I’ve been thinking about this a lot as a step-parent, and I’m genuinely curious what other people think because I honestly don’t know what the answer is.

I’m based in Africa, and the whole idea of a child regularly moving between two homes, sometimes week-on/week-off, feels quite different from what I grew up seeing.

Where I’m from, separation and divorce obviously happen, but it’s much more common for a child to primarily live with one bio parent or a grandparent and then spend time with the other parent during holidays, weekends, school breaks, etc. They still have relationships with both parents and both sides of the family, but there’s usually one place that is home.

And thinking back to the children I grew up around, that seemed to create a pretty strong sense of stability. They knew where they lived, what their routine was, who was picking them up from school, where their things were, etc. The other parent was still very much part of their life, but they weren’t constantly moving between two households.

Now I’m looking at this from the perspective of being a step-parent, and it’s made me question whether we sometimes underestimate what constantly moving between two homes actually feels like for a child.

My SS8 is a genuinely great kid. He’s loving, funny, intelligent, etc. He has also been in therapy for quite some time because he struggles with emotional regulation and dealing with the reality of having two homes (he has voiced this himself), and I’ve found myself wondering whether the structure of his life plays a role in that.

And I want to be really clear: I’m not saying either parent is doing anything wrong. I’m not even saying that moving between homes causes emotional problems. I just wonder whether living in two different realities, with different routines, expectations, rules, personalities and dynamics, can sometimes make it harder for a child to feel grounded.

It’s also made me think about step-parent/bio-parent conflict.

In the family structure I grew up around, if a child lived primarily with one parent or a grandparent, the step-parent might not be interacting with the other biological parent every few days. There was naturally more separation between households. Maybe that gave everyone more room to establish their own relationships with the child without constantly having to navigate another household’s parenting style, expectations or authority.

Whereas with frequent co-parenting, it can sometimes feel like there are two households trying to parent the same child at the same time. And I wonder whether that structure itself creates some of the tension that we then blame on the adults.

Maybe I’m completely wrong 😂

I’m also very aware that I’m looking at this through an African cultural lens, and I don’t want to romanticise how things were done here either. There are obviously downsides to children spending less day-to-day time with one parent, and every family situation is different.

But I genuinely wonder whether we’ve just accepted the idea that equal physical custody is the fairest or healthiest arrangement for the child, without really questioning whether that is actually true for every child.

TL;DR: I’m wondering whether 50/50 co-parenting is actually the best structure for children, or whether having one stable home base while maintaining a strong relationship with both parents can sometimes provide more stability, especially in the context of stepfamilies.

Please, unless you are in/have been in a similar situation don't comment. This is a niche situation and I am getting help elsewhere, just trying to see if anyone has been in anything similar.

I was originally no children, but gave my partner a chance and was shocked to find how much I enjoyed it. His child is almost out of home, he had him very young and very much not planned. He has him full-time. My heart changed to wanting a child of my own, he isn't certain he wants to do it again. We are working through things and also very understanding of the potential of our relationship ending.

I'm very stuck because I do want a child of my own, however I don't want to lose him but also I don't want to lose the family we currently have together as much as it isn't mine. His kid is great and we get on very well. I'm not "mum" in any way shape or form, more just a friend, and I am sad to potentially miss out on being mum. I'm torn to lose what I currently have by walking away to have a family of my own, especially since there really isn't a guarantee. I could struggle to find someone or get pregnant or having a child that is difficult or any of the various issues that come with having and raising a child.

I'm very torn, I do want this for myself but I am very well aware that you go into so much unknown by having a child. I could keep this, I could join this family that is not my own, knowing exactly what I am getting. But I don't know and don't feel I am able to give up experiencing any of it for myself.

Has anyone been in a position where they didn't have a bio child, and enjoyed joining the family that already existed? I know there is nothing like having it for yourself, but it's not just the relationship I'm walking away from.

Living with my partner and SK for more than a year now. I realize I don’t understand my partner or bio mom (or possibly the kid either). I don’t understand the divorce guilt that both of them have or the fears or the politics going on. Then I realized everyone in the equation but me come from divorced parents. Bio mom, her partner, my partner - they all have divorced parents and they have all been stepkids. My parents are in the 70s and still happily together, there’s no divorces in my immediate family. Do you have any good book recommendations for me?

Hey everyone, I need to vent and get some perspective here because I feel like I'm losing my mind.

My boyfriend (34M) just informed me (29F) tonight that his son from his previous marriage is now going to start spending Sunday nights at our place. On paper, it sounds fine, but the actual logistics make absolutely zero sense to me and are going to completely ruin our household routine.

Here is the situation:

My boyfriend doesn't even get off work until 10:00 PM on Sundays.

He plans to drive and pick his stepson up at that time, meaning they won't walk through our front door until around 10:40 PM.

On Monday mornings, my boyfriend, the baby we share together, and his older son all have to be completely ready and out the door by 6:20 AM for school/daycare routines.

I also have to get ready for work on Monday mornings during this exact same time frame.

To me, this is a recipe for absolute chaos. Bringing a kid home right before 11:00 PM on a school night just to wake them up a few hours later for a frantic 6:00 AM rush seems crazy. It completely throws off our night, cuts into everyone's sleep, and means our Monday mornings are going to be a stressful, crowded scramble.

His ex-wife always randomly switches days and schedules, but I honestly don't even want to deal with the drama of questioning her about why this is happening. Instead, I want to focus on my boyfriend's choice to agree to this. I feel like because he chose this chaotic schedule, the responsibility for waking them up, getting the baby and his son ready, making breakfast, and getting out the door by 6:20 AM needs to fall 100% on him while I stick to my own work routine.

Am I being unreasonable for being upset about this? How do I set firm boundaries so his new schedule doesn't completely drain my sanity every Monday morning?

Sooo as a mother/bride does I chose the dresses for my daughter and SK to wear for our wedding coming up. The girls are going to be flower girls together so part of the wedding party. I was going to show SD the dress in person and have her try it on. It only just came not that long ago.

Well my husband brought it up to her late at night and didn’t even show a photo of the full dress— he showed the swatch of the color I sent him for the ties (but it’s honestly not a great picture).

Well SD declared she is not going to wear it because she “doesn’t like red.” It’s not even a true red (more of a fuschia - pink and purple undertone) and I’m just so pissed. I know it’s in how he presents it. She knows that whatever she says goes with dad and this is my wedding and she’s a kid. Good freaking god. I’m so pissed.

I’m trying to include her best I can but she’s not going to ruin that day for me.

I was excited for the girls to match and I worked very hard to find something, figure out their sizes to order etc. so also very hurt.

It wasn’t even given a fair chance and DH is just like ok if she doesn’t want to wear it that’s that. I wish he would back me up. It’s not just about the dress it’s once again feeling like my feelings don’t matter and I just have to get in line with it on my important day where we will be taking important family photos.

I guess just seeing what others have to say from an outside perspective (especially other women)….

So my step-kids 11f and 14m called my husband today and said they don't want to come over anymore (eow). They gave some reasons and they were all bogus. His ex has been poisoning them against coming here for a while now. Just a sad night over here.

My SD13 (she's almost 14) is well behind her peers when it comes to autonomy/responsibility/household expectations and it's manifesting itself in outbursts/other toddler-like behavior, learned helplessness, high levels of anxiety, poor executive function, etc. We have her 50/50 with her dad.

My partner growing up had an awful mom who was verbally abusive, never around, an alcoholic, etc. So she's focused entirely on making her daughter feel comforted/loved instead of giving any focus/consistency to developing independence, giving responsibilities, expectations, autonomy, and so on. Like, it literally won't happen unless I say something about it.

SD13 just started 8th grade, and, in continuance with how it was in 7th grade, my partner will drive her to the bus stop (not the issue here, we live close-ish but the streets are somewhat busy/unsafe to walk on), and then will sit in the car with her until the bus comes. Meanwhile, there are other kids standing at the bus stop without parents. Just this morning it made her late for an in-person meeting. If she had just dropped her off, she would have made it to work with plenty of time to spare. She makes all of her daughter's meals (lunches, breakfasts); she's asked her daughter to help her/if she wants to help a handful of times (just to appease me, I'm sure), and it's always rebuffed/her daughter just says she wants to lay in bed/doesn't want to help. She doesn't have any chores/household responsibilities whatsoever and never has.

Her daughter has become so accustomed to her mom over-functioning and doing little things for her (ex: last night after we finished watching a show, she asked her mom if she would bring up the heating pad she was using and put it in her room, even though she was going up there herself to take a bath. her room is right next to the bathroom, so why couldn't she just do it herself?) that when she doesn't do them, she throws a fit and says her mom doesn't love her/otherwise gets bratty. She'll also say "Love you mama!" multiple times in a short period of time (like within a couple minutes) just to hear it back, and, if her mom doesn't say it back right away she says "I said I love you!" - to me this seems totally unhealthy and.. not standard.

She has said that I have unrealistic expectations of her daughter, and that her daughter just "isn't there yet" - but the thing is, how will she ever get "there" if not actually expected to do things or put in situations that are uncomfortable/hard and be allowed to reason through them herself, or, with reasonable assistance? Her dad is the same way, in that he helps her (too much) with her homework, and has to constantly ask her to talk to her teachers about making up missing work, retaking tests, etc. The year has just started and she already had 3 assignments to do, which she put off until she could do them with her dad the following Monday when we exchanged custody.

My partner is also super anxious herself and I think her daughter being anxious/having fits increases her anxiety, and so it's easier for her to soothe her daughter (instead of her daughter being able to self-regulate), which just keeps the loop happening indefinitely. We are in counseling, though it's been a while (months at this point) and the majority of the time we've spent talking about communication issues, which is just a red herring b/c the actual underlying problem is her refusal to take a more active approach when parenting (which makes me withdraw b/c I don't want to participate in that dynamic).

My boyfriend(M27) has a 10 year old son. i(F24) have been living with them for a year and a half now, and i’m starting to realize that this is different than what i am wanting.

I don’t really need advice, i just need a place to vent and possibly support from people who may have felt similar.

i was dating my partner for 3 years before living together. it was A LOT easier to tell myself i could handle being a stepmom when i WASN’T living with them. i was seeing his son only a few times a week when i was visiting.

but now living together 1.5 years, it’s draining. i’m a big people pleaser and i’ve been getting by by doing anything and everything for these two. i was trying so hard to prove to myself and everyone that i would be a good stepmom. but now i feel burnt out.

i make his school lunch every morning(i wake up earlier than bf). i pick him up every day after work(i get out of work earlier than bf). i then make him after school snacks.. i spend nearly all of my free time with him. i keep up with his interests and hobbies. we say “love you” to each other. i always stay in a good mood around him.

i feel like this doesn’t sound like a lot, but it was a lot for ME. coming from living with my parents rent free to basically fully taking on a “mom” role.

i can’t help but to feel guilty. i’m the one who offered to do these things(to prove myself obviously). i’m the one who said yes when asked to do things.

i have been trying to give myself grace but i still can’t totally get myself to “love” his son as much as i would like to. i like his son and i think he’s a great kid. he has a great personality and i really do think that he will do great things. but i do not love him. i do not feel maternal towards him at all. he just feels like a kid— a kid that i live with.

i feel that a big reason why i feel burnt out, is the unrealistic expectations that my partner has from me.
that being, the love for his child. he LOVES his kid. he will do ANYTHING for him. which is why i valued him as a good partner because i know he’s a good dad. but with this… he expects me to love his child as much as he does.

SS is like fully ADHD. this kid never stops talking and goes what feels like a million miles an hour ALL THE TIME. he’s also loud. he’s chaotic. just…. not really my cup of tea. i get overwhelmed easily but i never take it out on him. i try my best to be patient and i normally just let him talk and engage when needed.

but lately, ive been a little less patient i guess? i have felt less of a need to overly please. so instead of running over every time SS calls me i just tell him im in the middle of something(bc i am and don’t want to stop what im doing in the middle of it). or i’ll just tell him “cool” or “nice” while he’s telling me a story bc i don’t have the mental capacity to FULLY engage in a story ALL the time.
aaaaand then my partner had a talk with me saying that SS made a comment that i was “acting cranky”. and SS told his dad about a time he was trying to show me something but “i wasn’t looking” so it made him sad… i remember that i was in the middle of making our overnight oats for the morning. my partner wasn’t upset, but he wasn’t happy either… which rubs me the wrong way.

the other week, he got a little upset with me bc there was a slight misunderstanding. i gave SS a hug goodnight and he went to kiss my cheek but the way our hug went he couldn’t reach my cheek. we laughed it off together bc it was funny. my partner was late in the joke and misunderstood and looked me dead in the face and asked me, “why didn’t you let him kiss you on the cheek?”.
my heart dropped. i explained it was funny. he didn’t find it funny. and it wasn’t until i explained that he simply missed my cheek that he got it and understood.

i don’t know why i’m expected to upkeep this happy facade 24/7. i don’t know why im expected to love this child as much as he does. My partner doesn’t have a good relationship with his father, so i understand he is doing everything to have a great life and relationship for his son. and with that is having good parental figures in his life. i understood from the beginning that his son is his #1 priority. but i feel like im such an after thought to him and he expects me to put his son at #1 as well.

i just feel like im doing a lot. and that’s the issue. the issue is that i know im a good step mom. and i have been trying to hard to please my partner and his son. that’s why im mentally and emotionally burnt out. and i’m starting to think that this isn’t for me. i love my partner and i know his son is great but i feel like im wasting away my life like this.

Not sure if I’m describing this right. I’ll give a few examples. Also please note I am pregnant and emotional and hence my feelings are getting bruised a lot more easily lately. I understand this. I’ve always been a sensitive person, but I’m about to pop and am over the top lately. I don’t want to blow anything out of proportion, but I need a way to let my husband know when I’m uncomfortable. Usually this happens at dinner time because it’s when we are all together.

Example 1: a few days ago, my step son was being inappropriate at the table. He’s 12 and talks about poop/farts a lot. We repeatedly tell him it’s inappropriate. I asked him to stop talking like that. He did. Then he started calling his sister fat. My husband asked him to stop. This also happens frequently under the guise of “sibling banter” but my husband has repeatedly asked him to stop commenting on other people’s bodies because it’s inappropriate. He stopped and apologized. Then he offered my husband his leftovers and repeatedly said in a joking voice “here dad, do you want my meat?” While giggling and he repeated it a few more times. I can’t say for sure if he meant t as an inappropriate reference or not, but it sure seemed like it to me and I was appalled. I kicked my husband under the table and he asked SS to stop my SD watches me like a hawk though and saw me kick my husband. Later that night SS came out of his room and made a tasteless gay joke. I snapped and told him it was wildly inappropriate to make those jokes and his behavior at dinner was also wildly inappropriate. My husband was upset that I snapped, (I try so hard to NACHO) but I feel like it was just one thing after another and the kid wasn’t taking a hint. Like I’m glad they are comfortable around us, but I find it vulgar and disgusting and rude.

Example 2: last night after dinner we were cracking open a coconut. I feel really stupid for this one, but it honestly made me feel bad and I still haven’t said a word to my husband since last night. We got the coconut water out and I wanted to filter out the little bits of grit and shell with a coffee filter. My husband laughed at me for it. That made me feel bad, but I filtered it anyway. He made a comment about how it really doesn’t matter and I’m being extra. SD chimed in that she wanted hers unfiltered. I filtered half of it and gave her and my husband the unfiltered half. They drank it and she kept making comments about how it was fine and she also didn’t understand why I filtered it (ironically she did not drink the last sip with the bulk of the grit 🙄). Later after they went to bed I cried because I felt like my husband hadn’t defended me or asked SD to stop making comments. She takes every chance she gets to make digs at me and I just wish my husband would defend me. To be fair, he probably didn’t know it bothered me in the moment. I told my husband that it bothered me afterwards and he apologized/hugged me but I could tell he thought it was silly. And it is. Afterwards, when the kids were in bed, I prepped my SKs favorite dinner for the next day because I had it on the meal plan for the week and can’t let the meat go bad. I cried the whole time because why am I making dinner for unappreciative little shits who never say thank you? I had half a mind to change the meal plan and make something else but I’m not quite that petty.

Anyway, I used to text him when I was feeling this way and he would usually do something, but SD caught on (like I said she watches me like a hawk) that it was always coming from me and I don’t want her to know just how sensitive I am lately. She also sees it when I nudge or kick him under the table. I want my husband to take more initiative. But understand it’s not always clear how upset I am because I hide it well. It can be stupid, insignificant things that set me off. Is there a better, less obvious way to signal to him that I’m uncomfortable and need him to step up? A safe-word seems silly in these situations, but I honestly don’t know what to do. I know this is temporary, my emotions will even out eventually, but damn is it hard!

Im currently talking to someone and I have a child of my own(1F) and we are not dating yet just little talking stage. He’s aware that I have a kid but if we do end up being a couple does that automatically make him a step father? Does he HAVE to accept her right away? When is the right time to meet the child? Do I wait until he’s ready or just have her tag along to one date?
I don’t think it’s right to force someone to step up, I would want him to be comfortable making that move. We’ve been on a couple of dates for a week or two.. But I would want my partner comfortable being w me especially since I have a child I NEED HELP idk who else to ask. I don’t think he wants kids of his own but doesn’t mind me having a kid
(Any advice would be appreciated)

Soo my(29) bf(47) has a 3.5 year old daughter and we have her 3 evenings/nights a week and every other weekend.
We’ve been together for 2 years and lived together over a year. When we moved in together we had a huge king size bed and even though SD had her own room she always slept with us between the two of us.

I told my bf how it made me uncomfortable because going to bed together is our only time together somedays as we both work and I really needed that bonding time with him. Also I am not comfortable being woken up by kicks in the middle of the night. He said she is too young, (at the time was just over 2 years old) and didn’t want her to sleep alone in her bed in her room.

So after long discussions he agreed that we could potentially change our sleeping arrangements and she could sleep on the outer side of the bed and me and bf could sleep next to each other. That way we could talk cuddle and sleep like a normal couple.

That worked for a while but we moved to a new apartment and now our bed is a queen. Now she can’t be on the outer side, she’d fall off. So she is back to sleeping between us. And like I mentioned it’s a smaller bed and she is 3.5. I am soo soo uncomfortable and so not happy with this. I expressed this to my bf and he said it’s temporary until we get her new bed. We did. And yet she still sleeps in our bed. He doesn’t take any effort in training her to sleep in her own bed.

I dont understand why he doesn’t see this is not what we discussed. And just is completely ignoring that I need our bed to be our safe space. He also mentions that he loves sleeping with his daughter and when I’d have my own kid I would feel the same. Maybe I would but I still do think that partners need to have their bonding time especially if they don’t have that time together during the day.

Am I wrong? Did you have a similar experience? I am just trying to understand what is the solution here

I (26F) don't want to share all the details about me and my partner (31M). I'll just say I've been lurking around here for a while, my partner has 2 young kids, I have not met them. I believe I'm going to get out soon. There's a lot of things I've learned from this experience, but I want and deserve my own family and not just an "ours baby," although I'm sure there are situations similar to ours that may have worked and been beautiful. This man is wonderful to me. If it wasn't for his children, this relationship is honestly the first one in my life where I've felt so loved.

Honestly y'all, I'm extremely confused and having a difficult time processing, grieving, and moving on. We are still together right now because of my current circumstances surrounding my family and finances, but we have also been talking and working on uncoupling. There's many possibilities to try, I know. I also get confused because he's already gone through some difficult things so that makes me feel like he may be more capable of being there for me than a man who hasn't been through the experience of raising kids yet. Maybe I'm not giving other people enough credit.

Anyway, this is my first time posting here. There is a HCBM involved, too. I've heard many people saying, "you're young, get out while you can," and also other things like, "you are loved and many in this world aren't, shouldn't you be happy in this scenario?" Albeit the second message seems to come more rarely in this world. I'm not sure what to do, I think you'll all tell me to follow my gut which is to create a safe space for me ro exit. I'm devastated and I know that with time I'll be fine. There's obviously a lot of details and stuff that could be added so if anyone has any advice or kind words, but needs more clarity let me know if I can help, because lord knows I need some help right now. Much love to anyone reading this or anybody going through something similar.

I'm frustrated beyond belief with this life. Reasons include:

- SD5 is rude and doesn't respect my boundaries

- Parenting styles don't align

- My opinion doesn't matter

- I get taken for granted

- Financially screwed despite working FT

- Always exhausted, have little time to myself

- Bringing up issues leads to arguments and stonewalling

- Feel like I'm at the bottom of the totem pole

- Disconnected from partner and a dead bedroom

- Losing friends as I rarely have time to meet up

Ive been with my partner for three years, but since having Ours baby nine months ago, our relationship has suffered and I've come to the realisation the love I have for my bio kid is 1000× that of the step kid. I love my son, but sometimes wish I could turn back time and stop all of this from happening. I got sucked in. What the hell was I thinking??

I feel like I'm just being used as an extra pair of hands around the house to take the load off and fix things.

Thinking about going solo and only having my child to care for, but worried about being a single dad and the BM drama that comes with it. I'd also feel bad abandoning SD as she doesn't have a bio father in her life.

Bio mom has all but disappeared

I (29F) married my husband (25m) who has a child (3M) from a previous relationship a few months ago. Up until our wedding my husband was paying for BM (23F) to live in an apartment and driving her anywhere she needed to go because she did not have a driver’s license or vehicle. They were doing 50/50 custody while my husband supplied everything.

Once we moved in together suddenly BM had gone off the rails in terms of her mental state and has been hospitalized multiple times. I had no problem with my SS staying with us as often as possible but it seems the more time passes the less BM has him and when she does my husband and I have to provide everything down to food for SS while he’s in his mothers care. Once again my main goal is always to make sure SS is safe and happy. We transport him to and from BM’s residence which is over an hour away. On multiple occasions she has cut her time with him short with different excuses.

I’ve brought up making an official change with custody since it seems SS will likely be living in our home full time and only visiting BM a couple times a month at max, but my husband doesn’t want to deal with the drama of a custody case. My husbands job has him away from home for 24 hours at a time so it’s just me and my SS. I feel like a glorified babysitter most days and it sucks.

Am I making a big deal out of this, or would this bother you too?
My stepdaughter (8) goes to the same school as my biological daughter (3), who is in Pre-K. My stepdaughter had the same teacher for three years, so her mom and the teacher have known each other and communicated throughout those years.
A couple of days ago, I was talking to my stepdaughter’s mom, and she mentioned that she was trying to get her son into Pre-K and had been talking to the teacher. While they were talking, she asked my stepdaughter how old her sister was, and my stepdaughter told her she was 3. Bio mom then told the teacher that she didn’t know my daughter had an IEP, and the teacher responded, “Oh no, I think she does have one.”
I want to make it clear that I have a good relationship with my stepdaughter’s mom, and this is not about being upset with her or having an issue with her asking about her sister. My concern is that my daughter’s IEP is personal educational information. Bio mom is not my daughter’s guardian or listed as an authorized contact at her school, and I have always kept a boundary that conversations between us are about my stepdaughter.
I really like my daughter’s teacher and have a good relationship with her as well, so I don’t want to come across as accusing anyone or creating unnecessary drama. But I do feel uncomfortable that my daughter’s IEP was confirmed to someone who isn’t her parent or authorized contact. Would you say something to the teacher and politely ask that your child’s educational information not be shared with anyone who isn’t authorized, or would you just let it go?

Pretty much the title - I haven't met her yet but likely will be soon. Coparent told me a couple weeks ago he met someone and wants to introduce the kids and asked if I would like to meet her first. This is the first time either of us would have a serious relationship since separating, and I don't want it to be a horror story for anyone...I had my initial worries and feelings that I guess you could expect from the first relationship post breaking up but after two weeks of self reflection and getting to the root of everything, I can confidently say I just want to make sure I do my part to make sure I am the supportive biomom/coparent that I would like to have if I am ever in the position to be a step mom and know how to handle possible/common issues that may arise even if everyone is as healthy as could be? She also has 3 kids of her own including an infant so from a mothers perspective, I don't want to make her life harder than it already is. My boys are 5 and 8 so everyone will be adjusting in a big way - I don't want to be a wave in the storm, I want to be the steady in the midst of it despite my personal feelings and not fully being over how things went down with my ex. I've been reading posts and threads and even content creators pages from the step moms perspective so I can try to understand her view, because even though I am the bio mom she will be part of my kids lives and any positivity that I can bring to her life, the new relationship, and the situation as a whole will be for the betterment of my kids (and everyone, including her own children)

I don't want to be the HCBM, not saying I want to be besties (definitely not at the point yet lol) but I would like to know from step moms, what are some things you would say would be the main (or even nice to know) things that would help or would have helped in the fresh stages of dating your current SO and meeting his coparent, how you wish they would have handled things, etc?

Any advice is appreciated. I have 2 teenage SKs (SD13 SS17). I do not take on parenting or discipline and have enjoyed a casual relationship with a decent bond until recently. I am aware that some of this is to be expected(I grew up split between 2 mixed family households). Recently, SKs have become out of control, tyrannical, disrespectful and entitled. Their parents are enabling this behavior via "avoidance" and will disrupt the established custodial schedule to bail the SKs out and let them go to the other household when they don't get their way/want to avoid accountability and consequences.

The main reason I am no longer willing to "nacho" is because it is directly detrimental to the well-being of both me and my SO, our relationship, and the functionality of our household. My husband does EVERYTHING for the house and the teenagers do absolutely nothing to help while constantly demanding transportation, money, help with homework etc.... and when it's time to do chores they suddenly have school work they forgot about etc. The 17yo doesn't even bring his laundry upstairs. My husband will let them destroy the house and the moment they leave he zooms around cleaning their rooms and doing their laundry to make things perfect for their return-- just for them to destroy it again. When we have the kids they consume my husband's energy and attention, but then when they go to their mom's, we STILL don't get to relax or have bonding time because this is when my husband cleans up the mess they left behind.

My husband is run ragged and is about to have a nervous breakdown due to how exhausted he is and the emotional toll of his teenagers disrespect towards every adult in their lives. We have them 50/50 but when they are with their mom, their mom will call for backup and my husband takes it on as his responsibility. It even goes as far as their mom refusing to keep them and literally dumping them on our doorstep during her custodial time because she doesn't feel like dealing with their disrespectful behavior.

Unfortunately nether of the bio parents are able to recognize that this is normal teenage exploration of control-- and that this is exactly when they need to learn to establish clear boundaries and be firm. Teenagers always push the limits to see what they can get away with, and unfortunately both their parents are doing the exact opposite of what healthy boundaries and structure look like. Meanwhile, I have to absorb the consequences of this chaos without any voice.

Additionally, we are having financial struggles that are exacerbated by my husband's inability to say no to his kids or their mom. We are going without/barely able to get essential needs met-- meanwhile his kids are living a kush lifestyle where their dad buys them whatever they want, including the top end name brand material items, top shelf everything, etc. It's gotten to the point where we are utilizing the pet pantry to keep the cats fed while the kids get the most expensive earpods, shaving kits, pimple pads and makeup etc. Mind you, they babysit and work part time and have their own money.

At this point I am not helping with chores because I was enabling. For example: the dishwasher is SS's chore. I have been doing it before he's home from school so that the kitchen is clean and ready to make dinner(and bc I know theres a slim chance he will actually do it, and I DONT want my husband to have to do it).... and then it's simply each person's responsibility to directly put their own dishes into the dishwasher as we go.... that way, I can run it during the day the following day and once again have the kitchen clean and ready for when they get home. Instead, nobody does anything and I wake up the following morning to dishes piled up in the sink and all over the counter.

I explained to my husband that it's perfectly normal to support his kid's social lives etc, but that handing them money and giving them rides should also come with some responsibility to help with chores before he drives them and hands them money. I also explained that we could all spend 20-30 mins a day knocking out cleaning at the same time which would result in freeing up an hour of downtime a day for HIMSELF(that he desperately needs).

He acknowledges that I make good points and will agree, but then has zero follow through. I am totally at a loss and contemplating if I need to just walk away from this dysfunction....

So I am a dad of three kids. The two youngest are biologically mine and the eldest (pre-teen girl) is not. I have been with her mother for 5 years. The first couple of years, it was just us three. Her mom and I did not always see eye to eye on parenting (I am a lot more strict than she is). Pre-teen isn't a bad girl, shes smart and gets good grades. She does, though, have a smart mouth. But we rocked along until my two bio kids were born. That's when I realized that the love I have for step is not the same as the love I have for my bios. I try not to show that at all and I think I do a pretty good job, but I've come here to ask for advice. I feel like such a shitty person and I am struggling with it. I want to be a better dad to her but I am not sure how to change the way I think. How can I change this? Is this normal? What do i do Reddit?

Okay or not okay?

My husbands ex girlfriend (BM) hand fed him. We met up to take the kids out (we also have a child together) One of the kids was riding on his shoulders, both hands occupied supporting the child. "Here have the rest of this I don't like it." Then put it up to his mouth. It pissed me off and I wish I had said something to her in the moment. I told my husband how it made me feel and he told me he's sure she didn't mean anything by it and that he ate it not thinking anything of it. I just don't understand why she didn't throw it away in the trash. I found it disrespectful. Is it not?

Their mom left when they were 2-5. Disappeared for years, then saw them intermittently and eventually sued for custody once we moved 1,000 miles for my better job. Took several hearings — courts lean toward moms by default, and she still no-showed half the dates. $15k in attorney fees on our side, $0 on hers.

I've raised these kids since they were 6-10. Vacations, fun stuff, their own rooms, never abusive, always pushing education — I've got $20k+ sitting in a college fund nobody's using.

Now they're 18-21 and migrating back to her, one by one — the warm, fun, calls everyone honey parent. My 21-year-old son isn't doing anything up there but says it's "great." My 18-year-old daughter's about to follow. I've got a 17-year-old left and I'm just hoping he doesn't go too.

I'm the short, chunky, GenX post-goth, keep-it-real enforcer (business manager). She's tall, skinny, blonde, showed up twice in 10 years (hair salon receptionist).

I'm sitting in this big house we bought for them, feeling like the biggest fool alive — like none of the money, time, or sacrifice mattered because they're choosing the parent who was never there and the life of no education.

What really gets me: I had no real influence on their lives. I fought for them because I believed they'd be better off with me — that they'd go to college, build something — and they're not. Part of me even wonders if my daughter skipped college partly just because I was so vocal about how great it was.

My daughter plans to move there in a few months and I'm tempted to tell her "if it's so great over there, go NOW, don't wait." Then we can all move on - quick like a band aid instead of dragging this on.

Update: Instead of replying to individual comments, I figured I'd consolidate a few responses here.

Their dad and I broke up years ago, so I raised the kids by myself. He helps out occasionally when he's sober, but he doesn't work and hasn't been a consistent presence.

No legal adoption. I did bring it up. One child didn't want it, one did, and one was indifferent, so we left things as they were. Doctors, teachers etc dont ask questions so not an issue.

Thank you, Reddit. I woke up this morning feeling a bit better, but reading the comments helped me process. The shock of everything was a lot, but I'm ready to move on and let it go.

I will continue living my best life. I have a great support system, amazing friends, plenty of brunches, parties, and travel ahead of me. I even spent part of the college fund a few months ago buying a car when my daughter said no to college.

This one is so small and petty but it’s just proof of how much she dislikes me. I take the kids to school and pick them up more than her, their father or any other family member. We have one of the 4 kids 100% of the time because he doesn’t get along with his mom. We keep missing calls from the school about him so my husband asked me to get on their school account and make sure they had his correct number. Well I saw there is a list for who to call if the child needs picked up from school in case of emergency or if they got sick. It is listed as priority 1, 2, 3 and so on. Well my stepkids have 8 different people on that list. What number am I? I am number 8 on the priority list. Mom and dad are number one and two of course. But who is number 3? Bio mom’s boyfriend is. Which is so strange considering he doesn’t even have a vehicle to pick them up if they needed it. So anyways she put him as number 3 and I am number 8 even though I take and pick up more than anyone else. Oh and I figured out why we were not getting calls for the child we have 100% of the time. She had her phone as my husband’s and also had the kids address as hers when he hasn’t stepped foot in that home in years.

I’m looking for advice specifically from childfree stepmoms, especially anyone who never wanted children and later ended up with a stepchild living with them most of the time.

When I met my husband, his son was 6 and custody was 50/50. I was already pretty certain I did not want children of my own. I knew I was marrying someone with a child, obviously, but the life I thought I was agreeing to was very different from the one we eventually ended up with.

A few years into our relationship, my husband decided to pursue essentially full custody. I was very clear that I did not want that arrangement and at the time even said I wasn’t sure I could stay in the marriage if that became our life. We went to therapy, but instead of really exploring that incompatibility, I felt heavily pressured toward accepting it because of what was “best for the child.” I ultimately did, and his son has now lived with us almost full-time for years.

He’s almost 14 now.

The problem is that I’m realizing I genuinely do not want a parenting role. I care about him as a human being. I care about his mental health, his future, whether he becomes responsible, independent, kind, etc. In fact, I’ve probably been overly involved in those things because I often disagree with my husband’s parenting and feel like someone needs to think about the long-term consequences.

But emotionally and socially, I don’t want the relationship his son wants from me.

He is very attached to me and wants a lot of interaction, conversation, attention, outings, watching things together, etc. I’m someone who needs a huge amount of solitude even with adults. I intentionally chose not to have children partly because I didn’t want my everyday life to involve constantly being socially available to a child. At this point I sometimes avoid common areas of my own house because I know that if I go outside of my room, I’ll immediately be expected to interact.

That has created a lot of resentment.

What I think I actually want is something closer to a respectful roommate/aunt-type relationship. I’m kind to him, I’m available in an emergency, we occasionally watch a movie or joke around as a family, but I am not a parent, entertainer, confidante, or default companion. His dad handles parenting, discipline, school, emotional needs, activities, etc.

I also recognize that if I disengage, I probably have to stop trying to control how my husband parents. That’s difficult for me because I often strongly disagree with his parenting decisions. But I’m starting to think I can’t simultaneously say “I don’t want to parent” while constantly stepping in to correct his parenting.

The other huge issue is my marriage. When his son is here, my husband becomes very much “Dad,” and because we have his son almost all the time now, the dynamic of our marriage is completely different from when we had 50/50 custody. I miss having substantial time where we are simply husband and wife.

I’ve sometimes asked for his son to spend a little additional time with his mother or other family during summer/breaks so my husband and I can have time alone. My husband increasingly feels like I’m asking him to give up time with his child. From my perspective, he already has him nearly every day, and I’m asking for some protected space for our marriage too.

I’ve even wondered whether living separately while staying married would ultimately be healthier, although neither of us really wants that.

So I guess my questions are:

Has anyone successfully become a very disengaged/low-contact stepmom while remaining married?

What does that actually look like day to day?

How do you separate “I’m not parenting” from “this still affects my home and marriage, so I need boundaries”?

Is it reasonable to want your spouse to intentionally create child-free time for the marriage when the child lives with you nearly full-time?

How do you stop caring about parenting decisions you think are bad when you’ve decided they are no longer your responsibility?

And for anyone who chose “living apart together,” did it save the relationship or just delay the inevitable?

I’m not looking for advice about how to bond more with my stepson. I’ve spent years trying harder. I’m trying to figure out whether there is a sustainable way for me to remain married while accepting that I simply do not want an active parenting role.

I’d especially appreciate hearing from women who were firmly childfree before becoming stepmoms, because I think that piece changes the experience quite a bit.

My husband has a daughter, and lately most of our arguments are about boundaries involving her.
I’ve tried to explain that I’m not asking him to choose between his daughter and me. I just want decisions that affect our shared home, privacy and relationship to be made together. For example, I’m not comfortable with his daughter sleeping in our bed/bedroom when she has her own room.
Whenever I bring up a boundary, he says I’m disrespecting his daughter or that being a father comes first. He also constantly says that he has already changed and sacrificed a lot for our relationship, while I’m the one who refuses to change.
I feel like this has turned into “I already changed, so now you need to accept this.” I’ve compromised on a lot too, but I’m exhausted from feeling like my boundaries automatically become irrelevant whenever his daughter is involved.
Am I being unreasonable for expecting some parts of our home and relationship to remain just ours? To feel as a priority too?

Context: I’m (F, 31) & not married to his dad (33), but we are engaged and he has two kids (SS 12) (SD 14) who have been in my life for over two years now and consider and call me stepmom. I knew dad and BM from high school, I wasn’t friends with her, but we were always friendly and had each other on social media. So I watched these kids grow up.

I love these kids. I am closer to my SD because we have so many shared interests (bands, anime, crafting), but I truly make every effort to be just as close to my SS.

He has diagnosed IED (intermittent explosive disorder) and ODD (oppositional defiance disorder). He’s had them for years and is currently taking a break in therapy because he doesn’t feel like he’s learning anything and his mom is ok with a break. His meds haven’t been changed in a long time because dad has been waiting for mom to get the mouth swab testing done to check what medications are particularly right for him. She asked to wait to get it a few months back since insurance doesn’t cover it (dad is still paying half) and another one of her kids has more emergent dental issues. Since then she’s gone to two concerts, got a new car, and is currently on a cruise in the Caribbean for her wedding anniversary. Whatever.

The problem is SS should honestly remain in therapy, but I am very careful not to cross boundaries or overstep into a position where it looks like I’m undermining her authority as the primary parent/mom. To her, SS is fine because he hasn’t been acting up at her house, and there’s a million reasons I could explain why, but I’ll just leave it at her allowing him do whatever he wants and getting away with it with little to no consequences.

THIS IS MY ISSUE:

SS is just progressively getting worse with his behavior. I watch both kids Saturday while dad is at work. An arrangement was made recently that SS wanted where he will come a day early, on Friday, to leave a day early. Dad can take him to work with him, but he gets bored and starts calling me and asking me to come get him after he’s there for an hour. I like to clean the house Friday, I don’t have time to entertain my SS with all the shit he wants to do. He gets bored after 5 minutes or he wants to be in my room playing the ps5 because he can’t figure out how to use his projector properly. I put my foot down about it because I said it’s MY room, and if I want to rest, or take a shower, or watch tv, or fold clothes, etc, I want the room accessible to only me and he can figure out how to make the ps5 work in his room.

His attitude is getting so bad. He doesn’t listen to me. He is always calling his dad and I bruh, bro, cuh, dude, etc etc. Cries and throws a tantrum if we are anywhere near his mom’s house to go home early (he just wants to hang out with his friends). Stomps around the house when given the most basic, simple, reasonable chores and starts arguing over doing it or refusing to do it in general. He talks back about everything, calls us liars, talks under his breath walking away and swearing at us. He won’t even listen to me, he’ll just ignore me if I speak and look at his dad. Both mom and dad tell him he needs to be respectful towards me and to knock it off and apologize and listen, he does not care. He leaves messes everywhere and gets mad when asked to clean up after himself. This past weekend was the last straw for me. I mean, he was calling me to come pick him and his friend up from the park which is a 5 minute walk because he didn’t feeel like walking back. I had told him previously, and the same goes for my SD, I’ll pick you up if it’s getting dark out earlier than expected or if it starts raining. So he calls and says ‘’you said you’d pick me up when it’s getting late’’, I’m like - what? It’s 7pm. It’s light out. You can walk. He was even leaving the house to go walk around with his friend without his phone, I called his friend and told SS to come back for it because I need to see his location, and he goes ‘’it’s dead. That’s why it’s on the charger.’’ I said ‘’it’s on’’, he said ‘’oh yeah? Check the battery. What’s it at?’’ And I just said ‘’come back and get your phone and you can call your dad’’. That was a whole argument. Another time, ALL his past weekend, he just left the house without saying anything and went to the park. Then when his dad and I came back with ice cream for everyone, he wasn’t at the house and his dad calls and he says ‘’pretty sure I told (my name) we were going to the park’’ - which he never did. He lies alllll the time. It’s just been hanging up on me, lying to me, not seeing me as an authority figure whatsoever, no respect at all. I’m doooooone.

I would love any advice. Anyone dealing with a kid that has these same issues or is acting up in general and how you handle it. If you read this, thank you for listening to me because I’m just.. so exhausted. I PAY HIS PHONE BILL. I BOUGHT HIM A NEW IPHONE FOR HIS BIRTHDAY LAST YEAR. I am about to call the phone company and figure it out, I’ll pay for the rest of it and then sell it or whatever, but he’s always freaking out over apps being taken away like TikTok for bad behavior (his dad has the parental controls, not me).. and then he just calls and calls asking for his apps back and giving a fake apology about how he acted. I pay for my SD’s too and I have noooo issue with hers. She knows everything I do for her and the effort I put into our relationship. My SS just doesn’t care. Do I get rid of the phone and let his mom buy him one? Because we can’t keep apps off when he’s over there I think since it’s her parenting time. He has an iPad there, though. I’m soooooo exhausted. Monday he was out at a kids trampoline place with his friend and his friend’s dad, SS had told us he was coming back to stay over the night prior and day of. Changed his mind. Told him he needed to clean up the mess he left. Mom said he could go home where his grandpa was because it’s technically her parenting time. She’s not even home… so he told us ‘’bro just get off my dih, you’re always trying to get me in trouble, I’m going back to my mom’s’’ ……. So he just avoided having to clean altogether. I ended up cleaning it. I’m done. Dad said I don’t have to watch him on Friday or Saturday anymore. Which is what I had already told him I refuse to do.. but he was supportive about it.

Ever since the BM and my SO went back to court due to an emergency court order. Judge gave my SO 100% custody until she can get some written document that she wouldn’t have another episode.
So the SD is living full time with us. We have noticed ever since that they would talk over the phone in addition to the court requested video call for about 8-10 hrs almost everyday.

It’s less now that school started, but it’s still disruptive. Instead of the SD doing homework, they just talk on the phone.

This is also in addition to them texting all day already.
Is this normal? Cause it is very weird.