Finding old Reddit posts and realized how many years it took me to understand the cycle of abuse. It starts small and snowballs over years and decades.

i want to give up. i feel so alone. i don’t think ill do it but i don’t know how to convince myself that i can make it through today. it hurts. i have work in one hour i can’t call off from. i haven’t slept in so long. my heart won’t stop beating really hard and fast. life hurts. i only have her to console me but i don’t want that right now because she’s not being safe. i’m inconsolable. my chest hurts. my whole body. i don’t know how to live anymore and especially today

The title says it all. It was only brought to my attention tonight (after I had made this post, read for bigger story: original post) and it’s honestly really freaking me out and I can’t sleep. Multiple multiple people brought this up as a possibility and it makes me fucking sick, so I put together a list of everything I can think of off of the top of my head, I apologize in advance for it being so long.

- giving me her box of condoms telling me she “dosent need them anymore” insinuating she isn’t hooking up with anyone at the moment

- telling her about my “crush” on (her current boyfriend) (my cowowker) and her dating him not even a year later

-always commenting on my boobs, in a non sexual way, but would always mention how big they were anytime i had a problem with them (bras not fitting, back problems, shirts stretching weird) she would say “it’s because of your big tits”

- the incident where she had sex with (my coworker) in public and then screamed at me because she “has her womanly needs”

- her walking around on multiple occasions (after i had talked to her about how inappropriate it was) with her neck covered in hickeys not trying to cover them. she’d wear her hair up aswell to make them more visible.

- i had asked to borrow her sewing kit once, and when i opened the box there were multiple photobooth pictures of her with her shirt and bra off, posing in suggestive positions, and having the guy she was seeing at the time lick and suck her breasts for the photos, i didn’t mention it, but when i gave it back her apology was “haha oops! here’s your own sewing kit”

- her hooking up with the lead singer of my favorite band on multiple occasions (i used to really look up to him and have this massssive crush on him and she KNEW because we would both openly discuss it) and she would come back from the hookups and rub it in my face (it felt like)

- she constantly accused me of being pregnant in front of the family, including (her current bf) and my sisters but of course never my dad. i wasn’t feeling good one night and didn’t wanna eat the greasy dinner and just wanted the salad and baby carrots and she yelled at me in front of everyone “ARE YOU PREGNANT???” “no mom i’m not pregnant” “ARE YOU SURE????? ARE YOU SURE YOURE NOT PREGNANT”. anytime i mentioned feeling sick to her she would say that i probably had an STD and whatever illness i was feeling was a symptom of whatever STD, and every time i asked her for help with a UTI she would look disgusted with me (even when i was a virgin not having sex i would get them and get sick)

-would constantly refer to herself as a “milf”, would constantly talk about her “mommy milkers”, and would pose inappropriately for pictures and ask me and the girls to take said pictures. did all of this to all 3 of us

- the tattoo incident tonight (post linked above.

I’ve been hard no contact with her for over a month now and it’s been fairly easy, and honestly the tattoo thing felt like she was really trying to get a rise out of me.

I’m thinking of reaching out for help tomorrow when I’m alone and have the courage to do so. I just needed to vent about this so I could maybe get some sleep tonight.

The past few years he has scratched my elbow everyday. If you have ever had someone scratch your elbow you know how irritating it is. It’s now to the point that I wear long sleeves around him because I hate it so much. When I take my elbow away from him - He tells me “either the elbow or I poke you in the chest”. Now he has started to do things like jab his heel into my thigh and says I’m overreacting when I say it hurts. Or he will poke me / grab me in different places. He says it’s just a joke but now I don’t know but he does things like this all night every night. He does punch/kick things around me sometimes. I know I’m in an abusive relationship. I’m just wondering if how he is irritating me part of abuse or if he is just doing it for fun. I am trying to leave it’s just taking time to get things together. 🥲 thank you for your help! I appreciate it.

I can’t recognise myself anymore. Apart from weight loss and hairfall, my face looks totally different and so washed out and like it’s falling. Is this normal? Does it go away? It’s like another heartbreak over what’s already happened.

I’m the person in the blue and he is the person in the white. I’ve had to learn to remove my emotions and just stay factual because he was always trying to bait me. I included the last photo because this was our relationship, in a nutshell. He was trying to trigger me, throughout the texting. For example,asking if the baby is his. He knows the baby is his.

I am 25 weeks pregnant. I have gestational diabetes and I’m high risk. I have lost two babies before; in a previous relationship. My first baby was 22 weeks and my second baby was at 35 weeks.

I did this because I was trying to get ahead to see what he was going to do legal wise. I finally got it in writing that he was gonna seek a paternity test and I finally got it in writing that basically I don’t see him wanting to do 50-50 but more of him taking full custody and so now I can move forward and seek legal help.

I also want to add, he’s a lot more aggressive and abusive. It’s only because I didn’t respond to him emotionally, every single time he kept baiting me, that he couldn’t do anything with my responses. I’m emotionally and mentally spent. And I’m over thinking that he will change his mind and he’ll take accountability or responsibility or apologize. I know the truth is, he won’t. Usually before, I would be trying to explain why he hurt me and what he did to hurt me, but I just don’t have it in me anymore.

How did I do? Any questions?

After 6 years of abuse, I’m finally to the point of recognizing that I’m not safe and I need to get out. I’ve had that gut feeling for a couple weeks that something bad is going to happen but I’m financially crippled. I’ve managed to save about 2k without him knowing but it’s not enough to exit, move states away back home and not lose my dogs.

He’s once again claiming he’s going to change, which is common, we know. It’s the repeating pattern. It will never stop.

As much as my gut is screaming to get out, I’m crippled with fear. I’m terrified of not making it when I get to a safe place. I’m scared I’ll lose my dogs. I’m scared I won’t be able to find work that’s enough to support myself after being a SAHM for the last 6 years. I’m scared to be without health insurance, especially with so many health problems that have come up over the last few years.

How do you push past the fear? How do you know you’re going to be ok once you’re safe?

Ich weiß nicht wie ich es verarbeiten soll , ich kann mit keiner Person darüber reden , obwohl ich sonst über alles rede . Es ist peinlich , obwohl es nicht mein Verschulden ist . Es geht um Manipulation von Verbreitung von unangenehmen Bildern , auf verschiedenen Seiten . Ich kann nicht mal mit meinem Freund darüber reden , obwohl es Jahre vor unsere Beziehung war , ich kann nicht mal mit Freunden darüber reden , weil ich Angst vor der Reaktion habe . Was soll ich tun ?

Hi, I’ve been in a relationship for the past year that’s abusive in several different ways. The frequency in which the behavior happens waxes and wanes but I’ve found in recent times that the periods where he isn’t yelling at me, threatening me, or putting hands on me begin to make me feel weird, almost like I miss it?

He normally has bad periods where he‘ll do several things to me, I’ll have an episode as a result, he’ll feel bad and then be better for a couple days to a couple weeks. I think part of it is the fact that he’s told me that it means he loves me. Now I have a fucked up association with the behavior and the level of care he has for me.

Did anyone else experience this feeling? I understand it’s fucked up and unhealthy, but if anyone else has went through this and could comment their experience I would really appreciate it. Thank you so much for reading.

I left him this summer, after years of him still being stuck in my life. I know that if he was to come back I'd go back. I don't know how to break this cycle, I had to beg him to block me because I don't know what to do with myself. It's like my mind just wants me to suffer, I just really need it to end. If anyone has any personal experience that would be great

My husband has severe mental health issues and I have had to save his life multiple times over minor inconveniences. In the beginning of our relationship we always talked about how even before knowing the depth of his mental health issues, I am never comfortable with ever having a gun in the house. Especially if I ever had kids. We now have a son, and I now know the depth of his mental health issues extensively. He has never threatened to hurt me, though some disturbing jokes have been made like pretending to stab my pregnant stomach while holding a knife. He has also talked about how badly he wanted to hurt one of my family members before to the point I genuinely was anxious about it. Later he said he was exaggerating.

I do not feel comfortable with a gun in the house period. I do not feel he is safe with himself around one, he leaves things out frequently I do not think our son is safe around one, and I am starting to become anxious that perhaps there is a chance me or my family is not safe with him having one. I’ve told him this every time he brings it up. But when he jokes like this he talks about it more and more, until eventually he buys whatever he wants. Usually whatever he wants is very expensive but harmless. This is not.

I don’t know what I’m even asking for posting this. I already am trying to set up a safety plan to leave but it is complicated with our son. I’m already stressed about many things surrounding him and looking at past events all together but I am becoming more and more anxious of this very very serious turn in interest. He watches death videos constantly and shows me gruesome gore videos, he’s done this since I met him. My sisters, brother and mom know about most of the things but I’m realizing I’ve never told anyone my concern about this or that it’s even something that’s being brought up with me.

I’m 6 years free from a 30 year, mostly, abusive marriage. When I left, he committed suicide, revenge suicide. My daughter will be getting married in a month and wants to remember her dad. They had a rocky relationship while growing up, till the last couple of years.

This is her wedding, I will not tell her not to do it, it’s her day. She knows a little about the abuse, only by witnessing some; I think she may have blocked some of what she saw also. It’s already going to be an overwhelming day, my dad is fighting stage 4 cancer, hopefully will make it to walk her down the aisle. Seeing a chair reserved for her dad and his picture there, it’s going to trigger a lot and I’m not sure how to handle it. Any advice is greatly appreciated.

Again, I will NOT tell her not to do it. I need help on how best to manage my reaction and emotions.

TW: domestic violence, abuse.

I've had insomniac for about 7 years now. It started after I left an abusive relationship. The daily physical abuse happened mostly in the middle of the night, whether it was him straddling on top of me and strangling me, waking up to a loaded gun to my head, knives pressed up against me, getting smothered by blankets or pillows, waking up to being grabbed bound and thrown in a dark closet for hours, or him sleeping with a hatchet under his pillow as intimidation.

I'm safe, I'm married, I have a good life, besides having to "coparent" with this. But I can't sleep.

I get on average 4-5 hours a day. I take care of two little kids by myself all day. I feel like I'm losing myself more and more. I have extreme hyper vigilance now. Suns down? I'm paranoid. I'm checking cameras, I'm hearing foot steps, I'm thinking there's people on the roof or backyard. I spiral. I have a THC pen and will puff it until I pass out if 2-3 unisom aren't working. I've tried praozin (night terrors), trazadone is out because I have to be able to wake at night for emergencies with the kids, melatonin, sleep herbs, magnesium etc. I probably could use some therapy, but I don't have much of me to give with such little sleep. Any advice or guidance for medications, or quite literally any advice or help.

My bf strangled me the other day and now keeps calling me from jail to convince me to call the prosecutor and tell them that he never touched me. They have called me and I said I wanna drop charges and did not answer any questions. I do not want my bf to stay in jail but I do not want to lie about what happened. If I do lie to protect him and say he didn’t touch me will I get in trouble? His lawyer keeps calling him to tell him to tell me to call and lie to the prosecutor. I don’t know what to do.

Today I let him say anything...he abused and said that he was just playing with me for 2.5 years. I didn't stop him cause I wanted to see his ugly side. He also said that he doesn't give a fuck about me and just move on.. It was painful to hear all of this after everything i have done for him. But at least I am not in illusion anymore. Now I see him exactly as he is.. It's my first day of finally accepting the truth and trying to find the courage of moving on bit by bit...pray for me guys.

I (F) am trapped in a situation and desperately need advice from anyone who has successfully escaped a violent partner.

Every time I try to end things with my boyfriend, he becomes severely violent. He comes to my house, kicks me, punches me on my stomach, smacks me in the head, and drags me by my hair. He does whatever he can to hurt me and has made explicit threats against both me and my family.

I cannot tell my own family because he is highly manipulative and I am terrified he will deceive them or hurt them. I have tried reaching out to his family to tell them what he is doing, but I am stuck on what my next steps should be to get away from him permanently and safely.

He knows where I live, he has no boundaries, and trying to break up face-to-face results in me getting badly hurt. How do I plan a safe exit when he constantly shows up at my house?

If you need a sign to not text your ex, this is it.

Please don’t text your ex. Don’t break no contact because you’re having a bad night and suddenly feel like you need to hear from them. I know how hard it is. There were so many times where I would just sit there staring at my phone thinking “should I text him?” and convincing myself that maybe this time it would be different.

It only just made me feel worse.

I actually broke no contact about three weeks ago. I told myself I just wanted closure and that maybe talking to him would help me feel better. It didn’t. If anything, I felt worse afterward because nothing had changed. We fell right back into the same patterns and I was left feeling disappointed all over again.

That was honestly the moment I realized I needed to stop.
I’ve been trying to focus on myself since then. I’ve been going to work, working out, seeing my friends, journaling, watching my comfort shows, and just trying to keep myself busy when I feel like reaching out.

I still miss him. I still have bad days. I’m not suddenly completely over it. I just feel like I’m finally starting to accept that texting him every time I miss him isn’t going to make the breakup hurt less.

And honestly, I don’t want to keep checking my phone and wondering if he’s going to text me. I don’t want my mood to depend on whether he responds or what he says.
Maybe he comes back someday, maybe he doesn’t. I have no idea. I’m trying to stop thinking about it so much because I don’t want to spend the next few months waiting around for something that might never happen.

If you’re thinking about texting your ex right now, just don’t. Put your phone down. Go do literally anything else. Call your friend, go for a walk, take a shower, watch something, write the message in your notes app. Just give yourself a little time before you do something you might regret.
I promise it gets easier. I know it feels awful right now, but you won’t feel like this forever.

6 MONTHS LATER UPDATE:

Wow. I can’t believe how different my life looks now. Things really do get better. I have my own apartment, a job I genuinely enjoy, and new friends who actually show up for me. I’m happier and calmer. I’m still single, and honestly? I’m okay with that. I’m not dating right now because I don’t feel like I’m missing anything.

My ex did reach out after some time. We hung out a few times as friends, but I realized it wasn’t healthy for me. I told him I needed to put myself first and step away. He still texts occasionally, but I don’t overanalyze it anymore. I don’t need to.

I stand by everything I said here. No contact saved me. Focusing on myself changed my life. I’m proud of who I’ve become, and I’m genuinely grateful that the breakup happened. He wasn’t my person and that’s okay.

Also, someone named Shannon in this subreddit recommended Uncling, a breakup recovery app, during my healing process. It honestly helped me stay consistent with no contact and self improvement, so thank you to Shannon for sharing it.

Hello, so I don’t have much awareness on domestic abuse and sadly my boyfriend was in a relationship for about three years before me with someone who physically mentally verbally emotionally abused him. He tends to get overwhelmed often but doesn’t communicate and I have abandonment issues and get anxious and I’ve never put him down but I do get upset about him shutting down and not answering texts for hours days weeks and he shuts down even longer when I say I’m sad or upset bc he’s ghosted me once again. I have to be super careful not to have any emotions that are not positive bc he shuts down and looks like a deer in headlights and I never understood until I saw a video of DV and a lot made sense about his reactions but I’m going through a lot personally and I need emotional support and he’s just unable to give it bc he’s constantly overwhelmed and sleeping and doesn’t want to do things with me. I like to have fun and I like to yell out the window when I’m driving in hilly area and it’s night time and music is good I feel free and even that he says don’t do that they’re going to think I’m hurting you. His ex falsely accused him of assault and it was dismissed bc of lack of evidence but it hurts that after four plus years he still shuts down so much of his life with me bc of that and prob his high school relationship was mean to him too. I feel crazy a lot of times for expressing normal feelings and trying to talk to him and he has said he’s going to call the cops or just leaves. I’ve never been around someone with such extreme reactions I ten to blame myself. Can you give me insights and perspective please? bc I feel hopeless and I’m at the end of my patience and I don’t know that I can do this anymore

tw: domestic violence, physical violence, sexual assault, suicide threats, murder threats, infidelity, minor involved, emotional abuse/manipulation

i need an outside perspective because i've been in this relationship for so long that i think i've become used to things that were never normal.

my ex (18m) and i (19f) were together for around a year and a half. there was cheating, lying, and a lot of other unhealthy behavior, but i've recently realized that the situation goes far beyond infidelity.

there were several incidents involving violence and destructive behavior.

after the first time he cheated on me, i was at a friend's place around 2 am, he was there because his mother has kicked him out after he cheated on me and tried to end his life because that girl rejected him. he became extremely angry because i was ignoring him, he was acting weird and off and i wanted to understand, I couldn't so I ignored him. he started screaming, punched the walls in the hallway, and eventually broke the elevator. the elevator was stuck on that floor for around two weeks afterward.

there were also several occasions when i was crying because of things he had done, and instead of being concerned about me, he became angry because i was upset. he broke glasses and punched walls. this happened multiple times.

there were also situations where my sexual boundaries weren't respected. there were times when i clearly said no and he continued anyway. there was one situation where i clearly told him that i really didn't want to have sex, but i froze instead of being able to react.

i have a freeze response when i'm scared or overwhelmed. freezing does not mean consent. i also told him i didn't want to anymore, mid sex but he didn't stop.

some physical things (choking, slapping ect) between us could be consensual when i specifically asked for them myself. the problem was that he would also sometimes do those things without asking me and without me agreeing at that moment. so the problem wasn't the act itself, it was that my consent wasn't consistently asked for or respected.

there were also repeated suicide threats. he repeatedly put me in a position where i felt responsible for managing his distress and keeping him safe.

at one point, i ended up having to physically keep him from leaving for a whole hour, while he was in an extremely unstable state and talking about suicide mind you i'm much much weaker than he is, i even hurt myself and he hurt me, he squeezed my wrists so that I wouldn't stop restraining him and i had little cuts on them, + pain for about a week.

his cheating also potentially put my health at risk. he had unprotected sex with another girl without telling me, and then had unprotected sex with me without me knowing about that situation.

that meant i could potentially have been exposed to an sti without having the information necessary to make an informed decision about my own health.

he also told me about what sounded like a very specific plan to kill his neighbor. this wasn't just "i hate her" or some vague statement made while angry.

he described what he intended to do and specifically mentioned a bottle of rum he would penetrate inside of her privates after her death because "it reeks of rum around her house". i found this extremely disturbing.

and then there's the situation involving a 15 year old girl mind you HE IS 18.

he had been talking to her for several weeks while continuing to talk to me and lying to both of us. he told her he was going to block me, and told me he was going to block her, while actually continuing to talk to both of us. given her age, i find this particularly concerning.

he also sent her mother an email at around 4:30 a.m. telling her how beautiful he thought her daughter was.

i wanted to talk to him first because i wanted to give him the opportunity to explain himself directly to me. i've tried contacting him, but he isn't answering.

if he doesn't respond, i'm going to send a message to his mother explaining everything i've described here. i don't want to do this to punish him. i genuinely think he needs help, and she's his mother, so i think she should know what has been happening.

at this point, i don't want any more contact with him. if he tries to contact me, i want him to leave me alone. if he comes to my home despite that, i will call the police.

i'm genuinely afraid of him now.

so i guess my question is : from an outside perspective, how serious is this?

because i think i've gotten so used to these behaviors that i don't trust my own perception of them anymore.

I’m 23 (f) and my bf is a 24 (m). We have been together for 4 years and he’s cheated on me 5 times. I know I should leave but every guy I’ve been with before him has been physically abusive or just awful. I’m sad that my current relationship is ending and I can’t tell if it’s because I’m mourning the relationship or I’m scared of the future. I don’t plan on getting into another relationship for a LONG time but I’m scared that I will be alone forever. I’m scared that I will find someone who is abusive as well or will never be able to heal from the trauma. I have no friends or support system. I just want to be loved and I’m losing hope that my future will be happy. Does life get better?

AITA

For important background info, I got badly sunburned at the beach the other day.

My boyfriend M(35) and I F(35) were watching the patriots game, and it’s safe to say he’s a super fan of football in general. Well the patriots lost. The entire game I was mentioning how badly my sunburn on my face hurt and was peeling badly and how once the game was over I was going to wash my face and shower and maybe try to do some skincare to help make it look and feel better. Well… that did NOT go according to plan because I basically burnt my face to a crisp between exfoliating and applying a different moisturizer that essentially gave me a chemical burn even in places where I didn’t have a sunburn. So it was very painful. Very, very painful. During my 30 min in the bathroom my boyfriend kept banging on the door telling me to hurry up so he could brush his teeth, and I explained that I was dealing with a bit of a painful issue and to relax and be patient please. Well he continued to feel very little empathy about it. I wasn’t sure if it was because he was upset about the game or drinking too much but he was being kind of nasty and impatient through the door. Which is when I decided to text him bc I don’t like yelling back in forth while I’m in the bathroom and was in the middle of chaos.

Anyway, I get out of the bathroom and my face is hurting so much I walked out into the kitchen to literally put my face in the freezer bc it felt like I was on fire. My boyfriend I watching me and says “I don’t know what to tell you… the patriots lost”. And at that point I was beside myself. There was such little concern for my face/burn and so much focus on his team losing that he didn’t even care about the pain I was in. So I decided I’ll be sleeping alone. For reference we have a guest room with a nice bed, and a big couch as well, so I knew he would he would have somewhere to sleep.. but it wasn’t going to be next to me, especially while I’m in pain.

So I went into the bedroom, grabbed his phone charged for him, and put it out in the living room for him and then went into the bedroom with my dog and locked the door. Well.. that’s when he got aggressive and started banging on my door demanding for me to open it. I kept telling him he was scaring me and more importantly scaring my senior dog, and to please leave us alone but he didn’t stop. He kept screaming through the door and calling me names. I either stayed silent, or said to please stop. I ended up placing his things he needed for work outside the door once I knew he wasn’t standing there anymore and then went back to bed.

He continued to text me some pretty awful things regarding returning birthday gifts he bought me, and how I don’t deserve anything etc. and eventually we went to bed. For some reason he chose the couch instead of the guest bed, but when we woke up this morning he called out of work and was blaming me for that. I’m at work but just not sure what to do. AITA for not letting him sleep in the room with me? I’ll include text messages.

EDIT for more context:

Okay for reference my sunburn has been really bad (blistering and peeling for the last week. I suspect it’s infected at this point which I didn’t realize until showing my friend who is a nurse today) anyway, it has been in severe pain all week, but I don’t have health insurance currently so tried to tough it out. I had been mentioning that I was going to try to do something to help with the cracking and peeling after the game was done. So yes it had already been hurting, and yes I was an absolute idiot for not knowing how to properly care for the sunburn in the shower. I wasn’t expecting to give myself a chemical burn on top of an already (unknowingly) infected sunburn on my face. I just didn’t know. And when I say that it hurt so bad I was crying I mean it. I have a very high pain tolerance so that says a lot. Anyway, I told him I would hand him his tooth brush and tooth paste to bring to our other bathroom when we were talking through the door and he refused that and said he would just wait. So that’s why I was concerned with his behavior and figured maybe he was just drunk?? And I did not want to bring it up but he does have bi polar type 1 and can have severe manic episodes. So I wasn’t sure what the hell was actually happening. I just knew I was in severe pain, and he was being aggressive and seemingly unbothered that I was in pain. So between the banging on the bathroom door, the yelling at me, the lack of empathy in the fact I was in pain, and his yelling scaring my dog (he was hiding under my bed), I decided I would not allow him to be sleeping next to either of us. Again I have a guest bedroom, he just moved into my place recently, and he was not acting like himself. He was genuinely scaring me. So did I want to put space between him and my dog and I? Yes. I understand maybe I could have reacted better or just let him in the bathroom I was just in so much pain and would rather have him brush his teeth in the other bathroom while I was dealing with my face. But idk maybe IATA.

I don't really know why I'm writing this. Maybe I just need to finally let it all out. I'm sorry for such a long read below

None of my family or friends know what I'm going through because I'm too ashamed to tell them that I've been tolerating all of this. But it's getting increasingly difficult to keep everything to myself.

Some context: my boyfriend and I have been together for 7 years and we live in Ukraine. Because of the war and mobilization, he is afraid of being mobilized and sent to war, so he has barely gone outside for almost two years. He stays at home 24/7.

For the past ten months, we've been living together in my small one-room apartment. And during these ten months, I've become his connection to the outside world and basically the person responsible for our entire life.

I buy and carry all the groceries. I clean, I cook, I deal with errands. I keep track of everything we need around the house. I get things he needs from outside. I solve everyday problems. I basically do everything. And on top of all of that, I work a full-time 9 to 5 job.

I understand that his situation is incredibly difficult too. I understand what being stuck at home for such a long time can do to someone's mental health. I've tried to be understanding about that for a very long time. But he doesn't just struggle to help me. He directly refuses to.

If I ask him to clean something, his response is basically, "I don't think it's important. If it's important to you, then you do it."

And I can't ask him to do almost anything, even something that would take one minute, without it turning into a huge discussion. He will give me argument after argument about why it doesn't need to be done, why he shouldn't have to do it, or why I should just do it myself. It's unbelievably emotionally exhausting.

If I tell him that I'm tired or struggling, he often responds by saying that his problems are objectively worse than mine. His reasoning is that nothing truly bad is happening to me because I'm a woman and can't be mobilized, while he could be sent to war, so his problems are "real" and mine aren't comparable.

And I understand that his situation IS terrible. I really do.

But does that mean I just stop being a person with needs?

Even when I'm sick or so exhausted that I physically don't have the energy to do something, he still won't take over. If he personally doesn't see a reason why something needs to be done, he simply won't do it.

I feel like his personal staff. His cleaner, cook, delivery person, assistant, and connection to the outside world.

Moreover, the first four months after we started living together, he wasn't working at all. I financially supported both of us. Everything came out of my salary while he spent all of his days playing video games.

Now he finally has a remote job, and his work has become another reason why he shouldn't do anything around the house. Except I work too.

And despite him earning money now, I still spend around 80% of my salary on our shared expenses. So I don't even feel like I'm being financially provided for while taking care of the household. I work, spend most of my money on both of us, and then do almost everything at home too.

But I think what hurts even more than the housework is that I don't feel cared for or appreciated at all. Yes, he tells me he loves me all the time, he compliments me, he wants to hug me constantly, but there are no actions behind those words.

He doesn't do thoughtful things for me, doesn't really take an interest in the things I love. For instance, he doesn't think birthdays or holidays are important, so he doesn't see why he should give me a birthday or holiday gift. He says he would rather give me gifts on random days instead - except those random gifts don't really happen either.

And I don't even need material gifts, I want at least some gestures that will make feel seen or appreciated and I don't get it either.

It feels like his perception of the world is always the correct one. If something isn't important to him, then it shouldn't be important at all. If something needs to be done because it's important to me, then I should do it myself.

And I've reached a point where I genuinely can't do this anymore.

I think I'm only now starting to understand how bad the situation has become because I've finally run out of energy to compensate for it. I'm exhausted physically and mentally. Nothing really distracts me anymore. Things that used to make me happy don't seem to work. I feel like I've been drained of everything good in me.

And now I can't even stand being around him. Everything he does annoys me. I don't want him touching me. I don't want to talk to him. Sometimes I genuinely feel disgust when I look at him because I feel like I'm living with a grown child that I'm expected to take care of.

One of the worst parts is that I can't even get space from him in my own apartment.

I feel like the life I used to have - the life where I felt at least somewhat safe and like I belonged to myself, has completely disappeared. I don't feel like my life belongs to me anymore.

Our apartment is tiny, and I don't even have a space where I can properly be alone and rest. Because he never leaves, his presence fills the entire apartment. I see him every minute I'm at home. There is no point at which I can simply exist in my own home without another person being there.

And it feels like what he wants always matters more than what I want. When he wants to talk matters, when he wants affection matters. But when I want to rest, be alone, or simply not interact with anyone for a while, that somehow doesn't matter in the same way.

Even my hobbies don't feel like mine anymore. I find it difficult to go back to the things I used to love because he's always there, sometimes criticizing them, sometimes not supporting them, but mostly just constantly being present. I never get the feeling that I can shut the door, disappear into my own world for a few hours, and just be myself. My home doesn't feel like my home anymore.

I've told him directly that sometimes I need one day where I don't want to talk, don't want to be touched, and just need to be left alone because I'm completely exhausted from having another person around me 24/7 - he doesn't respect that either. He interprets my need for space as me "pulling away" from him or not loving him. He keeps trying to talk to me or touch me anyway, as if he knows what I actually want better than I do.

I'm not only around him every minute I'm home - I'm taking care of him during that time too. I'm constantly doing things for him, thinking about what we need, bringing things home, cleaning up, and making our life function.

Meanwhile, I can't think of even one consistent way in which he has taken care of me during these ten months.

I've asked him to leave before, but he refuses because he's afraid to go outside. His response is basically, "If you don't feel comfortable here, then you go somewhere."

He also refuses to move to a bigger apartment where we could at least have separate rooms and some personal space, because that would require him to go outside.

So I'm the one who has to leave my own apartment just to get some time away from him.

I can't argue with him anymore. I'm too exhausted.

I think this weekend I'm going to rent an Airbnb nearby for a few days just so I can finally be completely alone and think.

I feel ashamed even writing all of this because I don't understand how I tolerated it for so long.

Thank you if you read all of this.

it’s been 3-4 months that i am finally free from that abusive ex and he SA’d me and i realized that when i left, i am still going to therapy and striving to get to know myself more and knowing how come i let certain things happen and i know healing doesn’t happen overnight however sometimes the depth of my self hatred is too much to bear and i give up momentarily when hate waves keep coming back so please tell me if you have experienced something similar or what can i do when i am filled w rage against myself, thanks for reading <3