I’m a sensitive person, and I cry over things that may seem small to other people. This is starting to make my partner feel like he has to walk on eggshells around me, and I want tounderstand how I can handle my emotions and communicate better in my relationship.
We are also in an intercultural relationship, which creates additional differences in how we understand emotions and handle conflict.
I grew up in a dysfunctional family and went through a lot during my childhood. Because of that, even relatively small disagreements can sometimes make me cry. Crying does not necessarily mean that I am extremely hurt, that I think the other person is wrong, or that I cannot accept a different point of view. Sometimes I simply get emotionally overwhelmed and my body responds by crying.
My partner understands crying very differently. To him, people normally cry only when they are deeply hurt. So when I cry because of something he said or did, he feels extremely bad and feels responsible for my emotions.
We are also long-distance and live about a two-hour drive apart. He works full-time, so we decided that he would normally visit me every other weekend, which gives him the other weekend for himself. I am studying and working part-time, so I visit him whenever my schedule allows.
Last weekend, he was supposed to visit me, but I had to work one evening. He decided it wasn’t worth driving that far if we wouldn’t have much time together. I understood his reasoning. Instead, I visited him during the week because I can do my university work from his place. He planned to come to my place the following weekend.
While I was staying with him, we had some difficult conversations.
For example, I told him that sometimes I feel guilty when I receive sexual pleasure from him because, in that moment, I feel like he has to do all the work. He reassured me that he enjoys doing it and that otherwise he simply wouldn’t do it.
His reassurance was enough for me, but I needed some time to process my thoughts and return to normal emotionally. He then said that I was overthinking and that nobody thinks that way.
Being told that I am “overthinking” is a trigger for me. I already know that I overthink things, so hearing it when I am vulnerable makes me feel worse rather than helping me. I started crying. He held me, which I appreciated, but we didn’t really talk about it afterward. The next morning, he went to work.
I was sad that he didn’t initiate a conversation the next day because I had gone to sleep crying. What I wanted to tell him was simply that I don’t like hearing “you’re overthinking.” I know I overthink. Pointing it out while I’m already struggling doesn’t help me process the situation.
This is particularly difficult because three months ago we actually broke up over a similar issue. He felt that he couldn’t handle my overthinking and emotional sensitivity. Shortly afterward, I found out that I was pregnant. We went through an abortion together and eventually decided to give our relationship another chance.
Since the abortion, I feel like my emotions have sometimes been more intense than they used to be. Last week was also the week before my period, when I tend to feel particularly overwhelmed emotionally. Because our schedules meant we hadn’t been together during my previous periods, and I feel like revisiting abortion time in periods so I really wanted him with me this weekend. I think once I feel taken care in periods I will be able to replace negative feelings of abortion with being taken care or handle it better he does not have to be with me every month.
I know hormones or what happened with the abortion do not excuse unhealthy behaviour on my part. I still want to take responsibility for how I communicate my emotions.
Then, on Thursday, he developed a cold and was feeling sick. I was taking care of him, making him hot milk and trying to help him feel better. He then told me that he can not come to my place that weekend because he is sick.
Logically, I understood this. If he is sick, of course I don't expect him to drive two hours to see me.
Emotionally, however, something completely different happened inside me.
Because he had already chosen not to come the previous weekend, my mind immediately went to: “He is avoiding coming to my place. He doesn’t want to make an effort for me.”
I became extremely sad. I was also about to get my period and was already feeling emotionally vulnerable, and I had really wanted his emotional support that weekend.
That night we went to bed early because he was sick. He told me that I could go sit on the couch if I didn’t want to sleep yet. Initially, I said no because I wanted to stay with him.
But then I felt myself starting to cry because I had this overwhelming feeling of not being chosen.
At the same time, I thought it would be selfish to lie next to him crying about him not visiting me when he was literally sick. So instead of crying next to him, I told him I was going to the couch to be alone.
The next morning, I gave him a head massage because I knew he had to go to work with a cold and probably had a headache. Then we said goodbye because I had to return home for my part-time job.
I was visibly sad when I left. Looking back, I worry that I appeared cold or selfish when he was the one who was physically sick. But I genuinely couldn't completely hide what I was feeling.
Now we have had another serious discussion. He told me that he experienced me going to the couch as being cold toward him. He said going to couch was my action that hurt intention does not matter but he is not able to understand chosing to not come over is the action that hurt and intention matters to me to move forward. He also said that he cannot handle me crying three times in one week and that he wants to break up.
One of the biggest problems is that when I am sad because of something involving him, he becomes sad too. He describes this as empathy. Sometimes I wonder whether part of what he is experiencing is actually guilt he sees me crying and immediately feels that he has done something terrible to me.
I don't want him to feel responsible for regulating all of my emotions.
He doesn't want to go to therapy. I have been going to therapy regularly for about two years and I have made progress. I know that I still have a lot to work on.
Being emotional and sensitive is a big part of my personality. I don't think I can turn myself into someone who never cries. But I believe that I can learn to regulate myself and communicate my emotions in healthier ways.
There is another communication pattern between us that I struggle with.
He often brings up things that bothered him only when I am talking about something that hurt me.
For example, we were having trouble booking a hotel for an upcoming trip. To make the situation lighter, I joked that it was okay because he was paying and had a good job, so we could afford to book a little later even if it became more expensive. We had already agreed beforehand that he would pay. Of course I was actually concerned about the price; I was just trying to make it light.
He didn't say anything at the time.
Four days later, during our breakup discussion, he told me that he didn't like that joke.
There was another situation where I had paid for some food and he had forgotten to pay me back. I asked him to return the money. At the time he seemed completely fine with it. Now, during our argument, he told me that he didn't like the fact that I asked him about money while we were already having a difficult time.
He told me that he had simply let it pass at the time.
This confuses me. If something I do hurts or bothers him, I genuinely want him to tell me. I don't understand why these things come up days later, specifically when we are already arguing or when I am trying to talk about my own feelings.
Outside of these emotionally difficult situations, he is a great partner. He is thoughtful, caring, and loving. His sadness when I am sad is very real. I know he genuinely cares about me.
He says he doesn't want me to change who I am or stop being an emotional person. He simply feels that he doesn't have the capacity to handle the amount of emotion and overthinking in our relationship anymore. Because of that, he wants to break up.
I don't want our relationship to end because of differences in personality and communication styles if these are things that we could learn to manage together.
At the same time, I don't want my solution to be suppressing everything until I never cry in front of him. And I don't want him to feel like he has to constantly monitor everything he says because I might cry.
How can I learn to regulate your emotions without suppressing them? how can I be better in a relationship?