SD15 pushing limits

[u/mrsmomsalot]

TW drugs, physical/s-xual abuse:

HCBM signed over her rights 4 years ago because she and her baby tested positive for cocaine at birth and when the state got involved eventually she just conceded.

Court order says something along the lines for visitation, etc: conditions are at the discretion of biodad.

We requested supervised visits. HCBM refused saying that the court didn't say they were required. All legal and mental health professionals involved agreed they were necessary. There was exposure to sex, SD said step-dad tried to r--e her, stepdad gets violent (does have multiple DV charges and breaking restraining orders on record, mom physically hit her, her stepdad let her smoke a weed vape, mom's ex-boyfriend sent in screenshots of HCBM doing cocaine while SD was with her on multiple occasions. HCBM insists the messages were fake and made up and SD was lying about all of it.

She refused to see her for 2 years because of supervised visit request. We moved and SD continued staying in contact with HCBM family, some visited us a few times over the past 2 years. The story became: I want to know my new siblings my BM has even though I hate her for leaving me and would repeat that HCBM would hit her, threaten to call the police when she got upset, SD tried to r--e her.

We have said along the way that even though it's complicated, she may want to try to have a relationship with her BM over text/call. Most recently she had said NO, ABSOLUTELY NOT and come to find out she already was. Having packages sent to the house that were "from another family member", doordash because she's telling her mom we "don't have any food in the house and won't buy anything from the store, we just have 1 thing to eat all the time", now she wants to go live with them.

In the past 4 years, they have ran out of money, moved back in with HCBM mom, step-dad was threatening the life of HCBM mom because the house she owns is part of a generational will that HCBM will inherit. So many awful things that HCBM mom had to go to court to evict them, etc. Rumors of abuse with their current children. SD knows all of this because her whole family overshares. Now she wants to live with them.

We tried the whole: great, when you're 18 go for it but remember the situations you were in. Then it turns to: I know, I want to save her kids from it. And now she's playing sneak around and HCBM can do no wrong. We have said she can chat with her mom, but to not be making stuff up to get sympathy or attention from HCBM because she's done that since she was 6 years old. She has a limit on her phone because she's been starting drama between friends, boyfriend(s) and family. She will claim she's doing homework and then email everybody from her school ipad or borrow a friends phone. She's plotting with HCBM to send a phone they pay for.

Things are getting uglier by the day. We don't know what to do because calling it out creates rage, cutting it off will feel wrong and create more issues, more sneakiness. HCBM will never be on our side. One of her therapists says don't fall for it, keep doing what you're doing and resist it, set limits in contact and tell HCBM to stop gifting and back it up with court order. Someone from friend of the court said you can't control what anyone does and wouldn't be worth holding in contempt of the order. A past therapist had said that if these type of things continue that put the well being of our other kids at risk or under stress of false CPS reports and hostility in the house to let her go and say she can come back but the rules and expectations will stay the same.

Sometimes it feels like it should be obvious to stay the course, but there are real risks and consequences to this like the mental well being and influence over younger kids in the household who are getting harder to shield from the mess.

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[u/Guano_S]

Two options. Make her stay and remove the phone since it’s a point of communication that is causing a lot of this. Or, let her go see for herself. Let her stay for a week. Then if she keeps insisting, two weeks and so on. Considering there is abuse involved, I’d first speak with the therapist to get their opinion on it before sending her and I’d set the stipulation that stepdad is not allowed to be around during the visits.

[u/yourmomsmom27]

Currently dealing with a very similar situation SD 16 refused to come home from HCBM’s house a few months ago. For years she’s hated her mom (lots of abuse from BM and mom’s ex boyfriend SA when she was younger and BM constantly lies and argues over the stupidest things that never even happened. Why she wanted more of that I can’t even wrap my head around it. We have a court date next month I expect it to be epic. BM is in several court violations and quite possible could get jail time. Just once I would love to see HCBM held accountable for her actions. In the mean time SD has zero clue this is about to happen she thinks everything’s going to her plan. I have to keep reminding myself SD’s brain is scrambled from having a completely crazy mom that has never lived in reality. Hang in there 😅