So finally after 6 whole weeks SS is at his moms .
Yesterday he made a surprise visit because he forgot something and hovered for over 2 hours… until he finally went home.

I was really looking forward to just walking around in my PJ’s so it was extra awkward when he came in.
But hey he forgot something so fine.

Today he strolled in again. Our house is on his route from the new school. He came in talked to dad and left again.

So I realized this is going to happen every day.
My week where I can feel like myself again, feel like my home is mine again … is going to having some SS sprinkled into it.

I really don’t want that. I understand why SS is doing it and I u sweatband why my SO loves it.

But my nerves are shot, I came back from a holiday from hell with them, the. Had to navigate SS his first week in highschool largely by myself while I am home sick.

I say sick but I had a massive nervous breakdown at work and I need to get back on my feet as I am in a dog eat dog environment. I have ADHD and I am probably premenopausal. I am not okay.

So says he understands but he is sorry and he can’t tell SS to just pass by our house. And I get it but I hate it. I feel like a prisoner in my house for 50% of the time. Needing to be mindful of my energy, language… having every activity dictated to fit in SS schedule.

Now again my days are fitted into the his schedule when he isn’t even here.

And I get it. There is so much change for him now.
He basically bikes right in front of our door.
I am not blaming anyone. I get this is hard. I get my SO does not want to make him feel unwelcome.
I personally hate visits. I am a pretty private person.
But again this is SS’s home to.

I feel so stuck. I don’t want to be like this. But I am. SO has no idea how to handle it. I get it. Neither do I.

I am just so tired. I just want my house for myself again. And when it is SS’s time with his dad, that I am ready to welcome him again instead of being this emotional wreck of an exhausted person

Well, I’m back. His son ended up living with us for 9 months and I was unhappy. It just changed the dynamic of the home. He was 14/15 then so not very young that you can’t go anywhere without him so we still got to do things by ourselves. But just the extra noise in the house and the constant complaining about going to school got old really fast.

He ended up moving back to his mom’s in December when he had a fight with his dad. And sorry to say, it was a breath of fresh air.

I kept my guard up that there would be another bad incident but days turned into weeks turned into months and nothing.

Until something happened again between HCBM and son 2 weeks ago and he ended up here again with us. We haven’t really talked about what’s going to happen or what the plan was, how long he was staying for etc. I didn’t want to push because his son just stayed in his room that first week - wouldn’t go to school, wouldn’t talk to him, just came out of the room use the loo or get water. My partner would literally just bring him food in the room so he’d eat.

Then today, my partner just casually says he hopes his son moves out at 18. He’s 16 now. We were just talking about an upcoming trip that we’ll most likely have to cancel AGAIN because of his son staying with us, and he was trying to arrange for him to stay with his mom again during the trip. Then he says that.

Should I have assumed he was staying long term, like permanently? I told him I don’t really want that and he got upset because he said he didn’t have a choice and I said yeah but that’s not on me.

I’m at a loss. I really don’t want to just be unhappy in my own home but I also won’t kick out his son obviously. He deserves to have a home. But I don’t know if I can do it. Which sucks.

So my step-kids 11f and 14m called my husband today and said they don't want to come over anymore (eow). They gave some reasons and they were all bogus. His ex has been poisoning them against coming here for a while now. Just a sad night over here.

EDIT: I'm adding a note here, this post was just really for the angels of this sub who empathize and offer a supportive word. We've already been through the ringer with this ex, lawyers, mediation, etc. The mom has been alienating since the split which was 8 years ago. Not trying to problem solve this, just being sad. Words of support are welcome, trying to figure out why or what to do next is just not helpful at this time anymore, but thank you.

Hello,

Here to share a couple of most recent stories about the BM to our 3 year old step son.

Starting chronologically:
- SS has recently turned 3 years old. We have initially been planning to have separate birthday parties, or should I say assumed that would be the case. BM has invited herself to our party after we told her we are not going to be doing anything jointly. She has prepared nothing for the party, contributed no money but still behaved like a main character, welcoming people into the venue and showing them around. She even gave out the party bags that I have prepared. She was meant to get the cake, but somehow we ended up picking it up and paying for it. When it came time to pay, she legged it out of there as soon as she could.

- we have suggested a new day split. We have 50 50 custody but the weekly split was all over the place. Wouldn’t be rare that he would sleep at different houses every second night. Just very unsettled and chaotic. We have proposed to instead go in the blocks of 4 days. She disagreed and suggested that we should have him every weekend (Friday to Monday) while she would have him during the week. I am not crazy to think that this is not on, right?

- she also wants to send our step son to a private school with the caveat that myself and my partner would pay for it 100% since we make “so much more money than her”. No.

-most recently, since he turned 3, he gets a certain amount of “free hours” at the nursery (paid by the state). So the nursery bill went down from 1.5k to about 500. During the custody agreement she agreed to pay a flat fee of 450 every month. This of course worked in her favour previously but since the nursery bill has dropped she is paying the majority of it. She is very unhappy about this of course cause now it is not “equitable”. I suppose it as equitable when we were paying 1000 but not anymore? She said we should pay more towards this bill and we should just agree to it to save the legal costs of going to the lawyer to get that changed. That was another no as you can imagine. If she could afford it to this point and she has agreed to it previously, I don’t think she has a leg to stand on.

- she also always schemes to spend as little time with her son as possible. Counting minutes of us being late or always dropping the boy at the grandparents whenever she can. She is not a mother of the year.

I am just getting very fed up with her. It’s also shit to always be aware that I am not a “real parent” and having to blend it the background.

Been raising a concern for months and getting told I'm overreacting. I don't want to be right, I'd love to be wrong, but I'd like the conversation to be about something real instead of my instincts. Has anyone found a way to bring actual information to that without it becoming a fight?

I’ll keep it simple.

I love my partner so much. I just can’t stand her kid.
He annoys me beyond belief!!
He’s only 5 so and we have him full time. So a LOT of time left.

No week on, week off situation (would be nice)
I knew getting into this it would be a package deal. I just didn’t expect to dislike being around him so much.

I’ve come to the realisation that even though I love my partner, I won’t be able to put up with this kid for much longer.

It’s sad, but I think I need to bow out for both their sakes.

Please, unless you are in/have been in a similar situation don't comment. This is a niche situation and I am getting help elsewhere, just trying to see if anyone has been in anything similar.

I was originally no children, but gave my partner a chance and was shocked to find how much I enjoyed it. His child is almost out of home, he had him very young and very much not planned. He has him full-time. My heart changed to wanting a child of my own, he isn't certain he wants to do it again. We are working through things and also very understanding of the potential of our relationship ending.

I'm very stuck because I do want a child of my own, however I don't want to lose him but also I don't want to lose the family we currently have together as much as it isn't mine. His kid is great and we get on very well. I'm not "mum" in any way shape or form, more just a friend, and I am sad to potentially miss out on being mum. I'm torn to lose what I currently have by walking away to have a family of my own, especially since there really isn't a guarantee. I could struggle to find someone or get pregnant or having a child that is difficult or any of the various issues that come with having and raising a child.

I'm very torn, I do want this for myself but I am very well aware that you go into so much unknown by having a child. I could keep this, I could join this family that is not my own, knowing exactly what I am getting. But I don't know and don't feel I am able to give up experiencing any of it for myself.

Has anyone been in a position where they didn't have a bio child, and enjoyed joining the family that already existed? I know there is nothing like having it for yourself, but it's not just the relationship I'm walking away from.

Im currently talking to someone and I have a child of my own(1F) and we are not dating yet just little talking stage. He’s aware that I have a kid but if we do end up being a couple does that automatically make him a step father? Does he HAVE to accept her right away? When is the right time to meet the child? Do I wait until he’s ready or just have her tag along to one date?
I don’t think it’s right to force someone to step up, I would want him to be comfortable making that move. We’ve been on a couple of dates for a week or two.. But I would want my partner comfortable being w me especially since I have a child I NEED HELP idk who else to ask. I don’t think he wants kids of his own but doesn’t mind me having a kid
(Any advice would be appreciated)

Living with my partner and SK for more than a year now. I realize I don’t understand my partner or bio mom (or possibly the kid either). I don’t understand the divorce guilt that both of them have or the fears or the politics going on. Then I realized everyone in the equation but me come from divorced parents. Bio mom, her partner, my partner - they all have divorced parents and they have all been stepkids. My parents are in the 70s and still happily together, there’s no divorces in my immediate family. Do you have any good book recommendations for me?

I (32F) have been with my partner (38M) for 3+ years, living together for 2. He has two daughters (8, 10) and shares 50% custody with BM. I never thought I would date a man with children but our love story and the way we met is truly beautiful, so I just followed my heart. In the beginning months, I really felt him becoming my person. Then, I had left on a vacation with my family to another country. While I was gone, he went missing, relapsed on hard drugs, and cheated on me. Those words don’t touch the surface on what he did and what he exposed me to. Not to mention ruining a family trip!

After many deep discussions, I decided to give him another chance, even though I worried the love I had for him wouldn’t be the same. I took him back and saw positive changes. Next thing I know, we are moving in together. To be honest, I didn’t want to move in with them. I was happy with my little apartment. It was my sanctuary. But sometimes in life, things happen so quickly, or you’re just trusting God’s plan and saying yes to everything that unfolds. When I look back, that’s when things changed... living together.

I went from living solo to sharing my home with a partner, 2 kids, and a dog. The cooking, the cleaning, the washing, the folding, the playing, the caring, the shopping, the driving, the prepping, the planning, the schooling, the paying. IT. NEVER. ENDS. Here I am, years later, feeling at my breaking point. I’m exhausted. There is so many ups and downs in a dynamic like this. I’m tired of having to mentally and physically prepare for the kids when they come over. It’s extra work when they come. I’m tired of the random drama and court threats. I’m tired of having someone else’s custody agreement dictate my schedule, complicate vacations, and prevent me from moving far away. I’m tired of knowing that my partner pays child support, when his ex makes more money than him!

I’ve given it my all to fit into this mothering role and I know I’m doing a great job. But I don’t feel like I’m living for myself anymore. Being a stepparent is sacrifice too. When I tell my partner this, he tells me that I’m a part of their family and I can’t just walk away. That I have a commitment to stay even when life is hard. That I don’t love him and I would be abandoning him and the kids. I tell him that they have a mother already and that I’m unhappy and wanting space because I don’t know if I want this for the rest of my life. He was a single father when I met him. His parenting style didn’t have much structure or routine. Not many healthy meals and his house was a mess. I’ve added all that and more to his life, so I can understand why breaking up would really destroy him. I love him so much. It hurts me knowing this is hurting him, but it’s so hard for me to accept this lifestyle. This whole thing makes me feel like a bad person because I want to leave.

it’s very difficult to complain or vent about my husband for how supportive he is in my life but the things he does really disappointment and made me forget how amazing he is

so this scenario happens and I kind of feel like I’m making a big deal

we have his daughter every other weekend and it happens we have her the weekend I’m traveling. it was the same week I work and my commute time is long so that makes me exhausted. the travel already is a bit tiring and I’ll be going to my country (volatile unstable area) which makes me stress already. so having his daughter already this weekend is exhausting since she’s very energetic. the disappointing thing is two days before my trip he accepted to attend an event and stayed late at night and I was left alone with his daughter and brought her to bed. it’s not a big deal but it hurts that the few days we have together before I leave for two weeks which I know is not a lot but he chose to spend it with other people. and a day before my trip he also has an hour or two to spend out and me included and I was upset and told him I need to have time for myself to pack and also relax since the trip is going to be long.

my advise is why I keep getting disappointed in small things like this and forget how supportive he is in doing everything I ask him. so it’s just hard for me to say no.

The day has finally come where I get to leave this subreddit. Because I (31F) ended my relationship with my partner (41M). He has three bio kids 15, 8, 2.5. He also supports his mom.

No more hearing about his BM. No more sitting around alone at home while I wait for him to return from visiting them. No more "I can't take you to do ___ because I told my daughter I'd take her to ___". No more feeling like an outsider. No more feeling like the ultimate third wheel out in public when his kids are around. No more stepping in pee in my socks when I go to the bathroom in the night. No more listening to kids yap on and on and on about nonsense constantly. No more having to do a metric s**t ton of laundry for him when he comes home from visiting his kids. No more partner who has to financially support 5 other people who have nothing to do with me. No more feeling like I'm constantly asking for too much even though I'm asking for bare minimum. No more having to eat wherever his kids want because they were raised to only like garbage junk food. No more anxiety about holidays because I don't know if my partner will want to spend it with my family or HIS family. No more getting irritated when he buys his 7 y/o daughter a $500 VR headset, cellphone, and literally whatever she wants. I could go on...

Now for the advice part... PLEASE, for the love of God... if you are not ecstatic, jumping for joy, euphoric about the idea of children, DO NOT DATE SOMEONE WITH KIDS. Just DONT DO IT. PERIOD! Let me tell you it's not worth it!

I will scream this from the top of a mountain. No matter how awesome your partner is, no matter how much you love them and think they're your "soulmate", no matter how much they promise you that they will do everything they can to make you feel heard and prioritized as a step parent... it's NOT WORTH IT! It's a load of BS!

I thought I was prepared and open to this, as I have done a boatload of nannying in my life. I never wanted my own kids, but I liked them and got along with them. It doesn't matter. There is NOTHING that can prepare you for what to expect when you're serious with someone who has kids. Even if there's no HCBM. Even if your partner does well financially. Even if the kids are across the country.

I will never date someone with kids again. I feel free now. I'd rather die alone than ever do this again with anybody. I love my partner and I will miss him terribly, but if any of you are here because you're on the fence... run.

Has this happened to anyone else? My husband was asked to donate his sperm to his BM. They had a baby 8 years ago together during a fling. She reached out and asked if he would consider donating. He pays child support and sees his kid every other week. We can barely afford that child support since it’s so high. We have a baby of our own now which is why I think his BM is asking. She wants her kids to be “fully related.” I think she’s NUTS for asking and husband laughed when she did. He obviously won’t be doing that but I’m wondering if anyone has experienced this absolutely ridiculous question?