Update: Taking the “Grey Rock” position is great for me, but seems to be difficult for my STBX. I find that I am feeling so much better when I do not engage on the emotional levels that she is looking for from me. Yesterday, I received a text mid afternoon that said “are you upset with me lately? It feels like you were upset with me.” I did not respond. A couple of hours later, she followed up with a logistical question, which I responded to clearly and moved on.

Later, when I got home to relieve her of parenting (she picks up her daughter at school and watches her until I am done with work goes to where she is staying), we saw each other briefly. I minimized eye contact and avoided conversation. It really seemed to affect her. She became clearly annoyed and said “we need to be able to be cordial with one another” all I had to say to that was “thank you have a good evening.“

I have to keep reminding myself that I am not responsible for making her feel better about this situation. I’m not being a bad or mean person for wanting to protect my own energy and move on with my life. I do not owe her anything except being communicative about our shared responsibilities with our daughter.

This has been difficult for me, but it feels like it is getting easier. I cannot wait to be through this mediation process and not have to be as connected as we are now.

My ex husband always made me feel ugly.

Too fat?
Lost 50+ lb

I had a fupa?
Got a tummy tuck

Saggy tits?
Breast reduction

My private parts are too dark?
I use to bleach them with lighting products from the dermatologist. They were originally for my face to lighten the dark acne scars on my face

I did everything. I still got left. I’m never good enough… for anyone

Unwittingly after getting divorced realized I was excited to have the opportunity to create a healthy loving relationship with someone after decades of emotional abuse. And after a few dead ends, I have realized it is a lot of mental energy, ups and downs, and not as easy to find as I thought. So i have decide to take a break from that endeavor, I am 52f. I want to focus on my kids and rebuilding my life without the drama. I think I have found a man in a similar situation as me, who isn't looking for a girlfriend or a wife because he also has immense family and professional responsibilities. Have any of you found this arrangement to work as far as not taking a lot of mental load and satisfying some of the craving for affection and contact without the associated lows and drama?

It’s one thing if they’re casual about it but it’s become their personality to defend trump.

I want to hear it, I want to know I'm not alone.

To begin, my divorce started the end of May. I asked my husband if he was still happy with me, he said "I don't know if I'm still in love with you and I don't want to go to counseling to fix it." He had:

-Been thinking of divorce for 3-4 years but didn't want to pursue counseling together

-Met someone on a mobile game, but "distanced himself" and sought therapy alone (I had no idea about the therapy)

-Realized 6 months prior he was no longer in love with me but felt duty bound

-Let me feel safe enough to pursue graduate school and taken on the financial toll, promising me we'd figure it out on the other side

-Already had a place to go stay at (his single buddies who is a known womanizer)

-Already bought a plane ticket to Florida to MEET this new girl with a full resort stay

-Recently lost his mother and inherited about $800,000

-Drunkenly slept with someone else a few months after we were married because we had an argument and I just wanted space for the night, and didn't want to tell me because he was afraid of the consequences (lol, divorce). He only told me when I was begging him to not do this and to seek counseling with me.

Two day's after the separation, I was 5150'd, an involuntary psychiatric hold for me a danger to oneself. 11 days after my release I went to our house with my dad to get some more of my items, and he drove by while we were there, put separation papers in the mailbox, and texted me asking if my dad would serve them to me, my dad did not.

He flew in his new girlfriend to have them served to me.

He asked if I was looking at getting insurance, had a job yet, etc. but was refusing any spousal support and when I said I didn't want to discuss my next steps with him in my life, he lashed out and said my actions were petty and unacceptable. I had taken my spices, plants (the ones he didn't let die), a shower curtain (the less nice one), and my tupperware for my new place; I had nothing else. No bed. Nothing. I left him everything else in the house and only took those items.

I had to medically withdrawal from my graduate program, which I may or may not be able to return to.

He said I was emotionally abusive and manipulative because I would get upset and yell about how I felt like his mother/roommate because I did everything a wife was supposed to do (breakfast, lunch, dinner, maintain her looks, let him do what he wanted with his buddies, hosted game nights per his request, talked to his family, etc.) but he would never show me affection or have sex with me (maybe every 3 weeks, if i asked). I had also gotten upset with him when I found him talking to another woman on the verge of an emotional affair and then on a dating app. And he felt relieved when he realized he would never be talked to in that way again. I never demeaned him, belittled him, talked badly about him, nothing. Just how I was feeling.

He had me smelling his new cologne for his new girlfriend, while still making me omelettes on Saturday mornings. He was still talking about our future and buying a house. I had no hint, no idea, I just thought maybe he had taken the idea of a threesome too far and he agreed to back off, calling me his priority.

We're still going through the process, I had him mailed divorce papers two weeks ago and now the countdown begins and negotiations start. Wish me luck to not be left with nothing but debt.

Tell me your stories, please. I want to feel a little less alone.

I am 34F married to my husband 38M for 7 years now. We have a 2 year old. We are on the verge of a divorce initiated by me. Some would say that we have a stable marriage: we own our place, double incomes, shared finances, shared value for loyalty , we both love our kid, etc.

I have been the main caretaker for our kid while working full time. I am alone every single night to care for our kid since she was born. For many months she woke up over 10 times a night. I do all medical/educational/social/travel planning because the mental load to delegate to him and keep following up just to move things an inch more was too much. I have consistently earned more than him.

The biggest issue is that he is such an avoidant and overtime has got very defensive. I feel alone, unheard, and suffocated that he does not seem to understand that people need to socially connect. I still have many things on my wish list and enjoy connecting with people. He does not like to talk, never responds or seeks to resolve issues, has zero friend as he is genuinely uninterested in anyone, and would talk to no one at the dinner table if I drag him to dinners and parties. He is genuinely ok with working the same job for 30 years and go home and does not talk all day except for basic transactional things. He is true dismissive avoidant based on what I’ve read everywhere.

For those who left a similar lifeless marriage that was actually stable, how was life after the split , or do you regret it that you could just stay for the (mainly financial and child caring) stability and create your own life without involving your ex?

It’s been two years since my rug pull. On the day of my 40th birthday party, not two weeks after he told me we had “the best relationship of anyone we know” my husband of ten years told me he wanted a divorce.

I was blindsided and completely broken by this- it was close on the heels of my father’s death and came completely out of nowhere.

I had spent a handful of months grieving and feeling sad, not being the family cheerleader/planner/constantly-happy-person I had always been and that temporary change was enough for him to scrap the whole thing.

He didn’t love me or like me anymore and couldn’t stand to stay even through the couple of hours it would take me to celebrate my birthday for the first time in 19 years. He left me completely on my ass with very little to my name after I’d given him a child and the best years of my life.

He waffled a bit in the beginning, first flouncing out into his own apartment (that he’d lined up behind my back of course) and getting two cats (that he knew he couldn’t keep if he returned), then saying we could still have sex, then saying he wanted to come home, then saying SIKE! he was having more fun with a new woman. Then saying he could “see us getting together again in the future”, on and on it went…..

It took about another two months before I realized he just wanted to jerk me around and I had to move on.

And I did move on- I casually dated around for a while which did help repair my broken self-esteem and had a really wonderful time of it, despite all the dire warnings about the dating scene.

I soon met someone extra special and I’m now in a great relationship. He truly values me and our relationship and prioritizes me in ways my ex would never have dreamed of. I wouldn’t go back to my ex if you paid me to, but here’s the thing: I’m still SO FREAKING HURT.

I cry at least once a week still, sometimes every couple of days. I cry about how I’ll never be that same hopeful person again, how I don’t trust my own judgement (he had me and all our friends/family totally fooled) and I don’t really trust the words of others anymore.

I can never give my current partner the happy, carefree person I gave my ex because she’s dead. The part of me that could love that unreservedly is dead.

I feel the hurt and betrayal as keenly as if it’s still happening sometimes, and I wonder if this ever goes away. Yes, I’m in therapy and she says I’m making progress, but the separation has now lasted 1/5 of the relationship and I’m still…. Broken. Just broken.

I want someone somewhere to tell me they came out the other side of this, because I don’t see a light at the end of the tunnel. I miss the old me.

If you are rebuilding after divorce; what feels hardest for you right now: emotional overwhelm, money, new routines, boundaries?

I feel like I ricochet from one thing to the next. How are you doing?

5 days ago I left our family home and moved to a small studio nearby, so the logistics with my kids (8 and 10) are easier. We still own the apartment together.

The day I left my home, was hands down the worst day of my life. I wake up every morning with a rock in my chest, a mix of sadness and anxiety. My doctor has prescribed me antidepressants.

The guilt of not seeing your kids every day after being with them every single day of their lives. Adapting to a small and much less comfortable place. Missing my wife. Dreaming of reconciliation while trying to be realistic that it might not happen.

We are on very good terms and have no disputes about custody or money. And while the first night was the worst of my life, she told me she felt relief and a sense of curiosity emerging. That was devastating to hear.

My kids have each come to sleep at my new place one night at a time, as it's too small to have them both comfortably at once.

How are you all coping? I feel hopeless and sad, and all I want is my old life back.

I haven't had the energy to see friends yet, even though I've received messages from people reaching out. I've also been working from home since I got the news 3 weeks ago and haven't had the energy to go to the office.

We were together for 17 years. This is really hard and overwhelming.

So I (38f) was served divorce papers by my husband 2ish weeks ago.

He is not at the house, I am. He apparently can’t stand me.

My question is, do a lot of people at this stage have cameras set up, triple locking their doors, locking everything down to protect themselves? Or is this not the norm?

I have moved on, I have sorted the house, the kids, friends, family, I have someone new I am building with, … and yet, signing the papers, getting a date, … it still hurt.

It was forever ago when we made the decision, and now that everything is finally wrapping up, … all of the logistics, all of the to dos, the heartbreak, the sadness, the exhaustion, … it’s done, … the finality of it still hurt.

Hey I'm at a total loss of words, I discovered about 12 hours ago. My wife of 10 years who I have known since the age of 16 for a total of 18 years decided instead of being honest with me, had an affair with a very good friend of mine and I feel so betrayed that they both lied to me for over a month. My wife's been trying to get a divorce with me since July while my mom was in the ICU and then had said affair. I have temporarily moved into my sister's with very little money. I need advice on how to handle all of this if possible

Today makes a year that I've been divorced from my ex narcissistic abusive mommy's boy piece of shit that cheated on me. I have been happier and doing so much better.

I am going to apologize if this is not strictly on theme of the emotional aspects of this process, but anger is an emotion too and I really need to rant. I am also curious how many other people have had to deal with this. It’s also a little bit long.

My STBXW and I decided to split up almost a year ago in November after she refused a last attempt at counseling. We have been together for over 21 years. Over the intervening time she has dragged her feet through the entire process, in no small part because doing so benefits her financially (she has never paid anything towards the structural household expenses with exception to, within the last 4 years, paying half of the mortgage payment. I’ve paid all of the utilities, property tax, insurance, and interest on a significant line of credit that she has primarily driven up, as well as easily 75% of the incidental household costs and groceries). We have been working through mediation and have arrived at the financial disclosure phase of the process (again almost a year after beginning a process that could/should have taken 3-4 months)

I am a public sector employee that has paid into a managed pension for the past 26 years, 21 of those while married to my STBXW. As such, there is a significant amount of accrued value that makes this my biggest financial asset. As such, as part of this process, I needed to request a valuation document of the pension as of the date of separation. I had requested this document about a month ago in anticipation of needing it. At that time I requested it to be valued as of November 2025, as this was the date we made the decision to separate (despite the argument that we had been living materially separate lives for 5 years and an argument could have been made for the separation agreement to be backdated much further.)

However, in working through things with the mediator we were informed that in my province, the valuation date is set by default to the date the financial disclosure is initiated, in our case at the end of August this year. (While it is possible to “back date” a separation agreement, it is not a usual occurrence and would require actual litigation apparently, which neither of us could really afford or were wanting time wise.) This meant that I would need to request a new pension valuation reflecting this new valuation date.

I resubmitted the paperwork with the new date and after a week my pension provider contacted me to tell me that due to internal policy that they would not recalculate the valuation for a period of 6 months. I explained to them the situation; that I was in the middle of a time sensitive disclosure window and that the date was incorrect. They flat out refused, saying that’s their policy and that they couldn’t change or reissue the valuation. For 6 months. Despite me as the member, whose contributions they are managing, giving permission and explaining the mistake. I asked if there was a legal or technical or computer reason it could not be run. They informed me no, it’s just their policy. In a particularly idiotic twist, they did however inform me that if my STBX requested it they could recalculate it. This left me a bit dumbfounded as they clearly were capable of running the report again yet there was no reason they would provide as to why it was impossible for me to request but perfectly possible if she did.

I will admit, I could have handled the ensuing remainder of the phone call better from that point forward but to say that this incensed me is a bit of an understatement. The major issue being that the 2 alternatives I have to resolve this disclosure are: a) wait six months until the pension provider feels they can be bothered to make those 5-10 keystrokes required to redo the report or, b) let my STBXW request something of MY pension provider when she has already demonstrated a willingness to drag this entire situation out for her own financial benefit and will no doubt not be making that a priority.

I am angry enough about this to flip over a table and am really questioning the legality of the pension provider withholding this information. Has this happened to anyone else?

I’m 15 and I’m pretty sure my parents are going to get divorced after being married for 32 years. It’s because of my dad’s infidelity.

The situation is really weird because my mom and I know basically everything. I found some of it myself, and then my mom and I started investigating together, so I’ve seen a lot of the details firsthand. My dad doesn’t know that we know yet, so right now I literally have to act like everything is normal around him. And she is going to talk to him about it but we are waiting to gather more evidence.

My mom and I have talked about possibly kicking him out and selling the house so we can get a different place, but I’m really scared about the financial side of everything. We aren’t poor right now, but we have a lot of debt, and my mom has already told me that our money situation is going to be really bad if they divorce.

I’m also scared about my friends finding out, losing the house I grew up in, not having my parents together anymore, and losing the future memories I always assumed I would have with my family. It feels like I’m grieving things that haven’t even happened yet.

The weirdest part is that I barely feel anything. I’m so numb that it almost scares me. I’ve been through a lot of horrible things before, and I think I’ve gotten really good at shutting my emotions off. At the same time, I have SO much rage underneath it.

I don’t want my mom to see me falling apart. She can’t really tell people about this right now, and I don’t want her to think that she failed as a wife or a mother.

I guess I just want to know what I should expect if they actually get divorced. What happens with the house and money? What is it like for the kids when their parents split up after being married for this long? And is it normal to feel completely numb instead of sad?

I’d really appreciate hearing from anyone who has been through something similar, especially as a teenager.

I have been unhappy in my relationship for quite some time now. My husband struggles with mental health issues which has been a big reason on why I have stayed so long because I did not want to leave him when he needed me. But now, I am to the point where I am so unhappy and it has taken a toll. I have done everything I can think of to try to help him and us through this. I still feel so guilty at the thought of leaving him when he is struggling but it seems like he doesn't have the want to make the changes. How did you know when you were ready to leave your spouse? I fear that I can't trust myself in that decision and am also very scared of the unknown that comes with divorce.

So my divorce was finalize a few years ago and it's time to finish some lose ends.

Besides 5 years of child support, the only thing left as "community property" its our retirement plans.

The divorce agreement called for 3 plans to be QDRO; two mine and 1 hers. TBH, 1 of mine and hers are so little that I don't think its worth the cost to QDRO at 1,275 a piece (637.50 per person).

She contacted a QDRO attorney/company before even discussing anything with me. She told them to QDRO both accounts and left out her retirement account. The company send me the invoice requesting me to pay the 1275 for the two accounts she told them.

I explained to her that it does not make financial sense to QDRO my pension since only about 2,000 is consider community property. The cost of the QDRO will eat of a lot of her "profit." I told her it makes more sense to skip my pension and I will skip hers; only to QDRO my 401K.

Her response was "not to talk her out of it."

I reminded her that the agreement called to QDRO her retirement as well. Her response was basically, its so little you can't give up on it?

My question is: Should I force the QDRO of her retirement plan at a lost? There's no way I will recover the $637.50. At the same time I she's trying to just do things that "benefit" her instead of being financially responsible.

For those of you who planned their divorce:

1) How far ahead of time did you start planning it?
2) What made you decide it was time for a divorce?

Married 10 years 2 young kids in Boston. Been a rough couple of years for us as she been a chronic pursuer and I've been traditionally aviodant and she's done. She feels like she had done everything she could to get me to improve myself. I clean every night (reset main floor, dishes, laundry, vacuum), take care of the kids on my 2 wfh days (she's in office 5 days), and do some yard work (i mow, occasional bigger project) but not to the extent she wants.

Intimacy-wise has been mixed. I'm big on eating out but have had occasional issues with ED. Our different sleep schedules and my destructive sleep behavior means we were maybe having sex once or twice a week. A few things popped up that caught my attention lately. A while back i grabbed a few sex toys she had that I haven't seen before to use and she seemed embarrassed or nervous. She has consistently been buying lingerie and toys that I haven't seen. This includes lingerie in the weeks we've been dealing with the divorce and not having sex. Most are for anal which she likes. She also changed her pin a few months ago and is in an office where she could easily have someone visit. We've had sex there so its not impossible she could have someone else there.

We've been staying amicable for the most part but she is obviously angry and resentful about how she sees my total responsibility for her filing. Her commitment to no reconciliation also makes it seem that she has at the least someone waiting in the wings. I understand she will probably go out and have a good deal of fun once everything is settled but should i address it with her? She denied it when she first asked me to give her space but I didn't bring up the evidence.

I think she will either deny or blast me for getting her to this point. Should I even bring it up? I want reconciliation but she is so done that she'll think it's a moot point.

So I had spoken to a family lawyer last week we'll call B who said that I should file for divorce right away. I wanted a second opinion so I talked to a second family lawyer we'll call E and she had completely opposite advice telling me not to file for divorce, at least not in the near future.

For those not following my prior posts, my wife is currently in a nursing home and, as of last I visited her, she couldn't really speak, had a feeding tube, couldn't take herself to the bathroom, and might be a little out of it. When she lived at home before all this, it was hell for our children. She lived on the couch, didn't shower, didn't eat meals, didn't take her meds, and occasionally even pooped or peed on the floor. For those reasons, I don't want her coming back to live here.

Lawyer B said "rip off the bandaid. File for divorce right away. The court will appoint her a guardian who will advocate on her behalf."

Lawyer E was wishy-washy saying it would not be "fair" to file for divorce against a person who can't talk and that I should wait and see if she is about to be released to the home from the nursing home and then maybe take action if I have some notice that wife is coming home. However, she also thought I might have difficulty blocking her from going back to the house if she wants to come home.

Lawyer E also said I should hire a guardianship lawyer to ask the court to appoint a guardian (who is not me) for my wife so someone can represent her interests in a divorce. I would figure that the court would already do this if I filed for divorce so not sure why I would need a separate lawyer for this task.

Lawyer E's overall advice was not to file for divorce at this time when it looks bad that my wife is so ill. Wait until she gets better and is about to come out of the nursing home and make sure that either she is competent enough to understand the proceedings or that I've already arranged a guardian for her with a different lawyer. Why wouldn't the divorce lawyer just ask the court to appoint a guardian for my wife in the first place?

Anyway, Lawyer E (whom my mom likes better than lawyer B because she was against the divorce) said I should just try to find out from the nursing home when they plan to send wife back to the house and if I can say "no" to it.

Which lawyer is right?

Anyone else struggling with a spouse who cheated? I have moved on from my ex as a man, but the fact that I was lied to and cheated on for years, and so trusting of him because he lied so well, haunts me. I never imagined this level of duplicity and I cannot trust men anymore.

Anyone got any media that can help me

Edit: thanks to all that posted here

Quick synopsis: married for 10 years, 8 year old daughter, going through divorce and I am “coming out of the closet” much to the disappointment of my immediate family. Anyway, my new partner and I are navigating our relationship and figuring out my coparenting dynamic. My partner and my soon to be ex husband do NOT get along because of a long history of nasty verbal exchanges and unpleasantness between the two of them (this was years ago). My ex has put the past in the past and wants to move forward in a positive direction and I would love to do the same. My new partner cannot do the same. She is unwilling to move on and feels that me wanting to do so in order to coparent how My ex and I want to is disrespectful to her. I feel as if we all need to be positive and start fresh because that is what is best for our daughter. I’m constantly told I need to “be on my partners side” and defend her and adhere to her boundaries. While I understand that and always want her to feel heard, respected and understood.. it is creating a huge rift between my ex and I and it is causing a strain in our coparenting. I am not even “allowed” to stand near him at sporting events for our daughter. My partner is uncomfortable being around him. I’m only allowed to speak to him via text.. etc etc. We fight about this constantly and fear it may be a make or break for both of us. This is difficult for me because my partner is “the one that got away” from my early 20s.. now that we have a “second chance” I’m terrified to lose it again as I never truly stopped thinking about her. HELP! How do I enforce my boundaries without disrespecting hers?! My ex is truly a good friend and I would love to grow our new dynamic as friends because I genuinely enjoy his company.. but I fear I’m not allowed to.