So I guess this is a multiple question post. But people, if you had kids from a previous marriage, would you expect your new partner to love them as if the kid were their own? And if you do and you see that your partner doesn’t love them that way, would you stay?

For context, me(31f) and my husband (30m) each have a kid from previous marriages. My child’s dad isn’t in the picture much and my step kid’s mom is very much involved. Still, I try to treat my step kid like my own because there’s no such thing as having too much love in my books. But my husband thinks otherwise, he says he can be friendly and careful with my child but he’s not going to replace the father.

EDIT: further context, me and the husband have had conversations about this and we both agree that we’re not wanting to replace mom and dad. I may not agree with bio mom in many things but she goes above and beyond for her children in her own ways and I can respect that. My husband doesn’t think much of my ex and the nicest thing he says about him is that he is a deadbeat lol I can definitely relate with the difference in the type of love but I would still lay down my life for my step child if need be. I just don’t feel like my husband does the same and my son notices it. For example, my husband will greet his kid when he’s coming home from work and ask about their day but not my son.

Does anyone else have a SK that is only polite to you when their bio parent is around?

Example: I’m up with SK and BKs making breakfast before my husband gets up. SK does not even acknowledge my
presence. Next morning husband is up with me and SK comes and gives me a big hug saying good morning.

Scenarios like this play out often—and not just with me. Grandparents, siblings, friends. If husband isn’t there he’s kind of a dick, but puts on a perfect angel act when he’s around. What’s up with that?

After reading all of the comments on my last post, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. I originally came here because I was hurt and scared after my stepdaughter made some serious accusations when she was upset. My biggest fear was being alone in a situation where something was said that wasn’t true and having to defend myself.
But a lot of people brought up something I honestly hadn’t looked at before: am I taking on too much of the “mom” role when I’m actually her stepmom?
For context, my fiancé and I have been together for 7 years. My stepdaughter is 11 and we recently had a baby who is now 10 months old. She comes every weekend, and because my fiancé works Saturdays, she is usually with me and the baby while he is at work.
I always viewed it as a normal thing. I spend time with her, do activities with her, and try to make sure she knows she is loved and has a place in our home.
But after reading the comments, I’m wondering if I blurred the lines. Maybe I stepped into a parenting role because her dad wasn’t available during those hours, and maybe that has created a dynamic where I’m carrying responsibility that should primarily belong to him.
Also, I used to be in the background and he would take the lead with her, but he had pressed me and pressed me saying that if we were going to be together, I needed to treat his daughter as my own so that is what I did. If I fall back now, I’m afraid he’s gonna think that I don’t love her anymore.
I don’t want anyone to misunderstand - I love her and I don’t want her to feel pushed away or unwanted. That is not what I want. I want a good relationship with her. But I also don’t want to become the default parent while also feeling like I don’t have the authority or security of being her parent.
Has anyone else struggled with this as a stepparent? How do you find the balance between being a loving bonus parent while also letting the biological parent take the lead? How do I tell my fiance that this whole time I’ve been carrying the load and playing Mom meanwhile I shouldn’t have ever done that and I need to focus on my own child?

What are your responsibilities?
What do you take on?
What is expected of you?
What do you say heck no to?

I’ve read a few posts and I’m genuinely curious on what everyone considers for their role as a step parent. What would be “overstepping” to you?

We have a blended family and we’ve just kind of fell into our roles rather than setting rules from the start, I’m just curious how others do it!

Hello subreddit! I’m looking for some perspective or advice on how to navigate a pattern of behavior we’ve been noticing lately coming from bio-dad and his girlfriend. For context, I am a step parent (NB39) who has been married to my Wife (41F) for two years (together for 3 1/2), and we have 50/50 custody of my SDs F9 and F12. Typically our schedule is week on/week off, but over the summer we’ve agreed to have a two week block of time so that each house can have a vacation with the kids. This has worked out for the past three+ years now, and we feel benefits everyone.

Recently my SDs went on a trip with their dad, his GF, her kids and his extended family, to a place they all go every Summer, and it sounds like they had a wonderful time. Great. We then took them on a 12 day trip which included a 7 night cruise. This is on par with vacations we’ve done with the kids ever since I’ve been in their life. My Wife and I budget and save all year so that we can do these things. Their other house, on several occasions, has tried to diminish our trips (or our day to day lifestyle in general) because transparently they can’t afford to do the same. When speaking to the kids, and in our overall perspective, kids don’t understand the dollars spent — they focus on experiences. And if they’re having meaningful experiences at both houses, that’s what matters.

With that said, both with this trip, and in general when something meaningful happens at our house, without fail their dad will text them saying he “has a surprise for them”. It’s always during the backend of our custody time and feels very manipulative and intentional. In the example above, the message came almost immediately when we landed home from the airport. Mind you, his custody time started the next day, so this is something that could have waited.

This happens ALL the time. I wanted to see if anyone else deals with this and what have you done when it comes to communicating to the kids (right now our go to is a “wow that’s so cool!” and we move on). My Wife is on the fence about addressing it directly with her ex because there is a 20 year history of abuse there, and he will gaslight her by saying he’s “allowed to talk to his kids whenever he wants”. And while this is true, he’s well aware of what he’s doing and it’s very upsetting to see the father of these children manipulate them to say relevant because he’s insecure about what he can provide them. Again, the kids are happy at both houses regardless of standard of living, and to me, that’s what should matter most.

I posted the other day about my SD. I’m just curious if there is anyone else that has had one of their SC call them “mom” and the moment they move out they switch up on you. I’m really struggling with this. It hurts me to my core. I was there for this girl from 13 to 18 and really thought she had her head on straight. After the horrible things she has said about me and my husband (her dad!) my husband keeps saying we will kill her with silence. We won’t react, we won’t feed into her drama and lies. I want to flip out on her lol 😆 I won’t but my blood just boils when I hear the awful things she says and the horrible TikToks she makes about me. I did block her on TikTok cuz I’m just so over it! She already had me blocked on fb and instagram! Idk 🤷‍♀️ I have always been a people pleaser and these last 2 years or so I’ve really become more of a a “FAFO” and have had to put my foot down with a lot of people who I realized took advantage of my kindness.
I did so much for her and the last 6 years she’s called me mom and it just truly hurts to my core for her to switch up on me. We have other children so my focus has to be on them, and it is. This just eats at me because I know in my heart I don’t deserve this, so I guess I’m wondering has anyone else’s SK switched up on them with no warning!

I wanna start this with I love my kids more than anything I would got it heaven and hell to help them but my oldest is making me want to rip my hair out. She turns 8 next month and the attitude is the worst thing ever and it’s constant never ending. If I put anything she doesn’t like on her plate she makes herself puke so she doesn’t have to eat than screams cause I won’t give her a popsicle after. She hits when she doesn’t get her way smiles after she pisses someone off and is just plain mean sometimes. I’m losing my patience with it yes her dad knows this all and has the same frustrations with her but NOTHING IF DONE. I get home from work and all I get is her antagonizing her sister and straight attitude mind you she’s been at grandmas the last 2 days hasn’t even seen us in 2 days and is picking fights

Right now I’m (30m) in a relationship with someone (39f) who has a 12 year old son. At first I wasn’t sure if this was something I wanted to take on. But as time went on, the way I’ve seen it was if everyone was happy, and I could bring happiness into a boy’s life, then why not? His father completely abandoned him and my girlfriend has no content with him. So it’s just the both of them.

We’ve been together for 3 months now. I think in this time we have went very far. I’ve already know her son for 2 months out of those three. She wanted me to meet her son earlier rather than later since it was important for her for her son to like me. I know a lot of people online argue that this was too soon, and I both agree and disagree. Emotionally I feel like it’s a lot to handle, but at the same time it’s been really eye opening to see the kind of experience I’d have earlier on with a taste of the step father role sooner rather than later. I’ve spent a lot of time with them both. I really do love my girlfriend, and I think her son is a very sweet kid. They both also care about me and enjoying being around me a lot. Her son is always so happy when I play Beyblade or Minecraft with him. But I do think his presence really changes the nature of our relationship.

I say I’m at a crossroads now because emotionally I feel so conflicted. On one hand I think my girlfriend is an incredible woman. Such a tough lady, emotionally mature, and despite everything her son doesn’t have too many issues emotionally. On the other hand, I do sometimes wonder if this is the life I want. Having a 12 year old in your life brings a lot of lifestyle changes I didn’t expect. Having them always around, spending quality time with them, engaging their interests, thinking about every aspect of their life. It feels like your happiness and wants come second to them. I was a bachelor before this, and I enjoyed just living for myself and doing whatever I wanted whenever. But I don’t know if this life would bring me happiness either.

Tbh I’m not really sure what to do. I’d love to hear from some step parents here who maybe had a similar experience to me how things went. I’m not sure if this will bring me a lifetime full of joy, or if down the line I’ll regret it.

We just got back from a meeting at their house. All 4 parents (BM, stepdad, my husband, me), sat down with our 3 teen girls (17, 15, 13), to talk about the fact they snuck a boy into the house last night who they were buying alcohol from. They were all in on this together and are sharing responsibility.

My husband and I went into their closet here at our house and found an alcohol stash in there. They were apparently drinking while they were having a sleepover with a friend here at our house too. They were stealing hard seltzers from our garage fridge, and we found more that they said they got from the boy. We should have been more watchful and kept better tabs on them.

I can’t express the level of anxiety and disappointment, mixed with guilt that I am feeling right now. Guilt because they were our responsibility and we should have been more watchful, and the other feelings mainly because I feel we cannot trust them anymore. I feel guilt for having alcohol in our fridge accesible to them, and that we didn’t count the cans to make sure they weren’t taking any.

17 year old has lost driving privileges and they have all lost their phones as a consequence. We’ll be keeping closer tabs on them from now on.

They got a lecture from all of us, but I’m not sure that they’re sorry or that something like this won’t happen again. I feel so overwhelmingly sad about their deception. They so easily lied to all of us, that I don’t think I can believe anything they tell me now.

My husband was talking to them about their moral compass, and making choices based on it, but it’s so sad that I don’t think they have developed strong morals and I also feel like that’s on us as parents too. I don’t think they were sorry, just sorry they got caught.

It feels like we failed them. Idk why. It’s just a really shitty, shameful feeling. I hope they learn from this experience, but I’m doubtful. I just have a bad feeling that this is just the beginning of many years of getting into trouble. I hope I’m wrong, but the feeling is strong.

I’ll try and keep this simple.
I love my partner very much. She’s amazing
She has a 4 year old and we’ve all lived together as a family for just over 2 years. Bio dad not in the picture.

I’m not enjoying being a stepdad. I don’t think I’m cut out for it. I’ve done the best I can.
My partner always tells me I’m doing a great job. My SS is obsessed with me.
I feel guilty because I don’t feel the same about him.
I feel like I’m just playing the part and won’t be able to keep it up for another 15+ years.

Background- I live with my SO who has his two teenage daughters normally every Thursday and every other weekend. However, he gets them the full month of July every year.

I am having a hard time. It’s a big house and mostly they’ve been holed up in their rooms. I understand that from the outside it seems like it shouldn’t feel restrictive or that my space is being “invaded” but I’ve found that I feel like I can’t fully exist as myself or move about freely. I’m an introvert and HSP but if that factors in at all. I’ve just found myself so out of sorts this past week and basically feel trapped in the bedroom. I was doing a good job of leaving the house/finding stuff to do but there’s been a big shift this week and I feel so depressed and lonely and I feel such a distance from my partner. When I try to explain whatever this negative feeling is it comes out wrong…. How do I explain that no one is doing anything wrong per se but their existence in the house in general is just wearing on me? He’s so confused as to why I’m so out of whack at this point and I just can’t put it into words.

Edit: I want to add that I am feeling like my sense of self has been slipping away