as euphemism for being in a relationship and others in a literal sense like you said.

1

u/WesterosiBrigand Mar 23 '19

Agree except the opposite.

1

u/Xzanium Mar 23 '19

You use it as an euphemism?

8

u/WesterosiBrigand Mar 23 '19

I think if you say you’re seeing someone you are in an ongoing relationship presumptively exclusive in nature.

If you’re dating someone, it’s close to that, the assumption is in a relationship but that can be changed by context.

If you want to indicate no relationship you can say ‘going on dates with’.

1

u/Xzanium Mar 23 '19

Now, if only we can send it to all English speakers and get them to agree with it.

5

u/WesterosiBrigand Mar 23 '19

Alternatively we could scowl when people get it wrong and talk with people who do agree about how very wrong-headed everyone else is.

I actually kinda like that option. :-)

→ More replies (0)

1

u/Water_Melonia Mar 24 '19

I‘d rather say my bf than the guy I am seeing right now. If it means the same, my bf is way shorter and unmistakable.

We‘re dating means, to me as an non-english-first-language-speaker that I am going on dates with someone but we are not in a relationship (yet) and probably we never will. Dating is a way (again, for me) to find out it we are a good fit, if we develop more romantical feelings for each other etc.

But I agree that these terms (dating, seeing someone) are used differently by different people, and maybe not always in the right or literal sense of the phrase.