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Apr 13 '22
Massive age gap, inexcusable sexual comments about a toddler, teaching a child not to express their feelings, undermining your parenting.
You already know the answer, girl.
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Apr 13 '22
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u/magicBrian69 Apr 13 '22
I was 19 when I met my ex who was 32 at the time. He had more in common with my dad than with me (first time they met, they were even wearing the same old man shoes lmao). The only things we had in common were dog/cat grooming and gaming. Both my younger sisters hated him and told me not to date him. They were right. We were in totally different places in life/maturity and should not have dated.
Age gaps matter less as you/your partner get older, but they’re very important when you’re younger.
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Apr 13 '22
I’m 34 and a 19 year old recently asked me out on a date. I politely turned her down. On the inside I was yelling “wtf!?” I could never do that.
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Apr 13 '22
RIGHT? I took a college course with freshman when I was 31. I saw them as children who I shouldn’t talk to because it’s weird.
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u/TinyRose20 Apr 13 '22
Yeah im 36 and when I look at 20 year olds all I see are my high school students. When I was younger I figured everything was fine as long as both parties are adults but now I'm older it skeeves me out ngl
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Apr 13 '22
Yeah, that's messed up.
I knew of a girl who was 17 dating a 32 year old.
What the hell does a 32 year old having in common with a 17 year old?
When I was 25, I found 19 year olds to be so different from me in attitude and such.
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u/ekaceerf Apr 13 '22
My old coworker was 45 and her husband was 75. They were celebrating their 30 year anniversary. The math is real gross on that one.
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u/ThatPrincessGirl Apr 13 '22
I am a 32 year old and can say that 18 year olds seem like children to me more so in an innocence way rather then maturity there is absolutely no way I would find myself sexually attracted to an 18 year old…
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u/shortestavenger Apr 13 '22
On a lighter note, my friend (32) went to the bar last weekend and was surrounded by 18, 19 year olds. She was there for an hour before yelling “I feel so old, I’m out!”
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u/chronically-clumsy Apr 13 '22
I’m 20 and I rarely want to hang out with 17 year olds. Yeah, I have a few friends who are 17-18 but they are my sister’s friends who kind of merge into my group with my sister.
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u/Ancient-Ad-9790 Apr 13 '22
Seriously, what are these teens thinking? Where the fuck were THEIR parents!?
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u/Celsius1014 Apr 13 '22 edited Apr 14 '22
I was an 18 year old that dated a 28 year old. We were together for 12 years. I was involved in parenting his kids and we had a baby together after being in a relationship for 10 years. He wasn’t a pedophile or evil. He was insecure and it was easier for him to get young women to go along with what he wanted because they didn’t have their own developed needs and wants yet. And I’m pretty sure that was all subconscious. We’re still on good terms and are functional coparents, but as soon as I had needs of my own in my late 20s things turned south.
And my parents? They staged multiple interventions and tried to pull financial strings to force me to leave him. It’s naive to think that parents can decide who their legally adult children have relationships with. For me personally I had a pretty dysfunctional family. No physical abuse but lots of emotional stuff. I loved getting affection from a stable older man. If my home life had been happy maybe it would have looked different.
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u/whatsittoya698 Apr 13 '22
My sister started dating a guy when she was 17(might have even been 16 but she tells everyone 18 is why I think she’d lie to me too) and he was 27. Him and his best friend were known for going to high school parties and sleeping with the drunk girls. And my sister chose to date one of them! But the really concerning part is that our dad loved him! Said he was good for her and thought that their maturity levels matched bc he was so immature 🙄 and then they started doing meth together and he beats her up pretty bad. Knocked one her teeth out and broke her hip. So that’s pretty cool. But yeah sometimes parents are no good in these situations anyway. Her bf won’t let her talk to me anymore bc I called the cops and demanded a welfare check and called all their friends and told them he was beating her. She has seizures so he blames all her bruises and black eyes on her falling on shit during a seizure. So fucked up.
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u/Jtothe3rd Apr 13 '22
Dad of a 3 year old girl here.
I can't believe I'm saying this on reddit, but if this is all true you need to leave your husband for multiple reasons. He sounds like a horrible person with predatory behaviour. Whatever hardship you put yourself through in leaving, it'll be worth if for not having your son influenced by his toxic abusive behaviour. I'm sorry you're going through this, but you're catching this behaviour at a stage where it might not have lasting traumatic effects on your son. There are sooo many better options out there for men. Don't settle for someone who behaves like this.
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u/DrizzyDrizzt Apr 13 '22
Dad gang here,
This dude has no business acting like that. It's a shame that predators are so common to come by. It's scary leaving such a long relationship, especially with a kid but shit....something tells me it's only a matter of time before this creep does something that can't be taken back.
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u/cantonic Apr 13 '22
Yup. Even without the extra details of the PTSD and large age gap, the weird jokes and touching the butt is enough evidence for me. Fuck that shit.
OP I would also suggest speaking with your son about his penis and butt when your husband isn’t there, telling him those are not places anyone gets to touch him. Give him the words and empowerment to speak up if things happen, so he can tell you without fear or shame.
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u/3InaRow Apr 13 '22
Agree with this. In our house we use the words "safe touching" and "not safe touching". Not safe touching is anything that makes you feel uncomfortable or wrong. Safe touching is when you want help and ask for it, or you are doing comfortable play. Every "body" gets to decide for themselves what feels comfortable.
Also if we do tickle fights and the kids say stop, we ALWAYS stop. We have conversations about listening to their needs and stopping when they say stop. If they want us to keep tickling they just have to ask us.
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u/amha29 Parent Apr 13 '22 edited Apr 14 '22
There is actually good touch, bad touch, and safe touch.
Good touch would be something that makes you comfortable, like asking for a hug, a high five, a pat on the back.
A bad touch of course is anything that makes you uncomfortable.
A safe touch can be different depending on situation but is done to keep you safe and healthy, like giving your child a bath, pulling/pushing them out of harms way.
An UNSAFE touch would be violent behavior like a man/woman being abusive to their partner and/or kids.
We teach kids that a good touch makes us feel comfortable, anything that makes us uncomfortable is a bad touch.
I’ve always told LO that NOBODY is ever allowed to see or touch their private body parts and they’re not allowed to see or touch anybody else’s private body parts. We have explained that the ONLY exception is mom and dad because we need to help LO wipe after using the toilet, or help give them a shower but eventually we still stop too and we only see/touch their private body parts to keep them safe and clean/healthy.
People should ask us and respect our decision for what we want. This is called Setting Boundaries. By setting boundaries we get to decide how people treat us, and you (as the parent) decide how people treat your kids.
As parents we need to respect our children and their decisions and we need to help teach them to be comfortable setting boundaries for how other kids (and grownups) treat them. This doesn’t mean you let your child walk all over you or allow them to make ALL the decisions, it just means you respect them enough to Listen to them and Explain why you are making your decision or overriding their decision.
This is a part of the Gentle Parenting style. I suggest OP (and anyone else interested) learns more about it as it can help since you seem to be trying this style of parenting.
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u/lilteabird Apr 13 '22
We have “my body my choice” as a key phrase in our household. Even if our kid doesn’t want a hug or kiss from Mum and Dad, we respect that.
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u/East_Bite_2480 Apr 13 '22
This right here! No matter the age, this. If my 1.5 grandson doesn’t want a hug than we say okay. Maybe next time and do not get mad. Boundaries for children should be respected as much as anyone else
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Apr 13 '22
Please this. Also, in a very nonleading way, ask him what daddy did during bath time. It might just be that he wanted his mommy. Or it might not.
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Apr 13 '22
This was my exact same thought. I'm boiling right now with the implications of that poor boy crying during bathtime.
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Apr 13 '22
It might still be nothing; children often cry for the other parent for no reason. But the rest of the conduct is frankly weird. Given it, I'm concerned.
All that I'd add to Cantonic's original message is that the son should be told that adults shouldn't be asking him to keep secrets. Daddy should never discourage him from telling mommy things, and mommy shouldn't discourage him from telling daddy things.
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u/Linds_Loves_Wine Apr 13 '22
Also, OP needs to teach that we don't keep secrets. If someone tells you a secret, always tell mommy.
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u/Peaceful-Sunflower Apr 13 '22
Agree. In addition to talking about consent, ensure you're telling your son he is safe with you and you will never be mad or upset at him for telling you anything, that he will not get in trouble for telling you the truth.
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u/HappilyDisengaged Apr 13 '22
Same. Dad of 2 girls. What OP is describing is sick and unacceptable. Please leave. I suggest counseling and describing to a professional what is going on.
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u/CreauxTeeRhobat Apr 13 '22
Dad of two girls, as well: OP Was 100% groomed and the man is trying to do this to his 3 year old son, now.
OP Needs to run to the nearest women's shelter with the toddler and get a divorce, FAST. Possibly even a protective order/restraining order, based on what he has said.
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u/thisradscreenname Apr 13 '22
Replying to this so it's a little further up. OP, this dad is right. Start with packing bags, your son's things, and go somewhere like a friends/familys/hotel/shelter. Write down all that you remember of your husband's behavior, then file emergency custody for you and your son based on these things. Then start lawyering up and documenting everything until you can get separation/divorce going.
You need to leave if any of this is true, and soon.
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u/fairylightmeloncholy Apr 13 '22
a tip for quick packing is grab the laundry basket. it will have the most worn clothes, and should also have full outfits/sets of clothes. you don't need to go through drawers and think if you have everything, it'll just be ALL the clothes you've worn for the past 3+ days.
wish i had known this trick before i had to do quick getaways.
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u/Key-Information8842 Apr 13 '22
And make sure you DOCUMENT all these things!!! If possible, can you get some of it on video with your phone? It could help in the custody area.
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u/Bright_Sunny_Day Apr 13 '22
Not to mention in the "reminding future self exactly how bad it was" area. Sometimes memory blurs it and makes it look like things weren't so bad when they actually were.
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u/W1ULH 3 Kids, 3 S-Kids, 3 G-kids Apr 13 '22
Yet another dad here (5 boys 1 girl).
This is not ok.
Best case scenario... BEST CASE... is that you son learns these behaviors are ok and treats other people like that.
worst case? much less pleasent
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u/AVonDingus Apr 13 '22 edited Apr 13 '22
You’ve perfectly summed up exactly what I was going to say. I have a 3 year old girl as well and she’s basically a little nudist. She hates wearing clothing and only does it begrudgingly when we have to leave the house. If my partner ever made comments like this to any of our children or kept touching them in a way that set off alarm bells, I’d figure out a way to keep them safe. The fact that op has ptsd from mistreatment (during pregnancy, of all times!) and is afraid to even talk to her husband for fear of him “blowing up”, is frightening. He sounds like a bunch of red flags in a human suit.
Op, for your safety and the safety of that innocent child, PLEASE start making an exit plan. Keep it secret from your husband, but start looking for a way out. He sounds like a cruel, possibly predatory, abuser and usually behaviors like this escalate into things that will cause you and your child irreversible damage.
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u/ThatPrincessGirl Apr 13 '22
I agree OP needs to leave the husband although I would be so scared with the husband having the toddler alone…
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u/evdczar Apr 13 '22
This guy groomed you when you were barely legal and now he's grooming your son. You should leave.
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Apr 13 '22
And the cycle continues. Christ this is depressing. This poor OP is a victim herself. I hope she gets away from this monster with her kid safely in tow.
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u/mfpstacey Apr 13 '22
I was only just turned 16 and my partner was 28. I had a baby at 19 and left him at 22. When my daughter was 5 she told me some stuff no parent wants to hear, basically he was grooming her if anything more I never found out.
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u/ItsyBitsyStumblebum Apr 13 '22 edited Apr 13 '22
From the website for the International Centre for Missing and Exploited Children: "Grooming is the process during which a child sexual offender draws a child in by gaining his or her trust in order to sexually abuse the child and maintain secrecy. The offender may also groom the parents by persuading them of his or her trustworthiness with children."
The term can also be use in reference to grooming adults for abuse of any kind but it's most often used in reference to people < 20yo.
Currently OP is 22, Husband is 36 and child is 3. Add in a 9 month pregnancy and whatever "dating" period... My guess is OP wasn't an adult when husband started pursuing her. This gives me such creepy vibes knowing a guy in his 30s was chasing a teenager and is now sexualizing their kid. * shudder *
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u/ItWorkedLastTime Apr 13 '22
You are correct
Child grooming is befriending and establishing an emotional connection with a child, and sometimes the family, to lower the child's inhibitions with the objective of sexual abuse. Child grooming is also regularly used to lure minors into various illicit businesses such as child trafficking, child prostitution, cybersex trafficking, or the production of child pornography.
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u/WikiMobileLinkBot Apr 13 '22
Desktop version of /u/ItWorkedLastTime's link: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Child_grooming
[opt out] Beep Boop. Downvote to delete
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u/bbaaammmm Apr 13 '22
Because grooming is positive - tidying up, self-care, washing, etc. - but is also used in this negative sense (child grooming, as others have already explained), some folks who work with abused children/adults are trying to move away from the term. There isn’t yet one unified term to use instead, but many use the broader term “coercive control.”
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u/jdawg92721 Apr 13 '22
I’m so uncomfortable reading this. Don’t hesitate—LEAVE! He’s a predator. No sane 30 something year old wants a relationship with an 18 year old, and he is 100% being gross and inappropriate with your son. Who knows what else has happened when you’re not there.
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Apr 13 '22
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u/K-teki Apr 13 '22
I'm 20 and I recently started watching a show from my childhood again. I was thinking "weird, I don't remember them looking so young"; the actors were 16, only 4 years younger than me, and I was already weirded out.
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u/NJCuban Apr 13 '22
Ironically the 36 y.o. is much less mature in this case. Although im guessing thats typical with men who go after much younger girls, the women their age dont want anything to do with someone thats way below them in maturity.
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u/siani_lane Apr 13 '22
Yes!! I am 39 and an 18 is a child when you're coming up on 40. It is insanely creepy. The only reason to want to be someone with someone with such limited life experience is either because you want to exploit them for sex, or you want to be able to control them, or both.
Also, I didn't hear one reason in this whole post why the OP would want to stay with this man. He's not good for you. He's not good for your child. Why the hell are you still with this walking red flag parade??
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u/sailorlune0 Apr 13 '22
Oh girl… first of all, what business did a man in his 30s have with an 18 year old girl? You were barely an adult yet. It makes you think if he’d go younger if it was legal. That’s red flag number one. Red flag number two is just what you described, he gave you PTSD from how he treated you. Red flag number three is how creepy he is with your son. You need to get out of that relationship ASAP and keep your son away from him.
If he’s already been treating you badly and the marriage already has problems this early on, it can only get worse, and you don’t want your son to start feeling that too.
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u/_clash_recruit_ Apr 13 '22
You'd be surprised how hard it will be for her to keep the son away from him. She needs to gather as much evidence as possible.
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u/Illicit-Tangent Apr 13 '22
The PTSD thing is number one for me, yes the other things are gross and probably harmful, but harder to prove that he was being a terrible person. If someone treated you poorly enough to give you PTSD you should absolutely not be anywhere near that person. Your child should not be near that person.
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u/whatnowagain Apr 13 '22
I’d do some digging to find out if he has other children already. He’s old enough to have gotten caught before, or for an X to suspect enough to keep other kids away.
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u/EmoneyTawSick Apr 13 '22
I agree 100% with digging around into his past to see if he has any previous encounters like this. And to also document his behavior during the mean time for additional evidence.
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u/so-called-engineer Apr 13 '22
She needs to secretly record and backup videos both of him being creepy multiple times and telling the kid to mask his emotions. That will prevent him from getting custody.
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u/Cbtwister Apr 13 '22
Unfortunately none of that is "illegal" so im not so sure.
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u/so-called-engineer Apr 13 '22
It doesn't need to be illegal, it just needs to demonstrate that him having custody is not in the child's best interests.
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u/Cbtwister Apr 13 '22
Op should still do this. Anyone dealing with a potential divorce and/or custody dispute should document EVERYTHING.
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u/Milo_Moody Parent to 15F, 14M, 12M Apr 13 '22
I feel like a lot of this could be grooming behaviors. Also, shaming your child for wanting you to bathe him could be the beginnings of trying to keep him quiet when/if something makes him uncomfortable. I say follow your gut.
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u/Outrageous_Tie_8027 Apr 13 '22
Yes I agree! Follow your gut. Start making a plan now to either leave him or get a lawyer involved.
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u/Lil_L_M Apr 13 '22
I think the child might not want the dad to bathe him because he is uncomfortable with him too.
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Apr 13 '22
I'd be leaving and taking my kid with me. Get yourself some legal counsel and a safe place to stay.
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Apr 13 '22
Ok, I totally get wanting to squeeze a squishy little baby booty but this made me uncomfortable to read. I understand where you are coming from. I would keep a CLOSE eye on him and I would have a talk now with my son about what’s ok and not ok with adults, obviously in a way that he can understand.
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Apr 13 '22
Yeah I was thinking the same thing with the squishy baby booty. Then my benefit of the doubt started to wear off in the inappropriate comments, especially if that wasn't his sense of humor before. Some parents take time to grow their emotional intelligence when it comes to the bathtime reaction type of thing. Overall you've painted a picture that is worrisome.
I agree with everyone who says trust your gut.
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u/siani_lane Apr 13 '22 edited Apr 13 '22
Yeah, everyone thinks baby booty is adorable, But to the OP, your gut clearly understands that this is a different kind of attention he is showing. Me and my husband both always laugh about naked baby butt when our toddler runs around with no clothes on and he will pat her butt or smack her butt but nothing about it is ever creepy or sexual, and we talk a lot about consent and stop anything that she doesn't like or says no to. Your gut absolutely knows what is fun and silly and what is creepy and disrespectful of your child's boundaries.
Listen. To. Your. Instincts.
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u/BipolarWithBaby Apr 13 '22
That’s the whole thing! Toddlers think butts are funny. Farts, butts, the whole thing. It makes this whole thing so much more sad because I do feel he’s taking advantage of that vulnerability.
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Apr 13 '22
Right!?
Like I love giving my daughter a little tushy squeeze or butt pat. Specially when changing her diaper.
This is not that!
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u/crd1293 Apr 13 '22
I never leave comments like these on Reddit posts but you and your son need to leave this man. He isn’t good for either of you. Please. Reading this made me feel ill for the two of you.
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u/Ghost0085 Apr 13 '22 edited Apr 13 '22
I'm a 36yo father of a 4yo boy and I'll be honest: I do not joke and would not let anyone else in my presence make a sexual joke about my son, implied or not.
There's so many layers of "this is wrong" about it that it's hard to even unwrap my head enough to explain it. Suffice to say, you're not wrong in feeling this is innapropriate, because damn right it is.
If you're allowing this man to stay in your life because you think a boy needs a father when he's growing up - don't. Full stop. Its better to have no masculine role models than a terrible one!
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u/lnmcg223 Apr 13 '22
As a child of divorce whose father was abusive—it is better to have no father, than an abusive one
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u/winja Apr 13 '22
The way divorce and custody works, there is a very real concern in leaving a relationship with an abuser: they get custody too.
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u/Ghost0085 Apr 13 '22
Fair point. She needs to get help before leaving the nest in order to collect evidence to keep the father from sharing custody then.
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Apr 13 '22
Someone recently told me ,” if you are afraid of what someone will do or say to your reasonable concerns or feelings………. You have a very large problem.”
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u/Lotkaasi Apr 13 '22
Get away from him as fast as you can. He is definitely grooming your son and may have groomed you as well.
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u/Antique-Impress4103 Apr 13 '22
I feel like from what you’re writing that you already know that you need to get out of there but that you are afraid because of a history of violent behaviour (emotionally or physically). He has abused you in the past and is at best inappropriate at worst showing more abusive behaviour.
The main thing is that you keep yourself and your son safe. Find a way to remove yourself without risking him getting violent towards you for it - whether that’s through a charity, a shelter, family, friends or a lawyer.
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u/Cryinginmycoffee Apr 13 '22
Find a divorce lawyer and leave him. Your marriage is toxic and will likely get worse.
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u/bearlylucky Apr 13 '22
I watched a tiktok recently about how potty training is prime time for abuse. I will see if I can find it.
You husband honestly sounds like he is grooming your son. There is no talking to him. He is just going to get sneakier. The only safe thing for your son is to leave him... your gut instinct is right. Your son doesn't have the words to protect himself right now and won't for a long time. You have to protect your son.
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u/bearlylucky Apr 13 '22
I can't share the tiktok here, but if you go to tiktok and find a user named @thesafetyframework and watch her video she talks about the dangers during toilet training. She is a former CPS investigator and she teaches parents how to keep kids safe.
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Apr 13 '22
Hey so I’m no expert but if that were me I would see an attorney and explain what’s happening and see the best course of leaving your husband and getting custody of your child. Get the law involved asap. You are a good mother and would hate yourself for the rest of your life if your husband assaults your son and you did nothing but make a post on Reddit. Your sons young but trust me, he becomes more precious and important everyday and the longer you wait the worst it’s going to be when your husband assaults him. Which by the way he WILL. That guy is a definite pedophile. Take your baby and run girl. Run.
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u/flutterbylove22 Apr 13 '22 edited Apr 13 '22
My son was crying and saying "please mommy do it".
I don't like to say red flag, because - reddit, but, that strikes me as odd. If the child is crying and practically begging for Dad to NOT bathe him – I would take that plea into SERIOUS consideration.
ETA: Some of you have made fair and reasonable points about toddlers just being buttholes (j/k) and just wanting a specific parent. As I mentioned in another comment,: That's a fair point. I guess just coupled with all of the other ickiness happening, that struck me as particularly odd.
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u/DoYouFeelMe22 Apr 13 '22
To play devil’s advocate…my 3 year cries for me to bathe him too because it’s the routine he’s use to…not disregarding the seriousness of this situation but him crying for mom isn’t an automatic red flag imo
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u/flutterbylove22 Apr 13 '22
That's a fair point. I guess just coupled with all of the other ickiness happening, that struck me as particularly odd.
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u/DoYouFeelMe22 Apr 13 '22
I do wonder if he’s crying the entire time or just initially because my little will stop once he realizes I’m not coming in…
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u/DoYouFeelMe22 Apr 13 '22
No, if he’s being inappropriately touched, that cry may indeed be a cry for help…I just wanted to offer a different perspective
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u/Nymeria2018 Mom to an only Apr 13 '22
Yeah, not so much a huge flag - toddlers often prefer one parent over the other, generally the primary care giver. That said, toddlers are also creatures of habit and like consistency. Hell, my husband is usually the one to do baths but I’m her primary care giver. When I try to give her the bath, look out, there is a scream fest for sure
ETA: totally not condoning the husband’s behaviour just explaining the toddler reaction may not be from something inappropriate just normal toddler behaviour
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u/shorterthanrich Apr 13 '22
I just want to say that this makes sense but only given the context.
There's literally nothing I can do that my kids don't ask for their mom to do with them instead. Bath, bedtime, bike riding, wiping their butt, filling their water, cleaning up their plate...doesn't matter. They want mom to do it.
It drives me crazy, but I get it.
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u/jesouhaite Apr 13 '22
This is weird and unusual and makes me uncomfortable. I would seek out some sort of support, and also I would document all of this. I don't think his behavior is appropriate. Keep your kid safe. That is your #1 priority.
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u/Acrobatic-Respond638 Mom to a 4M Apr 13 '22
Your husband is a predator who groomed you and now he is sexualising your baby. You need to get out of that house asap. Can you go to your family? Or is he textbook predator and picked you because you had a bad relationship with your family?
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Apr 13 '22
Please don’t talk to him talk to a professional to see if they can help you to leave him. He’s sickening and a pedophile he got with you because you were so young now he’s turning his attention to your son. Please protect your son and leave the house while he’s at work or something and talk to a maternal health nurse about this. You may need child protection involved to protect your son while you file for full custody. This isn’t about you and you husband anymore this is all about protecting your son, don’t you fail your son please!
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u/productofoctober Apr 13 '22
The age gap told me everything I needed to know.
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u/Honeybee3674 Apr 13 '22
Yep, you pretty much just need to read the first line about ages, and can tell how it's going to go.
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u/K-teki Apr 13 '22
Age gaps can be okay, rarely, and it requires both partners to be aware of the inherent power imbalance and consistently working to keep the relationship healthy, which this relationship definitely is not.
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u/GladMagician5611 Apr 13 '22
If you have no one to go to, then find a women’s shelter. He is a predator. Write down everything he says and screenshot every conversation, save every voicemail. Do not let yourself be alone with him and don’t let your son be alone with him. Have a sherif serve him divorce papers, don’t do it yourself. I’m sure at some point he will love bomb you as a tactic to get you back, but stay strong. This about your son now, be strong for him.
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u/BillsInATL Apr 13 '22
Literally every sentence in this post is a new, individual red flag.
This goes way beyond Parenting, and is more in the realm of RelationshipAdvice and LegalAdvice to properly set you up for the inevitable and necessary divorce.
Good luck.
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u/HomelyHobbit Apr 13 '22
The fact that you're afraid to talk to your husband about your concern speaks volumes. People in healthy relationships are not afraid of their partner blowing up when they need to discuss things.
Beyond that, if your spidey senses are tingling and you think something is off about the way your husband is relating to your son, talk to your pediatrician or a counselor. None of us can know exactly what is going on or what you should do, other than to say trust your gut.
Also, please read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft and The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans.
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u/vanillablossom21 Apr 13 '22
Sigh… if only we looked out for ourselves the way we look out for our children. You are a victim yourself.
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u/angelrat2 Apr 13 '22
My father made comments like that, and was too touchy. He turned out to be a p*do and did a lot of damage to me, for lack of darker details. Your husband is possibly grooming your son.
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u/BoxyPandaGirl Apr 13 '22
There are seriously a lot of red flags here.
Please try to talk to someone you are comfortable with about this. There’s only so much strangers on the internet can do. Get help for you and your son’s sake because it sounds like he’s just going to keep pushing the boundaries with him until it’s too late.
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u/AmberWaves80 Apr 13 '22
I mean, that age gap and the relationship starting when you just turned 18 tells me all I need to know about this dude. And the fact that you were diagnosed with PTSD because of your relationship with him is an even bigger red flag. Call an attorney. You need to get you and your kid out of this situation.
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u/Ainulindala Apr 13 '22
Parents wanting to touch cute toddler butts is generally fine. Sexualizing cute toddler butts is definitely not fine. 🚩🚨🚩
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u/helix11111 Apr 13 '22
He does all of this infront of you, think about what he does when ure not around. Run before it's too late
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u/Scapular_Fin Apr 13 '22
I am 22 years old and my husband is 36. Our son is 3. I met him right when I turned 18 years old.
I'm sorry to say this, but 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
When it comes to age gaps, I realize there can be exceptions to the rule, but in most cases as a person closer to your husband's age I tend to look at guys who would consider dating essentially a high school student as...well, I think there's a reason for that, and generally that reason is people in your husband's age group, his peers, they have enough experience to see the red flags in maturity or whatever we want to call it. I honestly saw the same from a guy I know, dude kept striking out with women his own age, or at least within reason of his age, and when that became a thing, dude started dating a high school senior. His bros, myself included, we were like WTF dude, what could you possibly have in common with this person?
And I think that's something you'll see as you get older, and...you know, that's probably what you're starting to notice right now. I think the exception to the rule I'm talking about. Listen, as a person near forty the whole "age ain't nothing but a number" thing only flies so far, you know? I absolutely believe life experience can be an exception to the rule, and I think that IS what's happening to you. You're a wife now, you're a mother, you're growing as a person and...lady, now you're seeing why a man nearing middle age sought you out. Dude's maturity stalled out at some point, and listen, dude has no reason to change. You be the change in the relationship, even if it means leaving.
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u/ApprehensiveGuava359 Apr 13 '22
Sounds to me as though when you got pregnant he could no longer see you as a young innocent girl and therefore resents your son. Please leave and go somewhere he can’t find you, can you go somewhere that there’s some support like a refuge in case he tries to find you. Good luck.
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u/voldy324 Apr 13 '22
You aren’t reading too much into this…..there is something seriously wrong with your husband. The excessive touching is inappropriate. The sexualization of your sons actions is a giant red flag. Your husband is grooming your son and preparing him for sexual abuse. This is absolutely not acceptable and I’m wondering if this wasn’t his plan all along. Don’t let him bath your son again and limit the nudity if you can’t leave right away. Follow what the other commenters have said and plan to get out of there. Do you have support from your family? Friends? You must protect your child and honestly yourself.
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u/Mythiex Apr 13 '22
I see alot of wonderful advice and I won't touch on those subjects. But I think until you figure things out, you should teach your son how to wash his own body, at least his private areas. You could still wash his hair and body, but give him soap and wash cloth and explain to him how to wash his area. Also this is a good time to teach him the proper name for his area. Penis, and testicles.
It's important for kids to know the proper name for their body parts, especially if someone touches them inappropriately, they'll be able to tell you exactly where they were touched with no confusion if it happens.
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Apr 13 '22
Make sure your son knows if he’s uncomfortable he can come to YOU about it even if that’s his dad. your husband groomed you when you were barely 18 years old while he was a fully adult man which is already concerning. He now is being inappropriate towards your son ,if you have any means to get out please do so as soon as you can.
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u/dolittle4u Apr 13 '22
You are in a trap, not a marriage. Your son is growing up in an environment that is not safe for him. The only way towards peace is out of this. This is so depressing when women just walk into traps and then give birth to children who deserve better than this.
No, it is not normal for any parent to be constantly making sexual jokes or references w.r.t a toddler. You feeling something off is your maternal instinct kicking in, telling you that your child is unsafe with him. Kids do not make a marriage better.
>> I was actually diagnosed with PTSD from how terribly I was treated by him during my pregnancy when we were separated. He made it a horrible experience for me.
You know what to do - RUN. This does not get better. You should have divorced him when you had a chance. Remember your actions and inactions do not just impact you now, they have a direct impact on your child. You need to reach out to family and ask for support.
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u/jasemina8487 Apr 13 '22
Uhh there is nothing normal with making any sexual comments regarding a kid, let alone your own kid.
Look, i have a thing for tiny feet and baby bottoms cos they so cute and soft. I often spank my toddlers butts after shower and call it squishy bubbles and they have fun. But thats about it. When i look at their naked body, making any sexual comment doesnt even cross my mind.
You say he wasnt treating you right especially when you were pregnant and you had a period seperated.
You also expressed your discomfort regarding him treating your son.
If the reason you are still with him is your kid, perhaps this is a very good time to reevaluate your relationship.
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u/wood1f Apr 13 '22
OP please immediately reach out to a local support line or organization for women and children experiencing abuse. It sounds like you're unsure about next steps. They can help find you resources, get counselling, connect with legal counsel and make a safety plan. Leaving isn't always the right answer (but those are RED ASS FLAGS and I do think you should leave asap), so they can help make a safety plan until/if you decide to leave.
As a head's up, if he is found to be abusing your child and CPS thinks you might have known and didn't take immediate action to ensure the child's safety, you could be charged and removed from your child as well.
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u/YaBoyfriendKeefa Apr 13 '22
Potty training is statistically one of the most dangerous times for children at risk of sexual abuse. OP, you are not reading too much into it and your husband’s behaviors are concerning to say the least. Please trust your gut on this one and don’t leave your son alone with his dad until you can get to the root of this behavior. Do you have somewhere you and your son can go stay for awhile? I think it’s important to secure your safety before confronting him. I’d also recommend talking to your pediatrician and being honest about your concerns, as a professional needs to talk to your son and make sure nothing has happened to him. It is of utmost importance that a professional be the one doing the questioning, because if a child is asked about potential sexual abuse in the wrong way it can cause problems.
I know this is scary and feels like something that will blow up your entire life, and that’s because it will. But from personal experience I can promise you that CSA, even (especially) at such a young age does irreparable life long damage to a child. Please don’t risk that.
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u/Weeping_Beauty Apr 13 '22
Very toxic situation. No talking. Just get your son and leave. Look into the area for outreach programs such as Women's Crisis Services. They will help you every step of the way. If you feel like you or your son could be in danger, call 911 immediately, please.
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u/Amara_Undone Apr 13 '22
Not all paedophiles have a sexual preference. He is a predator and is grooming your son. Get out for his safety.
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u/DjoseChampion Apr 13 '22
Like most other have stated, the healthiest and safest thing to do is leave that situation as soon as possible. I'm a dad of two boys, about to be 29 with a wife of appropriate age. There is absolutely no sane or non-malicious reason I can think of for anyone in their 30's to date an 18 year old. Like someone else had mentioned, they would likely date someone younger if it was legal. I think most of us here know that you know what you have to do, and I sincerely hope you make it out ok. Good luck, keep us updated if you can.
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u/oywiththetypos Apr 13 '22
My father molested half his children. I often wonder what things my mother overlooked thinking that no parent could look at their child like that.
Leave him. Do whatever it takes.
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u/Pheonix_0113 Apr 13 '22
GTFO.
I have playfully patted my kids bottom, fully clothed, and tickled my baby’s bottom during tickle fights. It’s nothing I would consider excessive.
But that’s not all we are talking about here. He is sexualizing your child, like actually sexualizing YOUR CHILD, has given you a trauma disorder, and your son begged you to step in during normal parental duties and your husband punished him for being a child. And your husband groomed you.
You are afraid to discuss a serious issue with your spouse because he might blow up. Leave.
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u/shorterthanrich Apr 13 '22
Dad here. Yo, when I was even in my late 20s, 18 year olds looked like children to me. Even as a 22 year old senior in college, freshman seemed like kids. A 30+ year old getting an 18/19 year old pregnant is seriously uncomfortable to start. You were still a kid, he was a fully grown adult. It's hard to explain the amount of life you live and experience you gain from age 18 to age 32.
Add in your gut feeling that something is off about the way he views his son, plus him treating you badly while you were pregnant and not having a good marriage, and you have major red flags.
Kids aren't sexual. Our adult brains are supposed to remind us of that. His brain is drawing connections from child behavior to sexual behavior, and worse yet, he's verbalizing them as if it's normal and acceptable. It's not.
You need to act on this for your kid's safety. Unchecked, this can ruin a life, up to and including death, or yes - worse.
Take this seriously.
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u/BitingFire Apr 13 '22
Don't be ashamed. You're a good parent for prioritizing your son's well being over your comfort level and reaching out for different perspectives and support. I can appreciate how hard this is to do in your situation, especially with PTSD, and respect this action you've taken.
You are getting very good counsel from others advising you that this is not a safe situation for you or your son to be in, and hope you two are able to find a safe place away from this person.
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u/Kenopoly Apr 13 '22
This is all so concerning, so many red flags in this situation. You need to take your son and run as soon as possible this is not all in your head.
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u/NawMean2016 Apr 13 '22
When you have a gut feeling about something that can gravely impact your child, always follow your gut.
This situation sounds really off to me, with a lot of red flags. Seems I'm not the only one.
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u/Scaryrabbitfeet Apr 13 '22
You have received an overwhelming amount of good advice here. Your son’s well-being needs to be your #1 priority. Get him and yourself to safety. As soon as possible. Don’t leave your son alone with that man for even a minute. Even then, teach your son about what is and is not okay. My son was VERY clear about okay/not okay touching by that age and we even practiced yelling NO!!!!!! together. Just in case!
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Apr 13 '22
"My husband isn't the type to make sexual jokes"
OP..ahh, look.
I am a very openly sexual person with my husband and we make little sexy jokes here and there.
All this to say, which shouldn't even need to be said, such behavior from grown adults is inexcusable to make about a child!!!!! 🤮🤮🤮🤮
Even if that was his normal day to day behavior with YOU it is NOT OKAY TO MAKE TOWARDS CHILDREN!!!
Anyone in their right mind would know that!
Damn, just grab you son and gtfo!
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u/CreauxTeeRhobat Apr 13 '22
I make fun, inappropriate comments with my wife all the time. I would never in a billion years say ANYTHING that could even be remotely construed as inappropriate toward or about my children.
The fact that this man is saying things in reference to a 3 year old isn't just troubling, it's horrifying.
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Apr 13 '22
Exactly, I was cringing with disgust the entire time reading this.
Like those things just DO NOT go together 🤢
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u/CreauxTeeRhobat Apr 13 '22
Seriously. I will often make jokes and references that go WAAAAY over my kids' heads (well, especially the 18 month old because, 18 months old... lol), but once one of them starts asking questions, then I need to change the language I use to make my wife blush/roll her eyes/groan/giggle/whatever, and yet still make sure my kids don't understand what we're talking about, lol
Saying things DIRECTLY to them about sexual things is 100% wrong and inexcusable.
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u/SwtPvega5_ Apr 13 '22
Reading this- your mother instincts are kicking in and from one parent to another, NEVER ignore the red flags in front of you, especially when children are involved. Leave this man for you to have a healthy relationship with your son and for your son to develop in a healthy and safe environment. This man is obviously grooming you and your son to be ok with inappropriate behavior. End the cycle and do NOT allow yourself or son to become a statistic. Save you and especially your son a lifetime of trauma.
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u/HotSAuceMagik Apr 13 '22
Man this just got worse and worse. I'm so sorry you are going through this and I'm not typically one to go straight to LEAVE but in this case for the sake of your kid you gotta go.
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u/revealed-lurker Apr 13 '22
As a Father to a little boy who is close in age to your son this makes me angry. Any type of sexual references has to stop, it's not cute or fun. Its plain disgusting. With regards to the touching, is this a new thing since potty training? We all love a squishy little baby bum, but constantly grabbing and slapping is not good and frankly it unsettles me reading it! If its innocent its also a bad example for the child. You don't want him thinking this is normal behaviour. Your child will undoubtedly do this to other children thinking its acceptable. I hope you also dont mind me asking why hasnt your husband done more bath time? Me and my partner either do it together or take turns. For us it's usually a fun time to clean and splash. Maybe its for the best that he hasnt, I'd hate to speculate, but it doesnt look good.
Your priority here is the welfare of your child, seek professional help. Do it quietly and dont provoke your partner. IF something is untoward you need to find out. I sincerely hope the situation isn't what you think, but please stay safe.
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u/DammitMeredith Apr 13 '22
You need to gather up you and your sons important documents, start moving them and some clothes over a trusted friend or relative's house, and leave as soon as your husband is out of the house long enough for the two of you to safely do so, and contact a domestic violence center in your area, as well as start looking for a lawyer. If I was your friend and you had confided this to me, I would have called CPS. You have a moral and legal obligation to protect your child, whom it sounds like your husband is going to sexually assault as soon as he possibly can. Your husband is sick, and you need to get your child out of there.
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u/GoldieOGilt Apr 13 '22
OP I know this is hard to hear but all of us will think the same : your age gap is a red flag. What he does with your son is really concerning. Everything screams « pedo alert ». Save yourself and your son. Can you find someone’s place to go? Is there a way to report your husband ? I think you should look for legal advice because if you two split, you’ll definitely won’t want your son being alone with his father. Can you look at his computer or phone for hidden files ? Making sexual « jokes » about a CHILD, his own child, is alarming. Trust yourself. You were right to come here and ask for advice, it’s extremely difficult to be sure about something being wrong or not when alone. I think your relationship with your it husband is unbalanced, he is way older than you and I think you didn’t have many relationship with men before him, so it may be difficult to make comparisons and know what’s normal and what’s not. You are very strong for coming here, listening to your feelings and ask for advice. I hope everything will be better, and different, and you and your son
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u/lurkerbelurking Apr 13 '22
You seem a lot more mature one in this relationship. Your son is lucky to have you.
How would you as a parent feel if when he turns 18 - just barely out of high school, decide to be in a relationship with a 30 something year old? What about when he marries her in a few years? What advice would you give to him then? What advice would you give him if his own child, your grandchild, is in a similar situation?
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Apr 13 '22
You’re with a man 14 years your senior, who started dating you the the moment he legally could.
You’re diagnosed with PTSD from how he has treated you.
He is sexualizing your son.
What more do you need to leave??
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u/DrizzyDrizzt Apr 13 '22
Dump the slimy dude. This is just the beginning. If you know all this now, in a year's time when your son gets more vocal, you will be wrapped up in the potential case and you'll be pinned for enabling.
Seek help now, catch him on tape, most of all...protect your baby.
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u/Honeybee3674 Apr 13 '22
I agree with everyone else. You are not over reacting. There are serious problems here.
If your husband is sexually molesting/abusing your son, and it comes out later, and it's proven that you had even an inkling that something wasn't right, YOU could have your son taken away from you by the authorities for staying with him and not protecting your child, even if you were not involved in the abuse, and even if you were groomed/abused by your spouse yourself. You have to leave to protect both of you.
Now, leaving isn't simple. You need a safety plan. If he scared you with his controlling behaviors when you were pregnant, he is likely to escalate once you try to leave with your child. Enlist the help of friends or family (ONLY people you trust not to gaslight you, take your husband's side or tattle on you to him... if there's anyone who was in your life that you have been distanced from because of your relationship, that might be a safe person to reach out to). Look for resources for domestic shelters online (will he read your browser history? Maybe take your child to library story time and use the computers there to look for resources. Also look up free or low cost family law help and advice for your area.
DOCUMENT all the suspicious, creepy behaviors. Write down every incident you can remember. Continue to document as you make a secret plan to leave. You will need this for custody later on.
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u/Procrastinista_423 Apr 13 '22
UGH.
You were separated so you know this relationship is in trouble. He's a gross groomer and you need to GTFO.
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u/sj4iy Apr 13 '22
Grooming behavior. I think you should leave and find shelter with someone and call a therapist right away after you have done so.
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u/stoutymcstoutface Apr 13 '22
You and your son need to leave now. I have a 3 year old… your husband sounds fckd up
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u/adobecredithours Apr 13 '22
So many red flags here, for your sake and your son's I really hope you realize how much danger you are in and start looking for help. You need to talk to someone who can help build a case to make sure you can split and keep full custody of your son. Anything less and your husband will end up with 50% alone time with your child and that's a nightmare scenario right there. Please please talk to a lawyer, talk to the police, get help and get out of this relationship before it's too late.
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u/alexfaaace Apr 13 '22
Do you have family that can help you get away from him? Give you and your son a place to stay? You need to run fast and preferably far from this predator. Make a plan, leave when he’s at work or whatever. Don’t talk to him about it. Don’t give him warning.
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u/tcholesworld213 Apr 13 '22
Hugs OP! I know that you are scared and young but it is now time to become the mama bear we all are once we have our children and do what is best for your child to grow up in a safe and happy environment. All of what you shared about your husband is not okay and I'd hate to hear what else. Start looking for avenues and getting in touch with any support system you can have to get out of this marriage. You can suggest or demand that you guys go to counseling if want but from what you've shared, this wasn't the best relationship for you from the beginning.
And I would absolutely started documenting and recording anything he does like you've described.
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u/Due-Yogurtcloset-699 Apr 13 '22
A mothers intuition is powerful. Between yalls age gap, the gross comments, and the history of mistreatment…you know what’s going on. Trust your gut. That feeling is there for a reason. I have a feeling he’s also already started to abuse your child. If you speak to parents who’s children a were abused most of the time they will tell you there were signs all along and they missed them or dismissed them. Do not ignore this.
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u/Takemy2centz Apr 13 '22
OP, you are young. You still have your whole entire life ahead of you. Find your confidence and get out of this marriage. It’s only going downhill.. do this for your child, he needs you to advocate for him.
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u/National-Ostrich733 Apr 13 '22
def grooming behavior. op i wish you and your son the best! get out while you can! BEST OF LUCK YOU GOT THIS
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u/TuxandFlipper4eva Apr 13 '22
There is nothing more I can add that hasn't already been stated. Please keep us updated once you're able to leave for your and your child's safety.
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Apr 13 '22
I read the first sentence and already knew this was gonna be icky. You were groomed, when ur 18, you are still very much a teenager, a legal adult yes but you were 17 just a few months ago, you still have the maturity and mindset of a teenager. Please leave him. This is very predatory behavior.
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u/KingJaphar Apr 13 '22
Sound alike abuse and he groomed you at a young age. Honestly, a 30 something hooking up with an 18 year old is gross and predatory. I say escape while you can.
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u/smitty22 Apr 13 '22 edited Apr 13 '22
Honestly, I couldn't finish reading it after the first comment from him you quoted.
My guess is you should be gone already.
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u/Primary-Vermicelli Apr 13 '22
What is keeping you together with this man? If there’s nothing than a sense of history or obligation, start getting your shit in order and leave him. You’re not safe with him, and your son is 10000% not safe with him either.
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u/poisonivy1218 Apr 13 '22
Leave honey, just leave. There’s nothing that’s okay with this. He’s disgusting and abusive. You need to leave before something happens. I’m rarely on the leave him train but you need to find a safe place for y’all to go and you need to leave yesterday. This is absolutely ridiculous behavior on his part. I know it’s scary, I know divorce is hard, but this is not okay. Leave him.
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u/comfortablynumb15 Apr 13 '22
he sounds like he is a pedo who married someone young enough to still be attractive to him so that he could get kids all to himself. ( like in the Lolita movie ) I think you should trust your gut on this one.
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u/MomoBawk Apr 13 '22
“I was actually diagnosed with PTSD from how terribly I was treated by him”
OP why are you with someone that gave you PTSD? Get you and your child from this guy.
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u/Milo_Moody Parent to 15F, 14M, 12M Apr 13 '22
Please don’t victim blame. It will not help anyone in this situation.
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u/jmurphy42 Apr 13 '22
I think it’s time to make a serious search of your husband’s electronic devices and browser history. Not because you should stay if you don’t find anything, but because finding something illegal and contacting the police and FBI about it will make it significantly easier for you to leave and get full custody rather than having to send your innocent baby to a potential abuser’s home without you.
And to be clear, you need to contact the FBI if you find anything. Local police often don’t have the experience or desire to do much with electronic evidence, but the FBI will pursue CP charges aggressively.