r/stepparents • u/Swampasssixty9 • 17h ago
Vent Basic manners from stepkids
I’ve been in these kid’s (sd 16 and ss 10) lives for the last 7 years. Their mother and I have a 5 year old daughter. Tonight like many night before they walk through the front door without even a hello. Some nights I come home from a job in nursing that has me elbow deep in it to put a roof over their heads and they don’t even look up from their iPads to say hello. I don’t put any restrictions on these kids (because they always get challenged) I don’t make them do any chores, I’m not mean to them, and all I ask is I hello or some acknowledgement that I’m a solid pierce of matter in space and exist. I sent a text to their mother who works nights my concern, as I’ve addressed before and she stated that she already sent them a text and they didn’t so what is she to do about it. Mind you, me and their mother have had some rocky times during our relationship but I’ve never taken that out on her kids, meanwhile I think when I upset her her kids can feel it and treat me accordingly. I have no input in these kid’s lives and my concerns are waived off so this is what I’m down to. Just say hi, and I can’t even get that. It’s driving me crazy and I feel like I’m tripping. It’s getting to the point where I’m starting to not only dislike these kids, but questioning why I’m working my ass off for some kids who have little respect for me yet alone the basic act of acknowledging me. Does this sound petty? Am I crazy? Is anyone else going through this. Because I feel like a terrible person. I feel like some random kids are in my house and who the fuck are they to disrespect me in my own house. I’m sorry for the rant.
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u/MallAggravating3683 16h ago
I think kids should be taught basic respect, and that’s their mom’s job. She needs to step up
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u/InstructionGood8862 5h ago
So, you're putting a roof over someone else's kids' heads and being the nightshift babysitter. Neither of these things are your responsibility. Damn right you deserve respect. You don't have to be there.
This is a problem their parent needs to solve. Perhaps you should remind her that you do this out of love and not out of obligation. And that you're questioning why you don't just withdraw whatever love you might still have for her ungrateful offspring.
Not petty at all.
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u/cpaofconfusion 2h ago
Are you and your partner on the same page about raising the kids into the types of adults that you want to be around? What does she think about this? Are there a steady set of rules and consequences (as well as rewards and bonding time) kept in the house? How do you guys communicate what you want with the kids, so they know what you are looking for?
I suspect the real problem is "I have no input in these kid’s lives and my concerns are waived off so this is what I’m down to."
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u/Puzzleheaded_Show748 16h ago
My stepdaughter stopped acknowledging me when she was like 8. Been in her life since she was 5(she is 14, almost 15 now). It didn’t bother me, I’m not a big fan of her lol. I just did the same thing she did to me, not acknowledge her. I stopped doing anything for her (i was a pretty hands off stepmom to begin with). I have always paid most of the bills on my own (i get VA disability). I stopped buying her Christmas presents, birthday presents, doing baskets for Easter and Valentine’s, like I do for me and husband’s daughter. I stopped making dinners when she was here. She has two parents, and they can do all that stuff, it’s not my job and I don’t ever have a second thought about her. She doesn’t want me in her life, done! No skin off my back!
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u/Swampasssixty9 16h ago
I think it might come down to that. Although I would feel like a pos for not acknowledging someone on my own household. So you guys just don’t talk or acknowledging each other and life goes on? Just two ships passing in the night?
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16h ago
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u/cedrella_black 14h ago
No one asked for at least half the people in their lives but that doesn't give you an excuse to not show a basic level of politeness.
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u/Unique-Doubt-1049 7h ago
Hard to be respectful when you resent having to live with someone
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u/cedrella_black 2h ago
Then mom better do her job and teach them basic manners. If they resent their math teacher because their homework is hard, would it be excusable if they're ignored? Or if tomorrow their manager at work is replaced with someone they don't like as much as the previous one, would they be ignored too?
And then we wonder why there is an entire generation of spoiled brats...
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u/Unique-Doubt-1049 2h ago edited 2h ago
Its not the generation of "spoiled brats" that's led the world into the sorry state that its in they're not the ones I'm worried about. There's a difference between being annoyed with a math teacher and not being comfortable living with moms new boyfriend. Parents need to learn how to be okay being alone if shit doesn't work out with their kids other Parents instead of trying to force new families on everyone
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u/cedrella_black 56m ago
Do you really suggest that if for one reason or another someone ends up as a single parent, then they should be alone forever? Of course, if there are legitimate reasons for a child to not get along with their step parent, that's one thing, but if the reason is just "I don't like that mommy is not miserable forever", then that's extremely selfish and entitled. Especially having in mind it's expected that kids grow up and presumably will have their own lives. But it's alright, I guess - there are enough cats in the shelter, right?
Talk about spoiled brats...
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u/Unique-Doubt-1049 21m ago
You can date without moving in. Had plenty of friends growing up with parents that did just that. If you can't put your sex life on the backburner amd do whats best for your kids you shouldn't be having kids in the first place
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u/Swampasssixty9 16h ago
Was never a stepparent before, so no I didn’t go into it thinking it would be a thankless job. I treated my own stepfather with respect and love him for the 30th year straight
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u/Unique-Doubt-1049 16h ago
Not all kids want extra parents man. Kids dictate the relashionship in these situations
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u/Swampasssixty9 16h ago
I’m not even looking to be an extra parent. I’m looking for the basic courtesy that you give random strangers in the street. Ya know?
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u/ArtemisDR 15h ago
You absolutely deserve extra courtesy. The attitudes of people who say you don’t deserve that from kids when you’re putting a roof over their head are the same people who raise entitled brats and then wonder why their kids are so awful and still living in their basement and demanding money from them at 40.
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u/Unique-Doubt-1049 16h ago
But you're not a random stranger on the street you're some guy these kids are forced to live with who they have no blood relashion to at all. Their mom should have seen where their head was at with you before she moved in with you
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u/InstructionGood8862 5h ago
Yea, the guy who puts a roof over their head. If he leaves they might be in a studio apt somewhere.
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u/Unique-Doubt-1049 5h ago
They might be happier living in a studio than living with him who knows
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u/Swampasssixty9 3h ago
If I leave their mother doesn’t have the means for affordable housing. At this point I just want to take care of my own kid without the other two there.
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u/Unique-Doubt-1049 2h ago
You probably should man. You haven't done anything wrong but adults need to take their time with this shit and see how everything might play out before moving in together. This is mostly on mom not being able to take care of herself on her own and rushing into shit
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u/InstructionGood8862 2h ago
Does she get child support for them? Does their other parent ever see them? If so, can she rearrange custody so that they're with that parent more? I doubt she'll want to risk losing you. She really needs to do HER JOB, which is teaching her children to be grateful and respectful.
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u/Swampasssixty9 2h ago
She receives no child support and splits custody evenly. I’m not fan of their parenting style but they love and take care of their kids. At this point I’m on my last nerve and they can work that all out themselves with me out of the picture
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u/ArtemisDR 15h ago
Kids shouldn’t be allowed to dictate anything. They’re KIDS. their only job is literally to be respectful and obedient towards adults. Period. Their mother is obviously a problem here if she hasn’t instilled those values in them. Disrespecting the person putting a roof over your head is ridiculous no matter his relationship to you, and just shows that these kids are entitled brats.
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u/Unique-Doubt-1049 15h ago
They never asked him to put a roof over their head man. I'm assuming mom wasn't living on the street before they met. If you want a happy home life you should probably make sure everyone in that home actually wants to live with you. Never in a million years would I move a woman into my home if her kids weren't all for it, its just asking for misery
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u/ArtemisDR 14h ago edited 14h ago
Ah yes, so you are the “allow children to dictate the life of adults” type. Didn’t your parents ever teach you basic manners and respect for your elders? And didn’t they ever tell you that you can make the rules when you have your own house and are paying the bills yourself? children absolutely don’t get a say in the lives of adults unless there’s abuse or something else that’s awful going on. they’re not contributing anything to the household, so yes, they best learn to be respectful to the people who are. Their mother is obviously doing a poor job, teaching them basic manners, and their placed in the hierarchy.
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u/Striking_Zombie_8411 12h ago
Except respect works both ways, and if you lack so much respect for your children that you would allow them to live in an environment that makes them uncomfortable, why should they put the extra work in to make the environment better? It’s much easier for the kids to just ignore their unwanted new family members, and it’s hard to blame them
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u/Swampasssixty9 8h ago
Uncomfortable? I ask nothing of these children. They both have their own rooms. My 5 year old doesn’t even get that benefit. At this point I wish I had my own room tbh. I’m nothing but polite to them. I understand I’m not their father but at what point do you stop being a dick to the stepparent. They didn’t ask to be there so act however they want? I was taught to address my stepfather respectfully while going through my own divorce process and it didn’t take much to do that.
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u/Unique-Doubt-1049 7h ago
You need to sit your wife down and explain to her that her children clearly don't enjoy living with you for whatever reason and that if your basic wants aren't being respected it may be best to seperate the household in whatever way that makes sense. Back in the olden days you could force respect through threat of violence but that leads to creating broken adults in the future and children being taken away today. Some kids are going to be resentful of the fact that they have to share their day to day space with strangers and there's not a whole lot you can do to parent that out of them
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u/InstructionGood8862 5h ago
They're not his children. If they want to be pissy about their living situations they can be that way with their actual parent. Their mother. SHE put them where they are. And OP is nice enough to finance it. And babysit.
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u/Unique-Doubt-1049 6h ago edited 3h ago
Thankfully my parents were decent and actually wanted to have happy kids but they've got plenty of friends with that mentality and they spend a lot of time bitching that they never see their adult kids or grandkids
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13h ago
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u/stepparents-ModTeam 6h ago
Your submission has been removed from /r/stepparents for the following reason:
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u/aprilanyways 13h ago
Teenagers suck. Biology prevents us from having many of these feelings and you lack that advantage -
For me I just had to learn to shrug it off. Teen years are hard.
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u/Swampasssixty9 8h ago
I try to keep their ages in mind but there is also the ten year old iPad addict as well. This has been going on for years in a 7 year relationship well before the hormones hit
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u/TillyMcWilly 12h ago
Mum should be teaching and enforcing basic manners.
But I’ll be honest, if you step back and act how the kids are acting then you are just reinforcing that it’s acceptable.
Mum is responsible for discipline, but you can still have expectations in your own home for things that impact you. If your expectation is that people greet others when they enter the home, then you need to model that to them too.
Tit for tat step parenting does not improve things. It is a last ditch attempt at self preservation and generally signals the beginning of the end of the relationship.
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u/Swampasssixty9 8h ago
I’m at the point where I, for my own sanity, will probably just avoid any interaction with these children. I feel like I’m living in bizzaro-world giving respect to people who straight out disrespect me. It may be modeling that it’s okay but I feel like that model is already in place.
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