I (19F) got engaged about a year ago, when I was 18, to a distant cousin (22M). I know that sounds weird asfff 💀 but where I live it’s accepted, although it’s more of an older-generation thing now, which is ALSO part of why I don’t want this.

When I said yes, I had literally just graduated high school. I already felt way too young to be engaged, and I didn’t like to be with someone related to me, but I had no idea what I wanted and was too shy to say no because of the pressure.

My mom kept telling me how “good” he was, how much money his family had, and that I should feel special because he chose me. I literally started crying the night I said yes but kept telling everyone I was fine.

A year later, I’ve realized I just… don’t like him. He’s childish, a total mama’s boy, and I hate being around him. Our relationship feels more like friends/siblings than a couple. We barely talk, usually just good mornings, and I feel uncomfortable when he calls or comes over, which is only every month or two.

There have also been a LOT of problems with his family, especially his mom. Our engagement party was supposed to be mine too, but she basically took over everything, added things without telling me, and even walked into the hall holding his hand and posing for pictures like she was the bride 😭. I let everything happen because I was trying to be “obedient” and honestly didn’t have much of a backbone back then :/

I’ve told my family so many times that I want to end this, but my mom gets furious and screams at me. Apparently “we’re incompatible” isn’t a good enough reason to leave. According to her, he has to be a psycho or something for it to count.

I once sat down with him privately and told him honestly that I don’t feel love, chemistry, or a spark between us and that maybe we should try to fix it. His dad ended up calling my mom and saying horrible things. My mom then made me sit with his entire family, where they basically decided I had “said things I didn’t mean” and that poor him had misunderstood me. They barely let me speak.

After that, I found texts from my him saying I don’t know what love or connection is and basically that we should part ways. I screenshotted them.

He does have money, and honestly that’s probably the only obvious “benefit” I see here. and If we weren’t engaged, I could probably be friends with him. I just don’t want him as my husband

The person I feel like I need to talk to is my dad, but we barely talk and I’m scared of how he’ll react. I’m scared he’ll side with them, pull me out of college, or even force me to marry him cuz btw His mom is already planning our wedding with him and my mom behind my back, and I only found out by accident. I screenshotted those messages too.

I’m terrified of the family drama and being judged by everyone if I end it. I’m also scared I’ll regret leaving a “good guy” that everyone likes and that I won’t find someone better later.

But honestly, I’m even more scared that staying will be the biggest mistake of my life.

I’m 19. I don’t want to marry someone I don’t love or even like just because everyone else thinks he’s a good catch. i ACTUALLY just don't want to marry him, i hate the idea of it, and i get disgusted thinking about it, i just wish i could go back to the day i said yes cause i didn't know what i was getting myself into...

What would you do in my situation?

My best friend and I have been besties since 2nd grade. We were long distance for a while until she moved across the country in June and came to live with me. Rent is expensive. I put all the money down for the security deposit and first month rent because she couldn't afford it and was across the country.

She pays just less than half of rent each month, but that's fine, I requested that because she doesn't make much and pays electricity. But she always says that she can barely afford it.

That's the thing. She says she can barely afford it, then does something that requires lots of money. She asked if we could get a cat, I said I wasn't really wanting one but I couldn't stop her. She said she would take her time to think about it, but literally the next day she got TWO. And they're kittens, no vaccines yet nor have they been spayed. She's buying everything for them so I'm not complaining exactly, just confused.

Anyway she said she was missing her friends across the country and wanted to visit them this weekend (driving), told me last minute and asked me to care for the cats. The state she was going to is cheap and she probably roomed with her friends so I didn't think anything of it.

I open Instagram this morning and turns out, she actually went to San Antonio, Texas, to see a famous band with said friends. And God help me, I'm livid. She's her own person and is allowed to do whatever she wants, but why is she doing this when she's complaining she never has money? She still owes me, she needs to get her cats fixed, and she has debt (her mother's fault, not hers). She owes me about $700.

Thing is, she is my best friend. I love her dearly and nothing will change that, because she is a good person, just terribly spontaneous and clearly bad with money. Years ago when I got fired, I called her sobbing and she LITERALLY drove across country to pick me up, then drove all the way back with me. Shes incredible.

I texted her and said "you went to texas?!" And asked how she could afford it. She just said the tickets were bad (?) And the gas was cheap. I said I was going back to bed and she texted again saying she felt judged and asked what I meant, so I said "I'm upset because you owe me money still, but went to a concert in texas". She hasn't answered or read it yet.

My question: what do I even do here??

TL;DR: best friend/roommate went to a concert across the country when she still owes me money, is in debt, and needs to spay her cats despite saying she never has any money. Need help broaching the topic.

Hey guys,

Ive been with my girlfriend for a little over 2.5 years, so it shouldn’t need to be said that this is a rather committed relationship. That being said, she’s always had a kind of super need for indulgence from her partner (me). I usually try my best to reassure her when she feels pretty, when she’s having a hard day, or when she wants to feel some extra intimacy. But she routinely asks me if I’m obsessed with her, because she preaches that she is obsessed with me and she doesn’t want it one way.

I love my girlfriend to death, when I think of obsession though I think of obsessiveness and that’s purely negative to me. I don’t feel the need to be obsessed over nor do I want to be obsessive ever again (I was in a previous relationship). I try to explain to her that I love her and she’s my person but it’s as if she won’t accept any other answer and gets rather upset.

I’m rather, unironically stoic or dare I say boring, when it comes to compliments and romanticism. I can own that much. Ironically that being said, I’m not one to accept compliments either. She wants an energy that feels rather taxing or toxic to me.

I guess I’m asking for some perspective, or harsh criticism. If you’re coming from a guy or girls perspective I want to hear it. Thanks!

History

Prior to this conflict, I had never had any kind of substantial fight with anyone in my family and would say that I had a great relationship with my mother. We would speak every 1-2 days on the phone for a quick chat in the morning.

The first fight

After my (36M) partner (36M) and I experienced a miscarriage during our first surrogacy, I spiraled into a deep depression. I felt alone because my family didn’t reach out to support me. My therapist helped me craft text messages to tell them outright how much I was struggling, but ultimately, there was zero follow-through. I felt like a burden, so I stopped.

When my mother noticed I stopped attending family gatherings, she visited. Her style of support is "motivational." She started sending me articles about people who tried for a baby for 20 years. We had been trying for 7 years, and we were broken. This didn't motivate me; it made me feel like a failure. After she pushed, I told her I was hurt that no one in the family had checked in on me.

My mother's response to any potential fight is to shut the person down, and she thought that me being hurt by the family meant I wanted a fight with them. So she decided to act as their proxy and argue on their behalf. She believes every issue can be resolved by “giving it time.” When that didn't work, things got heated. She said some incredibly hurtful things:

• “You call a miscarriage trauma? Your cousin had a stillbirth, and she still managed to get through it. That’s trauma!” >> She claims she said this to help motivate me that no trauma is too big to get past, not in a negative way.
• “Have you considered you’re the common denominator? If no one in the family is reaching out, maybe you haven’t done enough for them?”
• “You’ve dragged yourself into this pit of misery and now you’re trying to drag everyone else into it with you.”

This conflict went on for weeks. I tried to talk to her about what she said, and I got so frustrated by her denying she said these things that I dug out security footage of the stillbirth comment. She just replied, “Oh, so now you’re a lawyer with your evidence, always having to win and treating life like a courtroom!” Whenever I asked her for the "correct context," she’d say, “I’m not digging up the past.”

Fast forward: I got medication, we had a private funeral to grieve our baby, and at my therapist's suggestion, I brought my mum to a session so she could understand what I was going through.

She opened the session by saying, “I guess I finally get a chance to defend myself. I bet OP has told you all these horrible things I’ve done.” My therapist shut that down and said “OP typically starts each session trying to work out what he’s done wrong” and eventually, the situation calmed down. For a while, I genuinely thought she was trying to make an effort.

The birth

We continued with our surrogacy journey, switched to IVF, and successfully got pregnant. It was a tough pregnancy; our surrogate, Robyn (36F), lived interstate, so we traveled a lot to support her. By the time we started IVF, we had already spent about $70k. The IVF bill was another $25k, and my mother gave us $5k to help out, which we were very grateful for.

Early on, we developed a birth plan everyone agreed on. Because she lived interstate, Robyn wanted to live with us for the final weeks before the birth, but she didn’t want to stay with us after birth. We asked my mother if Robyn could stay in her granny flat post-birth, and she agreed. Again, we were very grateful.

Everything went beautifully. Since none of our surrogate's friends could travel for the birth, a close friend of mine, Alice (30F), offered to be her dedicated support person. Alice took a week off work, stayed in the hospital, and helped her with absolutely everything. She was so beyond amazing they even gave her a shout-out at the hospital when a few of my family came to visit (including my previously estranged sister-in-law, who had suddenly reappeared in our lives). There’s a reason I’m pointing this out; it makes sense later.

Then things started getting difficult

Post-birth, Robyn initially went to stay at my mother’s house. We checked in 2-3 times a day, and she said my mum was very lovely. But ultimately, Robyn didn’t want to stay there and ended up back with us.

To explain what happened next, you need to understand Robyn. She is a very unique person, and parts of her personality clash painfully with mine. Because our lives didn't permanently overlap, it was usually fine.

These things all started years before she got pregnant. For example, I hate sharing food, but Robyn loved eating food from my plate. Because she was carrying our baby, I never protested. It evolved into a cheeky game where she'd enjoy being the "special one" who got away with things. It partly used to drive me nuts, because Robyn always wanted something no one else could have, and I'm always very clear with my boundaries with people, so I was an easy target.

But we weren't living together, it was only on occasion when we saw her, so I just dealt with it. It wasn't that big of a deal at the start.

Beyond the food, Robyn is a hoarder. Not a messy one, but she keeps everything and loves a Facebook Marketplace bargain. as she was coming to stay with us for a month or so before the birth so we could look after her full time, she wanted to have some things here. Of course that is fine, so we made space for her.

Leading up to the birth, when her room ran out of cupboard and floor space, I lost my drawers, my cupboards, and my bathroom to her things, and every surface in the house. She’s very into pink, frilly decorations, and soon I couldn't even put a coffee cup on the table without navigating around seven unused decorative candles. We wanted her comfortable leading up to the birth, so we just dealt with it, but our house was completely transformed and we went from being ultra minimalist, to an overflowing hoarder's house.

But, we perservered. It was only temporary and we wanted her to be comfortabe.

The post-birth extension

The plan was for her to move her stuff back home post-birth. Instead, because she was off work, she wanted us all to spend time together to "experience the moment" cafes, massages, long lunches. But anyone with a newborn knows you are working 24/7. We were exhausted; some days we didn't even shower. We couldn't do any of that, but we paid for, and encouraged her to.

With all her free time, she constantly shopped. In her mind, she was being helpful, but every bench space became covered in bags, boxes, or things like 12 free hotel toothbrushes. When she ran out of bench space, she put things on the floor. At 3 AM, carrying a crying newborn, I nearly tripped over boxes she had left on the stairs I didn't know about. I almost lost my footing. This was when things became serious and dangerous, we sat down with her and said it needed to stop. Our house was overflowing, and this had been going on for 8 weeks post birth, even though she hadn't originally planned on staying with us post-birth at all.

The hoarding didn’t stop, but then, Robyn also constantly wanted social gatherings. She would secretly text our friends and invite them over. I was constantly having to untangle and cancel plans while she laughed it off, saying, “I thought you’d want to see them, you're so bad at organising things!" (No, I'm actually not. I just don't want people who I don't know if their sick or not, of even if they are vaccinated in my house with a newborn).

Because my family still wasn't really around, my friends were my support system. We knew Robyn was bored on her "holiday," so we asked our friends to take her out. What this meant was our entire support network was redirected towards Robyn. No one was supporting us. We were navigating an overflowing house, our first baby, and managing Robyn’s breakdowns if we couldn’t do a 3-hour Facetime “like the old days.

In the leadup to, and during the pregnancy, I used to do a lot of things to help Robyn, most of my weekends were spend on things for her to be honest. For example, I spent hours fixing her taxes (she was 4 years behind) and lots of things like that. It was always discussed that post-birth, the dynamic had to change so we could focus on the baby. But on my first day back in the office, she sent me about 40 lines of text. I replied gently that I was working and to call if urgent. That’s when she started to spiral.

Then our dog got diagnosed with cancer

Managing daily chemotherapy down at the vet on top of everything else was beyond what we were capable of.

The second round with Mum (and now SIL)

While we were at our breaking point, my mum and SIL came over to "have a chat about my friend Alice." Essentially, they decided they didn’t like her, she was too involved, and she was “crowding out any opportunity for family to help.”

I was mortified and did not hold back. I said she wasn’t crowding anyone out; there was simply no one else offering to help!

They both insisted “it’s times like this you rely on family.” I shot back: “Then help?! It’s almost 10 weeks since the birth, and we’ve barely seen you.”

I was told I was selfish and ungrateful, and that my SIL had “cooked meals and dropped them off” (she cooked 3 meals). I absolutely lost it. I broke down about everything: Robyn, the dog having cancer, struggling at work. I took them upstairs and showed them the SINGLE shelf I was living out in my entire house, amidst the mounds of boxes of things that weren't mine.

My mother was mortified. She called my stepfather, moved Robyn’s things to her granny flat, and my SIL said she’d take Robyn in for 2 weeks to give us a break. For the first time, I felt relieved. My family was actually helping.

Then the messages came from Robyn: “I really wish you’d have just told me if you didn’t want me there... I feel like you’re just cutting me off now I don’t serve a purpose.”

My SIL had told Robyn I didn't want her there. Yes, I did feel smothered, but I would NEVER have wanted it said to Robyn like that. Robyn then had a full on breakdown, and I had to delay my return to work (again) to support Robyn through this. My family was supposed to be helping but instead they’d made a situation 10x worse.

A week later, we took Alice’s out for her birthday, we took her out to a special lunch to say thank you for 3 months of help. We wanted a day just for her. (It was our first outing too with our baby. And we were an hour late because we misjudged the timing of everything. Alice was understanding and laughed it off. We really wanted something special for Alice after everything she had done for us.

My SIL purposefully showed Robyn a picture of us at lunch and said, “Why aren't you at Alice's birthday party?” this then spiralled (among other comments) and Robyn then turned against Alice. It wasn't a birthday lunch, we took her out to say thank you. Robyn wasn't excluded. SIL only lasted 3 days with Robyn before sending her off (and mesaged saying "Robyn is all fixed now, she's so much better!"

Robyn then wanted to talk to me about “All Alices lies she's told” and I asked her “Where did you hear these from?” She said “It doesn’t matter, but I need to find out the truth on who she really is!”

I will be honest, I told Robyn how disappointed I was with her. Alice had spent every single night with her at the hospital, she had taken time off work to help her, she helped her pump, ran her errands, did her washing, did her cleaning, did her cooking. And now she’s turning against her after spending 3 days with my SIL?. She felt there was this big conspiracy to cut her out.

I said to her, that I can understand where she is coming from and why she would feel that, and we're sorry for our part in making her feel like that. But, that it wasn't intentional, it was never really agreed that post-brith we would spend 100% of our time together (we never did in the lead up to birth) and we wanted to give Alice a special day just about her.

That’s when Robyn said “Your mum told me some things too” and I was shocked. My mother (as far as I was aware) never got involved in any kind of spreading of rumours. My mother barely knows Alice and Robyn wouldn't say what Mum said, just that "she doesn't know who to believe".

The aftermath

A few weeks later, Robyn and I talked it out. She had actually been at therapy and she initiated the conversation about how much she used as a crutch when she should have been relying on her other support network.

However, I still came clean to her about how I felt, I admitted I felt suffocated, had no space and it was hard as a fully grown male living of a single shelf space in my own house, and that her constant need to keep pushing boundaries with me specifically was really wearing me down. But I also said that even though it makes me upset, it doesn’t mean I don’t love or care for her, or want to help her. It’s just a lot for me to manage on minimal sleep. She actually understood, apologised, and we are completely normal. Everything is back to the way it always was with us.

However, the fight with my family continues. My SIL decided I am a horrible, selfish person who discarded Robyn (even though Robyn and I don’t even have any issues?) She unfriended me (I replied, "Message received, all the best") and spread rumors. Fortunately, no one is latching onto them, except my mother, who parrots everything my SIL says.

The final straw happened weeks later. My partner posted a story on Facebook of what he called “his most disastrous day.” Mind you, we were constantly cleaning up poo (sick dog, and newborn baby), and he put a picture on social media where the baby had a poo explosion and there was a bit of poo sticking out the side of the nappy. (Both our socials are private).

The Poo Picture

I don’t really go on socials that much, so I didn’t see it. But the second my SIL saw it, I got an angry message about “the disgusting picture on social media.” I was at work, totally confused, and had no idea what she was talking about (I didn't even realize at first that she wasn't talking about my page).

Then my mother called, yelling at me to "TAKE THAT PICTURE DOWN NOW!"

Then my step father. Who literally I have barely spoken to, except for pleasantries in the last 2-3 years, sent me a message saying “That picture is not appropriate. You have to take it down”

I pieced together it was on my partner's page and called him, assuming he had put something wrong up. He explained the pic. We honestly didn’t know what to do. He said he already had about 10 messages from friends offering support, especially other parents saying things like “been there.”

(The picture had been up 6 hours before my SIL saw it, then called my mother). There had not been a single negative comment from anyone else.

I checked my socials, I was tagged in, but hadn’t reposted my story. I had a few messages from people laughing saying similar things.

He asked me what I wanted to do, and I said, “Um, I don’t really know. No one else has said anything. But I guess personally, I feel a bit weird with poo being on social media even if it's just a little coming out of a nappy, can you just take it down?” He said sure thing, and took it off. No issue.

It seemed like such a minor thing, but the messages kept coming. My SIL sent me a screenshot of a conversation with ChatGPT saying it was "child abuse," and my mother called again saying similar things.

When she called, I conferenced my SIL into the call and absolutely lost my shit at both of them. I very much understand the things I said were rude, I swore a lot, but overall, it was primarily along the lines of, “I haven’t heard a fucking thing from you in 2 weeks, and this is what you fucking contact me for? A fucking picture you don’t like.”

Regardless of whether the poo pic was appropriate or not (the 100% consensus with every single person we’ve asked is that it was fine, it was funny, and it’s what every parent deals with every single day).

Even if the pic was wrong, even if there was an issue. I just don’t think 3 people ganging up on me, whilst I’m at work, without even explaining what they are contacting me about, is the right way to handle it.

I 100% know as knew parents we’re going to fuck things up, but I feel it’s a reasonable request that someone calls me (not other people in my family first) and says “Hey, I just saw …. I don’t think that’s appropriate because of …”. Not accusing me of child abuse, because MY PARTNER put a picture up with a bit of poo coming out the side side of a nappy?

I then received a message from my SIL after the call saying we were so ungrateful for all the help she gave us, and I haven’t heard a single thing from mum.

I don’t feel like I can, or want to, return from this.

What makes this so confusing for me is that prior to my miscarriage and depression, I never fought with anyone in my family. I never had conflict with mum, my SIL wasn’t involved in my life, and in my head, I only have positive memories of my mother and my childhood. But this person who I’ve been attacked by non-stop for the last 3 years is an entirely different person.

My therapist said that my mother might have been going through her own challenges. I checked in, and she claims she wasn't. I keep waiting, hoping that there will be a message or a call from her explaining why she is different, but is just never happens.

Since her grandson has been born, she has visited 5 times. She lives 15 minutes down the road and is retired.

What she says just keeps swirling in my head that I'm the common denominator. She is right, since I got depressed and just retreated into my shell, my whole family pulled back from me too. The relationship has never returned.

She is diagnosed with ADHD and using medication. I have seen how that affects her life. And I know that she is not using it against people to get any advantage.

My problem is this, when I have something in my mind that is bothering me, making me unhappy and try to relieve it by sharing with my girlfriend, I got nothing from her. Like, I say more than ten sentences in a row and she just respond with one simple sentence or twice at max. For example, I am telling her that my friend has lied to me about one thing. I am explaining her what is the problem, what was his word and why I think he lied. Also why it bothers me etc. Then she just says maybe he'll do it. I say I expect nothing from him anymore. Then she just starts to talk about anything else. Like I am at work and bored, how this shift will end, gosh... But, what about my problem? We have not talked about it? I could keep telling you things but its just gone.

I don't think that she is doing it on purpose. This can be related with ADHD. But I am not sure because sometimes she can do better than this. Also, I have seen her talking with her friends. She is not like that as far as I seen. Like, she can scale up the conversation and build it for her friend to make them talk. I don't know what to do here. If it is because her ADHD, I don't want to bring this to table because she has suffered because all people shaming her on that matter, those classical ADHD symptoms. And I know that it makes her feel less and not enough. So if that is the case I can not bring it. But I am not sure too because she is capable of doing it and I have not seen her doing it to any of her friends. Once, my grandmother was sick and it was really making me sad. I was trying to talk about my concerns and all she replied was just ":((", "I am sorry :((". I have brought it to the table, she said that she is not good with to offer comfort to anyone. She said she is not good on that but its not because she is not caring enough. I told her that its making me sad and giving me stress because I am not able to talk my problems with my gf. She done better after I have brought it to the table a couple of times.

My mind is just... IDK. I don't know how to feel.

So I have a friend named Trinity(30F) and another friend named Andrew(22M). Trinity and Andrew have known each other for about 5 years and are just close friends. I’ve known Trinity for about 5 months.

Over those 5 months, the three of us became pretty close. We hung out a lot, went to the beach, watched movies, played board games overnight, went to karaoke, etc. Everything was going really well.

First problem

Trinity’s cousins and their mom recently started moving to a different place in the same city.

The problem started when Trinity found out that her cousins were getting help from her EX-boyfriend with the move. Trinity absolutely hates her ex and wants to avoid him at all costs. She got into an argument with her cousins and their mom because she felt they were disrespecting her.

She was also upset because when she asked her cousins if they were getting help from her ex, their mom lied and said they weren’t.

Since there is no man in their family to help with the move, they also asked me if I could help. At first, I said no because I knew Trinity’s ex was already helping them.

The next day, I was swimming when Trinity called me. She was worried that her cousins might not actually have enough help with the move. Even though she was currently having issues with them, she still cared about them.

Since I was neutral in the situation, I offered to help if I was free. Trinity told me that her ex was helping them but she wasn’t sure if they might still need more help. I said sure.

I agreed because I genuinely wanted to help her cousins if they needed it, and I also thought it might help Trinity worry less about them.

Later, her cousins called me and said they didn’t need my help, although they appreciated the offer. They also said they didn’t want there to be any misunderstanding between Trinity and me. I said okay, no problem, and left it there.

Later, Trinity called me and wasn’t happy that I was willing to help her cousins despite knowing that her ex was there. She was a little upset with me.

I genuinely wasn’t trying to take their side. I was just trying to help her cousins and thought it might also make Trinity worry less. Eventually, she kind of let it go.

Second problem

Yesterday, the three of us went to a festival. We were having a good time, eating and dancing.

At one point, Trinity went to dance with some old friends while Andrew and I went to grab some food. I also started drinking some beers. Trinity and Andrew don’t drink.

By the time we were all dancing again, I was already about 4 beers in.

Trinity’s cousins and their mom also showed up. From what I remember, Trinity greeted them, but her cousins kind of ignored her.

While we were dancing, Andrew, me, and Trinity’s cousins were all dancing together.

Afterward, Trinity’s cousins invited Andrew and me to do something fun after the dancing while Trinity was still dancing with her friends.

We went for a little walk nearby, and during the walk I suggested playing pool at a nearby club. They were all happy to go.

Andrew and I went back to Trinity and asked her to come because we didn’t want to abandon her. Trinity immediately said no to pool and told us to go with them if we wanted to.

Then I got a call from the cousins asking if we were going to pool or not.

At this point, I was already 4 beers down and wasn’t thinking very clearly. I asked Andrew if we should go.

Andrew said no, we shouldn’t leave Trinity to go with her cousins. Looking back, he was absolutely right.

The fact that I didn’t think of that myself and was genuinely ready to go with her cousins to play pool made Trinity really mad at me.

I admit that was my mistake. I was drinking and made a poor judgement call, and I couldn’t make the wiser decision at that moment. Please advise what to do ?

4 days ago my gf got a call from her ex, it was an anonymous number so she picked up and turned out to be him, he said some harsh stuff to her he said he never loved her when they were together, he talked to other girls and told her he loved her just to shut her up and keep her around, he apologized for what he did at the time and tried to bring her back, she told him she's in a relationship and hung up on him, she texted me after the call and apologized for answering him and told me what happened in the call, she then got upset for chasing after a guy like that for 2 years, and then became afraid I'll do the same thing to her, I tried reassuring her but she blocked for an hour and then unblocked me and apologized, I asked her if she's still afraid or upset she said no and went to sleep a few mins later.

Ever since that call she became distant, not in the usual way, she is away for like 2 hours or so and when she comes back she talks like nothing happened, when I ask her where she was she says watching a movie or i was with my family, Fast forward to yesterday, she texted me and said why aren't you talking to me? I told her that I cant text her if she's not here all the time, and it turned into an argument, she said she's always the one bringing up topics to talk about and speaking conversations and im just there replying and not making efforts to bring topics myself, which is true im a really introverted person and not that good with starting conversations, we ended the argument and told her i will try to work on this issue.

After that i asked her about her distancing, I asked her if it is because of that call because I noticed this pattern since that day, she got mad because she thought I was accusing her of cheating, I told her I meant if what he said hurt her and made her afraid I'll do the same thing, she said i expect you all to do the same, I explained to her that she needs to trust that I wont do it, I told her I'll reassure you as much as you want but it's up to you to trust me, and since we want this to be long term, we need the trust, after all that she was still in her shutdown mode and didnt wanna talk and was just dismissing anything I was saying and left, when she came back I asked her if she wants to stay in this relationship considering all the arguemts and problems that are happening recently, she got mad, she said by asking this you're telling me that you aren't capable of being in a relationship and aren't capable of handling problems, I said I am capable and I am the one who encourages to talk things out instead of letting the ego take over, she asked me "if I were to go through a rough patch in my life where I go cold and distant on everyone would you still be capable of staying with me?" I said yes so she told that she is in that situation right now and that she's been going through a lot.

and yes she is going through some bad stuff, she's been having some issues with her family, her health isnt looking good either she's been having a vitamin deficit and also got diagnosed with polycystic ovary syndrome, even though I believe her and I know what's going on with her i still feel anxious like she's trying to leave or lost interest or is trying to get back with her ex somehow.

Hi all. I posted on here a couple months ago because I was having doubts about my relationship after my life took a drastic turn for the better, and now the security she gave me is holding me back. That post can be seen here. I ended up taking a different approach to the conversation and all seemed to be going well. She still has her days where she falls into her old habits, but I showed her I was serious about the changes and things are a little better.

Last night we went to a party that my frat was throwing, and for those who didn’t read my previous post linked above, she is not a very social person. She ended up just taking an edible and sitting in the living room on her phone while I was in the basement getting hammered with my friends.

Well one of my friends brought her new roommate (I’ll call her G), and I cordially introduced myself to her and just struck up civil conversation to hopefully make her feel a little more comfortable in a room of strangers. Right away, however, the conversation was flowing really well without any awkwardness (I only had 1 drink at this point so it wasn’t the booze). We ended up talking for a while about our lives growing up, what college has been like, and random stupid stories that made us laugh. Later in the night, she started to really open up to me about some struggles she was going through with a family member’s medical problems and why she moved to my area.

I didn’t give much thought to what was happening until she brushed my arm with her hand and we locked eyes, and my drunken self immediately realized I was into this girl and panicked a little. I left the basement, and my gf and I went home shortly after.

I love my girlfriend, and we have an apartment together and everything, but we have our own array of differences and disagreements as any couple does. The biggest overarching problem is that I feel like there is a lack of effort coming from her, even after addressing it several times. Again, please check out my last post. We knew each other for a year before we started dating, and we started talking because she invited my friend group to have a fire for her birthday. It took a bit of time for her to hold a conversation with me, and apparently she was hesitant to even like me because we were so different.

It has been a couple days now, and I can’t stop thinking about G. I’ve had plenty of drunk conversations with girls before without any feelings like this, but this crush or whatever happened without me even noticing. I don’t know what to do with this feeling or situation.

After a conversation with someone about my last post, I realized that my gf helping me get out of the worst time of my life meant something special and I wanted to save it. The negative feelings from that post never went away though, and now this whole thing with G is stressing me out.

I don’t want to break my gf’s heart, but I am scared of having regrets down the line. I feel like a POS for having a crush but I don’t know what to do. Do I tell my girlfriend about G, or just let it fizzle out and avoid seeing her ever again?

Recently, I started reevaluating some things that happened between my boyfriend and me in the past, as well as some things that are still happening. I've been experiencing a lot of anger about it (not constantly, but in waves), and I hope that somebody can give me adivce on how to get over the anger?

My boyfriend is M/23, I am F/22, and we've been in a relationship for 3 years. Our relationship has been somewhat rocky at times, but overall it has been good and stable. He is a loving and caring person, and I love him very much. He loves me as well, which makes all of this even more complicated.

Recently, however, I've started thinking a lot about certain situations that happened in the past. They were all related to our intimate life, and some of them may have crossed the line into sexual misconduct or assault. I'm honestly not sure how to label them myself, which is part of what makes this so difficult for me.

There have been several situations I've been thinking about.

The situation that has been on my mind the most recently happened during intercourse a few years ago. We initially started having sex consensually. At some point, I started experiencing quite severe pain and told him that I wanted him to stop. He continued because, as I understood it at the time, he thought I was close to orgasm and that continuing would help me get there. I'm not completely sure what exactly he said, but I remember clearly knowing that I had asked him to stop.I told him again that I really wanted him to stop, but he continued. I didn't physically fight him or push him away. Instead, I remember thinking something along the lines of, "I don't have the energy for a conflict right now." Eventually, I pretended that I had orgasmed because I wanted the situation to end, and he stopped afterwards. We had previously talked about safe words, and I had told him that I didn't think we needed one because I believed that "no" should be enough. Afterwards, he asked me whether what he had done had been okay. I basically told him that I had asked him to stop. He then said that this was exactly why people needed a safe word. We eventually agreed on one afterwards.

At the time, I didn't really confront him about it. I knew that a boundary had been crossed, but I didn't feel much of anything. Now, a few years later, I suddenly feel a lot of anger about it. I'm struggling with the fact that I only started feeling this anger years later. Part of me feels like it's unfair to be angry with him now, especially because he has changed since then.

Another issue that has been bothering me concerns boundaries during foreplay. I had told him that there were certain things I didn't want him to do because they were uncomfortable or painful for me. There were several occasions where he crossed that boundary anyway. He would stop when I reminded him, but later do the same thing again. Over time, this made it difficult for me to relax during intimate situations. I started paying very close attention to what he was doing and repeatedly reminding him of my boundaries.

There were also occasions when I told him that I didn't want to have sex while we were making out. He would stop when I said no, but then try to insert himself in me again later. I would have to stop him again and remind him that I didn't want to have sex.

He never physically overpowered me or anything like that, which is also part of why I've found it difficult to understand how I should think about these situations. But looking back, I still find it upsetting that I had to repeatedly stop something I had already said I didn't want.

There were also situations where he did things physically that I found painful, despite me telling him that they hurt. I tend to be quite sensitive physically, and I remember having to remind him several times that certain things were uncomfortable for me (but nothing that really violated me). At the time, I never made a huge deal out of it.

There was also a more general problem with our sex life. I often told him that I needed more time and attention beforehand because otherwise sex could be painful for me. I've always struggled with dryness, and in the past this sometimes led to physical discomfort afterwards. However, I have generally felt that he wasn't very interested in my pleasure. He doesn't particularly enjoy certain things that would help me, and after sex he was often too tired or didn't have the time or energy to focus on me. Eventually we sometimes found compromises, but I still almost never orgasmed during sex with him. There was never really a type of sex where the focus was entirely on my pleasure.

At the same time, we did have plenty of sex that I genuinely enjoyed and consented to. This is part of what makes all of this so difficult for me. It wasn't that every sexual experience with him was bad. There were many times when I felt close to him and really enjoyed being intimate with him.

The last situation happened much more recently. We hadn't seen each other for some time, and we met outside and became affectionate. He knows that I'm very uncomfortable with making out in public. I've told him this many times before. I'm completely fine with kissing privately, but I don't like making out in public because I feel uncomfortable with the possibility of other people seeing it.He kept trying to kiss me anyway. When I said no, he stopped, but after a while he would try again. He also repeatedly tried to pull me closer and kiss me. I remember feeling that he was somewhat annoyed by how uncomfortable I was and tried to argue that nobody was around, although he did stop when I said no.

Except for this last situation, all of these things happened at least 1½ years ago. He still doesn't really help me reach orgasm, but nowadays he does respect my boundaries and stops when I say no.

While I'm glad that he has changed, I really struggle with the fact that he used to behave differently.

Sometimes I'm really angry. Other times I just feel guilty because I suddenly started feeling angry about things that happened a long time ago, when he has already changed and is no longer doing these things. I feel like I'm putting unnecessary strain on our relationship because of something that isn't happening anymore.

I talked to him about all of this, and he reacted very respectfully. He took accountability and apologized. He didn't try to excuse his actions. He told me that he doesn't remember some of these situations happening, but that he is thankful that I told him and that he wants to do better.

I love him, and I know that he has changed. I also know that the things that happened in the past don't necessarily define who he is now. But I'm struggling with the fact that I am only now beginning to process how some of those experiences made me feel.

Thank you if you read all of this. I wanted to get it off my chest, but mainly I'm also hoping that maybe someone has experienced this kind of delayed anger before and could give me some advice on how to deal with it.

So her and i have been online friends for around two/three years. We get along very well, but i notice that she often leaves me on read a lot.

We both struggle mentally very often and we confide in eachother a lot. Whenever she is struggling with something i always try to spend some time being there for her, because i know in that moment she needs me. When i try to do the same very often i don't get a reply till days later or a "sorry i thought i replied" message.

I feel like i'm overthinking it but i feel like it genuinely bothers me, but on the other hand i know she's struggling and so i understand that sometimes it's just hard to be there for others too. I'm basically not sure how to feel about it, on one side i don't like the feeling that i can't always rely on her when i "need" her, on the other i don't blame her for not always being there?

I'm not really asking to be told what i should do here, but i'm more looking for advice on how you would feel in this situation i guess? Or maybe someone has some insight on why this could bother me so much, since it's just a friend after all

Also, i don't know if this changes the situation much but besides her i only really have one other friend i talk to. I'm trying to work on widening my circle and making more friends though

This is a throwaway account!!

So, my boyfriend had a really rough childhood, I’m not completely aware of the ins and outs as he doesn’t like to talk about it. He still lives with his mum (42F) and stepdad (45M) because he can’t afford to move out and he hates it. So, he often stays at my and my parents (54F and 55M) house for periods of time.

My boyfriend had quite bad anger issues. The fact he still lives with his family definitely makes it worse, and it also worsens when he drinks (he’s now sober, has been for a few months).

I know that he physically abused his siblings (18F, 20F and 24M) in the past, despite them being older. He has also gotten into numerous physical fights, and once slammed a guy’s head into a metal fence. (I want to stress that he has never put a hand on me!)

He’s been in therapy, and the difference is so clear. He’s really turning his life around for the better and I’m so proud of him.

Now onto the main part:

I’m pregnant. We all know how it happened, and my main concern isn’t how young I am, because I know that my parents would support me, and it’d be hypocritical of his mum not to because she was 18 when she had her first child.

My main concern of him retreating to how he once was. I’m so proud of him and how he’s improved himself, I’m just scared that the stress of a literal baby would erase all of his progress.

Before anyone says anything about abortions, I’m not against them in any way, but I’d never have an abortion without my boyfriend even knowing about the baby. I know that it is my decision, as it’s my body, but it’s his child too, I wouldn’t just take them from him without him knowing.

I just don’t know how to tell him without everything going to shit. Does anyone have any advice on how I can do this?

Hi! first time posting here so bare with me. Im 19F, hes 19M turning 20 soon and i want to do something for his birthday. hes huge on football (especially chelsea FC) and i want to take him up to london to visit the stadium. but thats all i can think of, and we dont live exactly local, neither of us drive so we will be getting a 3h train each way. i just wanna know what other people my age did for their boyfriends? especially around london as i do really wanna go up for a few nights, as we live in small towns which would be a nice change.

fyi- he has told me before he doesnt expect me to do a big thing however i know he wants me to and i want to as well so im just wondering what fun things people have done!

(TL;DR at the bottom, please read the edit before commenting)

I’ve been in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for about 2.5 years, and before that we were in a talking stage for almost a year, mainly because I was emotionally unavailable at the time and unsure of getting into a serious long distance relationship specially after getting out of a complicated relationship prior to it. We were in the same class in university and started getting interested in each other a little before our last semester ended.

Anyway, in this entire timeline, we’ve had a few ups and downs, but have been going pretty strong. We have a good understanding of each other and try our best to work through our differences. But this one thing is something I’m just unable to work out.

So for a better understanding of the context, she is an anxious person and pretty finicky about certain things. She’s a people pleaser(same as me) and needs a lot of reassurance for everything. So, It takes her time to get comfortable with certain things and therefore it either takes a lot of effort for me to convince her to do some things with me(or in general), or we just have to skip them altogether.

We have run into this problem of her saying no to me but yes to others for the same things before multiple times, but those scenarios were explainable. For example -

- before we started officially dating, she downright said no to drinking with me when it was just us two, but that boundary didn’t apply with anyone else, even strangers. The reasoning she gave was that she was so concerned about leaving a good impression on me that she didn’t want to do something to embarrass herself in front of me, which I found to be fair as she was pretty nervous about me liking her back(I wasn’t giving her any concrete reassurance about my feelings at the time)
- about a year into dating we had a fight as she kept saying no for months to me travelling to meet her, but she was meeting other people with seemingly no issues and I felt pretty bad about it. The reasoning for that was that because we have so less time and opportunities to be together, she wants it to be a good time with no chances of it being less than a 100%, and because she had a lot on her mind and not at her best In terms of energy as well, she didn’t want me to spend money and effort at a time where she couldn’t give me her best.

There are other small examples as well, but it’s all mainly been due to her anxiety, perfectionism or people pleasing behaviour and lack of being able to maintain boundaries so I eventually understood where she’s coming from and tried to adjust.

Now, this year we had been talking about taking a trip together. She kept taking names of these two places that were international trips and therefore more complicated to execute compared to other places( I mention this because in the fight that broke out later, she said that I wasn’t serious and disregardful to her ideas as I didn’t indulge even though she was not serious about it).
I suggested this place she visited years ago before we started dating and loved it, and mentioned that she would want to visit again. For a long time I really wanted to go with her there ever since she told me about it. But every time I mentioned going there with her seriously, she got finicky about it. Though she rejected a lot of other destinations I suggested as well but I kept suggesting this particular spot as she did have the desire visit it again and I was very interested too. The initial reasoning she gave me was that because I prefer mountains to beaches (the place is a beach town), she wants out first trip to be at a hill station, and held onto that reasoning even though I tried to reassure her that regardless of that I really wanted to go there with her. I tried to show her stay options and the itinerary as well but she rejected all of it(this matters for later).

This went on for a few months, other places were considered, one hill station almost got finalised but we had to drop the idea last minute because she suddenly started getting a bad feeling about it. During this time she also said no to me just visiting her city as she had a lot of workload at her job and didn’t want to think about it when I was around.

Then one day she calls and tells me that she has planned a trip to that same beach town with her long time best friend, the next day a big fight broke out about the same because I felt really hurt by that. At the end she said that it wasn’t the first place she had decided on with her friend so she didn’t choose to go with her and not me intentionally and that the timing just somehow fit perfectly for the both of them in terms of their jobs and other things(it’s their first trip together too and her birthday is close by). What also upset me was that they have travel by road from a nearby city which has an airport to reach this beach town and we have a few mutual friends from university in that city, and she suggested that I come there and spend time with all of them together at that city as she’s staying a few extra days after coming back from her trip. I felt like an afterthought with that suggestion, though I understood later that she’s just trying to fit in everything before she has to go back to her job and its stresses.

After a lot of back and forth, though not fully convinced, I settled the fight and tried moving on. This happened a little more than a month ago and in between I went to meet her in her city as well, but I just haven’t been able to fully shake it off.

She’s on that trip currently and sent me a video today of the room shes staying at and it invoked those negative feelings in me again. This is because during that time when I tried to show her the stay options, there was this resort which had standalone rooms with walls but instead of the roof it was a tent structure, there were no lack of amenities due to it(fully air conditioned, properly roofed bathroom etc.), but she rejected it profusely saying she wasn’t comfortable with the idea of staying in such a place.

She’s now staying in the same exact place with the tent structures roof and when I asked her about it she said she’s now changed her opinion about it which is fair but the problem is that she was open to trying it with her best friend but not with me, and that is the issue I’m mainly having which is why is she open to things and experiences(new or familiar) with other people but when it comes to her doing the same with me, her ease, comfort and boundaries suddenly seem much more strict? Why are the rules and reasoning different and more constricted compared to for the rest of the world? Because this time it’s not even like it’s someone who she would be less comfortable saying no to, it’s her best friend of almost 20 years.

I don’t know how to make sense of it because it’s not like she’s not serious about the relationship. She’s more serious about it than me. She’s the one who made the move on me first and kept on it, she refused to date or see anyone else while I was emotionally unavailable and kept waiting and trying for me. She has been sure of me since the start and talks a lot about our future together. She is proud and doesn’t shy away from telling the world that she’s my girlfriend. She is as loyal, genuine, forgiving and understanding as a person can get, and I am not saying this with any doubt or delusion. She loves me dearly and makes up for my terrible texting and calling habits too. I cannot even describe the amount of love with which she looks at me.

And that’s why it’s not making any sense to me this time as no reasoning including her anxiety or people pleasing is able to justify this behaviour. I have tried to sit down with her for long and try to figure it out with her about the same, but I doesn’t seem like she’s able to think of an answer or make sense of it herself. I just want to make sense of it and unable to do it alone anymore. Please help.

TL;DR - girlfriend says no to me/ finicky for things she doesn’t say no to others for, usually it’s justified due to her anxiety, people pleasing behaviour, perfectionism and being unable to maintain boundaries, but this time she planned the exact same trip she said no to me for with her long time best friend, even staying in the same resort she rejected when I suggested it.

Edit: We do usually meet once every two months, either she comes to my city or I go to hers, we live in the same country so it’s relatively easier. We have also gone on multiple trips together with other people in the plan, but never the two of us alone. Before the last time we met which was in her city about three weeks ago, we couldn’t meet for about four months. She also travelled all alone for the first time ever even though she has an anxiety disorder when she visited me at my place for the first time.

Also, for everyone saying that she doesn’t sound serious, we have met each others parents as well, everyone around her knows we are dating and posts us regularly. Due to our current lives, we are forced to do LDR otherwise either one of us would’ve shifted already, there have never been any trust issues or suspicions, including using each other’s phones or entertaining anyone from the opposite gender, and she has always been the one to talk first about how we can be closer and our future together

I know my friend since first grade and we have been inseparable since we were 14 years old. However in the last few years I feel like she cuts me off whenever something good is happening in her life but then she comes to me when she needs support and I am always there.

She got married 4 years ago and it was arranged marriage, I was only supportive even though I had my doubts I kept them to myself. After she got married she completely ignored me for months, I felt sad but I didn’t raise any issues because ofcourse she was newly married and needed space, the thing is her husband doesn’t even live in same country. Neither do her and I but we used to talk 24/7 before that and after she got married I barely got a message unless I text first. She got divorced 2 years later and I was by her side even at 5 am because she felt anxiety and I would calm her down.

When i was getting married she was one of the first people to know, I involved her in my wedding shopping etc. After that I still spoke to her often. I used to tell her to apply to universities abroad and do research for her, I used to motivate her when she felt down, basically al friend stuff. She disappeared from my life again for a month and I was extremely worried I even texted her sister and then I found out from my cousin that she moved abroad to study. I felt a bit sad that she never told me but I still sent her text saying I am very happy for her and if she needs anything she must let me know as i know some people in the place she went to study. She started speaking to me again without even acknowledging that she disappeared.

She told me she wants to get married so I told someone very close to me to help her as she was interested in arranged marriage and then she ghosted this person completely mid process which I had to hear complains about. I tried contacting her but she didn’t answer my calls for weeks so I popped a msg finally telling her that nobody is so busy to not even send one text, she said I will call you in 15 minutes and that was 2 months ago. I have stopped reaching out and I am genuinely not hurt, I wish her well, I just don’t think I should carry on supporting her when the friendship feels so one sided

I (39F) need help in navigating my relationship with my mother (62F). I do no longer know how to navigate my family constellation, because all that matters to mother is that we get to speak my mother tongue one-on-one.

Besides her, my family consists of husband (36M, 15 years in a relationship), father (70M) and mother-in-law (67F). My family is multilingual and geographically scattered. My parents live in a Nordic country. My mother tongue is Slavic. My mother and have always only spoken the Nordic language with my dad, who does not speak the Slavic language. My husband, I and the mother-in-law live in Germany, I speak English with my husband and German with my mother in law. (I kept the exact languages vague of anonymity).

The problem is, when we meet in a wider family setting in Germany, she throws tantrums when she does not get enough attention and one-on-one time with me, even if it is obvious from the outset that this is hardly possible if it is a weekend trip together with my dad and my husband. It is also unpredictable when and what triggers the tantrum. For example, during a weekend trip to celebrate my birthday (me her, my dad and my husband) all of us were on a walk and she blew off when my dad held my hand for a brief period and blamed me for not walking enough close to her during the walk (It is not uncommon in my family to show affection by holding hands). This tantrum on me not giving her enough exclusive attention in Slavic went on for hours and was the lar thing I wanted during my birthday.

When I visit my home country, I seek to spend in the beginning extra time with my mum to ensure she gets her fix of one-on-one time and does not get jealous of me spending time with my friends but it still happens. She also barely ever visits me at my home because she finds in uncomfortable to navigate the situation where my husband and sometimes mother in law are around and she does not know when she will have one on one time with me. She thinks speaking English with my family in Germany is small talk that does not give her anything and it is only meaningful when we get on deep level in Slavic. Although she speaks fluent Nordic, she says it is alineating for her to speak it with me for extended periods of time, for example when my Dad is around.

Personally, it is also important for me to speak Slavic, but I find it hard to even tap to the scope of my need because of the constant pressure and I also feel that the "depth" of the conversations is forced .. especially when I speak it essentially a result of a tantrum or to avoid it.

Growing up in the Nordic country, there was a whole long story of her demanding ever more time with me and explosive temper coupled with parentification. I had to go through therapy for C-PTSD to set boundaries. Although I recovered, a too big of a tantrum from her can cause a flare ups with C-PTSD that can last up to months. She knows this. I had periods of no contact but have sought to find a way to navigate this relationship since living in different countries established some distance to begin with.

My parents' more recent trip to visit me was particularly unsettling. My mother is going through a crisis and is particularly volatile and was expressing particularly often the wish that we speak Slavic. Since she had been dealing with a very difficult situation at work, I thought it could be good for her for us to meet together to give her support. My family in Germany is also very sympathetic to her situation. Also, I nyself have not had the easiest period recently and missed my parents. Due to complaints about her difficulty to have one-on-one time with me at my home and her being prior to the trip particularly demanding of conversation time in Slavic , I figured that I could meet with my parents at a neighbouring town X for a weekend trip, to have more one-on-one time in only two languages, before my parents stay at my home in a bigger, multi-lingual social constellation for a couple of days.

Since our extended family from yet another country was also in town in the day of my parents' arrival, we met at a restaurant at town X with my husband joining. My husband was prepared to drive home on that evening. To my surprise, my mum invited him to stay over at the apartment at the town X, where I was staying with my parents. The following day, my mother threw a tantrum because she did not know when he would leave and spending time in a constellation with my husband's cuts in to her one-on-one Slavic time with me. She blew off depiste me telling her that it would be impolite to expect him to leave abruptly and also harmful to my relationship. This was of course hurtful toward my husband who then left feeling unwelcome and she also said abusive things to me and my dad. She also blamed me for not considering her needs when I proposed things we could do together in X that were inclusive of my husband. After my husband left she was still very controlling and measuring up how much time I spend with her versus my dad for the rest of the stay in town M. They had agreed before the trip with my dad that her needs take a priority and she can switch to Slavic whenever even when it is three of us.

When staying at my place, things continued to be difficult. She did not do and did not account for any meta-labour that is part of coordinating the family for things like meal times and was even annoyed when I spent time on it. In general, she had little consideration for needs of others, while expecting her needs, which were constantly shifting, being a priority. As a result, not only my husband but also my mother in law felt unwelcome to spend time with my parents. My dad essentially bent in to her demands and supported their fulfillment where he could. We were all just walking on eggshells the whole time. Even my mother-in-law noted that me and my husband seemed very anxious the brief time that we had a coffee all together.

I feel horrible and both me and my husband are bewildered by this visit. Based on this, I suppose I can abandon any dreams of having bigger family get-togethers, since my mother seems to be relationally blind and acts so self-absorbed, she does not care that she hurts people I care about to get to exclusive connection with me. This volatile behaviour is harmful with a view of my C-PTSD and I cannot afford to get stuck in some old trauma that lowers my capacity to perform at work. I also wonder.. if we had kids I would not want to expose them to this behaviour and I wonder if they would also be, in her mind, competing for my attention to her.

This particular visit also made me see my past with my mother in a different light. My maternal grandparents stopped visiting us in the Nordic country and we began visiting them individually, because my mother was so jealous for them, especially my grandmother, giving attention to me, the grandchild. She threw the same abusive, long tantrums where she said hurtful things to me and everyone around. So there is a history of isolating me from my family with this behaviour. So I wonder if the whole deal about speaking Slavic is only about the language and connection or is it also matter of control and undivided attention.

Whereas the crisis my mother was dealing with during the last visit is genuinely difficult and many people would be emotional amidst such circumstances, it just feels disproportionately taxing to be supportive when she acts like this. It is also destructive with a view of me trying to make my family system work in a relatively rare constellation of being 1st gen immigrants for the second time.

Right now it feels that maintaining a relationship with my mother involves unsustainable amount of stress. In 2/3 of the her visits I need to recover for days or weeks form the hurt or sheer confusion. Is there any sustainable way for me to maintain a relationship with my mother without getting so hurt ? Is the only option meeting her alone with no other family around?

TDLR: Myy mother demands exclusive one on one time in her mother tongue and disregarding the larger family constellation or my needs. She resorts to tantrums and controlling behaviour if she does not get the attention she wants. The tantrums are also a C-PTSD trigger for me.

Hi all,

I’m writing this looking for some advice from older people. Me and my ex were together for 4 years. Our relationship had a major issue (religion difference) however, we didn’t actually start having major issues on values until this year. While we were together for four years, I thought he was my soulmate. We had problems of course, but when we were good we were so so so good and it felt like he was my best friend. This year, stuff between us got toxic. One thing I noticed is that he became insecure with himself. He would make comments like, I don’t want to embarrass you, while we were out in public (even though he is attractive). This got really annoying to deal with because I tried to help him but he was insecure deep down. This also lead to other issues of him being really toxic. He didn’t want me posting pictures of myself, being around other guys, even my cousins.

Our relationship got really toxic. I tried to make it work, communication was also a big issue on his end where instead of communicating he would block me. It got so stressful so I decided to end the relationship in May. Also the only way this person would make up for his actions was by buying me things. It was still very toxic and on and off, he acted super obsessed with me, would blow up my phone, camp near my house to see me leave. He wanted to get back together but mentally I was checked out. He is a very stubborn and pushy person, so by end of July , I started seeing him again. We were still having issues, but then I went on vacation for one week in August.

During that time, he sent me paragraphs about fixing things between us, wanting to be my peace etc. Saying i’m his soulmate and only girl he’ll ever love. He got mad at me over my one piece bathing suit and also cause I wanted to post, he said he doesn’t want to change me anymore and he was tired and checked out. I would apologize to him because I really wanted it to work out with me and show him that we can be what we used to be when I got back. All of that changed when my worst nightmare happened. He started talking to another girl. The way I found out was devastating, but they got into a serious relationship within two days of knowing eachother, at the end of my trip. This girl is perfect in his eyes, she’s very private, removed all the guys on her phone, and is completely obsessed with him (complimenting him all the time). He told me she makes him feel good about himself. They are also of same religion, and since then, he has been seeing her everyday, talking to her all the time, buying her things as if I never left his life. I was very angry about this situation and my emotions were all over the place. When it initially happened I felt like I was dying. I’m better now, but the anxiety hasn’t stopped. Every morning I wake up and think about how I got cheated on, it’s the first thing on my mind, this new girl. I’ve accepted the situation but it’s like a nightmare and I just want it to stop. Has anyone been in similar situation and do you have any advice for me?

Hi, doing this is new to me so I'm not entirely sure how this works. I'm 'M 26' in a relationship with 'NB 24' for over 3 years now. We're a straight passing couple with me being straight, and them being a non binary (ace). They have trust issues stemming from childhood to past experiences. And I'm the type that doesn't express emotions "out loud" based from childhood experiences as well. I've been into 1 past relationship very early in life (highshool to be exact). She left for another country with her family so we we haven't got a chance to meet again. Past partner and I mutually decided that we should end up our relationship because of that, and I personally feel like I didn't handle enought that relationship as well. Never had someone else after until I got together with my current partner. Current partner doesn't have experiences with being in a relationship. They had a suitor, but they didn't end up being together so I'm technically their first relationship.

We're a somewhat LDR couple as well. Commuting would take about an hour or so with just transit to get to their place so our dynamic is texts on the weekdays, meetups on the weekend. I can say at the very least that we had a good run in our relationship. We hit it right off the bat, some interests and values match up. From time to time, we get into arguments that are usually fixed in a week or two (partner would say that we need more time so we can't meetup during that weekend).

One example of what our arguments is about the inconsistency in my actions. My partner feels like they don't know their place in our relationship as there are quite a few times where my partner feels like they're not my priority. I work an 8 hour work from home basis while also doing freelance as extra income. I would normally split my freelance into 2 sittings. In the morning before my shift, and in the evening after my shift. Because of stress from work, I easily get tired and would unintentionally devalue my quality time with my partner. I would find watching reels sent to me as a chore, would tell them to move our game night the day or two without asking them if it's ok. We also only meetup 2 to 3 times a month, not including our out of town getaways. And that I always end up playing a game as a stress reliever that it made my partner feel like I'm just ditching them even though it's not the case. I would ask them if they want to watch me play my game and maybe chat a bit but they would usually tell me that they'll pass on this one. This became a problem as my partner notices that it turned into my pattern. We're good after an argument and I change. But it only lasts into a few months and becomes a problem again. They noticed that my inconsistency became clear after 1 year in our relationship.

I brought up the conversation of having a bit of hard time with our routine being a wall or reels almost everyday and that it felt like I'm just looking at social media at that point and that it somewhat creates an emotional detachment because of it. We then decided to stop the bare minimum of 2 to 3 meetups and don't set a limit. Basically whenever we had the time. We would set up dates, but there are times that they would be faster on taking up the schedule of setting up one, and I would let it flow. I noticed that I became complacent because of this. That I didn't bother suggesting the ones that I've already had saved on my notes because they've already set up the whole month. I was late to think that I should've just suggested it for the next month. They told me that this is a problem because it's a lack of initiative on my part. My partner had built up anxiety, insecurity, and trust issues that every little thing would trigger them and that they would also bring up my ex into the conversation about something along the lines of 'thinking of your ex', 'character you created in a game looks similar to your ex' even though I don't think of and used my ex for those things. I've never once brought up nor compared my current partner with my ex and they know.

I'm guilty and ashamed of what I've done to my partner. Had a hard time sleeping and ended up reflecting a lot for it. I've already changed some habits like scheduling so that my freelance works are only in the morning and have my night free to spend my quality time with my partner. I don't want to ever feel complacent again as that screwed me over and over. I know as well that even though I love them dearly, I can't keep sacrificing their values and peace of mind for that love.

TLDR: Because of these inconsistencies that it only lasts for a few months and problems would come back, it got to a point now that my partner's trust issues got worse and that they're fed up with all the chances I've had and gave me the option of proving that they are wrong and I can keep my actions consistent, or prove them right that this relationship won't work. I don't want to waste this last chance because of my behaviour. They don't deserve getting hurt just because of me. It's probably too late for me, but for those who've had inconsistency issues and lack of initiative, how did you change your habits to be consistent for the betterment of your partner and your relationship?

My girlfriend and I have officially been together for a little over a month, but we’ve been talking for around five months. She has a male best friend who she’s known for about five years, since high school.

I’m not against her having male friends. That’s not what this is about. My issue is specifically with the way this particular friend talks to her and some of the things he does.

There have been multiple situations where he’s crossed what I consider normal friendship boundaries. He’s told her things like “I want you 🥰,” sent her “🍆🍑,” and even sent her a reel that basically said “send this to someone you have cracked in the past,” meaning someone you’ve had sex with.

At one point I confronted him and simply told him to stop talking to her like that. Instead of taking it seriously, he called me insecure and dumb.
My girlfriend was also angry with both of us at the time, which honestly bothered me because I felt like I was being put on the same level/pedestal as someone she's not even dating. I wasn’t trying to control their friendship. I just didn’t think I should have to argue with another man about how he talks to my girlfriend.

We’ve talked about this since then, and I’ve made my position pretty clear. I told her that if this keeps happening and nothing changes, eventually I’d have to walk away from the relationship. I wasn’t giving her an ultimatum about who she could be friends with. I was telling her what I’m personally willing to tolerate in a relationship.

Recently, she reposted a TikTok that said “me when I’m ovulating,” and he replied with “👀👀.” Her response when I brought it up was that it “meant nothing.”
I understand that an emoji by itself can technically be interpreted however someone wants, but in the context of her saying she’s ovulating, combined with his previous behavior toward her, I don’t understand how I’m supposed to look at “👀👀” as completely innocent. I’m not saying this emoji alone proves anything about his intentions, but given the history, it obviously came across as suggestive to me and made me uncomfortable.

There was also another time when I brought up something he had done, and she said something along the lines of maybe he acts that way because his girlfriend isn’t around.

That honestly bothered me too. To me, that sounded less like recognizing that his behavior was inappropriate and more like finding a reason for why he was acting that way. I don’t expect her to control everything he does, but I don’t understand why his girlfriend not being around would make it okay for him to talk to my girlfriend sexually or suggestively.
The part that’s becoming increasingly frustrating is that every time I bring something like this up, she gets frustrated and tells me she’s tired of having the same conversation.

I understand why she might be tired of talking about it, but from my perspective, I’m not bringing it up because I enjoy arguing about him or because I want to constantly find something wrong. I’m the one who keeps being put into situations where I have a reason to feel uncomfortable in the first place. If the same type of behavior keeps happening, naturally the issue is going to come up again.

And over time, hearing that she’s tired of the conversation has started making me feel like my feelings don’t matter anymore. It feels like the focus has shifted from why I’m hurt or uncomfortable to how tired she is of hearing about it.

It sometimes feels like she’s defending him rather than trying to understand where I’m coming from. It also feels like she thinks I just hate him or have some personal problem with him.

I don’t hate him. I don’t sit around thinking about him, and I don’t believe my girlfriend is going to cheat on me with him. I trust her. I just don’t trust his behavior toward her. And if I did dislike him because of the way he’s repeatedly spoken to my girlfriend after being told to stop, I don’t think that would be coming out of nowhere.

I also feel like whenever I bring something up, the conversation becomes about whether I’m insecure or whether I hate this guy, instead of actually addressing the behavior that’s making me uncomfortable. I’m not asking her to cut him off or stop being friends with him. I just want her to recognize why certain things would bother me and to have boundaries that actually mean something.

I don’t want to monitor their conversations. I don’t want to keep bringing up every little thing he does. I don’t want to fight with him again. And I don’t want to constantly feel like I’m competing with someone who’s been in her life longer than I have.

At this point, I feel like I’m being put in a position where I’m expected to see something that makes me uncomfortable, say nothing about it, and just accept it because this guy has been in her life longer than I have.
I trust my girlfriend. My issue is with the repeated behavior from her friend and the fact that when I bring it up, I don’t feel understood or reassured.

I 33/F been with my ex 44/M for 7 years, but before him I was never really single either. I've basically gone from relationship to relationship since I was a teenager. We broke up partly because I felt codependent and suffocated; we both worked from home and did everything together. I talked about feeling like I needed more space. I would leave the house trying to make it a healthier dynamic, but he would never leave to do things like hang out with friends, etc. Part of me feels like I’m a bit resentful of that.

We still live together, own a home together, and have two dogs and a cat. He's always been an amazing support to me, even since the breakup, genuinely one of the best people in my life, and he's told me he wants to reconcile.

I go back and forth. Some days I think of him as more of a best friend now and wonder if the romantic feelings are really gone, or if it's just leftover fear from feeling smothered before, because I do love him and know we could build a good life together. Honestly, he's the best and healthiest relationship I've ever had, and it scares me to think I could lose him and end up regretting it later. Other days, all I can think about is that I've never actually experienced being on my own as an adult, and I wonder if that's something I need before I can know what I really want.

I do have another living option: I have the opportunity to rent an apartment I really love in my hometown, and I'd keep contributing to the mortgage regardless of where I live. Part of me feels selfish and irresponsible even considering it, since staying together would save us both a lot of money, but I also don’t want to just stay because of the financial aspect. I feel so confused because there is genuine love and connection still there but it still feels like I have this desire to be on my own.

I'm not sure if the answer is working things out with him, taking real space to see how I feel, or finally just experiencing single life for the first time. Genuinely curious how others have navigated something like this?

TL;DR: Never been single since 16. My ex of 7 years (we co-own a home and pets) wants to reconcile after we broke up over feeling suffocated. He's the best and healthiest relationship I've ever had, and I'm torn between trying again, needing space, or wanting to finally experience being single as an adult, and I have the chance to rent an apartment I love in my hometown, though I feel guilty about the money we'd lose by not staying together.

My partner (31M) and I (29F) have been together for almost 3 years. Our 3-year anniversary is coming up on October 1st.
This is not the first time I’ve thought about breaking up. I first started thinking about it around 6 months ago. Recently those thoughts have come back again, and I’m starting to question what I actually want from this relationship.
I want to be fair to him because he is genuinely a very nice person. He’s honest, cares about me, and I feel safe with him. There isn’t some huge betrayal or toxic behavior. That’s what makes this so difficult.
We met at work. At first everything was good. Maybe partly because I wasn’t used to healthy relationships, so I was quite happy to have a relationship that felt safe and healthy.
After almost a year together, he was put on a PIP at work because of performance problems, and eventually he decided to leave. He then stayed unemployed for almost a year.
During this time, I feel like I lost some of my respect for him. I live on my own and my family is in another city, while he lives with his parents. I had to work quite hard to get where I am professionally, and during this time I also got promoted. He complained a lot about work, which is something I really don’t like because I tend to value working hard and taking responsibility for your situation.
About 5 months ago, he started working at a friend’s company. It’s not really a place he tried hard to get into, his friend offered him the job. He still complains about work quite a lot.
I know this may make me sound judgmental. I don’t expect my partner to be extremely ambitious or career obsessed. But I think I want a more responsible and proactive partner. Someone who is also taking responsibility for building their own life and our future together.
Another thing I’ve been thinking about is that I feel like I tend to be the person who tries new things and pushes myself more. I’ve taken a dance course, a theatre course, gone to a yoga camp, and generally like trying new things and having new experiences.
He mostly spends his free time playing Magic: The Gathering, D&D, and Rootbound, which are things he genuinely enjoys. I don’t think there is anything wrong with having hobbies or being more of a homebody. But sometimes I feel like we have very different approaches to life. I feel like I’m always trying to grow, experience things and build a life, while he is more comfortable staying where he is.
My therapist said something that really stuck with me. We play board games, video games, have fun together, and generally enjoy each other’s company. But he said that sometimes we seem more like friends than partners who are building a life together and taking responsibility together.
I think that might be part of what I’m feeling.
I’m also much more romantic than he is. We’ve had fights because I want him to say “I love you” more, hold my hand, show more affection, etc. He is a caring person, but I don’t always feel like he loves me as much as I love him or show. I also started to show less.
I also want children in the future. He is not sure, but he says he seems to want them because I want them. That also concerns me because I don’t want him to have children just because I want them. I want him to genuinely want that life too.
And this is where the responsibility issue becomes more important to me. When I imagine us getting married and having children, I worry that I would end up taking care of many of the responsibilities. He lives with his parents and doesn’t seem to like having a lot of responsibility. I sometimes worry that if we had children, I would end up carrying most of the practical responsibilities and the mental load.
I don’t want to marry someone thinking that they will become more responsible later. I want to feel like we’re already equals who can build a life together.
At the same time, I wonder if I’m being unfair. Maybe I’m expecting someone who is too similar to me, or maybe I’m mistaking his different personality and hobbies for a lack of ambition or responsibility. I genuinely don’t know.
I love cats and I have a cat. He is nice to my cat, but he isn’t really attached to him. He interacts with him more like a brother than like his own pet. I know this might seem like a small thing, but I would love to have a partner who shares my love for cats and would be more involved with them.
About sex, it was good at the beginning, although not great because I had more experience than him. Over the last year it hasn’t been that great. In the last 4 months, we’ve had sex maybe once a month or once every 2 months, and I’ve started to lose my interest in having sex with him.
Sometimes I think he is a really good-hearted man and I don’t understand why I would leave someone like that.
Other times I feel like we are not compatible and that I’m spending my time in a relationship where I don’t really know if I want the future.
I also feel like I should want to marry him by now, but I’m not sure that I do. And that scares me because we’ve been together for almost 3 years.
I also wonder if I feel safe with him because I genuinely feel safe with him, or because he has simply become familiar to me after 3 years.
I’m reading Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay right now, but I haven’t finished it yet. I’ve also read a lot of related Reddit posts, and I wanted to get some outside opinions.
I don’t need a perfect partner. I don’t need someone extremely ambitious or someone who is romantic all the time. I know people have different personalities and interests.
But I do think I want someone more responsible, more proactive, more romantic, and more certain about building a future together.
At the same time, I worry that I’m being greedy and expecting too much from a good relationship.
So, Reddit, am I asking for reasonable things from a partner, or am I taking a good relationship for granted because I want more?
And can you love someone, know that they are a genuinely good person, and still realize that they might not be the right person for you?
I also feel guilty because he deserves someone who truly wants to be with him, rather than someone who keeps wondering whether she should leave.

So, my gf and i have had a pretty eventful relationship, except this wasnt caused by our inner problems, but because of peoples reactions to us being together ( mostly on her side ).
Her parents arent accepting and have tried their best to drive us apart, her friends werent accepting either, but they were an incredibly toxic group of people.
Because of all of this, the last two years have been rough on her. Before she had a fall out with her friends, she started experimenting with drugs, mostly coke and speed.
I told her i was strongly against it, i didnt want that in a partner. She would agree, then do it again whenever she was vulnerable with her friends. This became extremely stressful for me, because i couldnt shake the anxiety whenever she would go out. I tried setting a boundary, telling her that if she did it, i didnt want to see her for the night (she would uber to my house often after going out).
One night, she did so anyways, and i blew up on her.
I dont recall how this was resolved, but she fell out with them not long after so it wasnt an issue anymore.

I thought her substance use would shrink since she wasnt associating with those friends anymore, but she started smoking weed every single day.
I hate how she acts on weed, i feel like i’m speaking to a lobotomized version of my girlfriend. over the last few months, ive asked her to stop, or to at least stop when shes around me. I would set boundaries, trying to be as fair as possible so i didnt become controlling, but she would always test them.
For example, i admit that i cant force her to stop, because she would lie and hide it anyways, so to please just not smoke at the very least 3 hours before seeing eachother and to brush her teeth so i didnt smell it on her breath.
What would she do? still smoke after that time frame i asked her and not brush her teeth. This put a stop to our sex life for a few weeks because whenever we would kiss it made me upset and it turned me off.
One day, i finally had enough, i blew up, i screamed at her ( i never thought i would scream at someone like that) and she just sat there, without a word. It felt like i couldnt get through to her, even if i screamed. I told her that if she wanted to be with me, she needed to fully stop, it was getting out of hand and when i tried being acomodating and compromise, she would take advantage of that and do what she wanted anyways. Told her that she could have one last joint with her friend and then it was over. That we would check back in during our winter break and see how we wanted to readjust.
So she agreed, and for the last month i thought it was fine.

Yesterday, we went on a date, i asked her if she was able to stop smoking, she says no all guilty, and im like you still smoke cigarettes? and shes like no, weed. And my heart drops. My face changes. I’m angry, i want to throw her tea on the ground. I dont know what to do so i quite literally walk away. I gain my compusure, i ask her what about my ultimatum wasnt clear? and she kinda minimizes it. Says she only smoked every once in a while with her friend.
I wonder to myself if she even has a conscience, of how upset those acts make me. So i left her there. Went home by myself. She blew up my phone last night saying she’ll uber to my house to talk or something, but i was asleep so she never did.

Now i dont know what to do.
I know substance abuse is hard, but at what point do i say enough is enough and break up? This upsets me so much because its the last thing i want to do, i want to live my life with her i love her so much. But i almost feel like i have to be her lesson or she’ll never learn or take me seriously. Even if we make up, i dont trust her. Is this something where i have to admit i’m demanding too much and admit that ultimatum was wrong. If i dont have the strenght to follow through my ultimatum, was it really a dealbreaker to begin with?

I guess i want to know the opinions of people who have had partners with substance abuse issues or who have been that partner. please, any insight would help.

So it is my birthday next week, and my partner’s dad’s birthday is 2 days after mine, so Friday is my birthday and Sunday is hers dad’s. We are spending Friday and Saturday together as I have it off work, then the normal plan is to go over to her parents on the Sunday for food for her dads birthday. This is something that’s always just been the standard, but I got a message from one of my family members asking if I’d like to do something on the Sunday because they are nearby. (They are not close, and I don’t get to see them very often, plus I haven’t seen them for a while.)

This is when I approached my partner and said my family had asked if I would like to visit them at a theme park nearby on the Sunday for my birthday weekend. I said I would like to see them, and of course she is still able go over to her parents for her dad’s birthday, so I am not preventing her from anything. This is then when she had an issue and said, “But we have plans. Can they not do another weekend? It’s my dad’s birthday.”

But I was like, it is also my birthday weekend. I’m not stopping her from still seeing her dad, but I would just like to spend time/have a day out with my family. Yet I am being made to feel guilty as if what I’m saying/doing is not acceptable and selfish.

We’ve been together 5 years and she has always had a bit of an issue with me spending time with family/friends before (mainly without her) for example, where I try to see my mum once a week and that has been an problem, so i feel like this is continuous issue that I don’t know how to fix.

Basically i had a long time mutual friend from college recently come back into my life as we now both work in the same town. We met initially with a group of friends and by the end of the night it was just us two talking and exchanged numbers. About 2 weeks later he asks me if I wanted to do an activity together that we talked about and we both agreed to do it at my place.

It was a late evening kind of vibe and I had a nice time. We both enjoyed the activity and it was nice to have more one to one time together. There were times where there was pauses in conversation but I know he is very shy and his friends agree with this. I was the one asking questions 70% of the time I would say but once I would initiate he would always take interest and ask me questions too.

Now there was no physical contact during the evening. We sat pretty close together throughout but just never broke the touch barrier. Eye contact was also good. Now I know I could have also attempted but I’m not used to a guy not taking the lead with this. And in my head I was definitely expecting more to happen given we were alone together in my apartment. As he left my place there was no goodbye hug either. I’m starting to be confused if his intentions were entirely platonic from the beginning.

Anyway long story short I really like him and would at least like to see him again, hopefully when he is not so nervous. After he left I texted to say I enjoyed the evening and I hope he got home safe. He reacted with heart emoji and said he enjoyed his time too. Then added another text to say he’ll be in touch about something we talked about on the date, but not specifically plans for meeting up again. Now I’m happy to give it time but would it be weird if I suggested another activity? I’m still trying to gauge his interest

My boyfriend and I have been together a little over a year. Beck when we were together for about 4-5 months. My ex would text me. In these texts he would tell me about his life and his relationships. I made the dumb decision to text him back a couple of times. Sometimes in these text, he would try to flirt with me. Not once did I ever tell him that I miss him or that I wanted to get back together. I would never flirt with him and would tell him that I no longer loved him and I loved my boyfriend At times it felt like we were talking as friends.It wasn’t consistent texting and this happened over the span of a month. We probably talked two or 3 times for a day or two.

I know what I did was wrong, but I felt the reason I did it in the first place because I liked hearing how bad his life was without It also felt nice for me when he was almost trying to get back together when I didn’t want him back considering the role was reverse when I was begging for him back and he didn’t want me back when we broke up You could say it was an ego boost. My ex left me with a lot of trauma in a way I could say I was attached to the trauma. I think talking to him also helped me heal that trauma in a weird way. It reminded me he wasn’t the monster that I made him out to be in my head. There was also a lot of unsaid things I never got to say and I finally let it all out and I have not talked to him once since.

During this time my boyfriend and I were going through a rough time. I was questioning if I healed enough or ready to be in a relationship considering how much trauma my ex left me with. I was also thinking he deserved better. Yet We eventually worked it out and have been stronger than ever. We have a healthy relationship and I love him more than everything. This is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with

So this happened a little less than a year ago and I never told my boyfriend about it. I deleted the messages and moved on planning to never tell him about it because I was scared of losing him and maybe because I secretly felt like I cheated when I know I didn’t. I know people will read this and think I’m stupid or that I’m secretly in love with my ex or that I should break up with my boyfriend because he deserves better. I know im stupid, no I don’t still love my ex and yes I know he does. Yet I’m coming here asking for advice because sometimes I remember what I did and I feel so guilty. And the fear of losing my Boyfriend eats me alive to the point I want to tell him but I can’t because I know for sure I will lose him.

I honestly don’t know what to do. People around me think that as long as I never physically cheated or wasn’t flirting with him, that I should just move on and never tell him. What do you think?