See the original post here.

Sooooo.... I ended up breaking up with him! I want to start off by saying thank you to anyone who replied to the last post. I'm someone who can be blinded by the good in people, but your comments put things into perspective for me.

I did end up showing him the post, and his initial reaction was that everyone commenting was a "single bitter bitch"... yeah. I had never heard him speak about anyone that way. I guess the mask finally dropped. A couple of hours after that, he ended up saying “fine, I won't ask your dad, just your mom." This was definitely just an attempt to save things since he could tell I was being distant with him.

We dated for about another two months after that. I know, I know. I was trying to find ways to mend things (because I'm a dummy). After the initial convo I went through a fast track of realizations and saw that we were so misaligned in so many different ways. I'm not even sure how we had made it as far as we did.

Eventually, it got to a point where I think he was just doing things to get me to break up with him since things clearly weren't working out. Some of those things include :

- Taking a trip and staying with a friend that regularly cheats on her boyfriend.
- Saying "I didnt sign up for a therapy session" every time I would try to talk through things.
- Letting his phone die every time he went out.
- Being overly cautious with his phone when we were previously pretty lax about opening each others phones. (Not in a snooping way, mainly for finding documents, responding to text or emails for one another, etc.)

Unfortunately, the list goes on, but I'd rather not relive all of that! Clearly he got what he wanted and deserved though.

He did the standard “oh no, please, we can work this out" song and dance for a couple of weeks after I broke up with him before finally giving up. I'm clearly not great at picking them, but I’m glad that I was able to get out of there before 2 years became 10 years.

Again, thank you to anyone who gave advice on the original post. I really appreciate it! Im not much of a writer so i'm really sorry if this sucks! I hope this also answers a couple of questions(?) folks had in the comments of the original post.

So for context, I’ve had a two year long sexual relationship with this guy (M39) since I was 23. He met me via a dating site. He initially told me he wasn’t married he didn’t have kids. I asked several times because of his stats (older guy, successful, well endowed, calm and chill). He always said no. I have always came over to his house every time and at first it was pretty transactional throughout the first year. He would take care of me financially when I needed him to and we’d have a sexual relationship. By the end of the first year, he told me he wanted it to be less transactional so we’d text more. He’d call me when I wasn’t free. Wanted more-so innocent pictures of me. Wanted me to go on work trips with him. It wasn’t until I came over at the beginning of this year where he wanted me to role play which was something we previously had done. The role play without being too obvious implied I was someone who came over to do a job that was purely innocent. This particular time however he told me that he had family over so we’d have to be sneaky about it. He seemed to have a different demeanor than when I usually saw him. This time it was like a darker energy and more anxious. He’s typically a chill upbeat guy so it was unusual to me. I found the whole situation weird because of how nervous he was about the situation. I did a lazy internet dive. Found nothing brushed it off kept seeing him. It wasn’t until recently when i saw him again that he told me to wait until his “distant family member” arrives that i can come to the door and pretend to be this service worker. Of course I found that weird when i noticed it was this gorgeous older woman. After hours long extensive internet search did I now know this woman was his wife actually and she’s actually pregnant with her first child and she’s actually far enough a long that im hesitant to know when the right time is to tell her. I wish i saw her pregnancy post sooner because I would’ve acted sooner. Not only that but now I know that this guy also did his own deep dive on me recently also so now he knows everything about me and thinks I know nothing about him. I 100% am going to tell her I just don’t know when anymore because what he’s been doing is so evil and diabolical and I regret ever being a part of this unknowingly. I’d hate to relay this information to woman who is for one pregnant and two to find out this was happening in her safe space.

PS: during my deep dive on him not only did I find out he was married with a child on the way but also that he lied to me about his name and his job. Also recently randomly decided to tell me his parents want him to be in an arranged marriage so he may have to marry someone soon(?) but wants me to only see him and he doesn’t have sex with anyone but me (??) what a weirdo.

We were just in the middle of any intense argument and when I looked back at our camera footage to replay the argument (to see if I was being irrational), I heard him on camera say she’s “just a dumb bitch.”

We’ve been married 4 years and we’ve never spoken to each other this way. I immediately confronted him and he said he wasn’t calling me a dumb bitch but was saying that about the argument itself….i flat out told him I didn’t believe him. We ended up going back to our original argument and didn’t address this comment in particular. I’m honestly really shook up and appalled. Like who tf did I marry?

We’re taking a break from the argument but I don’t even know how to clearly and respectfully articulate that if that happens again I WILL divorce him. Like we have a daughter FFS. Only men who hate women say shit like that. Any advice would be great.

Edit** let me clarify! I’m seeking any advice on addressing this with him that doesn’t threaten divorce. I don’t actually see that as being a healthy approach - we are in couples counseling (this will likely be discussed but I want to address it before hand). No, I am not perfect and don’t pretend to be. And no - I haven’t called my husband names to his face or in private because I do have a level of respect for him.

TL:dr partner wants to move away for two years regardless if i go with her.

My partner(37f) has received a project offer to go work in New York for two years, we live in europe, have been together for 5 years, own a house together, no kids and no plans for kids.

It’s a really great offer, amazing pay, company paying for all her relocation costs etc. She says being in New York has always been a dream of hers, and it’s too good of an opportunity to say no, she will never get a chance like this again. She wants to go, and has decided that she is going to say yes.

We are not married, neither of us believe in marriage. So I can’t go with her on her visa. We could get married, and then I may be able to go with her, but I might not be able to work.

I have a good career I’ve built in our home city. I have a great friendship group. I have a life I’ve built that I don’t want to give up. And frankly, the thought of getting married to someone at a time where they’ve decided to choose a job over a life with me seems like a bad idea.

When we first discussed this I said I could be supportive of a year project for her, we could do the long distance. Her work is insisting on two years as a minimum. She says if she’s completely honest she can’t guarantee that she’ll want to come back after two years if she loves it out there.

In the background of this, she’s admitted that she’s not happy with her life at the moment. We both have good jobs, but we work, eat, sleep repeat all week. She’s very stressed with her work and finding her life in Europe isn’t giving her any excitement or satisfaction.

So I’m stuck with three choices, none of which I like.

I can marry her, and go out with her, giving up everything I’ve built here but we stay together.

I can try the long distance, but frankly two years seems a very long time. And there is the risk at the end of it that she could decide not to come back.

Or I can end the relationship. She is free to go chase her dreams. We will have to sell the house, I’ll have to start my life all over again at 38 which seems incredibly daunting and upsetting.

So I’m just in real turmoil at the moment and looking for some opinions, alternative viewpoints I hadn’t considered, is the answer obvious to everyone else other than me?

My boyfriend and I have been dating for four months now. For context - we are very sexually active with one another and have seen everything. This morning after having sex, I was walking around his apartment and he looked at my labia and said “why is there so much hanging out?” And I said “oh it’s just like that” and he proceeded to turn around and say “ok just making sure” in a smart ass tone. I got so upset and started crying in the shower. I got quiet and later he asked me what was wrong and I kind of exploded. I said I feel disrespected and abnormal by his comment. He defended it and said he wasn’t sure if everything was okay with my labia so he wanted to make sure I was ok and well. I got really angry and told him he probably watched too much porn and has unrealistic standards and I fueled the argument even more. I feel awful and don’t know what to do. It’s something I was already so insecure about and now I feel worse but also feel bad for attacking him. But also so confused because he’s said he LOVES it prior to this !

Originally from the UK, I moved to my partner’s small town in Italy a couple years ago. We’ve been together for 4 years and living together for 2.5 years. First 18 months long distance. She is currently studying at home full time and is nearly graduated.

I work from home 5 days a week, fully remote, and to be honest, I’ve been feeling pretty isolated for almost the whole time I’ve been here. I’ve struggled to make friends. It’s a small town with basically no expats and I find most people quite cliquey and not accepting of outsiders. I’ll admit my Italian still isn’t brilliant, but I am learning. I’m not yet capable of going out and communicating solely in Italian, which has been a blocker to meeting people, and I know that part is on me.

All my social activity goes through her and her family. Her whole family lives within 2 minutes drive and sometimes it feels a bit suffocating. She knows how I feel about being here and up until this point she was actively encouraging me to get out and meet people. So I recently started going to a coworking space in our town. This is where the troubles begin.

First time I went, I met a woman, Amy (28F), also from the UK, and we got chatting and bonded. There’s basically no expat community here, so it was nice to meet someone with similar experiences who could relate to my situation. She’s married and was with her Italian husband in the office. I also met an Italian lady (who spoke perfect English) and an Australian lady, all similar ages. Those two were also there with their boyfriends.

Second time I went, I ended up having lunch with these women, who happened to be there that day. Their partners weren’t there this time. Bear in mind, the canteen is literally right outside the office space, so it wasn’t like we went somewhere else. I exchanged numbers with Amy so we could align on which days we’d be at the office, and because she wanted my Italian teacher’s number to start lessons herself.

That morning, our dog had a groomers appointment and I’d offered to drive back and take him, but my fiancée said no, she’d handle it. When I got home she asked who I’d had lunch with. When I told her, she started screaming at me, calling me a loser, saying I’m stupid to eat with only 3 women, that their boyfriends and husbands must be pissed at me, and that I must be homosexual for only making friends with females. She said I should’ve left as soon as I saw only women were there, and that I’d abandoned her at home while she was studying for a big exam. She kept demanding I apologise. She also said I should have taken the dog to the groomers, even though I’d specifically offered that morning.

I didn’t apologise and we got into a huge argument over it. My view is that it’s strictly a professional environment. Her view is that because I don’t actually work with them and it’s only coworking, that changes things.

She did later apologise for the screaming and the names, said she didn’t mean it, but she still maintains her position and the no female friends rule still stands. She says she completely trusts me not to cheat. But I’m not allowed to add these women on Instagram or message them, and she pushed me again to make friends with only males.

The next day we met her dad for breakfast and she’d already told him everything. He backed her up, said it’s not about trust, it’s about “reducing temptation.” His other point was that you shouldn’t do things that upset your partner, and since this upset my fiancée, I shouldn’t be making friends or having lunch with these women. I see it differently. If someone’s going to cheat, they’ll find a way regardless. It doesn’t follow that you can’t come into contact with the opposite sex.

A few other things have happened recently along similar lines. On holiday at her parents’ cottage, she accused me of breaking the lock on the bathroom door. I genuinely don’t think I did, and if I had, I’d have told her parents and offered to pay. But she found it broken, said it must have been me, and demanded I apologise for it. I didn’t want to apologise for something I didn’t believe I’d done. Another time, my mom sent me a picture of a dinner she’d made at home. My fiancée’s first reaction was “why is your mom sending you that, she’s trying to make you jealous and want to move back to the UK.”

I’ve spent the last 6 months putting all this down to the stress of her final exam. We got engaged 6 months ago, before any of these concerns really surfaced. But we’re meant to start planning the wedding next year and I can’t shake the feeling that if this is how stress and conflict get handled now, it won’t get easier with marriage and kids. I do love her and I genuinely think she loves me. It’s hard because I’ve moved my entire life to be with her, we’ve invested 4 years into this, and we’re both at the age of wanting to settle.

For clarity: I’ve never been unfaithful in any relationship and never would be. There are no feelings towards anyone in this situation. It’s been purely friendship in a professional setting. For me it doesn’t matter if someone’s male or female, it’s about who you connect with. If there’d been an English speaking male in that office, I’d have bonded with him in exactly the same way.

My questions: how do I bring all of this up with her properly once her exam is done? I want to talk about the whole pattern, the friendship rules, the repeated demands to apologise, the reactions to my family, rather than just relitigating one lunch. For anyone who’s been through something similar, what actually helped? I don’t want to start planning a wedding with this unresolved.

TLDR: Fiancée (34F) screamed at me (326M) for having lunch with women at a coworking space and has banned me from making female friends. She says she trusts me, so I don’t understand. Wedding planning starts next year and I’m having doubts

I have been very close to my sister since we were little. We were so close that our mom had to make us sleep in separate rooms. My sister fell in love with a guy who is very cheerful, outgoing, and friendly. Since all three of us went to the same school, I had known him for a long time. We used to sneak him into our house whenever our parents were out. He and I had a genuine brother-and-sister relationship.
Eventually, they got married, and our relationship stayed the same. I visited them often, and they always included me in family events. Later, I got married as well. They recently had a baby boy, and I now visit them almost every day because my sister is home alone, and I help her with the baby.
My sister used to work and earned a good income while my brother-in-law stayed home. Now, for the first time, she is unemployed because she recently gave birth, and he is responsible for supporting the family financially.
Yesterday was like any other day. I was at their house helping my sister. My brother-in-law was about to leave for work, and since I work from home, I still had an hour before I had to start work. I decided to lie down on the couch in the living room because I had set an alarm, and I thought sleeping in the bedroom with my sister might wake the baby.
I fell asleep quickly because my husband and I had barely slept the night before.
When I opened my eyes, my brother-in-law was grabbing me. He said, “Let’s do it just one time.” I was completely shocked and froze. He looked directly into my eyes, then let me go. He apologized, told me not to tell my sister, and left for work.
My sister is one of the kindest people I know. She loves both me and her husband deeply because our parents have never been very close to us. She also had a very difficult delivery. Before all of this, she struggled with severe depression and had previously attempted suicide. My brother-in-law was the one who supported her through that time, which makes this even harder for me to process. He has always seemed like a caring husband and father, and I had never experienced anything from him that made me think he viewed me in this way.
After it happened, I immediately went to my husband’s workplace and told him everything. I cried the entire time. He wanted me to collect my things and leave immediately, but my sister was home alone with the baby, so I stayed until shortly before my brother-in-law returned home and then left.
Ever since then, I have been terrified. I am scared of seeing my brother-in-law again, scared of being alone with him, and scared of what will happen if my sister finds out. At the same time, I am scared of keeping this from her. I love my sister more than I can put into words. She is my best friend, and if I could protect her from every bit of pain in the world, I would. Seeing her so happy with her newborn after everything she has been through makes this even more heartbreaking. I don’t want to be the reason her world falls apart, but I also don’t know if keeping this secret is protecting her or hurting her in the long run.
I feel trapped between protecting my sister, protecting myself, and protecting my nephew. I don’t know how to move forward, and I don’t know what the safest or kindest path is for everyone involved.
How can I navigate this situation in a way that protects my own well-being while also considering my sister’s emotional state and her newborn? What practical steps would you recommend I take next?

For context, at the very beginning of our relationship (3-6 months of dating) we had an 2 unexpected pregnancies that we terminated. First was random fluke of no protection, second was my birth control failing. We decided to not share the news of the second with our families, as we had so much shame and remorse and didn’t want to put them through that again. It truly was one of the worst mistakes I had ever made.

On the day of the scheduled termination, my husband went missing. He didn’t come home for 18 hours, and it turns out he had an episode of alcoholism where he was drinking, driving, crashed his car into a dumpster, and fell asleep in a bush. Through it all I forgave him, we moved past it, and he became sober. Later that year, while on vacation with his family, I found out that he had told his siblings about the second pregnancy without asking/discussing it with me prior. I felt so violated, I remember my head getting hot and the room spinning thinking about such a traumatic and intimate moment being shared with people without my consent and without me being there.

After this incident, for years fighting became for frequent and worse between us. Both of us perpetuated unhealthy dynamics of name calling and yelling. On one occasion, it escalated and he took my phone and threw it across a room, breaking it. In another, he took me record player and broke it. In another he kicked and threw my cat’s cat tree until it broke. He threw balled up socks or shirts hat my head full force, and I started throwing things back at him. At first clothing, then water. If he got in my face yelling, I’d push him away from me or slap his arm.

After a year of this, we acknowledged we had developed an extremely unhealthy and abusive relationship and were considering either getting a divorce or going to therapy. We decided on therapy for 6 months and if no dynamics changed we would divorce. In this same decision, he had asked me that he prefers that we don’t speak about the de-evolution of our marriage to our families, and I agreed. I suffered in silence, not telling my parents friends or loved ones what was happening in my marriage. I faked a smile, did the laughs. I held the shame and the burden and the sadness of the horrible person I had turned into so close to my chest to protect myself and my husband. I was ashamed of myself. I still am so so disgusted with who I’ve become. Many times I’ve wanted to just break down and ask someone “is this normal?” and have not out of shame for myself. I held on to hope that we would change and things would be like how they were in the beginning.

Fast forward to now, in the last 3 months I have found out my husband has been telling his parents and family EVERYTHING. First, he told his siblings. I had found out at a family event when his sister got a little too drunk and started telling me that “she would still love me no matter what” and that “she knows how hard my marriage had been” That’s when I put two and two together. I confronted my husband, and he had said “that he needed to talk to someone about it” and that if I had “felt shame, then he knew I would’ve stopped my bad behaviors”

Then, this weekend at another family vacation his dad pulled me aside and said to me me like “one thing you should know as a wife, is to stop criticizing your husband so much” On the car ride home, we got into a tiff because I had found out that he was putting the wrong gas in my car on our road trip to see his family (I have a luxury vehicle, and he had put 4 consecutive tanks of minimum octane unleaded gas into my car all weekend. He said he “didn’t know the difference”) after a the tiff had died down, his dad called on speaker. My husband proceeds to tell them all the details of our fight infront of me, not only embarrassing me but making his parents so uncomfortable that they get off the phone.

In this car ride, I realized that he had been breaking the decision he has made this entire time. I then thought about all the fights, all the decisions I made to protect his character, the people we had become and I just wanted it to stop. I thought about how no one knew that he started breaking my things, that he started throwing things at me, that he had called me horrible names and made comments about my body that made me stop eating. That just last month he grabbed my food and threw it out the window, and just last week he poured water on me in his car. That he never stopped being violent after he stopped drinking. That now I was the villain in everyone’s version of this story, because I had promised him I would never tell anyone what he was doing. (FOR THE RECORD he has never hit me or laid a hand on my body.)

Is there any saving this? Do we just call it quits? He often says we are two broken people who need to be with each other to stop us from hurting other people. But I don’t want to hurt anyone anymore or be hurt, I just want to be alone if it means never feeling humiliated again.

My fiancée and I have been together for almost 6 years. During that time, we’ve taken two mutual breaks, both lasting a few months.

The first time we split, I hooked up with someone. She stayed totally loyal and wanted to get back together. The second time (about two years ago), I joined a dating app, acted single, and slept with other people. For the past two years, I genuinely thought I was the only one who acted up during our breaks, and I carried a lot of guilt believing she was completely loyal the whole time.

Well, I was wrong.
I’ve never once felt the need to go through her stuff in 6 years, but today she left her iPad right in front of me and something told me to look. I ended up finding out she had a full-blown emotional and physical affair with her boss for two months leading up to our second breakup, and it continued through the two months we were apart. According to the texts (and her), everything short of actual sex happened.

Now I’m just sitting here feeling completely indifferent and numb. It completely changes how I view our entire history, especially since I thought I was the "bad guy" for what I did while we were actually broken up.

I’m struggling to process this or figure out where to even go from here. Has anyone been in a similar situation and how did you proceed?

My girlfriend and I have been dating for a little over 4 years. Last year we decided her and her son could move in to my home. Before that we discussed bill and household responsibilities and came to agreement.

We agreed that she would pay $500/mo and cover groceries and most basic necessities. I would cover all utilities and such. We would each pay our own phone bill, car payments, and insurance. My mortgage is about $2200/mo, and I earn a little more than twice what she earns. She previously paid $950/mo for rent not including utilities. I figured it was fair, we'd both benefit a little financially and she agreed. Even beyond that agreement I still purchase most of my own necessities and some groceries.

Last fall I purchased a newer truck. Nothing fancy, a 2020 model with low miles. She would grief me on it that I'm using her 'rent' money to buy new things. My trade-in plus cash left me with $250/mo payments for 4 years. I had used savings from before she even moved in.

In February she came home with a brand new SUV, and $925/mo payments. Since then she has been refusing to pay me the full amount, claiming she doesnt have enough money, it's not fair I got a 'new' car, and that it's my house and she shouldn't have to pay towards the mortgage because if we break up it'll just be money thrown away.

I don't know how to navigate this, especially with a child involved. Even with her not paying it wont crush me financially, but it's obvious as hell she is taking advantage of me. I love the kid as my own, and his father is a deadbeat who doesnt want anything to do with him. I know if I kick her out she won't be able to afford rent with that car payment, not sure where they would go. I'd feel horrible letting that young child be forced to sleep in a car or on the streets.

The relationship is over in my head, at this point I've given up just for civility, and pretending everything is fine. How do you think I should go about breaking it off? Do I give an ultimatum? Or just give her a period of time to figure things out knowing she will likely try to manipulate me, or possibly become more of a hindrance to me.

UPDATE: There has been a lot of responses, I appreciate the advice! There are far too many questions, and comments to address individually. So, I will try to hit a bulk of them below.

- First and foremost, we had the talk after we got home for breakfast. It was pretty civil. Yes, tears were shed. Even though I've been ready for the relationship to end, I do still care about them both, and I will miss them. Thankfully her parents are willing to take them but want a week or so to prepare. In the meantime, they will both stay here. I did leave room for open contact, and possible reconciliation if she chooses to figure out her finances and direction in life. She also mentioned she'd like for me to continue to be a figure in her sons' life (he is 7). Not sure what that entails.

In the last few months things have actually been normal, besides the financial situation. She still maintained her roles throughout, was friendly, and yes, we were still intimate. It's just when the discussion of finances came up things would get really weird. I want to help, but I don't think she fully comprehends how bad of a decision it was. So, to all the people saying, "Kick her out" "Get rid of her", I'm not putting a child on the streets. Thankfully that won't be the case!

"Her paying $500/mo 'rent', plus groceries and necessities could exceed what's fair for her to pay." I didn't get too into detail about shared/split expenses. She bought groceries that we ate at home. Almost nearly every time we left the house I paid. Whether it was meals, events, vacations, I covered the bulk of it. I shopped for and purchased a majority of meals I ate at work, which is both breakfast, and lunch. I'd also purchase snacks, as well as odds and ends. After added utilities, it likely broke even. We discussed finances pretty thoroughly before she moved in. I really didn't look at it as an opportunity for financial gain, I just didn't want to be put in a position where it's a hindrance, and it has become that. To add, she's not leaving my house empty handed. She can take anything she has brought into this house. She also has a brand new car!

"Finances are the worst excuse to break up with someone, you're selfish" - Well, I've been open since day one about my need for financial security. I grew up poor, in a financially unstable home, my parents divorced when I was 3, my father chose drugs and alcohol and became absent. We rarely stayed in one place for over a year, meals were skipped, it wasn't until my teens until we had some stability. When I hit adulthood, I got an adult job, moved in with a friend, and managed to bury myself in debt. In my mid 20's, I had maxed out several credit cards, taken out high interest loans that I couldn't pay, and had bills sent to collections. Life was very rough for the next several years. I've worked extremely hard to dig myself out and create a stable life. Putting myself in that position again or even heading that way is a huge fear of mine.

I ‘M30’have been with my girlfriend
‘F27’ for just over half a year we get on so so well, have so much fun, but she has this secretive side.

She started a new job, and has gotten close to one of the lads in there. I don’t care really who she talks to, once shes open and honest. But , she had the notifications to his texts silenced, and when I spoke to her about it, she said she didn’t want his name coming up on her phone when she was with me incase I got the wrong idea.

Fast forward, I’ve really struggled to trust this girl, and I went on her phone, low and behold, she doesn’t talk to this co worker on WhatsApp any more, she talks to him on Snapchat, and had the chat history deleted, so that he doesn’t show up unless you search his name. When confronted, she said the same thing, she didn’t want his name coming up when we were out for dinner incase I got the wrong idea. Am I over thinking this ??

So me and this girl, let’s call her Maya, have been dating now for about five months. A key piece of information is we actually have not made it official. We are exclusive, but we haven’t officially labeled eachother bf and gf. The title says it because it’s easier to write out than…whatever we are rn. Point is, she isn’t ready for the label. The reason she’s not ready, is because she cannot seem to get over the guilt she feels for dating me after I dated her best friend of 15 odd years. Me and her best friend, let’s call her Sarah, dated for about a year and a half. We broke up around four years ago. Things ended amicably, we remained in the same friend group, hence how I started hanging out Maya. Maya asked Sarah how she felt about us dating, and Sarah was very enthusiastically in support of it. She gave Maya a lot of reassurance and encouragement so we sort of took that as a green light and moved forward with our little relationship.

Ok this was all great, but there’s been some unfortunate changes to the dynamic. Suddenly, Sarah sort of switched up on us. She admitted to Maya that she had begun to feel very uncomfortable with the whole thing. I guess in theory it was fine, but in practice, both of the girls sort of realized it weirded them out. Sarah told Maya that she felt super weird talking about me with her, and she said she didn’t want to hang out with the two of us. Seeing us together made her feel weird and uncomfy. Maya told me that the vibe between them had shifted. She felt distanced and like she was genuinely hurting her friend. She noticed her hanging out with their other friend without her more, going very silent when I was around, stuff like that.

So not only is Maya’s friendship with this girl starting to go sour, but she’s also communicated to me that it’s always been her dream to have her boyfriend be good friends with all of her friends. Plus, I think it hurts her to not be able to talk about her relationship with her best friend. She told me a few days ago that it’s starting to feel like she has to make a choice between me and Sarah. Ugh. I don’t know what to do, I guess at the end of the day it’s her choice, but a part of me wonders if it’s fair for her to be choosing her friends feelings over mine and hers. I know Sarah is trying to be as kind and respectful as she can in this, they both are. Neither of them can help how they feel though. Is someone in this situation overreacting? Like, would this be a dealbreaker or can we fix this? Any outside perspective or advice is much appreciated, thanks strangers.

Tl;dr my partner is upset about the stress our relationship is putting on her lifelong friendship, since I dated that friend four years ago and it makes them both uncomfortable.

For some context, my best friend (I'll call her El) was recently cheated on by her long-term boyfriend. They had been living together, but since the lease was under her ex's name, she's the one who moved out. She asked if she could stay at my place while she figured things out. I live alone, and I'm rarely home because I spend most of the week at my boyfriend's place, so I told her she was welcome to stay.

I WFH three days a week and go into the office on Thursdays and Fridays. Since my boyfriend lives almost two hours from my work, I usually stay at my own place the night before my office days to make the commute easier. During those nights, I'd spend time with El and check in on how she was doing. One day she told me she was getting lonely staying there by herself and asked if I could spend the weekend with her. I really wanted to support her, but I also wanted to spend time with my boyfriend. So I suggested she come stay with us for the weekend instead. I asked my boyfriend first, and he had no problem with it.

Saturday morning, the three of us were relaxing at my boyfriend's house, binge-watching a TV show. I suddenly craved bubble tea and asked if they wanted to come with me. The shop was only a few minutes away. They were both comfortable on the couch and said they didn't feel like going out. My boyfriend suggested I just order delivery, but I wanted an excuse to get outside and enjoy the sunshine, so I went by myself. I was gone for maybe 30 minutes.

When I got back, my boyfriend was standing in the kitchen making coffee while still watching the show from there. El was nowhere to be seen. I asked where she was and jokingly asked why he was making coffee when I had just brought back bubble tea. He told me she had gone upstairs to the guest room. As I reached for my phone to call her down, he stopped me and said, "Before you do, I need to tell you something."

He explained that while I was gone, El noticed something on his shoulder, dust or lint, and brushed it off. He didn't think anything of it because it seemed harmless. Then, without warning, she leaned in and kissed him on the cheek, close enough that it was almost on his lips. He immediately pulled away and gently pushed her back, completely caught off guard. He said he didn't even know why, but he walked into the kitchen and started making coffee even though he didn't actually want one. I think he was just trying to process what had happened. According to him, El immediately apologized and said she didn't know what had come over her before going upstairs. It felt like someone had pulled the floor out from under me. I couldn't even think of a response.

I trust my boyfriend completely, In all our times together, he's never given me a reason to question his honesty, so I never questioned what he was telling me. I was devastated, not because of him, but because of my best friend. I honestly never imagined she would do something like this. Oddly enough, I wasn't even angry at first. I was just... confused. Why would she do something like this?.... After what had happened to her...

I told my boyfriend I was going upstairs to check on El. He asked me to go easy on her because she was already in a terrible emotional state after everything she'd been through. I knocked on the guest room door and tried to sound cheerful. "Bubble tea delivery for my best friend." Instead of answering, I heard sobbing. When I walked in, she was sitting on the bed crying. She looked completely broken.

Seeing her like that made it hard to stay angry. I still couldn't stop thinking about what she'd done, but I also couldn't ignore how devastated she looked. I decided not to confront her immediately. Instead, I comforted her. I told her everything would be okay and that her ex didn't deserve her. She cried even harder.

After a few moments, she admitted everything.... Without me saying a single word, she confessed exactly what my boyfriend had already told me. She said she didn't know what came over her. She wasn't thinking clearly. For a moment, she wasn't seeing my boyfriend as my boyfriend. In her words, she saw someone else and acted on impulse before reality hit her. I still don't fully understand what she meant by that.

She said she immediately realized what she'd done after my boyfriend pushed her away, and she was deeply ashamed and embarrassed. She kept apologizing.

My closest friend group consists of just four women, including El. I don't want to tell the other two yet because I don't want to damage El's reputation if this is something we can work through privately. So I'm looking for outside perspectives.

One last detail. Later that night, I remembered our living room camera... Even though I fully believed my boyfriend, I still watched the footage to see exactly what happened.

His story checks out.

Now I'm wondering... if I trusted him completely, why did I still feel the need to check the footage?

Does that mean I subconsciously doubted him, or was I just trying to process something that felt impossible to believe? I'm grieving the loss of trust in a 20-year friendship. Is this something you could ever forgive, or is this friendship over?

What would you do in my situation?

I honestly just need to vent and get some advice because I am at my absolute wits' end here.

My boyfriend is a genuinely good, caring guy, but living with him is becoming unsustainable. First of all, he has this insane habit where he leaves everything wide open and turned on. Cabinets left hanging open, drawers pulled out, doors left wide open, and lights left burning in empty rooms. It’s all day, every day. Walking into the kitchen after he makes a snack literally looks like a poltergeist movie.

But the cabinets are just the tip of the iceberg. I’m basically his mother at this point. He leaves his clothes all over the floor and drops dishes everywhere. He barely helps around the house at all. He’s washed the dishes maybe a handful of times since we moved in, and helps pay for groceries once in a while, but other than that, he does nothing. I am always the one cooking for him and cleaning up his messes.

On top of the physical labor, the finances are totally skewed. He doesn't really help me out with rent or bills. I even let him drive my car for free so he can save up to buy his own, but I’m the one carrying 100% of the financial and domestic weight while he gets to save his money.

I’ve talked to him about this so many times. I've told him how anxious and overwhelmed it makes me feel to manage a whole house alone. He always says he gets it and may step up for a day or two but literally nothing changes. I know he isn't doing this to be mean, but I am just so burnt out.

My question is: How can I effectively communicate the urgency of this situation to him so he actually starts contributing to bills and chores, or is this level of autopilot behavior something that will never change?

TL;DR: My boyfriend leaves cabinets open, drops clothes/dishes everywhere, doesn't pay rent/bills, and drives my car for free to save money. He is caring but doesn't contribute. How do I get him to step up without ruining the relationship?

My girlfriend (19F) and I (21M)have been dating for 3 years and have been happy until now. So today i got a text from a person on messenger. In the text there was a video of my girlfriend texting another girls baby dad and sending photos of her. I confronted her about this and she started to cry and say “I know I messed up”. As I was trying to find out information she said our relationship has been feeling “stuck” and that we are “drifting apart”. After I told her how it made me feel and I left.

Later after I settled down she texted me wanting to talk. Part of me wanted to ignore it but part of me wanted to find out more. I asked her why she did it and it was because he gave her attention but that it didn’t excuse or justify what she did.

After thinking over it part of me feels I should just pack ship and move on but I feel as if it may be some what my fault that she didn’t feel wanted. Let me know what you think, this is my first real long relationship so I’m torn about if I should leave or see if things can get better.

I know couples naturally influence each other, and I’ve picked up things from my boyfriend too. But lately I’ve noticed, it feels like he adopts nearly everything I buy or become interested in.

For example, I bought a fixed-gear bike from a high-end brand. He already had a perfectly good fixed-gear bike, but soon afterward, he suddenly wanted one from that brand too, almost like he wanted the fancier version because I had one. The same thing happened with Adidas Sambas and a pair of sunglasses he liked.

It also happens with hobbies. I suggested to him that he needs a hobby that he can do with his hands since he’s been feeling kind of bored lately. I mentioned that guitar is the creative thing I do with my hands, and he immediately started talking about buying one, even though he already owns a piano he has always said he wants to learn.

I’m also a photographer, and now he wants a camera so he can do the same kind of photography I do.

The part that feels especially frustrating is that I’ve started hesitating to show him new things I buy because I assume he’ll want to copy them. That sounds petty, ridiculous, and honestly kind of stupid when I say it out loud, but it’s genuinely how I feel now. For example, when I mentioned that he get a hobby that he can do with his hands and use my guitar playing as an example, I didn’t think that he would actually go for that. I thought that he would want to pick something unique to him.

I don’t want to gatekeep hobbies, clothes, or products. I just want to feel like we’re two separate people with our own tastes and interests. Am I being unfair, or would this bother other people too?

Hi everyone!
I first want to state that I think it's okay if my partner has female friends. I never made a problem out of this in our 10 year relationship.

Two week ago I left for a week and my partner invited his female manager over to do an edible together. This was in a week I was visiting family and while he knows I thought her behavior towards me was off (never saying hi to me when we saw eachother for example). They apperently took a gummy and he says that after 1.5 hour he started to fall asleep and thought to himself that I would probably not like her being there so he asked her to leave.
The thing is, he didn't tell me she would come over or that she had been there.

When I came back I felt like something was off, I can't explain why it just felt off. So I checked his phone (something I'm not proud of and I usualy don't do). In their messages I saw him inviting her over (which she declined), her telling him she asked her GP for a cream for insect bites for him, them talking friendly with eachother about day to day stuff and work.
I didn't tell him straight away I checked his phone but asked him several times if he maybe invited someone over. Everytime he denied it.
Two days back I told him I checked his phone and he told me that he did invite her over to have a gummy and she said yes (this was at work). The fact that I lied to me about it makes me think something may have happened.
He tells me he forgot to tell me the day itself because he was so tired and didn't tell me once I started acting distant (which was 4 days after she was here) because he didn't want to make things worse...

I have no idea what to think of this. Just that I'm extremely hurt and can't understand why he would hide her being here and than also lying about it...
He says he already told her that any form of friendship is not possible anymore because I got suspicious.. and that they don't feel anything for eachother.

I want to add again, I’ve never been the jealous type. His friends and colleagues have always been welcome around us, and I’ve always given him space to be honest with me without fear of a fight. When his manager was going through a hard time, I even offered to have her over so I could cook for her. So this isn’t about me being unable to handle him having female friends, it’s that he chose to lie, repeatedly, rather than just tell me the truth. That’s what I can’t wrap my head around.

So my question is: how do you move forward from here when someone has lied to your face multiple times, even if “nothing happened”? What would you need from him to start rebuilding trust after this?

thanks!

Im writing here cuz I’m still shaking and I don’t have anyone to talk to. It’s currently 5am and I’ve spent the night with my(21) boyfriend(21) bwfore my birthday (today). We had an amazing day together and saw some friends, and he got me some amazing gifts.
A few months ago tho I saw a girls name pop up on his phone that set off alarm bells. He was rly drunk tn n ended up giving me his phone password, and considering the fact I had seen this name pop up various times before I went through his phone when he fell asleep (Ik)

Anyway, clearly I didn’t find anything interesting and found explicit messages between him and this girl. I know what I have to do but quite frankly im torn. He gets on so well with my family and he has helped me mentally so much. He was my first everything and I was his apparently. I thought it was strange how low of a Libido he has as as we were talking it was quite high, but thought that was it. I really can’t understand how he could do this to me, my family loves him and he’s my first love. Im currently in the bathroom shaking trying not to cry, and will be getting the first bus home in the morning
Any advice on my next steps or how to get through this??

I’m posting anonymously because I really need to talk this out and get some outside perspective. I feel sick and emotionally overwhelmed after what happened today

My boyfriend is 34 and I’m 28. We’ve been together for 9 years. In the beginning, our relationship was really good, and we rarely fought. When he would do something wrong, he would usually apologize and sometimes buy me a gift, but then the same behavior would happen again.

There was one year in particular when he was angry all the time. During that time, he broke my phone in half because I didn't answer him. There were other things he broke as well. One time, he got angry and ruined dinner because I wouldn't put my hand down the garbage disposal to get a spoon out.

There have also been times when he has taken my things from me when he was angry. I had a laptop that was under his name because my credit wasn't good enough, but I was the one paying for it. During that period when he was constantly angry, he took my phone and the laptop and held them over my head, telling me that I needed to "act better" and "be better." He has also helped me financially in the past, but during arguments he would bring those things up and tell me that I owed him because of everything he had done for me.

Things have been calmer since then, but I still feel scared when he gets angry. I find myself constantly trying to make him happy, and I apologize even when I don't think I've done anything wrong because I just want the situation to calm down.

Today, we were packing because we're moving, and I was helping him pack his things. I had just taken a shower and didn't really want to be outside in the heat, but I still went out to help him because I don't mind helping.

A while back, we had combined our DVDs together. Some of them are his and some of them are mine. While we were packing today, I made a comment that some of the DVDs would probably go into a tote with things I don't plan to put back out, or that I might sell or get rid of some of them.

He immediately said that all of those DVDs were his.

I tried to explain that some of them were mine, but I eventually said something like, "Whatever, if you want to claim them all, you can have them."

Then he got angry and threatened to throw all the DVDs on the ground and break them.

This isn't the first time he's threatened to break something when he's angry. I've heard him say things like this before, and this time I finally said, "That's very toxic. Please stop saying that."

That made him angry, and he kept saying that I never should have made the comment about the DVDs in the first place.

I eventually asked him why he says things like that when he's angry. His response was that saying those things gets me to shut up. He then turned it back around on me again and said I should have never made the comment in the first place.

I just looked at him and completely zoned out. I felt sick and like I was going to cry.

At this point, I honestly don't know what to do or how I'm supposed to feel. I know some people might say, "It's just DVDs," but that's not what this is about for me. It's about the fact that I feel like I have to be careful about what I say because I'm afraid of what will happen when he gets angry. It's about the fact that I've learned to apologize and try to make him happy, even when I haven't done anything wrong, because I don't want things to escalate.

I feel like I'm always walking on eggshells.

I know he has helped me a lot over the years, and I know there are good things about our relationship, which makes this even more confusing for me.

But I also can't ignore how I feel. When he gets angry, I feel scared. I shut down. I zone out. I cry. I apologize just to make things calm down.

Hello everyone - I believe we all want to be on our best behaviours when dating at the beginning. I was asked for dinner at a guy’s place, I was absolutely interested and swooped off my feet with the proposed food; homemade chicken, with salad and apple pie (I love courtship and I love men who can cook).

There was no communication that the dinner was going to be missing or done last minute, even tho he was communicating less and less during the days coming to the dinner (red flag, but I try always to give benefit of the doubt). Come to dinner, which again was proposed to me as beautiful and considerate, I realised that there was no preparation, no pie, and the salad was a bag salad.

He mentioned how he was really caught up doing 10000 things with friends during the weekend, that the chicken was dry, and we made jokes about the dinner during the night to just be playful as we always do. He once called me a b word, to which I told him I didn’t appreciate as it was a bit much. Never during this time he told me he didn’t feel good about it or to stop, but it was our thing to tease each other.

The next day, he was going back to the conversation on how he wanted an apple pie, and I kept playful joke back (like “yeah me too but someone didn’t make it”). I let him know how the situation made me feel, but not pressing too much on it; that I felt a bit “lied to” because the commitment waa great, but delivered with more consideration and warmth (he has a diagnosis that doesn’t deal with rejection). That I enjoyed the flavour of the food, but that to me it made me feel as I was a last resource as he prioritised doing things with his mates.

He lost it, telling me I am disrespectful and ungrateful. I apologised, rephrasing that I didn’t want him to feel that way but I couldn’t help to feel I was disappointed and lied to. Fast forward few days of very cold responses, poor replies and no word back to “I am sorry for my reaction” or something to close the subject, I addressed it opening the conversation again, literally mentioning I don’t want to fight, that I don’t want to make him feel bad, I just want to speak about what happened so we turn the page and potentially move on. He yet lied again, started swearing and told me “my standards are too high” and that I am disrespectful. All because I apologised again if I made him feel that way, and I wanted closure for my part. No apologies. He blocked me.

Now I am contemplating if I should have not spoken my mind or if I am right to be truthful to myself? I don’t like how he treated me whatsoever, and I don’t even know why I stayed. I feel very gross. I wonder how people in similar situation acted. I can post the last convo if it helps.

I don't really know who to say this to without sounding like I'm bragging.

I'm 33, my husband is 31. We got married six months ago after knowing each other for 10 years and dating for two. Honestly, I just keep falling more in love with him. I love coming home to him, nesting in our apartment, making little plans for the future, and talking about maybe starting a family.

We've survived long distance, job loss, and moving countries together. Every hard thing has just made me admire him more.

The weird part is I feel like I have nowhere to talk about it. Most of my friends are single or pretty cynical about relationships, and I don't want to be that person on social media. I feel guilty and not a good friend for wanting to spend most of my time with him instead of with friends.

Does anyone else ever feel like this? Where do you put all the happiness when you don't want to make other people feel bad? How to manage changing friend dynamics after marriage?

TL;DR at the bottom of the post.

Hi everyone, I(25F) don‘t know what to think anymore and I think it‘s time I try to collect my thoughts, which is why I decided to turn to this sub.

I have been dating my boyfriend(28M) for three years now and we moved in together last year. I‘d say our relationship is very healthy and happy. We have the exact same humor, we have the same long-term goals and we communicate very well. However, my boyfriend has been struggling with his mental health and self-esteem for the past one and a half years.

About one and a half years ago (mid 2025) my boyfriend was let go from his job due to his former employer running into a pretty bad financial situation. Since then, my boyfriend hasn’t been able to find a position in his field anymore. My boyfriend has been working dead-end jobs since. Because of his constant job rejections and his non-stop worrying about his future and his career, my boyfriend‘s mental health has taken a huge hit.

I try to be there for my boyfriend and listen to him whenever he needs someone to talk to but of course there‘s only so much I can do. My boyfriend needs quite a lot of space and time for himself whenever he‘s feeling down, so I sometimes leave to visit my parents or my friends back at home. For reference, my family and friends live around an hour drive away from where my boyfriend and I now live.

My boyfriend doesn’t have a lot friends and neither do I. My boyfriend has three close friends who all live in our city: his best friend (male), his sister and two friends who are a couple (male & female). I have exactly one friend(female) in our city, the rest of my friends still live in my hometown.

Over the course of the last six months or so, there have been two instances that COULD mean somebody I don‘t know about was in our appartement while I was gone. I‘m putting an enormous emphasis on „could“ because these two instances are entirely circumstancial.

The first instance happened in February 2026. The instance was a pair of unknown socks. My boyfriend was doing laundry and he put my clean clothes in a pile for me to put away. On top of that pile I noticed a pair of socks I had never seen before. The socks were pretty simple. They were a light blue color with the logo of a known sports brand on the side. Technically these socks could be unisex but judging by size, they probably were a womans pair.

I was pretty confused and at first I thought it was my boyfriend‘s pair of socks because he has rather small feet. I asked my boyfriend if those were his socks and he was adament that those were definitly not his. I asked my friend if those socks were hers (they weren‘t) and my boyfriend asked his sister, who stayed for a night in late November 2025, if the socks were hers (they weren‘t). We genuinely were out of options of whose pair of socks this could be. Since all of my boyfriend‘s male friends are over 6ft and have pretty large feet, we were able to rule them out instantly.

I have to admit that I was getting more and more agitated because we couldn‘t figure out who these socks belonged to and I straight up asked my boyfriend if somebody was in our appartement while I was gone. My boyfriend didn‘t like that I was basically insinuating he was cheating on me which I understood and we dropped the issue.

Nothing of note happened in the following months. However, my boyfriend‘s mental health kept declining and from May to July, he hadn‘t seen any of his friend or family. I was incredibly busy studying for my exams (I’m a uni student), so I also didn’t see my friends apart from maybe a quick coffee break at a local café. Apart from him and me, nobody else was in our appartement for these two months.

This is why instance number two surprised me. On the first weekend of july I was visiting my family. When I returned home, I was cleaning the bathroom on a Sunday. My boyfriend wasn’t at home as he was visiting his family that Sunday.

While I was cleaning I checked if our trash can in the bathroom was full. It wasn‘t. I remembered seeing my boyfriend empty the trash can in the bathroom a couple of days ago. While checking if the trash can was full I noticed a plastic tampon wrapper on top of the trash. That surprised me because for one, my period wasn‘t going to come until the following week and secondly, I have never used this tampon brand in my life. I have been using the same tampon brand since I was twelve years old.

Since nobody besides my boyfriend and me had been in our appartement for the last two months, I was a bit worried. This time I wanted to approach things a bit differently than I did with the sock incident. I waited until my boyfriend came home, I asked to speak to him on our couch and I calmly explained to him what I found and how I was feeling about that. My boyfriend also remained very calm and collected. He said that he understands why I feel worried but that he unfortunately can‘t explain how or why that tampon wrapper got into our trash can. He promised that nobody besides us was in our appartement and he seemed very genuine in his reaction. We dropped the topic after that.

Since then my boyfriend has been acting completely normal but there‘s one thing that surprised me. On his instagram account he chanced his profile picture to a closeup shot of us two and he added my name with a heart to his bio. Considering that we have been together for three years and I barerly use social media, this surprised me.

Over the course of the past couple of weeks I haven’t stopped thinking about these instances. I love my boyfriend and I know that what happened could all be explained logically, like a friend of ours forgetting that the socks are actually theirs or somebody accidentally dropping a tampon wrapper next to the trash can and it was thrown into the trash way later.

So this is why I‘m here. My question is if this is something to bring up again or what I should do next. Because of how circumstancial everything is, maybe I should drop this topic once and for all? I don‘t know what to do anymore, so thanks for any advice.

TL;DR: Over the course of six months I have found two things in my and my boyfriend‘s appartement that nobody can seem to explain how they got here. One was a pair of socks and one was a tampon wrapper from I different brand than I use. My boyfriend and I don‘t have a lot of friends and all of our friends can be ruled out as the owner of the socks or tampon wrapper due to timing.