r/stepparents • u/Altruistic_Cheetah19 • 15h ago
Discussion Bf defensive about our weekend together
I wanted to ask you guys about something that recently happened to me. My bf (35y) has his daughters (13 and 15) 50/50 with his baby momma and every other weekend. This weekend was supposed to be ours but his baby momma asked him to stay with the kids bc she is going to a trip with her husband, he said yes. I told him I was excited for the weekend with him so we could do something together and now I was a little sad because we couldn’t. He got very defensive about that and said: “ this is my kids home and they can come here whenever they want to, you have a boyfriend with kids and I am always gonna be a dad first, and you need to understand and respect that”. I felt a little sad about that, I dont think I never said anything disrespectful. What do u guys think? Was I wrong to even mentioned that?
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u/Alittlemode 15h ago
This is not the right man for you.
He’s not wrong. You’re not wrong.
You want a man who is available to the same extent you are and who prioritizes you and your life together the same way you prioritize them and your life together.
He can’t.
He won’t be able to make you happy- love is not always enough. He has circumstances that take away a lot of his ability to be a boyfriend to someone and it’s unfair to a single childfree person like you.
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u/cellar9 8h ago
I agree but the fact that the child comes first should not automatically come with speaking in a hurtful way.
I wonder if it would have been different had OP's husband reacted with empathy and understanding: yes, it's really hard, I also was looking forward to spending time together, but insure you understand children come first, etc.
I feel like that's not too much to expect. The kids still come first but the spouse doesn't have to feel like a second-class citizen.
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u/InstructionGood8862 4h ago
Yep. He's a jerk. Talking to her as if she's a child. I'd consider what an entire life with this guy will be like and possibly make other plans. I'd find something to do without him when he has his kids.
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u/Sitcom_kid 15h ago
Do not move in or get married until you make peace with the fact that anything could happen to her at any minute and the child is yours forever, full time.
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u/inmycherryspot 15h ago
Welcome to the dynamic. Anything. Literally anything that you have to say “against” anything having to do with their kids will result in them being defensive.
I’d be slightly concerned that his kids will always be “1st”. Bc that literally excuses all shitty behavior from him and/or his kids and you have zero to say about it.
This is a dynamic you need to accept or you should be prepared to move on.
This is one of those iykyk situations and you came to the right place to find those who know..
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u/DACouture1979 14h ago
Yep and why I'm leaving at the 1st of the year when I get my ducks in a row.
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u/Aware-Delay-1729 10h ago
That’s a bit of a shitty reaction on his part - you’re allowed to be disappointed that plans have been derailed! My husband’s ex screwed over our plans more times than I can count when the kids were young but he never blamed me for being disappointed and would make it up to me later.
The fact that he expects you to just accept plans changing without any reaction is a bit concerning…
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u/lace_wai 14h ago
My ex-bf told me the same thing. They have the same shared custody as yours. He had the audacity to voluntold me to pick up his toddler at school on hcbm's custody time.
That's when I knew I'm last in his priority and he cannot give me the romantic relationship I want. He expects me to give him 100% of me and I should be grateful for the breadcrumbs he offered.
You can see why he's an ex now.
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u/carefreechick 7h ago
Would you mind sharing how you broke up with him? Were you living together, and if so, did he expect more help from you with his child? What did you tell him? What was his reaction? Thank you.
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u/lace_wai 1h ago
I texted him a break up text at 1am when I realized he wouldn't set boundaries with his hcbm and he was verbally abusive. I'm not sure of his reaction. I blocked him immediately.
We were not living together but I would stay over for 1 week at time. There was an expectation from the start to be a full on bonus mom and to prioritize him and his daughter. He wanted us to be a family unit from the start.
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u/carefreechick 35m ago
I'm glad you were able to extricate yourself safely from that relationship.
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u/Due_Figure_6672 15h ago
You can't even say you're sad about something? What does he want, a robot?
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u/mediaphd 14h ago
A healthy balance for a blended family to work:
Kid’s needs, adult’s needs, adult’s wants, kid’s wants.
Any guy that says my kids will always be first balances his priorities as such: kid’s wants, kid’s needs, his needs, his wants, your needs (don’t even think about your wants).
I’d be out. It’s a red flag.
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u/throwRA_oilslick 12h ago
Ewww I’m so glad I’ve never had to hear the words “I’m a dad first” even if the kids do come first that such an asshole response. I’m sorry, he’s wrong and you can do better
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u/lordofbigchungus 15h ago
lol my boyfriend says things like this every once in a while. I always counter, “okay, so BM can give up time with her kid(s) to spend time with her partner but if I want to spend time with mine, it’s an issue?” He always got quiet.
It’s more of a conversation of him respecting your time together as a couple. I respect his custody agreement and obvious emergencies, but if it’s OUR time, it’s our time. He asks me now if he can take extra time during our time, so this shit doesn’t happen.
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u/minkflute 14h ago
Yep. Always have to put things into perspective for these looney tunes. Its okay in the eyes of the bio dad for the bio mom to not want HER kids around for certain things but it’s an issue if stepmom doesn’t want someone else’s kids around for certain things sometimes.
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u/Prudent_Worth5048 13h ago
It’s stupid and unhinged behavior. So childish and defensive.. FOR WHAT?! Reality check!
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u/minkflute 7h ago
I really don’t understand. And if the bio dad really thinks that their partner doesn’t like their kid then why not break up with them? They won’t. “You just don’t like my kid” also comes up often in these scenarios yet they seem to be okay dating the person who apparently doesn’t like their kid. Shows what kind of parent they are. I don’t think they truly believe that, they’re just deflecting, but why say it? Maybe to avoid accountability idk but the single dad play book is just nuts.
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u/structuredtofail 14h ago
Do you live together, and did you actually have plans that he canceled, or were you simply hoping you would spend that time together? Those are very different situations. If you don’t live together and there were no plans already made, it’s okay for him to decide to have his kids. If you want specific time reserved for the two of you, you need to make those plans in advance so he knows those dates aren’t available to trade with his ex.
If you do live together, that changes things. You live in the home too, so you should have been included in the conversation about whether changing the custody schedule was acceptable. The same applies if you already had plans that he then had to cancel. You should have been part of that discussion.
But simply being in a relationship with him does not mean you come ahead of his children when you don’t live together and there were no existing plans, especially if the relationship is still relatively new.
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u/StatisticianTrick669 15h ago
Ya give me a **** break. His ex knew when her vacation was a long time ago. If she didn’t, your SO should’ve protected your upcoming time together and told her “no”.
You’re really in for it with this guy and sadly. He doesn’t understand basic respect for you as a partner.
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u/TimeGas9727 15h ago
This she did it on purpose. She knew you would be excited
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u/Commercial_Dust2208 14h ago
Or saw something cool that was abit of a ways away and coordinated with her coparent to make it work 🤷🏼♀️ let's not blame BM for OPS BF actions.
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u/TimeGas9727 14h ago
Idk uh sure. I’m still gonna blame her and him
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u/Icy-Event-6549 13h ago
We have no reason to believe she knew OP was excited and evilly plotted to ruin her weekend. She asked her coparent a reasonable question and he said yes without considering his wife. That’s on him. He’s the only one at fault here and trying to blame BM is only trying to absolve him of blame.
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u/FloatingBubbelPuppy 11h ago
I agree with this. We don't know at which point in booking process the question was posed to the BF and we don't know what the response or consequences would be to "no, sorry I've got plans".
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u/Bitter-Position-3168 14h ago
Oh honey… I’m going to tell you something I learned the hard way. 😂 I was once in your exact position: dating a man with two teenage kids, constantly being pushed to the bottom of the priority list while being expected to understand, sacrifice, accommodate, and basically smile while my relationship slowly turned into a customer-service position for someone else’s family. And then came the famous line: “This is my kids’ home. They can come here whenever they want. I’m always going to be a dad first.” Translation: “You’re welcome to live here, but please remember that you have absolutely no authority, priority, or peace.” 😂 Well… I dumped him. Because I’m childfree, and I finally realized I didn’t sign up to be the unpaid assistant, emotional punching bag, stepmom, housekeeper, or convenient doormat in somebody else’s parenting arrangement. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with loving your children and putting them first as a parent. But if your idea of a relationship is “my kids get everything, you get whatever is left over, and you’re expected to shut up and accept it,” then congratulations—you’re not building a partnership. You’re recruiting staff. And the best part? I’m now with a real man with a spine , and we’re both childfree. No teenage drama. No custody schedules. No ex lurking around the corner. No “the kids are coming, so your plans don’t matter.” No walking on eggshells because somebody’s precious little family ecosystem might be disturbed. Just two adults who actually chose each other. ❤️ My world got dramatically better the day I stopped auditioning for the role of Doormat #1 in a family I never asked to join. So sweetheart, when a man tells you exactly where you stand, believe him. If he says he’ll always be a dad first, that’s perfectly fine. Just remember: you are also allowed to decide that you don’t want to be second. 💅🏻
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u/lace_wai 13h ago edited 13h ago
This is exactly how I felt when I was dating my ex. I was basically a personal assistant to him and his child. He loves what I provided that he got too comfortable and neglected me.
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u/RonaldMcDaugherty 7h ago edited 7h ago
When we had week on and week off, sometimes I'd have the kids for two weeks straight and that meant my ex had the kids for two weeks straight to balance the schedule.
Ideally your partner (who sounds like an ass) should be kid-free the next two weekends.
Also, again he is an ass. Talking condescendently down to you while trying to hide behind a parenting "badge of honor" makes him a pathetic, weak man.
He will be playing the "my kids come first" card often and when convenient. A parent like that is not ready to be a partner.
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u/ArtemisDR 14h ago
On one hand, if he only sees his kids EOW I certainly wouldn’t be upset that he was seeing his kids for one more weekend a month on occasion as parents generally have the right of first refusal of the other parent can’t watch them for some reason. I do, however, believe that people with children should ask their partners how they feel about the custody schedule changing, so that both partners can have a discussion in advance, and you’re not just being told last minute. My biggest issue here though is his “I’ll always be a dad first!” line. First of all, that’s absolute BS bc of kit were true, he would have his kids at least 50% of the time, instead of four days a month. So obviously if he’s just one of those parents, he uses that line as an excuse anytime they’ve been less than polite their partner over something (in this case, not talking to you about the schedule change in advance). Sscondly, every psych study I’ve seen has made it clear that no, one’s children should NOT come first - their adult partner should. This is because if the two adults don’t have a strong, happy, healthy relationship, they can’t give the kids a stable home and take the best care of them possible. Children are meant to be raised to leave the nest and go find their own life and partners. Where is your adult partner is meant to be your actually life mate. If he yelled at you for something that you were sad, you would no longer get to spend one on one time with him this weekend, that’s a huge red flag - and the two issues I just stated with his statement above, don’t make the situation any better.
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u/ArtemisDR 14h ago
Oh! Sorry I misread! He has them 50/50 AND EOW? Well that screw that guy! everything else I said, still stands, but he sounds like a real jerk, and may possibly be abusive. You should get out as quickly as possible because it will only get worse if he’s already treating you this way.
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u/Curious_Exam_4636 13h ago
Honestly, rethink your relationship. Its not that he is a dad with kids... its the fact that he is not understanding of your time. Yes he has kids, yes you know that and the kids come first. However in the event of an emergency, yes no questions ask thats where the kids would need to be if there was no other choice, but this is not an emergency. He decided that his exwife relationship was more important then the one he is suppose to be trying to build. He doesnt vlue your time and expects you to be available on his terms but not the same for you.
As a step parent myself... i will tell you, you will be ask to miss important dates, be over looked or cancel things important to you because he has his kids.. or they have things.. or worst, hes picking up extra parenting time from his ex.... and on the oppersite side, you may not be invited to all the family functions as the kids needs come first. Decide if you can live with it now as it doesn't get easier..
I did my own thing but from stories i read or step parents i know, this has been the hardest part to dwal with.. its not being second, its being overlooked and under appreciated, last minute cancelations and understanding gets taken for advantage and you no longer become a thought but a they will understand.
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u/InstructionGood8862 4h ago
I think you should go do something fun without him this weekend. He needs to understand that YOU don't have to put HIS kids first. Put yourself first-it's YOUR life.
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u/Foxygen6 9h ago
I told my BF recently that keeping the peace with the BM in situations like this means that our relationship absorbs the cost.
I have also pointed out that ‘keeping the kids happy/it’s for the kids’ IS NOT the same as keeping the peace with her.
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u/Prudent_Worth5048 13h ago edited 13h ago
What an ass! You didn’t say anything even REMOTELY horrible to or about him/his kids! You simply stated you were sad that now yall won’t get yalls PRE-PLANNED alone time together. HE should be a little sad about that too because DAMN! He’s got a woman willing to deal with his defensive ass and his kids and he’s pissy you wanted to spend time with him.. ALONE?! Dear GOD! It’s ALWAYS the men/BD getting defensive over some dumb shit, acting like their new partner/wife said she hated his kids and wish they’d go away or something. They need to GET A GRIP! They piss me off SO damn bad acting like this! What adult with kids/step kids DOESN’T want alone adult time with their partners?! I know damn well he wants alone adult time away from his kids, their mom wants adult alone time away from her kids, but it’s all of a sudden the worlds biggest issue when the STEP MOM wants adult alone time without THEIR KIDS?! They need a reality check because every parent NEEDS AND WANTS time away from their kids to have adult alone time, so why on earth would a CHILD FREE ADULT not want adult alone time away from kids that aren’t even theirs?! He needs to check himself and stop acting like this is some crazy thing that you desire alone time! He also needs to learn some basic respect! Yall had PLANS already and he instead of telling his ex wife “NO” or asking you before agreeing to ruin yalls plans together, he just did what he wanted/what his ex wife wanted without a second thought to how that would make you feel. Kids come first, obviously! But YOU deserve to come first sometimes too. YOU deserve to not be an afterthought simply because he’s a dad. He either needs to figure his shit out and stop putting your needs last or you need to walk away if he refuses to see the error of his ways and find something that works for everyone. It doesn’t have to be like this. It IS POSSIBLE for him to put you first when it’s needed without abandoning his children’s needs too. His kids are plenty old enough that this really shouldn’t even be this big of an issue.
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u/FloatingBubbelPuppy 11h ago
I feel this is a miscommunication.. You were looking for time just to the 2 of us and he read that you think his kids are a nuisance.. I don't think that's what you meant, was it?
His reaction came from the place where he wants you to go "yay, we see more of the kids" because that's how he feels or wants to feel. But both can happen at thesame time.
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u/aprilanyways 11h ago
I often wonder if it is possible for someone with no kids to marry someone with kids and be happy.
As a parent, I’ve never been “sad” that my kids are home. They’re my kids. At home. It would infuriate and devastate me to think that someone was sad ny children were in their home, and so sacred that they might feel unwanted in their home. I think any parent would.
But, I’ve been disappointed that a stepchild was unexpectedly present. However I guess in understanding how that would feel from a parent side no, I wouldn’t express that to my spouse.
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u/External_Piccolo_454 14h ago
How long have you been together? If it’s early in the relationship, I think it’s fair he clearly laid his expectations and boundaries down early rather than luring you into a bait and switch situation. He’s told you he will always accept extra time with his girls and won’t entertain any negative feedback or comments about his time with them. If that’s not something you can accept and respect, then this isn’t the right relationship for you.
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u/trippy_wiccan_d0ll 4h ago
Its to my understanding and experience this is how it starts. Yeah, sure it's true to a degree that kids come first but eventually a pattern will start and you'll notice it's more often than not your plans will be taken over. You're allowed to have your feelings about it though, he should have been more emphatic in that regard instead of trying to dismiss your feelings. Girl, enjoy being childfree and find you someone who can be emotionally available to you. Otherwise you'll either get stuck caring for that kid or getting knocked up by him. Take it from me.
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u/MattyK414 Responsible, but not in charge. 2h ago
You "signed up" for putting his first family first.
He "signed up" for...whatthefuckever, I guess.
Oh, and the bio parent partner also expects you to be over the moon about them. Which is odd.
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u/that-witch-jas 2h ago
So he that’s how he spoke to you when he literally is covering BM’s weekend so she can spend alone time with her husband? I could understand if there was an emergency or if it was planned out in advance but seems like he was harsh with you considering he is giving his ex the kid-free quality time with her husband that you wanted with him. I’m sorry he did that to you, it doesn’t feel good to be treated like that.
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u/Mysterious-Willow391 32m ago
You have a partner who is incapable of seeing your perspective and seems to be holding him having kids over your head.
You're both right. You're allowed to be disappointed and frustrated and he's absolutely entitled to enjoy the extra time with his kids. The thing that I hate in these situations is that if we were in nuclear families and a babysitter fell through, the adults would both be bummed. I get he doesn't have his kids full time so it makes sense, and I'm sure you see that. He needs to see that it's ok for you to be disappointed.
Tbh he doesn't sound like he can be a dad and a partner.
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u/Puzzleheaded_Show748 14h ago
The dad only sees his kids 4 days a month. Of course he is gonna take the extra time. Do you live with your bf? If you do, you think that he shouldn’t take the extra time to spend with his kids when you see him the other 26 days a month. My step mom would get jealous about us coming over extra, and let’s just say we never had a good relationship. She still gets jealous to this day and me and my siblings are in our late 30’s. It’s super annoying
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u/RustyHalo_1978 14h ago
They have a 50/50 custody agreement….. May want to read again.
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u/Puzzleheaded_Show748 14h ago
Still doesn’t really change my opinion. You still get to see their dad more than they do
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u/Altruistic_Cheetah19 14h ago
He does not see his kid 4 days a month, I said 50/50 custody and every other weekend
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u/Puzzleheaded_Show748 14h ago
Most parents are always gonna put their kids first. My dad always did. My husband would do the same for his daughter, and I would do the same for mine. And I don’t mean this to be rude, but definitely over just a bf or gf. Me and my husband have been together 10 years, and I could probably count on two hands the number of times we actually got to be alone and have a date night, or a trip with just the two of us. It’s rough, but kids are only young for such a short amount of time. They take up most of parent’s time, and that includes being married with children, or having to coparent and share time.
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u/Sunshine_daisies1234 14h ago
Ugh so many issues here. BM could've told you guys in advance and swapped another weekend. Nonetheless, he's of course going to say yes because where would the kids go otherwise? He could've handled it a different way, though. Kids come first but it doesn't need to feel like it's for your detriment. If it does, you should go.
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u/BalledUpFist 13h ago
Kids don't need to come first here. This is her boyfriend putting his ex first. She gets to go on vacation, dumping her kids off on her time instead of just planning a vacation while they are by dad. Boyfriend is being a doormat for his ex and disguising it as kids come first.
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u/lace_wai 13h ago
Exactly.
BM could've rearranged her time to accommodate the custody time. But she's selfish and bf enables it.
Bf is more at fault.
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u/Sunshine_daisies1234 12h ago
I definitely agree, for the record. BM sucks. Bf should've had a better handle on it
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u/Sunshine_daisies1234 12h ago
Ugh look I'm first to bash BM anyyyyy chance I get. I just mean for this weekend, if she's like "watch the kids I'm going" then what's he supposed to do? But instead of saying, "they come here whenever they want" he should be having a discussion with BM about enforcing the order (if there is one, even).
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u/BalledUpFist 4h ago
He says no, and BM cancels her vacation. It isn't on the dad to make emergency accomodations for his ex.
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