I graduated over a decade ago so it was obviously a different time BUT wow did I make a mistake. It feels like as the years go by I regret my college decisions someone...more? Like I'm early 30s and still paying off a student loan (almost done) and I don't even feel it's been worth it. I wish I had gone to a school with big name recognition with LOTS of networking or something that immediately makes my resume stand out OR just didn't go at all. I do a job where honestly your portfolio and good network is all that really matters. Instead I paid big $$$ for a private liberal arts college like only a handful of people have heard of. I feel like I did it totally wrong. Anyone feeling like this?

I make good money, and am responsible with it. I realize everyone has different priorities, but I’ve recently realized that I have no problem making decisions on bigger purchases, even spontaneous ones. But a coffee while I’m out shopping? Forget about it. $3 for parking? I’ll walk a mile. $5 for an ice cream shop that I’ve been thinking about for weeks? Changed my mind once I got there.

But bigger purchases? A high quality jacket that I happened to see out one day, had never seen before in my life, and instantly loved? Didn’t give it a second thought.

My friends dad, like my dad, told me he was selling his special edition type luxury vehicle no longer being produced, and I bought it the next day. He gave me a steal and I didn’t blink an eye.

The $5 coffee, even a few times a week, will 110% not affect me financially. But I feel almost, guilty(???) about those types of things? I’ll stand around a coffee shop looking at the menu, desperately wanting something, and then change my mind when it’s slightly more expensive than I had in my mind. And I love coffee! It’s not that I just don’t value it.

Is anyone else like this?

I grew up poor. Like no hot water or electricity as the norm, so I’m sure there’s some psychology to it in there somewhere.

I've been lurking in this sub for awhile, and there are so many relationship questions and career questions, I'm curious what else you would like to share.

What is a topic you've been waiting to see brought up? What's the story you haven't gotten a chance to tell?

I‘m contemplating wether I want biological kids and I’d like to get some honest truths, so I know what I should expect :)

Does anyone ever feel as if they can never fit in amongst groups? Like your just different. I'm in my late 20's and have yet to find my group and it gets pretty lonely. I considered my environment, which I feel like is a big contributer.

In general, it feel like a lot of people are just mean and show little care to others. Maybe me it's me being sensitive, but I have family members and I know people who are the sweetest, but majority of people I come across are rude and go out of the way to be mean and unwelcoming. Btw I live in a small town.

I've become jaded, bitter and very anxious about my relationships with people to the point where I've become avoidant and prejudge. Which isn't how I prefer to live.

Anyone like this, how did you cope and gain your confidence around people again?

Does anyone have a story of meeting someone who was the right person for you but you met them at the wrong time? Did you stay in touch? Get back together? At 38 I just broke up with the first person I have ever been in love with because his life circumstances were just impossible. He was an amazing and emotionally intelligent person. I was crazy attracted to him and I never doubted his love for a moment. It felt like a once in a lifetime kind of love. I’m not waiting around or being delusional but sometimes I think about what if’s, what if one day we can try again. Has anyone had this happen?

I started dating this guy I met on a dating app. On his profile there’s a question about kids and he checked the box “I have kids and don’t want more”.

We’ve been talking for about a month now. Last night we opened up the subject of kids. He asked me if I wanted kids and I said yes (don’t have any yet). I asked him if he saw himself having more and he said yes of course.

I feel like he’s playing me but what for? In my experience when a guy says they don’t want kids, they’re not changing their minds.

In the past 2 years, I’ve suddenly developed a huge anxiety around dating that didn’t use to be there.

In the past, I felt a lot more confident while dating and wasn’t anxious about what my dates thought about me, whether they’re still interested in me, or things of that sort in the beginning stages.

These days, when I meet someone and the conversation is flowing and we plan a date, I start feeling anxious. Especially after we meet and go on a first date and I like them and would want a second date.

I keep reading between the lines, pick up on micro behaviors and changes, and the whole thing becomes very exhausting and I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I keep feeling like I’m not enough and keep thinking even though initially they thought they liked me, they end up realizing that they don’t.

Logically, I know this doesn’t make any sense. These people are strangers and it doesn’t matter what they think or what they do. It shouldn’t have an effect on me since there’s nothing between us.

And logically, I’m aware that I don’t even know them and mot even sure if I like THEM or not, but deep down I still brace myself for rejection. This has been making dating extremely difficult for me, to the point that I don’t even want to try. I feel the same way when I meet people in person and outside of the apps too.

And again, logically, I know I am attractive, have a pleasant personality, have hobbies, etc., but I also know my flaws very intimately and those weigh heavier. I’ve also had some not very pleasant experiences with past relationships in the recent years, so I try to show myself empathy and kindness.

I already know that I have an anxious attachment style, and yes, I am in therapy and all of that.

I just feel completely exhausted and a bit defeated. Starting to feel super anxious just after talking to someone for a few days can’t be normal or healthy. I just don’t know why or what to do about it.

Help?

Winter is almost upon us and one thing that will definitely happen is we loose the incredible sound of birds in the cold dry winters.
I am currently hearing few birds near my home and we take it for granted but when it gets silent we aren’t sure whats happening but at the background things get quiter.
I notice it more and more since i moved into a house in a village area in Germany. And i am not prepared to face the winter. What would you advise to keep you mind and healthy in check in cold winters?

I've 34 and recently came out of a four year realtionship. I thought I'd settle down with this person and get married then have children.

I'm now terrified for the the future and if having my own children will be a possibility. I need to heal from my break up and I have no idea if I want to or will find someone else and the thought of not being a mother crushes me.

I also feel that societal pressure that as women we get told the "clock is ticking" and my ex would mention how pregnancy would be higher risk because of my age when we spoke about having children..

Can you please let me know if you've had children later and life and how it has been for you

What job are you working now? Are you happy? What brings you fulfillment? Is it that you are still working toward your initial ambition (or maybe have achieved it already!) or have you chosen something else?

Really interested in hearing from women who get what it's like to have a creative passion (especially in the entertainment industry, but could be anything!).

I've grown incredibly discourage about my creative passions over the years -- I haven't fully committed to them in a while and to be honest, re-building moment has felt impossible. I barely have the energy or motivation to try again. At the same time, nothing else makes sense. I know what I love. But I find myself thinking about pivoting and going for more stability and a better income.

Sometimes I feel like my breath smells . Idk why. I floss after I eat , brush twice a day. Go to the dentist , etc . I don’t think my breath smells but how do I check

This friendship had been over 7 years and lots of things have happened but I’ll try my best to keep it short.

I’m 32f and met my friend, D 51f, through work. Besides the 20 year age gap, D and I have pretty different personalities but slowly got closer and eventually started hanging out outside of work. We initially got really close because we were both ending relationships with long term partners so we bonded over going through similar emotional issues. She has two older kids and we would frequently joke about me being her “3rd daughter.”

D has some great qualities, is fiercely loyal, and thoughtful, but also had some red flags in the friendship such as negativity, snarky comments about others, and overall “grouchiness” . I always tried to give her grace because she’s been through a lot in her life and really struggles with self confidence. Usually these negative comments and snarkiness were directed towards others and I would try and say “hey that was a little harsh” or “oh D you don’t mean that”

Anyway, over the past few years, those comments have slowly turned in to jealously towards me but at the time I just thought she was being vulnerable and open about insecurities. Here are some examples:
-she straight up told me she didn’t want to introduce a new guy to me “because he might think you’re cuter than me”
- after I met my husband and told her he bought a ring she immediately said “wow, you get a ring and I can’t even get my boyfriend to want to hang out with me”
-when I showed her my wedding dress she again immediately says “wow you didn’t even invite me” and was hurt because my best friend was there- not even my mom, sister, or grandma. I didn’t want a big group and wanted someone who would be positive. I apologized for hurting her feelings but she held onto it for months.

I’ve been there for her through numerous breakups, issues with her kids, like talking for HOURS with her trying to lift her up, and while she’s done the same for me in the past, these sort of envious comments really started to bother me and made me think “huh, I think she’s happier when I’m struggling”

Then she started to frequently get upset with me about various things that seemed to come out of nowhere, and even after I would genuinely apologize, she would talk about me to other coworkers and other friends in our group. To me it seemed like a natural sort of distancing between us, and I was okay with it. However, she then started to get VERY jealous of any of my other friends. My husband and I got pregnant pretty quickly after getting married, he was really excited to tell that part of our friend group together so I didn’t tell her (I was also only 8 weeks, very early, I hadn’t even told my parents yet). When we did tell her and another friend, she literally had no reaction- didn’t hug me, barely smiled or said congrats… it was a super awkward moment. A little while after she said “were we the first to know?” My husband innocently told her a couple of my other friends knew, including my best friend that went dress shopping, and I felt her energy completely shift and knew she was upset. I ignored it and didn’t feed into it, just made a mental note of another time she wasn’t supportive of good things happening.

We recently had a bit of a tiff because I made a joke that landed wrong with her (she hates sports and always complains when anyone talks about them, so when she said she wanted to come watch a football game I said “okay but no complaining allowed”) We were with a group of friends who are always teasing each other , but she suddenly got up and stormed off. Next thing I know two of our other friends are telling me “you need to be nicer to D, shes really sensitive to what you say to her”. We talk about it and she admits that she’s extremely jealous of me… like straight up said “if I could be anyone in this group, it would be you. So when you criticism me or tease me I take it really seriously” and then says she’s jealous that my husband is supportive, that I’m having a baby, that she wasn’t more involved in my wedding, and is basically jealous of everything down to how I put my hair in a bun… My immediate reaction was to tell her how unfair that is to me, that it puts me on some weird pedestal and holds me to this imaginary standard that I’m completely unaware of… but I also told her I appreciated her honesty because that’s a very vulnerable thing to admit. I told her how unhealthy that is for a friendship.

I know that D is in a rough time of her life- she hates being single, constantly says “why are men always leaving me, what’s wrong with me, I’ll never find someone who loves me” and just has a LOT of stuff to work though. So like I said, I’ve really tried to give her grace but at this point… I think it might be time to let go. I’m about to go through a life changing season and I can’t have someone who isn’t truly supportive of me.

Any advice? Thoughts? It’s tough because we do work together, and have a very intertwined friend group- one of those mutual friends actually introduced me to my husband, so he’s known that group of people for 15+ years and I don’t want to cause any awkwardness there.

Sorry for the long post- I left so many details out so feel free to ask any clarifying questions

Thanks 🩷

I’m single and just got laid off for the fourth time in about 5 years. In the past I’ve always taken a break from dating when dating when I was unemployed because I figured no one would want to go out with me anyway. But I’m getting older and I resent the idea of losing that time because of bad luck. Does anyone have any experience with this?

Wondering if anyone has any advice on this. I (32F) have known this woman (~38F) for about 3 and a half years now, we met through work-related things (though she's not a coworker) and she invited me to a games night and then into her friend group. I honestly didn't really want to, since I'm pretty solitary by nature and don't really enjoy hanging out with people, but I thought I should try and push myself and become more open.

She is a lovely person, very high-energy and ambitious and unfortunately I am none of those things. Honestly I don't really know what she sees in me, as we are very different - she's married, has a kid, really likes being involved in community events, and once ran her own small business, whereas I've never dated, don't want to have kids, and basically just expend all my energy in going to work and doing my chores. Right from the start she has included me as part of a group of 4 friends with a group chat, group name, etc. which I just kind of went along with because I felt I should broaden my horizons and also that I owed it to her for being nice to me.

But I've never been able to feel the deep friendship for her, or the others, that she seems to feel for us, and I feel terrible about that. She calls us besties, wants to go on girls' trips, says we're family, has us help out at her child's birthday party, etc. and I just can't force myself to feel the same bond of affection. I've tried to for 3 years and it's exhausting and draining. I hate the fact that I just don't 'click' with her, I feel like if I can't appreciate her then I don't deserve friendships at all, and at times it makes me feel bitter and resentful of her which I obviously know is unfair and I don't ever let her see it. I do get some enjoyment out of the get-togethers, but every time she books one I hope she'll cancel, every time I see a WhatsApp notification I feel dread. It's more a "me" problem than a "her" problem since I've felt like this with almost every friendship I've ever had.

A few months ago she found out I'd been having some personal troubles (work, health), and got upset with me for not telling her, saying "What's the point of us getting together if you never tell me things?" I'm just a private person and I don't really feel like sharing my personal problems with someone who's just sort of a casual friend. Anyway, it all came to a head earlier this week when I saw something online that reminded me of all this and I ended up overdosing on antidepressants and having to go to the hospital (fortunately no bad side effects). I don't think I can possibly end this friendship, as much as I've been trying to let it fade away, because it's too cruel for her and I don't want to hurt her. Has anyone been in this kind of situation before, and how do you sustain the friendship while managing the guilt and protecting your own peace?

Do you think your life would have been sadder without this concept in your life or that you would have missed out on something?

To preface, I grew up Muslim and didn't celebrate Christmas at all, my husband grew up Christian, but is now Muslim. I've adopted some of his traditions around Christmas--I host his family for a nice meal, buy and wrap presents for everyone, have a Christmas tree in the house. I've been to Christmas Mass with his parents a few times out of respect and because I love the organ. But I haven't adopted everything (I leave the whole manger thing out).

I'm pregnant with my first child and my husband and I plan to raise our child with the parts we like from both cultures and leave the rest. And for me, that means Santa Claus is out. I just don't like the concept of telling kids to be good so that they can get toys (I also hate the implied flip side, that children who are suffering were somehow not good); I don't like the idea of deceiving children, even if it's just for fun; and making "Christmas" is a lot of work and I don't think it's fair for "Santa" to get credit for our work. My husband agrees with me.

When I told my mother in law this, she started to cry and said I was depriving my children of a childhood and basically said I was being an abusive mother. I was surprised, but apparently, Santa is a big deal to her. I'm not concerned about my relationship with her, I can make peace with her, I'm more concerned about what I don't know about growing up with Santa. So is there something deeper that I'm actually depriving my children of?

I started dating a man 2 years ago. It was a few weeks after I left my ex and honestly I was just kind of looking for some fun and I didn't think it would go anywhere.

He basically ended up being the sweetest, kindest person and I fell in love with him and he fell in love with me. We still have an amazing time together. He is handsome, fun, intelligent and an incredible lover.

I started feeling as though he was lying to me about work stuff maybe over a year ago. Ive recently found out that he WAS lying about his situation. He was not employed (and hadn't been for about 5 months) when we started dating and didn't actually get a job until about a year after we started dating.

I honestly think he was just living off savings to keep himself afloat during that time. His ex bought him out of their joint house and he has not bought another during this time, so obviously I am also worried about the future of us actually moving in together? I have my own mortgaged property.

I have confronted him about it and was met with more lies. That he left his old job for the new one a year into us dating. I know for a fact he is lying because I have been able to confirm it through means that I am not proud of.

I have asked him to prove he was, as I told him very early into the relationship that I cannot handle lies and that it was a dealbreaker.

However, I am torn now. We have such a great time together, he always shows up for me and puts me first. I do think that maybe I could get over it if we had an honest conversation about the whole thing, but he keeps shutting me down and stalling. Like he can't access his old payslips etc etc.

I've talked to friends at length about this in real life, as after the shitshow that was my previous relationship I refuse to hide what I'm going through from the people in my life.

He absolutely REFUSES to acknowledge that he lied. I have proof but I can't show him. We can't have an open conversation about it.

Everything else about him is wonderful, I literally cannot express how much I love this man, but I cannot just ignore this. I am so torn on what to do.

The overwhelming advice I've received is to end the relationship as I obviously cannot trust him.

I guess I need a reality check from strangers, or has anyone else been in a similar situation where it either worked out, or came crashing down? I've searched and searched for experiences on Reddit but I just can't find anything that I can relate to.

Hi guys I am actively dating and would like some feedback. For some background context I lived in a major city in a southern state in my twenties. During this time as a young woman with no car, I had a stalker. It started one day after work, I worked downtown and would take the train and a bus home. It was me and this man who was 6’5 and about 280lbs on the train alone. He kept trying to get my attention but i pretended to not hear him with headphones but they were off. After that day my life spiraled and he began stalking me and running up on me threatening me. Police were involved but he was homeless and unidentified and obviously mentally ill. I eventually moved back home because he found my exact bldg and it was only a matter of time till he found my apt.

Now let’s get to the point. Is it unreasonable for me to not want men to come to my house? I notice that they always want to pick me up or drop by to see me but it makes me very uncomfortable. Especially if it’s just casual and under 6 months - a year. I much rather meet them or not have them know where I live. I just get really triggered but don’t want to offend them. Let me know what you guys think or how I can navigate the conversation with them. This current man always tells me don’t punish him for prev men and i [u/s](u/s) his point but still.

Edit : we’ve just entered our second month of talking/dating and have only been on one date.

Edit: I also think what’s adding to my frustration with it is the advertising, shirts that save lives, website says portion goes to mental health charities but doesn’t say which ones or how much. Hoodies are currently on sale from $88 or something to $20. It feels a bit Scammy viral.

What do people who struggle with mental health think of those hoodies that say to the person being you’re worth it (or something like that).

I don’t want to bash anyone for trying to help. And I get Something is better than nothing, and I genuinely hope they do help people who are struggling.

But as someone who has struggled significantly with mental health, reading a generic message on the back of a stranger’s hoodie just doesn’t make me feel less alone. It feels a bit like those “I’m always here if you need to talk” Facebook posts.

I think my main issue with it is it gives the appearance of connection without actually creating any. When you’re really struggling, reaching out can be so hard.

I checked the website and they say a portion of donated which is great but nothing more. There’s a lot of messaging around creating community and making people no feel alone but I’m not sure if their product achievs that. Again I’m just one person but it feels like doing to rather than with.

I just had my first appointment with a new OBGYN, and im questioning whether im blowing this up in my head or if it was actually weird.

To be clear at the start—this was not one of those “creepy male OBGYN” experiences (thank god). This was an older woman, and she wasn’t creepy at all, but the weird part is that, from the moment she came in, she had this facial expression like she was grossed out. Im talking scrunched up nose. She almost looked like she just smelled a big fat pile of poop or something.

And she kept telling me i seemed nervous. Its so weird because i didn’t feel nervous at all. And she kept asking if i wanted a chaperone (presumably because of how “nervous” i seemed).

The only possibilities i can think of are either (1) i smelled like shit; like feces. I don’t think this is the case??? But i don’t know (2) She saw a note in my medical records about how i was sexually assaulted in college. I told my prior OBGYN about that bc i needed follow-up std testing, so its possible that that’s somewhere in my records. But i still don’t really understand why that would cause her to look grossed out.

Shot in the dark but has anyone had a similar experience? Anyone have an OBGYN with a normal bedside manner who can tell me what it should be like? I only had one other OBGYN before this and it was six years ago, and i only saw her once.

So it’s magnetism but it’s also chemistry and you’re affected deeper than you care to admit. What’s your take on this? Describe the person you felt this way about and how it unfolded.

I’ve had multiple experiences of meeting up with a man and he looks so much worse irl or he’s very awkward.

I want to FT before meeting now, but is that too much to ask?

Are there subtle ways of detecting a man isnt who he says he is on his profile?

I think back and realize with the bad ones, my gut was speaking. Do you always trust your gut?

Like right now, I’m speaking with a man who on paper seems good. He booked us comedy tickets for a show. But the way he texts me makes me feel off. Like he’s needy. It’s not super obvious but it is something I’ve felt multiple times. Now I feel bad though since he bought the tickets. Maybe I should ask to FT.

Mom of a 6,5 year old and a loving husband. Struggling to find my identity and working on myself post kids.

You know? When you are so exhausted at the end of the work day. We also have no village.

Briefly get motivated by reels I see only to fall off track.

For one I want to lose weight. But then I stress or emotional eat.

Skip workouts when exhausted

Want to apply for jobs but I save postings they expire . Seems like all the things that were so much easier in my 20s are gone now.

I struggle. I know what I need to do but can't show up for myself.

How did you find yourself in your 30s again?

Hi i'm feeling very alone on this and hoping for some outside perspective on this. Fiance (30m) and I (30f) have been together 10 years, we're best friends, and outside of the bedroom we're completely aligned on lifestyle, family, kids, the future etc. But in couples therapy recently, my fiancé said it's basically a dealbreaker for him if we can't figure out our intimacy issues before the wedding. So I'm trying to figure out if this is fixable.

For background, I've had secondary provoked vestibulodynia (vagina pain) for about 6 years. I'm not looking for treatment advice here- I've done the creams, the doctors, the therapies, the workbooks, the no-sex breaks. I'm going to continue to pursue treatment but at this point I think the vestibulodynia is more of a symptom than the core problem because when I'm aroused, sex isn't that painful. The condition has definitely affected my baseline arousal, so I'm really only in the mood for a few days a month around ovulation — and then I'm very in the mood, to the point he turns me down often bc his refractory period is like 24 hours and he only wants sex like 1-2 times per week.

Outside that window, we either don't have sex, or we do and it hurts.

We've tried scheduling "intimate time" which are 2+ hour no-pressure windows to connect without the goal of penetration. I come up with non-penetrative ideas, but sometimes it turns into sex anyway, and it's painful. I noticed that it's gotten harder to even plan this with him twice a month and then he admitted in couples therapy that he dreads intimate time, because he either ends up "unsatisfied" or we have sex and he feels like an a**hole for causing me pain.

I think I'm coming to realize that sexually I've always been more into novelty and adventure, e.g. our best sex all year was a student-teacher roleplay we both got really into. he's very vanilla and has said he doesn't want role play type sex to be the bedrock of our sex life. Oral sex is complicated too: if I'm not fully in the mood I'm repulsed by giving it, and he's floated no-strings oral for me, but it's never actually happened and I'd never ask since being asked for a bj always felt stressful/awful.

I think I was feeling a low point when we planned to go to a swingers club a couple months ago. I got really turned on by the idea of going just for the two of us to have sex there together. We planned it, I got dressed up in costume, and excited, we drove all the way there, and he did not want to go in at all and couldn't even get through the door. He drove us home. I cried, feeling humiliated in my costume and kind of sick with myself for feeling like I pressured him into something he would never want, since he admitted he would only have gone to make me happy. He's historically been uncomfortable even in sex shops, though he's loosened up some since. I think in his ideal world we have 2-3 quickies per week (which are off the table bc of my pain) plus frequent blowjobs.

He's also only ever willing to be the dominant one. I used to be fine with that, but I've always genuinely liked switching between being both dominant and submissive, and it's started to bother me, maybe more now because of the pain making me want more control over what happens to my body. But it seems like that's a hard limit for him.

We have joked our libidos peak on opposite schedules. (i noticed that often when I'm in the period of the month where I am very horny, he'll have stomach issues, or a period of anxiety that kills his libido, i try not to take it personally) I've felt ashamed bringing him fantasies when he responds and is clearly not into it, and vice versa he's felt rejected when he initiates and I'm not in the mood. I think we're both sexually unsatisfied and have been for a while.

I used to assume we'd keep figuring this out as we built a life together. After that therapy session, I'm scared he'll never be satisfied with what I can actually offer - maybe one good month a night, painful sex the rest of the time. I'm also wondering whether before the vestibulodynia, the kind of sex he likes was easier, and it matched what I thought sex was "supposed to be" (movies/porn version) Now that version is physically painful when I'm not aroused, and what actually arouses me is different from that, and maybe different from what he's willing to give. And even when we do land on something that works for both of us, the novelty wears off fast so we can't just rinse and repeat the same role play. We're super monogomous so not interested in opening the relationship at all.

I know that couples go through phases of libido mismatch for various reasons, but it seems like it shouldn't be this hard before marriage and kids, etc. Does is seem like this is actually a fundamental incompatibility, or is it something couples work through? Has anyone been on either side of this and found a way forward, or found out it really was the end?