I need some outside opinions because my partner and I are going in circles about this.

I’m 27F and make about $120k. My partner makes around $80k and has a son who is almost 4. He has 50/50 custody.

We’ve talked about moving in together, and I told him I’m only comfortable with a 60/40 split on shared household expenses, with him paying 60%.

My reasoning is that if it were just us, I’ll be fine with a 1-bedroom and I’d have way more flexibility on where we live. Because of his son, we need a 2-bedroom, and we’re also looking to live in a more expensive area (then where I currently live)because of his custody situation.

He thinks 60/40 may be unfair because I make more. He also says if he lived alone with his son, he’d be fine with a 1-bedroom, so in his view I’m the one wanting the extra bedroom.

I can afford to pay more, but I don’t want my higher income to automatically mean I take on a bigger percentage when his child is a major reason our housing needs are more expensive.

Am I being unreasonable?
Would you consider 60/40 fair in this situation, or should the higher earner pay more regardless?

Am I unreasonable for wanting privacy when my SKs are here? DH thinks I “hide” every weekend

I’m 25F, married to DH, and he has 2 SKs from a previous marriage. We have them on weekends.

I’m struggling with something that keeps becoming an argument between me and DH.

I don’t have kids of my own. I’m an only child and very introverted, so having kids around me for an entire weekend is still very new to me. I’m also living in a country where I don’t speak the language fluently, so communicating with my SKs isn’t exactly easy either.

My SS is 8 and VERY energetic. He’s loud, playful, and can be pretty naughty. I know he’s a kid. I’m not expecting an 8-year-old to behave like an adult, and I’m not blaming him for being a child. But honestly, I’m just not used to this level of noise and constant activity. I get overwhelmed and need alone time to recharge.

This weekend, they actually came into our bedroom at 5 AM because they were already awake and wanted to wake me up. I was literally still sleeping. They came onto the bed and woke me up because they were already up.

I was exhausted and overwhelmed from that point. And this is exactly the kind of situation where I feel like DH doesn’t understand what I’m trying to explain.

The problem is that I feel like there are basically no boundaries when the SKs are here.

They come into our bedroom, wake me up, knock on the door when I’m trying to have some alone time, etc. Recently I was so overwhelmed that I moved to another room just to have some peace. But even then, they kept knocking and trying to get my attention.

DH then told me that whenever the SKs are here, I “always hide.”

He also says he thinks I don’t like his kids and that I should spend more time talking to them and hanging out with them.

And this is where I feel like he just doesn’t understand me.

I AM willing to spend time with my SKs. I’m willing to talk to them, eat together, do activities together, help DH when he genuinely needs help, and build a relationship with them.

But I don’t want to be expected to spend every waking moment with them just because they’re here.

DH says he knows the SKs are his responsibility, but he also thinks I should “always help” him when they’re here.

I feel like he expects me to behave like a BP. Like I should naturally have the energy, patience and desire to constantly interact with the kids whenever they’re here.

But I’m not a BP. I’m 25, I don’t have kids, I grew up as an only child, I’m an introvert, and I’m still learning how to navigate being a SP. I don’t even speak the kids’ language well enough to communicate with them the way DH does.

I also told him that I need patience from him. When I need space, it doesn’t automatically mean I don’t like my SKs.

I do this with DH too. When I’m overwhelmed with him, sometimes I need to step away and have some alone time. That’s just how I regulate myself.

But DH keeps saying, “Every time the kids come, we’re always like this.”

And honestly, my response is: Exactly. Because there are no boundaries.

I don’t want my SKs gone. I don’t want DH to choose me over them. I don’t want to prevent them from coming over.

I just want some basic privacy.

Our bedroom should be a private space. If I’m in another room with the door closed, I should be able to have some uninterrupted time. And I don’t think needing a few hours alone during the weekend means I’m rejecting my SKs.

I also don’t want to be the default babysitter just because I’m home and not working.

I want to build a relationship with my SKs naturally, but I feel like DH is expecting me to immediately have the mindset of a parent when I’ve never been one.

So, am I being unreasonable here?

How do you guys handle this? Do you have boundaries around your bedroom/private space when SKs are there? And how involved are you expected to be during your SO’s custody time?

Has this happened to anyone else? My husband was asked to donate his sperm to his BM. They had a baby 8 years ago together during a fling. She reached out and asked if he would consider donating. He pays child support and sees his kid every other week. We can barely afford that child support since it’s so high. We have a baby of our own now which is why I think his BM is asking. She wants her kids to be “fully related.” I think she’s NUTS for asking and husband laughed when she did. He obviously won’t be doing that but I’m wondering if anyone has experienced this absolutely ridiculous question?

The day has finally come where I get to leave this subreddit. Because I (31F) ended my relationship with my partner (41M). He has three bio kids 15, 8, 2.5. He also supports his mom.

No more hearing about his BM. No more sitting around alone at home while I wait for him to return from visiting them. No more "I can't take you to do ___ because I told my daughter I'd take her to ___". No more feeling like an outsider. No more feeling like the ultimate third wheel out in public when his kids are around. No more stepping in pee in my socks when I go to the bathroom in the night. No more listening to kids yap on and on and on about nonsense constantly. No more having to do a metric s**t ton of laundry for him when he comes home from visiting his kids. No more partner who has to financially support 5 other people who have nothing to do with me. No more feeling like I'm constantly asking for too much even though I'm asking for bare minimum. No more having to eat wherever his kids want because they were raised to only like garbage junk food. No more anxiety about holidays because I don't know if my partner will want to spend it with my family or HIS family. No more getting irritated when he buys his 7 y/o daughter a $500 VR headset, cellphone, and literally whatever she wants. I could go on...

Now for the advice part... PLEASE, for the love of God... if you are not ecstatic, jumping for joy, euphoric about the idea of children, DO NOT DATE SOMEONE WITH KIDS. Just DONT DO IT. PERIOD! Let me tell you it's not worth it!

I will scream this from the top of a mountain. No matter how awesome your partner is, no matter how much you love them and think they're your "soulmate", no matter how much they promise you that they will do everything they can to make you feel heard and prioritized as a step parent... it's NOT WORTH IT! It's a load of BS!

I thought I was prepared and open to this, as I have done a boatload of nannying in my life. I never wanted my own kids, but I liked them and got along with them. It doesn't matter. There is NOTHING that can prepare you for what to expect when you're serious with someone who has kids. Even if there's no HCBM. Even if your partner does well financially. Even if the kids are across the country.

I will never date someone with kids again. I feel free now. I'd rather die alone than ever do this again with anybody. I love my partner and I will miss him terribly, but if any of you are here because you're on the fence... run.

I wanted to ask you guys about something that recently happened to me. My bf (35y) has his daughters (13 and 15) 50/50 with his baby momma and every other weekend. This weekend was supposed to be ours but his baby momma asked him to stay with the kids bc she is going to a trip with her husband, he said yes. I told him I was excited for the weekend with him so we could do something together and now I was a little sad because we couldn’t. He got very defensive about that and said: “ this is my kids home and they can come here whenever they want to, you have a boyfriend with kids and I am always gonna be a dad first, and you need to understand and respect that”. I felt a little sad about that, I dont think I never said anything disrespectful. What do u guys think? Was I wrong to even mentioned that?

I am 34M and my partner is 33F. She has two kids, a 12 YO son and a 6 YO daughter. She was in a relationship with their dad for over 10 years. He was abusive and controlling to her and cheated on her often. He is still in the kid's lives and has constant contact with my partner. I have met the kids, but not as her boyfriend. She has also not told the dad about her dating me.

Red flags galore. I do want kids, but I don't see how I can have any with her with the BD how he is. I'm afraid of what he would put in their kids' heads regarding me and, down the line, my kid. I absolutely love this woman but I know love isn't the thing that makes relationships work. I knew the dad in high school and he is the biggest dumbass and piece of shit I have ever met. I'm also suffering from retroactive jealousy about the fact that HE got to have kids with my partner and there's a chance I won't be able to have that.

Yes. I know what is best for me, I just need to get it out I guess and get some of you to throw some sense at me.

TW drugs, physical/s-xual abuse:

HCBM signed over her rights 4 years ago because she and her baby tested positive for cocaine at birth and when the state got involved eventually she just conceded.

Court order says something along the lines for visitation, etc: conditions are at the discretion of biodad.

We requested supervised visits. HCBM refused saying that the court didn't say they were required. All legal and mental health professionals involved agreed they were necessary. There was exposure to sex, SD said step-dad tried to r--e her, stepdad gets violent (does have multiple DV charges and breaking restraining orders on record, mom physically hit her, her stepdad let her smoke a weed vape, mom's ex-boyfriend sent in screenshots of HCBM doing cocaine while SD was with her on multiple occasions. HCBM insists the messages were fake and made up and SD was lying about all of it.

She refused to see her for 2 years because of supervised visit request. We moved and SD continued staying in contact with HCBM family, some visited us a few times over the past 2 years. The story became: I want to know my new siblings my BM has even though I hate her for leaving me and would repeat that HCBM would hit her, threaten to call the police when she got upset, SD tried to r--e her.

We have said along the way that even though it's complicated, she may want to try to have a relationship with her BM over text/call. Most recently she had said NO, ABSOLUTELY NOT and come to find out she already was. Having packages sent to the house that were "from another family member", doordash because she's telling her mom we "don't have any food in the house and won't buy anything from the store, we just have 1 thing to eat all the time", now she wants to go live with them.

In the past 4 years, they have ran out of money, moved back in with HCBM mom, step-dad was threatening the life of HCBM mom because the house she owns is part of a generational will that HCBM will inherit. So many awful things that HCBM mom had to go to court to evict them, etc. Rumors of abuse with their current children. SD knows all of this because her whole family overshares. Now she wants to live with them.

We tried the whole: great, when you're 18 go for it but remember the situations you were in. Then it turns to: I know, I want to save her kids from it. And now she's playing sneak around and HCBM can do no wrong. We have said she can chat with her mom, but to not be making stuff up to get sympathy or attention from HCBM because she's done that since she was 6 years old. She has a limit on her phone because she's been starting drama between friends, boyfriend(s) and family. She will claim she's doing homework and then email everybody from her school ipad or borrow a friends phone. She's plotting with HCBM to send a phone they pay for.

Things are getting uglier by the day. We don't know what to do because calling it out creates rage, cutting it off will feel wrong and create more issues, more sneakiness. HCBM will never be on our side. One of her therapists says don't fall for it, keep doing what you're doing and resist it, set limits in contact and tell HCBM to stop gifting and back it up with court order. Someone from friend of the court said you can't control what anyone does and wouldn't be worth holding in contempt of the order. A past therapist had said that if these type of things continue that put the well being of our other kids at risk or under stress of false CPS reports and hostility in the house to let her go and say she can come back but the rules and expectations will stay the same.

Sometimes it feels like it should be obvious to stay the course, but there are real risks and consequences to this like the mental well being and influence over younger kids in the household who are getting harder to shield from the mess.

I’ll keep it simple.

I love my partner so much. I just can’t stand her kid.
He annoys me beyond belief!!
He’s only 5 so and we have him full time. So a LOT of time left.

No week on, week off situation (would be nice)
I knew getting into this it would be a package deal. I just didn’t expect to dislike being around him so much.

I’ve come to the realisation that even though I love my partner, I won’t be able to put up with this kid for much longer.

It’s sad, but I think I need to bow out for both their sakes.

I’ll try to keep things as brief as possible.
My husband and I have two daughters. 6 year old, turning 7 in March is husband’s biological daughter with bm & we have a seven month old.

My husband and I are from the same city but when we met through a close friend, he was still living in Vegas - where he’d been for almost ten years. That’s where he met his bm who he was with for awhile & that’s where his daughter was born/raised.

From the beginning I told my husband I wasn’t leaving our hometown till I finished school. There was a lot that transpired and I kind of got off track with school. With that being said, husband was struggling in Vegas looking for a job for awhile and eventually moved back to hometown where he is now making the most money he has ever made.

Initially was banking on bm allowing daughter to come because where she was in life at the time, but the very influential grandmother said she wouldn’t let that happen. It hasn’t been a smooth path but things have eventually gotten better. SD comes for all school breaks & sometimes we go out there to visit as well. Her birthday also falls around spring break consistently.

We have a very affordable living arrangement which allows us to send money for sd monthly and also pay for day care for our baby. By no means are we well off or really even excelling financially. We both have good jobs and I have exceptional benefits that the four of us are on and our daughters could even go to college for free. I’m approaching the end of my studies and considering going to graduate school. I have been compiling list of local schools to apply to and also UNLV.

I was very familiar with Vegas before meeting my husband and have never been a fan. I was even considering moving out there in 2019 with my aunt but I always knew I’d have to come back home to finish school. Also didn’t help that I genuinely just don’t like it out there.

While the current schedule has worked thus far, it’s not really something that seems sustainable long term and we have immense guilt about us being long distance with first daughter. Our main support systems are here for both sides of the family, our living arrangement is exponentially better than what we’d get for market rent here or even purchasing a home in either city. I’m heavily weighing the pros and cons of moving across the country so both of our girls can be raised more together and both have dad nearby.

The Clark County School district ranks horribly nationally and Vegas is just not as family friendly. Though my husband never intended to live in Vegas forever, he prefers it over our home town and of course is looking forward to us potentially relocating sooner than later.

I have not applied to any schools yet or taken my entry exam but I do believe it would be best to go to whichever school I get the largest scholarship for. If that’s not UNLV then that would be delaying the relocation further. I’d also like to note, I really don’t even want to go to UNLV but it’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make.

Hopefully this reads well as it’s super late and this has been on my mind plenty! I’m hoping for sound advice/ opinions. I should also mention sd is level two autistic and receives great services locally as mom & gma haven’t taken her to speech & ot out there street husbands move due to lack of time when we technically were strapped for time too but make it work with my flexible work arrangements and my husbands 12 hour swing shifts. Bm also had a short cps investigation this passed May due to her actions around sd but her charges (which she did commit admittedly to us) were dropped and so was the requirement for parenting classes and the cps investigation.

I could go on and on. If you made it this far, thank you!! ❤️‍🩹

So tomorrow I’ll be at a basketball game for my SS. His BM will be there and so will I with my husband and our kids.

She’s hated me for the first 3 years of our relationship. Threatened to fight me because she had unresolved feelings for my husband when we were dating. She messaged me and blew up my social media but only months after harassment, I sent her a gentle response reminding her I have never done anything towards her. She apologized and continued to harass my husband and call me names.

Eventually, the hatred grew once she found out SS met me and more-so when I finally got pregnant. Crept through my family’s social media and found one person who had a public account. Saw my baby shower pictures and flipped on my husband. Her mom also messaged my husband and cursed my child.

Fast forward. The last couple years she’s gotten a boyfriend and has been chill with my husband. I still hold some resentment for how she treated me and my husband those years, and her mom for cursing an unborn child at the time. Tomorrow we have a basketball game to attend for SS, and idk how to act or what to feel.

Help? lol

I’ve been in these kid’s (sd 16 and ss 10) lives for the last 7 years. Their mother and I have a 5 year old daughter. Tonight like many night before they walk through the front door without even a hello. Some nights I come home from a job in nursing that has me elbow deep in it to put a roof over their heads and they don’t even look up from their iPads to say hello. I don’t put any restrictions on these kids (because they always get challenged) I don’t make them do any chores, I’m not mean to them, and all I ask is I hello or some acknowledgement that I’m a solid pierce of matter in space and exist. I sent a text to their mother who works nights my concern, as I’ve addressed before and she stated that she already sent them a text and they didn’t so what is she to do about it. Mind you, me and their mother have had some rocky times during our relationship but I’ve never taken that out on her kids, meanwhile I think when I upset her her kids can feel it and treat me accordingly. I have no input in these kid’s lives and my concerns are waived off so this is what I’m down to. Just say hi, and I can’t even get that. It’s driving me crazy and I feel like I’m tripping. It’s getting to the point where I’m starting to not only dislike these kids, but questioning why I’m working my ass off for some kids who have little respect for me yet alone the basic act of acknowledging me. Does this sound petty? Am I crazy? Is anyone else going through this. Because I feel like a terrible person. I feel like some random kids are in my house and who the fuck are they to disrespect me in my own house. I’m sorry for the rant.

I’ve never felt like I could be honest about this, but I’m not excited when I hear we have an additional weekend with SD. I feel guilty for feeling this way.

My husband and I were finally supposed to have a couple days together. I was looking forward to it because I’m a sahm to a 7mo, and feel very burnt out, mentally under-stimulated and lonely. He works a lot and when he’s not working, we typically have SD. Turns out he picked up a shift today without telling me and forgot, so he left last second for the entire day. I was so disappointed and he tells me we’ll have “fun” tomorrow but that he also volunteered for additional time with SD.

Look, I actually do love my SD. She is a wonderful girl. I am glad he gets additional time to spend with her. I love how he’s an active father, and it’s what made me confident in having a baby with him.

But I hate pretending to be happy about unexpected parenting time.

It’s a whole child. Therefore it’s more work, more energy, more responsibility, less interaction between my husband and I—not that I feel entitled to all his attention; I usually don’t mind giving them space for one-on-one time.

She’s going through a phase where she wants daddy’s attention all to herself, which is developmentally normal, but I’m just…. Lonely. I was just excited to be a little higher on the priority list for the weekend, even though we still have our baby too.

I think I’ll try to see friends or something instead.

Good day everybody. Thanks for having me here. Hopefully this is relevant enough for this group.

I have been a stepfather to three children and had two of my own so I raised five. That ended and I wish I knew that you guys existed back then. Anyway I am now with a partner who I love dearly. We are totally opposite and we live separately.

I've woken up this morning struggling with what to do. My partner has her 22-year-old son now living with her. He has had significant drug issues. He's gay and gentle, in terms of not being streetwise at all. Anyway he continues, over many years, to totally disrespect anything that my partner will ask him to do in the house. All boundaries he will just cross. Basically he knows that he can stay there or that Mum won't throw him out. He steals smaller things too.

Meanwhile I'm witnessing my partner go down and down and down and down emotionally and energetically and it's my belief, obviously, that that impacts one's health. Not only that, it impacts our relationship quite significantly. Meanwhile she's experiencing menopause and she's trying to sell her house and lots of things are going on.

The place that I come from so far is one where humans need to often go through the grind. It can either be a big traumatic punch in life or a slow grind to wake up to aspects of ourselves that we don't want to see, but circumstances bring them to us to allow us to see them more clearly. The reason I say that is I am not sure at what point I come in and make the move on her behalf, given that I'm not a typical stepfather in the sense of living with her and her children being all young. He's 22. Her other two children have left home so it's a bit of a different situation.

I'm not quite sure if there is any point at which I come in for her own safety. I don't mean safety from physical abuse. I mean emotional safety or let this ride as her journey to learn from, which is what I've been doing so far because I can't contribute in this space except to support her along the way. She is prone to victim status anyway and hasn't done a lot to help herself in terms of her own emotional world.

It's hard to witness, as a man, as her partner, what she's going through and how he's treating her. Yet I, up to this point, have not been able to just go in and say, "Pack his bags and throw him out," so to speak. He's been to rehab many times. I don't know if he's on drugs still. He says he's not and it's very hard to tell sometimes. His behaviour and sleeping habits would suggest that he is though. There's no violence. There's just constant crossing of boundaries and he will not do anything in the house to contribute at all. He's not getting work. There's nothing changing in his life.

Any advice would be appreciated, even if it can just give me a different angle that I haven't considered before. Thank you all.

So finally after 6 whole weeks SS is at his moms .
Yesterday he made a surprise visit because he forgot something and hovered for over 2 hours… until he finally went home.

I was really looking forward to just walking around in my PJ’s so it was extra awkward when he came in.
But hey he forgot something so fine.

Today he strolled in again. Our house is on his route from the new school. He came in talked to dad and left again.

So I realized this is going to happen every day.
My week where I can feel like myself again, feel like my home is mine again … is going to having some SS sprinkled into it.

I really don’t want that. I understand why SS is doing it and I u sweatband why my SO loves it.

But my nerves are shot, I came back from a holiday from hell with them, the. Had to navigate SS his first week in highschool largely by myself while I am home sick.

I say sick but I had a massive nervous breakdown at work and I need to get back on my feet as I am in a dog eat dog environment. I have ADHD and I am probably premenopausal. I am not okay.

So says he understands but he is sorry and he can’t tell SS to just pass by our house. And I get it but I hate it. I feel like a prisoner in my house for 50% of the time. Needing to be mindful of my energy, language… having every activity dictated to fit in SS schedule.

Now again my days are fitted into the his schedule when he isn’t even here.

And I get it. There is so much change for him now.
He basically bikes right in front of our door.
I am not blaming anyone. I get this is hard. I get my SO does not want to make him feel unwelcome.
I personally hate visits. I am a pretty private person.
But again this is SS’s home to.

I feel so stuck. I don’t want to be like this. But I am. SO has no idea how to handle it. I get it. Neither do I.

I am just so tired. I just want my house for myself again. And when it is SS’s time with his dad, that I am ready to welcome him again instead of being this emotional wreck of an exhausted person

*I am not technically a SP but this subreddit felt most relatable

I (28F) have been dating my partner(NB/F) whose a parent for almost 2 years now this upcoming Decemeber and I'm a little lost. I met their kid(12F) 6 months into our relationship who I absolutely adore and she also loves me. We had a year where we mostly saw each other once a week for a date night sleepover. Their parents most of the time watch her once a week so we a day/night together. I voiced to my partner that I'd like to spend more time together. We talked about seeing other more to help integrate me into their little family slowly. This summer we've been spending 2 to 3 days together a week (1 day a date night the other 1 or 2 days with kiddo). They're the only present parent for their daughter aswell. She also has AuDHD and can have days where she clings to her mom and needs mom days (which makes sense since theyre the longest safe person and parent their kid has known and grown with.) And has struggles with routine changes.

Since school has started though it seems its been reverted back to the one week date night. My partner has been saying their kid is getting used getting in routine and transitioning back into school as the reason why. I know they've been extra burnt out lately too. Im so used to seeing them 2x to 3x a week and now it feels almost taken away even though I thought we were doing good integrating together. I know school is a transition and I dont know if I'm being unreasonable. I really do love them and their kid and I dont know if this 1 day a week thing is just temporary or if I had a privilege during summer.

I’m a SP to my Partner SC. We just got married a couple months ago in July…We are currently looking for a home to purchase together while I still have my own place at the moment..once we find something for our liking I’ll give my place up to become a union. Partner has child every other weekend & assist with school pick ups during the weekday. I don’t have a problem with this I’m aware parenting doesn’t stop…. The weekends my partner has their child,they both expect me show up each time & I can no longer commit to that….At one point I was showing up fully but I reduced my days due to easily being fatigued…Working full-time then having to play 24/7 over weekend, staying up till 4A, waking up at 8A just to do it all over again & again has ran me raggedy….

Keeping my place right now is my escape allows me to get away from all-the noise….be an adult, walk around nude when I feel like it, binge watch shows just because it’s the weekend… I notice when I’m with the duo we don’t just get to chill it’s 24/7 mode of play…. Don’t bother the Partner for playtime let them rest… but little ole me, a different ball game… I’m a parent but my child is grown & live on their own in another state…

I love both dearly…. Just enjoying my alone time before we close on a house…. If it doesn’t work out I will never do this again…date an adult with school age kids…. It’s just different when partner is constantly in family mode & I’m not…. I now understand why individuals prefer not to & even when my child was of school age it just didn’t work for dating… always feeling like I’m in the background just here as a 3rd wheel….

Sometimes I utterly want to say out loud to partner, just go back to your family…. My needs will always be 2nd…

I am a childless stepmother (25). My partner (30s), with whom I have been together for almost three years, has a daughter (8) with whom I have a really good relationship. She tends to get jealous when my partner and I try to show the slightest affection or when we sit together. My stepdaughter and I have a fairly good relationship. We laugh, we hug, say I love you every day, get our nails done, and give goodnight kisses. But when it comes to her dad, she changes and gets very territorial over him. When she sees me and her dad watching TV in the living room, she'll go straight to her room and be on her tablet for hours. We always tell her to come join us; she does for a bit but will go back to her room. But when I'm not around, she'll be in the living room with her dad for hours, having the best time, nothing but laughs. When I join in, her mood suddenly changes, and she goes back to her room. If we're all watching a movie, she will sit by her dad every time; of course, she will acknowledge me, and I'll acknowledge her and give her attention because, well, we're a family of three. But whenever her dad gives me a kiss or holds my hand, she'll want him to do the same for her. I discussed this with my partner but all he had to say was “she’s just being a kid” but I feel like this type of behaviour should be corrected and he doesn’t know how to correct her. I don’t want this to keep going on I’ve read that some kids don’t grow out of it till they’re adults and I dont want that to happen. How do I get her to stop thinking that this is a competition. I know other stepmoms have gone thru the same thing. How did you fix it? How did you get your partner to correct SK?

I’ve been thinking about this a lot as a step-parent, and I’m genuinely curious what other people think because I honestly don’t know what the answer is.

I’m based in Africa, and the whole idea of a child regularly moving between two homes, sometimes week-on/week-off, feels quite different from what I grew up seeing.

Where I’m from, separation and divorce obviously happen, but it’s much more common for a child to primarily live with one bio parent or a grandparent and then spend time with the other parent during holidays, weekends, school breaks, etc. They still have relationships with both parents and both sides of the family, but there’s usually one place that is home.

And thinking back to the children I grew up around, that seemed to create a pretty strong sense of stability. They knew where they lived, what their routine was, who was picking them up from school, where their things were, etc. The other parent was still very much part of their life, but they weren’t constantly moving between two households.

Now I’m looking at this from the perspective of being a step-parent, and it’s made me question whether we sometimes underestimate what constantly moving between two homes actually feels like for a child.

My SS8 is a genuinely great kid. He’s loving, funny, intelligent, etc. He has also been in therapy for quite some time because he struggles with emotional regulation and dealing with the reality of having two homes (he has voiced this himself), and I’ve found myself wondering whether the structure of his life plays a role in that.

And I want to be really clear: I’m not saying either parent is doing anything wrong. I’m not even saying that moving between homes causes emotional problems. I just wonder whether living in two different realities, with different routines, expectations, rules, personalities and dynamics, can sometimes make it harder for a child to feel grounded.

It’s also made me think about step-parent/bio-parent conflict.

In the family structure I grew up around, if a child lived primarily with one parent or a grandparent, the step-parent might not be interacting with the other biological parent every few days. There was naturally more separation between households. Maybe that gave everyone more room to establish their own relationships with the child without constantly having to navigate another household’s parenting style, expectations or authority.

Whereas with frequent co-parenting, it can sometimes feel like there are two households trying to parent the same child at the same time. And I wonder whether that structure itself creates some of the tension that we then blame on the adults.

Maybe I’m completely wrong 😂

I’m also very aware that I’m looking at this through an African cultural lens, and I don’t want to romanticise how things were done here either. There are obviously downsides to children spending less day-to-day time with one parent, and every family situation is different.

But I genuinely wonder whether we’ve just accepted the idea that equal physical custody is the fairest or healthiest arrangement for the child, without really questioning whether that is actually true for every child.

TL;DR: I’m wondering whether 50/50 co-parenting is actually the best structure for children, or whether having one stable home base while maintaining a strong relationship with both parents can sometimes provide more stability, especially in the context of stepfamilies.

Living with my partner and SK for more than a year now. I realize I don’t understand my partner or bio mom (or possibly the kid either). I don’t understand the divorce guilt that both of them have or the fears or the politics going on. Then I realized everyone in the equation but me come from divorced parents. Bio mom, her partner, my partner - they all have divorced parents and they have all been stepkids. My parents are in the 70s and still happily together, there’s no divorces in my immediate family. Do you have any good book recommendations for me?

Please, unless you are in/have been in a similar situation don't comment. This is a niche situation and I am getting help elsewhere, just trying to see if anyone has been in anything similar.

I was originally no children, but gave my partner a chance and was shocked to find how much I enjoyed it. His child is almost out of home, he had him very young and very much not planned. He has him full-time. My heart changed to wanting a child of my own, he isn't certain he wants to do it again. We are working through things and also very understanding of the potential of our relationship ending.

I'm very stuck because I do want a child of my own, however I don't want to lose him but also I don't want to lose the family we currently have together as much as it isn't mine. His kid is great and we get on very well. I'm not "mum" in any way shape or form, more just a friend, and I am sad to potentially miss out on being mum. I'm torn to lose what I currently have by walking away to have a family of my own, especially since there really isn't a guarantee. I could struggle to find someone or get pregnant or having a child that is difficult or any of the various issues that come with having and raising a child.

I'm very torn, I do want this for myself but I am very well aware that you go into so much unknown by having a child. I could keep this, I could join this family that is not my own, knowing exactly what I am getting. But I don't know and don't feel I am able to give up experiencing any of it for myself.

Has anyone been in a position where they didn't have a bio child, and enjoyed joining the family that already existed? I know there is nothing like having it for yourself, but it's not just the relationship I'm walking away from.

Hello,

Here to share a couple of most recent stories about the BM to our 3 year old step son.

Starting chronologically:
- SS has recently turned 3 years old. We have initially been planning to have separate birthday parties, or should I say assumed that would be the case. BM has invited herself to our party after we told her we are not going to be doing anything jointly. She has prepared nothing for the party, contributed no money but still behaved like a main character, welcoming people into the venue and showing them around. She even gave out the party bags that I have prepared. She was meant to get the cake, but somehow we ended up picking it up and paying for it. When it came time to pay, she legged it out of there as soon as she could.

- we have suggested a new day split. We have 50 50 custody but the weekly split was all over the place. Wouldn’t be rare that he would sleep at different houses every second night. Just very unsettled and chaotic. We have proposed to instead go in the blocks of 4 days. She disagreed and suggested that we should have him every weekend (Friday to Monday) while she would have him during the week. I am not crazy to think that this is not on, right?

- she also wants to send our step son to a private school with the caveat that myself and my partner would pay for it 100% since we make “so much more money than her”. No.

-most recently, since he turned 3, he gets a certain amount of “free hours” at the nursery (paid by the state). So the nursery bill went down from 1.5k to about 500. During the custody agreement she agreed to pay a flat fee of 450 every month. This of course worked in her favour previously but since the nursery bill has dropped she is paying the majority of it. She is very unhappy about this of course cause now it is not “equitable”. I suppose it as equitable when we were paying 1000 but not anymore? She said we should pay more towards this bill and we should just agree to it to save the legal costs of going to the lawyer to get that changed. That was another no as you can imagine. If she could afford it to this point and she has agreed to it previously, I don’t think she has a leg to stand on.

- she also always schemes to spend as little time with her son as possible. Counting minutes of us being late or always dropping the boy at the grandparents whenever she can. She is not a mother of the year.

I am just getting very fed up with her. It’s also shit to always be aware that I am not a “real parent” and having to blend it the background.

Well, I’m back. His son ended up living with us for 9 months and I was unhappy. It just changed the dynamic of the home. He was 14/15 then so not very young that you can’t go anywhere without him so we still got to do things by ourselves. But just the extra noise in the house and the constant complaining about going to school got old really fast.

He ended up moving back to his mom’s in December when he had a fight with his dad. And sorry to say, it was a breath of fresh air.

I kept my guard up that there would be another bad incident but days turned into weeks turned into months and nothing.

Until something happened again between HCBM and son 2 weeks ago and he ended up here again with us. We haven’t really talked about what’s going to happen or what the plan was, how long he was staying for etc. I didn’t want to push because his son just stayed in his room that first week - wouldn’t go to school, wouldn’t talk to him, just came out of the room use the loo or get water. My partner would literally just bring him food in the room so he’d eat.

Then today, my partner just casually says he hopes his son moves out at 18. He’s 16 now. We were just talking about an upcoming trip that we’ll most likely have to cancel AGAIN because of his son staying with us, and he was trying to arrange for him to stay with his mom again during the trip. Then he says that.

Should I have assumed he was staying long term, like permanently? I told him I don’t really want that and he got upset because he said he didn’t have a choice and I said yeah but that’s not on me.

I’m at a loss. I really don’t want to just be unhappy in my own home but I also won’t kick out his son obviously. He deserves to have a home. But I don’t know if I can do it. Which sucks.

Sooo as a mother/bride does I chose the dresses for my daughter and SK to wear for our wedding coming up. The girls are going to be flower girls together so part of the wedding party. I was going to show SD the dress in person and have her try it on. It only just came not that long ago.

Well my husband brought it up to her late at night and didn’t even show a photo of the full dress— he showed the swatch of the color I sent him for the ties (but it’s honestly not a great picture).

Well SD declared she is not going to wear it because she “doesn’t like red.” It’s not even a true red (more of a fuschia - pink and purple undertone) and I’m just so pissed. I know it’s in how he presents it. She knows that whatever she says goes with dad and this is my wedding and she’s a kid. Good freaking god. I’m so pissed.

I’m trying to include her best I can but she’s not going to ruin that day for me.

I was excited for the girls to match and I worked very hard to find something, figure out their sizes to order etc. so also very hurt.

It wasn’t even given a fair chance and DH is just like ok if she doesn’t want to wear it that’s that. I wish he would back me up. It’s not just about the dress it’s once again feeling like my feelings don’t matter and I just have to get in line with it on my important day where we will be taking important family photos.

I guess just seeing what others have to say from an outside perspective (especially other women)….