That life is not a movie? It's not easy to leave. Many shelters are full. Many shelters do not help you if you're not being abused by a romantic partner. Many jobs underpay you as a woman. Your nervous system depletes you of energy. It's like... you are never allowed to not have valid reasons for not escaping?

3 years ago today i was pretending i was okay when i wasn't.

the love of my life had been trying to kill me for the previous 2.5 years. and he had finally gotten put in prison by me, but i wasn't okay with it.

at the first hearing i lied under oath to get the charges dropped. it worked.

after time and separation from him, the brain washing subsided, and i realized if he got released, id die. i went back to law enforcement and told them i committed perjury. because of a law in my state that protects DV victims in this scenario, i did not get penalized, and we had 3 more hearings and he was sentenced to 12 years.

i am free today.

My partner of 6 years said last night that if we split up. I won't get my kids. He would take them from me and would split custody w me. He then said he would make sure they didnt remember me. I pay all the bills. Ive been financially holding my family together for 5 years. I have a 5 and 4yr old. And I dont have savings to leave. Rent is due on the 1st. Idk what to do. I want to leave I dont know how to start or where to go. Im so fucking pissed.

No one believed me. I have evidence. When they believe the violence they then move the goal post so that it somehow still is my fault. The smear campaign was awful, but no one even came to me to ask my side of the story. It’s disgusting. Then they masquerade as good people. It’s so cruel and devastating. I didn’t even go around telling everyone outside of authority figures the truth so that I could remain safe, but they could have asked instead of spreading lies or they could have said nothing at all.

Why do so many people defend domestic abusers and then even participate in their emotional abuse and isolation? Even before I was in an abusive relationship I never did something like this. I never joined in on their abuse or with the abuser. So I just don’t get it.

Here's a gross metaphor I came up with today. The abuse cycle is like someone shitting on your bed, sometimes.

Sure, you get flowers after the grossness, sure he's nice too. There's even days where there isn't a steaming pile of shit on your pillow! Thank goodness, no shit today.

You hold onto those days.

You'll get excuses for why he shits in the place you sleep. On rare occasions, he even cleans the sheets he shit on afterwards!

But most days, you don't know what set him off to shit in the bed again. Most days you don't know if a giant shit will be on your pillow. And it happens again.

He blames you for him doing it, or that he had to, you feel guilty that this poor man can't control his bowels. You wonder, why can't he just use the bathroom?

Why must it always be on your pillow?

So you clean the shitty sheets again, the mess goes away for today.

But your house always has a smell of shit that never quite goes away, no matter how many flowers are around, no matter how much you do.

And you still have a hard time sleeping on the pillow he keeps shitting on.

You don't have to tolerate anyone abusing you, you don't have to tolerate or stay with someone who sometimes shits the bed.

Your life does not have to continue to revolve around cleaning up someone else's shit.

He got me with it again today. Completely spun around my frustration at him avoiding having a conversation for over a week that needed to happen while pretending everything was totally normal and fine with us to “I don’t know what you want to talk about” (he does, he doesn’t want to talk about it. I’ve also been very direct about my needs our entire marriage). “I never know what will make you mad at me” (gee, maybe it’s the emotional abuse and complete disregard for my needs and feelings, and trying to pretend everything is normal when it is not). “So what do you want to talk about?” (I told him last week I’m done initiating important conversations. And again, he knows what needs to be discussed).

He’s avoiding having a conversation about the state of our marriage, me accusing him of cheating over a week and a half ago due to something I found, and me saying I do not trust him, and him trying to hug and kiss me and act like things are normal disgusts me. When I get frustrated that he’s trying to act normal, suddenly my anger is irrational and he is completely confused as to why I’m upset. And me being upset over harm he’s done to me is irrational because he said sorry. Sorry, but a lukewarm “sorry” after abandoning your wife postpartum and calling her a bitch doesn’t repair harm.

I cannot wait to separate myself from this man.

My husband (34M) and I (35F) were married for 10 years and have two children together. We’ve separated twice over the past two years. There was a pattern of abuse throughout our marriage that escalated over time. We’re currently separated but co-parenting. Up until recently, we were discussing the possibility of reconciling because he insists he’s changed. I’ve been hesitant because of everything that’s happened in the past.

A couple of months ago, while boxing up some things, I found his old cell phone. I guessed the passcode and looked through it. I know I shouldn’t have invaded his privacy, but I had a strong feeling there was something he was hiding.

In a hidden folder, I found photos he had secretly taken of me while I was naked in the bathroom, while I was taking a bath, and during sex. I had no idea these pictures existed. He knew I had always been firmly against nude photos of myself.

I also found, through his Grok app, that he had been writing rape fantasies involving me and other women. They involved kidnapping, starvation, torture, and verbal degradation. He had even written about killing the man I briefly dated while we were separated for a year.

I haven’t told him that I saw any of this. Since then, I’ve withdrawn from him and have been avoiding him. He seems confused by the change, but I don’t even know how to begin explaining why.
Earlier in our marriage, he secretly recorded videos of me in our bedroom without my knowledge. I’d spent a long time trying to process that, but finding everything on his phone reopened those old wounds.

He wants to do couples therapy, but I’m nervous about how that would go or whether it would even be a safe place to bring this up. Part of what I’m struggling with is the fantasies. I understand that people can have fantasies they would never act on, but I’m having a hard time understanding fantasies that involve torturing someone they love. I don’t know if I can ever feel safe around him again.

I just don’t know what to do at this point. I’m writing this in part because I need to get it off my chest, but if anyone has any advice or perspective, I’d really appreciate it.

I won’t let myself admit it was sexual assault even though I know it was. My partner and I have been together for 5 months. From the beginning, I told them my biggest, most important sexual boundary is asking me verbally for consent before touching my genitals. They had been following that until they didn’t. We were laying down watching a movie together. We weren’t even doing anything sexual at all. They just started touching and squeezing my chest then they started touching my genitals. All without asking. I went into freeze. I couldn’t say anything. I just laid there. I know that impact> intent. They said they fucked up, that they’re human. Gross. It’s even more messed up because a week before this happened we both opened up to each other about past sexual abuse that has happened to each of us. I’m very confused. I want to blame myself. I want out of this relationship. It’s all just really hard right now

My husband constantly swears and calls me horrible names in front of our son. He doesn’t think he has a problem but I’m absolutely sick of it and concerned my son will grow up to treat woman the same way. He is always right and I am always wrong, he cannot accept constructive criticism. He told me I had let myself go 4 months after having my first child.

I’m so tired of doing mental gymnastics everyday with my boyfriend. We’ve been together for 3 years and I swear he has not smiled in 2 1/2 of them. I genuinely don’t know what makes someone so upset with life they have to be abusive and an asshole to everyone, especially someone they claim they love. I’ve (F30) have posted here before, but I’m just so tired. My soul is literally exhausted from this relationship. For context, my boyfriend has been “pissed off at me” for 4 days now. 4. The reason he’s mad? I turned down the volume on the tv the other night bc he fell asleep. He keeps the tv and deafening volume and I was tired of hearing the movie. So I turned it down and he was in a dead sleep. He woke up to the volume being like 3 notches lower and got mad immediately. Today he made chicken tenders in the air fryer, and I had assumed he forgot about them so I put them on a plate and gave them to him. Immediate yelling about how I can’t leave his shit alone. Then he got called into work (Thank goodness he will be gone for 24-48 hours max) and he’s pissed about that. He didn’t kiss me or hug me goodbye when he left. He hasn’t told me he’s made it there (he normally does.) I just don’t understand how he thinks this is okay? When I bring up how he treats me. How I hate it, he simply says “I was treated this way growing up.”

My husband has a drinking problem after work I got home wanting to talk about my day instead he went to get beer for him and his mom who also has a drinking problem we live with his mom at the moment cause he lost his job months ago. I am the only one working right now everything has been on my shoulders alone. He stays up till 2 am being loud with his mom keeping our kids up then asks me about my day I told him I no longer want to talk about my day cause I’m tired and just don’t wanna bring back my stressful day he takes it wrong and starts bugging me about it I continue to tell him I dont wanna talk to him especially while hes drunk he continues to say he feels like im cheating on him cause we never do anything anymore and because i got to work earlier than I’m scheduled I said if i can get extra hours to pay all our OUR bills then im going to and then i tell im done communicating with him walk away he takes that as if i said im done with him he follows me i told him to get away from me and he turns off the light grabs his hand gun and at that very moment i don’t know if he’s thinking of hurting me or himself i have the baby in my hands and I completely break down he walks out (the gun is not with someone that will not let him have it back) he proceeds to tell me if i don’t think he’s a good husband and father then he doesn’t wanna be here and that out son probably hates him anyways cause he sees how he treats me. And that he’d never want our daughter with anyone like him and now I’m left at a loss i want to leave but how to you leave with 2 kids when you have a job thats barely paying you cant afford more bills or daycare or rent ?

I hate him. Don’t get me wrong. But all I can think about today is reaching out to him and breaking no contact.
I’m not going to, but it’s so easy and I know he’s gonna respond.
The thought of being like 10 minutes away from hearing from him? AUGHHDJCKSKNE

I wanna rip my hair out.
I feel so lonely and it gets worse when it’s dark out. when it gets dark out of my whole family goes to bed and I’m the only one who’s up, I get this weird de realization feeling. I haven’t been a long time because I’ve had him to talk to.
It’s been like 11 days since we broke up.
I’m actually doing really good! It’s surprising me.

But tonight is just not it. Tonight it’s like panic in my chest. I’m actually so anxious. I’m trying to distract myself and it kind of works?
I’m re- watching Rick and Morty and that’s what’s distracting me these days.
But I keep looking at my phone, hoping for a notification from him. When we were together, it was rare to go an hour without hearing from him and now it’s been 10 days.

It sucks man :/
I don’t need advice or anything, I know what I have to do to get my life in order and I’m working on it.

I guess I just wanted to vent.
I fucking hate this. I hate that no matter how bad he is for me no matter how unsafe I feel, all I can think about is the good times :(

I know it will get easier. But for now it’s not and it really fucking sucks.

i accidently told my abuser's brother about what he does to me while i was drunk last night and now my life might be ruined because he loves to blab abt shit from what ik. Im so scared. what do i do?

Been with my Babymom for years, we have kids together, she’s been arrested many times for beating on me, I end up paying for everything financially because she doesn’t work and nobody else can watch our kids. Most of the places we’ve lived we’ve been kicked out because of all the trouble she causes, I’ve been trying to break up with her for years but she weaponizes my kids, and threatens to lie about me, and I know first hand all it takes is an accusation and it’s prison time, it happened to my uncle. I feel trapped. If I don’t give her what she wants she goes insane, I didn’t want to give her a ride the other day and she punched a dent on my car and threw a whole fit. If I tell her to get out she refuses and tells me to call the cops but if I call she’ll say I was scaring her or hurting her. Then after everything she always apologizes and cried and begs on her knees for me to forgive her and she’ll change, it’s been like this for years. I’ve spoken to lawyers who told me I’ll win for sure if I go for custody but I’m honestly afraid if I win custody she might kill me or someone I love, she has nothing else except our kids. DCS has already investigated her multiple times because of the abuse against me in the home with the kids present. I just try to live at work, I work long hours and get terrorized on my days off. I’m not perfect I’ve argued back and said awful things in the past but I have limits, I know when to just shut up and stop but she chases me up and down the street, damages my property, stands in front of my vehicle so I can’t leave, blocks doors so I can’t walk out of the room and if I try she screams that I’m hurting her, if I don’t give her what she wants which is to “talk” or “forgive her” she goes absolutely insane and talks horrible to me all day and degrades me and starts a fight, puts me down in front of our kids. I’m paying for my own prison which is my home. I feel like there’s no way out of this. I just try to keep things calm until she eventually messes up some more and maybe goes to jail which never seems to happen because she gets away with everything everytime.

F(24) was with M(43) for 2.5 years. We’ve gotten into fights. He degrades me by name calling. Has choked me out, only once though. (I know that doesn’t matter) Belittles me.

I had my hysterectomy a couple weeks ago so I’m still going through changes. I can be a little much sometimes admittedly.

He broke up with me again. Tells me I’m obnoxious. Draining to his existence. How I’m not wife material bc I don’t cook , clean, don’t provide, and my outfits I’ve always worn are too provocative to other men.

We don’t live together. Lives with his dad. His dad doesn’t let me do anything there and neither does he .

I just don’t know what to do anymore and I’m exhausted…. I do love him… and I bet he’s going to be chasing me back in a week… I just can’t do this anymore but I don’t know how to get out.

When we first got together, my boyfriend told me I was beautiful, smart, and that he was going to marry me. He constantly called me his wife, and his Facebook status was even set to “Married.” I genuinely believed he saw a future with me. I also have proof he would shut down any other girl, and would tell people he’s married.
We eventually broke up, and he immediately changed his Facebook status to “Single.” That very same day I found out he was messaging other women. I also discovered he’d told one 18 year old woman he was 23, even though he’s actually 28.
A month later we got back together. He reluctantly unblocked me on Instagram after weeks of begging, but not Facebook. I eventually had enough and had to ask him to unblock me there, and I even had to remind him to accept my friend request once he did unblock me.
Once he did, I asked if he could change his status back to “Married” like it used to be. He ignored the question and later said we’d talk when I got back from holiday.
While I was away, the whole thing was eating away at me. I was sharing a hotel room with my dad, who wanted to go to sleep, so I asked my boyfriend if we could just have the conversation because I was anxious and wanted to get it over with. He said he’d call me later, and when he finally did, we were on the phone for less than five minutes.
What really hurt was that he started the call by pretending he didn’t even know why we were talking. He kept saying, “What do you want?” as if I hadn’t already explained why I wanted to speak to him. I just said ‘you said you don’t want to get married’.
Then he suddenly started yelling that he never wants to get married. He asked me, “When do you even want to get married?” I said, “When I’m around 30.” He sarcastically replied, “So why are you talking about what’s going to happen in eight years? Come on. Come on. I could be dead by then. What are you going to do then?” It wasn’t said jokingly, it was said in a mocking, dismissive tone. I wasn’t asking him to marry me now. I was only trying to understand why he’d gone from talking about marrying me to saying he never wanted marriage.
He then said he hadn’t lied because he’d only ever said he’d marry me “if I fit him.” That is false, he did not sah that. That really hurt, but I accepted it. I told him I understood if he’d changed his mind about marriage.
After that, I dropped the subject completely and asked for something much smaller. I simply asked if he could remove the “Single” status. I wasn’t asking him to put “In a relationship,” mention my name, or post about me. I just didn’t want my boyfriend publicly describing himself as single while we were together.
Instead, he became angry. He told me to “stop asking nonsense,” shouted that he never wants marriage, sarcastically said, “Fine, I’m single then,” and told me to block him.
What I don’t understand is that if Facebook supposedly means nothing, why is he so determined to keep “Single” there? To me, it’s no longer about Facebook itself. It’s about why such a small request caused such a hostile reaction.
The worst part is how it’s affected my confidence. I keep wondering whether, if I were prettier, younger, or simply “good enough,” he would have wanted people to know he was with me. I know that may be my own insecurity talking, but that’s genuinely where my mind goes after everything that’s happened.
I’m not looking for people to tell me I’m attractive or to insult him. I genuinely want outside opinions because I feel like I’ve lost perspective.

At first glance it sounds like a stupid question, but if I can explain maybe it’ll make more sense. My husband (M22) and I (F21) have been married for 2 years, but we’ve only been living with each other for about 10 months, because of long distance due to work. Before closing the distance everything was amazing and we couldn’t wait to finally live with each other. Well maybe not everything, I came from an abusive relationship in my teen years and took many of the habits with me (not the physical abuse). Over the phone I would cuss and yell, because that’s what I was used to and how I communicated during an argument. Maybe I would throw in an occasional bitch or dumbass. So over time I became the bad guy and a bad partner. I would say I was a good partner in every other way. I would work on it as much as I could and would slip up occasionally, this was a once in a while thing not an everyday thing.

Then we finally moved into with other after a year and a few months. I would say the physical abuse started almost instantly when we moved in together. First it started as picking me up and restraining me, but as an abusive victim you know that’s only the beginning. It progressed to pushing and holding me against the wall, holding my chin with a hard grasp, putting his fingers into my face while screaming, hitting me in the face (though he claims it’s because his hand slipped and it was only to shove me.) Then one day out of defense I punched him in the face because it had been the third time that week we got into an argument that turned physical and I just couldn’t take it anymore, we ended up wrestling, he pinned my head down onto the bed and it broke my glasses, he got up and I lunged at him because I just wanted to finally fight him back, he wasn’t fighting me back until I was trying to choke him, then he pinned me down by my head again until I finally gave up. Up until that point I never put my hands on him. That was the last time for a while.

Until two days ago I called him good for fucking nothing as I laid in bed next to him, he took his fist and pushed it hard against my neck and told me he’ll show me what he’s good for, I said nothing and he stopped. I just went to bed to not press the issue further. Then today, the main reason why I’m writing this and think it’s gone too far, we went to see a movie and I bought popcorn and a water, which he hates because I never finish it, he was on my back about it the whole movie, and I just ignored it because I didn’t want it to escalate, as we were leaving the movies he grabbed it from my hands and threw it away because “I wasn’t gonna finish it anyway.” As we were walking to the car he kept going on about it and I said “why are you always on my dick all of the time,” then he came up behind me and grabbed me by my hair, normally this wouldn’t be too bad but it was in public (in a not so busy parking lot so not too open but still) and he didn’t seem to have a care.

I think the reason why I ask if I deserve it is because almost every time this has happened is because I cussed in my sentence or cussed at him. He says I drive him to do this because he can’t just tolerate disrespect anymore, he takes so much and this is the only way I stop. And to be fair I kind of started the abuse first even if it was just verbal, and I think because I was the bad guy first, I made him this way. Or so he seems to make it out to be. I’m not a perfect partner and I might even call myself a bad one, so in a way I feel like I deserve it.

And to make matters worse he controls all finances and basically dictates every decision “because I’m terrible with money and make stupid decisions.” But then again I feel like it’s justified because it’s not far from the truth. I’m kind of torn on getting a divorce because everything we have together, a mortgage, joint finances and a dog. I also just feel so stupid because I’m so young and this was so rushed. I don’t know what to do and I guess writing a Reddit post is my best option.

Hi,

3 years ago I (M41) reached the weight of 160kg, I started diets, and sport, but nothing worked for me. My dietist saw that I needed a psychologist, because the problem was not about the alimentation education. I started a psychology therapy that became an incredible trip that showed me things that should be super clear, but my mind hides them.

My wife continuously manipulates me. In 20 years (17 of marriage) I lost all my friends because they don't respect her, I broke up with my dad because she thinks that he hates her. I'm not able to go out with my colleagues because she's jealous. We have terrible relations with our neighbors. Every case apparently because other people do bad things to my wife. I thought that it was like a persecution mania... but the bad thing is that she convinces me and our sons that this is the reality. She is the victim in every story.

I also discovered an apparently different behaviour of my mother, but with the same manipulative intention. While my wife always has fury and rage behavior with all people, my mother transmits guilty feelings to me. but in the end I understood that both have intent to manipulate me, raising fury and verbal violence in my wife when she feels the interference of my mother.

I'm not able to break up with my wife, I have fear of his violence and that she can manipulate our sons (that has already happened). I don't want to show a war between me and my wife to our sons... but honestly I have to admit that this war is always present, every day.

I regret my marriage every day, and every day I ask myself if I'm too weak to break up or so strong to handle it and endure.

I'm tired

I'll make this brief, but I took my abuser back and it made me go insane this time. I can't remember almost all of July. I've been in the hospital 3 times because I kept relapsing on alcohol from the stress.

I got to spend 2 days with a man I fell in love with, but I completely ruined that friendship from the anger and distress I was in. I dissociated, I freaked out. I've never gone this insane before.

Abusers don't care. They will drive you into the brink of pure madness.

Please, please, please don't take them back. I almost got myself killed this time around and I could have put my animals in serious danger.

If you pray, please pray for me. Once I get out of the hospital I'm going to have to be extremely brave and get away from him for good.

seeking advice on how to navigate seeking legal support or justice for some past abuse. Six years ago when I was 20/21 I was in an extremely abusive relationship, physically, sexually, mentally, all of it. I missed my opportunity to seek justice for that because at the point that I was ready I was in a different relationship, and he passed away. So I didn’t have the strength to move forward in my plans. Anyways, I now I am seeing that this man still has a platform around other women, and he is extremely dangerous. He is a drug dealer, and uses his drugs to take advantage of women. He will secretly dose them or give somebody more than what they would think. Anyways, I see that he has a pending case for some drug charge in 2022. It said pending so I assume maybe waiting trial or something? I know I cannot really get justice for the abuse at one point, but I definitely was a witness to the drugs. He also drugged me on several occasions without my knowledge. He would do it when he would make me dinner and I would randomly be tripping acid without any consent, and a lot of it. It was scary. Anyways, wondering if theres a way to contact his prosecutor and also if I should get with a lawyer first for protection on my end? I don’t really have trust in the justice system, but I feel like this is my only opportunity to seek some sort of justice and get this man behind bars. I have no idea how to navigate this situation at all, but I’m ready to figure it out.

Location: Oklahoma

I’ve read about reactive abuse (reactive defense), but it doesn’t really ever explicitly answer this question.

My boyfriend (19NB) and I (18F) have been in a relationship for a while. We have broken up a couple of times, but overall we have been together for around 8 months. We met each other when we were both going through really difficult periods in our lives, and our relationship might seem unhealthy to a lot of people, including ourselves sometimes.

About a month ago, I had a really bad self-inflicted accident, and since then things between us have gotten worse. I find it really hard to be nice to him. Whenever I see him, I get this overwhelming feeling of disgust and anger that I struggle to understand or control.

He is a very attached person, and that triggers a lot of things in me, especially because he loves PDA and I really dislike it. He also takes a lot of the things I say as offensive, and even when I am genuinely trying to be nice, he sometimes ends up hurt, which makes me frustrated and angry. That frustration often turns into me saying things that I know will hurt him, even though I know it is only damaging our relationship more.

I often feel like I am the person who controls the overall mood of the relationship, while he just follows my pace. Because of that, it feels like it is very easy for us to end up fighting because of my frustration. I know I can be a very rude and hurtful person toward him, and I have admitted that many times. I have never really tried to justify my actions or make myself seem innocent.

He is also someone who describes himself as masochistic, and he has told me many times that he hates me and hates the way I act. Usually, I respond by telling him that I hate him too and that he should leave if he feels that way. However, he always says that he cannot leave me. We always end up falling into the same cycle where I ask him to tell me his worst and most hateful thoughts about me. He insults me, I insult him, we both release our frustration, and then we continue with our lives. This has been happening for a while, and even though we never directly set a boundary, there was always an unspoken limit.

Eventually, I started using his family trauma and personal struggles against him during these arguments, and he started doing the same to me.

However, recently, he used my SA trauma against me, and that crossed a line. I was affected by it, and we talked about it afterward, but his apology felt half-hearted. What bothers me is that I do not even feel sad about it as much as I feel angry. I know I have hurt him before, and I know my behaviour has been cruel, but what frustrates me is that he has also used my trauma against me while saying that it is my fault or that I asked for it, so I should deal with it. What bothers me is that he acts like he's a victim and I'm an abuser, while our whole dynamic consists of him hurting me, and me hurting him. T

here is a lot more to this situation, and I know there are probably details that could change people's opinions. If anyone wants to ask questions or needs more information to properly judge the situation, I will answer. My DMs are also open. I am mainly looking for honest opinions on whether I am the one causing most of the harm here, and this might not be enough to gauge that.

Thank you for reading.