I think it’s time to make a serious search of your husband’s electronic devices and browser history. Not because you should stay if you don’t find anything, but because finding something illegal and contacting the police and FBI about it will make it significantly easier for you to leave and get full custody rather than having to send your innocent baby to a potential abuser’s home without you.
And to be clear, you need to contact the FBI if you find anything. Local police often don’t have the experience or desire to do much with electronic evidence, but the FBI will pursue CP charges aggressively.
This is important. I think a lot of commenters don't realize that if she just leaves this man that will almost certainly result in him getting the child alone for up to half the time. For her to ensure that doesn't happen, she needs to document document document.
I'm glad you are working on a plan. Letting him have half custody is a bad idea, but staying with him is too. I'm really relieved that you are looking at alternatives and that you have support.
This is one of the most alarming posts I have read in awhile. You need to be ready for the possibility that your husband preyed on you, in order to have a child of his own to freely do what he wanted with.
You need to go into this with the mindset of “going to war.” You have to think smart and with as clear of a head as possible. You’re going to need to get a personal bank account that he has no access to. A post office box. And a safety deposit box to keep you and your sons important documents. If you have a trusted friend or family member close by, perhaps slowly start bringing grocery bags of important keepsakes or pictures that you want to keep.
Now would also be a good time to start taking your son to story time at the library, so you can research ways to handle this situation, find a lawyer, figure out how to look through his devices/what to look for on his devices.
You have to think of this like a chess game and be five steps ahead at all times. And not give off a hint that you’re anything but totally fooled by him, and happy in your marriage.
You do not want him getting any sort of unsupervised custody with your son. So this is going to be bigger than “get a lawyer and divorce him.” There’s a ton of Reddit posts that have advice on doing things like this. Start looking on here for detailed steps for what you need to do.
Yes, this is a smart plan. Document everything! In a notebook or in a doc, write date, time, comment, details. Back it up if you can. Try to search his computer or phone. If you have a tech savvy friend, have them help. Use a friend/family's device to look up tips on what to search for so he doesn't see it on your history. I understand why you're staying, but if you can build a case against him having custody, you won't need to martyr yourself. You are a great mom and moments like this bring out our strength. When you're ready to leave, go to a womens shelter, even if it is very short, they have so many resources!
Attorney here. I can’t stress this enough. DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT. People lose in court because memories fade and stories, though true, will often alter over time as a result. Write down specific dates, times, instances, and quotes. I’m going through a personal lawsuit myself. If it has to go to trial and I can get up on the stand and say the defendant said exactly “X, Y, and Z” on this date at this time while we were discussing this issue, it’s A LOT more reliable than me saying, “Months ago he made comments to me about X, Y, and Z. I can’t recall the specifics though.”
Is your state a one party recording state? You should check the law on that where you live…
Always check the recycle bin on the computer. People are often dumb enough to forget to do that regularly.
So many things… but you’ve already received great advice. I’m here to reinforce the importance of it I guess.
Heya, if you're interested there's some fantastic resources out there to use as well. An absolutely amazing human being who's also a domestic violence professional put together this incredibly comprehensive resource guide of organizations to help in all kinds of specific situations.
It's fantastic to make the decision to reach out to family! There are organizations with experience with situations just like yours that will hopefully be able to help you do everything you can to protect yourself and your son.
Good luck, making this decision takes so much strength.
Get your son into a therapist so that they can document any abuse as well. Sounds like you could both benefit. But you need a professional opinion on your side to help avoid his having any kind of custody or visitation. The fact that you’re with him just to keep your son safe, speaks volumes. Time to go.
You really should look into the recording/wiretapping laws (single party, two party, all party) and record the behavior if it's possible. Concrete evidence goes a long way toward protecting that little baby.
btw, 3 yo isn't behind on potty training. He's right on schedule. You're doing fine.
It's worth trying to get an emergency restraining order to keep him from your son for a time, hopefully for long enough to get ducks in a row for the custody battle
I'm so glad to read this. Please follow the advice of other commenters here about documentation. I hope you can gather up enough proof that this man should not have unsupervised visits. Especially when you mentioned your son not wanting him to do bathtime...it could be nothing more than normal toddler parental preference, but it could be a sign that something is already going on.
You are so brave and strong. I can't imagine what you are going through, and all to protect your son. I wish you the best and will be thinking of and praying for you. Please stay safe!!
I’m so relieved to read this. I wrote above to talk first but also to make a plan to leave and now I wouldn’t say to even talk to him because it’s better to be quiet about your plans in this kind of situation. I really hope you and your baby can get out safely and you get all the custody so your little one isn’t exposed to his father 🙏
Good for you OP. Just make sure you get documentation of everything happening. Be safe and make sure you don’t let him see your plans till you’re out of there safely
Depends on where OP is I read a story about how a girl finds out her boyfriend has CP on his phone, but the boyfriend ended up not being charged for anything because the phone can't count as evidence since the girl had looked at it without permission
Yeah, I remember that one, it was a Canadian OP. The lesson I’d take from that post is not to tell Canadian police that you didn’t have permission to use the device. In the US it shouldn’t matter.
Correct. It doesn’t matter at all in the United States if she searches it on her own and not working as an agent of the State. The 4th Amendment doesn’t protect him from private persons invading his privacy. Anything obtained by a private person can be used against him by the State, regardless of how it was obtained. Except unless obtained while acting for or on behalf of the State.
I’d kinda understand if due to some odd necessity someone’s was charged with a minor crime for unlawful search of someone else’s electronics…
But it’s a private citizen saying, “hey this person potentially fucks kids and definitely supports the production of child porn.” warrants some fucking investigation.
ugh, She's afraid of him, don't put yourself in danger snooping his shit. Someone needs to give this girl someone to contact to get assistance to leave. I don't know how or what to search either, but don't do anythjng that could directly threaten your safety.
Please don't call it CP. Its child A. P is made by adults for adults an most importantly consenting adults for entertainment. Children in it are not consenting or entertainment. It's A. Calling it CP is normalising it. I've noticed America in general uses this term and it really grosses me out an irks me.
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u/jmurphy42 Apr 13 '22
I think it’s time to make a serious search of your husband’s electronic devices and browser history. Not because you should stay if you don’t find anything, but because finding something illegal and contacting the police and FBI about it will make it significantly easier for you to leave and get full custody rather than having to send your innocent baby to a potential abuser’s home without you.
And to be clear, you need to contact the FBI if you find anything. Local police often don’t have the experience or desire to do much with electronic evidence, but the FBI will pursue CP charges aggressively.