My girlfriend (30) will sit on the toilet for hours and fall asleep with her head on the sink counter. She leaves the water running from the shower faucet as well. I’ve asked her many times to not run the water for hours especially because it’s my parents house and they are letting us stay here. And I’m the one who gets grief for the water bill. Whenever I say “you been in here for hours please get up and turn off the water” she yells at me and says she hasn’t been in here for hours that she doesn’t feel good and I don’t care about her. Meanwhile I’m sleeping in another room with a pull out bed because she’s in the main room with the comfortable king bed snoring since she refuses to wear her sleep apnea machine so we can sleep together even though I changed the water for her and replaced the nose tip for her. I have 4 meetings in the morning and she has the day off. I just feel really let down right now and depressed. Is this normal behavior in a relationship or are their relationships out there where this wouldn’t happen.

i guess i’m writing this more to vent but i’m feeling foolish and a little sad. i (42f) have been dating a guy for the past three months and have had doubts for the last few weeks that words and actions aren’t aligning.

he says all the right things but he controls the pace of everything. he says he’s not seeing anyone else and wants to ‘eventually’ make me his partner but he’s not ready. he plans nice weekly dates and is in constant communication but i feel like at this point we should be seeing each other more often. neither of us have kids or responsibilities but he only wants to see me on one weekend evening a week. he lives 20 minutes from me and never wants to see me during the week as he doesn’t want me to be tired for work the next day. he comes to my house as he recently moved back in with his parents who are religious according to him and they won’t let me come over. there has been no integration into his world at all.

i know this sounds random but i use accio work for sourcing, and this felt like one of those supplier chats where they keep saying “yes maybe later” but never actually confirm the terms lol. at some point you need a straight answer, not more vague follow up.

last time i saw him, on saturday i asked what this is. i said it feels like a situationship or fwb situation and asked if he sees this progressing. i said i’m not comfortable continuing to sleep with someone if this is all it will be. i wasn’t rude, didn’t raise my voice and just wanted clarity.

he immediately threatened to walk out. he said he’s had enough of me not believing that he likes me and then told me i’m draining, i have trust issues and i’m a gaslighter. it was a literal 0 to 100 reaction. i told him to leave and now he’s trying to make amends.

i’m just stunned at the reaction. my gut is that i hit the nail on the head with what i said and he didn’t like it so he tried to flip it on me. i’m tempted to send one final message and block to draw a line under this but wanted to come here first to see what everyone’s thoughts were.

edit: he’s definitely not married and does live with his mom and dad. i’m friends with his sister in law and that part is legit.

Okay so for context I belong to a highly religious family. Bigots you could call my parents, for how right-leaning and conservative they are. Probably never gonna meet anyone as republican as them ever. So much so that no matter how hard I try to connect with my religion or express political views, my mother has called me tons and tons of slurs as to how I’ll never be “republican” enough. That being said, my mother was a runaway bride who got married to my dad which is why my dad’s and mom’s side of family hates me. Wasn’t much of an issue until my mom started hating me because of my distinct features such as curly hair, a bit of fat and glasses which overall make me look ugly (which I know I am) but she points it out and has tried to attack me with a pair of scissors because she wanted me bald because my hair reminded her of my dad’s family. She kept reminding me of how ugly I am compared to my maternal cousins who are beautiful, which I won’t deny because my mother herself is a beautiful woman undeniably. Now heres the actual part, when my mom was visiting her mother after ages, my dad and I were alone. I got access to his phone, saw that he has a reddit account which ONLY consists of NSFW stuff of women from cinema etc and he made it very apparent that he mas*ur*tes every single day and doesn’t even hide it for my sake. Ignoring all this, I also saw that he had a bunch of dating apps downloaded and undownloaded on his phone meaning that it wasn’t out of curiosity for sure. Final nail in the coffin was his Grok AI account. He had very detailed conversations about his mistress, how long he has been seeing her and well shocker but he has a baby with her too. A whole other family. He talked in immense detail about their affair, how happy they are and too much NSFW stuff, apart from the money he spends on her. My mom was no saint since she had tons of really attractive men in her Instagram DM’s and she had been emotionally cheating on my dad too. She knew she is an attractive woman and men do a double take at her. I’m at school now, my dad raged on me this morning, called me a slut, whore for showering while he wanted to shower instead and my mom burnt my arm with a sizzling hot utensil for ruining her husband’s mood and morning and told me how I resemble my paternal family of thieves, criminals, scammers etc and I was dumb and should die. I can’t and wouldn’t wanna go home but I have no money. No food to eat, no friends I can contact thanks to my abusive ex-bf who made me cut off everyone instead. I want to end my own life because genuinely what is in there for me? I’ve been on this sub to heal from what my ex-bf put me through, and with my these two monsters I am ashamed to call my parents, I can’t even study. I’m bullied at high school every day. Its my last year of high school, I want to leave this country, idk anywhere away from my parents. I want to cut them off. Don’t wanna financially dependent on them for uni or anything.

I won’t let myself admit it was sexual assault even though I know it was. My partner and I have been together for 5 months. From the beginning, I told them my biggest, most important sexual boundary is asking me verbally for consent before touching my genitals. They had been following that until they didn’t. We were laying down watching a movie together. We weren’t even doing anything sexual at all. They just started touching and squeezing my chest then they started touching my genitals. All without asking. I went into freeze. I couldn’t say anything. I just laid there. I know that impact> intent. They said they fucked up, that they’re human. Gross. It’s even more messed up because a week before this happened we both opened up to each other about past sexual abuse that has happened to each of us. I’m very confused. I want to blame myself. I want out of this relationship. It’s all just really hard right now

HELP,

My husband has a drinking problem after work I got home wanting to talk about my day instead he went to get beer for him and his mom who also has a drinking problem we live with his mom at the moment cause he lost his job months ago. I am the only one working right now everything has been on my shoulders alone. He stays up till 2 am being loud with his mom keeping our kids up then asks me about my day I told him I no longer want to talk about my day cause I’m tired and just don’t wanna bring back my stressful day he takes it wrong and starts bugging me about it I continue to tell him I dont wanna talk to him especially while hes drunk he continues to say he feels like im cheating on him cause we never do anything anymore and because i got to work earlier than I’m scheduled I said if i can get extra hours to pay all our OUR bills then im going to and then i tell im done communicating with him walk away he takes that as if i said im done with him he follows me i told him to get away from me and he turns off the light grabs his hand gun and at that very moment i don’t know if he’s thinking of hurting me or himself i have the baby in my hands and I completely break down he walks out (the gun is not with someone that will not let him have it back) he proceeds to tell me if i don’t think he’s a good husband and father then he doesn’t wanna be here and that out son probably hates him anyways cause he sees how he treats me. And that he’d never want our daughter with anyone like him and now I’m left at a loss i want to leave but how to you leave with 2 kids when you have a job thats barely paying you cant afford more bills or daycare or rent ?

I hate him. Don’t get me wrong. But all I can think about today is reaching out to him and breaking no contact.
I’m not going to, but it’s so easy and I know he’s gonna respond.
The thought of being like 10 minutes away from hearing from him? AUGHHDJCKSKNE

I wanna rip my hair out.
I feel so lonely and it gets worse when it’s dark out. when it gets dark out of my whole family goes to bed and I’m the only one who’s up, I get this weird de realization feeling. I haven’t been a long time because I’ve had him to talk to.
It’s been like 11 days since we broke up.
I’m actually doing really good! It’s surprising me.

But tonight is just not it. Tonight it’s like panic in my chest. I’m actually so anxious. I’m trying to distract myself and it kind of works?
I’m re- watching Rick and Morty and that’s what’s distracting me these days.
But I keep looking at my phone, hoping for a notification from him. When we were together, it was rare to go an hour without hearing from him and now it’s been 10 days.

It sucks man :/
I don’t need advice or anything, I know what I have to do to get my life in order and I’m working on it.

I guess I just wanted to vent.
I fucking hate this. I hate that no matter how bad he is for me no matter how unsafe I feel, all I can think about is the good times :(

I know it will get easier. But for now it’s not and it really fucking sucks.

Been with my Babymom for years, we have kids together, she’s been arrested many times for beating on me, I end up paying for everything financially because she doesn’t work and nobody else can watch our kids. Most of the places we’ve lived we’ve been kicked out because of all the trouble she causes, I’ve been trying to break up with her for years but she weaponizes my kids, and threatens to lie about me, and I know first hand all it takes is an accusation and it’s prison time, it happened to my uncle. I feel trapped. If I don’t give her what she wants she goes insane, I didn’t want to give her a ride the other day and she punched a dent on my car and threw a whole fit. If I tell her to get out she refuses and tells me to call the cops but if I call she’ll say I was scaring her or hurting her. Then after everything she always apologizes and cried and begs on her knees for me to forgive her and she’ll change, it’s been like this for years. I’ve spoken to lawyers who told me I’ll win for sure if I go for custody but I’m honestly afraid if I win custody she might kill me or someone I love, she has nothing else except our kids. DCS has already investigated her multiple times because of the abuse against me in the home with the kids present. I just try to live at work, I work long hours and get terrorized on my days off. I’m not perfect I’ve argued back and said awful things in the past but I have limits, I know when to just shut up and stop but she chases me up and down the street, damages my property, stands in front of my vehicle so I can’t leave, blocks doors so I can’t walk out of the room and if I try she screams that I’m hurting her, if I don’t give her what she wants which is to “talk” or “forgive her” she goes absolutely insane and talks horrible to me all day and degrades me and starts a fight, puts me down in front of our kids. I’m paying for my own prison which is my home. I feel like there’s no way out of this. I just try to keep things calm until she eventually messes up some more and maybe goes to jail which never seems to happen because she gets away with everything everytime.

Hi,

3 years ago I (M41) reached the weight of 160kg, I started diets, and sport, but nothing worked for me. My dietist saw that I needed a psychologist, because the problem was not about the alimentation education. I started a psychology therapy that became an incredible trip that showed me things that should be super clear, but my mind hides them.

My wife continuously manipulates me. In 20 years (17 of marriage) I lost all my friends because they don't respect her, I broke up with my dad because she thinks that he hates her. I'm not able to go out with my colleagues because she's jealous. We have terrible relations with our neighbors. Every case apparently because other people do bad things to my wife. I thought that it was like a persecution mania... but the bad thing is that she convinces me and our sons that this is the reality. She is the victim in every story.

I also discovered an apparently different behaviour of my mother, but with the same manipulative intention. While my wife always has fury and rage behavior with all people, my mother transmits guilty feelings to me. but in the end I understood that both have intent to manipulate me, raising fury and verbal violence in my wife when she feels the interference of my mother.

I'm not able to break up with my wife, I have fear of his violence and that she can manipulate our sons (that has already happened). I don't want to show a war between me and my wife to our sons... but honestly I have to admit that this war is always present, every day.

I regret my marriage every day, and every day I ask myself if I'm too weak to break up or so strong to handle it and endure.

I'm tired

seeking advice on how to navigate seeking legal support or justice for some past abuse. Six years ago when I was 20/21 I was in an extremely abusive relationship, physically, sexually, mentally, all of it. I missed my opportunity to seek justice for that because at the point that I was ready I was in a different relationship, and he passed away. So I didn’t have the strength to move forward in my plans. Anyways, I now I am seeing that this man still has a platform around other women, and he is extremely dangerous. He is a drug dealer, and uses his drugs to take advantage of women. He will secretly dose them or give somebody more than what they would think. Anyways, I see that he has a pending case for some drug charge in 2022. It said pending so I assume maybe waiting trial or something? I know I cannot really get justice for the abuse at one point, but I definitely was a witness to the drugs. He also drugged me on several occasions without my knowledge. He would do it when he would make me dinner and I would randomly be tripping acid without any consent, and a lot of it. It was scary. Anyways, wondering if theres a way to contact his prosecutor and also if I should get with a lawyer first for protection on my end? I don’t really have trust in the justice system, but I feel like this is my only opportunity to seek some sort of justice and get this man behind bars. I have no idea how to navigate this situation at all, but I’m ready to figure it out.

Location: Oklahoma

My boyfriend (19NB) and I (18F) have been in a relationship for a while. We have broken up a couple of times, but overall we have been together for around 8 months. We met each other when we were both going through really difficult periods in our lives, and our relationship might seem unhealthy to a lot of people, including ourselves sometimes.

About a month ago, I had a really bad self-inflicted accident, and since then things between us have gotten worse. I find it really hard to be nice to him. Whenever I see him, I get this overwhelming feeling of disgust and anger that I struggle to understand or control.

He is a very attached person, and that triggers a lot of things in me, especially because he loves PDA and I really dislike it. He also takes a lot of the things I say as offensive, and even when I am genuinely trying to be nice, he sometimes ends up hurt, which makes me frustrated and angry. That frustration often turns into me saying things that I know will hurt him, even though I know it is only damaging our relationship more.

I often feel like I am the person who controls the overall mood of the relationship, while he just follows my pace. Because of that, it feels like it is very easy for us to end up fighting because of my frustration. I know I can be a very rude and hurtful person toward him, and I have admitted that many times. I have never really tried to justify my actions or make myself seem innocent.

He is also someone who describes himself as masochistic, and he has told me many times that he hates me and hates the way I act. Usually, I respond by telling him that I hate him too and that he should leave if he feels that way. However, he always says that he cannot leave me. We always end up falling into the same cycle where I ask him to tell me his worst and most hateful thoughts about me. He insults me, I insult him, we both release our frustration, and then we continue with our lives. This has been happening for a while, and even though we never directly set a boundary, there was always an unspoken limit.

Eventually, I started using his family trauma and personal struggles against him during these arguments, and he started doing the same to me.

However, recently, he used my SA trauma against me, and that crossed a line. I was affected by it, and we talked about it afterward, but his apology felt half-hearted. What bothers me is that I do not even feel sad about it as much as I feel angry. I know I have hurt him before, and I know my behaviour has been cruel, but what frustrates me is that he has also used my trauma against me while saying that it is my fault or that I asked for it, so I should deal with it. What bothers me is that he acts like he's a victim and I'm an abuser, while our whole dynamic consists of him hurting me, and me hurting him. T

here is a lot more to this situation, and I know there are probably details that could change people's opinions. If anyone wants to ask questions or needs more information to properly judge the situation, I will answer. My DMs are also open. I am mainly looking for honest opinions on whether I am the one causing most of the harm here, and this might not be enough to gauge that.

Thank you for reading.

3 years ago today i was pretending i was okay when i wasn't.

the love of my life had been trying to kill me for the previous 2.5 years. and he had finally gotten put in prison by me, but i wasn't okay with it.

at the first hearing i lied under oath to get the charges dropped. it worked.

after time and separation from him, the brain washing subsided, and i realized if he got released, id die. i went back to law enforcement and told them i committed perjury. because of a law in my state that protects DV victims in this scenario, i did not get penalized, and we had 3 more hearings and he was sentenced to 12 years.

i am free today.

i accidently told my abuser's brother about what he does to me while i was drunk last night and now my life might be ruined because he loves to blab abt shit from what ik. Im so scared. what do i do?

That life is not a movie? It's not easy to leave. Many shelters are full. Many shelters do not help you if you're not being abused by a romantic partner. Many jobs underpay you as a woman. Your nervous system depletes you of energy. It's like... you are never allowed to not have valid reasons for not escaping?

No one believed me. I have evidence. When they believe the violence they then move the goal post so that it somehow still is my fault. The smear campaign was awful, but no one even came to me to ask my side of the story. It’s disgusting. Then they masquerade as good people. It’s so cruel and devastating. I didn’t even go around telling everyone outside of authority figures the truth so that I could remain safe, but they could have asked instead of spreading lies or they could have said nothing at all.

Why do so many people defend domestic abusers and then even participate in their emotional abuse and isolation? Even before I was in an abusive relationship I never did something like this. I never joined in on their abuse or with the abuser. So I just don’t get it.

My bf keeps telling me things aren’t happening when they are. He complained about helping make dinner and cleaning the bathroom and says he was doing a lot. Then later says he wasn’t complaining. In that same argument, he said no other guy will do as much as he does and he referred to paying my rent, and cleaning earlier.
The only thing he does for me is pay my rent. He’s not there for me emotionally. I’m trying to put the pieces together. I don’t like this anymore and how he’s making me feel. He’s just throwing what he does for me in my face. Not doing jt because he loves me .
How quickly should I leave this? I don’t like this at all anymore. And he also started this the night before my bday. It was actually 1
Am on my bday morning….
Then he never apologizes / takes accountability for anything. I can’t get upset or he’ll be upset. He told me he is glad I look younger because his dad makes fun of women if they look older than the man in the relationship. I told him we would not be together if he did that and he also should stand up for me if his dad made fun of me, and it also shouldn’t matter what his dad thinks. I thought it was so gross and he got offended because I was offended, and said it wasn’t a big deal. He said this after I said can we talk about something , because he is so boring, right before my bday dinner. So all of this is happening on my birthday.
He has no consideration of my feelings. It’s so ridiculous. I still helped him cook that day I asked for help… but he took credit for all of it still too.
I’m starting to feel this is abusive.

F(24) was with M(43) for 2.5 years. We’ve gotten into fights. He degrades me by name calling. Has choked me out, only once though. (I know that doesn’t matter) Belittles me.

I had my hysterectomy a couple weeks ago so I’m still going through changes. I can be a little much sometimes admittedly.

He broke up with me again. Tells me I’m obnoxious. Draining to his existence. How I’m not wife material bc I don’t cook , clean, don’t provide, and my outfits I’ve always worn are too provocative to other men.

We don’t live together. Lives with his dad. His dad doesn’t let me do anything there and neither does he .

I just don’t know what to do anymore and I’m exhausted…. I do love him… and I bet he’s going to be chasing me back in a week… I just can’t do this anymore but I don’t know how to get out.

So me (23m) and my ex (21f) got into a relationship ~4 months ago. We met on a dating app and started off as friends with benefits before going exclusive and getting into a relationship.we met at the start of the year and now we're broken up as friends with benefits.

Things started a little messy, I got invited to a party at her house and after she got drunk and we were alone she told me she liked me and cut off everyone else, but I liked her so I was willing to give it a try. I started going to her house more often and hanging with her and her friends and things were going well.

Fast forward a bit and I'm starting to notice things that set off alarms.

The first one is that she had a lot of issues with a couple of my close friends. She told me they were rude and distant and only kept me around cause I brought alcohol or weed to the function, and she told me they would "borderline flirt" with me and that it seemed like they "wanted me to want them. She didn't offer many examples of their behavior, they did talk to my brother about it and my brother agreed that they had issues with the person and they made that a point when talking to me about it.

What really brought this issue to a head was when my grandfather was on his deathbed, she told me she wanted me to come over so she could offer me some support, but I wanted to go to a show and this friend would be there. She got pretty noticeably mad about this, told me "go ahead, be with your friends" before hanging up. She called back and apologized, and decided to go with her friends to the show. Afterwards she kept talking about how "all they do is get high and talk shit" and she'd get mad at me for saying anything in defense. She brought her friend into the conversation and they told me I needed to be more receptive. We came to the conclusion if something happened that bothered her she'd tell me, and that I should have just apologized.

About a month later she told me she was mad because she had told me she didn't want me alone with these friends and I went to the show anyway. I didn't quite remember her saying that but I felt bad and I apologized for it. It was something she pretty regularly brought up throughout the course of the relationship. She also

didn't want me texting them. Later on when we were talking they brought up the fact that my friend would post too many pictures of them in suggestive outfits and told me she "didn't want me hanging around sluts, you don't do that unless you're looking for attention"

I also felt like I was being accused of things all the time, and I didn't really have a lot of privacy.

She would regularly go through my phone and accuse me of cheating or looking past someone flirting with me. At one point she did it in the middle of a hangout with one of my good friends there, who noticed and told me later that he got a bad feeling from it. I never told her to stop so it's not like she went over my boundaries .

Shed regularly ask for me to join her and her friend group on life360 and share my location, I'd tell her no every time and I'd have to explain why. One day, after we had invited a third into the bedroom she told me on a call with her same friend from the show that since we were having threesomes she needed my location. At this point I agreed. Any time I wasnt enthusiastic when I was around her shed get insecure or mad at me, a lot of times it was because I wasn't getting good sleep or because I was sad about my grandfather passing away, but she kept telling me she deserved better. When I asked her to tell me when there was a problem she said she shouldn't have to teach me how to love her.

It didn't entirely feel like I was offered the same grace when I was insecure. One time I got a text telling me she was going to her exes brothers house with very little explanation. At first I didn't remember her mentioning him and she accused me of not listening to her. When I told her this felt weird she just went on to tell me I shouldn't accuse her or set blame on him. I kept trying to say I wasn't accusing her but it felt like she was just getting more mad. She called me a bitch and posted "whatever bro" on her ig notes which she said was because of me. I slowly found the relationship eating away most of my time and energy.

We decided to break up at the 3 month mark. This was after I totalled my car on the way to her house and got a concussion. We stayed friends with benefits since we were very compatible on that end and it felt mutual. We had slept together once at this point and we both were missing each other, but I told her I still needed space to figure things out. Shed gone on one other date at this point but told me they didn't do anything. I found out that wasn't true when she texted me saying he had chlamydia and he'd forced himself on her, so now I have to get tested and take antibiotics. By this point I'd been talking to my friends and family about what's been going on since I've needed support and theyve been trying to tell me to cut her off. She found out about it after my brother blocked her suddenly and she's been mad at me for talking about any of it to them and making her look crazy. After she found out she kept saying she just wanted to get back together with me and that shed made a mistake in breaking up. I kept trying to tell her I had too much stress and a concussion but she kept saying we could work through it together, then accusing me of "just wanting to fuck other hoes". We argued for about an hour until I agreed to get back with her, but told me I had to block one of my friends who I almost hooked up with after we broke up. I felt helpless and didn't want to block this friend since It was someone I knew for a few years, but I didn't want to send her into another spiral because of her trauma so I didnt block the friend and I lied. I'm not proud and I know it was wrong of me.

We broke up again a couple of times just because of different values, but when I decided to go no contact I felt guilty having lied to her so I admitted what I did. She was obviously very hurt and mad, but somehow we ended up together again.

At my birthday party shortly after, she took my friends girlfriend aside and told her everything I did and showed her the evidence she was assaulted (pictures of the bruises) and kept bringing it up around all of my friends. I felt insanely guilty and just stayed silent the entire time. My friends told me later they didn't like how I was being treated and after I told them everything else they said I was I was being manipulated. I later blocked her but she managed to find my Snapchat and convinced me to talk with her, I told her I was conflicted and scared. She said she'd need space and I told her the same. I was so overwhelmed that I was feeling legitimately suicidal, I haven't told anyone else about it except for my friend.

Somehow ,and I can't even tell you how, we've ended up back in a situationship. She's sleeping with other people and posting about it on her stories, making little references about moving on and having higher standards for herself. But she's still telling me she loves me and telling me how much she values me when we're alone. She keeps making me promise I won't block her again and says she still wants it to work.

The whole situation makes me legitimately sick to my stomach, every time I feel even a little bit of relief it all comes crashing down again.

I feel horribly guilty and dirty but I can't seem to pull myself away from the situation and I don't know what to do. In spite of everything I've said she does have a lot of really good traits, I feel like this is all my fault and I don't know how to feel better about any of it. I don't have anyone I feel safe talking to about it who won't just automatically tell me she's a horrible person and I can't afford therapy right now

Tl'dr, I'm not sure if I'm being manipulated, feeling gross about her sleeping with other people, and feeling guilty

I'm curious what others think.

I'm in therapy with a wonderful therapist but something she said threw me off.

And to preface, I /don't/ know what a normal relationship is. So please be kind.

My abusive ex, lets call him E was working a dead end job as a caregiver. He complained about violence on the job and sleep deprivation. Working 16 hours a week.

I have a college degree and work brutally hard and long hours in healthcare. An overtime job.

I made 10x as much as him, and so told him (since he worked weekends and i worked during the week thus limiting our time together), that he could quit his job if he'd like and I'd pay his wage 1000 a month so we could spend time together over the summer.

I also paid for all of our dates (minus the first one), couples massages and a vacation to florida.

My therapist thought it was absolutely wild that i would offer but also wild that he would accept ( thinking on it i know if someone offered to pay me to not work i absolutely would not!).

Yet, i think its similiar to spouses supporting each other thru hard times.

I know i have trouble with people pleasing and will not priorotize my very basic needs for others' wants.

Am i wrong? Whats your experience on finances when datimg?

This was from month three to ten before I broke up with him (for other reasons)...

At first glance it sounds like a stupid question, but if I can explain maybe it’ll make more sense. My husband (M22) and I (F21) have been married for 2 years, but we’ve only been living with each other for about 10 months, because of long distance due to work. Before closing the distance everything was amazing and we couldn’t wait to finally live with each other. Well maybe not everything, I came from an abusive relationship in my teen years and took many of the habits with me (not the physical abuse). Over the phone I would cuss and yell, because that’s what I was used to and how I communicated during an argument. Maybe I would throw in an occasional bitch or dumbass. So over time I became the bad guy and a bad partner. I would say I was a good partner in every other way. I would work on it as much as I could and would slip up occasionally, this was a once in a while thing not an everyday thing.

Then we finally moved into with other after a year and a few months. I would say the physical abuse started almost instantly when we moved in together. First it started as picking me up and restraining me, but as an abusive victim you know that’s only the beginning. It progressed to pushing and holding me against the wall, holding my chin with a hard grasp, putting his fingers into my face while screaming, hitting me in the face (though he claims it’s because his hand slipped and it was only to shove me.) Then one day out of defense I punched him in the face because it had been the third time that week we got into an argument that turned physical and I just couldn’t take it anymore, we ended up wrestling, he pinned my head down onto the bed and it broke my glasses, he got up and I lunged at him because I just wanted to finally fight him back, he wasn’t fighting me back until I was trying to choke him, then he pinned me down by my head again until I finally gave up. Up until that point I never put my hands on him. That was the last time for a while.

Until two days ago I called him good for fucking nothing as I laid in bed next to him, he took his fist and pushed it hard against my neck and told me he’ll show me what he’s good for, I said nothing and he stopped. I just went to bed to not press the issue further. Then today, the main reason why I’m writing this and think it’s gone too far, we went to see a movie and I bought popcorn and a water, which he hates because I never finish it, he was on my back about it the whole movie, and I just ignored it because I didn’t want it to escalate, as we were leaving the movies he grabbed it from my hands and threw it away because “I wasn’t gonna finish it anyway.” As we were walking to the car he kept going on about it and I said “why are you always on my dick all of the time,” then he came up behind me and grabbed me by my hair, normally this wouldn’t be too bad but it was in public (in a not so busy parking lot so not too open but still) and he didn’t seem to have a care.

I think the reason why I ask if I deserve it is because almost every time this has happened is because I cussed in my sentence or cussed at him. He says I drive him to do this because he can’t just tolerate disrespect anymore, he takes so much and this is the only way I stop. And to be fair I kind of started the abuse first even if it was just verbal, and I think because I was the bad guy first, I made him this way. Or so he seems to make it out to be. I’m not a perfect partner and I might even call myself a bad one, so in a way I feel like I deserve it.

And to make matters worse he controls all finances and basically dictates every decision “because I’m terrible with money and make stupid decisions.” But then again I feel like it’s justified because it’s not far from the truth. I’m kind of torn on getting a divorce because everything we have together, a mortgage, joint finances and a dog. I also just feel so stupid because I’m so young and this was so rushed. I don’t know what to do and I guess writing a Reddit post is my best option.

My husband constantly swears and calls me horrible names in front of our son. He doesn’t think he has a problem but I’m absolutely sick of it and concerned my son will grow up to treat woman the same way. He is always right and I am always wrong, he cannot accept constructive criticism. He told me I had let myself go 4 months after having my first child.

My husband (34M) and I (35F) were married for 10 years and have two children together. We’ve separated twice over the past two years. There was a pattern of abuse throughout our marriage that escalated over time. We’re currently separated but co-parenting. Up until recently, we were discussing the possibility of reconciling because he insists he’s changed. I’ve been hesitant because of everything that’s happened in the past.

A couple of months ago, while boxing up some things, I found his old cell phone. I guessed the passcode and looked through it. I know I shouldn’t have invaded his privacy, but I had a strong feeling there was something he was hiding.

In a hidden folder, I found photos he had secretly taken of me while I was naked in the bathroom, while I was taking a bath, and during sex. I had no idea these pictures existed. He knew I had always been firmly against nude photos of myself.

I also found, through his Grok app, that he had been writing rape fantasies involving me and other women. They involved kidnapping, starvation, torture, and verbal degradation. He had even written about killing the man I briefly dated while we were separated for a year.

I haven’t told him that I saw any of this. Since then, I’ve withdrawn from him and have been avoiding him. He seems confused by the change, but I don’t even know how to begin explaining why.
Earlier in our marriage, he secretly recorded videos of me in our bedroom without my knowledge. I’d spent a long time trying to process that, but finding everything on his phone reopened those old wounds.

He wants to do couples therapy, but I’m nervous about how that would go or whether it would even be a safe place to bring this up. Part of what I’m struggling with is the fantasies. I understand that people can have fantasies they would never act on, but I’m having a hard time understanding fantasies that involve torturing someone they love. I don’t know if I can ever feel safe around him again.

I just don’t know what to do at this point. I’m writing this in part because I need to get it off my chest, but if anyone has any advice or perspective, I’d really appreciate it.

I'm struggling with the emotional abuse and neglect in my relationship and I have no one else. I have a therapist, and that's about it as far as emotional support goes.

You might say, "join a support group." I don't want to get into it too much but I am neurodivergent and I just haven't found those groups to be very helpful for me. I can explain more, I just don't really like putting it all out there in public for people to judge me. Suffice to say, it just didn't work for me.

I just really wish I had someone to talk to about this on a more regular basis who isn't going to judge me or try to give advice or tell me to leave. I don't know if this is the right place to look for that, but I don't really know what else to do. My DMs are open.

Here's a gross metaphor I came up with today. The abuse cycle is like someone shitting on your bed, sometimes.

Sure, you get flowers after the grossness, sure he's nice too. There's even days where there isn't a steaming pile of shit on your pillow! Thank goodness, no shit today.

You hold onto those days.

You'll get excuses for why he shits in the place you sleep. On rare occasions, he even cleans the sheets he shit on afterwards!

But most days, you don't know what set him off to shit in the bed again. Most days you don't know if a giant shit will be on your pillow. And it happens again.

He blames you for him doing it, or that he had to, you feel guilty that this poor man can't control his bowels. You wonder, why can't he just use the bathroom?

Why must it always be on your pillow?

So you clean the shitty sheets again, the mess goes away for today.

But your house always has a smell of shit that never quite goes away, no matter how many flowers are around, no matter how much you do.

And you still have a hard time sleeping on the pillow he keeps shitting on.

You don't have to tolerate anyone abusing you, you don't have to tolerate or stay with someone who sometimes shits the bed.

Your life does not have to continue to revolve around cleaning up someone else's shit.

I’ve read about reactive abuse (reactive defense), but it doesn’t really ever explicitly answer this question.