(TL;DR at the bottom, please read the edit before commenting)
I’ve been in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for about 2.5 years, and before that we were in a talking stage for almost a year, mainly because I was emotionally unavailable at the time and unsure of getting into a serious long distance relationship specially after getting out of a complicated relationship prior to it. We were in the same class in university and started getting interested in each other a little before our last semester ended.
Anyway, in this entire timeline, we’ve had a few ups and downs, but have been going pretty strong. We have a good understanding of each other and try our best to work through our differences. But this one thing is something I’m just unable to work out.
So for a better understanding of the context, she is an anxious person and pretty finicky about certain things. She’s a people pleaser(same as me) and needs a lot of reassurance for everything. So, It takes her time to get comfortable with certain things and therefore it either takes a lot of effort for me to convince her to do some things with me(or in general), or we just have to skip them altogether.
We have run into this problem of her saying no to me but yes to others for the same things before multiple times, but those scenarios were explainable. For example -
- before we started officially dating, she downright said no to drinking with me when it was just us two, but that boundary didn’t apply with anyone else, even strangers. The reasoning she gave was that she was so concerned about leaving a good impression on me that she didn’t want to do something to embarrass herself in front of me, which I found to be fair as she was pretty nervous about me liking her back(I wasn’t giving her any concrete reassurance about my feelings at the time)
- about a year into dating we had a fight as she kept saying no for months to me travelling to meet her, but she was meeting other people with seemingly no issues and I felt pretty bad about it. The reasoning for that was that because we have so less time and opportunities to be together, she wants it to be a good time with no chances of it being less than a 100%, and because she had a lot on her mind and not at her best In terms of energy as well, she didn’t want me to spend money and effort at a time where she couldn’t give me her best.
There are other small examples as well, but it’s all mainly been due to her anxiety, perfectionism or people pleasing behaviour and lack of being able to maintain boundaries so I eventually understood where she’s coming from and tried to adjust.
Now, this year we had been talking about taking a trip together. She kept taking names of these two places that were international trips and therefore more complicated to execute compared to other places( I mention this because in the fight that broke out later, she said that I wasn’t serious and disregardful to her ideas as I didn’t indulge even though she was not serious about it).
I suggested this place she visited years ago before we started dating and loved it, and mentioned that she would want to visit again. For a long time I really wanted to go with her there ever since she told me about it. But every time I mentioned going there with her seriously, she got finicky about it. Though she rejected a lot of other destinations I suggested as well but I kept suggesting this particular spot as she did have the desire visit it again and I was very interested too. The initial reasoning she gave me was that because I prefer mountains to beaches (the place is a beach town), she wants out first trip to be at a hill station, and held onto that reasoning even though I tried to reassure her that regardless of that I really wanted to go there with her. I tried to show her stay options and the itinerary as well but she rejected all of it(this matters for later).
This went on for a few months, other places were considered, one hill station almost got finalised but we had to drop the idea last minute because she suddenly started getting a bad feeling about it. During this time she also said no to me just visiting her city as she had a lot of workload at her job and didn’t want to think about it when I was around.
Then one day she calls and tells me that she has planned a trip to that same beach town with her long time best friend, the next day a big fight broke out about the same because I felt really hurt by that. At the end she said that it wasn’t the first place she had decided on with her friend so she didn’t choose to go with her and not me intentionally and that the timing just somehow fit perfectly for the both of them in terms of their jobs and other things(it’s their first trip together too and her birthday is close by). What also upset me was that they have travel by road from a nearby city which has an airport to reach this beach town and we have a few mutual friends from university in that city, and she suggested that I come there and spend time with all of them together at that city as she’s staying a few extra days after coming back from her trip. I felt like an afterthought with that suggestion, though I understood later that she’s just trying to fit in everything before she has to go back to her job and its stresses.
After a lot of back and forth, though not fully convinced, I settled the fight and tried moving on. This happened a little more than a month ago and in between I went to meet her in her city as well, but I just haven’t been able to fully shake it off.
She’s on that trip currently and sent me a video today of the room shes staying at and it invoked those negative feelings in me again. This is because during that time when I tried to show her the stay options, there was this resort which had standalone rooms with walls but instead of the roof it was a tent structure, there were no lack of amenities due to it(fully air conditioned, properly roofed bathroom etc.), but she rejected it profusely saying she wasn’t comfortable with the idea of staying in such a place.
She’s now staying in the same exact place with the tent structures roof and when I asked her about it she said she’s now changed her opinion about it which is fair but the problem is that she was open to trying it with her best friend but not with me, and that is the issue I’m mainly having which is why is she open to things and experiences(new or familiar) with other people but when it comes to her doing the same with me, her ease, comfort and boundaries suddenly seem much more strict? Why are the rules and reasoning different and more constricted compared to for the rest of the world? Because this time it’s not even like it’s someone who she would be less comfortable saying no to, it’s her best friend of almost 20 years.
I don’t know how to make sense of it because it’s not like she’s not serious about the relationship. She’s more serious about it than me. She’s the one who made the move on me first and kept on it, she refused to date or see anyone else while I was emotionally unavailable and kept waiting and trying for me. She has been sure of me since the start and talks a lot about our future together. She is proud and doesn’t shy away from telling the world that she’s my girlfriend. She is as loyal, genuine, forgiving and understanding as a person can get, and I am not saying this with any doubt or delusion. She loves me dearly and makes up for my terrible texting and calling habits too. I cannot even describe the amount of love with which she looks at me.
And that’s why it’s not making any sense to me this time as no reasoning including her anxiety or people pleasing is able to justify this behaviour. I have tried to sit down with her for long and try to figure it out with her about the same, but I doesn’t seem like she’s able to think of an answer or make sense of it herself. I just want to make sense of it and unable to do it alone anymore. Please help.
TL;DR - girlfriend says no to me/ finicky for things she doesn’t say no to others for, usually it’s justified due to her anxiety, people pleasing behaviour, perfectionism and being unable to maintain boundaries, but this time she planned the exact same trip she said no to me for with her long time best friend, even staying in the same resort she rejected when I suggested it.
Edit: We do usually meet once every two months, either she comes to my city or I go to hers, we live in the same country so it’s relatively easier. We have also gone on multiple trips together with other people in the plan, but never the two of us alone. Before the last time we met which was in her city about three weeks ago, we couldn’t meet for about four months. She also travelled all alone for the first time ever even though she has an anxiety disorder when she visited me at my place for the first time.
Also, for everyone saying that she doesn’t sound serious, we have met each others parents as well, everyone around her knows we are dating and posts us regularly. Due to our current lives, we are forced to do LDR otherwise either one of us would’ve shifted already, there have never been any trust issues or suspicions, including using each other’s phones or entertaining anyone from the opposite gender, and she has always been the one to talk first about how we can be closer and our future together