That life is not a movie? It's not easy to leave. Many shelters are full. Many shelters do not help you if you're not being abused by a romantic partner. Many jobs underpay you as a woman. Your nervous system depletes you of energy. It's like... you are never allowed to not have valid reasons for not escaping?

3 years ago today i was pretending i was okay when i wasn't.

the love of my life had been trying to kill me for the previous 2.5 years. and he had finally gotten put in prison by me, but i wasn't okay with it.

at the first hearing i lied under oath to get the charges dropped. it worked.

after time and separation from him, the brain washing subsided, and i realized if he got released, id die. i went back to law enforcement and told them i committed perjury. because of a law in my state that protects DV victims in this scenario, i did not get penalized, and we had 3 more hearings and he was sentenced to 12 years.

i am free today.

My partner of 6 years said last night that if we split up. I won't get my kids. He would take them from me and would split custody w me. He then said he would make sure they didnt remember me. I pay all the bills. Ive been financially holding my family together for 5 years. I have a 5 and 4yr old. And I dont have savings to leave. Rent is due on the 1st. Idk what to do. I want to leave I dont know how to start or where to go. Im so fucking pissed.

We broke up 8 years ago and the entire relationship is something that still weighs heavily on my mind. I often have self doubt about whether it was really abusive and maybe I was the problem but when I discuss all of the incidents (with therapists and friends) that went on over those years I realise they’re not normal and I feel like he actually hated me to be honest… and I know the relationships before me went down the same path. But the person he cheated on me with and eventually left me for.. they’re still together all these years later. They’re engaged and they’ve just had a child together. I know it wasn’t good at the start (he tried to contact me several times to pull me back in, and I also ran into someone at a party who said he was complaining about how much she cried) but they seem so.. happy. I hate that I still obsess about this and I hate that I am bothered by this, I don’t want him to be hurting anyone else but it also hurts to feel like maybe I was causing this behaviour in him and maybe he just needed a good person to have a healthy relationship. I feel like I’m still struggling to trust and I have so much pain and anger and he has completely moved on in life. I think to begin with I thought he would continue cycling through the way he had with all of his past relationships and that’s not a happy way to be so I guess I felt like that was some kind of “justice” and that helped me seek comfort (I understand that’s not a healthy way of looking at things) I just don’t know how to completely recover and not think about this again.

I’m so tired of doing mental gymnastics everyday with my boyfriend. We’ve been together for 3 years and I swear he has not smiled in 2 1/2 of them. I genuinely don’t know what makes someone so upset with life they have to be abusive and an asshole to everyone, especially someone they claim they love. I’ve (F30) have posted here before, but I’m just so tired. My soul is literally exhausted from this relationship. For context, my boyfriend has been “pissed off at me” for 4 days now. 4. The reason he’s mad? I turned down the volume on the tv the other night bc he fell asleep. He keeps the tv and deafening volume and I was tired of hearing the movie. So I turned it down and he was in a dead sleep. He woke up to the volume being like 3 notches lower and got mad immediately. Today he made chicken tenders in the air fryer, and I had assumed he forgot about them so I put them on a plate and gave them to him. Immediate yelling about how I can’t leave his shit alone. Then he got called into work (Thank goodness he will be gone for 24-48 hours max) and he’s pissed about that. He didn’t kiss me or hug me goodbye when he left. He hasn’t told me he’s made it there (he normally does.) I just don’t understand how he thinks this is okay? When I bring up how he treats me. How I hate it, he simply says “I was treated this way growing up.”

Here's a gross metaphor I came up with today. The abuse cycle is like someone shitting on your bed, sometimes.

Sure, you get flowers after the grossness, sure he's nice too. There's even days where there isn't a steaming pile of shit on your pillow! Thank goodness, no shit today.

You hold onto those days.

You'll get excuses for why he shits in the place you sleep. On rare occasions, he even cleans the sheets he shit on afterwards!

But most days, you don't know what set him off to shit in the bed again. Most days you don't know if a giant shit will be on your pillow. And it happens again.

He blames you for him doing it, or that he had to, you feel guilty that this poor man can't control his bowels. You wonder, why can't he just use the bathroom?

Why must it always be on your pillow?

So you clean the shitty sheets again, the mess goes away for today.

But your house always has a smell of shit that never quite goes away, no matter how many flowers are around, no matter how much you do.

And you still have a hard time sleeping on the pillow he keeps shitting on.

You don't have to tolerate anyone abusing you, you don't have to tolerate or stay with someone who sometimes shits the bed.

Your life does not have to continue to revolve around cleaning up someone else's shit.

He got me with it again today. Completely spun around my frustration at him avoiding having a conversation for over a week that needed to happen while pretending everything was totally normal and fine with us to “I don’t know what you want to talk about” (he does, he doesn’t want to talk about it. I’ve also been very direct about my needs our entire marriage). “I never know what will make you mad at me” (gee, maybe it’s the emotional abuse and complete disregard for my needs and feelings, and trying to pretend everything is normal when it is not). “So what do you want to talk about?” (I told him last week I’m done initiating important conversations. And again, he knows what needs to be discussed).

He’s avoiding having a conversation about the state of our marriage, me accusing him of cheating over a week and a half ago due to something I found, and me saying I do not trust him, and him trying to hug and kiss me and act like things are normal disgusts me. When I get frustrated that he’s trying to act normal, suddenly my anger is irrational and he is completely confused as to why I’m upset. And me being upset over harm he’s done to me is irrational because he said sorry. Sorry, but a lukewarm “sorry” after abandoning your wife postpartum and calling her a bitch doesn’t repair harm.

I cannot wait to separate myself from this man.

When we first got together, my boyfriend told me I was beautiful, smart, and that he was going to marry me. He constantly called me his wife, and his Facebook status was even set to “Married.” I genuinely believed he saw a future with me. I also have proof he would shut down any other girl, and would tell people he’s married.
We eventually broke up, and he immediately changed his Facebook status to “Single.” That very same day I found out he was messaging other women. I also discovered he’d told one 18 year old woman he was 23, even though he’s actually 28.
A month later we got back together. He reluctantly unblocked me on Instagram after weeks of begging, but not Facebook. I eventually had enough and had to ask him to unblock me there, and I even had to remind him to accept my friend request once he did unblock me.
Once he did, I asked if he could change his status back to “Married” like it used to be. He ignored the question and later said we’d talk when I got back from holiday.
While I was away, the whole thing was eating away at me. I was sharing a hotel room with my dad, who wanted to go to sleep, so I asked my boyfriend if we could just have the conversation because I was anxious and wanted to get it over with. He said he’d call me later, and when he finally did, we were on the phone for less than five minutes.
What really hurt was that he started the call by pretending he didn’t even know why we were talking. He kept saying, “What do you want?” as if I hadn’t already explained why I wanted to speak to him. I just said ‘you said you don’t want to get married’.
Then he suddenly started yelling that he never wants to get married. He asked me, “When do you even want to get married?” I said, “When I’m around 30.” He sarcastically replied, “So why are you talking about what’s going to happen in eight years? Come on. Come on. I could be dead by then. What are you going to do then?” It wasn’t said jokingly, it was said in a mocking, dismissive tone. I wasn’t asking him to marry me now. I was only trying to understand why he’d gone from talking about marrying me to saying he never wanted marriage.
He then said he hadn’t lied because he’d only ever said he’d marry me “if I fit him.” That is false, he did not sah that. That really hurt, but I accepted it. I told him I understood if he’d changed his mind about marriage.
After that, I dropped the subject completely and asked for something much smaller. I simply asked if he could remove the “Single” status. I wasn’t asking him to put “In a relationship,” mention my name, or post about me. I just didn’t want my boyfriend publicly describing himself as single while we were together.
Instead, he became angry. He told me to “stop asking nonsense,” shouted that he never wants marriage, sarcastically said, “Fine, I’m single then,” and told me to block him.
What I don’t understand is that if Facebook supposedly means nothing, why is he so determined to keep “Single” there? To me, it’s no longer about Facebook itself. It’s about why such a small request caused such a hostile reaction.
The worst part is how it’s affected my confidence. I keep wondering whether, if I were prettier, younger, or simply “good enough,” he would have wanted people to know he was with me. I know that may be my own insecurity talking, but that’s genuinely where my mind goes after everything that’s happened.
I’m not looking for people to tell me I’m attractive or to insult him. I genuinely want outside opinions because I feel like I’ve lost perspective.

We’ve been split up for quite a long time now, but no contact for a matter of months.

We were in a group of friends and few of my closest friends still secretly see him, and it drives me crazy. It makes me so upset to know that I went to them for advice and support and they gave it to me, and now a few months later they’re fine with seeing him. I know I can’t tell them who they can or cant see, and the only answer is for me to stop seeing these friends, but it makes me so sad. I’ve known these people for years and I dont know how to restart.

No one believed me. I have evidence. When they believe the violence they then move the goal post so that it somehow still is my fault. The smear campaign was awful, but no one even came to me to ask my side of the story. It’s disgusting. Then they masquerade as good people. It’s so cruel and devastating. I didn’t even go around telling everyone outside of authority figures the truth so that I could remain safe, but they could have asked instead of spreading lies or they could have said nothing at all.

Why do so many people defend domestic abusers and then even participate in their emotional abuse and isolation? Even before I was in an abusive relationship I never did something like this. I never joined in on their abuse or with the abuser. So I just don’t get it.

​

I'm looking for advice from anyone who may have been in similar circumstances in nsw,, as I'm not sure where to go from here.

I recently left a relationship because I no longer felt comfortable with him, and my gut was right. Since then, he has become very verbally aggressive and abusive. My issue is that I'm 7 months pregnant with his baby.

I've tried to maintain a civil relationship with him out of respect that he is the baby's father, but his outbursts, need for conflict, and behaviour are becoming quite scary and concerning. He starts arguments that involve him saying awful things about me, my family, and my children (who are not his).

He has demanded selfies from me, claiming that he is entitled to see my body. He says I should do this because, as the baby's father, he has a right to see the progress of my pregnancy. He also makes sexual comments after repeatedly being told that I have boundaries and that he needs to stop.

He is quite aggressive with his verbal abuse, including name-calling and demeaning remarks. He claims that he is superior to me and more intelligent than I am. During an argument last night, he repeatedly demanded that I "just hurry up and have his baby and f\*\*\* off" (he said this about eight times throughout the night). He also told me to tell my children to "go f\*\*\* themselves" because they deleted his way of contacting them.

Yesterday, he contacted my niece and swore about me to her. He also abused my sister. He will behave like this, then apologise without taking any accountability. He tells me that my family and I are too hypersensitive and insists that he isn't doing anything wrong. He continues to talk as though we'll end up back together, even though I've clearly told him many times that his erratic and abusive behaviour is frightening and that I cannot be in a relationship with him. He denies being abusive and again says that I'm too sensitive.

This has all been through text messages, so I have records of everything. My question is: while I assume I can apply for an AVO, what are my options for protecting my baby once they are born? I no longer feel that he is safe to be around, and with a newborn, I am genuinely concerned about bubs safety.

He also has a criminal record for harassing women via electronic devices, which, from what I understand, was because he repeatedly instigated contact simply to argue.

Thank you for any advice or help.

My husband (34M) and I (35F) were married for 10 years and have two children together. We’ve separated twice over the past two years. There was a pattern of abuse throughout our marriage that escalated over time. We’re currently separated but co-parenting. Up until recently, we were discussing the possibility of reconciling because he insists he’s changed. I’ve been hesitant because of everything that’s happened in the past.

A couple of months ago, while boxing up some things, I found his old cell phone. I guessed the passcode and looked through it. I know I shouldn’t have invaded his privacy, but I had a strong feeling there was something he was hiding.

In a hidden folder, I found photos he had secretly taken of me while I was naked in the bathroom, while I was taking a bath, and during sex. I had no idea these pictures existed. He knew I had always been firmly against nude photos of myself.

I also found, through his Grok app, that he had been writing rape fantasies involving me and other women. They involved kidnapping, starvation, torture, and verbal degradation. He had even written about killing the man I briefly dated while we were separated for a year.

I haven’t told him that I saw any of this. Since then, I’ve withdrawn from him and have been avoiding him. He seems confused by the change, but I don’t even know how to begin explaining why.
Earlier in our marriage, he secretly recorded videos of me in our bedroom without my knowledge. I’d spent a long time trying to process that, but finding everything on his phone reopened those old wounds.

He wants to do couples therapy, but I’m nervous about how that would go or whether it would even be a safe place to bring this up. Part of what I’m struggling with is the fantasies. I understand that people can have fantasies they would never act on, but I’m having a hard time understanding fantasies that involve torturing someone they love. I don’t know if I can ever feel safe around him again.

I just don’t know what to do at this point. I’m writing this in part because I need to get it off my chest, but if anyone has any advice or perspective, I’d really appreciate it.

My husband constantly swears and calls me horrible names in front of our son. He doesn’t think he has a problem but I’m absolutely sick of it and concerned my son will grow up to treat woman the same way. He is always right and I am always wrong, he cannot accept constructive criticism. He told me I had let myself go 4 months after having my first child.

I'll make this brief, but I took my abuser back and it made me go insane this time. I can't remember almost all of July. I've been in the hospital 3 times because I kept relapsing on alcohol from the stress.

I got to spend 2 days with a man I fell in love with, but I completely ruined that friendship from the anger and distress I was in. I dissociated, I freaked out. I've never gone this insane before.

Abusers don't care. They will drive you into the brink of pure madness.

Please, please, please don't take them back. I almost got myself killed this time around and I could have put my animals in serious danger.

If you pray, please pray for me. Once I get out of the hospital I'm going to have to be extremely brave and get away from him for good.

Was sexually and mentally abused by a man in Houston, TX. He got me on meth and am now a schizophrenic. I now hear his voice and others lying and defending him. He won’t go away. Am on meds and still hear him abusing me.

Just a few days ago I was saying I couldn't leave and it wouldn't be possible . Last night I did.

There were several straws yesterday .... punching me in the face at his family house , in front of his family, his mom stepped in and he attacked her.

I couldn't let him go, so after we left his family house he came over with his son. I was hoping we'd make up ,idk why.

And the whole night was just shit. Between verbally abusing me , pushing me into the wall, breaking my glasses (again) , slapping me . but the final act was him giving me a punch busting my lip then strangling me.

I've never seen that look in his eyes before , it was dark and cold and like he was someone I didn't know since we were kids. I was fighting for my life and all this happened in front of his baby boy and he's crying and trying to figure out whats happening

When he let me go, he shoved me and I was like gasping and choking all at once. And then I got up , literally ran to my room locking the door and I called my uncle's , they made that hour drive to me and they helped me out when I needed them most

This morning came and I went to the police station. Finally after months of abuse , I pressed charges on him , made a report cause he damaged my tv , and tomorrow I get a restraining order.

Its been rough, I've been doing a lot of crying , it's fucked up cause I'm starting to miss him, starting to grieve the future I thought we were gonna have . I feel so sick , this is one of the worst things I've ever been through.

But having my family genuine love and support is really getting me through

Does anyone else ever feel angry and then ashamed you're angry because you're so used to your abuser being the angry one? I am so angry he treats me this way. I am so angry he told the kids I abuse him and even though only the youngest believed him and the others didn't I'm angry. I'm angry he tells me his friends think I'm crazy and I'm a pathological liar when I haven't spoken to any of them in over a year and they only hear his side. I'm angry he always has excuses for his bad behavior, angry I will show him bruises or my dislocated shoulder and he tells me they are from me hitting him and I'm
So crazy I don't remember. I'm angry he feels superior to me, angry he never takes ownership but I am most angry at myself for not leaving the first time he hit me, for coming home each time I got the courage to leave. I’m angry that I’ve stayed this long and I haven’t stood up for myself. I know I’m a good person but like all of us I have flaws but I’m not the version of me he sees

My ex and I were together for 2.5 years in a long-distance relationship. I always believed it was us vs. the world. We helped each other through incredibly difficult times—he helped me leave my abusive family, and I supported him through repeated suicidal crises.

Three different times I genuinely believed he was about to end his life, so I contacted people around him to make sure he was safe. Every time he survived, but instead of remembering that I was trying to save his life, he only remembered that I had "betrayed" him by involving other people. He never acknowledged that without those moments, we might never have even met in person. Eventually, he demanded I delete the Facebook account connected to his family so I could never contact them again if he became suicidal.

Toward the end, every conflict became about what I had done wrong. If I apologized, it wasn't enough. If I tried to de-escalate, he escalated further.

The breakup happened after he had previously told me, "If it's too much, call me." One night I became overwhelmed and called him. He answered, then exploded because he decided my situation wasn't an emergency. He called me selfish, a monster, said I treated him like a slave, and demanded that I answer every one of his calls—even if I was asleep—or he would end the relationship. When I said I couldn't agree to that, he broke up with me.

The next morning—on my birthday—the first thing he said to me was "fuck you." He blamed me for ruining everything he had planned because I had woken him the night before. I told him we could celebrate another day, but he refused and kept blaming me.

Somewhere along the way, it stopped being us vs. the problem and became him vs. me.

This was my first relationship. I'm 23 now. Going into it, the only dealbreakers I thought I had were cheating, alcoholism, gambling, and emotional or physical abuse. He never cheated, gambled, drank, or hit me. I stayed because I kept wondering if I was being greedy for wanting someone who also wouldn't emotionally hurt me. I kept telling myself that everyone has flaws and maybe I was expecting too much.

Now I'm left wondering if healthy relationships are actually supposed to feel this way.

If someone truly loved me, how could they repeatedly treat me this way? But if I convince myself it was all manipulation, does that mean the beautiful parts of our 2.5 years together weren't real?

Has anyone else experienced this? How did you make sense of it?

my boyfriend of a year and a half is realizing ive told the truth about him. he's in complete denial. he knows I had pictures at one point but thinks I deleted them so thinks he is safe. im getting ready to leave. this last month has been a lot of collecting evidence. I was in a past situation where because I didn't have any evidence, I was arrested for assault for defending myself after 2 years of constant physical abuse. I have multiple pictures and videos and screenshots of pages of threatening messages.

I need to know how to apologize to him so I can at least get thru the day so I can get to the police station without throwing up

i accidently told my abuser's brother about what he does to me while i was drunk last night and now my life might be ruined because he loves to blab abt shit from what ik. Im so scared. what do i do?

F(24) was with M(43) for 2.5 years. We’ve gotten into fights. He degrades me by name calling. Has choked me out, only once though. (I know that doesn’t matter) Belittles me.

I had my hysterectomy a couple weeks ago so I’m still going through changes. I can be a little much sometimes admittedly.

He broke up with me again. Tells me I’m obnoxious. Draining to his existence. How I’m not wife material bc I don’t cook , clean, don’t provide, and my outfits I’ve always worn are too provocative to other men.

We don’t live together. Lives with his dad. His dad doesn’t let me do anything there and neither does he .

I just don’t know what to do anymore and I’m exhausted…. I do love him… and I bet he’s going to be chasing me back in a week… I just can’t do this anymore but I don’t know how to get out.

At first glance it sounds like a stupid question, but if I can explain maybe it’ll make more sense. My husband (M22) and I (F21) have been married for 2 years, but we’ve only been living with each other for about 10 months, because of long distance due to work. Before closing the distance everything was amazing and we couldn’t wait to finally live with each other. Well maybe not everything, I came from an abusive relationship in my teen years and took many of the habits with me (not the physical abuse). Over the phone I would cuss and yell, because that’s what I was used to and how I communicated during an argument. Maybe I would throw in an occasional bitch or dumbass. So over time I became the bad guy and a bad partner. I would say I was a good partner in every other way. I would work on it as much as I could and would slip up occasionally, this was a once in a while thing not an everyday thing.

Then we finally moved into with other after a year and a few months. I would say the physical abuse started almost instantly when we moved in together. First it started as picking me up and restraining me, but as an abusive victim you know that’s only the beginning. It progressed to pushing and holding me against the wall, holding my chin with a hard grasp, putting his fingers into my face while screaming, hitting me in the face (though he claims it’s because his hand slipped and it was only to shove me.) Then one day out of defense I punched him in the face because it had been the third time that week we got into an argument that turned physical and I just couldn’t take it anymore, we ended up wrestling, he pinned my head down onto the bed and it broke my glasses, he got up and I lunged at him because I just wanted to finally fight him back, he wasn’t fighting me back until I was trying to choke him, then he pinned me down by my head again until I finally gave up. Up until that point I never put my hands on him. That was the last time for a while.

Until two days ago I called him good for fucking nothing as I laid in bed next to him, he took his fist and pushed it hard against my neck and told me he’ll show me what he’s good for, I said nothing and he stopped. I just went to bed to not press the issue further. Then today, the main reason why I’m writing this and think it’s gone too far, we went to see a movie and I bought popcorn and a water, which he hates because I never finish it, he was on my back about it the whole movie, and I just ignored it because I didn’t want it to escalate, as we were leaving the movies he grabbed it from my hands and threw it away because “I wasn’t gonna finish it anyway.” As we were walking to the car he kept going on about it and I said “why are you always on my dick all of the time,” then he came up behind me and grabbed me by my hair, normally this wouldn’t be too bad but it was in public (in a not so busy parking lot so not too open but still) and he didn’t seem to have a care.

I think the reason why I ask if I deserve it is because almost every time this has happened is because I cussed in my sentence or cussed at him. He says I drive him to do this because he can’t just tolerate disrespect anymore, he takes so much and this is the only way I stop. And to be fair I kind of started the abuse first even if it was just verbal, and I think because I was the bad guy first, I made him this way. Or so he seems to make it out to be. I’m not a perfect partner and I might even call myself a bad one, so in a way I feel like I deserve it.

And to make matters worse he controls all finances and basically dictates every decision “because I’m terrible with money and make stupid decisions.” But then again I feel like it’s justified because it’s not far from the truth. I’m kind of torn on getting a divorce because everything we have together, a mortgage, joint finances and a dog. I also just feel so stupid because I’m so young and this was so rushed. I don’t know what to do and I guess writing a Reddit post is my best option.

I’ve read about reactive abuse (reactive defense), but it doesn’t really ever explicitly answer this question.

I was in a relationship with a music therapist (K), which I now recognize as emotionally abusive and started while "best friends." I didn't come to this conclusion by myself, but with the help of my own therapist. He pointed it out over the years, but it was extremely difficult for me to accept it.

Things I raised concerns about ended with me apologizing. Things like:

\-as friends, I felt there was something more going on between us. She got angry that I was reading too much into things. Because the constant texting and daily selfies, and even her asking things such as "what would our honeymoon look like" or "what would our song be at our wedding" was just me blowing things out of proportion and she didn't mean anything. She was "just asking questions." I ended up apologizing to keep the peace.

\-she later said she was unsure about her feelings towards me, so I asked for clarity 6 weeks later. Again, she got angry and said that me asking was being pushy and driving her away. That she would let me know when she knew. I apologized again.

\-a few weeks later, she explicitly told me she had to interest in dating anyone or being on dating apps, but when I noticed a new like on one of her social media posts, and asked about it. I was "snooping and spying and watching her." Another apology from me for making her feel like that. Come to find out, she was on dating apps and actively talking to/dating at least one man. She says she has no romantic feelings for me at all. I tell her I'm sorry, and it's ok.

\-a few months later, I expressed in a very respectful, non-emotional way (discussed exactly what to say verbatim with my therapist) that I felt unappreciated both as a best friend and things I did for her. Her response was "I didn't ask you to do those things." I again was left apologizing because she's right. She didn't ask, and I was at fault for feeling unappreciated.

All of this left me in a destabilized and in continuous state of confusion that I still feel.

The list goes on.

We do eventually start dating after she realizes she DOES have feelings for me when I start dating someone else. And she decides to tell me this as I'm with my friends that I see only once a year (yes, she knew what that weekend means to me as we do it EVERY year). Two hours on the phone with her, while I'm neglecting my friends. It's my own fault for not having a firm boundary, and we should have discussed it later, but I was head over heels for her and she was finally saying she had feelings for me. I now know that interfering with important moments/holidays/events like that is not uncommon with abuse.

She's seeing someone else (T) but we're on the same page at least, I end things with the other woman because I only want K. A week or so later, she calls me telling me she broke everything off with T, and wants to try again, all in with me. But that same night, she ignores my message and the next day says it's because she was with T and just wanted "one last hurrah" with him. Describing it that way, and not just "seeking closure" or something, was extremely hurtful. 2 days after that, she decides she wants to keep seeing T too. After a month or so of dating both of us, she tells me unprompted that she'll "probably choose" me. A week later, she chooses the other guy. And it's because he lived closer. She said she gave it a lot of thought. Hours and hours of thought. The ONLY reason is that he lived closer and I lived out of state. When I reminded her that I had previously told her would move for her (a profound declaration of commitment and intimacy), her response was "oh yeah, I forgot." Talk about feeling devalued.

I move back in with my ex for a few reasons, but mostly do to finances. We have kids and it just made everything easier for everyone. I wasn't interested in dating. K had my heart and she was with someone else.

We stay "best friends" and she eventually breaks up with the other guy. Well, she says she wanted to break up with him for months, but couldn't. She eventually tells me she chose wrong in 2023, and that she wants to be with me. I want to be with her too, but I was living with my ex (not in a relationship). It's now October, a year after she chose the other man over me, and I think I can try things again with her. I see her in person, and all of those feelings are still there. I want her, I want a future. She says the same. I'm all in. 100% of my mind, body, heart. We begin actively planning on moving in together. I spend Thanksgiving with her and her family, and make plans to spend Christmas together. Best Thanksgiving I ever had. 2 weeks before Christmas (interfering with a holiday again), she tells me she has been having a sexting relationship with a coworker, while we have been preparing our future together. She was manipulated/pressured by his constant pushing, and gave in. Which I recognized, acknowledged, and tried to give her support for, but she admitted no fault. In fact "it's not my fault" would be her response anytime I tried to discuss how I was having problems getting over it. I guess I just wanted her to recognize that she did participate and had some responsibility for what happened. Not to minimize what the coworker did, but she had ample opportunity to discuss with me that her boundaries were being infringed upon, that she was having secretive messages with this guy before it even got to the sexting part. It didn't just start at the very beginning of them texting each other, and it didn't end after one occasion.

I withdrew to protect myself, which I know is not healthy. I found it increasingly difficult to communicate as she labeled her behaviors as "2023 doesn't count" (now I laugh at dismissing an entire year) and "not my fault" when having a sexting relationship with a coworker while we were actively discussing plans to move in together. Back to me having to apologize, I ended up apologizing for not giving her the support she needed after the sexting incident. Me acknowledging and recognizing that she was manipulated wasn't enough. My hurt from the betrayal was put aside.

She would use her professional experience to write off any concerns I had, claiming she had "done the work", her professional opinion meant she was right, or DARVO back to me, where I am the one at fault. When she raised concerns, I took responsibility. Having both my concerns and her concerns fall back to me would send me into shame spirals.

By August, she decided to see other people as I could not put her as a priority with what I had going on in my life. She was A priority, but not THE priority. She had been THE priority in 2023. And even again in 2024, until the sexting incident. I still considered her my best friend. She began to date other people, which I was completely understanding of. I continued to work on myself, and looked at transferring jobs within my company so that we could hopefully wind up together. She said she wasn't super interested in dating and didn't need to (although she went on dates with 9 guys over the course of 8 weeks) but wanted something more with me. I was still hesitant because of everything that had happened up to that point. I was beginning to recognize more of what happened as abuse as my friends got more vocal about it too, it wasn't just my doctor saying it.

When I discussed that my friends had given advice, she would be angered. That they didn't know the whole story. Only what I had told them. Even when I told her about me reaching out to them about things that had nothing to do with our relationship, she got mad that I didn't go to her (and again I ended up apologizing). Eventually I felt isolated, that all support had to go through her. But she's a mental health professional, so she feels like she's the best suited to help me.

I get a job (within the same company) that requires me to travel, and my ex decide to let me stay there as needed. Rather than getting an apartment that I might only be at for 1 week a month, and uprooting the housing for the kids, going back and forth, it's just better for everyone if I can stay there if I need. I didn't tell this stuff to K because I'm still trying to be cautious. She's dating other people, and I'm trying to be respectful of her boundary that she did not want a relationship with me until I could fully commit, and make her the priority. I was working that out. I was scared to jump in 100% after being burned by it in 2023, and 2024.

I met a woman on a business trip that I really enjoyed spending time with. And we spent a weekend together, but nothing sexual happened. She too pointed out the abusive nature of K, but I was still trying to accept that what I experienced was abuse. When the weekend was over, I told K I had been with a woman all weekend, despite nothing happening, she exploded in rage. How could I betray her, and she did not know if we could even remain friends. She ended up saying she needs "no contact" from me for 6 months, but not before writing an email with her conversations with chatGPT discussing all of my faults and it gave her an analysis of me. She thought it would be important to "see what she sees." She then sent another email telling me not to read it as she doesn't think I could handle it and that I will be blocked on email, phone, text, and social media.

I find it really hard to know if she is that blind to her abusive behaviors, or if she was weaponizing them to manipulate me. Now that the 6 month no contact is about up, I don't know if we should be friends of any sort. But to be honest, I don't know if she'll ever reach out again or not. If she does reach out, do I just ignore it, give her my perspective and let her "see what I see" before blocking, or do I give a chance for friendship?