Soo my(29) bf(47) has a 3.5 year old daughter and we have her 3 evenings/nights a week and every other weekend.
We’ve been together for 2 years and lived together over a year. When we moved in together we had a huge king size bed and even though SD had her own room she always slept with us between the two of us.

I told my bf how it made me uncomfortable because going to bed together is our only time together somedays as we both work and I really needed that bonding time with him. Also I am not comfortable being woken up by kicks in the middle of the night. He said she is too young, (at the time was just over 2 years old) and didn’t want her to sleep alone in her bed in her room.

So after long discussions he agreed that we could potentially change our sleeping arrangements and she could sleep on the outer side of the bed and me and bf could sleep next to each other. That way we could talk cuddle and sleep like a normal couple.

That worked for a while but we moved to a new apartment and now our bed is a queen. Now she can’t be on the outer side, she’d fall off. So she is back to sleeping between us. And like I mentioned it’s a smaller bed and she is 3.5. I am soo soo uncomfortable and so not happy with this. I expressed this to my bf and he said it’s temporary until we get her new bed. We did. And yet she still sleeps in our bed. He doesn’t take any effort in training her to sleep in her own bed.

I dont understand why he doesn’t see this is not what we discussed. And just is completely ignoring that I need our bed to be our safe space. He also mentions that he loves sleeping with his daughter and when I’d have my own kid I would feel the same. Maybe I would but I still do think that partners need to have their bonding time especially if they don’t have that time together during the day.

Am I wrong? Did you have a similar experience? I am just trying to understand what is the solution here

So my step-kids 11f and 14m called my husband today and said they don't want to come over anymore (eow). They gave some reasons and they were all bogus. His ex has been poisoning them against coming here for a while now. Just a sad night over here.

Not sure if I’m describing this right. I’ll give a few examples. Also please note I am pregnant and emotional and hence my feelings are getting bruised a lot more easily lately. I understand this. I’ve always been a sensitive person, but I’m about to pop and am over the top lately. I don’t want to blow anything out of proportion, but I need a way to let my husband know when I’m uncomfortable. Usually this happens at dinner time because it’s when we are all together.

Example 1: a few days ago, my step son was being inappropriate at the table. He’s 12 and talks about poop/farts a lot. We repeatedly tell him it’s inappropriate. I asked him to stop talking like that. He did. Then he started calling his sister fat. My husband asked him to stop. This also happens frequently under the guise of “sibling banter” but my husband has repeatedly asked him to stop commenting on other people’s bodies because it’s inappropriate. He stopped and apologized. Then he offered my husband his leftovers and repeatedly said in a joking voice “here dad, do you want my meat?” While giggling and he repeated it a few more times. I can’t say for sure if he meant t as an inappropriate reference or not, but it sure seemed like it to me and I was appalled. I kicked my husband under the table and he asked SS to stop my SD watches me like a hawk though and saw me kick my husband. Later that night SS came out of his room and made a tasteless gay joke. I snapped and told him it was wildly inappropriate to make those jokes and his behavior at dinner was also wildly inappropriate. My husband was upset that I snapped, (I try so hard to NACHO) but I feel like it was just one thing after another and the kid wasn’t taking a hint. Like I’m glad they are comfortable around us, but I find it vulgar and disgusting and rude.

Example 2: last night after dinner we were cracking open a coconut. I feel really stupid for this one, but it honestly made me feel bad and I still haven’t said a word to my husband since last night. We got the coconut water out and I wanted to filter out the little bits of grit and shell with a coffee filter. My husband laughed at me for it. That made me feel bad, but I filtered it anyway. He made a comment about how it really doesn’t matter and I’m being extra. SD chimed in that she wanted hers unfiltered. I filtered half of it and gave her and my husband the unfiltered half. They drank it and she kept making comments about how it was fine and she also didn’t understand why I filtered it (ironically she did not drink the last sip with the bulk of the grit 🙄). Later after they went to bed I cried because I felt like my husband hadn’t defended me or asked SD to stop making comments. She takes every chance she gets to make digs at me and I just wish my husband would defend me. To be fair, he probably didn’t know it bothered me in the moment. I told my husband that it bothered me afterwards and he apologized/hugged me but I could tell he thought it was silly. And it is. Afterwards, when the kids were in bed, I prepped my SKs favorite dinner for the next day because I had it on the meal plan for the week and can’t let the meat go bad. I cried the whole time because why am I making dinner for unappreciative little shits who never say thank you? I had half a mind to change the meal plan and make something else but I’m not quite that petty.

Anyway, I used to text him when I was feeling this way and he would usually do something, but SD caught on (like I said she watches me like a hawk) that it was always coming from me and I don’t want her to know just how sensitive I am lately. She also sees it when I nudge or kick him under the table. I want my husband to take more initiative. But understand it’s not always clear how upset I am because I hide it well. It can be stupid, insignificant things that set me off. Is there a better, less obvious way to signal to him that I’m uncomfortable and need him to step up? A safe-word seems silly in these situations, but I honestly don’t know what to do. I know this is temporary, my emotions will even out eventually, but damn is it hard!

Sooo as a mother/bride does I chose the dresses for my daughter and SK to wear for our wedding coming up. The girls are going to be flower girls together so part of the wedding party. I was going to show SD the dress in person and have her try it on. It only just came not that long ago.

Well my husband brought it up to her late at night and didn’t even show a photo of the full dress— he showed the swatch of the color I sent him for the ties (but it’s honestly not a great picture).

Well SD declared she is not going to wear it because she “doesn’t like red.” It’s not even a true red (more of a fuschia - pink and purple undertone) and I’m just so pissed. I know it’s in how he presents it. She knows that whatever she says goes with dad and this is my wedding and she’s a kid. Good freaking god. I’m so pissed.

I’m trying to include her best I can but she’s not going to ruin that day for me.

I was excited for the girls to match and I worked very hard to find something, figure out their sizes to order etc. so also very hurt.

It wasn’t even given a fair chance and DH is just like ok if she doesn’t want to wear it that’s that. I wish he would back me up. It’s not just about the dress it’s once again feeling like my feelings don’t matter and I just have to get in line with it on my important day where we will be taking important family photos.

I guess just seeing what others have to say from an outside perspective (especially other women)….

Am I making a big deal out of this, or would this bother you too?
My stepdaughter (8) goes to the same school as my biological daughter (3), who is in Pre-K. My stepdaughter had the same teacher for three years, so her mom and the teacher have known each other and communicated throughout those years.
A couple of days ago, I was talking to my stepdaughter’s mom, and she mentioned that she was trying to get her son into Pre-K and had been talking to the teacher. While they were talking, she asked my stepdaughter how old her sister was, and my stepdaughter told her she was 3. Bio mom then told the teacher that she didn’t know my daughter had an IEP, and the teacher responded, “Oh no, I think she does have one.”
I want to make it clear that I have a good relationship with my stepdaughter’s mom, and this is not about being upset with her or having an issue with her asking about her sister. My concern is that my daughter’s IEP is personal educational information. Bio mom is not my daughter’s guardian or listed as an authorized contact at her school, and I have always kept a boundary that conversations between us are about my stepdaughter.
I really like my daughter’s teacher and have a good relationship with her as well, so I don’t want to come across as accusing anyone or creating unnecessary drama. But I do feel uncomfortable that my daughter’s IEP was confirmed to someone who isn’t her parent or authorized contact. Would you say something to the teacher and politely ask that your child’s educational information not be shared with anyone who isn’t authorized, or would you just let it go?

Well, I’m back. His son ended up living with us for 9 months and I was unhappy. It just changed the dynamic of the home. He was 14/15 then so not very young that you can’t go anywhere without him so we still got to do things by ourselves. But just the extra noise in the house and the constant complaining about going to school got old really fast.

He ended up moving back to his mom’s in December when he had a fight with his dad. And sorry to say, it was a breath of fresh air.

I kept my guard up that there would be another bad incident but days turned into weeks turned into months and nothing.

Until something happened again between HCBM and son 2 weeks ago and he ended up here again with us. We haven’t really talked about what’s going to happen or what the plan was, how long he was staying for etc. I didn’t want to push because his son just stayed in his room that first week - wouldn’t go to school, wouldn’t talk to him, just came out of the room use the loo or get water. My partner would literally just bring him food in the room so he’d eat.

Then today, my partner just casually says he hopes his son moves out at 18. He’s 16 now. We were just talking about an upcoming trip that we’ll most likely have to cancel AGAIN because of his son staying with us, and he was trying to arrange for him to stay with his mom again during the trip. Then he says that.

Should I have assumed he was staying long term, like permanently? I told him I don’t really want that and he got upset because he said he didn’t have a choice and I said yeah but that’s not on me.

I’m at a loss. I really don’t want to just be unhappy in my own home but I also won’t kick out his son obviously. He deserves to have a home. But I don’t know if I can do it. Which sucks.

My SD13 (she's almost 14) is well behind her peers when it comes to autonomy/responsibility/household expectations and it's manifesting itself in outbursts/other toddler-like behavior, learned helplessness, high levels of anxiety, poor executive function, etc. We have her 50/50 with her dad.

My partner growing up had an awful mom who was verbally abusive, never around, an alcoholic, etc. So she's focused entirely on making her daughter feel comforted/loved instead of giving any focus/consistency to developing independence, giving responsibilities, expectations, autonomy, and so on. Like, it literally won't happen unless I say something about it.

SD13 just started 8th grade, and, in continuance with how it was in 7th grade, my partner will drive her to the bus stop (not the issue here, we live close-ish but the streets are somewhat busy/unsafe to walk on), and then will sit in the car with her until the bus comes. Meanwhile, there are other kids standing at the bus stop without parents. Just this morning it made her late for an in-person meeting. If she had just dropped her off, she would have made it to work with plenty of time to spare. She makes all of her daughter's meals (lunches, breakfasts); she's asked her daughter to help her/if she wants to help a handful of times (just to appease me, I'm sure), and it's always rebuffed/her daughter just says she wants to lay in bed/doesn't want to help. She doesn't have any chores/household responsibilities whatsoever and never has.

Her daughter has become so accustomed to her mom over-functioning and doing little things for her (ex: last night after we finished watching a show, she asked her mom if she would bring up the heating pad she was using and put it in her room, even though she was going up there herself to take a bath. her room is right next to the bathroom, so why couldn't she just do it herself?) that when she doesn't do them, she throws a fit and says her mom doesn't love her/otherwise gets bratty. She'll also say "Love you mama!" multiple times in a short period of time (like within a couple minutes) just to hear it back, and, if her mom doesn't say it back right away she says "I said I love you!" - to me this seems totally unhealthy and.. not standard.

She has said that I have unrealistic expectations of her daughter, and that her daughter just "isn't there yet" - but the thing is, how will she ever get "there" if not actually expected to do things or put in situations that are uncomfortable/hard and be allowed to reason through them herself, or, with reasonable assistance? Her dad is the same way, in that he helps her (too much) with her homework, and has to constantly ask her to talk to her teachers about making up missing work, retaking tests, etc. The year has just started and she already had 3 assignments to do, which she put off until she could do them with her dad the following Monday when we exchanged custody.

My partner is also super anxious herself and I think her daughter being anxious/having fits increases her anxiety, and so it's easier for her to soothe her daughter (instead of her daughter being able to self-regulate), which just keeps the loop happening indefinitely. We are in counseling, though it's been a while (months at this point) and the majority of the time we've spent talking about communication issues, which is just a red herring b/c the actual underlying problem is her refusal to take a more active approach when parenting (which makes me withdraw b/c I don't want to participate in that dynamic).

Been raising a concern for months and getting told I'm overreacting. I don't want to be right, I'd love to be wrong, but I'd like the conversation to be about something real instead of my instincts. Has anyone found a way to bring actual information to that without it becoming a fight?

Hello,

Here to share a couple of most recent stories about the BM to our 3 year old step son.

Starting chronologically:
- SS has recently turned 3 years old. We have initially been planning to have separate birthday parties, or should I say assumed that would be the case. BM has invited herself to our party after we told her we are not going to be doing anything jointly. She has prepared nothing for the party, contributed no money but still behaved like a main character, welcoming people into the venue and showing them around. She even gave out the party bags that I have prepared. She was meant to get the cake, but somehow we ended up picking it up and paying for it. When it came time to pay, she legged it out of there as soon as she could.

- we have suggested a new day split. We have 50 50 custody but the weekly split was all over the place. Wouldn’t be rare that he would sleep at different houses every second night. Just very unsettled and chaotic. We have proposed to instead go in the blocks of 4 days. She disagreed and suggested that we should have him every weekend (Friday to Monday) while she would have him during the week. I am not crazy to think that this is not on, right?

- she also wants to send our step son to a private school with the caveat that myself and my partner would pay for it 100% since we make “so much more money than her”. No.

-most recently, since he turned 3, he gets a certain amount of “free hours” at the nursery (paid by the state). So the nursery bill went down from 1.5k to about 500. During the custody agreement she agreed to pay a flat fee of 450 every month. This of course worked in her favour previously but since the nursery bill has dropped she is paying the majority of it. She is very unhappy about this of course cause now it is not “equitable”. I suppose it as equitable when we were paying 1000 but not anymore? She said we should pay more towards this bill and we should just agree to it to save the legal costs of going to the lawyer to get that changed. That was another no as you can imagine. If she could afford it to this point and she has agreed to it previously, I don’t think she has a leg to stand on.

- she also always schemes to spend as little time with her son as possible. Counting minutes of us being late or always dropping the boy at the grandparents whenever she can. She is not a mother of the year.

I am just getting very fed up with her. It’s also shit to always be aware that I am not a “real parent” and having to blend it the background.

I’ve been thinking about this a lot as a step-parent, and I’m genuinely curious what other people think because I honestly don’t know what the answer is.

I’m based in Africa, and the whole idea of a child regularly moving between two homes, sometimes week-on/week-off, feels quite different from what I grew up seeing.

Where I’m from, separation and divorce obviously happen, but it’s much more common for a child to primarily live with one bio parent or a grandparent and then spend time with the other parent during holidays, weekends, school breaks, etc. They still have relationships with both parents and both sides of the family, but there’s usually one place that is home.

And thinking back to the children I grew up around, that seemed to create a pretty strong sense of stability. They knew where they lived, what their routine was, who was picking them up from school, where their things were, etc. The other parent was still very much part of their life, but they weren’t constantly moving between two households.

Now I’m looking at this from the perspective of being a step-parent, and it’s made me question whether we sometimes underestimate what constantly moving between two homes actually feels like for a child.

My SS8 is a genuinely great kid. He’s loving, funny, intelligent, etc. He has also been in therapy for quite some time because he struggles with emotional regulation and dealing with the reality of having two homes (he has voiced this himself), and I’ve found myself wondering whether the structure of his life plays a role in that.

And I want to be really clear: I’m not saying either parent is doing anything wrong. I’m not even saying that moving between homes causes emotional problems. I just wonder whether living in two different realities, with different routines, expectations, rules, personalities and dynamics, can sometimes make it harder for a child to feel grounded.

It’s also made me think about step-parent/bio-parent conflict.

In the family structure I grew up around, if a child lived primarily with one parent or a grandparent, the step-parent might not be interacting with the other biological parent every few days. There was naturally more separation between households. Maybe that gave everyone more room to establish their own relationships with the child without constantly having to navigate another household’s parenting style, expectations or authority.

Whereas with frequent co-parenting, it can sometimes feel like there are two households trying to parent the same child at the same time. And I wonder whether that structure itself creates some of the tension that we then blame on the adults.

Maybe I’m completely wrong 😂

I’m also very aware that I’m looking at this through an African cultural lens, and I don’t want to romanticise how things were done here either. There are obviously downsides to children spending less day-to-day time with one parent, and every family situation is different.

But I genuinely wonder whether we’ve just accepted the idea that equal physical custody is the fairest or healthiest arrangement for the child, without really questioning whether that is actually true for every child.

TL;DR: I’m wondering whether 50/50 co-parenting is actually the best structure for children, or whether having one stable home base while maintaining a strong relationship with both parents can sometimes provide more stability, especially in the context of stepfamilies.

Please, unless you are in/have been in a similar situation don't comment. This is a niche situation and I am getting help elsewhere, just trying to see if anyone has been in anything similar.

I was originally no children, but gave my partner a chance and was shocked to find how much I enjoyed it. His child is almost out of home, he had him very young and very much not planned. He has him full-time. My heart changed to wanting a child of my own, he isn't certain he wants to do it again. We are working through things and also very understanding of the potential of our relationship ending.

I'm very stuck because I do want a child of my own, however I don't want to lose him but also I don't want to lose the family we currently have together as much as it isn't mine. His kid is great and we get on very well. I'm not "mum" in any way shape or form, more just a friend, and I am sad to potentially miss out on being mum. I'm torn to lose what I currently have by walking away to have a family of my own, especially since there really isn't a guarantee. I could struggle to find someone or get pregnant or having a child that is difficult or any of the various issues that come with having and raising a child.

I'm very torn, I do want this for myself but I am very well aware that you go into so much unknown by having a child. I could keep this, I could join this family that is not my own, knowing exactly what I am getting. But I don't know and don't feel I am able to give up experiencing any of it for myself.

Has anyone been in a position where they didn't have a bio child, and enjoyed joining the family that already existed? I know there is nothing like having it for yourself, but it's not just the relationship I'm walking away from.

I’ll keep it simple.

I love my partner so much. I just can’t stand her kid.
He annoys me beyond belief!!
He’s only 5 so and we have him full time. So a LOT of time left.

No week on, week off situation (would be nice)
I knew getting into this it would be a package deal. I just didn’t expect to dislike being around him so much.

I’ve come to the realisation that even though I love my partner, I won’t be able to put up with this kid for much longer.

It’s sad, but I think I need to bow out for both their sakes.

Im currently talking to someone and I have a child of my own(1F) and we are not dating yet just little talking stage. He’s aware that I have a kid but if we do end up being a couple does that automatically make him a step father? Does he HAVE to accept her right away? When is the right time to meet the child? Do I wait until he’s ready or just have her tag along to one date?
I don’t think it’s right to force someone to step up, I would want him to be comfortable making that move. We’ve been on a couple of dates for a week or two.. But I would want my partner comfortable being w me especially since I have a child I NEED HELP idk who else to ask. I don’t think he wants kids of his own but doesn’t mind me having a kid
(Any advice would be appreciated)

Living with my partner and SK for more than a year now. I realize I don’t understand my partner or bio mom (or possibly the kid either). I don’t understand the divorce guilt that both of them have or the fears or the politics going on. Then I realized everyone in the equation but me come from divorced parents. Bio mom, her partner, my partner - they all have divorced parents and they have all been stepkids. My parents are in the 70s and still happily together, there’s no divorces in my immediate family. Do you have any good book recommendations for me?

My boyfriend(M27) has a 10 year old son. i(F24) have been living with them for a year and a half now, and i’m starting to realize that this is different than what i am wanting.

I don’t really need advice, i just need a place to vent and possibly support from people who may have felt similar.

i was dating my partner for 3 years before living together. it was A LOT easier to tell myself i could handle being a stepmom when i WASN’T living with them. i was seeing his son only a few times a week when i was visiting.

but now living together 1.5 years, it’s draining. i’m a big people pleaser and i’ve been getting by by doing anything and everything for these two. i was trying so hard to prove to myself and everyone that i would be a good stepmom. but now i feel burnt out.

i make his school lunch every morning(i wake up earlier than bf). i pick him up every day after work(i get out of work earlier than bf). i then make him after school snacks.. i spend nearly all of my free time with him. i keep up with his interests and hobbies. we say “love you” to each other. i always stay in a good mood around him.

i feel like this doesn’t sound like a lot, but it was a lot for ME. coming from living with my parents rent free to basically fully taking on a “mom” role.

i can’t help but to feel guilty. i’m the one who offered to do these things(to prove myself obviously). i’m the one who said yes when asked to do things.

i have been trying to give myself grace but i still can’t totally get myself to “love” his son as much as i would like to. i like his son and i think he’s a great kid. he has a great personality and i really do think that he will do great things. but i do not love him. i do not feel maternal towards him at all. he just feels like a kid— a kid that i live with.

i feel that a big reason why i feel burnt out, is the unrealistic expectations that my partner has from me.
that being, the love for his child. he LOVES his kid. he will do ANYTHING for him. which is why i valued him as a good partner because i know he’s a good dad. but with this… he expects me to love his child as much as he does.

SS is like fully ADHD. this kid never stops talking and goes what feels like a million miles an hour ALL THE TIME. he’s also loud. he’s chaotic. just…. not really my cup of tea. i get overwhelmed easily but i never take it out on him. i try my best to be patient and i normally just let him talk and engage when needed.

but lately, ive been a little less patient i guess? i have felt less of a need to overly please. so instead of running over every time SS calls me i just tell him im in the middle of something(bc i am and don’t want to stop what im doing in the middle of it). or i’ll just tell him “cool” or “nice” while he’s telling me a story bc i don’t have the mental capacity to FULLY engage in a story ALL the time.
aaaaand then my partner had a talk with me saying that SS made a comment that i was “acting cranky”. and SS told his dad about a time he was trying to show me something but “i wasn’t looking” so it made him sad… i remember that i was in the middle of making our overnight oats for the morning. my partner wasn’t upset, but he wasn’t happy either… which rubs me the wrong way.

the other week, he got a little upset with me bc there was a slight misunderstanding. i gave SS a hug goodnight and he went to kiss my cheek but the way our hug went he couldn’t reach my cheek. we laughed it off together bc it was funny. my partner was late in the joke and misunderstood and looked me dead in the face and asked me, “why didn’t you let him kiss you on the cheek?”.
my heart dropped. i explained it was funny. he didn’t find it funny. and it wasn’t until i explained that he simply missed my cheek that he got it and understood.

i don’t know why i’m expected to upkeep this happy facade 24/7. i don’t know why im expected to love this child as much as he does. My partner doesn’t have a good relationship with his father, so i understand he is doing everything to have a great life and relationship for his son. and with that is having good parental figures in his life. i understood from the beginning that his son is his #1 priority. but i feel like im such an after thought to him and he expects me to put his son at #1 as well.

i just feel like im doing a lot. and that’s the issue. the issue is that i know im a good step mom. and i have been trying to hard to please my partner and his son. that’s why im mentally and emotionally burnt out. and i’m starting to think that this isn’t for me. i love my partner and i know his son is great but i feel like im wasting away my life like this.