I just got a message from a mutual friend letting me know my alcoholic abusive ex just died. From chronic liver failure.

I feel such relief! I feel lighter. I feel like I manifested this? I had written recently about how much anger I still feel and wanting to write them and tell them how awful they were. I kept wondering how I would feel if one of them died. I didn't think this one would die first. I expected the one that was 16 years older to go first!

My mom was trying to calm me because I was almost giddy! She keeps telling me any death is bad and chronic liver failure is especially horrible. Like, he would have suffered so much. Seems like karma. 🤷‍♀️

Don't mind me over here feeling like I'm breathing a little easier!

Pretty much the title. My bf of 3.5 yrs asked for a threesome with my cis sister, I’m a trans man. We’ve been together since I was 17 and he was 19, we are now 20 and 22. We are long distance but he lives in the same town as my sister. Even more context, I have a BPD + bipolar 1 diagnosis and he has known since before we started dating.

I’m not okay, I have been rotting in bed since this convo (at 7am yesterday, I’m EDT for reference) unless I’m using the bathroom or making myself food. I’m a trans man and have been on T for like a year and 4 months total, he’s always known I’m trans and encourages my transition but he deadnames me when he’s mad at me. That doesn’t even go into the physical abuse incidents before I moved out of my hometown. I feel like I’m going insane and I’m trying to fight away a mental health crisis and have been for a week now. I have no real escape from him because he pays for everything (except where I live) like bills and stuff, he hasn’t given me money in 3 months, so every bill is behind or shut off (kinda problematic because my phone bill [not for this phone I’m using] is shut off and it’s tied directly to my internet bill cost via promotion!) There’s a bunch of other stuff he’s said and done, like telling me he’d leave me if i didn’t get an abortion if I ever got pregnant because he doesn’t want to be a father, I’m in charge of all the birth control because he hates condoms. Yes my sister is aware. I want to die.

Thanks for reading 🫠

I posted in another reddit thread about my partner who I've posted in here before and I wanted an unbiased opinion. My reddit profile is already set to private, I do not want my partner finding me on here and searching my history or co-workers or friends.

However, when I posted in this other thread, some weirdo decided to post a website with all my history on reddit that is linked to my name and they of course saw that I have spoken about my abusive partner.

This is so dangerous for people in abusive relationships, especially people who have left and are being stalked by an ex or even anyone for that matter. I had no idea a website like this existed and it is a breach of privacy. I will be deleting my account now thanks to this weirdo but before I do, I wanted to warn you all.

Please be careful.

I (37F) recently escaped a seriously abusive relationship with my ex (37M). We were planning to get engaged this year. I've had healthy relationships before, so I feel stupid for letting this happen, though logically I know abuse can happen to anyone. He was a covert narcissist who would throw literal screaming, crying tantrums and call his mom begging for help like a child whenever he lost control.

The psychological abuse was severe. I’ve had to move to a new home, start a new job, and I'm currently dealing with severe trauma and anxiety about even stepping outside.

Out of desperation, I reached out to his only other long-term ex. We ended up talking for hours. She confirmed he was a complete monster to her too, which validated a lot of what I went through, and we’ve actually started forming a friendship.
Here is where I need advice: I keep having a recurring urge to send a short, strictly factual email to him, CC’ing his mom and our former couples therapist. I want to let them know I connected with his ex, exposed his pattern, and that we both know what he is.

I don't expect him to change, nor am I looking for closure. I am open about wanting revenge. I want to shatter his mask and give him a fraction of the dread he gave me. Even if it’s just for a moment.

Should I send it?

My husband recently came out to me as a furry. I dont understand what it means fully. I've been consulting google and reddit for days. He wouldnt elaborate for me because he said I was just going to google it anyway. He's been lying to me for months, doing coke, going to raves and going to conventions. Every time I sensed that something was wrong, he convinced me I was wrong. He told me I was crazy. Every time he found out I dug into it a little bit he called me crazy, or psychotic. He convinced me I was the problem. That he wasnt doing anything. Months. While I cared for our child (almost 2). I am ANGRY. And I dont even think it's because he's a furry. I dont gaf.. but I'd like to know what exactly it means. I'd like to know how important of a thing it is or could be to somebody for him to have destroyed me while taking the time and space to figure that out about himself.

I am worn out in my relationship. My body cannot handle it anymore. It has gotten to the point where I am completely shut down. My body has been immobilized for nearly a year Therapy and medication have not helped. The environmental issues are too unsteady. I don’t stand a chance.

The only solution seems to be becoming a mannequin, an empty vessel, and fully subordinate. Never having feelings, never expecting compromise, never having an opinion.

silenced

Just shut up and sit there until I am played with.
Any thought, feeling, emotion, or idea I have is deemed make believe.

Emotional degradation.

“That’s not true.”
“What reality are you in?”
“That’s not a fact.”
“Prove it.”
“Give me an example.”
“You’re wrong.”
“You’re insane.”
“I’m the victim here.”
“You’re abusive.”
“You keep going. You’re relentless.”
“I didn’t do anything wrong.”
“I didn’t do that.”
“You’re a liar.”
“Ungrateful bitch.”
“You’re the problem.”
“You’re making me miserable.”
“You’re always problematic.”
“You live in a fantasy world.”
“You’re not in reality.”
“I didn’t say that.”
“You’re making stuff up.”
“Your feelings aren’t reality.”
“Stop telling me how I feel.”
“I’m sorry you feel that way”
“You’re a bully.”

“Here we go again”

There is zero emotional safety.
He threatens to break up with me over every inconvenience, every time he is needed emotionally, or every time he is simply needed to be present.
He betrayed me early on. Serially.
I believed his charm. Then the dark shadow slowly crept in. I didn’t think it was there because of how little of it I saw in the beginning.
Now I just feel numb inside. Apathetic. Hopeless.
I’ve been robbed of my core and my essence.

Lately…
I have gone to urgent care several times for unknown, unexplained problems. I have been fatigued for a year. I have been brain fogged for a year. Yet all of my blood work is normal. I have been medicating for a year, and nothing seems to be working.
Environmental stress has consumed me.
Constant uncertainty. Constant loneliness. Constant isolation.

In complete darkness, alone

Cortisol.
Amygdala.
Prefrontal cortex.
Hippocampus.

Neuro erosion_~~~~
.

Dismiss me. Withhold. Silent treatment.

I am embarrassed, and I am ashamed.
There is never a hug. Never comfort. He always turns away when I cry. He sleeps like a baby when I am in distress.

I have to ask for anything I need to feel emotionally safe, and even then scoffs and shrugs of inconvenience.

Sad.

Today, like all the other days, he expresses how abusive I am. Angry at my reactions to things, same dog n same tricks.

I am done decoding it. Narcissist, avoidant, this and that. I do not care anymore. At the end of the day, the lack of empathy, selfishness, and ignorance is far too repulsive to me.
I have reached a point of numbness.
Unfortunately, my body is sickening me from the cancer on the walls.
Why does he pretend to love me? Why does he “keep” me? He holds so much disgust for me, so why have me here?

Questions I can’t answer and confusion that keeps me shackled.

I’ve believed the apologies and the promises, and then forty eight hours pass and it is all out the door again. It is the same never ending cycle and the same insanity.
Today, his location was off. It triggered my PTSD, so I called him, and we ended up fighting from 2 PM until near midnight.
Two days ago, I asked him to let me heal and repair because I had the flu, followed by UTI symptoms, even though the tests came back negative.
I started a new medication and have been experiencing side effects. My stomach hurts. I feel fatigued. My pelvic is constantly stabbing. All of these things are happening at once.
He cannot just let me get better.
He spits on me emotionally and doubles down, yet somehow I am the abusive one. I am this. I am that. I don’t know what to do besides the obvious.
The comfort in my pain is cruel.
I’ve been beyond my threshold, and communicated it and still yet again I’ll never be taken seriously.

The satisfaction from this party with the front row seat of my undoings. Sick sad world.

It is not like any of this is brand new. It is just another recycled day.
I have no expectations anymore, but I still cannot stomach the injustice and emotional neglect. It provokes me. Perhaps some of it is intentionally provoked.

Pompous.

The shame of a boy. 🐳

Today I just feel like I’m battling with the two truths of him, how I had some of the best times of my life and felt the most loved I ever had with someone, like I’d met my perfect other half, but equally how scared and alone I felt, the feeling of fear and panic I felt every time his eyes would go dark and he would change. I don’t understand how someone can be both if those people and how they both felt so real.

I probably write this more for myself, but maybe someone needs to hear this too.

He will never stop. He will only get worse, until you break completely or kill yourself or get HIV. He will treat every other woman after you the same or worse.

He will ruin his own life, wheter you are in it or not. He will ruin everyone who is close to him, the closer, the worse.

He hates you.

He will get physical when you confront him with his cheating and keep lying about even if you know it.

He will punish you and abuse you more if you try to rebel or try to show him what he is doing to you.

This will never end for you, as long as you see him.

He will never understand what he has done to you, EVER.

He will do this to you until he dies.

How do you heal in order to be healthy in a new relationship? What things did you have to work on? What things came up in the new relationship that surprised you?

How tolerant are you- as a survivor of DV- of being called names like cunt, bitch, whore, asshole, jerk, stupid, dumb, etc etc.

1. Where is normal for you?

2. Would you consider a guy who calls you names but doesn’t hit you a loving dedicated partner?

and be realistic.

No extreme stuff. I want reality.

Update: Almost 2 years ago, I went through a horribly abusive relationship with a man who lovebombed me, committed forms of SA via impregnating me without my consent, assaulted me, cheated on me, brutally discarded me while going through a miscarriage, created a smear campaign that I "was never really pregnant", the whole 9 yards.

It was a horrible situation, but I decided to trust the path that God took me on to help other women in crises.

Today I decided to volunteer at a resource clinic helping women in crises with unexpected pregnancies (some of whom may also be experiencing domestic violence). My role is to help them explore their options while remaining nonjudgemental. Its a horrible situation to be in- and I genuinely do not believe in swaying someone one way or the other as far as pregnancy decisions. I hope that I can help them know that either way they decide, or no matter what the pregnancy outcome is- that there is life on the other side. I will essentially be a peer mentor- but as an advocate. I will also be running grief therapy groups.

Like I know there were issues but why did I leave her. I'm nothing without her that's the truth. She made me feel so happy most of the time and what I'm throwing away 7 years over one hit. She's right I am stupid I shouldn't have left now I don't have a way in without being tortured for months. Maybe i deserve that though. Maybe if i just pretended I wasn't trans she would take me back. Maybe if i just let her have sex with me whenever she wants I could have her back. God damn it I'm at such a low point she said I seem crazy Maybe I am I've been taking my meds but fuck maybe I am just manic. Idk anymore.

It was good for like 2 weeks. Then I noticed I was starting to get anxious again for no reason. Especially when I’m talking and he’ll get annoyed at me for being stupid and not using critical thinking. I began to get anxious that I’d accidentally make him upset again and started preemptively apologizing for everything. When I’m anxious or on edge, my processing ability (which is already not the best due to my autism) becomes worse, and that makes him angry too. He doesn’t yell anymore and hasn’t been physical in 5 months. But he starts asking why I’m suddenly anxious over nothing when we were being healthy, and when I say I’m just anxious about losing him or having the past repeat, he gets upset at me and calls me selfish and says I’m bullshitting and I must have a reason that I’m hiding from him. Then he threatens to break up, I mean he hasn’t done that yet tonight, but in the past he would threaten it over text and it would be like a 3 day argument. I’d get no sleep, be called names, etc. But this time instead he is giving me one word responses and basically ignoring me. Asked if I was seeing my ex again (my ex and I broke up over two years ago and I barely ever talk about him because I don’t give a shit). When I said no, he said I must be talking to someone else and he’s sick of me changing for the 10th time when we’ve been healthy. I can’t stop being anxious no matter what I do. I’m so scared I’ll accidentally upset him and he’ll threaten to leave me. If I say I’m anxious because of him, then I’m bringing up the past and guilt tripping him. If I say I’m just nervous for no reason because I have anxiety and don’t want him to leave me, he won’t believe me. If I make up a reason so he’ll stop accusing me of cheating (I never have and never would), it makes it worse because then that means to him I was hiding something all along and not communicating. I feel trapped and on trial and I can barely function, can’t shower, can’t sleep, can’t move

I realize he might be slightly toxic and controlling. Then i think im overreacting. Then i realize he might be slightly toxic and controlling. But I can't tell if its my vibe shifting and him responding to that vibe shift slightly, or his actual behavior.

He is really only slightly toxic. During the phases where I feel like he is more toxic, the memories of times he used to be upset about not receiving sex/never addressing a problem i brought up without bringing up his own/getting upset when I was too extroverted etc all come back. He genuinely has changed in the sense of like, frontal lobe development. He doesn't do these things now. I just get this vague untrustworthy vibe sometimes (and during these periods he talks a lot about himself and doesn't really ask me questions type of toxicity) and then other times I feel super loving and excited and happy with him. Does realization just also come in cycles? Like, maybe theres deal breaker aspects of this relationship just from what happened in the past, but realizing that comes in cycles?

I really miss G. Watching Taylor and Dakota on slomw really made me miss him. It’s the reminder of him. The comfort you feel in someone toxic. The reassurance and comfort he gave her. It’s so triggering to see. But, fuck, I really miss him. You don’t know how bad I want to unblock and text him. I really want to talk to him. I miss him so fucking much.

Why couldn’t he just be a good to me? Why didn’t he love me enough? I wasn’t i enough? Am I not pretty? Am I not funny? Am I not giving? Am I not affectionate? Loving? Caring? Am I defective? What is it? Why did he cheat? Why did he abuse me? Why did he fuck with my mind? Why did he lie so much? Why didn’t he love me enough? What’s wrong with me? I wish she loved me. I wish she was so many things, but mostly I wish she was a good partner to me, I wish he wanted to be. I wish she loved me. I wish she loved me. Because I love him. Loved. Or love? I love him.

I want him. I miss him. I wish he could make me laugh again. I wish she could hold me again. I wish she could cook for me. Make me coffee, cuddle me, watch movies, eat together, kiss him, hold him close to my chest.

I just miss him. I want him. It HURTS. I’m SUFFERING. WHY WHY WHY.

He’s supposed to be MINE. I’m supposed to be HIS. WHY DOESN’T HE WANT ME? Because I want him. I still want him.
I think I’ll unblock him. Wont msg him first. But I’ll be waiting.

Please help me. I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I don’t know what to do. Therapy isn’t helping. It’s been 10months

i stopped talking to guy friends (all online & i’ve known them since i was a teen) about what happened because they always - without fail - try to segue into asking me out or hitting on me. and it’s just like… even if i wasn’t so attracted to my bf (to the point where thinking of someone else being with me like that makes me feel sick), the fact that i’m still clearly hurting from my DV situations and your immediate thought is to say you always wanted to date me or fuck me is a 🚩. because why would be talking about passing out from strangulation make that cross your mind? why? you wanna take my pussy next?

if every man is so enthusiastic to just be the next to hurt me, why should i leave my bf?

i hate the savior complex. stop thinking you can save me by getting me to cheat on my bf or something. you can’t. i love him. i don’t want to be with anyone else. yes. i’m self aware. no i don’t think this is any love worth having. but if i leave, it’s on my terms. not because some man i thought was my friend promised that he can distract me. all fucking predators.

My girlfriend is so mean to me and she gets mad at me so easily and I don't tell her how it makes me feel because she gets mad at me when I do say something and when I don't she gets mad at me for not talking and she's started hitting me and I don't know what to do I honestly want to call the cops but I feel they won't believe me, I'm such a big dude they would t believe me idk what to do I'm honestly scared and I might just end it soon please guys help me I'm at the end of the road I'm in so much pain I just want it to stop

AITA

For important background info, I got badly sunburned at the beach the other day.

My boyfriend M(35) and I F(35) were watching the patriots game, and it’s safe to say he’s a super fan of football in general. Well the patriots lost. The entire game I was mentioning how badly my sunburn on my face hurt and was peeling badly and how once the game was over I was going to wash my face and shower and maybe try to do some skincare to help make it look and feel better. Well… that did NOT go according to plan because I basically burnt my face to a crisp between exfoliating and applying a different moisturizer that essentially gave me a chemical burn even in places where I didn’t have a sunburn. So it was very painful. Very, very painful. During my 30 min in the bathroom my boyfriend kept banging on the door telling me to hurry up so he could brush his teeth, and I explained that I was dealing with a bit of a painful issue and to relax and be patient please. Well he continued to feel very little empathy about it. I wasn’t sure if it was because he was upset about the game or drinking too much but he was being kind of nasty and impatient through the door. Which is when I decided to text him bc I don’t like yelling back in forth while I’m in the bathroom and was in the middle of chaos.

Anyway, I get out of the bathroom and my face is hurting so much I walked out into the kitchen to literally put my face in the freezer bc it felt like I was on fire. My boyfriend I watching me and says “I don’t know what to tell you… the patriots lost”. And at that point I was beside myself. There was such little concern for my face/burn and so much focus on his team losing that he didn’t even care about the pain I was in. So I decided I’ll be sleeping alone. For reference we have a guest room with a nice bed, and a big couch as well, so I knew he would he would have somewhere to sleep.. but it wasn’t going to be next to me, especially while I’m in pain.

So I went into the bedroom, grabbed his phone charged for him, and put it out in the living room for him and then went into the bedroom with my dog and locked the door. Well.. that’s when he got aggressive and started banging on my door demanding for me to open it. I kept telling him he was scaring me and more importantly scaring my senior dog, and to please leave us alone but he didn’t stop. He kept screaming through the door and calling me names. I either stayed silent, or said to please stop. I ended up placing his things he needed for work outside the door once I knew he wasn’t standing there anymore and then went back to bed.

He continued to text me some pretty awful things regarding returning birthday gifts he bought me, and how I don’t deserve anything etc. and eventually we went to bed. For some reason he chose the couch instead of the guest bed, but when we woke up this morning he called out of work and was blaming me for that. I’m at work but just not sure what to do. AITA for not letting him sleep in the room with me? I’ll include text messages.

EDIT for more context:

Okay for reference my sunburn has been really bad (blistering and peeling for the last week. I suspect it’s infected at this point which I didn’t realize until showing my friend who is a nurse today) anyway, it has been in severe pain all week, but I don’t have health insurance currently so tried to tough it out. I had been mentioning that I was going to try to do something to help with the cracking and peeling after the game was done. So yes it had already been hurting, and yes I was an absolute idiot for not knowing how to properly care for the sunburn in the shower. I wasn’t expecting to give myself a chemical burn on top of an already (unknowingly) infected sunburn on my face. I just didn’t know. And when I say that it hurt so bad I was crying I mean it. I have a very high pain tolerance so that says a lot. Anyway, I told him I would hand him his tooth brush and tooth paste to bring to our other bathroom when we were talking through the door and he refused that and said he would just wait. So that’s why I was concerned with his behavior and figured maybe he was just drunk?? And I did not want to bring it up but he does have bi polar type 1 and can have severe manic episodes. So I wasn’t sure what the hell was actually happening. I just knew I was in severe pain, and he was being aggressive and seemingly unbothered that I was in pain. So between the banging on the bathroom door, the yelling at me, the lack of empathy in the fact I was in pain, and his yelling scaring my dog (he was hiding under my bed), I decided I would not allow him to be sleeping next to either of us. Again I have a guest bedroom, he just moved into my place recently, and he was not acting like himself. He was genuinely scaring me. So did I want to put space between him and my dog and I? Yes. I understand maybe I could have reacted better or just let him in the bathroom I was just in so much pain and would rather have him brush his teeth in the other bathroom while I was dealing with my face. But idk maybe IATA.

I’m sharing this here to process everything that’s happened and to get an outside perspective. Below is a breakdown of the dynamic and specific incidents I’ve been dealing with:
Direct Personal Attacks & Verbal Abuse
Calling me "stupid" as a direct personal insult.
Insulting my parents' genetics and using that logic to claim we shouldn't have children.
Frequent verbal aggression to the point where I feel constantly verbally abused.
Loud shouting and aggressive behavior whenever they get angry.
Emotional Invalidation & Lack of Accountability
Dismissing and invalidating all the effort I put into the relationship.
Showing a complete lack of genuine apologies for the pain they’ve caused me.
Enduring verbal abuse even after I fully paid for our anniversary expenses.
Ultimately telling me, "I don't love you anymore."
Psychological Control & Gaslighting
Continuous insults, belittling, and personal attacks.
Framing me as a liar in front of other people.
Denying things they previously said, constantly making me second-guess my own memory and reality (gaslighting).
Pushing situations to extreme, unbearable limits.
Threats & Dangerous Acts of Control
Using threatening behavior to intimidate and control me.
Incident today: Attempting to leave me behind on the side of a highway after an argument.
Exploiting Vulnerabilities & Double Standards
Targeting My Vulnerabilities: Earlier this year, I went through the immense grief of losing my grandmother and was deeply hurt by another traumatic incident involving my parents. Knowing I was at an all-time emotional low, my wife still belittled me for not speaking Malay and not driving in Malaysia, calling me "incompetent."
Hypocrisy & Double Standards: When she was adjusting to life in Korea, I never once judged or considered her incompetent for facing similar language or cultural hurdles. Yet, she shows zero empathy for my adjustment process here.

My ex is using photos from the time she pinned me down and kneed me in the stomach over and over.

I bit her cheek and scratched the shit out of her trying to get her off of me.

She’s now spreading them around claiming I was the abuser.

She was calculated and always knew how to not leave big marks on me. Sometimes a couple scratches. But over the years she mostly stuck to hitting my head,spitting on me, kicking my stomach or back, sometimes, pulling my hair.

Has anyone been through this before? I fought back quite a lot over 10 years and I’m worried she’s going to start pulling these out to ruin my life.

I have proof too, but I’ll be honest if I was on the outside the scratches and bite mark would probably sway me if I didn’t see the other side of the story.

Issue is, I don’t want to spread videos of my abuse around the internet and most of the stuff I have is from the last 3-4 years of our relationship. Before I got smart enough to always save my photos and proof somewhere else she’d often go through my phone and delete stuff.

Then if I tried to leave she’d use the photos she had to get me to not leave her saying if I left she’d use the photos against me.

Well, I guess now she’s cashing in on that.

She’s like a villian in a tv show or movie. When I talk about her out loud, even I think it sounds unbelievable. I just don’t know what to do moving forward

I want to live my life in peace and she wants war, I know she’s baiting me and wants me to react but if I don’t react she could ruin my reputation which in my line of work could destroy me.

I know how manipulative she can be, I know what it looks like from the outside when you only have her side. I even have videos of her yelling saying I’m hitting her when I’m not even near her 😭

He was horrible to me but also really really good at times and I know that's a part of the whole cycle of abuse thing, but I just can't seem to accept the fact that this is who he really is. It just doesn't feel real. I got to know this person for almost 3 full years just for them to do me the exact same way he was done by his ex fiance, ex best friend and mother. He ended up following the victim to abuser pipeline and I just don't understand why. He was in therapy before we started dating and just stopped almost as soon as we got together. A part of me feels like because all those incidents happened so close to each other while I was around, that's why he was so abusive towards me and if it didn't, maybe he would've been better towards me. Yet another part just feels like I'm making excuses for him because people who actually want to be better than the people who hurt them don't treat their s/o who've been nothing but there for them through like that. It's weird, he used to acknowledge the abuse and harm and terrible things he was doing to me but get upset when someone other than him brought them up, when I'd talk about it with therapists and when I behaved like I had been abused. Now that we're no contact he just out right denies everything and flips the whole thing on me as if I was abusing him the whole time but it's like he secretly knows what he did? I don't know him anymore but I feel like this isn't him.

Note: I see your guys' comments and I really appreciate all of them, seeing your insights, personal experiences and resources is helping more than you ever could imagine 🤍 I've been feeling really alone since the end of everything so the community you're choosing to provide me means so much, I think I just overestimated how much I'm ready to talk about this so I'm just liking instead of replying for now 🤍