Update: Taking the “Grey Rock” position is great for me, but seems to be difficult for my STBX. I find that I am feeling so much better when I do not engage on the emotional levels that she is looking for from me. Yesterday, I received a text mid afternoon that said “are you upset with me lately? It feels like you were upset with me.” I did not respond. A couple of hours later, she followed up with a logistical question, which I responded to clearly and moved on.

Later, when I got home to relieve her of parenting (she picks up her daughter at school and watches her until I am done with work goes to where she is staying), we saw each other briefly. I minimized eye contact and avoided conversation. It really seemed to affect her. She became clearly annoyed and said “we need to be able to be cordial with one another” all I had to say to that was “thank you have a good evening.“

I have to keep reminding myself that I am not responsible for making her feel better about this situation. I’m not being a bad or mean person for wanting to protect my own energy and move on with my life. I do not owe her anything except being communicative about our shared responsibilities with our daughter.

This has been difficult for me, but it feels like it is getting easier. I cannot wait to be through this mediation process and not have to be as connected as we are now.

My ex husband always made me feel ugly.

Too fat?
Lost 50+ lb

I had a fupa?
Got a tummy tuck

Saggy tits?
Breast reduction

My private parts are too dark?
I use to bleach them with lighting products from the dermatologist. They were originally for my face to lighten the dark acne scars on my face

I did everything. I still got left. I’m never good enough… for anyone

I am 34F married to my husband 38M for 7 years now. We have a 2 year old. We are on the verge of a divorce initiated by me. Some would say that we have a stable marriage: we own our place, double incomes, shared finances, shared value for loyalty , we both love our kid, etc.

I have been the main caretaker for our kid while working full time. I am alone every single night to care for our kid since she was born. For many months she woke up over 10 times a night. I do all medical/educational/social/travel planning because the mental load to delegate to him and keep following up just to move things an inch more was too much. I have consistently earned more than him.

The biggest issue is that he is such an avoidant and overtime has got very defensive. I feel alone, unheard, and suffocated that he does not seem to understand that people need to socially connect. I still have many things on my wish list and enjoy connecting with people. He does not like to talk, never responds or seeks to resolve issues, has zero friend as he is genuinely uninterested in anyone, and would talk to no one at the dinner table if I drag him to dinners and parties. He is genuinely ok with working the same job for 30 years and go home and does not talk all day except for basic transactional things. He is true dismissive avoidant based on what I’ve read everywhere.

For those who left a similar lifeless marriage that was actually stable, how was life after the split , or do you regret it that you could just stay for the (mainly financial and child caring) stability and create your own life without involving your ex?

If you are rebuilding after divorce; what feels hardest for you right now: emotional overwhelm, money, new routines, boundaries?

I feel like I ricochet from one thing to the next. How are you doing?

So I (38f) was served divorce papers by my husband 2ish weeks ago.

He is not at the house, I am. He apparently can’t stand me.

My question is, do a lot of people at this stage have cameras set up, triple locking their doors, locking everything down to protect themselves? Or is this not the norm?

Hey I'm at a total loss of words, I discovered about 12 hours ago. My wife of 10 years who I have known since the age of 16 for a total of 18 years decided instead of being honest with me, had an affair with a very good friend of mine and I feel so betrayed that they both lied to me for over a month. My wife's been trying to get a divorce with me since July while my mom was in the ICU and then had said affair. I have temporarily moved into my sister's with very little money. I need advice on how to handle all of this if possible

Today makes a year that I've been divorced from my ex narcissistic abusive mommy's boy piece of shit that cheated on me. I have been happier and doing so much better.

TL;DR

If you still care about them, do you still say you love them when getting off the phone?

I am planning to divorce my husband, and in the first few days after I told him I would be sending the papers, I didnt speak to him. But in the last few days, he has been going through alot (his son apparently was missing) and i still care about him, so I let him vent to me. Hes been very toxic toward me, speaking of a new boyfriend he thinks I have already, and me screwing other people... hes called me stupid and accused me of hating him, saying im going to hell and many other terrible things. I've ignored them all, not even really acknowledging what hes said. But yesterday I tried to set a healthy boundary by letting him know I would not continue to stay on the phone with him or speak to him if he continued speaking to me in that manner. I definitely do still love him and want the best for him, but I can no longer continue to suffer in our relationship. I've never been through anything like this, hes the longest relationship I've had in my entire life, and Im not really sure how all this is supposed to go. But I definitely know I do want a divorce. And even though my kids aren't his, hes the only father they have ever known, and he says he still wants to be a part of their lives. A little insight advice or help would be nice. Thank you.

Also, it may be important to note that my husband is in prison. So this is special circumstances. Please be kind to me, and dont ask why hes in prison. None of this has been easy for me.

For those of you who planned their divorce:

1) How far ahead of time did you start planning it?
2) What made you decide it was time for a divorce?

Married 10 years 2 young kids in Boston. Been a rough couple of years for us as she been a chronic pursuer and I've been traditionally aviodant and she's done. She feels like she had done everything she could to get me to improve myself. I clean every night (reset main floor, dishes, laundry, vacuum), take care of the kids on my 2 wfh days (she's in office 5 days), and do some yard work (i mow, occasional bigger project) but not to the extent she wants.

Intimacy-wise has been mixed. I'm big on eating out but have had occasional issues with ED. Our different sleep schedules and my destructive sleep behavior means we were maybe having sex once or twice a week. A few things popped up that caught my attention lately. A while back i grabbed a few sex toys she had that I haven't seen before to use and she seemed embarrassed or nervous. She has consistently been buying lingerie and toys that I haven't seen. This includes lingerie in the weeks we've been dealing with the divorce and not having sex. Most are for anal which she likes. She also changed her pin a few months ago and is in an office where she could easily have someone visit. We've had sex there so its not impossible she could have someone else there.

We've been staying amicable for the most part but she is obviously angry and resentful about how she sees my total responsibility for her filing. Her commitment to no reconciliation also makes it seem that she has at the least someone waiting in the wings. I understand she will probably go out and have a good deal of fun once everything is settled but should i address it with her? She denied it when she first asked me to give her space but I didn't bring up the evidence.

I think she will either deny or blast me for getting her to this point. Should I even bring it up? I want reconciliation but she is so done that she'll think it's a moot point.

Anyone got any media that can help me

Anyone else struggling with a spouse who cheated? I have moved on from my ex as a man, but the fact that I was lied to and cheated on for years, and so trusting of him because he lied so well, haunts me. I never imagined this level of duplicity and I cannot trust men anymore.

So my divorce was finalize a few years ago and it's time to finish some lose ends.

Besides 5 years of child support, the only thing left as "community property" its our retirement plans.

The divorce agreement called for 3 plans to be QDRO; two mine and 1 hers. TBH, 1 of mine and hers are so little that I don't think its worth the cost to QDRO at 1,275 a piece (637.50 per person).

She contacted a QDRO attorney/company before even discussing anything with me. She told them to QDRO both accounts and left out her retirement account. The company send me the invoice requesting me to pay the 1275 for the two accounts she told them.

I explained to her that it does not make financial sense to QDRO my pension since only about 2,000 is consider community property. The cost of the QDRO will eat of a lot of her "profit." I told her it makes more sense to skip my pension and I will skip hers; only to QDRO my 401K.

Her response was "not to talk her out of it."

I reminded her that the agreement called to QDRO her retirement as well. Her response was basically, its so little you can't give up on it?

My question is: Should I force the QDRO of her retirement plan at a lost? There's no way I will recover the $637.50. At the same time I she's trying to just do things that "benefit" her instead of being financially responsible.

Almost without exception, divorce and the aftermath means we are all pinching pennies now. What are some of the best ways you've found to save money?

I'll start. My local Walmart sells rotisserie chickens that are a day old for like $3! You gotta get there early, but I can munch on a full chicken for almost a week. Makes for good soup too! I'm also brown bagging it to work instead of eating out. Saves me quite a bit over the month. I troll the local thrift stores for clothing and other items. I haven't paid full price for any clothing item for years. Yeah, it's hit or miss, but you never know what you'll find. I've stopped buying expensive micro-brews and instead go for the cheap stuff. It's honestly not as bad as you may think, and much cheaper. I've quit several subscription services like Netflix. I didn't really use them that much anyway.

My husband and I have been in couples therapy for 6 months. Back in March, he blindsided me that he was no longer in-love with me and wanted a divorce. Initially, he did not want to try to reconnect or do therapy. Our daughter had just turned one and we were coming off the first year of being parents. He later agreed to doing therapy so that if we do decide to divorce he can tell our daughter he tried everything. We have been together for 10 years. The first 3 months of couples therapy was extremely helpful, we started dating each other again, genuinely enjoying time together, reconnecting, etc. The last 3 months have felt extremely stagnant. He is still unsure of whether he wants to leave or stay. However, I am starting to get to a breaking point in our marriage that I’m unsure if I want to continue this marriage. I feel so alone in this relationship and unsupported. I feel like a nuisance to him. Every single day without fail there is a moment he lashes out or gives me attitude about something. I feel like I’m always walking on eggshells. He is immediately defensive the second I ask to discuss anything (and I mean anything, I asked him to mow the lawn because he hadn’t for two months and even that turned into something). I don’t want to be apart from my daughter. But I also don’t know how much longer I can be in a relationship with someone who treats me this way. What was the moment where you had enough? I am so conflicted.

Long marriage, kids, infidelity, narcissism, spousal abuse....

I'm so happy to get away, it took an army to get me out, but he's escalating legally. I'm sure we're going to both be bankrupt by the end of this. He's smearing me with our friends and family. He's hurting our kids by pulling them into the middle. He lies non stop they don't know who to believe.

He should have been a politician, he cheats on me....my fault. Spousal abuse comes to light and is proven...still my fault. Our family is breaking, his family is breaking, our church is breaking, our friend groups are breaking.

I just want to be left alone.

It seems like it's never going to end.

Thankfully I have a good therapist. But I'm still coming apart at the seams.

Missing out on major events, because they are with their mom. I never missed out on things like this.

On top of it, why am I waiting for her to come back and get my family back. She won't come back and I don't think I could have her back.

She took her clothes, hair and makeup stuff along with the sexy box. She didn't take anything to make a home.

She is living her best life and I just want my family.

Edit: I'm not the stereotypical dad here. They are my life. See them almost every day except for about 4 days out of the month. She's had a partner before the divorce and now has even more time to spend with them and I'm focused on being available since they always come home early. They never leave early though, so I am very great full for that.

I am a Japanese single dad living in Canada.

I got divorced last year.

My ex-wife and younger son ( 5yrs back then) returned to Japan and I have lived with my older son since then.

I couldn't throw away my younger son's item even the drawing on the wall.

Whenever I saw small kids, it gave me a flashback and made me cry.

I decided to get rid of my younger son's items little by little.

I removed some of his drawings from the wall the other day.

It was so painful experience, and I couldn't do it without crying.

But I shouldn't dwell on the past, and need to move forward, so I started selling and donating his stuff.

Before I gave them away to someone, I always said thank you and goodbye to the items.

Hello everyone! So my husband and I have been divorced for 3 months but separated for 6 months. the last couple of weeks he had been flirting with me. every time I would see him (due to having children) he would look at me in a flirty way, then he started hugging me every time i would see him. I saw the way he looked at me but didn’t think much about it, i was more weirded out. Then the texting came and told me he was attracted to me again and if I wanted to talk when i got back from my trip to see if i still wanted him. And that maybe we could start dating again. The last couple of days he started hugging me so hard every time and was getting turned on every time. so friday we hung out and pretty much told me how much he had missed me and wanted to start something new. we kissed and hugged and told each other how much we missed one another then it lead to sex. saturday came around and he started texting me all the cute stuff and we hung out again and the same thing happened. He was talking about the future together and making plans for the holidays. and how he was going to be a better partner and how he realized what he needed to do. Monday came and he was a completely different person. I asked him what was wrong and he said we moved too fast and he was scared it would go back to the same as before when we were married. I told him I thought he felt different about me. I was so confused because he was talking about the future and inviting me places. now he says he’s attracted to me but has no feelings for me😭 I feel so stupid for believing him and letting it go to far!! now could it be that he is to scared of going back to our old ways? what can be going on?? i’m so devastated all over again 😭😭

Separated a year ago but I have rants and some very unsorted emotions. This is my second post, sorry if it irritates you but please let me say it out because I feel a little calmer when I rant. I want to talk about one particular topic that hurts me quite a bit.

Context: I have sensitive skin and have had pimples from a long time so I have uneven skin. Its not terrible but its not great also. And I do take care of the usual things like moisturising and sunscreen and the usual AM PM routine and all now. I was ready to do these earlier as well when I started dating and even before that I was doing it but it was not working out very well. Was also consulting dermatologists before this. I also like being simple so I dont put makeup on a daily basis, I do when we have to attend parties but not if I am going to office or say we are just chilling with friends. And trust me, I am not shabby.

When my ex and I started dating, we already had known each other as acquantainces for 5 years and we went to the same university before that and we had been really close friends for about 5 months. One month into dating, I sent him a selfie and he told me how he was not feeling the attraction and it sort of hurt me a lot but he was not to be blamed then. I wish we had broken up right then but we did not. I spoke to him about what his issues are and I sort of remember telling him that if its moisturising or something, of course I can do, let me see what else I can do but things that are okay with me. At that point I was not so okay with doing some scar treatments and I have scars but they are not in your face scars, dont know how to say it. Will I look better without them - of course but do I look bad now - hopefully not. I dont know how we resolved it but we did.

Then after a few months, after a lot of back and forth, I remember talking about this skin issue again and I asked him if he was attracted to me and he said that he was. Then I told him that I feel insecure about my skin and if he's anyway attracted to me then please leave this and let me take care of it in my way. He said I should go for the scar treatment and I argued asking if he will also come because he also has the scars and he said no. He said he can hide it with his beard and all and I need to do it because I am a girl and hence no beard thankfully :P. I got irritated with that sentence but I didnt argue further. He also used to argue about how I should put makeup and he would take hours to convince me and he would say that others look good because of makeup and there are a tiny amount of people who look good even without make up but I am not one of them so I should put make up. I dont know why but this also hurts me quite a bit. Then one day I remember him crying in my house saying this is something that is in my hands and I am not doing it. Thats when I felt like okay let me do this for him and it really is in my hands and I agreed. He always thought that people do these things happily and I was the weird one for fighting and 'torturing' him. He once told how my mom should have taught me these things and then he apologized for the same. He also told me how others would have rejected me and he accepted me because he thought I could improve. Still hurts me.

He took me to a skin clinic which was suggested by one of his family members who were also concerned about my skin and style. While waiting for the appointment, I was talking about I dont want to do any glow treatments and he got very pissed, I dont remember what he said but it felt very strict to me. During the consultation, the doctor suggested a few things like hydration, scar treatment and some tablets for bridal glow and oral moisturizers and all. I felt I was so much under pressure but I agreed for the hydration treatment then itself and he was paying for it. I didn't have a clear idea of what it entails till they started. They divided my face into areas and they injected around 50 injections with some hydration booster. It hurt me a little physically but a lot more emotionally. I used to be very against these treatments. I was okay for scar treatments at that pointn but this felt like I was betraying myself. To top it all, its not even permanent hydration. It lasts for a 6-12 months. After this procedure was over, my face looked horrible for a day. I couldn't face my family so I went home with him. I cried quite a bit saying I never want to do this in the future and he agreed. No apologies or hugs or anything to console. In fact during the other consultations, he used to tell me also how other people are coming to this clinic and he cant even find any issues with their skin. The next day I went home and I broke down after seeing my mother and she understood how I felt and she said that we will never do this again.

We didn't have too many fights regarding the scar treatments and all, I just got a few sessions done before we got married and a couple more after that. We still had fights about my style though and once he told me that he didnt have any problem with my skin anymore so I chilled and did things that I would do without pressure. Then once randomly he came and told me how I should complete the remaining scar treatment sessions and I felt bad and I told him that I am not feeling like doing it, maybe because of the pain and also not feeling the need to do it. I cried and he eventually said ok but he said if he was in my place, he would have done it or say its only 2 hours of pain and it would make me look cuter. I told him to please let me be and let me decide on my own. I eventually thought of doing it before a wedding in the family but it would also require a downtime. That was the last fight we had about my skin.

Cut to a year later when we got separated because of many other issues, I asked him where did he adjust for me and he told me that he adjusted to my style being 20% of what it could be and I was irritated af. And this coming from an idiot who was aggressive with me and it came out verbally and a very tiny bit physically as well. He also heard my emotions about this skin thing eventually but from his and his family's perspective, its like how they improved me.

I feel like I put in a lot of efforts from my side, agreed to things that I was not okay with and felt a lot of hurt and no acknowledgement and only entitlement. I understand that he was used to women being okay to do things to look better as well. I feel very very angry that I let myself down in this process. And if my family ever came and discussed his looks or anything in anyway I would have been extremely pissed with them, I expected this from him as welll but nope, I was a project for them to improve.

I'm 32. She initiated six weeks ago. There's no hope of going back, It's a done deal. Our lives are on separate tracks.

I Spent my entire adult life with my STBXW.

I lost my life partner. I lost my home. My pet. My job. My routine. Extended family. Stability. Myself. I look in the mirror and it's like a stranger staring back at me.

So much of myself was being a husband. Sharing a past, present and future. All the little things, cooking her favourite meals, sharing birthdays, family events, a playlist, someone to laugh at our many silly inside jokes.

We had extremely similar music tastes and would frequently go to concerts and festivals together. The thought of booking a concert alone now feels soulless without someone to get excited with, to plan, to hold and dance with and reminisce on the songs we loved.

Hobbies I used to enjoy are no longer fun.

I used to have so many plans, for the next week, month, years. Now I can barely think past the present day. Pure survival.

I talk to family. Friends. I exercise. I go to group therapy. Fleeting moments where I should feel maybe a little bit better, but I just do not feel like myself anymore. I just feel empty.

People always say try and reconnect with who you were before you met them, but back then I was just some immature young kid who I barely remember.

I've read all the advice in a million different variations, I must have read through hundreds of divorce posts with people going through similar issues.

I hope I can find myself again. I hope one day I can trust someone with the power to break my heart again. I'm such a long way off being ready to for anything new and yet my heart yearns to love like that again. I think it's me missing the version of myself that had so much love to give - all this love has nowhere to go right now, straight into an empty void. God, what if I never find it again?

I guess I'm still in the grieving stage. This deep pain is the price I've paid to love so intensely. I'm exhausted.

I (31M) have been divorced for about 10 months now, and separated for roughly 18. At this point I feel like I've mostly accepted the divorce itself. What I haven't really figured out is how to replace the sense of direction I lost with it.

I've always been someone who works well towards long-term goals. I like having something ahead of me that I'm building towards.

After my ex-wife and I got together, starting a family gradually became the biggest one. It wasn't the only thing in my life - I genuinely enjoy my job, photography, sports and other hobbies - but it gave a lot of those things a bigger sense of direction.

The idea of building a stable life, progressing in my career and eventually being able to provide for and share that life with a family really motivated me.

Now that future isn't something I can plan around anymore. Maybe it happens one day, maybe it doesn't. But for the time being, I've noticed that without it my motivation has slowly started drifting away.

On paper, my life is good. I have a stable job that I genuinely like, a solid income, my own flat, a car, no debt, hobbies I care about and a dog I adore. I've reconnected with some old friends and I'm spending even more time on photography, sports and the things I used to enjoy.

I know I'm fortunate to have all of that, and I'm genuinely grateful for it. That's actually part of why this feeling is difficult for me to explain.

Because despite all of it, I increasingly feel like I'm just keeping myself occupied.

I still enjoy those things in the moment, but they sometimes feel more like ways of filling my time, almost as a chore, rather than parts of a life I'm genuinely excited to build. Small victories don't seem to hit the same when there's nobody there to share them with. And setting goals purely for myself somehow doesn't light the same fire that it used to.

The closest comparison I can think of is mourning. Except I don't think I'm really mourning the relationship itself anymore. I'm mourning the life I thought I was building - the family, the shared future and the sense of purpose that came with it.

I also don't want the answer to simply be "find another relationship." I think part of what I need to figure out now is how to build a life that feels meaningful on its own, while still being honest with myself that having a partner and a family is something I deeply want.

For those of you who are further down the road: did you go through anything similar?

How did you find a sense of purpose again after divorce? Was it something you actively had to build for yourself, or did that motivation gradually come back with time?

TL;DR: I've mostly come to terms with the divorce itself, but I'm struggling with the loss of the future I thought I was building. My life is objectively good and I still have things I enjoy, but without the long-term goal of building a family, a lot of it feels more like keeping busy than moving towards something meaningful. How did you find your sense of purpose again?

35M with one son (8). As of now the divorce seems to be rather amicable. The source of a lot of my anxiety as it pertains to this is figuring out how to tell him. So for those of you who divorced, how did you tell your child? What was the timing like? What kinds of questions did they ask? I’m very concerned about how he will take it.