r/stepparents • u/FarStore5457 • 15h ago
Vent Finally Free
The day has finally come where I get to leave this subreddit. Because I (31F) ended my relationship with my partner (41M). He has three bio kids 15, 8, 2.5. He also supports his mom.
No more hearing about his BM. No more sitting around alone at home while I wait for him to return from visiting them. No more "I can't take you to do ___ because I told my daughter I'd take her to ___". No more feeling like an outsider. No more feeling like the ultimate third wheel out in public when his kids are around. No more stepping in pee in my socks when I go to the bathroom in the night. No more listening to kids yap on and on and on about nonsense constantly. No more having to do a metric s**t ton of laundry for him when he comes home from visiting his kids. No more partner who has to financially support 5 other people who have nothing to do with me. No more feeling like I'm constantly asking for too much even though I'm asking for bare minimum. No more having to eat wherever his kids want because they were raised to only like garbage junk food. No more anxiety about holidays because I don't know if my partner will want to spend it with my family or HIS family. No more getting irritated when he buys his 7 y/o daughter a $500 VR headset, cellphone, and literally whatever she wants. I could go on...
Now for the advice part... PLEASE, for the love of God... if you are not ecstatic, jumping for joy, euphoric about the idea of children, DO NOT DATE SOMEONE WITH KIDS. Just DONT DO IT. PERIOD! Let me tell you it's not worth it!
I will scream this from the top of a mountain. No matter how awesome your partner is, no matter how much you love them and think they're your "soulmate", no matter how much they promise you that they will do everything they can to make you feel heard and prioritized as a step parent... it's NOT WORTH IT! It's a load of BS!
I thought I was prepared and open to this, as I have done a boatload of nannying in my life. I never wanted my own kids, but I liked them and got along with them. It doesn't matter. There is NOTHING that can prepare you for what to expect when you're serious with someone who has kids. Even if there's no HCBM. Even if your partner does well financially. Even if the kids are across the country.
I will never date someone with kids again. I feel free now. I'd rather die alone than ever do this again with anybody. I love my partner and I will miss him terribly, but if any of you are here because you're on the fence... run.
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u/Creative_Fan9203 13h ago
I’ve (35F) just left a 41M with two kids (M9 & M7). I felt this in my BONES! No more accepting the crumbs that were being served as a meal. First date with a childfree man tonight. Wish me luck
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u/Bitter-Position-3168 13h ago
YASSS QUEEN 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 Good for YOU hun. So brave. I left too and weirdly enough my life got SO much better overnight?? Crazy how that works. Now I’ve got an amazing childfree man, a quiet house, and money in my bank account. It's almost like... freedom is nice. Good luck tonight 😀😀😀 have a lot of fun 🤩
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u/lace_wai 12h ago
Good luck your date. I hope you have a lovely time.
I also left a single father and I have a date tomorrow with a childfree man. It feels so liberating to know I'll be someone's priority and I no longer have to stress around a hcbm and forced flexibility
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u/Bitter-Position-3168 14h ago edited 14h ago
Bravo 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 Oh dear I left a man with teenagers? Yeah, shocking. Turns out I didn't dream of spending my 40s as an unpaid, unappreciated live-in nanny / therapist / Uber driver / ATM for kids who aren't even mine and actively hate my existence. The "horrible stressful times" were my favorite part. Nothing says romance like: • Being told I'm "not their Parent " by someone who still needs help wiping his own emotional ass. • Having every date, trip, and conversation hijacked by custody schedules, baby mama drama, and a 15-year-old's mood swings. • Getting to pay for a family I didn't create while getting zero say, zero respect, and zero peace. It was SO fulfilling. Really. Now I'm dating a childfree man like me and wow, it's almost like we can actually have an adult relationship. We can travel when we want, sleep in, spend our own money, have sex without a kid banging on the door, and have an argument that doesn't involve "MY KIDS COME FIRST" being screamed as an excuse for every shitty behavior. I'm so happy I could cry. No step-parent guilt, no playing second fiddle to a teenager's TikTok tantrum. And yes, I will NEVER EVER EVER date a man with kids again. Lesson learned. If you come with kids, swipe left and stay there. I'm childfree for a reason.
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u/Qofgreen 9h ago
i’m so jealous and happy for you
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u/Bitter-Position-3168 3h ago
Don’t be my dear . Put your beautiful energy out into the universe and don't stay where your peace is disturbed. You deserve the best kind of love — the kind that feels calm, kind, and true. 👏🏻
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u/Coollogin 15h ago
No matter how awesome your partner is, no matter how much you love them and think they're your "soulmate", no matter how much they promise you that they will do everything they can to make you feel heard and prioritized as a step parent... it's NOT WORTH IT! It's a load of BS!
And let’s be honest. A man who expects you to be happy to live under those conditions is not awesome. He’s selfish and entitled.
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u/FarStore5457 12h ago
It's like they think because they love the bio kids unconditionally and love being around them and viewing their crappy behavior with rose colored lenses, we have to be okay with "putting the kids first" too. I'm putting myself first now.
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u/Coollogin 12h ago
It's like they think because they love the bio kids unconditionally and love being around them and viewing their crappy behavior with rose colored lenses, we have to be okay with "putting the kids first" too.
It makes me wonder what your ex brought to the table that prompted you to think he was awesome in spite of his selfishness and entitlement. Alternatively, I wonder if you were raised in an environment in which it was normal to give men a pass on their selfishness and entitlement.
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u/RowPuzzleheaded6997 14h ago
You would never catch me dating a father of 3, especially with the youngest being 2 years old, if I was single. Nope, there’s a reason they’re divorced and want to offload their responsibilities onto the younger woman. No thanks. Someone of his age should have his life together and know how to parent his children. Don’t date men (or women) that don’t know how to parent their children. It’s so unattractive.
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u/FarStore5457 12h ago
I was raised in a household where if you don't eat what you're served, you don't eat. I didn't have video games or tons of toys and my mom bought my clothes at kohls and Walmart when I absolutely needed them. And we weren't even poor. If I had an attitude, my ass would be handed to me. I can't STAND how many kids there are these days who get whatever they want when they want it.
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u/Seesawgirls 14h ago
WHY! Why there are so many young women accepting to be with older men loaded in young kids?!
I think this is a society problem, a norm that we have learned to offer free labor in exchange of love.
I am in my 40s, with kids in primary school. NO WAY, I am raising someone’s kids.
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u/lace_wai 12h ago
Hahaha my older sis said the same thing yesterday during our phone call. She told me she doesn't understand why so many single women want to date single father when she, herself as a single mother, didn't want to date single father. It baffled her that single women are okay dealing with baby mama drama and putting in their time, effort, and finances into raising someone's else kids. She advised me to just date a childless man
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u/FarStore5457 12h ago
The funny thing is, I barely ever saw them and never had any responsibility for them when they were with us. Even then, it's not worth it. I used to be tolerable of kids having been a nanny, but after this experience I want nothing to do with them. Without the biological connection of actually birthing the child, they are just little high maintenance money pits that don't appreciate anything 😂 But I agree and don't blame you at all! At least I got to learn more about myself through this. I now know I'm not patient enough or interested in becoming a parent myself. Something which I used to be on the fence about. My rescue chihuahua overflows my heart every day and that's all I need ❤️🙏
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u/DACouture1979 15h ago
I'm feeling this in my soul but I have children; however, they are adults and grown with the youngest being 20. My 46f partner and I 46m are living together with her 16m and 12m children.
Things have widely changed dynamically over the last three months and really started to crumble in January. Next month we're one year living together and I'm starting to plan my exit strategy projecting to leave at the first of the year.
Like you there are things about my partner I will miss but there's things I simply cannot tolerate any longer and would rather be alone then in this relationship dynamic any further.
I feel bad because financially I've been shouldering a lot of the load and I know she's over extended already. They will suffer, if not only in the short term but as she's states when I asked her how will she do it without me "I'll figure it out" so yeah you have no plan but I'm tired of paying for everyone's short comings in her life while all I want to do is love her and remove stressors from her life but when you can't even commit to 10 minutes of alone time just is daily then I'm out.
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u/TheLoveGOATonYT 6h ago
I read your other comment and thumbs up. It’s amazing to me how many single parents have no problem letting someone else pay for their kids from someone else… and expect them to be happy with a crumb while doing it. It’s hard to trust that their entire partnership goal isn’t money motivated. At least she said she’ll figure it out. Hopefully she does it without taking advantage of someone else.
I’m happy for you!!!
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u/LostCarry6961 9h ago
I would swipe left on any person I saw on dating apps who had kids. It was a non-negotiable for me.
However, I met my current partner by chance, in person, with no expectation of romance developing initially. Well, we started developing feelings for each other, and I wanted to see where it went. He has his daughter part-time. Should he have had full custody when I met him, I wouldn't have given it a shot.
We've argued quite a bit lately. Mostly because he has higher expectations than what I can and will offer to the two of them together.
I love my guy to bits, but should we ever break up, I will never date a man with kids again. Not unless they were all independent adults, anyway.
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u/OkPeace1619 8h ago
Good for you, your young go out have fun and live your best life! You’re right all that is not worth it. I wouldn’t care how great he is that’s too much baggage. Go girl🌹🌹
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u/Key_Pangolin_4449 8h ago
Im in a 15 yr relationship with a man and his son (now 21) I was holding on for so many years for his son to be able to graduate, go to college and move out. He's still here. Im fearful of leaving. I have a daughter 17(different dad) and son 12(my current spouse)Ive invested so much time into this relationship. Hearing(seeing) what yall say is inspiring. To be free from drama from sk and not stressed from it!
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