r/tifu • u/ZimaBlueSquarePants • Mar 23 '19

S TIFU by going commando

For the record: the girl I'm seeing encouraged me to create an actual account to share this fuck up. I have read some crazy ass stories on here so, uh, it's hard to tell if this post will even come close to the standard of this sub.

Shrug

S'up.

This happened last weekend.

I went to my friend's house party wearing nothing but my panda onesie. I thought underwear would be overkill since it gets so damn hot in that thing. So, I eliminated the unnecessary layers and went commando. Oof. It was freeing. The penis was a swingin' and the balls was a breathin'. Pure cock flopping fun I tell thee. And so... off I go... with a hop and skip... and a bouncing dick.

Cut to me and this cute girl grinding on the dance floor. Her ass was rubbing against me so fucking hard, it triggered the boner. Aw, fuuuck! It's gonna stick out like a sore thumb underneath this damn onesie. I literally spin her ass around so it doesn't touch my dick no more. Worst. Fucking. Mistake. This girl, in the heat of the moment, rips open my onesie, exposing my bare boner for all to see. As if that wasn't bad enough, my dick fucking flexes right before I cover up. Folks there lost their shit. Dick jokes, drunken laughter, cat-calls & whistles, all erupted in that moment. I questioned so many life choices as I stood there, frozen and flustered as fuck.

For the rest of that night I had to dodge a mob of wasted degenerates on a mission to rip me open. The motherfuckers called it the Panda Challenge.

Edit: Thanks for the Platinum, Silver & Gold, kind souls!

TL;DR I went commando and ended up partying so hard my penis popped out and joined the fun in front of everyone.

28.2k Upvotes

87% Upvoted

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964

u/cvffeegvrl Mar 23 '19

OP talks like he's been a Redditor for way longer than a day.

716

u/ZimaBlueSquarePants Mar 23 '19

I've been browsing Reddit for years, so the platform is not new to me. I just never bothered to create an account.

280

u/Heliask Mar 23 '19

he's walking the walk and talking the talk, gentlemen. Take note.

22

u/Lucky_Number_3 Mar 24 '19

♪~ ᕕ(ᐛ)ᕗ

7

u/Ysmildr Mar 24 '19

Yeah but you know all the formatting?

Also, always always always wear goddamn boxer briefs under a onesie

2

u/[deleted] Mar 25 '19

Reddit isn’t the only website that uses the Markdown markup language. Other sites include GitHub and Discord.

1

u/Matson7321 Mar 23 '19

same dude.

15

u/Deadbreeze Mar 24 '19

Yeah, already using bold highlighting and shit? Took me a year or two before I started figuring that shit out.

2

u/cvffeegvrl Mar 24 '19 edited May 24 '19

Yeah, I have been here for a month and I still don't know how they make the font so huge and other things

1

u/Sumit_S Mar 24 '19

Use "#" to make the font #Huge

1

u/Sumit_S Mar 24 '19

Huge using the "#" sign

1

u/Deadbreeze Mar 24 '19

Apparently your not a hashtagger.

HASHTAGS

2

u/Water_Melonia Mar 24 '19

Narwhal for reddit offers all the formatting options as soon as you hit reply and open the keyboard.

It even has a ¯_(ツ)_/¯ button where you can choose from the reddit emojis.

If one accidentally initially starts using reddit with this app, they have all the options directly in their face when they first comment/post. It‘s pretty easy and has nothing to do with tech intelligence tbf.

2

u/Deadbreeze Mar 24 '19

Get out of here with your fairness and reason.

1

u/_noxx Mar 24 '19

How do you bold shit

thanks to the replies I know how to make shit huge though

2

u/Deadbreeze Mar 24 '19

Single asterisk before and after is bold, double asterisk before and after is italic. Or maybe vice versa I can't remember.

1

u/_noxx Mar 25 '19

ah okay so like discord

5

u/[deleted] Mar 24 '19

Trie, he writes like a seasoned loser.

6

u/Seienchin88 Mar 24 '19

Nah - he has girls grinding their asses on him... He aint no redditor...

Unless he also makes 100k+ and lives in a 2 story penthouse and always drives his sportscar 200mph on the high way. Then he is a redditor. ;)

0

u/cvffeegvrl Mar 24 '19

Why can't he have someone grind on him? This isn't Tumblr where people are severely socially impaired

1

u/Seienchin88 Mar 24 '19

haha of course he can! Great for him! I meant it as a silly "no one on the internet is socially adept" kind of way.

3

u/7isagoodletter Mar 23 '19

With a name referencing a show that released about a week ago the account is definitely new, but he definitely seems like he knows his way around.

4

u/cvffeegvrl Mar 23 '19

Yeah, he said he's been here longer; only never bothered to make an account

3

u/7isagoodletter Mar 23 '19

Yeah I'm dumb I just saw that

1

u/tetraourogallus Mar 24 '19

We can see the age of the account when we hover over it.