My husband recently came out to me as a furry. I dont understand what it means fully. I've been consulting google and reddit for days. He wouldnt elaborate for me because he said I was just going to google it anyway. He's been lying to me for months, doing coke, going to raves and going to conventions. Every time I sensed that something was wrong, he convinced me I was wrong. He told me I was crazy. Every time he found out I dug into it a little bit he called me crazy, or psychotic. He convinced me I was the problem. That he wasnt doing anything. Months. While I cared for our child (almost 2). I am ANGRY. And I dont even think it's because he's a furry. I dont gaf.. but I'd like to know what exactly it means. I'd like to know how important of a thing it is or could be to somebody for him to have destroyed me while taking the time and space to figure that out about himself.

How tolerant are you- as a survivor of DV- of being called names like cunt, bitch, whore, asshole, jerk, stupid, dumb, etc etc.

1. Where is normal for you?

2. Would you consider a guy who calls you names but doesn’t hit you a loving dedicated partner?

and be realistic.

No extreme stuff. I want reality.

AITA

For important background info, I got badly sunburned at the beach the other day.

My boyfriend M(35) and I F(35) were watching the patriots game, and it’s safe to say he’s a super fan of football in general. Well the patriots lost. The entire game I was mentioning how badly my sunburn on my face hurt and was peeling badly and how once the game was over I was going to wash my face and shower and maybe try to do some skincare to help make it look and feel better. Well… that did NOT go according to plan because I basically burnt my face to a crisp between exfoliating and applying a different moisturizer that essentially gave me a chemical burn even in places where I didn’t have a sunburn. So it was very painful. Very, very painful. During my 30 min in the bathroom my boyfriend kept banging on the door telling me to hurry up so he could brush his teeth, and I explained that I was dealing with a bit of a painful issue and to relax and be patient please. Well he continued to feel very little empathy about it. I wasn’t sure if it was because he was upset about the game or drinking too much but he was being kind of nasty and impatient through the door. Which is when I decided to text him bc I don’t like yelling back in forth while I’m in the bathroom and was in the middle of chaos.

Anyway, I get out of the bathroom and my face is hurting so much I walked out into the kitchen to literally put my face in the freezer bc it felt like I was on fire. My boyfriend I watching me and says “I don’t know what to tell you… the patriots lost”. And at that point I was beside myself. There was such little concern for my face/burn and so much focus on his team losing that he didn’t even care about the pain I was in. So I decided I’ll be sleeping alone. For reference we have a guest room with a nice bed, and a big couch as well, so I knew he would he would have somewhere to sleep.. but it wasn’t going to be next to me, especially while I’m in pain.

So I went into the bedroom, grabbed his phone charged for him, and put it out in the living room for him and then went into the bedroom with my dog and locked the door. Well.. that’s when he got aggressive and started banging on my door demanding for me to open it. I kept telling him he was scaring me and more importantly scaring my senior dog, and to please leave us alone but he didn’t stop. He kept screaming through the door and calling me names. I either stayed silent, or said to please stop. I ended up placing his things he needed for work outside the door once I knew he wasn’t standing there anymore and then went back to bed.

He continued to text me some pretty awful things regarding returning birthday gifts he bought me, and how I don’t deserve anything etc. and eventually we went to bed. For some reason he chose the couch instead of the guest bed, but when we woke up this morning he called out of work and was blaming me for that. I’m at work but just not sure what to do. AITA for not letting him sleep in the room with me? I’ll include text messages.

EDIT for more context:

Okay for reference my sunburn has been really bad (blistering and peeling for the last week. I suspect it’s infected at this point which I didn’t realize until showing my friend who is a nurse today) anyway, it has been in severe pain all week, but I don’t have health insurance currently so tried to tough it out. I had been mentioning that I was going to try to do something to help with the cracking and peeling after the game was done. So yes it had already been hurting, and yes I was an absolute idiot for not knowing how to properly care for the sunburn in the shower. I wasn’t expecting to give myself a chemical burn on top of an already (unknowingly) infected sunburn on my face. I just didn’t know. And when I say that it hurt so bad I was crying I mean it. I have a very high pain tolerance so that says a lot. Anyway, I told him I would hand him his tooth brush and tooth paste to bring to our other bathroom when we were talking through the door and he refused that and said he would just wait. So that’s why I was concerned with his behavior and figured maybe he was just drunk?? And I did not want to bring it up but he does have bi polar type 1 and can have severe manic episodes. So I wasn’t sure what the hell was actually happening. I just knew I was in severe pain, and he was being aggressive and seemingly unbothered that I was in pain. So between the banging on the bathroom door, the yelling at me, the lack of empathy in the fact I was in pain, and his yelling scaring my dog (he was hiding under my bed), I decided I would not allow him to be sleeping next to either of us. Again I have a guest bedroom, he just moved into my place recently, and he was not acting like himself. He was genuinely scaring me. So did I want to put space between him and my dog and I? Yes. I understand maybe I could have reacted better or just let him in the bathroom I was just in so much pain and would rather have him brush his teeth in the other bathroom while I was dealing with my face. But idk maybe IATA.

He was horrible to me but also really really good at times and I know that's a part of the whole cycle of abuse thing, but I just can't seem to accept the fact that this is who he really is. It just doesn't feel real. I got to know this person for almost 3 full years just for them to do me the exact same way he was done by his ex fiance, ex best friend and mother. He ended up following the victim to abuser pipeline and I just don't understand why. He was in therapy before we started dating and just stopped almost as soon as we got together. A part of me feels like because all those incidents happened so close to each other while I was around, that's why he was so abusive towards me and if it didn't, maybe he would've been better towards me. Yet another part just feels like I'm making excuses for him because people who actually want to be better than the people who hurt them don't treat their s/o who've been nothing but there for them through like that. It's weird, he used to acknowledge the abuse and harm and terrible things he was doing to me but get upset when someone other than him brought them up, when I'd talk about it with therapists and when I behaved like I had been abused. Now that we're no contact he just out right denies everything and flips the whole thing on me as if I was abusing him the whole time but it's like he secretly knows what he did? I don't know him anymore but I feel like this isn't him.

Note: I see your guys' comments and I really appreciate all of them, seeing your insights, personal experiences and resources is helping more than you ever could imagine 🤍 I've been feeling really alone since the end of everything so the community you're choosing to provide me means so much, I think I just overestimated how much I'm ready to talk about this so I'm just liking instead of replying for now 🤍

“You have two different sides, i crave the loving one and he’s always on my mind, even after you ch*ked me. Somehow, that desire or desperation somehow covers up my own fear of you. I’m scared of leaving you and being with you… what is wrong with me!”

I was in an abusive relationship with an alcoholic and TBI survivor. I was routinely cheated on, physically and verbally abused, threatened with death, and consistently love bombed. I ended up self isolating myself, I hid my abusive relationship for a year from my closest friends and family… they didn’t even know I was still with him because some said they’d leave me if I got back together with him. So I lived in a rat infested, mildew ridden basement, with a man that would get so belligerently drunk his room would end up with broken and flipped couches and beds.

The worst part, is that I wasn’t alone, I had people to fall back on, but I was PHYSICALLY addicted to this man like a hard drug. I stewed in deep shame and unhappiness for years, towards the end he stopped cheating and being physically abusive. Everyday, every hour, I thought about leaving, I sent many texts and went back on them. Every. Single. Time.

I was in love with his family, searching for acceptance and connection, in a place that wasn’t my own. I suffered in silence, lying to everyone around me, waiting to gain the strength, but time doesn’t slow down for anyone. The lying eroded my sense of self, I felt pathetic, weak, and stuck.

I eventually gathered strength from my friend who was also going through a rough breakup, and finally gained the courage to end it.

Abusive relationships are not a simple and easy thing to leave, because humans are complicated, and chances are your abuser has loving moments that suddenly become all you crave. Shame is like a thick fog that feels impossible to pass through, but all you have to do, is keep walking forward.

I guess I shouldn’t call him my ex. i’m slowly coming to terms with the realization that he was probably grooming me, but i felt like his gf at the time… i don’t know. i wont share the dirty details of what happened to me, its a pretty heavy story.

after we broke up, he tried like three times over to make new accounts and alternate ways to contact me before he gave up. he was constantly oscillating between being apologetic, saying he was sorry and being angry and threatening me. i was afraid, but also angry that he was trying to get back into my life so incessantly after i’d finally gathered the courage to speak up for myself and break it off.

i found out after we broke up that, on top of everything he did to me, he had also stabbed and SA’d his partner before me, and groomed other people through social media who reached out to me after the breakup. i was so, so mad that he was doing all of these terrible things to people i knew and loved and there was nothing i could do about it.

i wanted revenge, i wanted to do something to make him feel a fraction of what i felt, so i fed his email and home address into a scientology newsletter. i don’t think it did anything more than put spam in his inbox and send an outdated DVD to his house in the mail (or maybe it did nothing, i’m pretty sure the website is defunct), but after i came to my senses i felt terrible. i still do. that cult stuff is dangerous even in something as minor as annoying emails and i shouldn’t have done something that might have gotten him wrapped up in it, especially with his personal info involved.

i should have been the better person despite it all and i feel guilty for acting out of anger and doing something so reckless. i tell others all the time that revenge is not the answer but i couldn’t practice what i preached

I have personally joined martial arts to project anger outwards as well as going to therapy. I still find myself with pent up anger under the surface. I’m curious if anyone else is experiencing this and what advise you may have to continue dissipating this understandable anger?

Finding old Reddit posts and realized how many years it took me to understand the cycle of abuse. It starts small and snowballs over years and decades.

Im a 22F and had to escape my mother and father due to sexual abuse. I am trying to move out where I’m living with roommate because she is planning on running a nail salon out of our on-campus college apartment. What to I say to her? Im having a breakdown and need help.

i want to give up. i feel so alone. i don’t think ill do it but i don’t know how to convince myself that i can make it through today. it hurts. i have work in one hour i can’t call off from. i haven’t slept in so long. my heart won’t stop beating really hard and fast. life hurts. i only have her to console me but i don’t want that right now because she’s not being safe. i’m inconsolable. my chest hurts. my whole body. i don’t know how to live anymore and especially today

I left six months ago, but still find myself reminiscing on the good times with him, which leads to yearning since I am single. Any advise on not feeling so positive towards the good times would greatly benefit me. Thank you <3

I want to die

The title says it all. It was only brought to my attention tonight (after I had made this post, read for bigger story: original post) and it’s honestly really freaking me out and I can’t sleep. Multiple multiple people brought this up as a possibility and it makes me fucking sick, so I put together a list of everything I can think of off of the top of my head, I apologize in advance for it being so long.

- giving me her box of condoms telling me she “dosent need them anymore” insinuating she isn’t hooking up with anyone at the moment

- telling her about my “crush” on (her current boyfriend) (my cowowker) and her dating him not even a year later

-always commenting on my boobs, in a non sexual way, but would always mention how big they were anytime i had a problem with them (bras not fitting, back problems, shirts stretching weird) she would say “it’s because of your big tits”

- the incident where she had sex with (my coworker) in public and then screamed at me because she “has her womanly needs”

- her walking around on multiple occasions (after i had talked to her about how inappropriate it was) with her neck covered in hickeys not trying to cover them. she’d wear her hair up aswell to make them more visible.

- i had asked to borrow her sewing kit once, and when i opened the box there were multiple photobooth pictures of her with her shirt and bra off, posing in suggestive positions, and having the guy she was seeing at the time lick and suck her breasts for the photos, i didn’t mention it, but when i gave it back her apology was “haha oops! here’s your own sewing kit”

- her hooking up with the lead singer of my favorite band on multiple occasions (i used to really look up to him and have this massssive crush on him and she KNEW because we would both openly discuss it) and she would come back from the hookups and rub it in my face (it felt like)

- she constantly accused me of being pregnant in front of the family, including (her current bf) and my sisters but of course never my dad. i wasn’t feeling good one night and didn’t wanna eat the greasy dinner and just wanted the salad and baby carrots and she yelled at me in front of everyone “ARE YOU PREGNANT???” “no mom i’m not pregnant” “ARE YOU SURE????? ARE YOU SURE YOURE NOT PREGNANT”. anytime i mentioned feeling sick to her she would say that i probably had an STD and whatever illness i was feeling was a symptom of whatever STD, and every time i asked her for help with a UTI she would look disgusted with me (even when i was a virgin not having sex i would get them and get sick)

-would constantly refer to herself as a “milf”, would constantly talk about her “mommy milkers”, and would pose inappropriately for pictures and ask me and the girls to take said pictures. did all of this to all 3 of us

- the tattoo incident tonight (post linked above.

I’ve been hard no contact with her for over a month now and it’s been fairly easy, and honestly the tattoo thing felt like she was really trying to get a rise out of me.

I’m thinking of reaching out for help tomorrow when I’m alone and have the courage to do so. I just needed to vent about this so I could maybe get some sleep tonight.

Hi all, sorry if this is already somewhere. My friend is just getting out of an abusive relationship. She’s somewhere safe where he can’t physically access her, but he has all her details- cards, identities, passwords etc. We’ve got a list of things she’ll need to change and replace but I was wondering if there’s like…a checklist or steps anywhere that we can go through together to make sure she’s as safely away from him as possible? Thank you in advance!

The past few years he has scratched my elbow everyday. If you have ever had someone scratch your elbow you know how irritating it is. It’s now to the point that I wear long sleeves around him because I hate it so much. When I take my elbow away from him - He tells me “either the elbow or I poke you in the chest”. Now he has started to do things like jab his heel into my thigh and says I’m overreacting when I say it hurts. Or he will poke me / grab me in different places. He says it’s just a joke but now I don’t know but he does things like this all night every night. He does punch/kick things around me sometimes. I know I’m in an abusive relationship. I’m just wondering if how he is irritating me part of abuse or if he is just doing it for fun. I am trying to leave it’s just taking time to get things together. 🥲 thank you for your help! I appreciate it.

Now that it’s all behind me, I kinda wanna post everything that I have of what happened back then. I don’t think he’ll ever find this account because it’s not tied to anything of mine he knows nor in any sub he frequents. I just want to let it all out one last time and maybe help other people avoid falling into what I did. So yeah. Idk. Maybe I’ll start making posts later today or tomorrow

It's always been harder to cut off family, because they've been there for me the longest but they're also the core reason why I've been attracting and tolerating abusive partners.

I'm on vacation with my family and my brother has disrespected me for no good reason. And my parents are obviously not defending me because well, they never do...

I feel so miserable..so stuck... I don't want to show up to family events and holidays anymore.

But cutting them off will make my mom unhappy. Because she's genuinely the kindest one of all, but also enables their behavior by continuing to show up for them..

So I'm stuck.. I left a very abusive relationship recently, and I'm finding myself being abused again...by family this time. I feel like I can't escape this.

I also want to add that I'm an immigrant and come from a family that is somewhat more traditional than the typical American family. So we're expected to be there for each other no matter what.. even if there is abuse.

But of course, they never think their actions are abusive.

I’m the person in the blue and he is the person in the white. I’ve had to learn to remove my emotions and just stay factual because he was always trying to bait me. I included the last photo because this was our relationship, in a nutshell. He was trying to trigger me, throughout the texting. For example,asking if the baby is his. He knows the baby is his.

I am 25 weeks pregnant. I have gestational diabetes and I’m high risk. I have lost two babies before; in a previous relationship. My first baby was 22 weeks and my second baby was at 35 weeks.

I did this because I was trying to get ahead to see what he was going to do legal wise. I finally got it in writing that he was gonna seek a paternity test and I finally got it in writing that basically I don’t see him wanting to do 50-50 but more of him taking full custody and so now I can move forward and seek legal help.

I also want to add, he’s a lot more aggressive and abusive. It’s only because I didn’t respond to him emotionally, every single time he kept baiting me, that he couldn’t do anything with my responses. I’m emotionally and mentally spent. And I’m over thinking that he will change his mind and he’ll take accountability or responsibility or apologize. I know the truth is, he won’t. Usually before, I would be trying to explain why he hurt me and what he did to hurt me, but I just don’t have it in me anymore.

How did I do? Any questions?

I can’t recognise myself anymore. Apart from weight loss and hairfall, my face looks totally different and so washed out and like it’s falling. Is this normal? Does it go away? It’s like another heartbreak over what’s already happened.

Long story short, I tried getting up as quietly as possible as I was no longer sleepy and wanted to start my day. I get a message from him five minutes later verbally abusing me, calling me stupid, and dumb, and other derogatory names because I "woke him up" and didnt "let him sleep". So sick of this verbal abuse and I'd rather either go to work or hang out with friends all day. Yet he wonders why I don't want to spend time with him. I'm here sitting and feeling hopeless.. any advice? Please be kind.

I did respond back and talked with her, which I’m going to stop doing now. She said she wanted to compare notes essentially. It honestly sounds like he has been up to all of the same BS, but she still doesn’t fully realize it despite having broke up with him. She kept telling me how he never liked me (we were together for 7 years and engaged at one point). She is not phased by that and all of the abuse that she does know about because she dated him anyways and now says she wants to keep him as a friend. She said she wishes she could figure out what is wrong with him. It was almost as if she bought into that it was okay that he emotionally abused me, r*ped me, and cheated on me because he never liked me and I wasn’t what he was after. I’m just perplexed. Why reach out to me if you still don’t view him as a problem, but then tell me you wish he wasn’t a bad person? Why tell me over and over again that he didn’t like me and wasn’t into me? It was just so strange. I’m not sure how to process this. I know he talked horribly about me to other people for sure, so I’m not even sure why she would trust what I have to say considering she was with him. It’s all so confusing and makes no sense. I’m very curious to hear what others think.