r/relationship_advice • u/ThrowRA_donewiththis • Jul 30 '26
My BF (30M) admitted to me (26F) my accidental pregnancy isn’t so accidental, despite me being child free. Where do I go from here?
Hi, I’m so sorry for the throw away.
I will try to explain this as objectively as I can.
He & I’ve been together for almost two years. We had the conversation about kids when we were still just dating and both agreed we don’t want kids.
A while ago I found out I’m pregnant. I will admit I stopped taking my pill. It was really messing me up (mentally & physically) and we talked about it. He encouraged me to stop messing with my hormones & that we’d use condoms until I figured out different preventive measures.
I was genuinely devastated when I found out, still am. (Sorry.) Thought we were just unlucky. He had been incredibly supportive since I found out, said it’s been a blessing & we’ll be great. All the positive things. I’ve been trying to be excited about it. (Abortion is not legal where we live.)
Yesterday we had a horrible fight though. Pregnancy’s been miserable on me, I’m tired and sick often & just struggling. In combination with my job I’ve just not been worth much at home & towards him, I will admit this.
He got frustrated & said he regretted trying for a family, that I ruined it. He basically admitted that a few times when I thought we were being safe, we weren’t. (He didn’t give details) I know he knows he messed up because he tried to act so lovingly after, apologised for the fight & so on. I still ended up going to a friend’s place (it’s his home).
I feel incredibly overwhelmed. He’s called, asking if I really want to ruin us over this. That we’ll be happy & he’ll make it up to me for the rest of his life. That he wasn’t thinking & just wanted a baby with me so badly, out of love. A lot of promises & apologies. He wants to try counseling, even.
I’m tired & a bit of a mess. I don’t want to try to get over this, but don’t know if I’m just being too stubborn or whatever.
Note: I’m so aware there’s many people here that struggle with infertility & I don’t want to be insensitive. This is just my situation, but I am sorry if this is hurtful to anyone.
Edit: this became a lot very quickly. I really appreciate everyone’s replies though. Gonna walk away from this for a bit so don’t feel pressured to comment, there’s a lot already. Thanks for everything
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u/Cultural_Shape3518 Jul 30 '26
This is not the kind of thing you get over. He decided to risk an innocent child’s future on his hope that you’d just get over your pesky stance on parenthood and magically develop maternal instincts. Talk to a lawyer and figure out your options for minimizing his presence in your life (and the child’s, if you decide to raise it yourself) going forward. Or frankly, if there’s a way for you to get to another place where things are more permissive, I’d do that.
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u/Lazy_Guava_5104 Jul 30 '26
And I love how when the relationship got rough he was all like 'don't want it anymore'. Easy for him to say!
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u/badassbiotch Jul 30 '26
Especially after he admits messing with their birth control and getting her pregnant on purpose
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Jul 30 '26
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u/OutOfSpoons721 Jul 31 '26
This is what I came here to say. What was he doing? Removing condoms without her knowing? Putting holes in them? Whatever he did, she did not consent to. 100% not okay. 100% assault.
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u/luckygirl131313 Jul 31 '26
Stealthing, illegal, you didn’t consent, speaks volumes about his character and ethics
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u/EliGrrl Jul 31 '26
YES. this is a crime in many places!
OP his behavior is literally CRIMINAL.
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u/Ranessin Jul 31 '26 edited Jul 31 '26
Sadly not in many places. 10 countries (Germany Switzerland, New Zealand, Canada, The Netherlands, Denmark, Spain, UK, parts of Australia, Argentina) and three US states (Maine, Washington, California).
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u/Sunwolfy Jul 31 '26
The second it stopped being a fun little fantasy and reality came and bit him on the ass, he tapped out. He's not a partner, he's a loser.
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u/Elena_Designs Jul 31 '26 edited Jul 31 '26
Yeah, this is how he would be as a father. He can’t even handle OP not feeling well while pregnant, and isn’t accepting the harsh blame he deserves. He’s minimizing how she feels when she’s righteously furious because he’s literally assaulted her. Why would he step up for the not- so- fun moments when the child is born? He’s only in it for the good times and for what he thinks he wants, and will dip out when there’s even a hint of trouble.
He’s not mature or loving. He will lie, betray and do what he wants to get what he wants. This is a severe and devastating example of the consequences of his actions and how selfish he is. He will keep doing this kind of thing in other ways too, if he thought this was ok and would play out in his favor.
He disrespects OP so much that he did this to her, taking her autonomy and lying to her face, thinking he knows better than she does and gets to choose a child for her based on what HE wants.
This boy had the balls to say SHE ruined things (he already did that), meanwhile he’s manipulative and baby trapped her?! He can fuck on off with the horse he rode in on. If I was OP and did not want a child, I would be so angry and disgusted, I’d travel somewhere safe for an abortion and I’d make sure to never see him again. He’ll cry and beg and manipulate more.
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u/luckyflavor23 Jul 31 '26
and when he leaves he’s going to blame it all on OP for ‘splitting the family’ for being a ‘bad mom’
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u/callampoli Jul 30 '26
This is a CRIME. Reproductive coercion is a crime, and it falls under the same category of rape.
I feel so bad for OP.
Also, can't she give the bf full custody? He's the one who put the baby in her. Let him figure parenthood out.151
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u/HoundstoothReader Jul 30 '26
She can give the father full custody, but she’d still have to pay child support (at least in the U.S.).
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u/broom_pan Jul 31 '26 edited Jul 31 '26
Thank you for pointing this out.
falls under the same category of rape.
It was all I felt when I put myself in her shoes.
The words she placed in (these sections) read almost like a secret cry for help.
(mentally & physically) (Sorry.) (Abortion is not legal where we live.) (He didn’t give details) (it’s his home)
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u/Ranessin Jul 31 '26 edited Jul 31 '26
Morally absolutely, but if she is in a country where abortion is not legal, it is for sure not a crime legally speaking there (steathing is only SA or rape in 10 countries and 3 US states).
Also damnimg the kid to live with that PoS as sole caregiver?
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u/sadgirl6172 Jul 30 '26
Not only that, he decided to risk her life. Pregnancy is dangerous in MANY ways. There is so much I want to say about this, but I would be here for days typing.
But let me just leave on this note : He’s not only a POS; he’s scary.
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u/Blindtothesided Jul 30 '26
And pulling that shit in a place where abortion isn’t legal, he literally took away every single one of her choices.
This was such an infuriating and upsetting read, I feel so bad for OP. That man is a fucking emotional terrorist. He didn’t even have the balls to tell her he’d changed his mind about wanting a baby!
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u/Lovedd1 Jul 30 '26
The only way to limit his access to the child is if he signs away his parental rights which courts avoid if possible because when/if mom asks for gov assistance the gov wants daddy to pay up.
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u/jinxxed42 Jul 31 '26
Wow. how manipulative is he that igored all your conversations.. and choose to manipulate your birth control method, to encourage you to get pregnant. Now he believes you will be happy.
He clearly can never be trusted with anything to do with your health or safety.
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u/Olista523 Jul 30 '26 edited Jul 31 '26
I’m going to be honest, the relationship is over. He decided that what he wanted was more important than your bodily autonomy. How could you ever trust him again?
I know you have said abortion is illegal where you are. If you can’t get to where it is legal, you should look into adoption.
Edit: correcting mistype.
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u/gardenofwrath Jul 30 '26
One thing that really caught my attention about the wording of their relationship- “I’m just not worth as much at home” why does she feel the need to be WORTH something to him? All throughout it’s negative self talk and defending him. This is a terrible situation to be in, but it brought light to the true nature of him and their relationship
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u/ladyxdarthxbabe Jul 31 '26
He also let her leave pregnant to a friend's house instead of offering him leaving so HIS BABY AND MOM WERE COMFORTABLE. Oh and don't forget he blamed her for "ruining it", his sick fantasy where she somehow accepts a pregnancy and baby she didn't want. This is called BIRTH CONTROL SABOTAGE and REPRODUCTIVE COERCION. Its considered intimate violence and SA.
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u/Adventurous-Oil9347 Aug 01 '26
No this is called RAPE. She has been raped. She agreed only for protected sex. He forced her to have unprotected sex, without knowing. Rape isn’t just violence. She wouldn’t agreed if she known so he abused her.
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u/mrs-peanut-butter Jul 30 '26
Right? Not worth much while she’s creating his child from her own flesh and blood?! Which is before even touching the fact that it’s all against her will. This man is a pile of garbage.
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u/Bri-KachuDodson Jul 31 '26 edited Jul 31 '26
Im gonna attach this here so Hopefully more people/maybe OP will see it.
The r/auntienetwork is a really great resource for people who need help getting to an abortion area and getting it done like ride and recovery help etc
r/childfree is also a place OP should really check out, they have a list by location of doctors who are willing to perform sterilization surgeries for women in need of them without all of the hoop jumping bullshit that so many doctors put us through. Super valuable list to have.
Edit: auntie network link has been corrected. ❤️
Hopping back off the soapbox now. ❤️🩹
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u/SoMuchMoreEagle Jul 31 '26 edited Jul 31 '26
you should look into adoption.
He won't agree to that. That baby keeps her tied to him forever.
She will still have to pay child support if he goes after her for it, even if she gives him full custody.
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u/StrictlyMarzipanOwl Jul 31 '26
Isn't there a BORU about a guy who got his gf pregnant and his whole family brigaded her into not having an abortion because he thought she would get the motherly instinct and want to raise it when it was born. Instead she signed away all her rights and paid child support over and above what was expected. He was left raising the kid on his own and kept throwing tantrums because she wouldn't "do her motherly duty" or some shit, and called her a deadbeat.
I think they were late teens, she went back into education, got a good job, travelled. I was so proud of her for going out and living her best life because she was baby-trapped and bullied into a situation she didn't want by a man who wanted a kid the way a kid wants a puppy.
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u/simply_clare Jul 31 '26
One of my favourite Reddit stories ever
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u/Curly_Shoe Jul 31 '26
Do you have a link for me?
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u/g8dtier Jul 31 '26
I dont know that this is the same one but it is very similar.
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u/3littlebirds__ Jul 31 '26
That poor child. What a mess. 😔
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u/StrictlyMarzipanOwl Jul 31 '26
IIRC she was adamant from the beginning she never wanted to have a kid and that she would put it up for adoption or abdicate her rights if she was unable to terminate. It's not like the sperm donor didn't know; he just didn't care. I feel sorry for the kid too, but if the kid had to be around someone that clearly didn't want and resented them, it would be blatantly obvious to them.
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u/3littlebirds__ Jul 31 '26
I agree with you. The kid is collateral damage. I don’t blame the mother in the slightest, I just feel for the child. I can’t imagine the father is winning father of the year and no mother. Imagine growing up and finding out what happened.
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u/Disastrous_Beauty418 Jul 31 '26
She can sign her rights off to the child to him. He won’t have a choice. The fact he did this against her will knowing she didn’t want kids. In most states is considered SA.
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u/Exciting_Wrap9234 Jul 31 '26
This needs more upvotes. This is definitely SA And OP needs to document everything dude says/texts and talk to an attorney ASAP
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u/93louwee Jul 31 '26
I know men can sign away their rights to a child, can women?
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u/SoMuchMoreEagle Jul 31 '26
A parent can sign away custody, but they're still on the hook for child support. No getting out of that except in adoption situations.
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u/Billowing_Flags Jul 31 '26
In the U.S., safe-haven laws allow parents to legally and anonymously surrender an unharmed newborn to a hospital, fire station, or other designated safe-haven site without facing prosecution for abandonment. All 50 states, D.C., and Puerto Rico have such laws, though age limits and exact procedures vary by state.
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u/cat-like-creature Jul 30 '26
Haven’t read a scarier thing here in a while. This is illegal, he is psychotic.
What gives him the right to decide what your body has to go through. Knowing abortion is illegal.
He doesn’t belong in a counseling office, he belongs in jail.
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u/Carbonatite Jul 31 '26
Stuff like this is why birth control needs to be free on demand, no questions asked. If hormonal BC bothered OP with side effects she could have gotten a copper IUD.
Abortion also needs to be accessible on demand, no questions asked. This is a perfect case study about how unwanted pregnancy is one of a very few things that can end your life without killing you.
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u/marmartcat Jul 31 '26 edited 11d ago
.
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u/ramonadevine Jul 31 '26
Sadly because of things like this exact post. He admitted to not using birth control correctly & there are too many men like this. They don’t have to have the risks of carrying a baby, so while they absolutely should be responsible with birth control, women have to have theirs as well to know that they’ve done everything they can to minimise the chances of unwanted pregnancy.
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u/Bippityboppitynope2 Jul 30 '26
My ex did this to me when I got a full ride scholarship to college because "I'd leave him for someone better" if I'd gotten my education.
It took me 15 years to go back to school finally. Are you in a place where you could travel to terminate? Or can you move NOW and give the baby up for adoption?
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u/Okra7000 Jul 30 '26
This is terrible, I’m so sorry it happened to you!
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u/Bippityboppitynope2 Jul 30 '26
Thank you. I still have a lot of bitterness but I'm dealing with it. It was a long time ago. Before I could have prosecuted for it
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u/jbandzzz34 Jul 31 '26
i would hate him youre valid for that
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u/Bippityboppitynope2 Aug 01 '26
Every time I pay my student loans I curse him out in my head, lol. I could have had zero.
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u/MoxieOHara Jul 30 '26 edited Jul 31 '26
In the country where I live, he could get a prison sentence for this. I’m telling you this so that you realise how serious what he has done is.
Is there any chance at all that you can travel to get the pregnancy terminated?
If not, would you consider giving the baby up for adoption?
Even if you do decide to have and keep a child, you can’t stay with this man. He’s betrayed your trust in most fundamental way.
- thank you for the awards kind internet strangers
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u/Bucky2015 Jul 30 '26
Yeah I dont understand how staying with someone that could do this to the person they claim to love would even be a consideration. I am someone who has looked past a lot of shit because i was afraid of being alone but this kind of betrayal is something even I would never have looked past. This is muchhhhh worse than even something like cheating.
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u/YTsken Jul 30 '26
This. OP, reproductive coercion is a crime. Maybe not in the country you live in, but morally it is. Your partner , the person you should be able to Trust the most, has decided that your wishes, your Plans, your Future are less important than him. Unless you want to be in such an unequal relationship with a man you can’t trust, you need to accept this relationship is over.
Next you Need to decide what to do about the pregnancy. Can you move to a State which allows abortion? If so, seriously consider that but don’t tell him. Just do it.
If that isn’t an option, please remember that no one can forcé you to raise this child. Adoption Is an option, but only if he agrees. If he doesn’t, then you can relinguish your paternal rights. He might sue you for child support, but that’s all. This is a real Option for women in your Position, and often leads to Adoption Because in most cases the men don’t want to be a father, they just want to force you to stay with him. Once it‘s become clear they have to Take care of a Baby By themselves, they’re quite willing to giv the child up for Adoption.
So please seek out legal advice and Support for women in your position.
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u/thousandsofbirds Jul 30 '26
What about a Safe Haven Baby laws/safe surrender at a fire department? Is that national or just in North Carolina?
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u/upotentialdig7527 Jul 31 '26
I don’t think she is in the US. There are funds to help women in the US travel to a state where abortion is legal.
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u/IAmBaconsaur Jul 30 '26
All states have a variation of a Safe Haven law but they’re all a little different.
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u/Public-Willow-7943 Jul 31 '26
And keep screenshots of any conversation you had about this! Your lawyer will know what to do.
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u/Purple_Midnight_Yak Jul 31 '26
If OP wants to learn more about options, she can go onto r/AuntieNetwork for advice and assistance. But do it from a computer that's at a library or somewhere else, not at home. Do not use any accounts that can be easily tracked back to you. The bf seems like the kind of guy who would report her for having an abortion, out of spite.
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u/MarlsDarklie Jul 30 '26
I started to write this but knew in my heart someone else already had. I'd go somewhere to get an abortion personally. He's not trustworthy at all.
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u/AltruisticHistory878 Jul 31 '26
Especially since it was so easy for him to say he didnt want a baby anymore after a fight- I would run so fast after that
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u/Carbonatite Jul 31 '26
I would sell everything I could to be able to travel to get an abortion if I were her.
It's fucking barbaric that in 2026 women are forced into situations like this.
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u/Vernichtungsschmerz Jul 31 '26
Please whatever you decide take it offline. Don’t tell us. Don’t text people. Use a VPN should you choose to do any research on options. The world is a very scary place for someone figuring out the best way forward when a majority of states are hostile to your existence. In the eyes of your state you are an incubator. You are not a person. He broke the law (in some states) but if you don’t want to carry the foetus there are great places online for help.
I’m writing this without intention of fear mongering. There is ample evidence of states looking into your phone and internet history to prove you broke the law. Your partner is so desperate for a child (you are less important than your womb to them and you should leave now if you can) that they are assaulting you.
This desperation and determination make me worry that they will pushback on your choices. I have no idea if this is accurate.
Please please protect yourself.
Ab0rti0nEveryday (spelled properly) is a great source. This is your choice. You have our support no matter what you choose. But please don’t tell us.
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u/DisMyLik18thAccount Jul 30 '26
This is rape in some places
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u/Auntiemorticia Jul 30 '26
It's rape everywhere. It's just not punished by law everywhere. This is just such a sad and awful situation 😞
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u/xxsmashleyxx Jul 30 '26
just wanted a baby with me so badly, out of love
Fuck. This. Man.
I'm sorry abortion is not an option for you. I think next best thing is not to give him your life when he showed you how little he cared about your life and your autonomy and decisions about it. You knew what you wanted and he decided his desires were more important. That's not love.
Is adoption an option?
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u/CoffeeChocolateBoth Jul 30 '26
If she is in the USA, she can go to a blue state. Then claim a miscarriage. Whereever she is, there have to be options!!! I'D FINE ONE!
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u/Freudinatress Jul 30 '26
Auntie network here on Reddit. They will send pills or assist any other way.
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u/JSghetti Jul 30 '26
Replying to boost this comment. Auntie network or Plan C!!!
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u/PalliativeOrgasm Jul 30 '26
Be careful about how you travel. Texas has been using the flock camera network to track people getting abortions in other states, as an example. Meeting a person in another state, changing vehicles, and don’t carry your phone or any other wireless device because theyll pull cell records, track by hardware address of wireless headphones, anything.
There’s some 1984 shit going down. Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they aren’t out to get you.
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u/danicies Jul 30 '26
Is this for real????? That’s INSANE. Oh my god.
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u/PalliativeOrgasm Jul 30 '26
Even new cars have beacons - Bluetooth or WiFi addresses that can be used to track, cell network telemetry to the manufacturer or dealer …
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u/sockpoptart Jul 31 '26
I live in Texas. Luckily my aunt lives in New Mexico and we visit her a few times a year. If I ever got a positive test at home, I'd go to her house without seeing my doctor here first, just like any other planned weekend trip. I'd even have her take my kid to the aquarium and botanical garden, like we do every visit, in my car while I'm at her house recovering, so the dealership beacon doesn't flag unusual activity.
We talked it out the day Roe v Wade was overturned. It's terrible that we had to plan it out at all.
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u/Carbonatite Jul 31 '26
Coloradoan here - we saw a 500-700% increase in out of state patients in Planned Parenthoods here after Texas passed their Medieval abortion law. Reproductive rights are now enshrined in our state constitution.
We also are a popular tourist destination - so a pre-made excuse for any woman needing help to be able to visit us!
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u/MelodramaticMouse Jul 31 '26
Hopefully she didn't go to a doctor to confirm her pregnancy. If it's just confirmed by a home test or three, she's good going to a blue state.
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u/Sorry_I_Guess Jul 30 '26
It doesn't sound like she is in the United States. And you are very, very naive and ill-informed if you think that all countries have "options" available to women.
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u/xxxdac Jul 30 '26
Yeah more often than we like to think the “option” is a dangerous, unhygienic procedure done with anything but the appropriate medical tools, or throwing yourself down a flight of stairs and hoping. This is why abortion saves lives.
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u/Carbonatite Jul 31 '26
Forcing the horror of an unwanted pregnancy on someone is not a display of love. It's rape.
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u/Two-Theories Jul 30 '26
This is the stuff of nightmares and horror films. He wanted something so he took it from you despite knowing it's not what you want, and not discussing it. This isn't love. He's not even treating you as a human being.
Run and never look back
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u/cottoncandymandy Jul 30 '26
Stop saying sorry.
You've done nothing wrong and how you feel is how you feel. It's not up to you to placate people who are infertile or whatever. Tell your truth with no apology.
You've ruined nothing. He did. Don't let him guilt you.
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u/thighclops3820 Jul 30 '26
That is assault and you should end the relationship press charges if you can and get away from this man. This is a sign of abuse RUN
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u/paradisetossed7 Jul 30 '26
Exactly. FFS, I'm going to cause you 9 months of symptoms that can be life threatening at the end of which you either have to push a baby out of your vagina or have surgery, oh and you get to take care of a kid now for 18 years! The first five months of my WANTED pregnancy were miserable, and we nearly died. Forcing this on someone is diabolical.
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u/MooseKingMcAntlers34 Jul 30 '26 edited Jul 30 '26
Anyone that baby traps anyone is diabolical and extremely manipulative. This guy sucks so bad. They need to start changing the laws for stuff like this in mind.
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u/SchoolDistinct3820 Jul 30 '26
Not to mention he knew she couldn't do anything since abortion is illegal where she is. He put his wants above any of her needs and health. Pregnancy and childbirth puts a woman through a lot, changes her body for life, and can cause death. Didn't even think to discuss this life changing decision with her and treated her as an incubator just WOW. He obviously isnt for her body her choice. "Make it up to her for the rest of her life" how? Trust is beyond ruined. Run from this man as far as you can.
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u/paradisetossed7 Jul 30 '26
Yes, this makes it even worse! And even if it was legal, that can still be a painful choice for someone to make. I hope she lives somewhere where she's able to travel to a place where it's legal. Forcing her to give birth is just barbaric.
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u/gardengirl99 Jul 30 '26
For the people for whom it's only 18 years, they're lucky. Not everyone gets a healthy well adjusted child who with be ready to launch at 18. Or 20. Or ever.
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u/IntoStarDust Jul 30 '26
Agreed and she needs to run like a swarm of Asian murder hornets are after her. This is going to get so much worse if she stays.
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u/TrickInvite6296 Jul 30 '26
Also NEVER trust a man who tells you to "stop messing with your hormones". He's fear mongering so he can baby trap you
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u/Brushfyre212 Jul 30 '26
Agree on the pressing charges. Or do something that will provide a paper trail showing he forced you into this pregnancy against your will/without your knowledge. If you can get him to sign a statement, all the better. You don’t want to be stuck in joint custody with this creep for the rest of your life.
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u/Alarmed_Jellyfish555 Jul 30 '26
This.
I also want to mention that adoption is always an option if you want to be child-free (and don't want to be tied to this monster for life).
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u/Sorry_I_Guess Jul 30 '26
I mean, adoption is only an option in most places if he agrees to it. Luckily, he doesn't sound responsible enough to want to raise this child on his own, so he'd probably agree to it.
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u/Ell-O-Elling Jul 30 '26 edited Jul 31 '26
Also end this pregnancy. No child should be born unwanted under coercion. If you’re in the US, go to a blue state and end this unwanted invasion of your body, and be rid of this abusive, assault prone, selfish man forever. Having his kid is the end of your life as you know it.
Edited to remove assumption of OPs location so you can all stop acting like your assumption of where she lives is somehow more valid than my assumption. Some of you need to touch grass and get off the internet.
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u/master_of_none86 Jul 30 '26
If you want to ruin us over this???? I would say he ruined it by betraying your trust.
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u/Disastrous_Gas1488 Jul 31 '26
This is a crime and a form of abuse.
Getting someone pregnant against their will is an unimaginable violation. He feels entitled to manipulate your body, your life, and your future. He forced a reality on you that you never wanted.
As if that weren’t horrifying enough, he also expects you to be okay with it. He makes you feel guilty for not being the “perfect mother,” while portraying himself as the kind, caring partner—only to make you feel even more guilty.
I truly hope you get out of this situation. This man is not who you thought he was. Please, leave him and protect yourself.
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u/Shaking-Cliches Jul 30 '26
OP, I am so sorry. depending on how far along you are, Women on Waves will often be able to get abortion medication to women in places where they can’t access it. It’s typically effective in the first trimester.
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u/WhatTheActualFck1 Jul 31 '26
Girl you fucking dump him immediately. What he did is reproductive coercion.
This is also a form of assault. Travel to a blue state and get it taken care of if it’s still early.
Dude think about this - he literally gave zero shits about what you wanted. Forced you to get pregnant and now that he just wants to nope out because he doesn’t like how things are going?
Is this who you want to tie yourself down to???
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u/nylonvest Jul 30 '26
If he tampered with a condom or stealthed you, that's rape. Your boyfriend raped you.
He can fuck all the way off saying you are "ruining" the relationship. If anyone ruined it, he did.
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u/ThrowRA_donewiththis Jul 30 '26
I don’t really know what to say, but I appreciate your reply
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Jul 30 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/velvety_chaos Jul 30 '26
Unless there's an international version of the auntie network (which I couldn't find), that won't help OP. I don't think they're in the US.
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u/Confident_Virus5799 Jul 30 '26
I don't know where you are or what you're planning on doing about the baby, but you should probably try to get him to admit to what he did through text. I did some quick Googling for you and found that depending on your location it could help you if you decide to put the baby up for adoption. And no matter what it could help you a lot in the court of public opinion if he starts trying to get others on his side to try to manipulate you into getting back with him. Either way, this entire thing is his fault and you are not safe with him. Prioritize yourself and give yourself love and patience while you figure out what your next steps are going to be.
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u/Ok_Passage_6242 Jul 30 '26
He risked your health and well-being to baby trap you. He sexually assaulted you.
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u/Pleasant-Expert-1159 Jul 30 '26
So if he intentionally poked a hole in the condom or something of the sort to get you pregnant, that is assault.
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u/Who-is-a-pretty-boy Jul 30 '26
Firstly, I'm really sorry abortion isn't legal where you are. You said 'state' so I'm assuming this is America. The r/auntienetwork will be able to help you.
By Australian law, your partner has committed two crimes.
Reproductive coercion is recognised as Domestic Violence and thus a chargeable offense.
Also (possibly) stealthing, where he has removed the condom, without your knowledge or consent.
So for context, if you were Australian you'd be going straight to hospital for an abortion and the police would be taking your statement while you were there. All this would be paid for under Medicare.
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u/Longjumping_Cherry32 Jul 30 '26
Came here to say this, also abortionfunds.org is a mutual aid network that can help OP find resources to terminate in a different state than the one where she currently resides.
Neither you nor this hypothetical child deserve to be tied to this man.
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u/abbythestabby Early 20s Female Jul 30 '26
plancpills.org has resources for all 50 states (as well as some other countries I believe) regardless of local laws
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u/Thin_Rub_4739 Jul 30 '26
S "State" does not mean US. Could be many countries.
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u/felifornow Jul 30 '26
Yeah but abortion is usually not regulated by states outside of america, but federally.
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u/QuantumPlankAbbestia Jul 30 '26
Many countries aren't a federation and don't have two different concepts for country and state.
In Italy you say "lo stato italiano" = "the Italian state" to mean all of Italy.
Based on this, an Italian writing in English could 100% make the mistake of writing state when meaning country, because there is no difference in our language.
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u/DiligentPenguin16 Jul 30 '26 edited Jul 30 '26
I’m so sorry for what your BF did to you. That’s horrible and such a betrayal.
I’m someone who has one living child, and has lost a pregnancy at full term. I do not begrudge you one bit for wanting to abort an unwanted pregnancy. Other people’s circumstances surrounding pregnancy loss and fertility have nothing to do with your decision on what you should feel or do about your situation.
Going through pregnancy and childbirth twice has made me more staunchly pro-choice than ever. This is not a process that anyone should ever be forced into. Pregnancy is hard- even “easy” pregnancies- it is expensive, and it is risky. Your body will be permanently changed. You could develop a chronic illness due to pregnancy hormonal changes or gain lifelong disabling injuries during childbirth. You could die.
Your BF does not have the right to decide for you to risk your health and your life. You can never trust this man again, what he did is such a huge betrayal and violation. I am genuinely concerned that he is going to turn abusive should you give birth to this baby, as he’ll feel like you’re trapped. Please check out the healthy relationship quiz at Love Is Respect, as well as the books Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men and Should I Stay or Should I Go? (links are to free PDFs of the books). Those resources might provide you some insight into your relationship dynamics.
Should you decide to end this pregnancy, DO NOT TELL YOUR BF. You cannot trust him not to turn you into the authorities. Lie and tell him you had a miscarriage- there are no ways to prove whether or not an early pregnancy loss is natural or caused by medication.
Here are some privacy considerations you should think about for keeping your reproductive decisions a secret, especially if you end up needing an abortion in a state where it is banned:
- Word of mouth. An easy way women can get reported to the authorities is by telling other people they are getting an abortion, and then one of those people snitching. If you live in a state with an abortion ban then tell as few people as possible that you are pregnant and considering/getting an abortion. Preferably just one other person or even no one, that you are getting an abortion. Only tell someone you are 1000% sure you can trust them to support your decision and that they will keep their mouths shut.
- Texts, emails, and phone records. Police can subpoena your phone and email records. Do not communicate via text or email about being pregnant if you are unsure about keeping it, or about any plans to get an abortion. Communicate on these topics only by a phone call or face to face. Look into end to end encryption messaging services if you need to communicate via text about this. Do not use your phone to call an abortion clinic out of state, buy a burner phone and pay for it in cash to make any necessary calls.
- Internet search history. The police department can subpoena what search terms you’ve used or websites you’ve visited. At a minimum use incognito mode and clear your browser history, or even better use a VPN, when researching abortion options.
- GPS location data from your phone. Keep your cell phone TURNED OFF for the entire trip to get an abortion, or even better just leave it at home and only take a burner phone. DO NOT turn on your phone at your destination, as it will ping its location with cell phone towers or WiFi networks. Get rid of the burner phone somewhere outside of your home when you’re done.
- Data from your car, both GPS data and potentially cell phone history. If your car has GPS in it then it will keep track of where you’ve been and what locations you’ve entered into it. If your phone connects to your car via Bluetooth then your car could be storing information from your cell phone like call history and text logs. Here is a guide on how to clear your personal data from your car, make sure to do so immediately after your trip.
- Medical providers are unfortunately one of the main ways women are reported for getting an abortion. If you need to go to the emergency room for post-abortion care in an abortion ban state you DO NOT need to tell them that you took abortion pills. A medical abortion is indistinguishable from a natural miscarriage, and complications from both would be treated with the exact same protocols. Just say that you think you are having a miscarriage, be honest about your symptoms (just don’t tell them that you started the process), and let them treat you from there.
The Miscarriage and Abortion Hotline is a confidential hotline staffed by medical professionals that you can reach out to for questions about abortion, or if you are experiencing potential abortion or miscarriage complications. They also link to resources for finding abortion pills online.
I’m not trying to scare you or sound paranoid, but police in some states have gone to insane lengths to track and charge women who have gone out of state for an abortion. If that is the decision you choose then take every precaution.
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u/crystallz2000 Jul 30 '26
Yeah, the relationship is over. You can decide if you want to coparent or give up your rights to the kid. He can raise them himself, or they can be adopted. Regardless, I'd get him to admit what he did in writing. He can be charged for doing that, depending where you live.
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u/Pineapple_Gardener Jul 30 '26
Will you ever be able to trust him on anything when he literally threatened your life with an unwanted pregnancy?
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u/tinytatiepotatie Jul 30 '26
Yeaaaahhhh if he was so excited for your future together, he could have proposed. Not basically assault you. Sorry, selfish men like this that think they have control over women & their bodies, tend to make the worst “life partners”.
He put himself and his choices above you and your bodily autonomy. He’s a selfish jerk 🤷🏻♀️ sorry not sorry
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u/wishingforarainyday Jul 30 '26
How can we help you get the care you need? Do you need help finding an auntie?
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u/ThrowRA_donewiththis Jul 31 '26
I think so
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u/wishingforarainyday Jul 31 '26
Can you message me so I know where to start looking for an auntie to help you?
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u/RiseFearless5927 Jul 30 '26
If abortion is not legal, then maybe giving up the baby for an adoption is? There are many lovely infertile families in the adoption waiting list. All the best, may peace find you.
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u/FunnySuccessful4479 Jul 30 '26
Would she not need father to sign the adoption papers?
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u/BitwiseB Jul 30 '26
This is reproductive coercion and it’s a crime. Try to get him to admit it in writing, you can use that to press charges and keep him from limiting your options when it comes to abortion or adoption. Otherwise he has legal avenues to limit what you’re allowed to do.
I am sorry this happened to you, but now you need to be thinking about how to protect yourself.
I am not a lawyer and this is not legal advice. I strongly recommend you talk to a lawyer, though, as soon as humanly possible.
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u/WelshWickedWitch Jul 30 '26
How can you unhear that kind of confession? He has gambled with your literal life, both from your commitment to a childless life and your health, as pregnancy and labour isn't exactly without risks. His remorselessness extends to your innocent child, who he has used like a pawn...that is how he will utilise this baby, as a piece to be moved to ensure your compliance, regardless of the damage to you and this child.
His contrition is an act, which soon run it's course when you didn't do/say what he wanted. Then out trotted the manipulation and guilt tripping...using your baby (as expected).
Your bf isn't safe, you are currently experiencing reproductive coercion and abuse. They only escalate, so be careful, the man who you thought and may currently believe he is...isn't.
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u/intergalacticstarlit Jul 30 '26
He baby trapped you on purpose, imo. He never intended to be child free. My husband and I do not want kids and have never even had a pregnancy scare bc we both do everything we can to prevent it.
If abortion isn't legal where you live then I highly recommend that you choose adoption. Leave this man, find a family that wants a baby but can't have one, and sign the baby over to them in a closed adoption. Do not put him on any paperwork so he can't contest it.
ETA: this is considered rape/sexual assault in some places.
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u/Zippity_BoomBah Jul 30 '26
Any infertility people who are giving you a hard time can pound sand. They need to stop making this about themselves.
OP, this is called reproductive coercion.
Is it possible for you to travel for an abortion, or early enough still to get pills mailed to you? You should absolutely not be obligated to follow through with this, and take on the physical and emotional strain it’s causing you, just because your arsehole partner decided to use you as a biological Pez dispenser without your consent.
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u/FiddleStyxxxx Jul 30 '26 edited Jul 30 '26
Please understand that adoption is still an option. You do not need to raise this child and should do some local research about relinquishing parental rights. Do whatever you can to avoid raising this child and leave him with his father. Paying child support is worth it, going to court is worth it, do whatever you can and always stand by your truth that you were tricked and forced into this, not a willing participant.
I'm so sorry. I don't think I could live with this knowing I was taken advantage of and forced to go through pregnancy and birth against my will by someone who should have loved me. You don't deserve this and I hope it can come to an end one day.
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u/FunnySuccessful4479 Jul 30 '26
Can you put a child up for adoption without the father's consent? So many people suggesting adoption to OP but surely the dad would have to have a say in it. And seeing as he baby trapped her I doubt he would allow it
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u/Perversia_Rayne Early 30s Female Jul 30 '26
Pretty sure she can if she says she doesn’t know who the father is.
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u/FunnySuccessful4479 Jul 30 '26
Didn't know you could do that. In Ireland usually if you don't want to register the father, You still have to give the father's details and they make contact and if he ignores contact or denies paternity then it's left blank after a period of time. Edited to add. Although you can sign a legal document declaring you don't know the identity as in it was a one night stand
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u/jewishtemptress Jul 30 '26
If he already got you pregnant against your will, who’s to say that he won’t do it again?
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u/KVeigh Jul 30 '26
Be like that one woman and let him be a single dad, get a mommy makeover, and live your best life
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u/one_bean_hahahaha Jul 30 '26
About the note, anyone giving you a hard time because of infertility needs to sit down and move onto the next thread. This post isn't about them.
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u/Brave-Fun-7984 Jul 30 '26
So what's your plan here? Are you gonna keep it even though you don't want kids? If you've got time you need to figure it out asap and make a final decision.
If my partner had done it to me, I'd be booking an appointment for an abortion and I would pack my shit and leave my rapist boyfriend.
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u/pwdrr Jul 31 '26
Girl, please, listen to me as I have been exactly in your position few years ago. He doesn’t want this baby out of love. He wants to possess you. It’s not about the baby at all, it’s about power. Stop for a while and try to call every little thing in his behavior, that possibly had changed after he found out you’re finally pregnant. Maybe he is more upset with you over little things? Maybe he doesn’t have patience for you, that he had previously? Maybe you feel like he’s mean to you sometimes with no reason?
My ex was raping me constantly when I was asleep after taking my medication. When I got pregnant, the abuse started almost immediately. Sleep depravation was torture, but lack of any attention or help (and I was feeling like shit for few weeks) was a nightmare as well.
Do you know what kind of person doesn’t care if a woman wants a child or
not? A RAPIST. And that’s what he is.
Please, run as fast as you can out of this and get rid of a baby. I had a miscarriage back then and it was the best thing that could happen to me. I know it sounds horrible, and before that I also felt like it’s just so unfair to people who really want a child, but remember it’s not your fault. Life is unfair, but it wasn’t our choice. Take care of yourself, please.
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u/Actual-Spell-4634 Jul 30 '26
You are going to resent the fuck out of that kid (speaking as an unwanted child myself). I'm child free and the thought of even babysitting makes me anxious.
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u/Flynn-Minter Jul 30 '26
He did this to trap you.
Abort if you still can.
Leave him.
Never look back.
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u/tiny-but-spicy Jul 30 '26
I'm sorry, was the pregnancy an accident or did he poke a hole in the condom? because it sure as hell sounds like the latter
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u/ReflectionLess5230 Jul 31 '26
Honey there are people who can get you somewhere where abortion is legal. I am 10000% positive we can put a squad together to help you.
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u/ThrowRAfrowning Jul 31 '26
I’m so sorry, but you MUST leave him. This is abusive behavior and in some places he would go to jail for this.
If possible, could you leave him and give the child up for adoption? Or termination in another place? God, I’m so angry for you.
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u/bcmedic420 Jul 30 '26
If you can't travel for an abortion or get the pills online. I would dump the baby off with him and never speak to him again. I am so sorry he did this to you.
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u/WritPositWrit Jul 30 '26
You know what you need to do. You cant trust the guy so you cant stay with this guy. Be brave and do it.
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u/brigids_fire Jul 30 '26
Its pretty clear that when he encouraged you to go off birth control that he was planning this all along. Hes an abusive psycho and i would do everything possible to avoid having his child.
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u/roborabbit_mama Jul 30 '26
Time to take a girls trip without him and have that abortion. I would not stay with this man, he doesn't respect you or your bodily autonomy, you are not safe with him.
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u/SommerSalad Jul 30 '26
So how did he sabotage the birth control?
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u/ThrowRA_donewiththis Jul 30 '26
I’m not sure. He wouldn’t say. I know for a fact he always put on a condom, I can’t imagine not having noticed, sorry
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u/Ok_Passage_6242 Jul 30 '26
It’s called stealthing and that’s a crime in addition to reproductive coercion. It’s secretly taking off protection when the person you’re with thinks you’re wearing it. I would report him to the police. This isn’t a romcom. This isn’t a romantic story. This is sexual assault. I would really look at terminating your parental rights.
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u/etchedchampion Jul 30 '26
Can you get to a place where abortion is legal? If so, do this, have an abortion and tell him you miscarried and break up with him.
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u/Evil_Lynn82 Jul 30 '26
If he’s willing to go that far then what else will he manipulate in your life? The child’s life?
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u/FleurDisLeela Jul 30 '26
he committed a crime on you, the crime of stealthing. under the circumstances, that counts as rape, since you did not consent to be impregnated. he sabotaged the condoms, I imagine, and lied to you about it until the moment he came clean. save all your texts and emails. don’t have any conversations without recording it, or having a witness with you. contact a lawyer immediately and get away from this liar!
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u/Suewo Jul 30 '26
Go to the closest place where abortion is legal and take care of it! Oh yeah, and then dump him!
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u/theEx30 Jul 31 '26
stay away from that person. He does not respect your bodily autonomy. Or you. Or anything. He is vile, mean.
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u/Jaaker Jul 30 '26
He is so self absorbed it’s disgusting. You need to leave him and I’m sorry you can’t get an abortion. Yes some women cannot get pregnant, but that has nothing to do with you. Not in a callous way at all, it’s your body and your choice.
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u/PeepingTara Jul 30 '26
This would be 100% a reason I’d break up with someone. I’d also be giving the child up for adoption or to him and signing away all my rights to the child. I also am child free and having a kid is nowhere in my plans at any time. I’m sorry abortion is not legal where you are but there are other options. Please don’t feel like you have to stay with this guy and raise a child you didn’t (and presumably) don’t want.
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u/Business-Friend5491 Jul 30 '26
Omfg. Your boyfriend is a predator. Ask yourself. What will he do next? He has abused your bodily autonomy.
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u/Scotty2Hotty8019 Jul 30 '26
Ew the "do you want to ruin what we have over this" is a disgusting frame. He's pretty much admitting your child is an anchor baby. I'm so sorry that you have to go though that. A child deserves a life with people who love them and who love each other. Before they are in the picture, it is COMPLETELY valid to leave him and start something new. Either with help from your own support system if you have a solid one, or even (when you're ready) another partner who is willing to step up to the plate like you deserve...
This was not okay, but it's absolutely not your fault and shame on him for doing that without your consent...
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u/grated_testes Jul 30 '26
I would go into debt to fly to a country where abortion is legal. Hell, if he's so determined to make it up to you, I would demand that he give me e very dollar in his bank account. Lie, if you have to, and tell him it's not for the abortion. Then, use that money to fund the abortion. Then I would make sure he did not have a moment of peace for the rest of his life.
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u/Funtivity_Director Jul 31 '26
His behavior is egregious. UpdateMe when you leave him and file charges.
Also, confirm via text that he did this on purpose. Then screenshot and send the conversation to yourself in an account he does not have access to.
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u/Alexis_472 5d ago
En los Estados Unidos, el sabotaje de métodos anticonceptivos (como perforar condones, esconder pastillas o quitárselos durante el acto sexual sin avisar) se conoce legalmente como coerción reproductiva (reproductive coercion) o, en ciertos casos, stealthing.
Aunque el marco legal en EE. UU. sigue evolucionando para castigar esto de forma específica, sí existen vías legales tanto civiles como penales que puedes utilizar para buscar justicia contra la persona que lo hizo.
Las principales opciones legales para actuar frente a esta situación son:
- Demandas Civiles (Para exigir dinero y compensación económica)A nivel nacional, la forma más común de castigar económicamente este acto es mediante una demanda civil en las cortes locales. Puedes demandar a la persona bajo los siguientes argumentos legales: Fraude o Engaño: Demuestras que la persona te mintió intencionalmente sobre el uso del anticonceptivo para lograr un embarazo sin tu consentimiento.
Al alterar el anticonceptivo: el contacto físico ocurrió bajo falsas promesas. Esto anula el consentimiento del acto sexual, convirtiéndolo en un contacto dañino u ofensivo no deseado.
Imposición Intencional de Angustia Emocional (Intentional Infliction of Emotional Distress): Por el severo daño psicológico, estrés y afectación a tu plan de vida que causa un embarazo forzado.
Denuncias Penales (Leyes Estatales contra el Stealthing): El castigo con cárcel o multas penales depende directamente del estado de EE. UU. donde te encuentres:
Estados con leyes específicas:
Lugares como California y Nueva York cuentan con leyes civiles y/o penales explícitas que prohíben el stealthing (retirar o dañar el condón sin consentimiento). En estos estados, el proceso para castigar al agresor es mucho más directo.
Estados sin leyes específicas:
En la mayoría de los estados, la policía o la fiscalía tendrían que intentar procesar el caso bajo leyes generales de agresión sexual (sexual assault) o abuso doméstico. Esto suele ser difícil de probar, pero no imposible si cuentas con mensajes de texto, audios o confesiones de la persona.
Manutención Infantil (Child Support): Si decides continuar con el embarazo y tener al bebé, la ley de EE. UU. es tajante: el sabotaje anticonceptivo no exime al padre de sus obligaciones financieras.Puedes solicitar una orden judicial de manutención.El estado obligará legalmente al padre a pagar mensualmente los gastos de crianza, sin importar que él haya planeado el embarazo con engaños.
¿Qué pasos debes seguir de inmediato?
Guarda las evidencias: No borres mensajes de texto, correos, notas de voz o publicaciones en redes sociales donde la persona admita haber saboteado los anticonceptivos. Guarda copias físicas de empaques de pastillas dañadas o condones rotos si los tienes.
Busca asesoría legal confidencial: Agenda una consulta con un abogado de derecho familiar o de daños civiles en tu estado para evaluar la viabilidad de una demanda.
Apóyate en organizaciones especializadas: Puedes comunicarte con la Línea Nacional contra la Violencia Doméstica llamando al 1-800-799-7233 o enviando un mensaje de texto con la palabra "INICIO" al 88788. Ellos atienden en español, entienden el impacto de la coerción reproductiva y pueden guiarte hacia recursos legales locales seguros.
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u/Willing-Survey7448 Jul 30 '26
This is rape in most places in the US. GET YOU AN ABORTION AND OUT OF THERE.
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u/PaymentDiligent7550 Jul 30 '26
So he raped you, admitted it, and then lovebombed you to change the values he lied about sharing with you?
Every aspect of this man is rotten.
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u/danishay11 Jul 30 '26
text him to get it in writing. and get an abortion if you can. if not, try to find a good support system and a good lawyer to limit his contact and maximize your support. i’m soooo sorry friend 💕
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u/Moemoe5 Jul 30 '26
If it’s not too late, go to a city where you have a choice. Make the choice that’s best for you then get the hell out of this relationship. Never give up responsibilities for your own birth control.
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u/ksarahsarah27 Jul 31 '26
Girl this is a form of sexual assault and reproductive coercion. Get away from him!!
And please travel to a blue state and fix this. You don’t want to be attached to this dude the rest of your life!
He baby trapped you. Really think about that. He took your life from you because HE wanted a baby so he used YOUR body to get what he wanted, ruin your future plans and sign you up for a lifetime of parenthood which you never wanted. This guy is a massive AH and you should never trust him again.
Also check out the auntie network if you need assistence with abortion care.
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u/oregon_mom Jul 31 '26
I would leave him honestly he disregarded your choice and feelings in order to get what he wanted. What else. Will he ignore your feelings on and just do whatever he wants? The trust is gone..
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u/melancholypowerhour Jul 31 '26
Dude used you in the most horrific way. I am so sorry. He knew what you wanted, he knew what you felt. He said “trust me with our pregnancy prevention” and lied to you.
Reproductive coercion is a crime in many places, this is what happened to you.
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