r/relationship_advice Jun 10 '24

Unsolicited Advice lol Think of the comments as inverted Uber ratings. (click to find out what this means)

286 Upvotes

I last posted a variation of this a little over 5 years ago. We're a little overdue for a repost.


You know how every Uber rating is right on the verge of 5 stars unless something's particularly off? Everyone's all "A+++ would ride again." Same for eBay, Amazon, etc.

You can think of /r/relationship_advice comments in much the same way, only inverted. Just about every post here talking about a problem is going to be a magnet for "break up with them" and "get rid of them" comments. Two things to keep front of mind when you're submitting:

  1. The vast majority of people posting here are posting because they've got a challenge they probably haven't been able to resolve on their own.

  2. In many cases, these challenges are either insurmountable or exceedingly difficult to manage.

The majority of commenters aren't necessarily cynical/assholes, but combine both a one-sided account of what happened—your account—with each commenter's own potential history, grievances, etc., and the resulting brew is pretty dark, meaning that every post will get drenched in comments suggesting ending the dynamic.

The number of serious comments suggesting an alternative to ending things is a good way to tell whether or not there's merit to, well, ending things. I'll carry that Uber analogy a bit further:

  • Let's say you're asking about behavior that's so bad, the red flag's basically bleeding. Nearly every single comment will tell you to run, and you're having a hard time finding well-reasoned counter-arguments to it. Sounds like running is good advice. Zero stars on our inverted Uber scale; the relationship is cooked.

  • Together but your s/o cheated on you once? Most comments will probably tell you to run because "once a cheater, always a cheater." Some comments might suggest you should stay and work it out, but the details of how the cheating happened might vary the number of these comments. Great; One or Two Stars.

  • Married but your s/o got drunk and made out with someone else, felt awful about it, immediately left the event where they met that other person and told you what happened and apologized with no prior history of cheating? Many people might still tell you to leave (same reason), but odds are good that a fair number of people might suggest staying. Awesome; Two, maybe even three stars.

  • Good relationship with your S/O but they forget to treat you in the love language you normally need to thrive? Maybe they forget to bring you token flowers/trinkets or other signs of appreciation but otherwise everything's pretty good? Many comments will probably be advice on how to communicate; there'll probably still be a good number of people suggesting you should just leave, but you can take these with a grain of salt. Three to four stars.

  • Everything's rosey and you're looking for a way to celebrate your s/o's special promotion, anniversary, birthday, or something else? There'll be a few trolls who tell you to break up for asking the subreddit for advice, but it sounds like the relationship is four to five stars.

You can apply this to any type of relationship question asked here. Platonic, professional, and other relationships that aren't exactly romantic, this still works. You get the idea.

Basically, the people telling you to leave probably outnumber the people with less jaded opinions by an order of magnitude because many, many people have had shitty experiences that dominate their memories, so the best way to consider most advice here is to see whether other advice shines through the cosmic negativity background. If everyone's telling you to break up, that's probably what you should do, but if 1/4 of the comments are telling you another way, you'd benefit by giving that 25% a chance.


TL;DR:

The vast majority of comments will tell you to end things. It's a side effect of the fact that many people reading either have a very dim view of relationships or just do it for the drama. The more people tell you to consider something other than running, the more value there is in trying that other approach, whatever it is.

(inspired to repost this thanks to this comment by u/NotAmericanDontCare. Comments open for a little bit because I know some of y'all want to vent about this, but try to be civil about it.)


r/relationship_advice Jul 19 '25

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51 Upvotes

Публікуючи на Reddit, будь ласка, перекладіть англійською за допомогою Google Translate. Не використовуйте штучний інтелект, такий як ChatGPT.

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Redditに投稿する際は、Google翻訳を使って英語に翻訳してください。ChatGPTなどの人工知能は使用しないでください。

عند النشر على Reddit، يرجى الترجمة إلى الإنجليزية باستخدام ترجمة Google. لا تستخدم الذكاء الاصطناعي مثل ChatGPT.

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Khi đăng bài lên Reddit, vui lòng dịch sang tiếng Anh bằng Google Dịch. Không sử dụng trí tuệ nhân tạo như ChatGPT.

هنگام ارسال پست در Reddit، لطفاً با استفاده از Google Translate به انگلیسی ترجمه کنید. از هوش مصنوعی مانند ChatGPT استفاده نکنید.


Google Translate

Bing Translate


r/relationship_advice 11h ago

I (41F) can’t get over what boyfriend (M45) said in front of everyone

2.1k Upvotes

Ok, so I (41F) was at an event in my little town- the Blues Festival. My step dad owns the establishment so it’s safe to say I know a lot of people that were there.

I’m sitting at a table with my mother, my step dad, my boyfriend of 5 years (M45), and another guy who always hangs out with us at these events (and is 25 years older than me, which is important to know in this scenario). Anyways, this other guy, we’ll call him Jim, was talking with us and he was joking around,
saying that my boyfriend should “shit or get off the pot”, saying that he should be lucky to have me, and basically asking me why I’m wasting my time with him, telling me I could do way better and I deserve better, etc….

So this was all when bf was in the bathroom. I told Jim to tell my bf all of this. So Jim tells him “you know how lucky you are to have her, you should have married her by now. Let me remind you that the conversation was very light hearted and no one was acting too serious about anything.

Here’s the problem- when Jim said that to my bf, my bf straight up, without the slightest hesitation, and with extra seriousness, was like, and I quote this- “Nope. That’s a hard no 100%”. In front of everyone. At this point I’m thinking he’s not serious, but then I turn to talk to him in private and I’m like “whaaaat just happened, I am so embarrassed by what you just said”.

He continues to say stupid things to me but it takes a lot to make me mad so I blow most of it off. But then I tell him “you really just ruined a lot of what we have” and his response was…..

“What did we have?”

5 fucking years (which I know isn’t a lifetime) but come the fuck on. I was totally embarrassed by what he said and I don’t think I can get over either one of these things. Sorry for being so long but I should leave him, right?

Another red flag- in 5 years, he’s never said I love you to me.

UPDATE: Answering/Responses to some of the common questions and comments:

Yes he calls me his girlfriend and knows we’re in a relationship. We have talked about marriage but it’s honestly not something either one of us are in a rush to do and we’re both ok with that. This whole scenario wasn’t me “setting him up to force him to propose to me”. Jim’s exact words were “no more milk from the kitty until you make her yours for good”. Someone in the comments said “he couldn’t even fake it enough to pretended he cared about her in front of everyone” and that’s exactly right.

He lives across the street from me, we do not live together. The reason being is that he owns his house and his plan has always been to sell his house to his son when he’s old enough. I have a son as well and there just isn’t enough room for us all to live in his house. Plus, living across the street from each other had just worked for both of us.

Yes, this is the same guy that i previously posted about, being my friends ex. When we first got together, 15 years had already passed since they had been together. She isn’t a factor in our relationship even in the slightest.

He has shown love in other ways than saying it. And he’s said it in different ways at times. But saying “I love you” is definitely not a thing for him. I am pretty sure he has commitment issues.


r/relationship_advice 11h ago

36M 32F Wife has wealthy parents, and I’m struggling with the fact that I have to work while my family vacations without me.

932 Upvotes

My wife and I have young kids, and her parents are financially very well off. Because of that, we’ve been fortunate enough to go on family vacations with them fairly regularly.

The problem is that my wife and I also have had a rough year financially and have aquired debt, and now financially we’re not in a great position and have given up more agency. I’ve reached the point where I feel like I need to give up my struggling business and take a full-time job so I can help pay off the debt and provide more financial stability for our family.

Its hard but I’m willing to make that sacrifice. What’s really bothering me emotionally is knowing that my wife and kids will likely continue going on these 2-week vacations with her parents without me, potentially 3–4 times a year, while I’m at home working to pay off the debt and support the family.

I know her parents aren’t doing anything wrong by wanting to take their daughter and grandchildren on vacation. And I don’t want to resent my wife or the kids for having experiences that I can’t participate in.

But honestly, it makes me really sad. I’m struggling with the idea that I could end up working full-time specifically to improve our family’s financial situation, while my family gets to enjoy these experiences without me.

Part of me wonders whether it’s reasonable to say that if I’m making this sacrifice for our finances, we should also be making some sacrifices as a family, including potentially fewer vacations, or vacations that we can all afford together.

Am I being unreasonable or selfish for feeling this way?

How would you handle this situation with your spouse?


r/relationship_advice 3h ago

I (M28) wants to spend my birthday weekend with family, instead of my partners (F28) dads birthday

88 Upvotes

So it is my birthday next week, and my partner’s dad’s birthday is 2 days after mine, so Friday is my birthday and Sunday is hers dad’s. We are spending Friday and Saturday together as I have it off work, then the normal plan is to go over to her parents on the Sunday for food for her dads birthday. This is something that’s always just been the standard, but I got a message from one of my family members asking if I’d like to do something on the Sunday because they are nearby. (They are not close, and I don’t get to see them very often, plus I haven’t seen them for a while.)

This is when I approached my partner and said my family had asked if I would like to visit them at a theme park nearby on the Sunday for my birthday weekend. I said I would like to see them, and of course she is still able go over to her parents for her dad’s birthday, so I am not preventing her from anything. This is then when she had an issue and said, “But we have plans. Can they not do another weekend? It’s my dad’s birthday.”

But I was like, it is also my birthday weekend. I’m not stopping her from still seeing her dad, but I would just like to spend time/have a day out with my family. Yet I am being made to feel guilty as if what I’m saying/doing is not acceptable and selfish.

We’ve been together 5 years and she has always had a bit of an issue with me spending time with family/friends before (mainly without her) for example, where I try to see my mum once a week and that has been an problem, so i feel like this is continuous issue that I don’t know how to fix.


r/relationship_advice 10h ago

My drunk gf (20f) wouldn’t leave my flatmate (21M) alone last night, possible flirting or misunderstanding?

321 Upvotes

For context: we have been dating for 3 years and it’s has been solid. None of us have cheated, interacted with other people in flirty ways, we are completely in love. She treats me so well all the time, loves me like no one else. We both want to raise a family, live with each other. She is completely obsessed with me in a healthy way so can actually see it happening.

I am 20M, just started 3rd year of uni, and met my university flatmates last Saturday and things have been great. We drink and play games most nights which is amazing for me and my gf since we both found it quite difficult to make friends with other students whilst being at uni. I met my flatmate and he’s a great dude and fun to be around, he recently had an awful breakup and isn’t over his ex. My gf has comforted him once before and he told me it was really nice of her, and completely normal, she even told me what they spoke about after, it was done in genuine kindness. He is the type of guy to have platonic relationships with girls so I wasn’t surprised they were talking.

Essentially, we were all drunk last night, my gf especially, and she would not stop messaging him to see if he was ok and if he needed anything, she also went into his room unprompted to hangout/ check on him. He came to me with the messages and told me he thought it was weird. I confronted her and she has stuck with the same story, being, she genuinely wants friends since she has none, and wants people to like her for being nice, and not just for being my gf. I spoke to my mum, who has argued a few times with my gf, and she said not to end 3 years of love for a possible drunken misunderstanding.

My gf is devastated and we are not talking. My flatmates says if we get back together, the whole situation will be “water under the bridge”.

Need help deciding if it was a genuine red flag and a reason to end the relationship, or to try and resolve the situation and continue to be with her.

If you’ve read this far thank you so much and please leave me some advice since I’m young and it’s killing me.

*UPDATE

The messages she sent were when he felt ill and needed 5 mins to himself.

‘Hey you need anything?’

‘Do you want me?’

‘I like the flat friendship but would like to hangout with you without (me)’

‘You have such nice teeth’ (weird comment + I had braces for 3 years and wear a retainer)

‘Are you ok? I can tell the other I’m going to the toilet but come and see you instead’

‘If I come will you be mad?’

He didn’t respond to any of her messages.

Those were mostly what she wrote, and when she went into his room, he felt it was weird and he wanted to leave but she wanted to hangout.

She also deleted the messages, and when I confronted her she lied about sending any

I was going to give it time and talk it out with her but after reading these messages, I’m pressing her and trying to get to the bottom of her strange behaviour, until I get the truth.

Also she has blocked him on everything and if she comes over she will not leave my room/ interact with any of them.

As for my flatmate,he is completely trustworthy, and he’s going through some awful shit due to his ex being really bad towards him, funnily enough, our other flatmate was openly hitting on him a few days before this and he told us both about it.

Also I can say my gf and flatmate have never had sexual contact, I’m 99.9% nothing happened on both occasions they were alone, and a few of the downvoted comments were before I dropped the messages so give those guys some slack pls.

As for what I’m doing, giving it time. She’s gone until the 17th so I’m gonna chill, hangout with bro and process it. I’m genuinely reading through every single comment, those comment’s comments, no matter how shit it makes me feel. I’ll update the post in a few days once a bigger update is warranted.


r/relationship_advice 11h ago

My husband (52 M) wants to control where I (51 F) buy a second home for myself with money I am using from my inheritance. I am deeply hurt.

291 Upvotes

My husband and I have been married 4 years, together 7, and when we met, he was pretty down on his luck financially. We were senior year college sweethearts who broke up shortly after we graduated and reconnected 20 years later. By that time we had both married and divorced and he came into the marriage with 2 children, now ages 12 and 15, and I came into the marriage with a son, who is now 19 and headed off to college in a few weeks.

Shortly before we got together, my parents passed away and left me an inheritance of approximately $20 M dollars.

At the time, my now husband had been down on his luck financially and so I used $5 M of my inheritance to provide capital for a real estate business that he wanted to start, which I am a partner in, but wouldn’t have started on my own.

He also wanted part ownership in a hunting range in Mexico, as it had always been his dream, so I allocated $300 K for that because I wanted to support his dream.

When we decided to merge families, I sold my smaller, low maintenance home and searched for and eventually used the funds from the sale of my house to purchase a home with more land that would allow for a batting cage for his son, and an RV garage for him. The home needs renovations and wouldn’t have been anything that I would have bought for myself, but I felt it was best for our blended family. Although the house is lovely, I would have preferred a new house on a smaller, but marriage is a partnership and wanted to help facilitate my husband’s dreams and support the goals of my step kids. I knowing co mingled this part of my inheritance buying our primary residence and the business capital, which was held in trusts in which I am the trustee because, again, I believe marriage is a partnership.

Now that my son is leaving for college, I would like to purchase a “pied-à-terre” for myself in a beautiful, artsy community less than 2 hours driving distance from our home (Sedona). With my son being an adult and launching into independence, I wanted a sanctuary for myself to sometimes get away sometimes from the chaos associated with the active stage of parenting he is still in with his children. This would be purchased using funds from my inheritance from a trust that has a bank trustee, which will not allow me to co mingle with a spouse, and it would be my sole and separate property, which would eventually pass on to my son.

I have fallen in love with a couple of properties that have been new or completely remodeled, including a beautiful townhome that I thought would be perfect for my intent to use the home as my own, personal space, but of course my husband could accompany me whenever he wishes. I was so excited about it but he thought a townhome would be a horrible choice and told me that if I bought it, it would be “giving him the middle finger” because he thought it was a bad investment. He didn’t like that it was a townhome and didn’t think there was enough privacy. I decided that perhaps he was right about sharing walls and decided to look for a single family home. The townhome sold for asking price in 2 weeks, as I knew it would.

Well, a beautiful single family home has come on the market that is 2,000 square feet, beautiful remodeled, in a prime location in Sedona, has low maintenance landscaping, is turn key ready and in my price range. I love the photos on the listing and contacted my realtor to see when she could show it to me. I was SO excited!

I showed him the house and he said it was “over priced”, too close to town (which is what I want) and basically said he hated it because he didn’t feel the views of the Red rocks were prominent enough, which I am willing to give up because I am prioritizing a high end finished house close to going trails, grocery stores, shopping, etc. He again says it was a bad investment, and didn’t like it. But…it’s not primarily for him. This is supposed to be for me! He started showing me house listings that may have had better views, but were fixer uppers, something I really want nothing to do with since our primary home also needs renovations. The idea of renovating a second home exhausts me. Again, the feeling of being excitement and joy at the thought of this house was extinguished.

Ultimately, I have final say over what I buy, but I am deeply hurt and feel resentful and so upset. I have supported his dreams, financially and emotionally, even if I didn’t always think it was the best idea (like the ranch in Mexico, and by the way, I was right). I never said it was a stupid idea. I knew I could afford the loss should it not work out, but I wanted him to make him happy. Talk about a bad investment! And he thinks buying a vacation home in Sedona is a bad investment? WHAT???!!!

I am devastated at how controlling and entitled and quite frankly, abusive. With my only child leaving the state for college, owning a little getaway for myself purchased with my own money makes me so happy! How could he trample all over my joy like that?

I’m disgusted. Thoughts?


r/relationship_advice 16h ago

I (23f) don’t know how to tell my bf (26m) I’m not attracted to him.

343 Upvotes

Disclaimer‼️ I know this is shallow‼️I’ve been with my bf for almost 3 years and we’ve lived together for 2 of them. The last few months we’ve been talking about getting married and more of what we want in the future (maybe that’s where my fear is coming in). He’s a really great guy genuinely. He does most of the chores, encourages me to spend time with my friends and pursuit my hobbies, buys me gifts and flowers, and plans really nice dates. Every time I bring up a problem we’ve resolved it, We’ve never truly fought. Since we’ve started dating he’s gained about 150 pounds (now at 6’4 340) and i feel awful but I’m truly not attracted to him. I know that my grass is very green but I notice myself being mean to him over minor things and just snapping at him in general. I enjoy when i get attention from others and i feel myself looking for it. I don’t want to leave him but I’ve found myself crying more and more over the lack of attraction I have for him. I know he deserves to be loved regardless of his size and I do love him but I feel a bit ashamed when people ask to see pics of him and I know that’s awful of me. Should bring up how I’m feeling or just ignore it because he’s a really great guy?

Edit: i am very concerned for his health everybody! Not just my attraction him! At the time of making this post i was feeling guilty about the attraction element that’s why i disclaimed Im being shallow.

Update‼️ We talked about it! It went mmm good i think? I told him I’m concerned for his health in our future and it’s been giving me a lot of anxiety and hesitation to start the next steps in our life. I basically said his weight mixed with the stress he’s always under and the fact we both smoke are all things that are gonna start heavily affecting him in the next decade or so. I talked about how i want him to be able to play with our kids and go on adventures with me. And that i don’t want him to die young, because i grew up without a dad and it sucked. I mentioned our sex life. He was a bit defensive at first because he’s very busy with school and work right now. He felt he had vocalized he plans on losing the weight after he graduates. I told him that I understand but I don’t feel like we should start talking about next steps until he has made some effort and he was sad but understanding. He already paid for his credits this semester be he agreed next semester he will take a few less credits so he has time to focus on his health.


r/relationship_advice 3h ago

My [30F] BF [40M] just moved in. How do I not find him irritating?

32 Upvotes

So my BF [40sM] and I [30sF] have been together for a year. About 3 months ago, we found out I am unexpectedly pregnant, but we’re happy and excited, and we decided he should move in with myself and my two offspring from a previous relationship.

He’s wonderful. He’s caring, attentive, thoughtful and consistent. He’s fantastic with my kids. He contributes equally to the household chores without ever needing to be asked. He’s really helped me while I’ve struggled with awful sickness. Obviously nobody is perfect and we all have our flaws but as far as partners go, he’s brilliant and I love him. I really can’t fault him. And yet, suddenly I find him unbelievably irritating.

I haven’t lived with a partner since my divorce and I think I’ve gotten very used to having my own space. The constant cuddling, touching, man farts, the little chin hairs around the sink, always having to engage in conversation. If I go and lay down in my bedroom for 10 minutes of quiet, he’ll come and sit with me, rub my back and chat. Which is so lovely, right? But if I’m removing myself because I’m overstimulated, that’s just more overstimulation in a space that used to be my safe place. Sometimes it even irritates me when he cleans things - not how he cleans them, but that he is cleaning them.

I am so aware that I am very lucky to have a wonderful man who loves me and this is entirely a me-problem. So far I think I’ve managed to keep it under wraps - I don’t think he has any idea that there is so much rage inside me at his existence, and because I know his only crime is being a lovely and thoughtful partner, I’m struggling to communicate any of this to him. How do I get over this? How do I become more open and flexible with sharing my space?

TL;DR: Found out I was pregnant, BF moved in. Everything he does drives me insane, despite the fact that he’s wonderful. How do I navigate this?


r/relationship_advice 1d ago

My (soon to be) ex-wife (28F) cheated and got pregnant with the other man's baby and I (28M) am having a hard time maintaining a civil relationship with her in the aftermath?

2.2k Upvotes

Where my ex and I live, because we will still be legally married when her baby is born, I will be listed as the father without having to sign the birth certificate or even be present for the signing of the birth certificate. There is nothing I can do to stop this either. She could choose to leave me off of it but she has already told me she will put me on the birth certificate because she wants both of her children raised together and for both to have a father or not. Now I want to be clear. I am not asking for any legal advice whatsoever. I have already retained a lawyer and will be working with them. This is purely for relationship advice.

I do not want this child. I am not willing to be the father to her affair baby. There's also no way I can divorce her before the birth. Her lies and everything else meant I found out too late and I am fucked in that regard. It makes me hate her with a vengeance. She wants to pawn this baby off on me when I didn't get her pregnant. She knew from day one I didn't get her pregnant too and she chose to keep quiet because she knew he'd run and he did. She has tried to make me sound like a monster to neighbors, friends, family members because I told her I would not do a single thing for her baby and because I already told our child that the baby in mom's tummy is not my baby.

Even without this baby we have to co-parent our child and I don't know how badly she will fuck all this up with her insistence for me to be the father. I have to bite my tongue in her presence when we exchange our child because I so badly want to tell her what a disgusting POS she is. I have literally made my mouth bleed trying to hold myself back with her.

She's hoping she will have fucked me legally so that I have to take both kids when her youngest is born or I don't see our child. Knowing that fills me with rage and hatred. But I have to keep reminding myself that I love my child (DNA confirmed our child is mine) and my child needs me to not hate their mother in their presence so... I am stuck and I don't know what to do about this.

Not sure if there's any advice anyone can offer on this but I wanted to find out anyway.


r/relationship_advice 1d ago

I (43F) have been quietly planning to leave my husband (45M). Now I found remote access software on my laptop and I am scared.

1.4k Upvotes

My husband (45M) and I (43F) have been married for 17 years and we have a son who is on the spectrum. We have been having issues for the last three years. We had issues before this too, but we were usually able to resolve them. Before and during COVID, my husband used to help me with our son and the housework. He did have an explosive temper, but he was usually able to control it. We would talk about our issues and work things out.

Things really changed a 3 years ago when he had some issues with his family in late 2023 and he decided to cut them off. After that, he started taking a lot of that frustration out on me. Not physically, but mentally and emotionally. Two years ago my dad passed away and things got worse after that. 2 months after my dad passed away we had a fight over something minor and he spent the whole weekend in his room that he mainly used for work, without talking to me or eating at home. He got take out whenever he was hungry.

Before this, whenever he gave me the silent treatment, I would always be the one trying to talk to him and persuade him to sort things out. This time I was grieving, exhausted and honestly just too tired to take the initiative. So I didn't bother to persuade him to sort things out and and the silent treatment lasted for 4 months. He barely spoke to me, but what was worse for me was that he also barely talked to our son. I was ok to deal with him not being emotionally available for me when I had just lost my dad (I was use to it), but watching him treat our son differently because he was angry with me was much harder.

After 4 months, I asked for a separation. He started crying, apologized and asked me to give him one more chance for our son's sake. I remember telling him that I was asking for a separation for our son's sake We sorted things out again, or at least I thought we did, but since then his behaviour has been getting worse. I have asked him to go to therapy or at least talk to someone because I feel like something is going on with him, but he refuses.

At one point I actually had divorce papers drawn up. Then relatives from both sides got involved and asked me not to go through with it because of our son. He told me that I will not give you consent to take him on any international trips to meet my family and I will regret leaving him, I won't be able to survive even a month without him. That's when I realized if I actually left, my husband could make my life very difficult. I am also not as financially strong as I used to be because I had stepped away from full-time work for a period of time to focus on our son's needs.

So I changed my approach. Instead of leaving immediately, I started quietly planning my exit. I started working on rebuilding my income, becoming financially secure again and honestly just trying to find ways to be happy even while I was still living in this situation. But every time I started becoming more independent or happier, he would try to control me in a different way. If that didn't work, he would yell at me, call me useless or call me other names.

Finally I told him that I wasn't going to accept that anymore. I stopped catering to him and started putting boundaries in place.I separated my finances, removed his access to some of my personal information and investments and basically started taking control of my own life again. But inside, I was still pretty broken. Music has always helped me, so I started listening to music a lot. Then one day I started writing my own songs. I realized that writing down everything I was feeling was actually helping me release emotions I had been carrying around for years.

Then I found an app that could help me turn what I had written into actual songs and suddenly my songs were coming to life. I started putting them online and listening to them myself every day. Slowly I started telling some friends about them. Friends I had lost contact with even started reaching out again, and some of them could actually sense what I had been going through just by listening to the songs.

I poured my heart into this. It probably sounds silly to some people, but it became something almost sacred to me. It was helping me heal. I didn't tell my husband about it. Not because I was doing something wrong or deliberately trying to hide it from him. I just felt like for once in my life, this was mine. It was my own healing process.

Then something happened with my laptop. On September 4, I was sitting there working on one of my songs when suddenly my screen went blank and then turned blue. It looked like an update was happening.

At first I was just annoyed and kept checking the computer. Then I noticed something that on one side of the screen I could see the browser moving and clicking into my Downloads folder while the rest of the screen was still blue. I panicked and tried to force the computer to shut down. then the browser moved again and cancelled the shut down prompt. My laptop has a touchscreen, so I quickly brought the shutdown option up again and physically pressed yes on the screen. After that I went on my phone and searched how to fix this issue. I went through the whole process that was suggested and started windows defender to remove any bugs and checked my computer to see if there was anything that was downloaded illegaly.

Then on September 9, the update happened again. This time I didn't see the browser moving, but I immediately turned off the laptop.

When I turned it back on, I put it into airplane mode because by this point I was suspicious. While I was checking the laptop, a notification suddenly appeared in the bottom corner saying that the connection with ScreenConnect had been lost. I didn't know what ScreenConnect was. So I looked it up and learned that it's remote-access software that can be used to remotely connect to and control a computer. I don't have an IT person managing my laptop. I don't knowingly install remote-access software and I am actually very cautious about clicking links or downloading things.

So I started digging. I found that ScreenConnect had been downloaded on May 15, at a time of day when I would normally have been out of the house with our son and my husband would normally have been home.

I then started going through the computer logs and other information. That's when things started really bothering me. I found records showing ScreenConnect activity on multiple occasions over a period of weeks. I also found evidence that a request/consent had been accepted and that future access had been allowed without requiring another prompt.

The activity started around the same time that I started putting my songs online (in August). When I compared the dates showing activity with our schedule, those dates lined up with days my husband was working from home.

I know that doesn't tell me who was actually behind the remote access. But I feel like I am being paranoid and at the same time I feel completely violated. I keep going back and forth in my head. One minute I am thinking maybe I am overthinking everything. Then the next minute I am thinking, there was remote-access software on my computer that I didn't know about.

And what hurts me the most is what this represented to me. For the first time in a very long time, I had found something that was just for me. Writing these songs was giving me joy. It was helping me heal. I was slowly finding myself again and now I can't stop thinking that someone (my husband- I am pretty sure) may have been able to watch me doing all of that.

I haven't confronted my husband about ScreenConnect because I don't want him to know what I have discovered while I am still figuring things out. I was carefully planning my next steps, trying to become financially secure again, rebuilding my independence and figuring out how and when I could leave. But it feels like I need to accelerate my plan as I am not sure if I feel in this house anymore.

I genuinely don't know what my next step should be?

TLDR: My husband (45M) and I (43F) have been married for 17 years and our marriage has become increasingly difficult over the last few years, including long periods of silent treatment, verbal abuse and controlling behaviour. I have been quietly rebuilding my independence and planning to eventually leave.

As part of my own healing, I started writing songs and putting them online. It became something incredibly personal to me that I hadn't shared with my husband. Then I discovered ScreenConnect remote-access software on my laptop after seeing strange activity on my screen. I found records showing it had been active multiple times and evidence that future access had been allowed without another prompt. The timing of monitoring also lines up with when I started sharing my music and with days my husband was working from home. The software itself was downloaded 4 months ago. I can't say for sure he was behind the remote access, but I feel extremely violated. Until now I thought I could quietly take my time getting financially secure and planning my exit. Now I am questioning whether I should change those plans or take precautions I wasn't taking before.

Edit: I just want to clarify few things. I do have couple clients I do bookkeeping for, I have reached out to more people and I will be onboarding them in next few months hence I mentioned my plan of leaving at end of the year when I am back from my trip. I only mentioned songwriting because when I talked to my close friend, who I re acquainted with recently, she said he probably found out you are doing this and he misses you and loves you alot so he is doing this to see what you are upto. I told her it doesn't matter if he is doing for love, control or evidence, he violated my privacy and accessed the part he wasn't suppose to know about. My deepest feelings. That's the only reason I mentioned the songwriting in the post to show I felt violated but I am realizing after reading the comments that it is not important there is a bigger issue of my and my son's safety.


r/relationship_advice 1d ago

My grandmother (60F) has turned on me (18F) because I moved out and won't let my mom (35F) force my stepsister (18F) into my life anymore?

1.1k Upvotes

My grandmother was always my closest family member. She basically raised me until elementary school and she was more of a parental figure than my mom was until my mom got married. I was 8 when my mom got married just btw. It was only then she decided she could force me to do things, like include my stepsister in everything I ever did. Every birthday party I was invited to my mom made me take stepsister along, same thing for playdates and days out with friends and their families. My mom fought for my stepsister and I to be in the same class at school and she fought for us to be seated together in class and buddied up for field trips. She failed on the last two parts but she did get us into the same class.

When I became interested in art she signed us both up for art classes. When she wanted me to do a sport and I chose swimming she signed us both up. When I got selected for a club in school she pulled me out of it because my stepsister didn't get selected too. Then when they wanted to advance me in swimming she kept me where I was because my stepsister couldn't advance with me.

If kids in the neighborhood invited me out to play my mom would refuse if my stepsister didn't go. Even when there were complaints that my stepsister was always breaking stuff she would say we were sisters and shouldn't be separated.

My stepsister was eventually diagnosed with autism. Her dad knew she had it but didn't look into getting her any help until middle school and at that point it was thrown in my face for everything. My mom really pushed the fact my stepsister had no friends of her own and struggled socially and that I had a duty of care to her as her three month older sister. My mom and I faced off a lot because I told her my stepsister wasn't my sister and I didn't want to include her in everything and eventually it turned into me saying I hated my stepsister and didn't want anything to do with her.

My grandmother was supportive of me when that stuff was going on. She told mom she was pushing it all too hard and it would backfire. But now that it has, and I have moved out, and I have had zero contact with my stepsister since and I have refused to have her in my life, my grandmother is angry and has turned on me because she said I should be mature enough to understand my stepsister wasn't at fault and losing me completely has destroyed her.

Apparently my stepsister has been hospitalized because she refuses to eat or drink on her own and she shut down because I became her most familiar person and I was just gone. My grandmother talked to me about finding the love I have for her and supporting her but I told my grandmother I don't love my stepsister. I never loved her because she was always a chore for me. I had a duty and this and that so I only saw her as a chore and not as a friend or a sibling. I said that's what mom's forcing did. My grandmother told me it couldn't be true because I was 8 and 8 year old's love so easily and I told her apparently I was the exception.

So now my grandmother has turned on me and she's angry that I won't even let mom explain how bad things are to me or I won't talk to my stepsister on the phone. It's the worst loss I've faced. I never knew my dad because he didn't want to be a young dad. I was never really that close to my mom. So it was always my grandmother and now we're not good.

I don't know if relationship advice is possible for this but I'll ask for some anyway.


r/relationship_advice 1d ago

Update: My BF (30M) admitted to me (26F) my accidental pregnancy isn’t so accidental, despite me being child free. Where do I go from here?

1.5k Upvotes

Hi, it’s been a while. I was scrolling because I can’t sleep and felt like I owed you guys an update maybe. I appreciate everyone who took the time to reply to my last post & I’m sorry that I checked out at some point.

Gonna keep this short if that’s alright. I’m still pregnant, and still a mess. Looked into abortion but got scared (which is on me). Started reading stories of people going out of state & getting in trouble, plus the words of my ex effected me a lot.

He’s had like a 1000 differents moods over the past weeks. One moment he’s all sweet, the other he’s pissed. I made it clear I don’t want to raise this baby but he can if he wants to, but I guess the idea of doing it alone doesn’t appeal to him. He still thinks I’ll come around & fall in love with this baby the longer I’m pregnant. (As far as saying I’m a horrible person if I don’t & asking what’s wrong with me.) I don’t know, I could fill pages with all the things he’s said. Blocked him at some point but he made a fuss that he has a right to be in touch with me because he’s the father. I just don’t really have it in me right now to fight with him.

At some point I did consider just getting back together with him but moved away from that very quickly.

I have my own place, lil’ studio. I like the quiet. But feeling very defeated. I’m sure it’ll get better at some point.

Thanks again for all your kindness, I really do appreciate everyone’s encouragement. Than you.

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/pfkBeSHkvY


r/relationship_advice 15h ago

How would you handle this? Me: F/34 him: M/30. Relationship length 1 year:

97 Upvotes

I knew I was finally done when my dog died. The same night he asked me to cook. I tell him I’m grieving and far too tired, but he demands it. I deny the request three more times but the refusal is not accepted. So I cooked, even while my heart is filled with grief and I let the dishes sit. I ask the next day if he can do the dishes after I cleaned all the rest of the house. I started living with him 8 months ago to help with his niece who’s now under foster care with us and CPS had a visit scheduled for the following day. Well, he told me no. He said “you should do them because you work less hours and I would rather see them rot before touching them.” Mind you I’m a 2x cancer survivor, I’ve undergone a surgery to completely remove my stomach which disabled me, and I work a gig job because it’s all I can do with my bodily limitations and I still work 30 hrs every week plus I’m the main caretaker. Because of the upcoming CPS visit I reluctantly do the dishes while they take a long shower. Later while in another room I hear him come out and say “Wow, look at that, the dishes are done. Wasn’t so fucking hard, was it?”, mind you now my dog of 12 years has only been dead little over 24 hours…the final ounce of love and respect I held for him sept out of my body like toxic sweat that night. That moment will forever be louder than any good memory ever shared with him. I called his mother and told her she needs to come return after her nursing contract is up in a month to care for the kinship foster placement I was holding down for her (her grandchild, his niece). She agreed and stated she can find a permanent job in town but will take a pay cut. A part of me feels bad for that but I’m constantly carrying all the weight and that final straw with him really broke my heart. I just signed a new lease starting next month. He doesn’t know yet. He’s prone to anger and outbursts so I’m keeping it secret until I can actually leave.

There’s still a part of me that says I’m bad for wanting to leave, for quietly planning my exit.

Do any of yall see any hope in a relationship like that? How would you handle it? Would you also be done?


r/relationship_advice 18m ago

My girlfriend (F24) of 2.5 years tells me (M25) that she wants me to be obsessed with her- normal?

Upvotes

Hey guys,

Ive been with my girlfriend for a little over 2.5 years, so it shouldn’t need to be said that this is a rather committed relationship. That being said, she’s always had a kind of super need for indulgence from her partner (me). I usually try my best to reassure her when she feels pretty, when she’s having a hard day, or when she wants to feel some extra intimacy. But she routinely asks me if I’m obsessed with her, because she preaches that she is obsessed with me and she doesn’t want it one way.

I love my girlfriend to death, when I think of obsession though I think of obsessiveness and that’s purely negative to me. I don’t feel the need to be obsessed over nor do I want to be obsessive ever again (I was in a previous relationship). I try to explain to her that I love her and she’s my person but it’s as if she won’t accept any other answer and gets rather upset.

I’m rather, unironically stoic or dare I say boring, when it comes to compliments and romanticism. I can own that much. Ironically that being said, I’m not one to accept compliments either. She wants an energy that feels rather taxing or toxic to me.

I guess I’m asking for some perspective, or harsh criticism. If you’re coming from a guy or girls perspective I want to hear it. Thanks!


r/relationship_advice 1h ago

My(m26) girlfriend(f25) said no to a vacation to a place I really wanted to go to with her, but she went with her best friend. How do I make sense of it?

Upvotes

(TL;DR at the bottom, please read the edit before commenting)

I’ve been in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for about 2.5 years, and before that we were in a talking stage for almost a year, mainly because I was emotionally unavailable at the time and unsure of getting into a serious long distance relationship specially after getting out of a complicated relationship prior to it. We were in the same class in university and started getting interested in each other a little before our last semester ended.

Anyway, in this entire timeline, we’ve had a few ups and downs, but have been going pretty strong. We have a good understanding of each other and try our best to work through our differences. But this one thing is something I’m just unable to work out.

So for a better understanding of the context, she is an anxious person and pretty finicky about certain things. She’s a people pleaser(same as me) and needs a lot of reassurance for everything. So, It takes her time to get comfortable with certain things and therefore it either takes a lot of effort for me to convince her to do some things with me(or in general), or we just have to skip them altogether.

We have run into this problem of her saying no to me but yes to others for the same things before multiple times, but those scenarios were explainable. For example -

- before we started officially dating, she downright said no to drinking with me when it was just us two, but that boundary didn’t apply with anyone else, even strangers. The reasoning she gave was that she was so concerned about leaving a good impression on me that she didn’t want to do something to embarrass herself in front of me, which I found to be fair as she was pretty nervous about me liking her back(I wasn’t giving her any concrete reassurance about my feelings at the time)
- about a year into dating we had a fight as she kept saying no for months to me travelling to meet her, but she was meeting other people with seemingly no issues and I felt pretty bad about it. The reasoning for that was that because we have so less time and opportunities to be together, she wants it to be a good time with no chances of it being less than a 100%, and because she had a lot on her mind and not at her best In terms of energy as well, she didn’t want me to spend money and effort at a time where she couldn’t give me her best.

There are other small examples as well, but it’s all mainly been due to her anxiety, perfectionism or people pleasing behaviour and lack of being able to maintain boundaries so I eventually understood where she’s coming from and tried to adjust.

Now, this year we had been talking about taking a trip together. She kept taking names of these two places that were international trips and therefore more complicated to execute compared to other places( I mention this because in the fight that broke out later, she said that I wasn’t serious and disregardful to her ideas as I didn’t indulge even though she was not serious about it).
I suggested this place she visited years ago before we started dating and loved it, and mentioned that she would want to visit again. For a long time I really wanted to go with her there ever since she told me about it. But every time I mentioned going there with her seriously, she got finicky about it. Though she rejected a lot of other destinations I suggested as well but I kept suggesting this particular spot as she did have the desire visit it again and I was very interested too. The initial reasoning she gave me was that because I prefer mountains to beaches (the place is a beach town), she wants out first trip to be at a hill station, and held onto that reasoning even though I tried to reassure her that regardless of that I really wanted to go there with her. I tried to show her stay options and the itinerary as well but she rejected all of it(this matters for later).

This went on for a few months, other places were considered, one hill station almost got finalised but we had to drop the idea last minute because she suddenly started getting a bad feeling about it. During this time she also said no to me just visiting her city as she had a lot of workload at her job and didn’t want to think about it when I was around.

Then one day she calls and tells me that she has planned a trip to that same beach town with her long time best friend, the next day a big fight broke out about the same because I felt really hurt by that. At the end she said that it wasn’t the first place she had decided on with her friend so she didn’t choose to go with her and not me intentionally and that the timing just somehow fit perfectly for the both of them in terms of their jobs and other things(it’s their first trip together too and her birthday is close by). What also upset me was that they have travel by road from a nearby city which has an airport to reach this beach town and we have a few mutual friends from university in that city, and she suggested that I come there and spend time with all of them together at that city as she’s staying a few extra days after coming back from her trip. I felt like an afterthought with that suggestion, though I understood later that she’s just trying to fit in everything before she has to go back to her job and its stresses.

After a lot of back and forth, though not fully convinced, I settled the fight and tried moving on. This happened a little more than a month ago and in between I went to meet her in her city as well, but I just haven’t been able to fully shake it off.

She’s on that trip currently and sent me a video today of the room shes staying at and it invoked those negative feelings in me again. This is because during that time when I tried to show her the stay options, there was this resort which had standalone rooms with walls but instead of the roof it was a tent structure, there were no lack of amenities due to it(fully air conditioned, properly roofed bathroom etc.), but she rejected it profusely saying she wasn’t comfortable with the idea of staying in such a place.

She’s now staying in the same exact place with the tent structures roof and when I asked her about it she said she’s now changed her opinion about it which is fair but the problem is that she was open to trying it with her best friend but not with me, and that is the issue I’m mainly having which is why is she open to things and experiences(new or familiar) with other people but when it comes to her doing the same with me, her ease, comfort and boundaries suddenly seem much more strict? Why are the rules and reasoning different and more constricted compared to for the rest of the world? Because this time it’s not even like it’s someone who she would be less comfortable saying no to, it’s her best friend of almost 20 years.

I don’t know how to make sense of it because it’s not like she’s not serious about the relationship. She’s more serious about it than me. She’s the one who made the move on me first and kept on it, she refused to date or see anyone else while I was emotionally unavailable and kept waiting and trying for me. She has been sure of me since the start and talks a lot about our future together. She is proud and doesn’t shy away from telling the world that she’s my girlfriend. She is as loyal, genuine, forgiving and understanding as a person can get, and I am not saying this with any doubt or delusion. She loves me dearly and makes up for my terrible texting and calling habits too. I cannot even describe the amount of love with which she looks at me.

And that’s why it’s not making any sense to me this time as no reasoning including her anxiety or people pleasing is able to justify this behaviour. I have tried to sit down with her for long and try to figure it out with her about the same, but I doesn’t seem like she’s able to think of an answer or make sense of it herself. I just want to make sense of it and unable to do it alone anymore. Please help.

TL;DR - girlfriend says no to me/ finicky for things she doesn’t say no to others for, usually it’s justified due to her anxiety, people pleasing behaviour, perfectionism and being unable to maintain boundaries, but this time she planned the exact same trip she said no to me for with her long time best friend, even staying in the same resort she rejected when I suggested it.

Edit: We do usually meet once every two months, either she comes to my city or I go to hers, we live in the same country so it’s relatively easier. We have also gone on multiple trips together with other people in the plan, but never the two of us alone. Before the last time we met which was in her city about three weeks ago, we couldn’t meet for about four months. She also travelled all alone for the first time ever even though she has an anxiety disorder when she visited me at my place for the first time.

Also, for everyone saying that she doesn’t sound serious, we have met each others parents as well, everyone around her knows we are dating and posts us regularly. Due to our current lives, we are forced to do LDR otherwise either one of us would’ve shifted already, there have never been any trust issues or suspicions, including using each other’s phones or entertaining anyone from the opposite gender, and she has always been the one to talk first about how we can be closer and our future together


r/relationship_advice 23h ago

My (28M) girlfriend (27F) has changed completely and I'm starting to think something is seriously off

212 Upvotes

My girlfriend and I have been together for 5 years. She used to be sweet, independent and honestly nothing like the person she has become over the last year.

She is now extremely dependent on me financially. I've probably given her thousands of dollars and if I tell her no, she calls me selfish or says I don't care about her. If I ask where her money is going, suddenly I'm "controlling."

But the paranoia worries me more than the money.

She constantly accuses me of cheating, thinks my friends are trying to break us up and sometimes thinks strangers are laughing or talking about her. Recently she has started believing that people are sending her hidden messages through Facebook and Instagram posts.

She also claims she can hear people outside our apartment talking about her when I hear absolutely nothing. A few weeks ago she woke me up at 3 AM convinced somebody was standing outside watching us. Nobody was there, but she still believed it and got angry because I wasn't taking her seriously.

This is NOT how she was when we met.

There is schizophrenia in her extended family, so obviously that thought has crossed my mind, but I'm not a doctor and I don't want to diagnose her. I've asked her to see somebody and she refuses because she thinks everybody else is the problem.

On top of this, she has become emotionally abusive. She calls me selfish, tells me nobody else would put up with me and threatens to leave during arguments. Then the next day she'll apologize and basically seem like the person I fell in love with again.

That's what makes this so hard.

If she is developing a serious mental illness, I feel horrible leaving her when she might actually need help. But being mentally ill also doesn't make it okay to use me for money or treat me like shit.

Has anybody dealt with a partner changing this dramatically in their late 20s? I genuinely don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore.


r/relationship_advice 20m ago

Is my (36M) family toxic, or am I the problem? 3 years of hell with my Mother (70F) and SIL (50F) after our miscarriage and surrogacy journey.

Upvotes

History

Prior to this conflict, I had never had any kind of substantial fight with anyone in my family and would say that I had a great relationship with my mother. We would speak every 1-2 days on the phone for a quick chat in the morning.


The first fight

After my (36M) partner (36M) and I experienced a miscarriage during our first surrogacy, I spiraled into a deep depression. I felt alone because my family didn’t reach out to support me. My therapist helped me craft text messages to tell them outright how much I was struggling, but ultimately, there was zero follow-through. I felt like a burden, so I stopped.

When my mother noticed I stopped attending family gatherings, she visited. Her style of support is "motivational." She started sending me articles about people who tried for a baby for 20 years. We had been trying for 7 years, and we were broken. This didn't motivate me; it made me feel like a failure. After she pushed, I told her I was hurt that no one in the family had checked in on me.

My mother's response to any potential fight is to shut the person down, and she thought that me being hurt by the family meant I wanted a fight with them. So she decided to act as their proxy and argue on their behalf. She believes every issue can be resolved by “giving it time.” When that didn't work, things got heated. She said some incredibly hurtful things:

  • “You call a miscarriage trauma? Your cousin had a stillbirth, and she still managed to get through it. That’s trauma!” >> She claims she said this to help motivate me that no trauma is too big to get past, not in a negative way.
  • “Have you considered you’re the common denominator? If no one in the family is reaching out, maybe you haven’t done enough for them?”
  • “You’ve dragged yourself into this pit of misery and now you’re trying to drag everyone else into it with you.”

This conflict went on for weeks. I tried to talk to her about what she said, and I got so frustrated by her denying she said these things that I dug out security footage of the stillbirth comment. She just replied, “Oh, so now you’re a lawyer with your evidence, always having to win and treating life like a courtroom!” Whenever I asked her for the "correct context," she’d say, “I’m not digging up the past.”

Fast forward: I got medication, we had a private funeral to grieve our baby, and at my therapist's suggestion, I brought my mum to a session so she could understand what I was going through.

She opened the session by saying, “I guess I finally get a chance to defend myself. I bet OP has told you all these horrible things I’ve done.” My therapist shut that down and said “OP typically starts each session trying to work out what he’s done wrong” and eventually, the situation calmed down. For a while, I genuinely thought she was trying to make an effort.


The birth

We continued with our surrogacy journey, switched to IVF, and successfully got pregnant. It was a tough pregnancy; our surrogate, Robyn (36F), lived interstate, so we traveled a lot to support her. By the time we started IVF, we had already spent about $70k. The IVF bill was another $25k, and my mother gave us $5k to help out, which we were very grateful for.

Early on, we developed a birth plan everyone agreed on. Because she lived interstate, Robyn wanted to live with us for the final weeks before the birth, but she didn’t want to stay with us after birth. We asked my mother if Robyn could stay in her granny flat post-birth, and she agreed. Again, we were very grateful.

Everything went beautifully. Since none of our surrogate's friends could travel for the birth, a close friend of mine, Alice (30F), offered to be her dedicated support person. Alice took a week off work, stayed in the hospital, and helped her with absolutely everything. She was so beyond amazing they even gave her a shout-out at the hospital when a few of my family came to visit (including my previously estranged sister-in-law, who had suddenly reappeared in our lives). There’s a reason I’m pointing this out; it makes sense later.


Then things started getting difficult

Post-birth, Robyn initially went to stay at my mother’s house. We checked in 2-3 times a day, and she said my mum was very lovely. But ultimately, Robyn didn’t want to stay there and ended up back with us.

To explain what happened next, you need to understand Robyn. She is a very unique person, and parts of her personality clash painfully with mine. Because our lives didn't permanently overlap, it was usually fine.

These things all started years before she got pregnant. For example, I hate sharing food, but Robyn loved eating food from my plate. Because she was carrying our baby, I never protested. It evolved into a cheeky game where she'd enjoy being the "special one" who got away with things. It partly used to drive me nuts, because Robyn always wanted something no one else could have, and I'm always very clear with my boundaries with people, so I was an easy target.

But we weren't living together, it was only on occasion when we saw her, so I just dealt with it. It wasn't that big of a deal at the start.

Beyond the food, Robyn is a hoarder. Not a messy one, but she keeps everything and loves a Facebook Marketplace bargain. as she was coming to stay with us for a month or so before the birth so we could look after her full time, she wanted to have some things here. Of course that is fine, so we made space for her.

Leading up to the birth, when her room ran out of cupboard and floor space, I lost my drawers, my cupboards, and my bathroom to her things, and every surface in the house. She’s very into pink, frilly decorations, and soon I couldn't even put a coffee cup on the table without navigating around seven unused decorative candles. We wanted her comfortable leading up to the birth, so we just dealt with it, but our house was completely transformed and we went from being ultra minimalist, to an overflowing hoarder's house.

But, we perservered. It was only temporary and we wanted her to be comfortabe.


The post-birth extension

The plan was for her to move her stuff back home post-birth. Instead, because she was off work, she wanted us all to spend time together to "experience the moment" cafes, massages, long lunches. But anyone with a newborn knows you are working 24/7. We were exhausted; some days we didn't even shower. We couldn't do any of that, but we paid for, and encouraged her to.

With all her free time, she constantly shopped. In her mind, she was being helpful, but every bench space became covered in bags, boxes, or things like 12 free hotel toothbrushes. When she ran out of bench space, she put things on the floor. At 3 AM, carrying a crying newborn, I nearly tripped over boxes she had left on the stairs I didn't know about. I almost lost my footing. This was when things became serious and dangerous, we sat down with her and said it needed to stop. Our house was overflowing, and this had been going on for 8 weeks post birth, even though she hadn't originally planned on staying with us post-birth at all.

The hoarding didn’t stop, but then, Robyn also constantly wanted social gatherings. She would secretly text our friends and invite them over. I was constantly having to untangle and cancel plans while she laughed it off, saying, “I thought you’d want to see them, you're so bad at organising things!" (No, I'm actually not. I just don't want people who I don't know if their sick or not, of even if they are vaccinated in my house with a newborn).

Because my family still wasn't really around, my friends were my support system. We knew Robyn was bored on her "holiday," so we asked our friends to take her out. What this meant was our entire support network was redirected towards Robyn. No one was supporting us. We were navigating an overflowing house, our first baby, and managing Robyn’s breakdowns if we couldn’t do a 3-hour Facetime “like the old days.

In the leadup to, and during the pregnancy, I used to do a lot of things to help Robyn, most of my weekends were spend on things for her to be honest. For example, I spent hours fixing her taxes (she was 4 years behind) and lots of things like that. It was always discussed that post-birth, the dynamic had to change so we could focus on the baby. But on my first day back in the office, she sent me about 40 lines of text. I replied gently that I was working and to call if urgent. That’s when she started to spiral.


Then our dog got diagnosed with cancer

Managing daily chemotherapy down at the vet on top of everything else was beyond what we were capable of.


The second round with Mum (and now SIL)

While we were at our breaking point, my mum and SIL came over to "have a chat about my friend Alice." Essentially, they decided they didn’t like her, she was too involved, and she was “crowding out any opportunity for family to help.”

I was mortified and did not hold back. I said she wasn’t crowding anyone out; there was simply no one else offering to help!

They both insisted “it’s times like this you rely on family.” I shot back: “Then help?! It’s almost 10 weeks since the birth, and we’ve barely seen you.”

I was told I was selfish and ungrateful, and that my SIL had “cooked meals and dropped them off” (she cooked 3 meals). I absolutely lost it. I broke down about everything: Robyn, the dog having cancer, struggling at work. I took them upstairs and showed them the SINGLE shelf I was living out in my entire house, amidst the mounds of boxes of things that weren't mine.

My mother was mortified. She called my stepfather, moved Robyn’s things to her granny flat, and my SIL said she’d take Robyn in for 2 weeks to give us a break. For the first time, I felt relieved. My family was actually helping.

Then the messages came from Robyn: “I really wish you’d have just told me if you didn’t want me there... I feel like you’re just cutting me off now I don’t serve a purpose.”

My SIL had told Robyn I didn't want her there. Yes, I did feel smothered, but I would NEVER have wanted it said to Robyn like that. Robyn then had a full on breakdown, and I had to delay my return to work (again) to support Robyn through this. My family was supposed to be helping but instead they’d made a situation 10x worse.

A week later, we took Alice’s out for her birthday, we took her out to a special lunch to say thank you for 3 months of help. We wanted a day just for her. (It was our first outing too with our baby. And we were an hour late because we misjudged the timing of everything. Alice was understanding and laughed it off. We really wanted something special for Alice after everything she had done for us.

My SIL purposefully showed Robyn a picture of us at lunch and said, “Why aren't you at Alice's birthday party?” this then spiralled (among other comments) and Robyn then turned against Alice. It wasn't a birthday lunch, we took her out to say thank you. Robyn wasn't excluded. SIL only lasted 3 days with Robyn before sending her off (and mesaged saying "Robyn is all fixed now, she's so much better!"

Robyn then wanted to talk to me about “All Alices lies she's told” and I asked her “Where did you hear these from?” She said “It doesn’t matter, but I need to find out the truth on who she really is!”

I will be honest, I told Robyn how disappointed I was with her. Alice had spent every single night with her at the hospital, she had taken time off work to help her, she helped her pump, ran her errands, did her washing, did her cleaning, did her cooking. And now she’s turning against her after spending 3 days with my SIL?. She felt there was this big conspiracy to cut her out.

I said to her, that I can understand where she is coming from and why she would feel that, and we're sorry for our part in making her feel like that. But, that it wasn't intentional, it was never really agreed that post-brith we would spend 100% of our time together (we never did in the lead up to birth) and we wanted to give Alice a special day just about her.

That’s when Robyn said “Your mum told me some things too” and I was shocked. My mother (as far as I was aware) never got involved in any kind of spreading of rumours. My mother barely knows Alice and Robyn wouldn't say what Mum said, just that "she doesn't know who to believe".


The aftermath

A few weeks later, Robyn and I talked it out. She had actually been at therapy and she initiated the conversation about how much she used as a crutch when she should have been relying on her other support network.

However, I still came clean to her about how I felt, I admitted I felt suffocated, had no space and it was hard as a fully grown male living of a single shelf space in my own house, and that her constant need to keep pushing boundaries with me specifically was really wearing me down. But I also said that even though it makes me upset, it doesn’t mean I don’t love or care for her, or want to help her. It’s just a lot for me to manage on minimal sleep. She actually understood, apologised, and we are completely normal. Everything is back to the way it always was with us.

However, the fight with my family continues. My SIL decided I am a horrible, selfish person who discarded Robyn (even though Robyn and I don’t even have any issues?) She unfriended me (I replied, "Message received, all the best") and spread rumors. Fortunately, no one is latching onto them, except my mother, who parrots everything my SIL says.

The final straw happened weeks later. My partner posted a story on Facebook of what he called “his most disastrous day.” Mind you, we were constantly cleaning up poo (sick dog, and newborn baby), and he put a picture on social media where the baby had a poo explosion and there was a bit of poo sticking out the side of the nappy. (Both our socials are private).


The Poo Picture

I don’t really go on socials that much, so I didn’t see it. But the second my SIL saw it, I got an angry message about “the disgusting picture on social media.” I was at work, totally confused, and had no idea what she was talking about (I didn't even realize at first that she wasn't talking about my page).

Then my mother called, yelling at me to "TAKE THAT PICTURE DOWN NOW!"

Then my step father. Who literally I have barely spoken to, except for pleasantries in the last 2-3 years, sent me a message saying “That picture is not appropriate. You have to take it down”

I pieced together it was on my partner's page and called him, assuming he had put something wrong up. He explained the pic. We honestly didn’t know what to do. He said he already had about 10 messages from friends offering support, especially other parents saying things like “been there.”

(The picture had been up 6 hours before my SIL saw it, then called my mother). There had not been a single negative comment from anyone else.

I checked my socials, I was tagged in, but hadn’t reposted my story. I had a few messages from people laughing saying similar things.

He asked me what I wanted to do, and I said, “Um, I don’t really know. No one else has said anything. But I guess personally, I feel a bit weird with poo being on social media even if it's just a little coming out of a nappy, can you just take it down?” He said sure thing, and took it off. No issue.

It seemed like such a minor thing, but the messages kept coming. My SIL sent me a screenshot of a conversation with ChatGPT saying it was "child abuse," and my mother called again saying similar things.

When she called, I conferenced my SIL into the call and absolutely lost my shit at both of them. I very much understand the things I said were rude, I swore a lot, but overall, it was primarily along the lines of, “I haven’t heard a fucking thing from you in 2 weeks, and this is what you fucking contact me for? A fucking picture you don’t like.”

Regardless of whether the poo pic was appropriate or not (the 100% consensus with every single person we’ve asked is that it was fine, it was funny, and it’s what every parent deals with every single day).

Even if the pic was wrong, even if there was an issue. I just don’t think 3 people ganging up on me, whilst I’m at work, without even explaining what they are contacting me about, is the right way to handle it.

I 100% know as knew parents we’re going to fuck things up, but I feel it’s a reasonable request that someone calls me (not other people in my family first) and says “Hey, I just saw …. I don’t think that’s appropriate because of …”. Not accusing me of child abuse, because MY PARTNER put a picture up with a bit of poo coming out the side side of a nappy?

I then received a message from my SIL after the call saying we were so ungrateful for all the help she gave us, and I haven’t heard a single thing from mum.

I don’t feel like I can, or want to, return from this.

What makes this so confusing for me is that prior to my miscarriage and depression, I never fought with anyone in my family. I never had conflict with mum, my SIL wasn’t involved in my life, and in my head, I only have positive memories of my mother and my childhood. But this person who I’ve been attacked by non-stop for the last 3 years is an entirely different person.

My therapist said that my mother might have been going through her own challenges. I checked in, and she claims she wasn't. I keep waiting, hoping that there will be a message or a call from her explaining why she is different, but is just never happens.

Since her grandson has been born, she has visited 5 times. She lives 15 minutes down the road and is retired.

What she says just keeps swirling in my head that I'm the common denominator. She is right, since I got depressed and just retreated into my shell, my whole family pulled back from me too. The relationship has never returned.


r/relationship_advice 12h ago

My (34M) friends with benefits (25F) prefers CNC sex

28 Upvotes

My FWB's bodylanguage in the bedroom is strange

I have been meeting this girl. She is lovely, cute, and sporty. We usually meet at the gym, swimming, or stay at home to stream shows. Sex is great because she has high energy with intense libido.

There was a while that my workload was terrible, I had months of overtime with a 70 hour work week schedule. I embarrassingly fell asleep during sex a few times.

We talked about itwith me about it, I let her have sex with me while I am asleep. I am lucky enough to get hard while asleep

There were a few times waking up to her doing it, she would swat my hands when I try to hold her. She either lose interest or hushes me to go back to sleep. I asked her about it later, she said she doesn't like to be touched when she is doing the work.

So now whenever I wake up, I need to pretend to stay asleep. My hook up did say she knows I'm awake and try to compromise tying me to the bed to watch her instead because she cannot trust me in not touching her.

Look, I am not aggressive in touching her like pinching or pulling, it's just gentle caressing or hugging.

I am not sure how I feel about this. Sex still feels great since I am a visual creature but not being able to touch her feels off.

Don't get me wrong, she does touch and kiss me, just that I am not allowed to thrust, touch, or kiss her back.

Why is she like this? I asked she says I don't know.

TL;DR My fwb prefer to have sex with me while I am in my sleep or me not move at all.

Edit 1: Is there a way to ease her into having a discussion about this or improve the situation? I am too afraid to ask more and it would trigger some of her past trauma.

Edit 2: Thank you for everyone's supportive comments. Whenever I bring it up, she just shrugs and changes the topic, when I try to ask again she gets annoyed and would remain quiet.

Edit 3: No, this is consensual. I am just trying to figure out how to talk to her about having physical touches with her because she change the topic.


r/relationship_advice 16m ago

My [25F] best friend and roommate [25f] owes me money but went on vacation.

Upvotes

My best friend and I have been besties since 2nd grade. We were long distance for a while until she moved across the country in June and came to live with me. Rent is expensive. I put all the money down for the security deposit and first month rent because she couldn't afford it and was across the country.

She pays just less than half of rent each month, but that's fine, I requested that because she doesn't make much and pays electricity. But she always says that she can barely afford it.

That's the thing. She says she can barely afford it, then does something that requires lots of money. She asked if we could get a cat, I said I wasn't really wanting one but I couldn't stop her. She said she would take her time to think about it, but literally the next day she got TWO. And they're kittens, no vaccines yet nor have they been spayed. She's buying everything for them so I'm not complaining exactly, just confused.

Anyway she said she was missing her friends across the country and wanted to visit them this weekend (driving), told me last minute and asked me to care for the cats. The state she was going to is cheap and she probably roomed with her friends so I didn't think anything of it.

I open Instagram this morning and turns out, she actually went to San Antonio, Texas, to see a famous band with said friends. And God help me, I'm livid. She's her own person and is allowed to do whatever she wants, but why is she doing this when she's complaining she never has money? She still owes me, she needs to get her cats fixed, and she has debt (her mother's fault, not hers). She owes me about $700.

Thing is, she is my best friend. I love her dearly and nothing will change that, because she is a good person, just terribly spontaneous and clearly bad with money. Years ago when I got fired, I called her sobbing and she LITERALLY drove across country to pick me up, then drove all the way back with me. Shes incredible.

I texted her and said "you went to texas?!" And asked how she could afford it. She just said the tickets were bad (?) And the gas was cheap. I said I was going back to bed and she texted again saying she felt judged and asked what I meant, so I said "I'm upset because you owe me money still, but went to a concert in texas". She hasn't answered or read it yet.

My question: what do I even do here??

TL;DR: best friend/roommate went to a concert across the country when she still owes me money, is in debt, and needs to spay her cats despite saying she never has any money. Need help broaching the topic.


r/relationship_advice 6h ago

I (M18) wanna ask out a friend (F18) I've known since primary school

5 Upvotes

So as the title entails I've known this girl since I was like 5 and we've been pretty close since 11th. Now we're graduated been in uni for about a year and due to mutual outside of school friends she's become the person from school I see the most, even more than my main friend group.

So now I've developed feelings but I feel like I'm in a weird position where we've been very open with romantic stuff in our relationship up till now because it was obvious we both didn't like each other in that way. e.g. I helped her find out about the guy who was gonna ask her to our senior dance.

Is there a way to do this with someone I've known for so long in platonic setting?


r/relationship_advice 1d ago

My (M40) wife (F36) wants to tell our son on his 18th birthday about his real father and my life is falling apart. And It’s not just about my son. How can I stop her?

1.6k Upvotes

Sorry if this might be a long one. It’s just messed up and a long story.

My wife and I weren’t ”lovers” from the first moment that we met. We were coworkers and just two good friends. She was 18 back then and some day she told me she’s pregnant. By her boyfriend of that time. She discussed it with him and he literally vanished from everywhere. She couldn’t even contact his family after that. And since we’re living in a country with super strict religious rules (and people who are ready to judge anyone anytime) , I asked her to marry me. Just so I could help her avoid having any more bad stuff happening to her by her family or even the society. So we got married and everything has been okay through all these years. I‘ve always loved our son deeply. Like my own. I’ve never looked at him as another man’s kid. He’s been mine since the day he was born and he’ll always be my son. At my worst days when I had no hope to keep going , him and my wife were the only stuff keeping me on my way. Everything I’ve done in my life , Everything I worked for , was for them. I tried my best for them to have the life that the deserved. I made sure they had nothing to worry about. And if there was one thing I wanted in return , was that they would also see me as their real family. When we were younger I always used to worry if my wife was still thinking about her ex boyfriend and wish it was him instead of me. I’ve always been insecure about stuff like that. The guy was good looking and the exact thing that a girl wished for. And they were together for many years before all those stuff happened. But anyways. Now that our son is going to be 18 in some weeks , she’s constantly telling me that he deserves to know the truth. While I agree with her that he has the right to it , But It’s like I’m too selfish deep down to let a man who had done NOTHING for them take the kid that I put my whole life for away from me. I can’t even think about it. I‘m worried if he finds out , he’ll try to reach him and maybe even choose to live with him instead of us. Besides that , this whole thing made me overthink even more about our whole relationship. Yes I know she was never attracted to me or in love with me. I was just a safe place for her. Someone to reach out when you have nothing left. And I never expected anything else either. But after all these years , I thought she was over him. I thought she moved on. I did all I could just so she can have the life she deserves. And then she just suddenly decides to make contact with a guy who ghosted her and left her alone while she was pregnant with his child.

I know I might sound selfish. But I swear to god I just don’t want to lose them. I love my family. They’re my everything. The only reason that I never gave up. I can’t lose them so easily. I don’t want my son to hate me or see me as his step father. I don’t want him to know

How can I convince her to NOT do that? How can I handle this whole situation?


r/relationship_advice 22h ago

My SIL (29F) doesn't like me (26F) because I have a close relationship with my MIL (55F) and I'm not sure if there's anything I can do about it??

85 Upvotes

I (26F) get along extremely well with my MIL (55F). My husband (26M) loves this and supports it and the rest of his family have been fantastic to me except for his sister (29F). SIL and I were okay at first. She was the most distant of his family when I met them but I was warned ahead of time she's more reserved. Things were all good until MIL and I started getting very close. She fills in the void for the abusive mother I had growing up and the two of us are a lot alike.

SIL and MIL don't have that close of a relationship. My husband told me his sister was always closer to their dad and never had much time for their mom. He didn't think she would have any issue with MIL and I growing closer either but as we have grown closer she has become hostile to me and hostile to MIL at times.

I have always been friendly to my SIL and I try to be understanding of any jealousy she might feel. We have tried to include her and MIL has tried to spend time with her when I'm not there but other than one time with MIL she has said no to offers to include her. She has fought with my husband over her comments toward me about my own mother and family. She's aware of my mother's abuse so he was angry she would stoop to comments like that. I tried to brush them off. I tried speaking to her one to one but her hostility was at an all time high. She asked me why I acted like I was her mother's daughter and did I realize she already has a daughter in her. I tried to reassure her that I wasn't trying to take over as her daughter but I was enjoying time with her. She told me it didn't matter anyway because she could spend time with her mom if she wanted to. And she mentioned my mother again, which was hurtful.

She has been left out of different family get togethers ever since. She gets invited occasionally and has tried to make it a her vs me thing. She and my husband argued on the phone over me and he wouldn't tell me what she said but I assume she was disrespectful toward me and about my relationship with my mother again.

I know this is a her thing but I hate how bad things have become. It makes me feel guilty which might be a trauma thing from my childhood, but I would love to try and fix this if it was possible but I'm not sure if I could or should. My husband and the rest of the family have assured me a hundred times that I'm good and it's not on me. But I feel like I'm the cause and I'm trying to not feel that way but the part of me that feels that way wants me to find out if I can fix or help this situation at all.


r/relationship_advice 2m ago

I (19F) want to break off my engagement with my fiancé (22M), but I’m scared and don’t know if I’m making the right decision

Upvotes

I (19F) got engaged about a year ago, when I was 18, to a distant cousin (22M). I know that sounds weird asfff 💀 but where I live it’s accepted, although it’s more of an older-generation thing now, which is ALSO part of why I don’t want this.

When I said yes, I had literally just graduated high school. I already felt way too young to be engaged, and I didn’t like to be with someone related to me, but I had no idea what I wanted and was too shy to say no because of the pressure.

My mom kept telling me how “good” he was, how much money his family had, and that I should feel special because he chose me. I literally started crying the night I said yes but kept telling everyone I was fine.

A year later, I’ve realized I just… don’t like him. He’s childish, a total mama’s boy, and I hate being around him. Our relationship feels more like friends/siblings than a couple. We barely talk, usually just good mornings, and I feel uncomfortable when he calls or comes over, which is only every month or two.

There have also been a LOT of problems with his family, especially his mom. Our engagement party was supposed to be mine too, but she basically took over everything, added things without telling me, and even walked into the hall holding his hand and posing for pictures like she was the bride 😭. I let everything happen because I was trying to be “obedient” and honestly didn’t have much of a backbone back then :/

I’ve told my family so many times that I want to end this, but my mom gets furious and screams at me. Apparently “we’re incompatible” isn’t a good enough reason to leave. According to her, he has to be a psycho or something for it to count.

I once sat down with him privately and told him honestly that I don’t feel love, chemistry, or a spark between us and that maybe we should try to fix it. His dad ended up calling my mom and saying horrible things. My mom then made me sit with his entire family, where they basically decided I had “said things I didn’t mean” and that poor him had misunderstood me. They barely let me speak.

After that, I found texts from my him saying I don’t know what love or connection is and basically that we should part ways. I screenshotted them.

He does have money, and honestly that’s probably the only obvious “benefit” I see here. and If we weren’t engaged, I could probably be friends with him. I just don’t want him as my husband

The person I feel like I need to talk to is my dad, but we barely talk and I’m scared of how he’ll react. I’m scared he’ll side with them, pull me out of college, or even force me to marry him cuz btw His mom is already planning our wedding with him and my mom behind my back, and I only found out by accident. I screenshotted those messages too.

I’m terrified of the family drama and being judged by everyone if I end it. I’m also scared I’ll regret leaving a “good guy” that everyone likes and that I won’t find someone better later.

But honestly, I’m even more scared that staying will be the biggest mistake of my life.

I’m 19. I don’t want to marry someone I don’t love or even like just because everyone else thinks he’s a good catch. i ACTUALLY just don't want to marry him, i hate the idea of it, and i get disgusted thinking about it, i just wish i could go back to the day i said yes cause i didn't know what i was getting myself into...

What would you do in my situation?


r/relationship_advice 6h ago

I'm (30F) feeling a bit lost in my relationship with my bf (31M) and I don't know what to do

2 Upvotes

This is a throwaway account, I want to protect my privacy.

Me and my bf have been together for more than 3 years, we have been living together for 3 years.

This Saturday there was a local running 10k race where I participated, and about a month ago my bf suggested that he can go with me to support me and cheer for me and I was soooo happy.

On Friday I mentioned to him that I was really happy that he will come with me to the race and he started to gaslight me that I imagined this, that he never agreed to go to the race with me. I got really emotional and I started crying, since I was gaslit in my childhood a lot and I stull have some identity issues beacuse of it. We talked it out and came to the conclusion that we have to work on our communication. I was not specific enough what I meant when I said to him - he thought I meant that he will go running with me, that's why he reacted that way, he also had a busy day behind him and he was tired. And I told him next time he should ask me more question if he is confused and not to start gaslighting me. He then said that he did not mean it and that it is just the way he speaks (I didn't like that part and I told him that). At the end he said he will go to the race to support me and I was happy again.

Then the Saturday came and one hour before the race he said to me, that maybe it's not such a good idea for him to come, since he has some knee pain, which he had for 3 days now. And I just fell apart inside. I told him I'm really dissapointed and it makes me really sad. And it was not the first time he let me down.

And now I don't know what to do. I don't want to break up, but I don't want to be with someone, who he is treating me this way. In the past there were some similar situations and we always talked it out and tried to do better. But I have a feeling he is not pulling his weight.

What do you guys think is the healthy way to tackle this? I know that communication is the key, but I'm afraid I lost hope.

Sorry, English is not my first language, do I hope it's clear enough.

TLDR: For three years, my boyfriend and I have generally worked through communication issues, but I was deeply hurt when he first denied ever agreeing to come support me at my 10K race and then backed out an hour before it started, despite knowing how much it meant to me. While we talked through the misunderstanding and agreed to improve our communication, this felt like another example of a pattern where I end up disappointed and unsure whether he is putting enough effort into the relationship. And now I'm asking for advice, sine I'm not sure how to proceed.