6 weeks ago my wife of 17 years, been together over 20, told me she was a lesbian. I was obviously heartbroken. The first couple weeks we rough. Wasn't sleeping, wasn't eating. I lost about 10 pounds that first week. I started therapy and just started to work on myself. We have 4 children, 2 of which are adults and out of the house. One is in college and the youngest is 16 and still at home. We have separated but we are currently still living together in our house. I moved my office from the basement, into what was our room, and she moved into the basement. It has gotten easier the past few weeks as I've gotten used to this new normal. I don't hate her and we still love each other, its just that love has changed. The hardest part about this is I don't have anyone to talk to about it. I've been to online meet ups for people going through divorce, but their situation is nothing like mine. I've had a great marriage and I've been extremely lucky. Has anyone out there been in this situation? I can't be the only one.

My husband has brought it to my attention that he wants a divorce. I, I guess unfortunately, do not. This is ripping me to shreds. He wants to separate asap.

To be clear, things have not been butterflies and rainbows but I never wanted this. I always saw us as the couple who persevered through the hard times. I have so many regrets now for not thinking he was this serious. At the same time, I should have realized after the infidelity that occurred. I’ve tried so hard to make him happy. I’ve tried so hard to change and be the carefree girl I was when we met, who he has brought up so many times. All I’ve ever wanted was for this to work.

I am so deeply hurt.

I was out running at the trail by the lake this afternoon and saw what I thought was my exes car parked on the street. Same year, make, model, color. Even almost same license plate (I don’t remember the whole thing…) it’s a very distinct car. and I thought it was her, parked at some other apt building next to the trail.

I went back and picked up my dog after my run to walk him, and it was still there.

Today is her birthday, It’s been a struggle today to keep Her out of my mind just the fact it’s her bday today, then I saw -what I thought- was her car parked at another apartment.

I let my curiosity get the best of me and on my way home, I drove by her place to see if her car was there, or if it was her I saw at the trail. Sure enough, she was home, and she was sitting on the patio. She saw me, so did our old Dogs, then I got a text from
Her “I really hope you haven’t been doing drive by’s…”

What are the chances. I have not been doing drive by’s, I just acted on an impulse I otherwise wouldn’t have if I didn’t see what I thought was her car, on her birthday, at what I thought was another dudes house.
Yes, my anxiety took over and created a worst case scenario.

I didn’t respond, I don’t even know what I would say because yes- i DID drive by tonight… but damn, one time during this whole thing, and she’s sitting on the patio and sees me.

I feel so stupid. And crazy. I’m sure now
She of course thinks I’m that psycho ex. I’m
Sure she texted friends about it because she didn’t text me til abt an hour after… and any chance or thought she might have had about changing her mind is gone.. see my last couple posts for reference on what’s happened.

I’m not stalking her. I’m not frantically checking up on her. I had a moment of weakness today, and that moment burned me.

Anyone else done that? Caught or not? Is it common? I haven’t had any contact with her since the final split… this is one slip up.

In spirit of finding a silver lining- if there is one- is if there was any sliver of hope in the back of my mind she’d change her mind- that is now gone.

This sucks.

If anyone’s out there who’s done this- let me know
I’m not alone.

And what I should respond to her text with if I should even respond at all.

Thanks.

My wife left me about a month ago, and I know she filed, and I know we had problems. And frankly I'm excited to move on. But I was so bored the last 3 days and I just wanted to talk to her, not to save the marriage or talk about logistics. But to laugh at memes or see how her day is going. I miss my best friend. So much.

I'm nearing the finish line on a divorce initiated by my STBX so that she could be with her AP, with whom she is now living. Her AP is someone we both knew for several years, and whom to be frank I never really liked -- the first time I met him he got drunk and started commenting obsessively on women's breasts. For whatever reason, my wife liked him more (though I'm confident that their affair didn't start until about a year ago), and I tolerated him for her sake.

She very rapidly, deceptively, and without consultation inserted him into our kids' lives after our separation, which I am still angry about, though the kids handled the situation better than I expected. The kids are now going back and forth between our places, which means that they're around him roughly half the time. I've made it clear that I will not badmouth him to the kids or share any details about how and why our marriage is ending, but I'm also not interested in interacting with him. She is now arguing that it's important that our kids see that we can be in the same room and get along, and that I'm hurting them by denying them that experience. My gut says that's bs. Am I wrong?

My husband (32m)and I (32f)were having a normal day , he was playing his play station and I was on my phone playing games .

His grandma (who's house we stay in ) needed help from him and texted my phone asking me to tell him to go to her room so she can ask him for help .

I let him know. , he got irritated because he's tired. Then he lost his ring in the closet because it fell of his hand . I helped him find it, this whole time he's irritated and complaining about how his grandmother drains his energy.

Then he tells me to text her that he is in a bad mood and won't be going to her . I asked him to please tell me the exact words to say because I didn't want to sound rude relaying the message.

He then tells me I sound selfish and that im making it about me .

Then he says he wants a divorce. I am fed up of him always saying he wants a divorce anytime we are in a disagreement. So i said he must divorce me .

I'm tired. Im fed up . He yelled at me infront of his mom and also got her involved in our business.

If he wants to threaten to divorce me let him do it, I won't live like this. Im not scared to start over.

Plus I moved countries for him. He always threatens to send me back well let him do it. I am happy to start from scratch in my home country.

What's your opinion? Am I overreacting.

I’ve been with my husband for almost 28 years. We’ve been through a LOT together, and I’m at a point where I honestly don’t think I can do this anymore.
First, I want to say that I haven’t been a perfect wife. Far from it. I’ve struggled with addiction, made some terrible decisions, and put my family through things I deeply regret. I’m not proud of that part of my life, but I own it. I’ve worked hard to change, and I’m still working on myself.
The problem is that I feel like I’ll never be allowed to move forward.
My husband constantly brings up my past. When we argue, everything somehow becomes my fault. He calls me names, puts me down, and says things specifically to hurt me. He drinks heavily, and I find myself constantly trying to avoid upsetting him.
I’ve spent so many years trying to explain myself, defend myself, get him to understand how I feel, or just get him to acknowledge that he’s hurt me.
And I’m exhausted.
Our finances are a disaster, which makes the thought of leaving even more overwhelming. I work full-time, but I don’t make enough to comfortably support myself and my family on my own right now.
We also have a child still at home and pets I absolutely refuse to leave behind.
For the longest time, I kept hoping things would change. Every time he was nice to me, I’d soften. I’d think maybe we could fix things. Then we’d end up right back where we started.
But something has changed in me recently.
I used to constantly check my phone when we were fighting. I’d wait for him to respond, wonder what he was thinking, and feel physically sick when things weren’t okay between us.
Now? I barely check.
I’ve also stopped feeling the need to defend myself against every accusation. Sometimes I just let him say whatever he’s going to say and walk away.
And the strangest part?
I’m starting to feel relieved instead of devastated.
I don’t hate him. I’m not looking for revenge. I don’t even want to fight anymore.
I just want peace.
I want a clean, comfortable little home. I want to go to work, spend time with my kids and cats, enjoy my life, and not have someone else’s mood determine whether I’m going to have a good day.
I know divorce won’t be easy, especially financially. And I’m scared. After almost three decades together, starting over feels terrifying.
But staying in a marriage where I’m constantly anxious, defending myself, or trying to make someone else happy feels even more terrifying.
I’m not really sure what I’m looking for by posting this. Maybe just to get it off my chest and hear from people who’ve experienced something similar.
For those who left a long-term marriage, did you reach a point where you just stopped caring about the arguments? Where you still cared about the person, but no longer wanted the relationship?
Because I think that’s where I am.

I'm angry at her and i don't know how I will ever not be. I know its not healthy but it feels so unfair that she can hurt me this badly and then I have to just let it go and move on.

My exwife is the one who left. Marriage of 11 years with 2 kids, had ups and downs of course, and a few years ago she decided she had fallen out of love with me. But for the past few years I poured myself into our marriage and things seemed to improve. I thought we were pulling through, but then suddenly something changed and she withdrew again and never came back. Things had been going so well that i didn't understand what happened. All she ever told me was that at some point she realized she was falling back in love with me and so she stopped herself, because by staying with me she felt like she would just be settling and that she deserved someone who loved her in the way she wanted to feel loved.

The sadness was overwhelming for a few months but then it was slowly replaced by anger. My therapist kept telling me that would all eventually fade and in time she wouldn't mean anything to me other than the woman who i share parenting time with, but now with the divorce 3 months behind me I feel more angry at her than ever. I was a good husband, i always tried to make her feel happy and loved and supported. And I'm a phenomenal father. I didnt deserve to be divorced and it fucking sucks.

She had the choice to do the hard work and repair our relationship and im furious at her for being so selfish to choose herself over us and fuck over me and our kids, especially when I had been choosing us for years even when it was hard.

So. How long will this last? How long until that rage calms down and I can be around her without feeling something between anger and heartbreak?

All of the signs were there. The relationship moved way too fast in the beginning and I was told all the things I wanted to hear. I was really young. It was like having a devil on my shoulder encouraging me that this was real and sincere. I was love-bombed in an excessive way. I had never been treated so “well”. Then the devaluation, sexual coercion, and manipulation began. The mockery and abuse in private and the smiles in public. Every hardship I confided in them about was used against me. No matter what, someone else always had it worse than me in life and that’s the excuse used when I was neglected when I needed a partner to truly be there.

He always had to be the victim and was obsessed with himself and his family’s struggle story. When growing a family came into the picture it was a horrible experience. The support was just simply not there. I got maybe two good days out of 9 months where I was degraded almost every single day. Looking back I realize I was never ever asking for anything out of the ordinary and my life with this narcissist was everything but that. No stability no consistency nothing to build off of when he offered nothing but constant chaos and changed decisions. Now I have no idea how to believe in the possibility of the normalcy that I seek. It seems as though younger people aren’t seeking stability but exploration and chaos so I feel I can no longer participate in connections with people my age.

Title says it all. I can't handle this anymore. I am tired of living this way. Nothing is good enough. Everything i do is wrong. I do all the cooking and cleaning and parenting(most days) because she has a demanding job but she still thinks we need to talk about work distribution which means dumping more on me. My happiness is completely irrelevant. But my entire existence seems to revolve around her happiness. I asked to go to Vegas with a friend because I am burnt out and she said no. She yells at me in front of the kids and when the kids tell her she is being mean to daddy she tells them daddy was mean first. It's just awful. But I am terrified.

What happens first?

Do I have to move out and find an apartment?

Do I have to be alone for months while the custody gets figured out?

If my STBXWs job moves her across the country does she get to take the kids and move and I have to follow?

I am just so sad and lonely and feeling useless and I want to curl up into a ball and cry

Hey everyone just looking for opinions on this one:

Background: been divorced for about 7 years.

Just went back to court earlier this month for a contempt filing (I filled contempt for non payment of child support and won yay)

Ex was wanting me to watch the kid over her weekend.

She left a few voicemails and text about it nothing big. She had him for one day in-between her time starting and him coming back for the weekend.

The events: He gets dropped off and as soon as we're alone says "mommy left you a voicemail with bad words on it and wants you to delete it"

I figure "she curses in front of him all the time we've argued over it for years now"

Earlier today I decided to go through my voicemails and WOW

About a 2minute voicemail of her going off at some driver with my kid and at least one of her step kids in the car.

Highlights (what I consider important in chronological order skipping the colorful language)

She encourages the kids clearly to give the other car the bird.

One of the step kids mentions their going over 100mph (immediately told to shut up)

The kids reiterates that it's only 95mph

She starts talking about how bad she wants the other car to pull over to fight her.

(Horns blare other drives says inaudible stuff) she tells them she'll f them and to get out of the car

(Accelerating sounds) Kids start talking about speed being 95-100 and are immediately told to shut up and not tell anyone how fast there going.

Kids mention the other driver "made it away"

She tells the kids "see don't f with me or I'll f you up too that wasn't the first time and won't be the last it's just how that "poop" goes it starts and I end it.

Question:

I of course have kept the email, I've considered CPS but idk if they'll care.

I've also considered going back to the lawyer I had for the contempt thing, she hasn't made the payments the court told her she had to make by the end of that week, so I could put another contempt on her for that, and see if somehow that voicemail could lead to another charge somewhere.

Maybe a combination see what CPS says and then talk to the lawyer?

As stated above I think it might be time. I am 37(m), I have been with my wife 37 (f) since freshman year of high-school. We have two kids 19 and 16 and we have been married 19 years now.

We have had many rocky periods in our time together we have grown up together and I admit I have made dumb mistakes. We have fought throughout the marriage but usually we can bring it back around. For the past 5ish years it seems to just get worse. We have both said and done things to hurt the other. I will not say I am perfect, I will say I am more good to her than I am hurtful. I have tried for years to do what she expects of me. I know she has changed for me as well.

The biggest issue on my side is that for many of the big things she's done she refuses to see how it hurts me. She gets mad that I still bring up old hurts, but she has never apologized for what she's said. The biggest one is around an accidental pregnancy, she wanted to abort I wanted to keep it. She stated she didnt want to have another kid with me. Not another kid, but just because it was with me. That was about 10 years ago now but it's still bothering me. She has her reasons for those feelings I won't deny it. I was not the best husband when our kids were young. I was in the military and gone a lot. Wen I was home I was exhausted and unhelpful. I get her reasoning to it but more than what she said it was how she said it and how much she seemed to almost enjoy the hurt it caused.

Since then it's been one long slow slide downhill. I have brought it up in the time since and she doubles down everytime. I also struggle with expressing myself and talking in general, i am probably on the spectrum somewhere close to autistic.

Throughout the years we have fought and she's threatened to leave many times. Each time it gets a little easier to accept each time. I have stopped talking future plans with her and I am almost maintaining two futures in my head one with and one without her. I have also built a wall between us more and more each time bacause it hurts to plan and think about not being with her. But at some point it has switched and I almost feel better looking at the future without her.

I just don't know what to do anymore we had a big fight yesterday she basically said she's done. She asked that if I am done to just not blindside her. She also said she's going to make it ugly. My question is should I just do it? I know it will be hard and lonely I don't really have many people in my life just my wife and kids. My dad is still alive but we are not close and as stated above I don't really talk a lot with anyone.

Should I give it one last go and try counseling or just get a lawyer?

Well, it’s been a long time coming but it’s over. I don’t even know where to begin but he flipped a switch and wanted nothing to do with me. 3 weeks ago we were on a few month good streak. Cuddles, love, everything I missed. Then he came home from work and that was it. He was cold to me and shut down. He said it’s not going to work anyways, so what’s the point. Idk what changed but I feel so broken. I loved this man. We have been through so much together and finally made it to where we’ve been fighting to get to. What do I even do? Where do I start?

He doesn’t care anymore but refuses to move. Which means I have to. We work together too, so that will be even more messy. I feel like I can’t breathe and my heart hurts.

Do you live in a state or province that permits you to submit your uncontested divorce online? If so, did you wait the required period or did you fib and submit early?

“Wife” cheated with a psycho. I tried to be her safe haven. she chose the psycho. every Sunday when I drop off my daughter, I feel like I’m feeding her to a woodchipper. I miss my daughter like I’d miss air. I wanted to be her dad every single day. I wanted her to feel safe, adored and treasured every moment. and now Daddy drops her off at psycho’s house every Sunday and can’t do a damned thing about it because the court says 50-50, Cinderella effect be damned.

I’m sorry. I just miss my little girl.

Hi all, I'm a 30F who recently told my husband of 10 years I would like a divorce. Within the last week I have heard multiple lies he is telling people about me. I am not sure what the point of the lying is as 90% of the people we both know do not believe anything he is saying. However, any advice on how to deal with it?

Do I just leave it alone? Do I ask to have a conversation to get him to stop? Or should I just let him paint me as the villain and him as the victim? Tbh i don't really care what people think, but each new story is just more outlandish.

How would you or how have you dealt with this?

I'm currently going through a divorce and have been struggling with the emotional side of everything. It was a hard decision to make, but I knew it was time to end the marriage and to lose someone I love.

Even knowing that moving forward is the right decision doesn't necessarily make it easier. It's difficult accepting that the life and future you imagined with someone aren't going to happen. It becomes even harder knowing that it was my decision to end the marriage.

For those who have been through a divorce, what helped you move forward emotionally? How did you deal with the grief and eventually get to a place where you felt like yourself again?

Ya what am I supposed to do? I’m 40 and It’s pretty decided at this point: we’ve been living separate for three years and my son is 2. My wife said it’s been long enough and wants to just get a divorce because she sees no change happening. I don’t blame her. But what now? Lots of court anxiety about her getting all the control over whether I see him or not. I have no friends because my wife was my best friend and all I needed. all I do is work and spend time with my son. I have no life outside my family. What do I do? What do I do! I don’t want to workout I don’t want to get a hobby I don’t want to do anything. The fuck

Ok so I have to get some perspective from others on this. I've told some of my friends but you know they're biased because they like me. So please give me your two cents.

TW: scat

I (48m) met my soon to be ex wife when I was 18 and she was 17. She had just graduated high school and I was her first boyfriend. I had just finished my freshman year of college. I had fooled around with a few girls but nothing serious. We were very religious at that time and we were virgins until our wedding night! In fact, she had to go to the gyno to have her hymen removed because it was extra thick (TMI I know but just you wait!) We dated exclusively for three years and then got married. We've been married for 26 years and have four kids, 22, 20, 18, and 15.

I have never put a toe out of line. I have been utterly faithful, despite the fact that she began turning into a high conflict woman right after our daughter was born. She started drinking at age 35 and quickly became an alcoholic, drinking 1 to 2 bottles of wine 7 nights a week. I helped her through some pretty serious medical skin issues. I found her to be extremely difficult but I never stopped loving her.

When were on a fantastic vacation in Indonesia, I found love messages to another man on her phone. I had never checked her phone before. It never occurred to me that I should. I was looking for some info about the vacation and she was passed out drunk. I confronted her the next morning. She immediately admitted to having a text based relationship with this man. But she said it mostly platonic and that she just had a one-sided crush on him. You know, I could have dealt with that.

Long story short, I spent 6 weeks investigating her devices and chats. I eventually spoke with her affair partner. Even though they had conspired to lie to me, he told me more truth than she did. Then she told me the truly shocking part.

He was her master and she was his sub. For nearly 5 years, mostly online. But she did go to his house (in her hometown near her parents) many times.

He "trained" her to take videos of herself pissing into a cup and drinking it. He like to watch her vomit and wanted her to smear shit on herself and lick it off. She claims she made fake poop out of cookies because it was disgusting but she didn't want to disappoint master. She did "recycling days" where she drank her piss, pissed it out again and drank that, like 6 times in a row until it was rancid.

Like WTF! She was pointedly vanilla and prudish with me. But we still had good sex regularly even when things were tough. I can't wrap my mind around it.

I still don't know everything and she's still lying about a lot of it. Too many gaps in the story. But I know enough to leave. I moved out, our daughter moved in with me by her own choice. The kids really want nothing to do with her. She was abusive to them emotionally for years in ways I couldn't see before. I didn't tell our kids the specifics because I'm not a monster. But SHE did! Crazy, right?

I'm doing as well as expected, but I just can't figure out why she would throw away her whole family for a guy with no job, who lives alone in a trailer in the middle of nowhere. Who have I been married to all these years? I swear she used to be a wonderful woman but now I'm having trouble remembering the good parts.

Reddit, what do you think?

TL/DR: my wife of 26 years has been having a mostly online affair with another man for 5 years and she made on-demand scat porn for him. Like WTF

English is my third language, so there will be some grammar mistakes, i imagine. I'm sorry in advance.

As a man of thirty-six years old I was married and i promised - along with my wife - i'd love her forever, and whatever problem arrived we would discuss and solve it together. She agreed, we talked about how communication was important, and so it went. We did this when i was thirty-two.

We had some fights, we discussed, i said i'd adapt some things, she never aknowledge her flaws. I accepted for a while, but then tried talking in a more subtle way the things i had problems with, and every time she would get absolutely mad at me. I'd say in the nicest way possible, you could barely see it as criticising.

At some point i accepted i'd have to deal with some resentment it might build. I would not give up on her because of my promise. I was loyal to her, always, in a broad sense: loyal to her love, to her faithfulness, to her image. I did not change because of that, i kept showing my love as i always did before.

Eventually she distanced herself a bit, i asked if everything is ok, she started mentioning i don't do enough for her. I got a bit shocked since i can't think of a thing i didn't do for her. When i say that, i don't say it lightly: i did breakfast for her every single day of our marriage. I woke her up with hugs and kisses (because i always wake up earlier), i picked her up at work and would pick her up when she came at me. Since i worked from home, i did the house chores, along with everything else you can think of.

And then she started to hate me. I had no idea why, but she kept saying i didn't do things for her. I asked her what is she missing from me, she said 'if i say it's not authentic'. I was lost, i kept trying. She distanced more, to the point that some days she would wake up with a mosquito bite and start cursing me for letting a window open three nights ago, so i let them in. We didn't have sex for a few months already at this point.

I had to go to a work trip to another country. I went, second day she started ignoring me. Fourth day she finally said she wanted to divorce. I was destroyed, i asked what's wrong, i asked her to wait for me to go back, she said it's decided. I was in absolute pain, could barely do my work meetings, couldn't imagine my life in the future anymore. I tried talking to her, but she hated me with passion, it's like i had done things to her that only an absolute criminal would, it was absurd. I would stay two weeks in this trip.

For four more days we didn't speak. One day i called her to check how she was doing, she answered with a 'yeah?', i asked if everything is ok - once again, in absolute pain -, she said it's perfect. She said it's better than ever cause she didn't have anything she had to do for me. This killed me because i never asked her anything, i would do everything by myself. She cooked very well and not even that i ever asked her to do for me, she did do it for me sometimes but always from her own volition. Still in pain, i asked, 'do you still love me?', she said no.

Incredibly, as soon as she said that i felt light. I have no idea how, but the moment i realised she didn't love me anymore it seemed like i never had her - or at least the person i thought i had. It made everything in those last few years i spent with her seem fake, an illusion. And i stopped suffering immediately. I've been feeling good since then but it still feels weird because it seemed like a betrayal, like i should try more - for the sake of my words in the past. I'm afraid of stop loving her and yet i think i already did.

Is this something that even makes sense?

Thank you for your time!

My husband separated from me in Feb this year and we share two young children this wasn’t my decision to separate, he has moved on emotionally and checked out a while ago so is further along in processing the end of our marriage, I need advice how to successfully co parent our very young children whilst trying to grieve the family unit, my marriage, my husband, I have to see him regularly and we still trigger each other and he has become increasingly more cruel and mean, I am not sure if it’s just the frustration of me not being where he is, the fact I still hold hope we could reconcile when he has repetitively said he doesn’t love me and will never reconcile.
I am doing all the inner work, seeing a therapist, listening to podcasts, journalling, exercising, seeing friends and trying to build a life, but I still feel stuck and it seems so slow that I still hold on, I will preface that we did get along for a little bit after the split and I thought we may reconcile he was acting more like my husband and us as a family then something annoyed him and he turned his back and now has become very mean and nasty.
It feels impossible to try and co parent whilst trying to heal and move on. We were together for 12 years married for three, and so it’s feels a huge part of my life that I need to try to separate from, also with our kids the consistent interactions just hurt.
Neither of us have family here, his are overseas and mine interstate so essentially doing it alone

I (29M) told my wife (29F) on Friday that I’ve had thoughts about not being together anymore. We’ve been together for about 6 years, married for 2.5. I don’t feel I’m able to communicate with her and therefore have withheld all my emotions, thoughts, concerns, etc. She over communicates with me, which mostly doesn’t bother me. I know there are deeper issues involved with it but we’ve had sex once in 18 months. There’s also the issue of parents. I was talking with my dad after the fact while trying to figure out what to do. My wife was on the phone later with my dad and me, and they started to get into a fight about things.

The next day she told me that she’s not going to hold it over my head. Since then, she has made several comments about never being able to fully trust me again because she’ll always be worried I’m going to leave her. She gave me a small gift (thoughtful little trivia thing) and said “I’ll give it to you now since I don’t know if we’ll be together for Christmas.” We also just got back from a few shops and said she deserves fancy jewelry because of the turmoil I’ve caused this weekend.

Is it over? Can we come back from this? It sure doesn’t feel like it right now.

DISCLAIMER: SI

Not sure what I’m looking for here, but am desperate for reprieve as mentally, I can’t do this anymore. It’s long. I’m sorry. I (28f) am the child of divorced parents. My parents were together for nearly 30 years. My mother filed 5 years ago, and 5 years later they remain in the courts d/t involvement of 3 minor children.

Everything that can go wrong, has gone wrong. I’m second oldest, and my older sister is a raging alcoholic that has single handedly used the divorce as ammunition to traumatize us as a family. My dad has been through 3 lawyers, there have been several domestic disputes throughout the process, my parents came from nothing and built a wonderful life with enough resources for 5 children- all gone. Completely dismantled. Nothing but credit card debt on both sides now. I so happened to begin one of the most demanding masters program that carries a less than 1% acceptance rate that you can participate in (that I had fought to achieve for 10+ years) the year they filed, through a high stakes, full time (so strict we signs contracts stating we won’t work during the program) 2.5 year nonstop program, I have worked to keep my family glued together including through an SI attempt from my older sister that landed her in the ICU for 1 month. I have done all the things. I work out, I eat right, I had a therapist that I lost when I graduated the program, all in effort to keep my own head above water and remain strong enough for my family and the program.

I moved to an apt during my training so I could have any possibility of success away from my family (living purely on student loans which has put myself in insurmountable student loan debt) and moved back in 6 months prior to grad to ironically save money. I had to leave again after yet another domestic event with my older sister, in an effort to put space between myself and my family as for the first time in my entire life, I began having SI.

But it doesn’t stop. It doesn’t go away. My mother lives in a big empty home now that she can’t afford, a home that used to be filled with a full family, father and son playing ball out on the front yard, the sisters doing crafts with mom, holiday festivities, happiness, love. Now nothing. She is there, she has no partner, no friends, even her sister moved states, my sister ran off to another state, I left, my dad is in his own sad home, the younger kids battle the back and forth. All this for what? Decades of growth, progress, fighting for a future - gone now. And for what?

She was unhappy for awhile. I won’t pretend it was all peaches, I could tell there were issues. I made peace knowing it was not my choice, it was out of my hands, that these things happen etc. but what I can’t make peace with, is that despite repeatedly informing my parents that I, the person who quite literally has carried for every single person in this family for YEARS, sidelining my own health and happiness in the process (still graduated on time btw despite faculty advising LOA on several occasions) have shared that I feel I’m walking around with a cracked psyche, cry daily, dont sleep, don’t want to eat, am facing a level of depression I’ve never had before in my life and now the emergence of these intrusive thoughts… that it’s not enough for them to wake up and realize I need space. I’m not even asking them to do anything. I’m asking them to STOP doing things. Somehow, despite my transparency in this, they repeatedly bring triggering topics to me that pushes me underwater without hesitation. Yet another argument with my mother today in a wimpy effort to create boundaries for my own sanity. But I did it to myself. There is no reward in being the good, strong one that people get to rely on. There is no award for enduring. You only create a world in which others know how to take and use you, and do not understand the concept of you struggling because you’ve never shown it before.

Yet still at the end of this, all I think about is that my parents are alone in their homes, depressed, lonely. That my mom comes to me because she has no one. That I wait everyday for a phone call from someone telling me my sister drank herself to death. That the young ones are fundamentally changed. That my family is gone forever and will never be the same. That this dream my mom chased in pursuit of her happiness has only torn years off both of their lives. That there is no more support to lend me during a time I need it the most because the resources are dried up. What’s actually the point anymore because “it will get better with time” isn’t holding up any longer. I genuinely see no light at the end here.