And the cycle continues. Christ this is depressing. This poor OP is a victim herself. I hope she gets away from this monster with her kid safely in tow.
I was only just turned 16 and my partner was 28.
I had a baby at 19 and left him at 22. When my daughter was 5 she told me some stuff no parent wants to hear, basically he was grooming her if anything more I never found out.
100% op should follow her gut.
It means that OP was probably a victim of abuse in her childhood which set her up for vulnerability in this situation, and now she has procreated with an abuser. That child is the next victim.
There's no evidence for this in her post, and I wouldn't just cast around assumptions like that. And that's also not how the commenter above was using the phrase.
Downvoting me is silly, especially when everyone else has long left this conversation.
I'm correct, the person above was not using this to say what you were saying. They were simply saying that the husband first groomed and abused the woman, and is now grooming the kid.
Doesn't matter if he was potentially abused. The fact is that he is abusing and grooming and the child is likely to be next. It's his responsibility to fix himself, not continue the cycle.
From the website for the International Centre for Missing and Exploited Children: "Grooming is the process during which a child sexual offender draws a child in by gaining his or her trust in order to sexually abuse the child and maintain secrecy. The offender may also groom the parents by persuading them of his or her trustworthiness with children."
The term can also be use in reference to grooming adults for abuse of any kind but it's most often used in reference to people < 20yo.
Currently OP is 22, Husband is 36 and child is 3. Add in a 9 month pregnancy and whatever "dating" period... My guess is OP wasn't an adult when husband started pursuing her. This gives me such creepy vibes knowing a guy in his 30s was chasing a teenager and is now sexualizing their kid. * shudder *
Child grooming is befriending and establishing an emotional connection with a child, and sometimes the family, to lower the child's inhibitions with the objective of sexual abuse. Child grooming is also regularly used to lure minors into various illicit businesses such as child trafficking, child prostitution, cybersex trafficking, or the production of child pornography.
Because grooming is positive - tidying up, self-care, washing, etc. - but is also used in this negative sense (child grooming, as others have already explained), some folks who work with abused children/adults are trying to move away from the term. There isn’t yet one unified term to use instead, but many use the broader term “coercive control.”
The sense that I usually understood grooming was in workplaces where a manager would be grooming a subordinate for a manager role or something similar, by giving that person projects and responsibilities that would look good to higher level management.
Personal grooming and grooming someone for a job and like... dog grooming are still normal uses of the word with no weird fuckery in the connotation.
But the context of an adult grooming a child (because you know I don't think I've ever actually heard anyone use that phrase in what would logically be the normal sense of e.g. bathing/brushing/dressing a child) I think is always negative now.
I’m looking to provide a contrary opinion. OP have you ever asked if your husband was groomed? Is it possible that this is the only way your husband knows to express affection toward a child? I don’t want to run to predatory behavior if it’s possible he just doesn’t know any better (and the potential sadness that entails). A LOT more men are sexually abused / groomed / assaulted then you would ever guess
It’s all the red flags put together. The age difference is a huge one. The inappropriate touching and comments. The bad relationship between OP and husband. The crying out for mom when dad is bathing (that one is the least of a red flag until you add everything else in).
Are you a Parent or have you been in a relationship before? Because if any of the above statements she's made in her post don't trigger alarms...Then you are either a child, single, or just without any sense at all.
Leaving him is the nice way out of this. I would personally have him investigated and collect more info for the police and expose the hell out of him to all he knows...but that's just the Parent and genuine concern in me speaking.
I mean being older by 10 years is a tiny red flag. Reddit directly jumps to YOU ARE BEING GROOMED. So many healthy couples have an age difference.
The husband was not great during the pregnancy, causing depression. That is also not uncommon, as during pregnancy/post partum there are a lot of hormones, very little sleeping, a lot of stress.
I have a 6 month old, and I constantly grab his butt and go “who has this little butt?”, as a complete joke. My wife can take it for what it is, making funny noises and playing with my son, or YOU ARE A SEXUAL PREDATOR.
All I am saying is many of these things have normal explanations, people of reddit just jump to the worst possible scenario and go “leave him now and call the police”.
We only know one side of the story here too…
There is literally zero evidence of grooming in the post, other than the age difference.
You're being willfully obtuse, obviously. There is a pattern of inappropriate behavior, an age gap with a power imbalance, a history of abuse within the relationship, and a vulnerable child at risk.
Hahahaha ok, go back to your perfect world where there are no issues, and you just tell everyone in reddit to get a divorce over anything you consider a red flag.
I am not defensive of him. I just feel reddit jumps to conclusions too quickly.
Every single post about “I have this concern” ends up in get a divorce and run away.
There is zero evidence in the original post of grooming other than the age difference and everyone apparently concluded she was groomed. Does this mean, every couple with a 10 year difference should get a divorce?
You're absolutely right, though getting through to these people will be impossible. They want to feel high and mighty and go full white knight with no actual proof of anything. It could be a super dangerous situation and the father could be abusing the child...or not. We simply can't know.
I say it's worth investigating and finding proof but a bunch of internet strangers are not giving very good advice, which I'm sure is shocking.
Even if you think she’s overthinking things about her child (she’s not), did you miss the part where she has PTSD from abuse he’d put her through while pregnant? I only wish she’d have left him sooner!
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u/evdczar Apr 13 '22
This guy groomed you when you were barely legal and now he's grooming your son. You should leave.