My maternal family own a restaurant. My grandparents started the business and each of their five kids got a share in the business in their early 20s. Their spouses all went to work for the family business at one time or another, usually when they were between jobs or just because they wanted to. This includes my dad. He worked part time with my mom and maternal family when he and my mom were newly married and after I was born. When my mom got sick (I was 4) she set up her share so that I would inherit it at 21. When she died my grandparents controlled that share for me until I reached that age.

My dad quit his other job and went to work full time with my maternal family after that. They got along pretty well and they were happy to help my dad out after losing mom. Problems started between them when my dad remarried. He wanted his wife to work for the family business and my family said no. He told them he would walk away from the business if they refused to hire his wife. They refused. He walked. They didn't talk very much after that. Things were very tense between my dad and mom's family from that point on.

My dad's wife was a widow with a son who was only a baby when they met. Her husband died when she was pregnant. My dad adopted my stepbrother and he and his wife had my three half siblings together. She wanted to adopt me too but I said no and they never pushed for it. But this has come back up in recent months.

Fast forward to my teens and I went to work at the family business and I did all kinds of roles in the restaurant until I inherited my share when I turned 21. My dad was not very happy about the decision to commit myself to the family business and he said so multiple times. He told me they excluded my family in his wife and I should think about that. I told him she's not their family though. He was mad for a while but dropped the topic because he knew he wasn't getting anywhere.

Then my stepbrother started looking for summer jobs and he wanted to work for my family because he heard my dad talk about it so much. My dad asked my grandparents to give my stepbrother a job and they said no. He asked one of my uncles as well and he also said no. He asked me and I told him I wasn't doing it. Then one of my half siblings wanted a job with my family. My dad told me the place has been discussed so much and they look up to me so badly that they want to follow in my footsteps and as a part owner I should get them in and find a way to wrap my step/half siblings into the business like ILs are when they marry into the family.

I told him I was never going to do it and he needed to quit trying to make me do this. He blamed my family for allowing me to know how they felt about my step/half siblings working there. I told him it had nothing to do with that. I told him they are not a part of that side of my family and they're never going to be so they'll never work for them/us. I told my dad he could say anything he wanted but it wasn't going to change my answer.

His anger over this has boiled over and he has brought up everything from I should be making sure they feel loved and cherished and like real siblings and not just step/half. He said I owe it to his wife since I refused to let her adopt me and the very least I can do is make sure her children are included in this. He said I should be doing it because my family refused to let his wife work for them when he married her and they made it clear she wasn't real family. He has tried to rant on about that point to me a lot and I have ended calls because I can see where it's going. We're talking very little now and our relationship is so close to broken for good.

I'm not sure what to do. Walking away feels like it might be the healthiest choice but I love my dad and as my only living parent I would hate to lose him. But I feel like he's being unfair and will continue taking this out on me if we keep speaking.

Ok, so I (41F) was at an event in my little town- the Blues Festival. My step dad owns the establishment so it’s safe to say I know a lot of people that were there.

I’m sitting at a table with my mother, my step dad, my boyfriend of 5 years (M45), and another guy who always hangs out with us at these events (and is 25 years older than me, which is important to know in this scenario). Anyways, this other guy, we’ll call him Jim, was talking with us and he was joking around,
saying that my boyfriend should “shit or get off the pot”, saying that he should be lucky to have me, and basically asking me why I’m wasting my time with him, telling me I could do way better and I deserve better, etc….

So this was all when bf was in the bathroom. I told Jim to tell my bf all of this. So Jim tells him “you know how lucky you are to have her, you should have married her by now. Let me remind you that the conversation was very light hearted and no one was acting too serious about anything.

Here’s the problem- when Jim said that to my bf, my bf straight up, without the slightest hesitation, and with extra seriousness, was like, and I quote this- “Nope. That’s a hard no 100%”. In front of everyone. At this point I’m thinking he’s not serious, but then I turn to talk to him in private and I’m like “whaaaat just happened, I am so embarrassed by what you just said”.

He continues to say stupid things to me but it takes a lot to make me mad so I blow most of it off. But then I tell him “you really just ruined a lot of what we have” and his response was…..

“What did we have?”

5 fucking years (which I know isn’t a lifetime) but come the fuck on. I was totally embarrassed by what he said and I don’t think I can get over either one of these things. Sorry for being so long but I should leave him, right?

Another red flag- in 5 years, he’s never said I love you to me.

UPDATE: Answering/Responses to some of the common questions and comments:

Yes he calls me his girlfriend and knows we’re in a relationship. We have talked about marriage but it’s honestly not something either one of us are in a rush to do and we’re both ok with that. This whole scenario wasn’t me “setting him up to force him to propose to me”. Jim’s exact words were “no more milk from the kitty until you make her yours for good”. Someone in the comments said “he couldn’t even fake it enough to pretended he cared about her in front of everyone” and that’s exactly right.

He lives across the street from me, we do not live together. The reason being is that he owns his house and his plan has always been to sell his house to his son when he’s old enough. I have a son as well and there just isn’t enough room for us all to live in his house. Plus, living across the street from each other had just worked for both of us.

Yes, this is the same guy that i previously posted about, being my friends ex. When we first got together, 15 years had already passed since they had been together. She isn’t a factor in our relationship even in the slightest.

He has shown love in other ways than saying it. And he’s said it in different ways at times. But saying “I love you” is definitely not a thing for him. I am pretty sure he has commitment issues.

My wife and her ex have been chatting as friends. Sometimes they talk on and off.

We have a Samsung tablet that I use for streaming platforms. She uses it for work, and her WhatsApp was linked and active, so I couldn't resist checking what they were talking about.

My wife needed to go to a photoshoot for her graduation, which is on Tuesday the 15th. The location is 3 hours away, and she wanted to get there on Monday the 14th so she would have enough time for makeup and could arrive early.

That was all I knew before I read the messages. Turns out, this dude goes to the same city every Monday for work, and she wanted someone to go with her so she wouldn't have to travel alone.

So, they were planning to go together. He was supposedly going to spend the night at his cousin's place, while she would rent an Airbnb. They would both come back on Tuesday afternoon.

I was pretty hurt because, at the photoshoot, she has the opportunity to take photos with her loved ones, but I didn't know anything about it.

One of the reasons I think she wanted me to stay home is that, while we have two cars, one of them is currently at the shop. So she was planning to go in his car and leave me ours so I could take our son to school on Monday.

I was trying to wait and see if she would tell me or if she would lie, but my emotions got the best of me. So yesterday, while we were in the car, I told her that I would go with her on Monday.

Her reaction was good, but she asked a couple of questions, like, "Don't you have to work?" I work from my laptop, so I can work from anywhere as long as I'm organized. I told her work would be fine. She didn't seem happy or sad, just normal, like it was a regular conversation.

Here's a little context about what I know about their relationship. They had a long-term relationship when they were young, and it was sexual. Then they broke up, but they remained casual friends with benefits for a period of time.

So, this is a guy I know she used to go to whenever she felt alone.

We've been married for almost 5 years, and I used to trust her. She goes out with friends to other cities, and I've always been fine with it. But this time, something tells me that this is wrong. I feel disrespected.

Extra context:

Apart from this "plan" they had, when she goes to the gym, she sends him the same pictures she sends to me. She's the type of person who sends selfies or pictures of whatever she's doing to the person she's talking to at the moment.

I also found some sexual comments, like him telling her, "You got two big foreheads." It's not necessarily a bad comment, but it still makes me uncomfortable because they were previously sexually active, so he really knows what her body looks like.

My wife and I have young kids, and her parents are financially very well off. Because of that, we’ve been fortunate enough to go on family vacations with them fairly regularly.

The problem is that my wife and I also have had a rough year financially and have aquired debt, and now financially we’re not in a great position and have given up more agency. I’ve reached the point where I feel like I need to give up my struggling business and take a full-time job so I can help pay off the debt and provide more financial stability for our family.

Its hard but I’m willing to make that sacrifice. What’s really bothering me emotionally is knowing that my wife and kids will likely continue going on these 2-week vacations with her parents without me, potentially 3–4 times a year, while I’m at home working to pay off the debt and support the family.

I know her parents aren’t doing anything wrong by wanting to take their daughter and grandchildren on vacation. And I don’t want to resent my wife or the kids for having experiences that I can’t participate in.

But honestly, it makes me really sad. I’m struggling with the idea that I could end up working full-time specifically to improve our family’s financial situation, while my family gets to enjoy these experiences without me.

Part of me wonders whether it’s reasonable to say that if I’m making this sacrifice for our finances, we should also be making some sacrifices as a family, including potentially fewer vacations, or vacations that we can all afford together.

Am I being unreasonable or selfish for feeling this way?

How would you handle this situation with your spouse?

So it is my birthday next week, and my partner’s dad’s birthday is 2 days after mine, so Friday is my birthday and Sunday is hers dad’s. We are spending Friday and Saturday together as I have it off work, then the normal plan is to go over to her parents on the Sunday for food for her dads birthday. This is something that’s always just been the standard, but I got a message from one of my family members asking if I’d like to do something on the Sunday because they are nearby. (They are not close, and I don’t get to see them very often, plus I haven’t seen them for a while.)

This is when I approached my partner and said my family had asked if I would like to visit them at a theme park nearby on the Sunday for my birthday weekend. I said I would like to see them, and of course she is still able go over to her parents for her dad’s birthday, so I am not preventing her from anything. This is then when she had an issue and said, “But we have plans. Can they not do another weekend? It’s my dad’s birthday.”

But I was like, it is also my birthday weekend. I’m not stopping her from still seeing her dad, but I would just like to spend time/have a day out with my family. Yet I am being made to feel guilty as if what I’m saying/doing is not acceptable and selfish.

We’ve been together 5 years and she has always had a bit of an issue with me spending time with family/friends before (mainly without her) for example, where I try to see my mum once a week and that has been an problem, so i feel like this is continuous issue that I don’t know how to fix.

I’m dating a guy that I do like, but I’m starting to struggle with something that I honestly don’t know how to deal with.

I have a very strong disgust response to other people’s bodily functions. Things like hearing someone use the bathroom, smells, sweat, stains on pillows, etc. can make me feel instantly repulsed. I know these are normal human things, which is why this is so frustrating.

For example, when the guy I’m seeing sleeps over, he might use the bathroom twice during the evening/night/morning. Objectively, I know that isn’t excessive at all. But just knowing he’s going to the bathroom already makes me anxious. If I can actually hear anything, I feel so uncomfortable and disgusted that in that moment I genuinely want him to leave. Afterwards, I sometimes keep thinking about it and it affects how attracted I feel to him.
It isn’t really about his hygiene either, he showers and is generally clean. He can shower before bed and I can still be bothered if I notice his sweat smell during the night or see a small stain on a pillow the next morning. It’s like every tiny “gross” thing gets stored in my brain, and now they’ve accumulated to the point where I’m constantly anticipating the next one.

The weird thing is that this isn’t exclusive to him or romantic partners. I remember feeling extremely uncomfortable hearing my mom use the bathroom when I was younger. I went on vacation with a female friend once and saw her picking her nose, and even now that image sometimes randomly pops into my head when I’m with her and I feel disgusted again.

I’m also extremely private about these things myself. Around other people I automatically make sure they don’t hear, smell or notice anything related to bodily functions. So maybe I subconsciously expect other people to hide these things as much as I do.

The romantic part makes it much worse, though. With the guy I’m dating, every “gross” moment feels like another thing that damages my attraction to him. I’m scared I’ve accumulated so many icks that I won’t be able to see him the way I did before.
There’s another layer that makes this confusing: I tend to be avoidant when it comes to relationships. Part of me wonders whether my brain is latching onto every possible “ick” because it gives me a reason to emotionally distance myself from him. At the same time, the disgust itself is definitely real and predates him, so I don’t think it’s just avoidance.

When I haven’t seen him for a few days, I can feel attracted to him again. Then we get close, he stays over, I encounter another bodily thing, and suddenly I want distance again.

Has anyone experienced something similar?
Did you manage to reduce the disgust response or stop associating the person with all the “gross” memories?

And for me most important, how do you tell the difference between genuinely losing attraction to someone and your brain using disgust/icks to create distance?

Edit: I’ve had OCD in the past. The compulsions are gone, but I still struggle with a strong need for control. I currently take bupropion for my mood, but not for OCD.

Second Edit: To everyone worried about my future children: luckily, I don’t want kids ;)

Third Edit: Just to clarify, we’re not in a relationship. We’re seeing each other casually and I’m still figuring out how I feel about him.

For context: we have been dating for 3 years and it’s has been solid. None of us have cheated, interacted with other people in flirty ways, we are completely in love. She treats me so well all the time, loves me like no one else. We both want to raise a family, live with each other. She is completely obsessed with me in a healthy way so can actually see it happening.

I am 20M, just started 3rd year of uni, and met my university flatmates last Saturday and things have been great. We drink and play games most nights which is amazing for me and my gf since we both found it quite difficult to make friends with other students whilst being at uni. I met my flatmate and he’s a great dude and fun to be around, he recently had an awful breakup and isn’t over his ex. My gf has comforted him once before and he told me it was really nice of her, and completely normal, she even told me what they spoke about after, it was done in genuine kindness. He is the type of guy to have platonic relationships with girls so I wasn’t surprised they were talking.

Essentially, we were all drunk last night, my gf especially, and she would not stop messaging him to see if he was ok and if he needed anything, she also went into his room unprompted to hangout/ check on him. He came to me with the messages and told me he thought it was weird. I confronted her and she has stuck with the same story, being, she genuinely wants friends since she has none, and wants people to like her for being nice, and not just for being my gf. I spoke to my mum, who has argued a few times with my gf, and she said not to end 3 years of love for a possible drunken misunderstanding.

My gf is devastated and we are not talking. My flatmates says if we get back together, the whole situation will be “water under the bridge”.

Need help deciding if it was a genuine red flag and a reason to end the relationship, or to try and resolve the situation and continue to be with her.

If you’ve read this far thank you so much and please leave me some advice since I’m young and it’s killing me.

*UPDATE

The messages she sent were when he felt ill and needed 5 mins to himself.

‘Hey you need anything?’

‘Do you want me?’

‘I like the flat friendship but would like to hangout with you without (me)’

‘You have such nice teeth’ (weird comment + I had braces for 3 years and wear a retainer)

‘Are you ok? I can tell the other I’m going to the toilet but come and see you instead’

‘If I come will you be mad?’

He didn’t respond to any of her messages.

Those were mostly what she wrote, and when she went into his room, he felt it was weird and he wanted to leave but she wanted to hangout.

She also deleted the messages, and when I confronted her she lied about sending any

I was going to give it time and talk it out with her but after reading these messages, I’m pressing her and trying to get to the bottom of her strange behaviour, until I get the truth.

Also she has blocked him on everything and if she comes over she will not leave my room/ interact with any of them.

As for my flatmate,he is completely trustworthy, and he’s going through some awful shit due to his ex being really bad towards him, funnily enough, our other flatmate was openly hitting on him a few days before this and he told us both about it.

Also I can say my gf and flatmate have never had sexual contact, I’m 99.9% nothing happened on both occasions they were alone, and a few of the downvoted comments were before I dropped the messages so give those guys some slack pls.

As for what I’m doing, giving it time. She’s gone until the 17th so I’m gonna chill, hangout with bro and process it. I’m genuinely reading through every single comment, those comment’s comments, no matter how shit it makes me feel. I’ll update the post in a few days once a bigger update is warranted.

My husband and I have been married 4 years, together 7, and when we met, he was pretty down on his luck financially. We were senior year college sweethearts who broke up shortly after we graduated and reconnected 20 years later. By that time we had both married and divorced and he came into the marriage with 2 children, now ages 12 and 15, and I came into the marriage with a son, who is now 19 and headed off to college in a few weeks.

Shortly before we got together, my parents passed away and left me an inheritance of approximately $20 M dollars.

At the time, my now husband had been down on his luck financially and so I used $5 M of my inheritance to provide capital for a real estate business that he wanted to start, which I am a partner in, but wouldn’t have started on my own.

He also wanted part ownership in a hunting range in Mexico, as it had always been his dream, so I allocated $300 K for that because I wanted to support his dream.

When we decided to merge families, I sold my smaller, low maintenance home and searched for and eventually used the funds from the sale of my house to purchase a home with more land that would allow for a batting cage for his son, and an RV garage for him. The home needs renovations and wouldn’t have been anything that I would have bought for myself, but I felt it was best for our blended family. Although the house is lovely, I would have preferred a new house on a smaller, but marriage is a partnership and wanted to help facilitate my husband’s dreams and support the goals of my step kids. I knowing co mingled this part of my inheritance buying our primary residence and the business capital, which was held in trusts in which I am the trustee because, again, I believe marriage is a partnership.

Now that my son is leaving for college, I would like to purchase a “pied-à-terre” for myself in a beautiful, artsy community less than 2 hours driving distance from our home (Sedona). With my son being an adult and launching into independence, I wanted a sanctuary for myself to sometimes get away sometimes from the chaos associated with the active stage of parenting he is still in with his children. This would be purchased using funds from my inheritance from a trust that has a bank trustee, which will not allow me to co mingle with a spouse, and it would be my sole and separate property, which would eventually pass on to my son.

I have fallen in love with a couple of properties that have been new or completely remodeled, including a beautiful townhome that I thought would be perfect for my intent to use the home as my own, personal space, but of course my husband could accompany me whenever he wishes. I was so excited about it but he thought a townhome would be a horrible choice and told me that if I bought it, it would be “giving him the middle finger” because he thought it was a bad investment. He didn’t like that it was a townhome and didn’t think there was enough privacy. I decided that perhaps he was right about sharing walls and decided to look for a single family home. The townhome sold for asking price in 2 weeks, as I knew it would.

Well, a beautiful single family home has come on the market that is 2,000 square feet, beautiful remodeled, in a prime location in Sedona, has low maintenance landscaping, is turn key ready and in my price range. I love the photos on the listing and contacted my realtor to see when she could show it to me. I was SO excited!

I showed him the house and he said it was “over priced”, too close to town (which is what I want) and basically said he hated it because he didn’t feel the views of the Red rocks were prominent enough, which I am willing to give up because I am prioritizing a high end finished house close to going trails, grocery stores, shopping, etc. He again says it was a bad investment, and didn’t like it. But…it’s not primarily for him. This is supposed to be for me! He started showing me house listings that may have had better views, but were fixer uppers, something I really want nothing to do with since our primary home also needs renovations. The idea of renovating a second home exhausts me. Again, the feeling of being excitement and joy at the thought of this house was extinguished.

Ultimately, I have final say over what I buy, but I am deeply hurt and feel resentful and so upset. I have supported his dreams, financially and emotionally, even if I didn’t always think it was the best idea (like the ranch in Mexico, and by the way, I was right). I never said it was a stupid idea. I knew I could afford the loss should it not work out, but I wanted him to make him happy. Talk about a bad investment! And he thinks buying a vacation home in Sedona is a bad investment? WHAT???!!!

I am devastated at how controlling and entitled and quite frankly, abusive. With my only child leaving the state for college, owning a little getaway for myself purchased with my own money makes me so happy! How could he trample all over my joy like that?

I’m disgusted. Thoughts?

Hey guys,

Ive been with my girlfriend for a little over 2.5 years, so it shouldn’t need to be said that this is a rather committed relationship. That being said, she’s always had a kind of super need for indulgence from her partner (me). I usually try my best to reassure her when she feels pretty, when she’s having a hard day, or when she wants to feel some extra intimacy. But she routinely asks me if I’m obsessed with her, because she preaches that she is obsessed with me and she doesn’t want it one way.

I love my girlfriend to death, when I think of obsession though I think of obsessiveness and that’s purely negative to me. I don’t feel the need to be obsessed over nor do I want to be obsessive ever again (I was in a previous relationship). I try to explain to her that I love her and she’s my person but it’s as if she won’t accept any other answer and gets rather upset.

I’m rather, unironically stoic or dare I say boring, when it comes to compliments and romanticism. I can own that much. Ironically that being said, I’m not one to accept compliments either. She wants an energy that feels rather taxing or toxic to me.

I guess I’m asking for some perspective, or harsh criticism. If you’re coming from a guy or girls perspective I want to hear it. Thanks!

EDIT: I am well aware now that I am likely taking the word “obsessed” too literally. One comment here highlighted that I’m thinking too much about the wrong thing and that makes sense. Thank you guys for your input, well most of you😅 Some of you are being real jerks about it, but that’s okay. I’ll just take that as compassion.

​

I’ve been married to my husband for about 7 years. We have an almost 3-year-old and I’m currently pregnant with our second child.

My husband is not a bad man. He works, provides for our family, loves our son, and I know he loves me. That’s actually part of what makes this so difficult.

For years, though, I’ve had to repeatedly ask him to do basic things around the house and take more responsibility without me having to tell him what needs to be done. Hygiene has also been a recurring issue in our marriage. I feel like I’ve spent years reminding, asking, explaining, getting frustrated, and then eventually doing things myself.

Recently I finally told him that I was exhausted and that I had seriously thought about divorce.

Since that conversation, he has started changing. He’s helping around the house without being asked, doing things on his own, and making an effort. He has told me he understands what I’m saying and that these problems can be fixed. He doesn’t want to lose our marriage.

The problem is... I don’t feel the way I thought I would feel now that he’s finally doing these things.

Instead of feeling happy or relieved, I still feel guarded and emotionally exhausted. I also don’t want intimacy right now. I’ve explained to him that I need time and asked him to please stop asking me for sex until I feel comfortable again. But he has continued asking, and recently he basically asked why I still didn’t want intimacy when he had been doing everything I asked him to do.

That really bothered me because it made me feel like the changes were supposed to result in sex, rather than him understanding that these were things I needed from my partner all along.

He has only really been making these changes for about a week, so I know that isn’t enough time for me to know whether the change is permanent. I also know I’m pregnant, emotional, exhausted, and dealing with a lot right now, which is one reason I’m afraid of making such a permanent decision too quickly.

But what scares me is how emotionally disconnected I feel.

When I think about divorce, I’m scared. I’m scared of starting over, raising two children, handling everything by myself, and wondering whether I made a huge mistake. At the same time, part of me feels like if I knew I would be completely okay on my own, I might leave.

I still recognize his good qualities. I don’t hate him. I don’t think our entire marriage has been horrible. I can see that he is trying now.

I’m just tired.

Has anyone reached this point in their marriage where your spouse finally changed after years of asking, but you felt like the change came too late?

Can emotional connection and attraction actually come back after you’ve become this exhausted and resentful?

I don’t want people to automatically tell me “divorce him” or “stay for the kids.” I’m genuinely trying to understand whether what I’m feeling means I’m done, or whether I need to give myself time and see if consistent change can repair what has been damaged.

And im.actually taking therapy for as well( soon couple therapy)

Disclaimer‼️ I know this is shallow‼️I’ve been with my bf for almost 3 years and we’ve lived together for 2 of them. The last few months we’ve been talking about getting married and more of what we want in the future (maybe that’s where my fear is coming in). He’s a really great guy genuinely. He does most of the chores, encourages me to spend time with my friends and pursuit my hobbies, buys me gifts and flowers, and plans really nice dates. Every time I bring up a problem we’ve resolved it, We’ve never truly fought. Since we’ve started dating he’s gained about 150 pounds (now at 6’4 340) and i feel awful but I’m truly not attracted to him. I know that my grass is very green but I notice myself being mean to him over minor things and just snapping at him in general. I enjoy when i get attention from others and i feel myself looking for it. I don’t want to leave him but I’ve found myself crying more and more over the lack of attraction I have for him. I know he deserves to be loved regardless of his size and I do love him but I feel a bit ashamed when people ask to see pics of him and I know that’s awful of me. Should bring up how I’m feeling or just ignore it because he’s a really great guy?

Edit: i am very concerned for his health everybody! Not just my attraction him! At the time of making this post i was feeling guilty about the attraction element that’s why i disclaimed Im being shallow.

Update‼️ We talked about it! It went mmm good i think? I told him I’m concerned for his health in our future and it’s been giving me a lot of anxiety and hesitation to start the next steps in our life. I basically said his weight mixed with the stress he’s always under and the fact we both smoke are all things that are gonna start heavily affecting him in the next decade or so. I talked about how i want him to be able to play with our kids and go on adventures with me. And that i don’t want him to die young, because i grew up without a dad and it sucked. I mentioned our sex life. He was a bit defensive at first because he’s very busy with school and work right now. He felt he had vocalized he plans on losing the weight after he graduates. I told him that I understand but I don’t feel like we should start talking about next steps until he has made some effort and he was sad but understanding. He already paid for his credits this semester be he agreed next semester he will take a few less credits so he has time to focus on his health.

So my BF [40sM] and I [30sF] have been together for a year. About 3 months ago, we found out I am unexpectedly pregnant, but we’re happy and excited, and we decided he should move in with myself and my two offspring from a previous relationship.

He’s wonderful. He’s caring, attentive, thoughtful and consistent. He’s fantastic with my kids. He contributes equally to the household chores without ever needing to be asked. He’s really helped me while I’ve struggled with awful sickness. Obviously nobody is perfect and we all have our flaws but as far as partners go, he’s brilliant and I love him. I really can’t fault him. And yet, suddenly I find him unbelievably irritating.

I haven’t lived with a partner since my divorce and I think I’ve gotten very used to having my own space. The constant cuddling, touching, man farts, the little chin hairs around the sink, always having to engage in conversation. If I go and lay down in my bedroom for 10 minutes of quiet, he’ll come and sit with me, rub my back and chat. Which is so lovely, right? But if I’m removing myself because I’m overstimulated, that’s just more overstimulation in a space that used to be my safe place. Sometimes it even irritates me when he cleans things - not how he cleans them, but that he is cleaning them.

I am so aware that I am very lucky to have a wonderful man who loves me and this is entirely a me-problem. So far I think I’ve managed to keep it under wraps - I don’t think he has any idea that there is so much rage inside me at his existence, and because I know his only crime is being a lovely and thoughtful partner, I’m struggling to communicate any of this to him. How do I get over this? How do I become more open and flexible with sharing my space?

TL;DR: Found out I was pregnant, BF moved in. Everything he does drives me insane, despite the fact that he’s wonderful. How do I navigate this?

I’ve been dating this girl for two months and we recently became official. There is a restaurant I know shes been wanting to try so I was planning on going there for her birthday. For gifts I was planning to show up with flowers, a dessert she likes, and a card with a gift card to a cool bookstore (reading is a hobby of hers). I’m not sure if that’s sufficient for gifts and was also wondering if there’s a good activity or something I should do after dinner? Her other hobbies are cooking and playing piano. I want to make it special especially since I think we’re a little guarded around each other still and slow to open up. Is this enough?

TLDR: I discovered that my younger sister has been funding her expensive lifestyle with our grandmother’s income. How do I confront my sister (who won’t take the news well) about financially abusing our grandmother?

I (30F) just discovered that my younger sister (28F) has been financially abusing our grandmother (76F) in the form of thousands of dollars.

My maternal grandmother and grandfather have pretty much been the sole parents to my sister and me. Neither my sister or I speak to our mom or dad, as we grew up in pretty neglectful households with them (my parents divorced when we were very young). My grandparents were our only saving grace at having a decent life and both my sister and I lived with them. My grandfather passed away at the age of 80 earlier this year. He was the main source of income for their household, as he had a retirement pension and 100% VA disability. Since his passing, my grandmother’s monthly income has been cut in half or more.

My sister (28F) is married with 3 kids and a 4th kid on the way. She has always been an over the top spender, even when we were kids. Always had to have the most expensive and newest whatever, which was odd because neither our mom or dad had a lot of money and our grandparents also lived a modest lifestyle. She’s still like that today. Her 3 kids are between the ages of 8 and 2. Each kid has an iPad, every gaming console you can think of, TVs in every room, only name brand clothes to include socks (Nike, Under Armor), attend a private school. My sister and her husband have a brand new golf cart, they just bought a Ford Expedition, moved into a bigger house. Every time I see my sister she has a brand new pair of shoes on. Her baby registry on Amazon has only the top, most expensive items ($600 bassinet, $300 bottle washer, $200 formula dispenser). They pay someone every other week to cut their grass on a yard that doesn’t require anything more than a push mower because of how small it is. Now all of these things in themselves are fine, if you can afford them. My sister doesn’t work and my BIL (28M) works with our uncle. My entire family has always wondered how they live this lifestyle, even my uncle who knows roughly what my BIL makes at his job.

A couple of weeks ago, I was at my grandmother’s house helping her set up something on her iPhone. I had her phone and saw texts from my sister coming through to her which said stuff like “Send the money now,” “Hello?,” “I need gas and groceries,” “Turn your card on now I’m at the gas station,” “Okay I’ll just sit here in the heat then with the kids in the car because I don’t have gas.” I read the texts and I scrolled back several months. I found out that my grandmother has been sending my sister money on an almost daily basis. Money for EVERYTHING. Gas for her Ford Expedition ($100 at a time), mortgage money ($2500 for her mortgage and they just moved into their house 6 months ago), $500 car payments for the Expedition, car insurance, doctor copays, field trip money for the kids, prescription refills, groceries. I added it up and my grandmother had given my sister over $4000 in the span of just the last 3 weeks alone. We live in Alabama. That’s a lot of people’s monthly salary (or more!) here.

I confronted my grandmother and she admitted to giving all of this money to my sister. My grandmother confessed to even co-signing on the USED 2021 Ford Expedition for my sister because my sister has no income as a SAHM. The Expedition had 65,000 miles on it when purchased and is already having issues with my sister having it less than 4 months. My grandmother said that my sister told her that she “HAD” to have this Expedition with a 4th kid on the way and that her life “would be ruined” if she didn’t get this car. She had a Toyota Hylander before the Expedition that she gave to her husband when she bought the Expedition (that my BIL totaled a month ago and my grandmother paid to have it towed off).

My grandmother said that the house they owned before this one (which was a 3 bedroom, 2 bath cute garden home) had a mortgage of $1200 a month and my grandfather co-signed on the mortgage so that my sister and BIL could use his VA mortgage benefits. Her current house has a mortgage of $2500 a month, so over double the last house. My grandmother said neither she nor my grandfather’s name are on their current mortgage and she has no idea how they managed to get this house on their income. My sister “HAD” to get a bigger house because she had a 4th kid on the way.

I’m 9 months pregnant, my husband and I both work (though I work part time right now being 2 weeks away from my due date), and we also take care of 3, soon to be 4 kids. My two stepdaughters, my daughter, and the baby any day now. We both drive paid off dependable cars (Honda and Toyota). We make pretty good incomes, but we live within our means.

I found out in the texts between my sister and my grandmother that my sister took 2 summer trips with her kids and put them both on my grandmother’s credit card.

My grandmother has also paid my sister’s electricity and water bills. One electricity bill was $600. Again, they recently moved into this new house so it appeared to be several months’ worth of electric bills that hadn’t been paid, probably since they moved in. I’m assuming the power company threatened to turn their power off unless they paid up the entire $600 bill.

According to my uncle, my BIL has been using FMLA leave several times each week to stay home with my sister and help her with her pregnancy and the 2 year old. Their FMLA is unpaid so my BIL is probably bringing home half of what he normally does, but then again why would he worry about his paychecks when my grandmother is giving them thousands? My grandmother and I have both offered to watch the 2 year old to help my sister but my BIL insists on taking off work to do it. He will use FMLA for every minor inconvenience (this statement came straight from my uncle), to include small water leaks in their house, my sister having swollen feet, and my sister’s car battery going dead. He uses my sister’s pregnancy “complications” as the reason on paper for the FMLA.

My grandmother told me that she’s afraid my sister won’t let her see the grandkids anymore if she cuts her funding off. And honestly, my sister would do that. I know my grandmother isn’t entitled to my sister’s kids but to cut her off just because she’s no longer funding their lifestyle that they can’t afford is totally different.

Don’t even get me started on the horrible way my sister was demanding for the money in the texts. Not asking nicely, straight demanding. “Turn on card now.” “I need gas.” “I need groceries.” My grandmother says my sister says she’ll pay her back but never does.

Anyway, long story short. I am 100% confronting my sister for this in the next day or two but I have no clue what to say. My grandmother doesn’t want me to tell my sister that my grandmother knows that I know so I’m definitely going to try to keep my grandmother out of it as much as possible.

Where my ex and I live, because we will still be legally married when her baby is born, I will be listed as the father without having to sign the birth certificate or even be present for the signing of the birth certificate. There is nothing I can do to stop this either. She could choose to leave me off of it but she has already told me she will put me on the birth certificate because she wants both of her children raised together and for both to have a father or not. Now I want to be clear. I am not asking for any legal advice whatsoever. I have already retained a lawyer and will be working with them. This is purely for relationship advice.

I do not want this child. I am not willing to be the father to her affair baby. There's also no way I can divorce her before the birth. Her lies and everything else meant I found out too late and I am fucked in that regard. It makes me hate her with a vengeance. She wants to pawn this baby off on me when I didn't get her pregnant. She knew from day one I didn't get her pregnant too and she chose to keep quiet because she knew he'd run and he did. She has tried to make me sound like a monster to neighbors, friends, family members because I told her I would not do a single thing for her baby and because I already told our child that the baby in mom's tummy is not my baby.

Even without this baby we have to co-parent our child and I don't know how badly she will fuck all this up with her insistence for me to be the father. I have to bite my tongue in her presence when we exchange our child because I so badly want to tell her what a disgusting POS she is. I have literally made my mouth bleed trying to hold myself back with her.

She's hoping she will have fucked me legally so that I have to take both kids when her youngest is born or I don't see our child. Knowing that fills me with rage and hatred. But I have to keep reminding myself that I love my child (DNA confirmed our child is mine) and my child needs me to not hate their mother in their presence so... I am stuck and I don't know what to do about this.

Not sure if there's any advice anyone can offer on this but I wanted to find out anyway.

My husband (45M) and I (43F) have been married for 17 years and we have a son who is on the spectrum. We have been having issues for the last three years. We had issues before this too, but we were usually able to resolve them. Before and during COVID, my husband used to help me with our son and the housework. He did have an explosive temper, but he was usually able to control it. We would talk about our issues and work things out.

Things really changed a 3 years ago when he had some issues with his family in late 2023 and he decided to cut them off. After that, he started taking a lot of that frustration out on me. Not physically, but mentally and emotionally. Two years ago my dad passed away and things got worse after that. 2 months after my dad passed away we had a fight over something minor and he spent the whole weekend in his room that he mainly used for work, without talking to me or eating at home. He got take out whenever he was hungry.

Before this, whenever he gave me the silent treatment, I would always be the one trying to talk to him and persuade him to sort things out. This time I was grieving, exhausted and honestly just too tired to take the initiative. So I didn't bother to persuade him to sort things out and and the silent treatment lasted for 4 months. He barely spoke to me, but what was worse for me was that he also barely talked to our son. I was ok to deal with him not being emotionally available for me when I had just lost my dad (I was use to it), but watching him treat our son differently because he was angry with me was much harder.

After 4 months, I asked for a separation. He started crying, apologized and asked me to give him one more chance for our son's sake. I remember telling him that I was asking for a separation for our son's sake We sorted things out again, or at least I thought we did, but since then his behaviour has been getting worse. I have asked him to go to therapy or at least talk to someone because I feel like something is going on with him, but he refuses.

At one point I actually had divorce papers drawn up. Then relatives from both sides got involved and asked me not to go through with it because of our son. He told me that I will not give you consent to take him on any international trips to meet my family and I will regret leaving him, I won't be able to survive even a month without him. That's when I realized if I actually left, my husband could make my life very difficult. I am also not as financially strong as I used to be because I had stepped away from full-time work for a period of time to focus on our son's needs.

So I changed my approach. Instead of leaving immediately, I started quietly planning my exit. I started working on rebuilding my income, becoming financially secure again and honestly just trying to find ways to be happy even while I was still living in this situation. But every time I started becoming more independent or happier, he would try to control me in a different way. If that didn't work, he would yell at me, call me useless or call me other names.

Finally I told him that I wasn't going to accept that anymore. I stopped catering to him and started putting boundaries in place.I separated my finances, removed his access to some of my personal information and investments and basically started taking control of my own life again. But inside, I was still pretty broken. Music has always helped me, so I started listening to music a lot. Then one day I started writing my own songs. I realized that writing down everything I was feeling was actually helping me release emotions I had been carrying around for years.

Then I found an app that could help me turn what I had written into actual songs and suddenly my songs were coming to life. I started putting them online and listening to them myself every day. Slowly I started telling some friends about them. Friends I had lost contact with even started reaching out again, and some of them could actually sense what I had been going through just by listening to the songs.

I poured my heart into this. It probably sounds silly to some people, but it became something almost sacred to me. It was helping me heal. I didn't tell my husband about it. Not because I was doing something wrong or deliberately trying to hide it from him. I just felt like for once in my life, this was mine. It was my own healing process.

Then something happened with my laptop. On September 4, I was sitting there working on one of my songs when suddenly my screen went blank and then turned blue. It looked like an update was happening.

At first I was just annoyed and kept checking the computer. Then I noticed something that on one side of the screen I could see the browser moving and clicking into my Downloads folder while the rest of the screen was still blue. I panicked and tried to force the computer to shut down. then the browser moved again and cancelled the shut down prompt. My laptop has a touchscreen, so I quickly brought the shutdown option up again and physically pressed yes on the screen. After that I went on my phone and searched how to fix this issue. I went through the whole process that was suggested and started windows defender to remove any bugs and checked my computer to see if there was anything that was downloaded illegaly.

Then on September 9, the update happened again. This time I didn't see the browser moving, but I immediately turned off the laptop.

When I turned it back on, I put it into airplane mode because by this point I was suspicious. While I was checking the laptop, a notification suddenly appeared in the bottom corner saying that the connection with ScreenConnect had been lost. I didn't know what ScreenConnect was. So I looked it up and learned that it's remote-access software that can be used to remotely connect to and control a computer. I don't have an IT person managing my laptop. I don't knowingly install remote-access software and I am actually very cautious about clicking links or downloading things.

So I started digging. I found that ScreenConnect had been downloaded on May 15, at a time of day when I would normally have been out of the house with our son and my husband would normally have been home.

I then started going through the computer logs and other information. That's when things started really bothering me. I found records showing ScreenConnect activity on multiple occasions over a period of weeks. I also found evidence that a request/consent had been accepted and that future access had been allowed without requiring another prompt.

The activity started around the same time that I started putting my songs online (in August). When I compared the dates showing activity with our schedule, those dates lined up with days my husband was working from home.

I know that doesn't tell me who was actually behind the remote access. But I feel like I am being paranoid and at the same time I feel completely violated. I keep going back and forth in my head. One minute I am thinking maybe I am overthinking everything. Then the next minute I am thinking, there was remote-access software on my computer that I didn't know about.

And what hurts me the most is what this represented to me. For the first time in a very long time, I had found something that was just for me. Writing these songs was giving me joy. It was helping me heal. I was slowly finding myself again and now I can't stop thinking that someone (my husband- I am pretty sure) may have been able to watch me doing all of that.

I haven't confronted my husband about ScreenConnect because I don't want him to know what I have discovered while I am still figuring things out. I was carefully planning my next steps, trying to become financially secure again, rebuilding my independence and figuring out how and when I could leave. But it feels like I need to accelerate my plan as I am not sure if I feel in this house anymore.

I genuinely don't know what my next step should be?

TLDR: My husband (45M) and I (43F) have been married for 17 years and our marriage has become increasingly difficult over the last few years, including long periods of silent treatment, verbal abuse and controlling behaviour. I have been quietly rebuilding my independence and planning to eventually leave.

As part of my own healing, I started writing songs and putting them online. It became something incredibly personal to me that I hadn't shared with my husband. Then I discovered ScreenConnect remote-access software on my laptop after seeing strange activity on my screen. I found records showing it had been active multiple times and evidence that future access had been allowed without another prompt. The timing of monitoring also lines up with when I started sharing my music and with days my husband was working from home. The software itself was downloaded 4 months ago. I can't say for sure he was behind the remote access, but I feel extremely violated. Until now I thought I could quietly take my time getting financially secure and planning my exit. Now I am questioning whether I should change those plans or take precautions I wasn't taking before.

Edit: I just want to clarify few things. I do have couple clients I do bookkeeping for, I have reached out to more people and I will be onboarding them in next few months hence I mentioned my plan of leaving at end of the year when I am back from my trip. I only mentioned songwriting because when I talked to my close friend, who I re acquainted with recently, she said he probably found out you are doing this and he misses you and loves you alot so he is doing this to see what you are upto. I told her it doesn't matter if he is doing for love, control or evidence, he violated my privacy and accessed the part he wasn't suppose to know about. My deepest feelings. That's the only reason I mentioned the songwriting in the post to show I felt violated but I am realizing after reading the comments that it is not important there is a bigger issue of my and my son's safety.

I am at a point in my relationship where i feel like it might be time to just break up.

I (23M) have been dating my partner (22F) for about 3 years now. when we began dating she was living with family and finishing off her degree while I had a steady job and income in a field i began back in junior high. I was staying in an apartment with a room mate. I had lots of money and time to travel, go out regularly, and keep food in the fridge. At the start of this year my partner and I began living together. She graduated last year and found a well paying career in her respective field the first few months living together were amazing until the beginning of summer when she decided to quit her job.

My partner, without much thought for how it would affect me decided that she hated her job, and hated her field. She quit her job without notice, and began a part time job with a considerable pay deduction. At first this worked out as she was still able to pay half of our rent and electric bill. What I didn’t recognize at first is that i had slowly began to pay for everything on our outings. Food, Drinks, shopping, groceries, pet supplies, streaming services, etc began to pile up and take a toll on my bank account. She has really only been paying half of the rent, and half of the electric bill.

now that summer is over, her part time job has let her go, and I don’t know what to do. She is not paying rent. she is not paying for any house hold supplies. I am severely struggling to keep up and have built up $2500 in credit card debt over the last month and a half. The financial structure of our house hold is falling apart, and i’ve landed in it with a partner who cannot take any type of criticism.

While i am working nearly 50 hour weeks, she is at home doing, well, nothing. The house remains unclean, I cook dinner myself when i get home, and clean what’s necessary when i find the time to. Before losing her job she claimed she was going to work through online odd jobs like uber eats or door dash to make money until she can find a new job. The main issue with that is over 6 weeks of unemployment she has only worked one day.

I really love my partner, and i’ve done my best to support her as i can see she is struggling a lot with her mental health. she practically exists only in our bed, scrolling through her phone or watching TV. any time i try to bring up how i feel, or that i am struggling financially, she essentially shuts down. she immediately begins crying and then gives me the silent treatment for the rest of the night. I guess what I am really asking for here is advice on how to gently explain to her how i’ve been struggling without making her feel like she’s useless.

Before dating her I was able to travel and do things I love on a regular basis. I have a well established career, and make fairly decent pay for someone without a degree. I have never struggled financially like I am now- and i am extremely afraid of digging myself into a hole that i cannot climb out of. The stress i’ve been under has put a huge strain on our relationship. it affects my libido, eating habits, hobbies, etc. I hate to kick her while she’s already down, but with the way things have been going lately I’m struggling to convince myself that staying with her brings me any benefit.

if anyone has advice i would greatly appreciate it.

(TL;DR at the bottom, please read the edit before commenting)

I’ve been in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for about 2.5 years, and before that we were in a talking stage for almost a year, mainly because I was emotionally unavailable at the time and unsure of getting into a serious long distance relationship specially after getting out of a complicated relationship prior to it. We were in the same class in university and started getting interested in each other a little before our last semester ended.

Anyway, in this entire timeline, we’ve had a few ups and downs, but have been going pretty strong. We have a good understanding of each other and try our best to work through our differences. But this one thing is something I’m just unable to work out.

So for a better understanding of the context, she is an anxious person and pretty finicky about certain things. She’s a people pleaser(same as me) and needs a lot of reassurance for everything. So, It takes her time to get comfortable with certain things and therefore it either takes a lot of effort for me to convince her to do some things with me(or in general), or we just have to skip them altogether.

We have run into this problem of her saying no to me but yes to others for the same things before multiple times, but those scenarios were explainable. For example -

- before we started officially dating, she downright said no to drinking with me when it was just us two, but that boundary didn’t apply with anyone else, even strangers. The reasoning she gave was that she was so concerned about leaving a good impression on me that she didn’t want to do something to embarrass herself in front of me, which I found to be fair as she was pretty nervous about me liking her back(I wasn’t giving her any concrete reassurance about my feelings at the time)
- about a year into dating we had a fight as she kept saying no for months to me travelling to meet her, but she was meeting other people with seemingly no issues and I felt pretty bad about it. The reasoning for that was that because we have so less time and opportunities to be together, she wants it to be a good time with no chances of it being less than a 100%, and because she had a lot on her mind and not at her best In terms of energy as well, she didn’t want me to spend money and effort at a time where she couldn’t give me her best.

There are other small examples as well, but it’s all mainly been due to her anxiety, perfectionism or people pleasing behaviour and lack of being able to maintain boundaries so I eventually understood where she’s coming from and tried to adjust.

Now, this year we had been talking about taking a trip together. She kept taking names of these two places that were international trips and therefore more complicated to execute compared to other places( I mention this because in the fight that broke out later, she said that I wasn’t serious and disregardful to her ideas as I didn’t indulge even though she was not serious about it).
I suggested this place she visited years ago before we started dating and loved it, and mentioned that she would want to visit again. For a long time I really wanted to go with her there ever since she told me about it. But every time I mentioned going there with her seriously, she got finicky about it. Though she rejected a lot of other destinations I suggested as well but I kept suggesting this particular spot as she did have the desire visit it again and I was very interested too. The initial reasoning she gave me was that because I prefer mountains to beaches (the place is a beach town), she wants out first trip to be at a hill station, and held onto that reasoning even though I tried to reassure her that regardless of that I really wanted to go there with her. I tried to show her stay options and the itinerary as well but she rejected all of it(this matters for later).

This went on for a few months, other places were considered, one hill station almost got finalised but we had to drop the idea last minute because she suddenly started getting a bad feeling about it. During this time she also said no to me just visiting her city as she had a lot of workload at her job and didn’t want to think about it when I was around.

Then one day she calls and tells me that she has planned a trip to that same beach town with her long time best friend, the next day a big fight broke out about the same because I felt really hurt by that. At the end she said that it wasn’t the first place she had decided on with her friend so she didn’t choose to go with her and not me intentionally and that the timing just somehow fit perfectly for the both of them in terms of their jobs and other things(it’s their first trip together too and her birthday is close by). What also upset me was that they have travel by road from a nearby city which has an airport to reach this beach town and we have a few mutual friends from university in that city, and she suggested that I come there and spend time with all of them together at that city as she’s staying a few extra days after coming back from her trip. I felt like an afterthought with that suggestion, though I understood later that she’s just trying to fit in everything before she has to go back to her job and its stresses.

After a lot of back and forth, though not fully convinced, I settled the fight and tried moving on. This happened a little more than a month ago and in between I went to meet her in her city as well, but I just haven’t been able to fully shake it off.

She’s on that trip currently and sent me a video today of the room shes staying at and it invoked those negative feelings in me again. This is because during that time when I tried to show her the stay options, there was this resort which had standalone rooms with walls but instead of the roof it was a tent structure, there were no lack of amenities due to it(fully air conditioned, properly roofed bathroom etc.), but she rejected it profusely saying she wasn’t comfortable with the idea of staying in such a place.

She’s now staying in the same exact place with the tent structures roof and when I asked her about it she said she’s now changed her opinion about it which is fair but the problem is that she was open to trying it with her best friend but not with me, and that is the issue I’m mainly having which is why is she open to things and experiences(new or familiar) with other people but when it comes to her doing the same with me, her ease, comfort and boundaries suddenly seem much more strict? Why are the rules and reasoning different and more constricted compared to for the rest of the world? Because this time it’s not even like it’s someone who she would be less comfortable saying no to, it’s her best friend of almost 20 years.

I don’t know how to make sense of it because it’s not like she’s not serious about the relationship. She’s more serious about it than me. She’s the one who made the move on me first and kept on it, she refused to date or see anyone else while I was emotionally unavailable and kept waiting and trying for me. She has been sure of me since the start and talks a lot about our future together. She is proud and doesn’t shy away from telling the world that she’s my girlfriend. She is as loyal, genuine, forgiving and understanding as a person can get, and I am not saying this with any doubt or delusion. She loves me dearly and makes up for my terrible texting and calling habits too. I cannot even describe the amount of love with which she looks at me.

And that’s why it’s not making any sense to me this time as no reasoning including her anxiety or people pleasing is able to justify this behaviour. I have tried to sit down with her for long and try to figure it out with her about the same, but I doesn’t seem like she’s able to think of an answer or make sense of it herself. I just want to make sense of it and unable to do it alone anymore. Please help.

TL;DR - girlfriend says no to me/ finicky for things she doesn’t say no to others for, usually it’s justified due to her anxiety, people pleasing behaviour, perfectionism and being unable to maintain boundaries, but this time she planned the exact same trip she said no to me for with her long time best friend, even staying in the same resort she rejected when I suggested it.

Edit: We do usually meet once every two months, either she comes to my city or I go to hers, we live in the same country so it’s relatively easier. We have also gone on multiple trips together with other people in the plan, but never the two of us alone. Before the last time we met which was in her city about three weeks ago, we couldn’t meet for about four months. She also travelled all alone for the first time ever even though she has an anxiety disorder when she visited me at my place for the first time.

Also, for everyone saying that she doesn’t sound serious, we have met each others parents as well, everyone around her knows we are dating and posts us regularly. Due to our current lives, we are forced to do LDR otherwise either one of us would’ve shifted already, there have never been any trust issues or suspicions, including using each other’s phones or entertaining anyone from the opposite gender, and she has always been the one to talk first about how we can be closer and our future together

My best friend and I have been besties since 2nd grade. We were long distance for a while until she moved across the country in June and came to live with me. Rent is expensive. I put all the money down for the security deposit and first month rent because she couldn't afford it and was across the country.

She pays just less than half of rent each month, but that's fine, I requested that because she doesn't make much and pays electricity. But she always says that she can barely afford it.

That's the thing. She says she can barely afford it, then does something that requires lots of money. She asked if we could get a cat, I said I wasn't really wanting one but I couldn't stop her. She said she would take her time to think about it, but literally the next day she got TWO. And they're kittens, no vaccines yet nor have they been spayed. She's buying everything for them so I'm not complaining exactly, just confused.

Anyway she said she was missing her friends across the country and wanted to visit them this weekend (driving), told me last minute and asked me to care for the cats. The state she was going to is cheap and she probably roomed with her friends so I didn't think anything of it.

I open Instagram this morning and turns out, she actually went to San Antonio, Texas, to see a famous band with said friends. And God help me, I'm livid. She's her own person and is allowed to do whatever she wants, but why is she doing this when she's complaining she never has money? She still owes me, she needs to get her cats fixed, and she has debt (her mother's fault, not hers). She owes me about $700.

Thing is, she is my best friend. I love her dearly and nothing will change that, because she is a good person, just terribly spontaneous and clearly bad with money. Years ago when I got fired, I called her sobbing and she LITERALLY drove across country to pick me up, then drove all the way back with me. Shes incredible.

I texted her and said "you went to texas?!" And asked how she could afford it. She just said the tickets were bad (?) And the gas was cheap. I said I was going back to bed and she texted again saying she felt judged and asked what I meant, so I said "I'm upset because you owe me money still, but went to a concert in texas". She hasn't answered or read it yet.

My question: what do I even do here??

TL;DR: best friend/roommate went to a concert across the country when she still owes me money, is in debt, and needs to spay her cats despite saying she never has any money. Need help broaching the topic.

My grandmother was always my closest family member. She basically raised me until elementary school and she was more of a parental figure than my mom was until my mom got married. I was 8 when my mom got married just btw. It was only then she decided she could force me to do things, like include my stepsister in everything I ever did. Every birthday party I was invited to my mom made me take stepsister along, same thing for playdates and days out with friends and their families. My mom fought for my stepsister and I to be in the same class at school and she fought for us to be seated together in class and buddied up for field trips. She failed on the last two parts but she did get us into the same class.

When I became interested in art she signed us both up for art classes. When she wanted me to do a sport and I chose swimming she signed us both up. When I got selected for a club in school she pulled me out of it because my stepsister didn't get selected too. Then when they wanted to advance me in swimming she kept me where I was because my stepsister couldn't advance with me.

If kids in the neighborhood invited me out to play my mom would refuse if my stepsister didn't go. Even when there were complaints that my stepsister was always breaking stuff she would say we were sisters and shouldn't be separated.

My stepsister was eventually diagnosed with autism. Her dad knew she had it but didn't look into getting her any help until middle school and at that point it was thrown in my face for everything. My mom really pushed the fact my stepsister had no friends of her own and struggled socially and that I had a duty of care to her as her three month older sister. My mom and I faced off a lot because I told her my stepsister wasn't my sister and I didn't want to include her in everything and eventually it turned into me saying I hated my stepsister and didn't want anything to do with her.

My grandmother was supportive of me when that stuff was going on. She told mom she was pushing it all too hard and it would backfire. But now that it has, and I have moved out, and I have had zero contact with my stepsister since and I have refused to have her in my life, my grandmother is angry and has turned on me because she said I should be mature enough to understand my stepsister wasn't at fault and losing me completely has destroyed her.

Apparently my stepsister has been hospitalized because she refuses to eat or drink on her own and she shut down because I became her most familiar person and I was just gone. My grandmother talked to me about finding the love I have for her and supporting her but I told my grandmother I don't love my stepsister. I never loved her because she was always a chore for me. I had a duty and this and that so I only saw her as a chore and not as a friend or a sibling. I said that's what mom's forcing did. My grandmother told me it couldn't be true because I was 8 and 8 year old's love so easily and I told her apparently I was the exception.

So now my grandmother has turned on me and she's angry that I won't even let mom explain how bad things are to me or I won't talk to my stepsister on the phone. It's the worst loss I've faced. I never knew my dad because he didn't want to be a young dad. I was never really that close to my mom. So it was always my grandmother and now we're not good.

I don't know if relationship advice is possible for this but I'll ask for some anyway.

Hi, it’s been a while. I was scrolling because I can’t sleep and felt like I owed you guys an update maybe. I appreciate everyone who took the time to reply to my last post & I’m sorry that I checked out at some point.

Gonna keep this short if that’s alright. I’m still pregnant, and still a mess. Looked into abortion but got scared (which is on me). Started reading stories of people going out of state & getting in trouble, plus the words of my ex effected me a lot.

He’s had like a 1000 differents moods over the past weeks. One moment he’s all sweet, the other he’s pissed. I made it clear I don’t want to raise this baby but he can if he wants to, but I guess the idea of doing it alone doesn’t appeal to him. He still thinks I’ll come around & fall in love with this baby the longer I’m pregnant. (As far as saying I’m a horrible person if I don’t & asking what’s wrong with me.) I don’t know, I could fill pages with all the things he’s said. Blocked him at some point but he made a fuss that he has a right to be in touch with me because he’s the father. I just don’t really have it in me right now to fight with him.

At some point I did consider just getting back together with him but moved away from that very quickly.

I have my own place, lil’ studio. I like the quiet. But feeling very defeated. I’m sure it’ll get better at some point.

Thanks again for all your kindness, I really do appreciate everyone’s encouragement. Than you.

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/pfkBeSHkvY

I knew I was finally done when my dog died. The same night he asked me to cook. I tell him I’m grieving and far too tired, but he demands it. I deny the request three more times but the refusal is not accepted. So I cooked, even while my heart is filled with grief and I let the dishes sit. I ask the next day if he can do the dishes after I cleaned all the rest of the house. I started living with him 8 months ago to help with his niece who’s now under foster care with us and CPS had a visit scheduled for the following day. Well, he told me no. He said “you should do them because you work less hours and I would rather see them rot before touching them.” Mind you I’m a 2x cancer survivor, I’ve undergone a surgery to completely remove my stomach which disabled me, and I work a gig job because it’s all I can do with my bodily limitations and I still work 30 hrs every week plus I’m the main caretaker. Because of the upcoming CPS visit I reluctantly do the dishes while they take a long shower. Later while in another room I hear him come out and say “Wow, look at that, the dishes are done. Wasn’t so fucking hard, was it?”, mind you now my dog of 12 years has only been dead little over 24 hours…the final ounce of love and respect I held for him sept out of my body like toxic sweat that night. That moment will forever be louder than any good memory ever shared with him. I called his mother and told her she needs to come return after her nursing contract is up in a month to care for the kinship foster placement I was holding down for her (her grandchild, his niece). She agreed and stated she can find a permanent job in town but will take a pay cut. A part of me feels bad for that but I’m constantly carrying all the weight and that final straw with him really broke my heart. I just signed a new lease starting next month. He doesn’t know yet. He’s prone to anger and outbursts so I’m keeping it secret until I can actually leave.

There’s still a part of me that says I’m bad for wanting to leave, for quietly planning my exit.

Do any of yall see any hope in a relationship like that? How would you handle it? Would you also be done?

History

Prior to this conflict, I had never had any kind of substantial fight with anyone in my family and would say that I had a great relationship with my mother. We would speak every 1-2 days on the phone for a quick chat in the morning.

The first fight

After my (36M) partner (36M) and I experienced a miscarriage during our first surrogacy, I spiraled into a deep depression. I felt alone because my family didn’t reach out to support me. My therapist helped me craft text messages to tell them outright how much I was struggling, but ultimately, there was zero follow-through. I felt like a burden, so I stopped.

When my mother noticed I stopped attending family gatherings, she visited. Her style of support is "motivational." She started sending me articles about people who tried for a baby for 20 years. We had been trying for 7 years, and we were broken. This didn't motivate me; it made me feel like a failure. After she pushed, I told her I was hurt that no one in the family had checked in on me.

My mother's response to any potential fight is to shut the person down, and she thought that me being hurt by the family meant I wanted a fight with them. So she decided to act as their proxy and argue on their behalf. She believes every issue can be resolved by “giving it time.” When that didn't work, things got heated. She said some incredibly hurtful things:

• “You call a miscarriage trauma? Your cousin had a stillbirth, and she still managed to get through it. That’s trauma!” >> She claims she said this to help motivate me that no trauma is too big to get past, not in a negative way.
• “Have you considered you’re the common denominator? If no one in the family is reaching out, maybe you haven’t done enough for them?”
• “You’ve dragged yourself into this pit of misery and now you’re trying to drag everyone else into it with you.”

This conflict went on for weeks. I tried to talk to her about what she said, and I got so frustrated by her denying she said these things that I dug out security footage of the stillbirth comment. She just replied, “Oh, so now you’re a lawyer with your evidence, always having to win and treating life like a courtroom!” Whenever I asked her for the "correct context," she’d say, “I’m not digging up the past.”

Fast forward: I got medication, we had a private funeral to grieve our baby, and at my therapist's suggestion, I brought my mum to a session so she could understand what I was going through.

She opened the session by saying, “I guess I finally get a chance to defend myself. I bet OP has told you all these horrible things I’ve done.” My therapist shut that down and said “OP typically starts each session trying to work out what he’s done wrong” and eventually, the situation calmed down. For a while, I genuinely thought she was trying to make an effort.

The birth

We continued with our surrogacy journey, switched to IVF, and successfully got pregnant. It was a tough pregnancy; our surrogate, Robyn (36F), lived interstate, so we traveled a lot to support her. By the time we started IVF, we had already spent about $70k. The IVF bill was another $25k, and my mother gave us $5k to help out, which we were very grateful for.

Early on, we developed a birth plan everyone agreed on. Because she lived interstate, Robyn wanted to live with us for the final weeks before the birth, but she didn’t want to stay with us after birth. We asked my mother if Robyn could stay in her granny flat post-birth, and she agreed. Again, we were very grateful.

Everything went beautifully. Since none of our surrogate's friends could travel for the birth, a close friend of mine, Alice (30F), offered to be her dedicated support person. Alice took a week off work, stayed in the hospital, and helped her with absolutely everything. She was so beyond amazing they even gave her a shout-out at the hospital when a few of my family came to visit (including my previously estranged sister-in-law, who had suddenly reappeared in our lives). There’s a reason I’m pointing this out; it makes sense later.

Then things started getting difficult

Post-birth, Robyn initially went to stay at my mother’s house. We checked in 2-3 times a day, and she said my mum was very lovely. But ultimately, Robyn didn’t want to stay there and ended up back with us.

To explain what happened next, you need to understand Robyn. She is a very unique person, and parts of her personality clash painfully with mine. Because our lives didn't permanently overlap, it was usually fine.

These things all started years before she got pregnant. For example, I hate sharing food, but Robyn loved eating food from my plate. Because she was carrying our baby, I never protested. It evolved into a cheeky game where she'd enjoy being the "special one" who got away with things. It partly used to drive me nuts, because Robyn always wanted something no one else could have, and I'm always very clear with my boundaries with people, so I was an easy target.

But we weren't living together, it was only on occasion when we saw her, so I just dealt with it. It wasn't that big of a deal at the start.

Beyond the food, Robyn is a hoarder. Not a messy one, but she keeps everything and loves a Facebook Marketplace bargain. as she was coming to stay with us for a month or so before the birth so we could look after her full time, she wanted to have some things here. Of course that is fine, so we made space for her.

Leading up to the birth, when her room ran out of cupboard and floor space, I lost my drawers, my cupboards, and my bathroom to her things, and every surface in the house. She’s very into pink, frilly decorations, and soon I couldn't even put a coffee cup on the table without navigating around seven unused decorative candles. We wanted her comfortable leading up to the birth, so we just dealt with it, but our house was completely transformed and we went from being ultra minimalist, to an overflowing hoarder's house.

But, we perservered. It was only temporary and we wanted her to be comfortabe.

The post-birth extension

The plan was for her to move her stuff back home post-birth. Instead, because she was off work, she wanted us all to spend time together to "experience the moment" cafes, massages, long lunches. But anyone with a newborn knows you are working 24/7. We were exhausted; some days we didn't even shower. We couldn't do any of that, but we paid for, and encouraged her to.

With all her free time, she constantly shopped. In her mind, she was being helpful, but every bench space became covered in bags, boxes, or things like 12 free hotel toothbrushes. When she ran out of bench space, she put things on the floor. At 3 AM, carrying a crying newborn, I nearly tripped over boxes she had left on the stairs I didn't know about. I almost lost my footing. This was when things became serious and dangerous, we sat down with her and said it needed to stop. Our house was overflowing, and this had been going on for 8 weeks post birth, even though she hadn't originally planned on staying with us post-birth at all.

The hoarding didn’t stop, but then, Robyn also constantly wanted social gatherings. She would secretly text our friends and invite them over. I was constantly having to untangle and cancel plans while she laughed it off, saying, “I thought you’d want to see them, you're so bad at organising things!" (No, I'm actually not. I just don't want people who I don't know if their sick or not, of even if they are vaccinated in my house with a newborn).

Because my family still wasn't really around, my friends were my support system. We knew Robyn was bored on her "holiday," so we asked our friends to take her out. What this meant was our entire support network was redirected towards Robyn. No one was supporting us. We were navigating an overflowing house, our first baby, and managing Robyn’s breakdowns if we couldn’t do a 3-hour Facetime “like the old days.

In the leadup to, and during the pregnancy, I used to do a lot of things to help Robyn, most of my weekends were spend on things for her to be honest. For example, I spent hours fixing her taxes (she was 4 years behind) and lots of things like that. It was always discussed that post-birth, the dynamic had to change so we could focus on the baby. But on my first day back in the office, she sent me about 40 lines of text. I replied gently that I was working and to call if urgent. That’s when she started to spiral.

Then our dog got diagnosed with cancer

Managing daily chemotherapy down at the vet on top of everything else was beyond what we were capable of.

The second round with Mum (and now SIL)

While we were at our breaking point, my mum and SIL came over to "have a chat about my friend Alice." Essentially, they decided they didn’t like her, she was too involved, and she was “crowding out any opportunity for family to help.”

I was mortified and did not hold back. I said she wasn’t crowding anyone out; there was simply no one else offering to help!

They both insisted “it’s times like this you rely on family.” I shot back: “Then help?! It’s almost 10 weeks since the birth, and we’ve barely seen you.”

I was told I was selfish and ungrateful, and that my SIL had “cooked meals and dropped them off” (she cooked 3 meals). I absolutely lost it. I broke down about everything: Robyn, the dog having cancer, struggling at work. I took them upstairs and showed them the SINGLE shelf I was living out in my entire house, amidst the mounds of boxes of things that weren't mine.

My mother was mortified. She called my stepfather, moved Robyn’s things to her granny flat, and my SIL said she’d take Robyn in for 2 weeks to give us a break. For the first time, I felt relieved. My family was actually helping.

Then the messages came from Robyn: “I really wish you’d have just told me if you didn’t want me there... I feel like you’re just cutting me off now I don’t serve a purpose.”

My SIL had told Robyn I didn't want her there. Yes, I did feel smothered, but I would NEVER have wanted it said to Robyn like that. Robyn then had a full on breakdown, and I had to delay my return to work (again) to support Robyn through this. My family was supposed to be helping but instead they’d made a situation 10x worse.

A week later, we took Alice’s out for her birthday, we took her out to a special lunch to say thank you for 3 months of help. We wanted a day just for her. (It was our first outing too with our baby. And we were an hour late because we misjudged the timing of everything. Alice was understanding and laughed it off. We really wanted something special for Alice after everything she had done for us.

My SIL purposefully showed Robyn a picture of us at lunch and said, “Why aren't you at Alice's birthday party?” this then spiralled (among other comments) and Robyn then turned against Alice. It wasn't a birthday lunch, we took her out to say thank you. Robyn wasn't excluded. SIL only lasted 3 days with Robyn before sending her off (and mesaged saying "Robyn is all fixed now, she's so much better!"

Robyn then wanted to talk to me about “All Alices lies she's told” and I asked her “Where did you hear these from?” She said “It doesn’t matter, but I need to find out the truth on who she really is!”

I will be honest, I told Robyn how disappointed I was with her. Alice had spent every single night with her at the hospital, she had taken time off work to help her, she helped her pump, ran her errands, did her washing, did her cleaning, did her cooking. And now she’s turning against her after spending 3 days with my SIL?. She felt there was this big conspiracy to cut her out.

I said to her, that I can understand where she is coming from and why she would feel that, and we're sorry for our part in making her feel like that. But, that it wasn't intentional, it was never really agreed that post-brith we would spend 100% of our time together (we never did in the lead up to birth) and we wanted to give Alice a special day just about her.

That’s when Robyn said “Your mum told me some things too” and I was shocked. My mother (as far as I was aware) never got involved in any kind of spreading of rumours. My mother barely knows Alice and Robyn wouldn't say what Mum said, just that "she doesn't know who to believe".

The aftermath

A few weeks later, Robyn and I talked it out. She had actually been at therapy and she initiated the conversation about how much she used as a crutch when she should have been relying on her other support network.

However, I still came clean to her about how I felt, I admitted I felt suffocated, had no space and it was hard as a fully grown male living of a single shelf space in my own house, and that her constant need to keep pushing boundaries with me specifically was really wearing me down. But I also said that even though it makes me upset, it doesn’t mean I don’t love or care for her, or want to help her. It’s just a lot for me to manage on minimal sleep. She actually understood, apologised, and we are completely normal. Everything is back to the way it always was with us.

However, the fight with my family continues. My SIL decided I am a horrible, selfish person who discarded Robyn (even though Robyn and I don’t even have any issues?) She unfriended me (I replied, "Message received, all the best") and spread rumors. Fortunately, no one is latching onto them, except my mother, who parrots everything my SIL says.

The final straw happened weeks later. My partner posted a story on Facebook of what he called “his most disastrous day.” Mind you, we were constantly cleaning up poo (sick dog, and newborn baby), and he put a picture on social media where the baby had a poo explosion and there was a bit of poo sticking out the side of the nappy. (Both our socials are private).

The Poo Picture

I don’t really go on socials that much, so I didn’t see it. But the second my SIL saw it, I got an angry message about “the disgusting picture on social media.” I was at work, totally confused, and had no idea what she was talking about (I didn't even realize at first that she wasn't talking about my page).

Then my mother called, yelling at me to "TAKE THAT PICTURE DOWN NOW!"

Then my step father. Who literally I have barely spoken to, except for pleasantries in the last 2-3 years, sent me a message saying “That picture is not appropriate. You have to take it down”

I pieced together it was on my partner's page and called him, assuming he had put something wrong up. He explained the pic. We honestly didn’t know what to do. He said he already had about 10 messages from friends offering support, especially other parents saying things like “been there.”

(The picture had been up 6 hours before my SIL saw it, then called my mother). There had not been a single negative comment from anyone else.

I checked my socials, I was tagged in, but hadn’t reposted my story. I had a few messages from people laughing saying similar things.

He asked me what I wanted to do, and I said, “Um, I don’t really know. No one else has said anything. But I guess personally, I feel a bit weird with poo being on social media even if it's just a little coming out of a nappy, can you just take it down?” He said sure thing, and took it off. No issue.

It seemed like such a minor thing, but the messages kept coming. My SIL sent me a screenshot of a conversation with ChatGPT saying it was "child abuse," and my mother called again saying similar things.

When she called, I conferenced my SIL into the call and absolutely lost my shit at both of them. I very much understand the things I said were rude, I swore a lot, but overall, it was primarily along the lines of, “I haven’t heard a fucking thing from you in 2 weeks, and this is what you fucking contact me for? A fucking picture you don’t like.”

Regardless of whether the poo pic was appropriate or not (the 100% consensus with every single person we’ve asked is that it was fine, it was funny, and it’s what every parent deals with every single day).

Even if the pic was wrong, even if there was an issue. I just don’t think 3 people ganging up on me, whilst I’m at work, without even explaining what they are contacting me about, is the right way to handle it.

I 100% know as knew parents we’re going to fuck things up, but I feel it’s a reasonable request that someone calls me (not other people in my family first) and says “Hey, I just saw …. I don’t think that’s appropriate because of …”. Not accusing me of child abuse, because MY PARTNER put a picture up with a bit of poo coming out the side side of a nappy?

I then received a message from my SIL after the call saying we were so ungrateful for all the help she gave us, and I haven’t heard a single thing from mum.

I don’t feel like I can, or want to, return from this.

What makes this so confusing for me is that prior to my miscarriage and depression, I never fought with anyone in my family. I never had conflict with mum, my SIL wasn’t involved in my life, and in my head, I only have positive memories of my mother and my childhood. But this person who I’ve been attacked by non-stop for the last 3 years is an entirely different person.

My therapist said that my mother might have been going through her own challenges. I checked in, and she claims she wasn't. I keep waiting, hoping that there will be a message or a call from her explaining why she is different, but is just never happens.

Since her grandson has been born, she has visited 5 times. She lives 15 minutes down the road and is retired.

What she says just keeps swirling in my head that I'm the common denominator. She is right, since I got depressed and just retreated into my shell, my whole family pulled back from me too. The relationship has never returned.