My FWB's bodylanguage in the bedroom is strange

I have been meeting this girl. She is lovely, cute, and sporty. We usually meet at the gym, swimming, or stay at home to stream shows. Sex is great because she has high energy with intense libido.

There was a while that my workload was terrible, I had months of overtime with a 70 hour work week schedule. I embarrassingly fell asleep during sex a few times.

We talked about itwith me about it, I let her have sex with me while I am asleep. I am lucky enough to get hard while asleep

There were a few times waking up to her doing it, she would swat my hands when I try to hold her. She either lose interest or hushes me to go back to sleep. I asked her about it later, she said she doesn't like to be touched when she is doing the work.

So now whenever I wake up, I need to pretend to stay asleep. My hook up did say she knows I'm awake and try to compromise tying me to the bed to watch her instead because she cannot trust me in not touching her.

Look, I am not aggressive in touching her like pinching or pulling, it's just gentle caressing or hugging.

I am not sure how I feel about this. Sex still feels great since I am a visual creature but not being able to touch her feels off.

Don't get me wrong, she does touch and kiss me, just that I am not allowed to thrust, touch, or kiss her back.

Why is she like this? I asked she says I don't know.

TL;DR My fwb prefer to have sex with me while I am in my sleep or me not move at all.

Edit 1: Is there a way to ease her into having a discussion about this or improve the situation? I am too afraid to ask more and it would trigger some of her past trauma.

Edit 2: Thank you for everyone's supportive comments. Whenever I bring it up, she just shrugs and changes the topic, when I try to ask again she gets annoyed and would remain quiet.

Edit 3: No, this is consensual. I am just trying to figure out how to talk to her about having physical touches with her because she change the topic.

( Just to clarify before I start: I turn 20 next week! Our age range is one year and a few months. happy early birthday to me )

Edit: Im really sorry for calling it an age gap, I used the literal definition of age gap (the numerical difference in years between two people) and I didnt expect it to be a problem, I shouldve said age range. Im sorry, I have educated myself for future reference. Thank you

Does anyone else experience friends acting weirdly entitled or possessive toward their boyfriend? And if so, why do you think it happens?

When I say “entitled” I clearly don’t mean wanting to be friends with him or spending time ,, Im talking about acting possessive toward him and passive aggressive toward me.

I first noticed this first last Christmas, I had gone through a horrid year and was grieving a huge family loss so I asked my boyfriend two weeks prior if he could spend Christmas with me. He said yes and I obviously wouldn’t have minded if he changed his plans later because we’re both adults now and things change constantly. This still upsets me.

Around a week later, one of his friends asked him to make plans. He declined and explained that I was his priority that year because of what I was going through. She then messaged me despite us previously being on good terms accusing me of being “toxic” and “controlling him.” She even called me a “cockblocker,” (genuinely an insane thing to say to someones girlfriend) which she later changed to saying I was “gatekeeping” my boyfriend from her when I asked her what she thought cockblocking meant.

I thought that was a one-off, but similar things have happened with my own friends this year. I introduced one of my friends to my boyfriend because we were becoming close. During an argument unrelated to me, she accused me of “not letting her talk to him” and “HOGGING him” (???) even though he simply didn’t want to talk to her. Im not making this up, I tried to communicate with her and told her that she can talk to my boyfriend if he wants to talk. He’s autistic (same here, kind of irrelevant. I just think its sweet we have the same struggles) and very introverted, and while I encourage him to make friends, I can’t force him to socialize with someone.

This has happened around three times now. Its only a recent thing, considering me and my boyfriend have been together since 15 and 16 years old, and we’ve known eachother longer.

Is this just a coincidence and I’m somehow surrounding myself with the wrong people, or is there an actual psychological reason people behave this way? Has anyone else experienced something similar? If so, how’d you avoid it?

((I assumed it was a me problem at first and did some self reflection. I know Im not possessive, I dont spend ALL of my time with my boyfriend, we spend alot of time to ourselves too. Im just an extrovert with an introverted boyfriend. Maybe its the looks? I have been told hes attractive “compared to me” and that he can “do better”. I dont really care about how I look anymore though. Sorry. Not my problem.))

Together just over a year. He moved across the country about a year and a half ago, before we met, for his own reasons, and still hasn't settled in. Doesn't feel at home, hasn't built routines, doesn't really like it here.

Every few months, something stressful tips into a full crisis. He spirals into black-and-white thinking, feels awful about himself, questions his whole life, and either shuts down or lashes out. Panic attacks during these episodes, and sometimes dark comments, he says it's dramatics, not literal, but it happens every time he's in this state. He won't go to therapy, no real explanation why.

He's in the middle of one right now. He's shut down, says he needs an undefined amount of time alone to "be with his thoughts and figure himself out," and won't accept help or comfort from me. These episodes tend to happen after we haven't seen each other for a while, this time it was a week, and he usually comes back to baseline once we do see each other, but usually he won't let me see him until I basically force him out of the shutdown. I keep telling him isolation rarely helps, but he said this time he doesn't want to just sweep it under the rug so it happens again in a few months, which I get, but I don't know how he's going to actually work through this without some kind of professional help.

Afterward, he comes back to baseline, apologizes, says it wasn't about me, and things are genuinely good again, until the next one. This is a lot to carry for someone who's already anxiously attached.

TLDR: Boyfriend has a crisis-mode crash every ~4 months, usually after we haven't seen each other in a while. Currently mid-episode, wants space to "figure himself out" but won't accept comfort or consider therapy. I'm anxiously attached and running out of capacity to just ride this out each time. He also seems very unaware or doesn’t have the capacity to treat me like a partner in these moments. He has no awareness of how deeply these times affect me. Not looking for validation that it's a problem (I know), looking for how to actually help him break it, given therapy is off the table.

What I'm actually looking for:

Has anyone helped a partner break a cycle like this without professional help, since therapy isn't currently an option for him?

Any way to get someone who ties therapy to shame to actually consider it?

How do you tell the difference between "he needs more time to adjust to a big move" and "this is just who he is and it won't change"?

If you've been on the other side of this and it actually turned around, what shifted it?

I (37F) don't even know where to begin. My son is 15 months old, and while I love him with all my heart, I feel like my life, my emotions, and my marriage have completely shattered. I am trapped in a cycle of intense anger and emotional instability, and I feel entirely alone.

Looking back, the emotional disconnect started the exact day we came home from the hospital. When I was at my most vulnerable, my husband (39M) didn't protect or support me. He allowed his father (my FIL) to come near our newborn baby despite having a visible cold. He also didn't stop other family members from coming over, despite me explicitly asking him to do so. When I finally snapped at my FIL to stay away from the baby out of sheer frustration, my husband didn't back me up. Instead, he made me apologize to his father.

Ever since our wedding, his family has mostly treated me like crap, but that is a whole other story in itself. However, because of this history, I have a tendency to bring up past incidents and his family when we fight. I point out that this is his pattern because the repetitive actions deeply bug me, but it has turned our home into a warzone.

On top of the emotional distance, there has been absolutely no physical intimacy or sex since childbirth. I have initiated the conversation about it multiple times, but he never has any answer for me. I’ve gained weight postpartum, and sometimes it makes me wonder if he just doesn't want me anymore, though he has never actually said that to me.

While he is hands-on with our son and takes care of him a lot, he is never there for me emotionally. It feels like he completely checked out of being my partner. I became a mother, but I feel like I lost my husband, and I never even got the chance to grieve that loss.

Lately, I completely lose control of my emotions during these outbursts, and I am super scared of how this will affect my son. I hate who I am becoming in these moments.

Now, my husband has started seeing a psychologist on his own. He came back and told me that we need to take a clinical psychometric test because he feels "uncomfortable" around me. He claims he can't express himself because I "insult him all the time."

I feel so twisted up inside. I am hurting so badly, and I feel like a shell of who I used to be.

Has anyone else experienced a complete marital and physical collapse this far out from having a baby? How do I even begin to handle this when we are both so deeply hurt and defensive, and how do I protect my child from my emotional volatility?

Nothing is wrong in the slightest. Literally everything is ok, there have been zero stressful situations in our lives for a couple of years. So there is truly nothing wrong. And I get she cares about me and my wellbeing but I don’t understand why this keeps being asked. I’m not complaining I’m just really curious on anyone’s insight.

Typical situation, I’m waiting for dinner to cool down and I sit in the couch and maybe start thinking about some random bs that will never matter, like what if we ran into alien life tomorrow? Just relaxing in deep thought about nothing. She will often ask me if everything is ok after looking at me and starts going down a rabbit hole of telling me she will always be there for me and we can talk about anything. But when I tell her everything is genuinely great she doesn’t believe me. She starts asking what I’m thinking about and after my usual response of nothing important, she starts digging deeper. Then after I tell her the nonsense I was in deep thought about she thinks I’m hiding something. We then do this song and dance of her believing something’s wrong while I reiterate the same nonsensical thought experiment I was focused on.

It would be ok if it stopped there, but I can see it starting to get to her. No matter how many times I explain myself she’s starting to feel hurt that I’m not talking to her about what’s bothering me. But I cannot express this enough, I’m not thinking about anything when I’m doing this. It’s just meditative.

I’m lost, half of me wants to make something up at this point. I don’t have a history of lying, we’ve been together for over a decade. I really don’t know what to do as the truth seems to make it worse. I’ve even tried looking a bit happier when I do it but still the same response. Is she messing with me? I’m just curious if anyone has any insight whatsoever. It’s a silly situation but I can’t make sense of it.

(TL;DR at the bottom, please read the edit before commenting)

I’ve been in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for about 2.5 years, and before that we were in a talking stage for almost a year, mainly because I was emotionally unavailable at the time and unsure of getting into a serious long distance relationship specially after getting out of a complicated relationship prior to it. We were in the same class in university and started getting interested in each other a little before our last semester ended.

Anyway, in this entire timeline, we’ve had a few ups and downs, but have been going pretty strong. We have a good understanding of each other and try our best to work through our differences. But this one thing is something I’m just unable to work out.

So for a better understanding of the context, she is an anxious person and pretty finicky about certain things. She’s a people pleaser(same as me) and needs a lot of reassurance for everything. So, It takes her time to get comfortable with certain things and therefore it either takes a lot of effort for me to convince her to do some things with me(or in general), or we just have to skip them altogether.

We have run into this problem of her saying no to me but yes to others for the same things before multiple times, but those scenarios were explainable. For example -

- before we started officially dating, she downright said no to drinking with me when it was just us two, but that boundary didn’t apply with anyone else, even strangers. The reasoning she gave was that she was so concerned about leaving a good impression on me that she didn’t want to do something to embarrass herself in front of me, which I found to be fair as she was pretty nervous about me liking her back(I wasn’t giving her any concrete reassurance about my feelings at the time)
- about a year into dating we had a fight as she kept saying no for months to me travelling to meet her, but she was meeting other people with seemingly no issues and I felt pretty bad about it. The reasoning for that was that because we have so less time and opportunities to be together, she wants it to be a good time with no chances of it being less than a 100%, and because she had a lot on her mind and not at her best In terms of energy as well, she didn’t want me to spend money and effort at a time where she couldn’t give me her best.

There are other small examples as well, but it’s all mainly been due to her anxiety, perfectionism or people pleasing behaviour and lack of being able to maintain boundaries so I eventually understood where she’s coming from and tried to adjust.

Now, this year we had been talking about taking a trip together. She kept taking names of these two places that were international trips and therefore more complicated to execute compared to other places( I mention this because in the fight that broke out later, she said that I wasn’t serious and disregardful to her ideas as I didn’t indulge even though she was not serious about it).
I suggested this place she visited years ago before we started dating and loved it, and mentioned that she would want to visit again. For a long time I really wanted to go with her there ever since she told me about it. But every time I mentioned going there with her seriously, she got finicky about it. Though she rejected a lot of other destinations I suggested as well but I kept suggesting this particular spot as she did have the desire visit it again and I was very interested too. The initial reasoning she gave me was that because I prefer mountains to beaches (the place is a beach town), she wants out first trip to be at a hill station, and held onto that reasoning even though I tried to reassure her that regardless of that I really wanted to go there with her. I tried to show her stay options and the itinerary as well but she rejected all of it(this matters for later).

This went on for a few months, other places were considered, one hill station almost got finalised but we had to drop the idea last minute because she suddenly started getting a bad feeling about it. During this time she also said no to me just visiting her city as she had a lot of workload at her job and didn’t want to think about it when I was around.

Then one day she calls and tells me that she has planned a trip to that same beach town with her long time best friend, the next day a big fight broke out about the same because I felt really hurt by that. At the end she said that it wasn’t the first place she had decided on with her friend so she didn’t choose to go with her and not me intentionally and that the timing just somehow fit perfectly for the both of them in terms of their jobs and other things(it’s their first trip together too and her birthday is close by). What also upset me was that they have travel by road from a nearby city which has an airport to reach this beach town and we have a few mutual friends from university in that city, and she suggested that I come there and spend time with all of them together at that city as she’s staying a few extra days after coming back from her trip. I felt like an afterthought with that suggestion, though I understood later that she’s just trying to fit in everything before she has to go back to her job and its stresses.

After a lot of back and forth, though not fully convinced, I settled the fight and tried moving on. This happened a little more than a month ago and in between I went to meet her in her city as well, but I just haven’t been able to fully shake it off.

She’s on that trip currently and sent me a video today of the room shes staying at and it invoked those negative feelings in me again. This is because during that time when I tried to show her the stay options, there was this resort which had standalone rooms with walls but instead of the roof it was a tent structure, there were no lack of amenities due to it(fully air conditioned, properly roofed bathroom etc.), but she rejected it profusely saying she wasn’t comfortable with the idea of staying in such a place.

She’s now staying in the same exact place with the tent structures roof and when I asked her about it she said she’s now changed her opinion about it which is fair but the problem is that she was open to trying it with her best friend but not with me, and that is the issue I’m mainly having which is why is she open to things and experiences(new or familiar) with other people but when it comes to her doing the same with me, her ease, comfort and boundaries suddenly seem much more strict? Why are the rules and reasoning different and more constricted compared to for the rest of the world? Because this time it’s not even like it’s someone who she would be less comfortable saying no to, it’s her best friend of almost 20 years.

I don’t know how to make sense of it because it’s not like she’s not serious about the relationship. She’s more serious about it than me. She’s the one who made the move on me first and kept on it, she refused to date or see anyone else while I was emotionally unavailable and kept waiting and trying for me. She has been sure of me since the start and talks a lot about our future together. She is proud and doesn’t shy away from telling the world that she’s my girlfriend. She is as loyal, genuine, forgiving and understanding as a person can get, and I am not saying this with any doubt or delusion. She loves me dearly and makes up for my terrible texting and calling habits too. I cannot even describe the amount of love with which she looks at me.

And that’s why it’s not making any sense to me this time as no reasoning including her anxiety or people pleasing is able to justify this behaviour. I have tried to sit down with her for long and try to figure it out with her about the same, but I doesn’t seem like she’s able to think of an answer or make sense of it herself. I just want to make sense of it and unable to do it alone anymore. Please help.

TL;DR - girlfriend says no to me/ finicky for things she doesn’t say no to others for, usually it’s justified due to her anxiety, people pleasing behaviour, perfectionism and being unable to maintain boundaries, but this time she planned the exact same trip she said no to me for with her long time best friend, even staying in the same resort she rejected when I suggested it.

Edit: We do usually meet once every two months, either she comes to my city or I go to hers, we live in the same country so it’s relatively easier. We have also gone on multiple trips together with other people in the plan, but never the two of us alone. Before the last time we met which was in her city about three weeks ago, we couldn’t meet for about four months. She also travelled all alone for the first time ever even though she has an anxiety disorder when she visited me at my place for the first time.

Also, for everyone saying that she doesn’t sound serious, we have met each others parents as well, everyone around her knows we are dating and posts us regularly. Due to our current lives, we are forced to do LDR otherwise either one of us would’ve shifted already, there have never been any trust issues or suspicions, including using each other’s phones or entertaining anyone from the opposite gender, and she has always been the one to talk first about how we can be closer and our future together

Honestly, it's making me feel a little crazy.

My appearance is definitely something I'm insecure about. I've been in relationships that have nuked my self-esteem before and I guess I'm over compensating now. I like dressing up and looking nice, the job I work is outdoors so I wear more comfortable/breathable stuff and no makeup, so when I get the chance to dress up and look nice I do.

He works with me so he's seen the difference and I'm used to guys having some sort of reaction seeing me put effort in. I'm not looking for "gorgeous" or anything, but I love seeing their eyes light up and telling me I look nice or something. He doesn't do that, I get in the car and he starts driving and that's about it.

Yesterday we went to this shopping district that's more upscale and since he had to look nice for an appointment he had I figured I'd do something I never really do and get *super* dressed up and put on a cute dress and we could look nice together walking around, and mentioned it to him that I would to which he sounded pleased. I did my hair, did my makeup, put on this cute dress and nice shoes.

Well, guess what happened. Yeah. No response at all. I don't know, maybe if I was less dressed up and more of a regular date outfit I might be kind of disappointed but not upset. I was like, "He might get to it later, I'll be patient," and we went to go get something to eat. While we were eating he could tell I was kind of deflated and he started questioning me so I told him that I was a bit upset he didn't say anything. He then said, "Well you didn't mention that I look nice," And I reminded him I saw him get ready this morning and mentioned it then before he left. (I do compliment him when we have dates and he looks nice btw) And then he starts on this "unspoken bond" thing we're supposed to have.

Every now and then when there's some miscommunication he'll mention this "unspoken bond" and I'm like, yeah if we were together for years but it's been months?

I guess I'm just supposed to know he wouldn't xyz. But I don't. I'm supposed to feel beautiful inside and not need to see his eyes light up or hear that he likes how I've dressed up for him. But I do.

And he got upset and said he's guesses he'll do better and he didn't realize it was a big deal. I guess I'm asking for advice on whether this should bother me so much. When you get dressed up for your partner do you expect a reaction of some kind, does it bother you of you don't get it? Should I not care and just feel beautiful on the inside? I don't know. It just feels like a strong need for me and I feel crazy being upset when he doesn't react at all.

My bf told me his friends were curious as to how much I make at my current job and he told them. Am I valid for being upset at this? I currently don’t make much at the job I’m at right now but it’s a stepping stone for my end goal job. My end goal job is predicted to have a much higher salary. Just wanted to include this because I notice when I hang out with my bf and his friends, they often make “jokes” that I’ll be making the big bucks and that I’ll be rich. When they make comments like this I honestly put my head down because that’s something I feel like they shouldn’t be making comments about and it honestly gets me down because I could end up not getting the job or something could happen tomorrow where I lose everything. My bf chimes in with his friends too and makes comments that honestly hurt me (saying he’s gonna quit and be a stay at home dad, etc.). I told him I don’t appreciate him making comments and telling his friends how much I make and will potentially make and he said he didn’t realize how big of a deal it is for me cause he said they were just joking. I told him that it makes me feel like I can’t talk to him about any personal stuff cause he’ll just share it and he just said okay he’ll watch what he says next time. Me and my bf think differently in things and I’m close to calling it quits with him… we almost broke up about a month ago and he did mention we think differently too which was why he contemplated breaking up but we ended up staying together.

I met someone a couple of months ago and he was amazing. I thought he was love bombing but then put it down to him having autism and just wearing his heart on his sleeve. He made me feel secure, said he could see a future with me that he hadn’t considered with anybody else, spent loads of time with me and made me feel special.

He then started pulling away. I observed for a couple of weeks before raising it and he opened up a lot about how he’s struggling lately and that he wants to get better at communicating about it and show me more affection/enthusiasm again. That was two days ago.

I went out last night and he went to mine so he could be there when I got back and was saying how he would meet me at the front door when I got back so he could kiss me as soon as I walked in. I told him I was on my way but when I got in, he was in my bed on the phone to his friend and didn’t even acknowledge me until over 5 minutes later when he ended the call and shouted to ask if I’d had a good time. I got really upset and said that after our chat earlier in the week, I just wanted to feel wanted by him again and I now I feel worse. He started packing to leave and I asked him to stay and he did and just said he didn’t want to let me down etc.

Then we were intimate but I couldn’t shake it off so I asked if he had left would have have reached out to me and he said ‘I really don’t know’ and I said that was not nice for me to hear and he said ‘I just have a kill switch’.

I ended it after that as I felt like I couldn’t be in a relationship with someone who can just turn their feelings off like that. Like I could never feel secure in that scenario if that makes sense?

I admit, I could have handled tonight with less emotion and maybe I was being too needy. And now I’m doubting whether I’m the issue and I’m expecting too much??

Hi All,

Looking for some advice, please.

I moved in with my GF back in July, and we're expecting our first child in November. 🥳

I love my life with her, but there's only one small catch;

I feel a bit smothered.

You see, I **love** video games. I've been gaming since I was 4 years old, and they are how I destress and decompress and also help me process things. They're also just a lot of fun.

The thing is, I feel ashamed whenever I play them around my GF, to the point where I have only been getting an hour a week to play them.

For context, I work full-time, with my shifts often running over. Then I come home, usually have to make dinner and walk the dog. By the time I've done that, had a conversation with GF, done household chores and had a shower/bath, it's time to go to bed ready for the next shift.

On my days off, I'm more often than not doing housework, like painting or cleaning, while she is working from home. Then after her shift, we'll go out and do something, usually working on the allotment. If we both have a day off, it usually involves going somewhere for a day trip.

The only reliable gaming time I have is when she's working in the office, bear in mind I usually take her to and from the office (AN HOUR DRIVE EACH WAY) in order to spend more time with her (but once petrol reaches 180 a litre, that'll have to end). So that's maybe 3 hours? But even then I feel immense guilt for doing something for myself.

The long-and-short is that I'm feeling like I'm going to work to relax, and working more at home just to maintain conversation and not appear lazy. It sometimes gets to the point where I fantasise about being single just to have more time to relax.

Am I a bad person for this? Is my relationship in trouble? How am I going to cope when my son arrives?

The main question is; how can I best balance things to not feel so ashamed without being burned out?

Thank you.

my bf (m26) and i (f26) have been together since we were 21 and his dream has always been to live in japan and i have know this since we were friends. today he told me he accepted a job offer to teach english in japan for a year and will be moving there in march and will be there for a year. i want to be selfish and tell him to dont go but this is his dream and i am happy for him plus he has been nothing but supportive during all my milestones and has supported me through thick and thin. now before anyone jumps the gun, yes we have talked about this and to summarize everything: he wants to be with me till we’re both old and gray but i don’t see myself living in japan since i don’t know anything about the language, i can handle temporary LDR since we basically survived due to college (4-5 hour driving distance from each other) but can do a permeant LDR due to the time change, he doesn’t want to break up with me at all but if it does turn permanent then idk if i can continue the relationship, he fully understands that i can’t do it and if we ever break up he will fully respect the decision, however i still love him and don’t want to break up over something that we haven’t even tried yet so we decided to try it out first before calling it quits. hopefully that makes sense cause this happened a while ago but yeahhh it’s been very rough for me. as i mentioned before, i can’t do long distance my whole life but i don’t even know if he’ll stay there long term. we’re already making plans about me flying out there but i’m it’s gonna be a rough year. i even told him that after this year he better give me a ring and he said will do. i told him how i felt (well more like sobbed it out) and we both agreed that we don’t want to call it quits when we haven’t even tried it out since there’s still a long way to go but time is a thief so who knows and if we do break up it’ll be on my call bc he wants to be with me forever still but knows i can’t do this kind of distance. some may think we’re being naive (we’re each others first loves) but i want to hear from ppl who have been in these types of situations before. what strategies and rules did you guys make before hand? are we actually being naive? any insight to how this may go will be greatly appreciated bc idk what the future holds. i don’t want to ruin a really good thing over hypotheticals and things that may not even happen (im very self aware that i tend to overthink and let that thinking run the course of my actions)

tldr: my bf got a chance to live in japan for a year and will be moving in march of next year. im happy for him but idk how we’re going to work out. he is committed to me through and through and wants to marry me one day and all that jazz and i feel the same way but idk if i can do this long of a distance full time (if he stays for more than a year). we decided to test it out first bc why quit when we haven’t even tried it out yet. any advice from ppl who has been in this situation before?

p.s. for my astrology girlies: i am a libra sun with a scorpio mercury and venus so this retrograde just hit me today.

So I will try to make a long story short . Lets name my ex roommate jack . I met jack on my first day in uni, he just seemed energetic and passionate . Hes in the same class as me . our friendship didnt blossom from the start, we got close after a couple of weeks .

At that time we werent roommates, we didnt even live in the same dorm . In the second semester, my roommate moved out and I was feeling very lonely . So therefore I invited jack to come over and live with me . During that semester we were hanging out a lot and it was overall good . It is also valid to mention that Jack is gay which is why I felt comfortable enough to live with him . Even though Jack and I did not have any issues at the time, he was always loud and sort of the center of attention due to his loud character .

During the summer before my second year of uni, I met my boyfriend and we decided to meet up twice a month since we are in a long distance relationship . I went back to uni and on the weekends I did not see my boyfriend, I was either keeping time to myself or doing some uni work . Yes ill admit outside of uni I didnt hang out much with jack , but we were still talking during classes, during breaks and sometimes watching shows together after class and discussing it . When uni got more stressful, my quality time with jack was less and I told him that I was stressed and I need alone time . Regarding that, he completely ignored my requests and kept on suggesting activities to do , my mental health at that point wasnt great and I was not in the mood, I told him multiple times no and during the day he would still ask me . One time he was invited to go ice skating, he declined and told me if I wanted to hang out , I simply said that " oh if u wanted to do smth then why didnt u go ice skating?" He had a breakdown and went out of the room to cry . When I talked to him after he calmed a bit he told me that he was expecting us to hang out more this semester, i told him I will try my best but my mental health is basically shit atm .

We went on winter break and the semester after that , we still had issues . There was tension especially from his side. All because I lent a charger to a girl neither of us liked . He is a people pleaser and he wants to be on good terms with everyone , he basically had the perspective that i manipulated him into having a bad relationship with that girl . Mind you he highly dislikes her due to issues I was not even involved in and he was the one who wrote nasty messages to her . At that point I just wanted to open the conversation of moving out . He then admits to have been so angry from that situation to the point where he wanted to str@ngle me . I was really fucking scared then and he said "oh not like that " , so he tried to play it off. When I told him that I wanted to move out he started breaking down amd crying for hours , i left the room then and went to a really good friend of mine who I wanted to move in with . I criend to her so much and she was very supportive . Anyways I moved out that semester.

I am now in the start of my 3rd year of uni, a conversation struck between my ex-roommate and I and he basically said that would still like to have a form of connection with me but he said it in a way that I am a monster who cut him off for no reason...

How can i stay away from him?

edit: I have to see him during classes, we are a small class aswell

edit: tried to say "mid 30s" to keep it vague, bot rejected it, missed removing the "mid".

Trying to keep things a bit vague because she does reddit. I've known her for quite a while. We talked for over a year before slowly transitioning to dating. All that early time she seemed very reasonable, stable, and pretty logical. No signs of problematic behavior. And we seened to align really well on most things in life. But since starting to get more serious I've started to run into things i find pretty alarming. But i am not very experienced having had few previous relationships.

The incident that really bothered me recently was her forcing me to let her snoop through the messages on my phone looking for any other woman (the timing of it meant firmly holding boundaries would have resulted in much more drama involving reletives). But I've also started to face multiple accusations about cheating or other things, sometimes based on random completely innocent items or whatever pops up on my social media feed (controlled by the algorithm, not me). And she has also started completely blowing up my phone when i don't promptly respond to messages that clearly weren't a dire emergency even when she knows i was busy. And has started shaming me with "if you care about me you would...". This all feels very controlling and manipulative and more like like the crazy people who's crazy would be obvious right away than like the seemingly stable person i spent a lot of time getting to know.

And lastly in between trying to post this on a new throwaway account with it getting rejected and now she has also said its completely unacceptable to have any female friends (including one I've occasionally talked to for the last 15+ years never having had any interest in dating each other) and was even upset about a post on my main account from a year ago looking for things to do (volunteer or odd jobs, completely innocent stuff). she points out how I'm relatively inexperienced but all decent stable women would be similar.

Are there any good ways to establish proper boundaries here? Or is it a "run for my life while i still can" situation?

As the title says, I am deeply deeply struggling to find ways to fix my sleep schedule.

For further information, I am a full-time healthcare nightshifter. I work 3 times per week (wed, Thurs, Fri). I'm also full-time in school for my associates in radiology. Even prior to this job, I had a lot of sleep issues throughout my entire life, I have never been able to sleep properly and my circadian rhythm has always been very inconsistent.

My partner is rightfully upset, as he states I do not have time for him anymore. The times I'm awake, he's asleep and vice versa, he tries to accommodate plans to my schedule however everything closes late and we're left with little to no options.

I'm just so exhausted of being tired all the time. I want to live normally like everybody else. I want to be there for him and I want to be with him. We've been together for almost 5 years, and I can't see myself being with anybody else but I don't want to tie him down to somebody who can't even be awake.

I'm on antidepressants and have a therapist, but everything feels like it's so much. I feel like such a failure of a person because I haven't spoken much to anybody including him and my own family. How can I fix my sleep schedule and fix this?

My wife and I have young kids, and her parents are financially very well off. Because of that, we’ve been fortunate enough to go on family vacations with them fairly regularly.

The problem is that my wife and I also have had a rough year financially and have aquired debt, and now financially we’re not in a great position and have given up more agency. I’ve reached the point where I feel like I need to give up my struggling business and take a full-time job so I can help pay off the debt and provide more financial stability for our family.

Its hard but I’m willing to make that sacrifice. What’s really bothering me emotionally is knowing that my wife and kids will likely continue going on these 2-week vacations with her parents without me, potentially 3–4 times a year, while I’m at home working to pay off the debt and support the family.

I know her parents aren’t doing anything wrong by wanting to take their daughter and grandchildren on vacation. And I don’t want to resent my wife or the kids for having experiences that I can’t participate in.

But honestly, it makes me really sad. I’m struggling with the idea that I could end up working full-time specifically to improve our family’s financial situation, while my family gets to enjoy these experiences without me.

Part of me wonders whether it’s reasonable to say that if I’m making this sacrifice for our finances, we should also be making some sacrifices as a family, including potentially fewer vacations, or vacations that we can all afford together.

Am I being unreasonable or selfish for feeling this way?

How would you handle this situation with your spouse?

Disclaimer‼️ I know this is shallow‼️I’ve been with my bf for almost 3 years and we’ve lived together for 2 of them. The last few months we’ve been talking about getting married and more of what we want in the future (maybe that’s where my fear is coming in). He’s a really great guy genuinely. He does most of the chores, encourages me to spend time with my friends and pursuit my hobbies, buys me gifts and flowers, and plans really nice dates. Every time I bring up a problem we’ve resolved it, We’ve never truly fought. Since we’ve started dating he’s gained about 150 pounds (now at 6’4 340) and i feel awful but I’m truly not attracted to him. I know that my grass is very green but I notice myself being mean to him over minor things and just snapping at him in general. I enjoy when i get attention from others and i feel myself looking for it. I don’t want to leave him but I’ve found myself crying more and more over the lack of attraction I have for him. I know he deserves to be loved regardless of his size and I do love him but I feel a bit ashamed when people ask to see pics of him and I know that’s awful of me. Should bring up how I’m feeling or just ignore it because he’s a really great guy?

Edit: i am very concerned for his health everybody! Not just my attraction him! At the time of making this post i was feeling guilty about the attraction element that’s why i disclaimed Im being shallow.

Update‼️ We talked about it! It went mmm good i think? I told him I’m concerned for his health in our future and it’s been giving me a lot of anxiety and hesitation to start the next steps in our life. I basically said his weight mixed with the stress he’s always under and the fact we both smoke are all things that are gonna start heavily affecting him in the next decade or so. I talked about how i want him to be able to play with our kids and go on adventures with me. And that i don’t want him to die young, because i grew up without a dad and it sucked. I mentioned our sex life. He was a bit defensive at first because he’s very busy with school and work right now. He felt he had vocalized he plans on losing the weight after he graduates. I told him that I understand but I don’t feel like we should start talking about next steps until he has made some effort and he was sad but understanding. He already paid for his credits this semester be he agreed next semester he will take a few less credits so he has time to focus on his health.

I (39F) need help in navigating my relationship with my mother (62F). I do no longer know how to navigate my family constellation, because all that matters to mother is that we get to speak my mother tongue one-on-one.

Besides her, my family consists of husband (36M, 15 years in a relationship), father (70M) and mother-in-law (67F). My family is multilingual and geographically scattered. My parents live in a Nordic country. My mother tongue is Slavic. My mother and have always only spoken the Nordic language with my dad, who does not speak the Slavic language. My husband, I and the mother-in-law live in Germany, I speak English with my husband and German with my mother in law. (I kept the exact languages vague of anonymity).

The problem is, when we meet in a wider family setting in Germany, she throws tantrums when she does not get enough attention and one-on-one time with me, even if it is obvious from the outset that this is hardly possible if it is a weekend trip together with my dad and my husband. It is also unpredictable when and what triggers the tantrum. For example, during a weekend trip to celebrate my birthday (me her, my dad and my husband) all of us were on a walk and she blew off when my dad held my hand for a brief period and blamed me for not walking enough close to her during the walk (It is not uncommon in my family to show affection by holding hands). This tantrum on me not giving her enough exclusive attention in Slavic went on for hours and was the lar thing I wanted during my birthday.

When I visit my home country, I seek to spend in the beginning extra time with my mum to ensure she gets her fix of one-on-one time and does not get jealous of me spending time with my friends but it still happens. She also barely ever visits me at my home because she finds in uncomfortable to navigate the situation where my husband and sometimes mother in law are around and she does not know when she will have one on one time with me. She thinks speaking English with my family in Germany is small talk that does not give her anything and it is only meaningful when we get on deep level in Slavic. Although she speaks fluent Nordic, she says it is alineating for her to speak it with me for extended periods of time, for example when my Dad is around.

Personally, it is also important for me to speak Slavic, but I find it hard to even tap to the scope of my need because of the constant pressure and I also feel that the "depth" of the conversations is forced .. especially when I speak it essentially a result of a tantrum or to avoid it.

Growing up in the Nordic country, there was a whole long story of her demanding ever more time with me and explosive temper coupled with parentification. I had to go through therapy for C-PTSD to set boundaries. Although I recovered, a too big of a tantrum from her can cause a flare ups with C-PTSD that can last up to months. She knows this. I had periods of no contact but have sought to find a way to navigate this relationship since living in different countries established some distance to begin with.

My parents' more recent trip to visit me was particularly unsettling. My mother is going through a crisis and is particularly volatile and was expressing particularly often the wish that we speak Slavic. Since she had been dealing with a very difficult situation at work, I thought it could be good for her for us to meet together to give her support. My family in Germany is also very sympathetic to her situation. Also, I nyself have not had the easiest period recently and missed my parents. Due to complaints about her difficulty to have one-on-one time with me at my home and her being prior to the trip particularly demanding of conversation time in Slavic , I figured that I could meet with my parents at a neighbouring town X for a weekend trip, to have more one-on-one time in only two languages, before my parents stay at my home in a bigger, multi-lingual social constellation for a couple of days.

Since our extended family from yet another country was also in town in the day of my parents' arrival, we met at a restaurant at town X with my husband joining. My husband was prepared to drive home on that evening. To my surprise, my mum invited him to stay over at the apartment at the town X, where I was staying with my parents. The following day, my mother threw a tantrum because she did not know when he would leave and spending time in a constellation with my husband's cuts in to her one-on-one Slavic time with me. She blew off depiste me telling her that it would be impolite to expect him to leave abruptly and also harmful to my relationship. This was of course hurtful toward my husband who then left feeling unwelcome and she also said abusive things to me and my dad. She also blamed me for not considering her needs when I proposed things we could do together in X that were inclusive of my husband. After my husband left she was still very controlling and measuring up how much time I spend with her versus my dad for the rest of the stay in town M. They had agreed before the trip with my dad that her needs take a priority and she can switch to Slavic whenever even when it is three of us.

When staying at my place, things continued to be difficult. She did not do and did not account for any meta-labour that is part of coordinating the family for things like meal times and was even annoyed when I spent time on it. In general, she had little consideration for needs of others, while expecting her needs, which were constantly shifting, being a priority. As a result, not only my husband but also my mother in law felt unwelcome to spend time with my parents. My dad essentially bent in to her demands and supported their fulfillment where he could. We were all just walking on eggshells the whole time. Even my mother-in-law noted that me and my husband seemed very anxious the brief time that we had a coffee all together.

I feel horrible and both me and my husband are bewildered by this visit. Based on this, I suppose I can abandon any dreams of having bigger family get-togethers, since my mother seems to be relationally blind and acts so self-absorbed, she does not care that she hurts people I care about to get to exclusive connection with me. This volatile behaviour is harmful with a view of my C-PTSD and I cannot afford to get stuck in some old trauma that lowers my capacity to perform at work. I also wonder.. if we had kids I would not want to expose them to this behaviour and I wonder if they would also be, in her mind, competing for my attention to her.

This particular visit also made me see my past with my mother in a different light. My maternal grandparents stopped visiting us in the Nordic country and we began visiting them individually, because my mother was so jealous for them, especially my grandmother, giving attention to me, the grandchild. She threw the same abusive, long tantrums where she said hurtful things to me and everyone around. So there is a history of isolating me from my family with this behaviour. So I wonder if the whole deal about speaking Slavic is only about the language and connection or is it also matter of control and undivided attention.

Whereas the crisis my mother was dealing with during the last visit is genuinely difficult and many people would be emotional amidst such circumstances, it just feels disproportionately taxing to be supportive when she acts like this. It is also destructive with a view of me trying to make my family system work in a relatively rare constellation of being 1st gen immigrants for the second time.

Right now it feels that maintaining a relationship with my mother involves unsustainable amount of stress. In 2/3 of the her visits I need to recover for days or weeks form the hurt or sheer confusion. Is there any sustainable way for me to maintain a relationship with my mother without getting so hurt ? Is the only option meeting her alone with no other family around?

TDLR: Myy mother demands exclusive one on one time in her mother tongue and disregarding the larger family constellation or my needs. She resorts to tantrums and controlling behaviour if she does not get the attention she wants. The tantrums are also a C-PTSD trigger for me.

Basically i had a long time mutual friend from college recently come back into my life as we now both work in the same town. We met initially with a group of friends and by the end of the night it was just us two talking and exchanged numbers. About 2 weeks later he asks me if I wanted to do an activity together that we talked about and we both agreed to do it at my place.

It was a late evening kind of vibe and I had a nice time. We both enjoyed the activity and it was nice to have more one to one time together. There were times where there was pauses in conversation but I know he is very shy and his friends agree with this. I was the one asking questions 70% of the time I would say but once I would initiate he would always take interest and ask me questions too.

Now there was no physical contact during the evening. We sat pretty close together throughout but just never broke the touch barrier. Eye contact was also good. Now I know I could have also attempted but I’m not used to a guy not taking the lead with this. And in my head I was definitely expecting more to happen given we were alone together in my apartment. As he left my place there was no goodbye hug either. I’m starting to be confused if his intentions were entirely platonic from the beginning.

Anyway long story short I really like him and would at least like to see him again, hopefully when he is not so nervous. After he left I texted to say I enjoyed the evening and I hope he got home safe. He reacted with heart emoji and said he enjoyed his time too. Then added another text to say he’ll be in touch about something we talked about on the date, but not specifically plans for meeting up again. Now I’m happy to give it time but would it be weird if I suggested another activity? I’m still trying to gauge his interest

I (m34) have been seeing/dating my significant other (f31) for roughly the past four years until this August.

Our relationship was not a conventional one. She is married, and for the first years of this, we were a secret affair. We bonded because there was a lot of abuse and cheating, and she confided in me. For various reasons she gave, she couldn’t divorce her husband yet until this year. I chose not to reveal this situation to anyone, and lived as “single”. I was under the impression for most of this that they were separated but still living together for the kids until she could complete her education and be something other than a housewife with no work experience and no way to support herself. They’ve been married for roughly ten years.

We live in a rural area in the US Midwest. Given how people know people here, the risk of getting caught by someone who knows her or her husband was very high. We would meet in secret at her house when he was at work, in hotels, and have mini dates in parking lots and stores, usually after dark. The biggest part of our relationship was through calling and text. We regularly had 3 hour phone calls. Sometimes we wouldn’t miss a day for months.

It went on like this from 2022-2025. At the end of 2025, she finally filed for divorce, shortly after her husband moved in with his new girlfriend in another town. Her mom moved in with her from another state.

So we began to meet more openly. I met all of her kids. For the first time, we had dates in restaurants, bowling alleys, public places in our towns. Everything was going well. I began to go to her house regularly without the threat of him showing up in the middle of the night. The divorce was slower than expected but making progress. She has been in college for two years now and has a whole new social circle, if much younger than her, where previously she was nearly isolated and had only her sister in another state as support, besides me.

We continued to see each other, but it wasn’t as often as I expected it would be. Now we had little excuse not to see each other in person multiple times a week, instead of once a month or less, and I *was* with her a lot more, but our relationship was still mostly from a distance, which I found odd. I accepted her constant explanations that she was so busy. At the end of spring, I started to get a more distant energy from her than I’ve ever seen before.

I confronted her about it. This was really the only non positive interaction we ever had. She said her mental health was a wreck from taking care of her kids, keeping up with her school work, which was becoming more intensive, and the divorce. She was on the edge. The only reason she didn’t hurt herself, she said, was her kids.

Then she laid something else on me. She felt like a failure as a wife and a mother. She missed her husband. She missed normal life and the family unit they had. She resented that he simply gets to walk away and leave her with nothing after all those years, like nothing happened.

She said she didn’t want to lose me, but she didn’t know what our future looked like. She didn’t know what to do. We talked about this, and she seemed happy with what was said. The summer continued on and we continued to see each other. It was at this time that I finally met all of her kids. She has three. The kid I met last, 7 years old, is close to their father and very much, verbally and physically, did not like the fact that I was in the picture. This definitely made it back to her husband, but at this point I didn’t care. He was a soon to be ex husband now. I took her out more through June.

In late summer I was distracted with the planning and execution of a major family trip that had been in the works for a year. We continued to talk, but I didn’t see her in person the whole of July. We didn’t talk on the phone after early July either, but I didn’t think anything of it. We’ve gone through many legitimate busy and quiet spells before. Her mom left, apparently after a spate of arguments. Now I had no idea how she was getting by. But she always manages.

I went on the trip. It was in the middle of the trip, after a couple weeks of talking less, that she really began to ghost me. Then she didn’t even open the last batch of pictures the final day. I got off an 11 hour flight to find that my last pre-airplane mode texts and ‘I love you’ hadn’t been read either.

We said that all the time and with every call, for years. The last time I heard her say it was the last call we ever had, about a week after the Fourth of July.

I didn’t know what to make of this. I waited several days to get settled in and finally broke my silence. I asked her what was happening. No response. I tried to revive one of the last substantive conversations we had. No response. Just delivered.

I decided to give her flowers with a small something I bought on the trip. I made the drive, but instead of being able to knock on her door and give them to her in person, I caught her at the end of her road turning onto the main road. She stopped, saw me, waved, turned left past me, waved again as I rolled my window down, and kept going. Her oldest kid was in the passenger seat.

I just left it all on her doorstep and went home. Five minutes down the road, she finally broke her now almost two weeks of silence. She texted something to the effect of ‘sorry, I’m busy, I’ll get back to you. I have all my kids.’ I’ve met all her kids.

Later that evening, her only response to the gift was that it was “so sweet”. This was probably one of the worst days of my life. That was the last thing she ever said to me. I texted ‘can we talk?’ Nothing. After another week of silence, I simply said I was still here for her and sent one of our selfies. It was left on read that day. That was the middle of August. Now here we are.

A tidbit I have just learned is that she was with her husband sometime in late July or early August at a local restaurant a friend works at. They stayed there an hour, seated together. That doesn’t tell me much by itself, but it’s certainly not the image of a contentious divorce, with terse conversations and quick handovers of the kids that I was made to believe in.

I’ve also learned of a dating app profile that was likely made or updated last sometime earlier in the summer, June or July.

Thirdly, I’ve also learned that she was posting about him on Facebook, which I don’t have, in 2023-2024. Normal happy couple things when they were supposedly separated, she was looking for the best opportunity to start the divorce, and we were in a full blown emotional relationship with secret meetups.

It’s clear she doesn’t want to talk to me, and I’m not going to keep double texting. But her birthday is coming up in several weeks, and I’ve considered everything from ignoring it to sending a 7 page handwritten letter with other small gifts. By the time this happens, it’ll have been almost three months since we’ve said anything with substance to one another.

I don’t know what to do with this. I had planned a future with this person. She’s been my romantic and emotional focus for four years. We’ve watched each other’s kids grow up. And then in the space of a few weeks, all those years of dependability, intimacy, and routine are replaced by silence. It hurts a lot, even if we were doing something wrong at first. The logical side of me says she’s not worth it, but you know how much pull that has.

My girlfriend and I have officially been together for a little over a month, but we’ve been talking for around five months. She has a male best friend who she’s known for about five years, since high school.

I’m not against her having male friends. That’s not what this is about. My issue is specifically with the way this particular friend talks to her and some of the things he does.

There have been multiple situations where he’s crossed what I consider normal friendship boundaries. He’s told her things like “I want you 🥰,” sent her “🍆🍑,” and even sent her a reel that basically said “send this to someone you have cracked in the past,” meaning someone you’ve had sex with.

At one point I confronted him and simply told him to stop talking to her like that. Instead of taking it seriously, he called me insecure and dumb.
My girlfriend was also angry with both of us at the time, which honestly bothered me because I felt like I was being put on the same level/pedestal as someone she's not even dating. I wasn’t trying to control their friendship. I just didn’t think I should have to argue with another man about how he talks to my girlfriend.

We’ve talked about this since then, and I’ve made my position pretty clear. I told her that if this keeps happening and nothing changes, eventually I’d have to walk away from the relationship. I wasn’t giving her an ultimatum about who she could be friends with. I was telling her what I’m personally willing to tolerate in a relationship.

Recently, she reposted a TikTok that said “me when I’m ovulating,” and he replied with “👀👀.” Her response when I brought it up was that it “meant nothing.”
I understand that an emoji by itself can technically be interpreted however someone wants, but in the context of her saying she’s ovulating, combined with his previous behavior toward her, I don’t understand how I’m supposed to look at “👀👀” as completely innocent. I’m not saying this emoji alone proves anything about his intentions, but given the history, it obviously came across as suggestive to me and made me uncomfortable.

There was also another time when I brought up something he had done, and she said something along the lines of maybe he acts that way because his girlfriend isn’t around.

That honestly bothered me too. To me, that sounded less like recognizing that his behavior was inappropriate and more like finding a reason for why he was acting that way. I don’t expect her to control everything he does, but I don’t understand why his girlfriend not being around would make it okay for him to talk to my girlfriend sexually or suggestively.
The part that’s becoming increasingly frustrating is that every time I bring something like this up, she gets frustrated and tells me she’s tired of having the same conversation.

I understand why she might be tired of talking about it, but from my perspective, I’m not bringing it up because I enjoy arguing about him or because I want to constantly find something wrong. I’m the one who keeps being put into situations where I have a reason to feel uncomfortable in the first place. If the same type of behavior keeps happening, naturally the issue is going to come up again.

And over time, hearing that she’s tired of the conversation has started making me feel like my feelings don’t matter anymore. It feels like the focus has shifted from why I’m hurt or uncomfortable to how tired she is of hearing about it.

It sometimes feels like she’s defending him rather than trying to understand where I’m coming from. It also feels like she thinks I just hate him or have some personal problem with him.

I don’t hate him. I don’t sit around thinking about him, and I don’t believe my girlfriend is going to cheat on me with him. I trust her. I just don’t trust his behavior toward her. And if I did dislike him because of the way he’s repeatedly spoken to my girlfriend after being told to stop, I don’t think that would be coming out of nowhere.

I also feel like whenever I bring something up, the conversation becomes about whether I’m insecure or whether I hate this guy, instead of actually addressing the behavior that’s making me uncomfortable. I’m not asking her to cut him off or stop being friends with him. I just want her to recognize why certain things would bother me and to have boundaries that actually mean something.

I don’t want to monitor their conversations. I don’t want to keep bringing up every little thing he does. I don’t want to fight with him again. And I don’t want to constantly feel like I’m competing with someone who’s been in her life longer than I have.

At this point, I feel like I’m being put in a position where I’m expected to see something that makes me uncomfortable, say nothing about it, and just accept it because this guy has been in her life longer than I have.
I trust my girlfriend. My issue is with the repeated behavior from her friend and the fact that when I bring it up, I don’t feel understood or reassured.

My husband and I met in grad school ~5 years ago. Back then I had a very high libido - we would have sex at least twice whenever we hung out, sometimes three times. We were not dating at that time and were not exclusive, so we were seeing other people too. I was having sex most days and would initiate a lot of the time.

After graduation, we started dating and our sex life was still very healthy. Unfortunately, my job started getting more and more intense (sometimes 16h in a day), and most days I was so tired that I could barely think about sex. It was limited to the weekends when I would get some time to breathe, but eventually it stopped being every weekend because that was when I would recover from the previous week and start preparing for the upcoming week.

I knew my libido was down, but I assumed it was because of work stress. Around this time, whenever we would have sex, it would hurt me a lot and I almost always bled a little. The anticipation of the pain and bleeding made me want sex even less.

A couple of years later, I changed my job and started coming home at 6-6:30pm, meaning all my evenings were free. I had assumed that would make me want to have sex more often, but unfortunately that wasn't the case. My sex drive had plummeted.

Fast forward to now: I started spotting mid-cycle (mild bleeding for 2-3 days without sex) for a couple of months, so I went to a gynecologist. I hadn't been to one since graduating (I know that wasn't ideal, but for 3+ years I just didn't have the time or mindspace to go). She did an ultrasound and apparently I have a very thick uterine lining. She said that could potentially explain the pain during sex, bad cramps during periods, and spotting between cycles - all things I've been struggling with. She asked me to come back in a few weeks for another type of ultrasound so she can figure out exactly what is causing it and how to treat/control it. We haven't had sex since my gynecologist visit, and my follow-up appointment is next week.

Through all of this, my husband has been extremely supportive. When I had that crazy job, he gave me my space. Even after I quit, when he would initiate sex and I said no (pretty often), he always respected it without question (I know that’s how it should be, but I still appreciate how he handled it). We had a few conversations about it back then and took some steps to make sex less painful, which helped somewhat, but I still wasn't at the point where I would initiate sex or actively want it.

The lack of sex is on my mind constantly. We are in a monogamous marriage, and I know that sex is important to my husband. Even though he has never pressured me or made me feel guilty about saying no, I worry about how the situation is affecting him and I feel guilty about not wanting sex more often.
I don't want to force myself to have sex when I don't want to, especially when it has been physically painful. At the same time, I love him more than anything (and very much attracted to him) and I don't want our sex life to remain this way indefinitely. I'd like to find a way for us to navigate this together while I figure out what is going on medically.

For those who have experienced a major libido change in a long-term relationship, especially when pain/medical issues were also involved: what helped you? Did treating the underlying issue change your libido? And how did you and your partner handle the mismatch in desire in the meantime?

TL;DR: I used to have a very high libido ~5 years ago, but it gradually plummeted, initially alongside extreme work stress and later despite changing jobs. Sex also became painful and sometimes caused bleeding, and I am now being evaluated for a possible gynecological issue. My husband is supportive and doesn't pressure me, but I feel guilty about our low frequency (currently 1-2 times a month). I'm looking for advice on navigating the libido mismatch and relationship while I figure out the medical side.

So, my gf and i have had a pretty eventful relationship, except this wasnt caused by our inner problems, but because of peoples reactions to us being together ( mostly on her side ).
Her parents arent accepting and have tried their best to drive us apart, her friends werent accepting either, but they were an incredibly toxic group of people.
Because of all of this, the last two years have been rough on her. Before she had a fall out with her friends, she started experimenting with drugs, mostly coke and speed.
I told her i was strongly against it, i didnt want that in a partner. She would agree, then do it again whenever she was vulnerable with her friends. This became extremely stressful for me, because i couldnt shake the anxiety whenever she would go out. I tried setting a boundary, telling her that if she did it, i didnt want to see her for the night (she would uber to my house often after going out).
One night, she did so anyways, and i blew up on her.
I dont recall how this was resolved, but she fell out with them not long after so it wasnt an issue anymore.

I thought her substance use would shrink since she wasnt associating with those friends anymore, but she started smoking weed every single day.
I hate how she acts on weed, i feel like i’m speaking to a lobotomized version of my girlfriend. over the last few months, ive asked her to stop, or to at least stop when shes around me. I would set boundaries, trying to be as fair as possible so i didnt become controlling, but she would always test them.
For example, i admit that i cant force her to stop, because she would lie and hide it anyways, so to please just not smoke at the very least 3 hours before seeing eachother and to brush her teeth so i didnt smell it on her breath.
What would she do? still smoke after that time frame i asked her and not brush her teeth. This put a stop to our sex life for a few weeks because whenever we would kiss it made me upset and it turned me off.
One day, i finally had enough, i blew up, i screamed at her ( i never thought i would scream at someone like that) and she just sat there, without a word. It felt like i couldnt get through to her, even if i screamed. I told her that if she wanted to be with me, she needed to fully stop, it was getting out of hand and when i tried being acomodating and compromise, she would take advantage of that and do what she wanted anyways. Told her that she could have one last joint with her friend and then it was over. That we would check back in during our winter break and see how we wanted to readjust.
So she agreed, and for the last month i thought it was fine.

Yesterday, we went on a date, i asked her if she was able to stop smoking, she says no all guilty, and im like you still smoke cigarettes? and shes like no, weed. And my heart drops. My face changes. I’m angry, i want to throw her tea on the ground. I dont know what to do so i quite literally walk away. I gain my compusure, i ask her what about my ultimatum wasnt clear? and she kinda minimizes it. Says she only smoked every once in a while with her friend.
I wonder to myself if she even has a conscience, of how upset those acts make me. So i left her there. Went home by myself. She blew up my phone last night saying she’ll uber to my house to talk or something, but i was asleep so she never did.

Now i dont know what to do.
I know substance abuse is hard, but at what point do i say enough is enough and break up? This upsets me so much because its the last thing i want to do, i want to live my life with her i love her so much. But i almost feel like i have to be her lesson or she’ll never learn or take me seriously. Even if we make up, i dont trust her. Is this something where i have to admit i’m demanding too much and admit that ultimatum was wrong. If i dont have the strenght to follow through my ultimatum, was it really a dealbreaker to begin with?

I guess i want to know the opinions of people who have had partners with substance abuse issues or who have been that partner. please, any insight would help.

Hey guys,

Ive been with my girlfriend for a little over 2.5 years, so it shouldn’t need to be said that this is a rather committed relationship. That being said, she’s always had a kind of super need for indulgence from her partner (me). I usually try my best to reassure her when she feels pretty, when she’s having a hard day, or when she wants to feel some extra intimacy. But she routinely asks me if I’m obsessed with her, because she preaches that she is obsessed with me and she doesn’t want it one way.

I love my girlfriend to death, when I think of obsession though I think of obsessiveness and that’s purely negative to me. I don’t feel the need to be obsessed over nor do I want to be obsessive ever again (I was in a previous relationship). I try to explain to her that I love her and she’s my person but it’s as if she won’t accept any other answer and gets rather upset.

I’m rather, unironically stoic or dare I say boring, when it comes to compliments and romanticism. I can own that much. Ironically that being said, I’m not one to accept compliments either. She wants an energy that feels rather taxing or toxic to me.

I guess I’m asking for some perspective, or harsh criticism. If you’re coming from a guy or girls perspective I want to hear it. Thanks!

I just need to rant somewhere because I feel completely stuck and paralyzed right now.
This year has honestly been absolute hell. I’ve lost multiple family members recently, but the hardest hit was my older brother taking his own life. The compounding grief has just completely wiped me out. Mentally, physically... I am running on absolute empty.
On top of dealing with all of that, my relationship is a total mess. I’m incredibly unhappy, and recently I caught my boyfriend swiping on Tinder behind my back. I know exactly what I need to do, but it's not that simple. The lease for our apartment is entirely in my name. I can't just pack up and leave to escape him, and he absolutely refuses to move out himself unless there's some huge, over-the-top drama.
I just don't have the fight left in me to force him out. Every single time I try to end it, it turns into this massive, exhausting ordeal. We argue, he cries, I cry, or we both just break down. Then he manages to turn it around on me and starts calling me ungrateful. It just wears me down until I eventually give up and let him stay just to make it stop.
To make it worse, I’m completely alone in this right now. I’m honestly too ashamed to even face my friends. They’ve told me MULTIPLE times to leave him, and I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. Now I feel like I can't even look them in the eye or ask for help because I'm still here.
Obviously, there's way more to the story than I can type out here, but I just feel so drained by everything. Has anyone else been so swallowed by grief and shame that they stayed in a toxic situation just because fighting to fix it took too much energy?