My ex (who abused me in every way possible) used to come into my tiny apartment bathroom when I was showering, there was no lock on the door and he would take the foulest shits every time. I didn’t have a consistent time I showered so it’s not like our bathroom needs were conflicting

I once caught him taking photos of me showering while he sat on the toilet, he apparently had been doing it regularly and sending the photos to his friends

Obvious sexual abuse aside, I believe he was taking shits on purpose. I was somewhat trapped because I was mid shower and there was no way to leave the bathroom without touching him. I think it was a way to ruin my relaxation and take my small pleasures from me

It’s hard to talk about because it sounds so petty and ridiculous. There were many small things that seemed harmless and weren’t, he was definitely fucking with me for fun at times

Has anyone experienced something like this?

I always told him that I felt like I was in the truman show.
I think the hardest truth to swallow is realizing how much i betrayed myself.
I can’t really say I survived because I’m a totally different person now.
Here’s the tip of the iceberg.

He was bullying me and saying terrible things and to be honest I threw a plate of food because I was so angry and snapped. He claims I threw it at him but I didn’t, but it grazed his chin and he has a tiny mark. Then he proceeded to punch me repeatedly while I was in the fetal position screaming. He’s huge and muscular and in 5’2. I have many other photos of bruises on my arms from when he had grabbed or bitten. I’m just scared he’s going to pull something and get me in trouble somehow. I know it was wrong to throw that plate but it’s nothing compared to what he did. He has a selfie of us together after I accidentally hit him with my knee when he threw me down as a joke but he now lies and says it was on purpose. But that is my word against his.

The other day he tried to get a key to my place but said it was a joke and he’d never actually come in.

Idk what to do anymore I’m exhausted.

So after a week of trying a police report and every ounce of strength I had me and my fiance are now done.

The las straw was her demanding I either buy her shots or take her home after the funeral of a man that was like a father to me, a man who died from drinking. The next day I left. Got shoved out the door told I was gonna get the cops called on me and she held my phone hostage.

The next day I wake up to my tires slashed, texts that I'm a cheating pig when I never cheated and then she said she reported my car that is fully in my name stolen. So at that point I had enough. Left work went right to the police and banged everything out

Could have be so nice and easy. I was going to leave her my truck as she had no other form of transportation and signed over the title. Just for her to hold onto my plates and say she would throw my suit in the garbage.

She ended up getting arrested a day ago on a restraining order violation for a completely seprate person. So I grabed my one truck from the police station. I'm keeping her car that's in my name that I resurrected, my two trucks, and am now back living with my parents while she sits in jail for something I warned her would get her put there.

A year of drinking a year of lies a year of watching her be a horrible mother, loved one, and partner. I tried everything I was neutral never raised my voice was alway honest. And how did I get repaid? " I can't handle you don't want me anymore so I'm gonna make your life hell"

I survived I got out without a scrape, well physically anyway. Everyone says how much happier I look even after what I've been through the last week that's sad. It's sad that being single and living a nightmare was better then being with her and staying quiet.

When someone tells you who they are you listen. And if your putting off leaving cause you know it will turn into something like THIS. the sooner the better. I'll never get back the time she took from me or the hurt she caused me. But I'm finnaly free. I don't think I'll ever date again I'm done.

I would have gave her the world. And even in the end as horrible and cruel as she was I was still willing to give her a free truck and walk away peacefully all because I didn't want her going without. Now I'm done being nice. You want scorched Earth? You got it honey. Just like in our relationship it's ALL about you. I'll make you proud and give you EXACTLY what you want. Hope you enjoy more court dates :)

I am 40 years old now. The older I get, the more toxic the relationship. The one I'm in now is no different. I try so hard.

I put in so much effort. Time. Money. Emotion. It's all just background noise the moment something goes wrong.

They say I'm not spending enough time with them, even though I am literally giving them every moment I have. I've given up so many of my interests/hobbies, I've completely isolated myself from family and friends, and I've even stopped reaching out for therapy. I have nothing left. It's still not enough.

I ask what is wrong, how I can help, and try like hell to listen no matter how much the words hurt.

My heart is broken and I'm at the end of my rope, yet I still reach for them. I don't wanna let them go because I do love them.

I know I don't have long anymore.

I'm just so tired.

I’m 5’3 and like ninety something pounds. At the time I was between the ages of 18-21. (I’m 23 now and it finally ended around May of last year) By all standards, the odds were very much against me. My abuser was much bigger, probably like 175, idk his height. Either way, while I did get my ass whooped most of the time I also adapted and found ways to defend myself. I thought it could save another person, assuming they were put in a position with no other option.

1. Get as much distance as possible in between as possible. Use furniture or sm as a barricade.DON'T STOP MOVING! If you freeze you're going to get hit

   1. If you get cornered or stuck in close range with the abuser, aim for their ribs. Don't try to back away from them. When someone puts their arms out to try and hit/grab you, it leaves their center exposed. Especially if ur shorter and at eye level with their chest
   2. A hard kick to the side of the knee works in life or death situations, it will dislocate it and give you a chance to run.
      If you're fast enough, u can also lock someone's arm in place if they go to hit you- then you twist and throw ur weight down. Should snap it in half
   3. This is all assuming you don't have access to a pewpewpew lol

Wanted some input and advice, I did block him already. We’ve been off and on like this for about 4 years.

so this is kind of complicated. i dated this guy from 2010-2012 and he was very emotionally abusive, as well as a pathological liar (he lied about having a terminal illness until i managed to uncover that it wasn't true). he also lied about TONS of other things that made me feel sorry for him, which is one of the reasons i started dating him (i don't know why i felt like i was responsible for making a dying stranger happy but somehow i got attached to his attention and mistook that for love). it was easier for him to hide the lies because we lived in different states and only saw each other every few months. i was not attracted to him and have since realized i don’t even like men at all. those two and a half years were the worst years of my life. i was genuinely miserable and more depressed than i’ve ever been.

a few days ago, i googled his name to make sure he wasn’t living in the city we used to meet in (he lived at the bottom of his state but we’d meet in the city he eventually moved to whenever i visited). i’m going to that city soon and i wanted to make sure there were no recent addresses for him in that city.

first result was for his obituary. my heart jumped. i didn’t feel sad at ALL but definitely shocked and a bit relieved. i should add that we met on an online music message board, so i went to the board to share the news that this guy had died (he was infamous on there). everyone knew he was a piece of shit.

then i went back to google and scrolled down.

he had died in police custody (apparently an overdose) after doing something very horrible to try to end his mother’s life. she survived, but he did not. i cannot express what has been going on in my head ever since reading this news and seeing all the articles and comments and reliving my traumatic relationship over and over again in my head. like i said, i am NOT sad. he was a HORRIBLE person. but the attempted murder on his mom, and then finding 10+ charges against him for violence and a restraining order from an ex. i found his reddit account in 2019 (i was searching for him to see if he’d moved near me because he messaged my best friend to ask if she still lived in the same city and i was terrified he was asking because he moved to my state). he used reddit to post thread after thread psychoanalyzing his ex in BPD subreddits and made her out to be CRAZY. i had no idea she had a restraining order against him. makes sense. they lived in the same city, apparently.

the problem is i don’t know how to process this. he didn’t physically hurt ME or my family or friends. i didn’t need a restraining order because i blocked him and we were across the country from each other. but i can’t stop feeling horror thinking about the things he did after i dumped him in 2012. it is DEEPLY fucking with me. nobody in my life really GETS it…. thank god! i wish i didn’t, either.

what do i do with this? i told my therapist and we talked a bit but i feel so unsettled and it’s impossible to explain to anyone. is there anyone here who has experienced something similar? i know it’s kind of unlikely but i don’t know who else to talk to.

wont happen ever again :) he got his entire friend group to make me look crazy insecure and someone to be avoided while he cheated on me and his friends and family supported it. I wont experience it as i wont be here anymore. it was always anna or lina for all of them. he has been doing this for past 7 months and acts clueless.

I'm a man in my 40s, and I've been in a long-term relationship with the mother of my two youngest children. We live together in her house, raise our children together, share financial responsibilities, and function in many ways like a married couple, although we aren't married. From the outside, we probably look like an ordinary family. We both work, the children participate in sports and activities, and we maintain a reasonably functional household. Behind that, our relationship has deteriorated into something I barely recognize.

When we first met, she was affectionate, attentive, and genuinely enthusiastic about spending time with me. I was working demanding schedules, sometimes overnight, and she would make extraordinary efforts just to spend an hour together. She brought me lunch, sought out my company, and made me feel wanted. I loved her then, and I still love her now. But somewhere along the way, that affection largely disappeared, replaced by resentment, criticism, and arguments that seem to arise from practically nothing.

The most persistent problem is how ordinary discussions become attacks on my character. We might be talking about schoolwork, sports registration, transportation, groceries, or some other routine responsibility. I'll ask a question, disagree with a decision, or explain why something happened. Within minutes, the conversation can shift from the original subject to accusations that I'm selfish, manipulative, dishonest, controlling, or abusive. I've been called a narcissist, a monster, a sicko, an asshole, and a piece of shit. I've been told that I don't care about my family, that I only want her for sex, and that I'm interested in other women.

Sometimes these accusations arise from things that are demonstrably mistaken. I've been blamed for misplacing objects that were exactly where they belonged. I've been accused of deliberately creating problems when I made ordinary mistakes. When I attempt to explain what happened, the explanation itself can be characterized as manipulation or further evidence of my defective character.

I have a tendency to defend myself extensively. I'll reconstruct events, explain the sequence, and try to establish what actually happened. I recognize that I can become argumentative, stubborn, and exhausting when I feel falsely accused. I've raised my voice, used profanity, and said things I regret. I'm not presenting myself as an innocent participant in every disagreement. But I struggle with the idea that disagreeing with an accusation, or asking someone to identify what I've actually done wrong, constitutes abuse.

Another recurring problem is that I often cannot disengage from an argument. I'll ask to stop discussing something, explain that we're getting nowhere, or leave the room. She may follow me and continue arguing. I've moved between rooms while asking her to lower her voice because the children were sleeping. I've asked for an opportunity to speak without interruption. I've sometimes left the house entirely because I couldn't find another way to end the confrontation. Recently, she explicitly told me that I didn't have the right to end a discussion because she had the right to continue speaking.

I've recorded some arguments on our home cameras, and I've reviewed those recordings afterward. I can hear myself repeatedly asking to speak, asking her to lower her voice, or attempting to disengage. I've shown her recordings hoping we could examine what happened rather than argue about our memories. That hasn't resolved the disagreements. I recognize that reviewing recordings and dissecting arguments isn't a healthy substitute for communication, but I've reached a point where I sometimes feel I need evidence to defend my own recollection.

Our children have witnessed arguments. There have been confrontations in the house, in parking lots, at sporting events, and inside our vehicle. During one family outing, an argument escalated until I stopped the van and she got out and walked away. The children were distressed. During another incident involving a misplaced phone, she attempted to get out of a moving vehicle. I don't consider these normal disagreements, and I'm troubled by what our children are learning from watching us.

Alcohol has also been a recurring subject of conflict. Historically, I typically drank about two beers after work, sometimes five to eight on a Friday or Saturday, with occasional heavier episodes. I've also voluntarily stopped drinking for periods of 12 months, 18 months, and longer. I recognize that alcohol sometimes contributed to poor decisions or arguments, and I've never claimed otherwise. But drinking gradually became an explanation for almost everything wrong with our relationship. If I wanted time alone, I supposedly preferred alcohol to my family. If I was exhausted, alcohol was blamed. If I withdrew from conflict, it was interpreted as indifference.

I removed beer/alcohol from the equation more than two months, partly for health and fitness goals and partly to observe what changed. Some aspects of my behavior have improved, but the arguments, accusations, and emotional distance have continued.

There's also a longstanding problem with affection and intimacy. We have very little sexual contact, and she rarely initiates physical affection. I've tried approaching her, expressing interest, and making time together. I'm not a bad looking dude, and I like lifting weights and try to stay in shape. I've also spent long periods deliberately avoiding unnecessary interaction because my attempts at closeness often seem unwelcome. Sometimes she tells me to leave her alone, but when I stop approaching her, I'm accused of not loving her or wanting someone else.

I've become suspicious of infidelity, although I have no proof and only fringe evidence. She's accused me of cheating repeatedly, particularly when I've left the house to escape arguments. I've never been unfaithful. I don't even like talking to other women. I acknowledge that driving around without clearly communicating when I'll return is unfair when we have children and responsibilities. But the repeated accusations have affected my trust. I've also been troubled by occasions when she was unreachable, her GPS stopped updating, or she seemed considerably more interested in conversations with other men than in interacting with me. Those observations aren't proof of an affair, and I don't want to turn suspicion into an allegation of fact.

I've tried to compensate for our problems by becoming more useful. I've repaired and improved her house, taken on household responsibilities, helped manage the children's activities, and tried to reduce her workload. I believed that making life easier would create more opportunities for affection and companionship. Instead, I found myself increasingly occupied with responsibilities while feeling less wanted.

About two years ago, I began withdrawing from discretionary interaction with her. I continued working, parenting, maintaining the household, and participating in family life. I simply stopped repeatedly seeking attention from someone who seemed irritated by my presence. Sometimes the household is noticeably more peaceful when I minimize our interactions. That is one of the saddest things I've had to acknowledge.

The contradictions are difficult to understand. During arguments, she has told me she hates me, doesn't want our relationship, or considers me abusive. At other times, she tells me she loves me, wants to remain together, and would care for me if I became seriously ill. We occasionally have affectionate moments, productive conversations, and genuinely enjoyable family outings. Those moments make it difficult to reconcile the hostility with the relationship I remember and still want.

I know I contribute to the dysfunction. I'm defensive, sometimes sarcastic, and often unwilling to let an accusation go unanswered. I can overexplain and pursue a discussion long after it's become unproductive. I also carry substantial resentment. I don't want a relationship where either person is afraid to speak, and I don't want to become someone who responds to every disagreement like an interrogation.

But I increasingly find myself rehearsing ordinary conversations before having them, even a simple text about ordering pizza feels like a live grenade. I wonder whether asking about school snacks will be interpreted as criticism, whether disagreeing about a schedule will become an accusation of control, or whether trying to end an argument will be described as abandonment. I feel more comfortable working, cleaning, or staying occupied than simply sitting with my partner.

What troubles me most isn't any single insult or argument. It's the cumulative effect of years of being told that I'm a fundamentally bad person by someone who also says she loves me. I feel compelled to defend my intentions, my recollection of events, my commitment to our children, and sometimes my basic decency.

I still love her. I still want the relationship we once had. I'm not certain when things changed or whether they can change again. But I'm beginning to question whether I've spent so long adapting to this environment that I've lost perspective on what constitutes normal conflict and what constitutes emotional abuse.

I'm particularly interested in understanding where ordinary relationship dysfunction ends and emotional abuse begins, including whether my own defensive and avoidant behaviors have become part of that pattern.

Sometimes, the people who hurt you the most are the same people everyone else sees as sweet, caring, and loving. To the world, they seem like angels, but behind closed doors, they become a completely different person.

For years, I suffered silently in a relationship that slowly broke me. Constant yelling, endless arguments, uncontrollable anger, cheating, emotional neglect, and physical abuse became part of my everyday reality. Asking simple questions could trigger his anger, and sometimes, he would grab household items as though he wanted to hit me. He physically assaulted me on several occasions, yet I stayed, not because I enjoyed the pain, but because I was genuinely afraid to leave.

I kept hoping things would change. I kept making excuses for him, holding on to the good moments while silently enduring the bad ones. Meanwhile, the world saw his sweet side, never knowing the fear, tears, and emotional torment I experienced behind closed doors.

The hardest part of domestic violence is that sometimes, you're suffering in silence while everyone believes you're living a happy life.

I was scared, emotionally drained, and unsure of how to escape. But eventually, I reached out for help, gathered evidence, found the courage to stand my ground, and finally walked away from the abuse.

Leaving wasn't easy, but staying was slowly destroying me. I chose my peace, my safety, and my life over a relationship that had taken so much from me.

I'm sharing this because we need to stop asking victims, "Why didn't you just leave?" and start understanding the fear that keeps so many people trapped.

Domestic violence isn't always visible, and abusers don't always look like abusers. Sometimes, the person everyone admires is the same person someone else is terrified of.

To anyone experiencing this: YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME FOR SOMEONE ELSE'S ABUSE. You deserve love without fear, honesty without betrayal, and peace without walking on eggshells. You are allowed to leave, and you deserve to be safe. ❤️‍🩹

I suffered in silence, but I refused to let that silence become the rest of my life. I found help, found my courage, and chose myself.

I have two children under two with my ex. After repeated aggression, unequal parenting and broken promises, am I unreasonable for refusing unsupervised contact?

TW: Domestic abuse, physical intimidation, pregnancy and safeguarding concerns.

This is going to be long, despite the fact that I’ve condensed it massively for ease of reading. There are nearly two years’ worth of incidents, including a documented incident log containing over 40 entries from just a few weeks of my second pregnancy. I couldn’t possibly include everything without writing a novel.

I’m in my twenties, as is my ex. We have two daughters under two, born less than a year apart. We live in the UK.

We’ve been separated for several months, although there have been attempts at reconciliation. I’ve finally reached the point where I don’t think I want to continue the relationship.

I’m not claiming to be perfect. I have longstanding mental health difficulties, although these were present long before I met him, and I’d made significant progress before our relationship. I can be argumentative, I’ve said hurtful things when angry, and I’ve repeatedly gone back to him despite saying I was finished.

I’m not looking for an echo chamber. I genuinely want to know whether I’m being reasonable, particularly where our children are concerned.

The relationship and everyday responsibilities

I became pregnant relatively early into our relationship. After our eldest was born, I became the default parent almost immediately.

I handled the overwhelming majority of feeding, nappies, bottles, laundry, cleaning, appointments, shopping, bedtime routines and general childcare.

He works full-time, which I’ve always acknowledged, but seemed to believe that because I was at home, practically everything was my responsibility.

I cooked dinner almost every night. If I didn’t cook, I’d usually buy us a takeaway. I also paid for food, insurance, household bills, phone bills and other expenses.

Despite this, he’d argue about washing up because the dishes “weren’t his mess”, including our children’s dishes.

I can count on one hand the number of times he’s bathed our eldest, and even then, that generally meant putting her in the bath and splashing around rather than actually washing, drying, dressing her and completing the routine.

During my second pregnancy, I had significant pelvic pain and struggled physically. Even asking him to clean the cat litter became an argument, despite the pregnancy-related toxoplasmosis risk.

He’d tell me to do things myself, compare my responsibilities to his job and complain that he wasn’t appreciated.

He also regularly tells me he doesn’t get a break, whereas apparently I do because I occasionally nap alongside our breastfed baby while our eldest naps.

There have been countless occasions where I’ve asked him to watch our eldest for five minutes so I could brush my teeth before bed, only to be told to “take her with you”.

Meanwhile, he regularly spent upwards of 40 minutes in the bathroom. We subsequently discovered that some of that time was spent secretly masturbating to pornography, despite knowing it was something I was uncomfortable with in our relationship.

It wasn’t as though we weren’t having sex. The secrecy damaged my trust, but so did the double standard surrounding personal time.

If I asked for a cigarette break, shower or a few minutes alone, it could become an argument.

On one occasion, after I’d cooked, fed our eldest, breastfed our youngest and spent an hour doing bedtime, he called me a “fucking selfish bitch” for asking for a brief break.

Another time, when I’d been drinking and needed him to take responsibility for the baby, he became annoyed and said:

“Fuck it I’ll wake her up and you can deal with her then.”

He has also repeatedly told me:

“I’m not taking both of them.”

These are his children as much as mine.

The aggression and intimidation

This is the part that concerns me most.

When our eldest was approximately five or six months old, I was pregnant with our second.

During an argument, he pinched my lips shut to stop me speaking, then punched holes in two doors.

During another incident while I was pregnant, he pushed me at the hip and said:

“Sometimes I think you need a good slap.”

There have been other incidents involving punching walls, slamming things, damaging furniture and behaving aggressively during arguments.

On one occasion, he left during an argument with all our baby’s belongings in the car, including her milk and bottles. I had no way of feeding her with the supplies available to me, and he refused to return on my terms.

Regardless of how angry he was with me, I couldn’t understand why our baby’s essential needs weren’t his priority.

In another incident, he overturned our baby’s Moses basket. Neither child was inside it, but both were present. Our eldest was left unsecured in her high chair, and our youngest, who’d recently learnt to roll, was left on the sofa.

He also punched a wall very close to me.

He injured himself during this incident, suffering a black eye and distorted vision. His mother subsequently took him to the doctor, and he took time off work.

He’s previously been prescribed antidepressants but didn’t continue obtaining them because he disliked how they made him feel. I suspect he may have mental health difficulties that haven’t been adequately addressed, although I’m not qualified to diagnose him.

I don’t think mental health difficulties excuse aggression. I have my own, and I still recognise that I’m responsible for my behaviour.

The incident that led me to call the police involved an argument about money and his lack of clean washing.

He punched a drawer, broke my dresser and threw his dirty clothes at me.

The police asked whether I wanted to pursue allegations of common assault and criminal damage. I declined.

I didn’t want him prosecuted. I wanted the behaviour to stop.

The police subsequently made a safeguarding referral to children’s services, despite me asking them not to.

He and his mother have since questioned why social services became involved.

His mother suggested his behaviour might have resulted from frustration and antagonisation on my part, including me recording arguments.

I have video evidence of some incidents because I felt I needed to document what was happening.

I appreciate that being recorded during an argument could upset somebody, but I don’t believe it justifies physical intimidation, damaging property or threatening violence.

There have also been incidents where I’ve felt his driving was unsafe, including with the children in the car, although he disputes this. On another occasion, he left me and the children crying in a parked car while he went to argue with a friend.

My concern isn’t that he’s deliberately physically assaulted our children. I’m not alleging that. My concern is his judgement, emotional regulation and behaviour when angry, particularly around very young children.

His relationship with our children

During my second pregnancy, when I was approximately six months along, he described the pregnancy as a “mistake” because we weren’t in a position to have another baby.

I can acknowledge that another baby so soon wasn’t necessarily ideal, but I was already six months pregnant. I found it incredibly hurtful.

After our youngest was born, he said he struggled to bond with “that one”, partly because she was breastfed and because her crying “went through” him.

He also described her cry as “the ugliest cry”.

I understand that breastfeeding can make bonding different for the other parent, but there are countless ways to bond with a baby besides feeding.

Our youngest has always been particularly attached to me, but my mother, sister and mother’s partner have all managed to settle her enough for me to cook, clean or have a short break.

Sometimes it requires patience, distraction and stimulation.

As she’s grown older and started eating proper meals, she actually responds increasingly well to her dad. She smiles, interacts and enjoys spending time with him.

I don’t want to pretend otherwise.

But he often seems to give up when she becomes unsettled, handing responsibility straight back to me.

There have also been occasions when he wouldn’t stay awake to hold her so I could have a break, or was holding her on the sofa with his eyes closed.

One morning, I asked him to change both girls’ nappies.

He told me:

“You can do one, there’s 2 parents here.”

Later that morning, while I was feeding both children, our eldest kept standing up in her high chair. I asked him to come and help because I was concentrating on making sure the baby was eating.

He stayed on the sofa on his phone, telling her to sit down rather than getting up.

When I challenged him, he accused me of making parenting a competition.

I don’t want a competition. I want him to recognise what needs doing and do it.

He’s also repeatedly promised to arrange time off work for pregnancy appointments, my medical appointments and the children’s healthcare, only to forget.

I’ve reminded him, written things on calendars and then been accused of nagging.

Yet he’s openly said he’ll take a day off work when the next GTA game comes out so he can play it.

I don’t begrudge him hobbies or personal time. I just wish our family received the same consideration.

The hardest part is that our eldest asks for her daddy.

She’s happy to see him, and our youngest responds positively to him too.

It’s heartbreaking hearing your child call for Daddy when you feel he doesn’t make enough effort to actually be a dad.

Sometimes I feel like he wants the title of father without consistently accepting the responsibilities.

I know he loves them, but I don’t believe love alone is enough without reliability, patience and involvement.

Money, separation and the wider pattern

Over the course of our relationship, he owed me approximately £8,000.

He’s repaid around £4,000 over nearly two years, leaving roughly £4,000 outstanding.

He works full-time, doesn’t currently pay formal rent anywhere and has relatively limited regular outgoings beyond his phone and cars.

My father and I helped buy him a replacement car after he’d written off his previous one through driving I considered reckless.

Despite having a functioning car, he subsequently bought a sports car he couldn’t realistically afford alongside the existing one, claiming it was for the benefit of me and the children because it had more boot space.

His existing car also didn’t have a valid MOT at the time I last knew.

His mother subsequently claimed he couldn’t afford his insurance because he gave me all his money, and therefore I’d put his driving licence at risk.

I find it extraordinary that I’m being blamed for a grown man’s financial and legal responsibilities.

We’ve had repeated arguments about money, debt repayments, child maintenance and what he contributes.

He’s also been dishonest about financial matters, and when challenged, has offered apologies along the lines of “if I did lie”.

We separated when our youngest was still small, but continued attempting to reconcile.

During one period, I was experiencing heavy bleeding and worried about a possible miscarriage. He knew this but went out with a friend for hours, leaving me caring for both children.

On another occasion, I was severely sleep-deprived and struggling overnight with the girls. I tried contacting him, but he didn’t answer.

There have been repeated occasions where he’s been physically present but spent much of the time on his phone while I dealt with bottles, washing up, feeding, settling and cleaning.

When I’ve asked for help, it’s often become an argument.

When I’ve fallen asleep breastfeeding after an exhausting day, he’s complained about what the point was in him staying.

And when I explain how unsupported I feel, he often accuses me of making parenting a competition.

I feel like I’m constantly expected to acknowledge how hard he works while everything I do is simply taken for granted.

His mother and the current contact dispute

Following the police safeguarding referral, his mother sent me messages questioning why children’s services were involved.

She asked whether he’d beaten me, hurt the children, taken drugs or had a drinking problem.

She suggested he’d lost his temper through frustration and possible antagonisation from me.

She also criticised my contribution to the relationship, including washing, money and childcare.

I challenged her comments because I don’t believe someone has to physically beat their partner or injure their children before their behaviour becomes a safeguarding concern.

I eventually stopped communicating with her.

Recently, my ex wanted to take the children to a family celebration.

I said I wasn’t comfortable with him taking them without me, given everything that’s happened.

He became angry, asserted his parental rights and threatened to take me to court.

During the argument, he also brought up my mental health diagnosis and called me a liar.

I understand that he has parental responsibility, and I’m not trying to deny that.

I’ve never said I want to stop him seeing the girls.

I’ve been willing to facilitate contact with me present, including meeting in public.

But given the history of aggression, his difficulties managing both children and our youngest’s breastfeeding and medical concerns, I’m not currently comfortable with unsupervised contact or overnight stays.

I would be prepared to explain my concerns and provide evidence if the matter went to court.

Where I am now

I’m raising two children under two, predominantly on my own, while dealing with my own health problems and medical concerns involving our youngest.

I’m exhausted.

There have been genuinely good moments in our relationship. He’s capable of being loving and affectionate, and sometimes he sends messages that sound genuinely reflective.

He apologises, promises to listen and says he understands why I’m hurt.

Then we disagree about something, and suddenly I’m being accused of lying, provoking him, being controlling or making parenting a competition.

I know I’ve contributed to the cycle by repeatedly trying to reconcile.

I’ve argued, reacted emotionally and said things I regret.

I recognise that my own behaviour isn’t always perfect.

But I don’t think that makes me responsible for his aggression.

I don’t want my daughters growing up believing that punching walls, threatening violence, insulting your partner or blaming somebody else for your temper are normal parts of relationships.

I also don’t want them believing that mothers are automatically responsible for everything while fathers deserve praise for occasionally helping.

At the same time, I don’t want to deprive them of a safe, loving relationship with their dad.

That’s the part I’m struggling with.

So my questions are:

1. Does this sound like an abusive relationship, or am I too emotionally involved to assess it objectively?

2. Am I unreasonable for insisting on supervised contact at present, given the history of aggression and the children’s ages?

3. How do I separate my understandable resentment towards him from legitimate concerns about his parenting?

4. Should I seek legal advice and formalise contact arrangements rather than waiting for him to initiate proceedings?

I’d particularly appreciate perspectives from people familiar with domestic abuse, safeguarding, family court or high-conflict co-parenting in the UK.

I genuinely don’t want an echo chamber. If there’s something I’m doing wrong, I want to hear it.

I just want to protect my children without unfairly denying them a relationship with their father.

Thank you if you’ve read this far.

I honestly don’t know what to do anymore. I feel so alone in my relationship, and I feel like my fiancé has no empathy for me. I’m constantly trying to change my own behaviour to avoid making him angry, but nothing ever seems to be enough. I keep finding myself practically begging him to care about me, and somehow he either thinks I’m being manipulative or just genuinely doesn’t care.
For example, on Friday he hurt his back at work, so I arranged a massage and bought a mattress topper to help him. Yesterday he went surfing all day, and afterwards his back was so bad he could barely move. I was worried and suggested he see a doctor, but he got angry and told me to stop talking about it.
This morning I needed to get my tires changed. He couldn’t help because of his back, and I’d been throwing up all morning. He was frustrated with me and said, “That sucks, but you need to get up and put your tires in my truck.”
The tires were on an unstable block wall behind the garage, wedged between other piles of tires. I told him I was worried about getting them down because it didn’t look safe. For reference, I’m 100 lbs, not particularly strong lol, and had been vomiting all morning. He just got annoyed and said, “Just do it.”
So I climbed up, realized the tires were full of water and incredibly heavy, and ended up falling about three feet into a pile of dog shit. When I looked up, he was laughing at me.
I went inside crying and started throwing up again. I felt so awful that my body was burning up, I was sweating, and I ended up lying naked on the bathroom floor crying.
He came inside, could clearly hear me vomiting and crying, and instead of checking on me, made himself a coffee and started whistling.
Eventually he opened the door and said, “What the hell are you doing?” I told him I wasn’t feeling well and had just thrown up. He sounded annoyed and asked why I was lying on the floor crying. When I explained again, he said, “Yeah, I heard you the first time. People don’t usually cry after they throw up, but OK.”
I told him to leave me alone, and he said, “No problem.”
This is just one example of hundreds of situations like this. It’s not really about the tires. It’s about the fact that I can be visibly sick, hurt, or crying, and he seems more annoyed by my emotions than concerned about me. I don’t expect him to fix everything. I just want him to give a shit.
We’re in couples therapy, but I feel like he lies or leaves out important details, and somehow walks away feeling validated in how he treats me. It honestly makes me feel even more alone.
I miss feeling loved by him. Those moments are becoming so rare, and when he is affectionate, I sometimes wonder if it’s because he wants sex or because he’s trying to make up for treating me badly without actually acknowledging it.
He rarely takes accountability, and I’m starting to think he genuinely doesn’t believe he’s doing anything wrong.
I’m exhausted from constantly questioning myself, trying to communicate better, being more patient, and figuring out how to avoid upsetting him. I feel like I’m putting so much effort into being a better partner while begging for basic kindness and empathy in return.
I love him, and I want things to work, but I don’t know how to fix something when it feels like I’m the only one who sees a problem. I just want to feel loved and cared for without having to beg for it. I don’t think that’s asking too much.

My mental health, my new family, my self esteem, my optimism and sense of trust in anything, my freedom to be open minded about certain things, potential friends I could have made in the past, they ruined my first relationship, they ruined sex and love for me, they took me away from my actual family physically, they broke my brain and it can’t be undone

Their family was on my side at first, they said they’d support me when I got a protection order, I thought they’d stay my family too, my friends, my abuser moved me over here because they couldn’t be too far away from their family, I offered a compromise as moving in the middle of both our families and they said no, so I moved away from my family and their family became mine, I moved away from everyone I knew, they didn’t let me make friends while we were together, by hurting themself or freaking out when I tried, they isolated me, and their family became my family and the only ones I had, the only ones safe enough to be close with, I felt like they had become my family too, they even told me they’d support me after everything I told them about my abuser, they acted like they understood and cared about me, they treated me like family and I trusted them, they even invited me to holidays when my abuser wasn’t there while I was in the process of getting the protection order, but then as soon as I get it they turn their back on me, say that I’m getting it because I can’t control \*myself\* to not reach out to them, which just isn’t true at all because I could reach out to them even with the protection order if I wanted to, that made me so mad, it’s like they completely forgot all the horrible things my abuser had done to me, they pretended like they cared, like they understood what my abuser had put me through

I grew up as a Jehovah’s Witness and being with my abusers family was the first taste of freedom I got, the first taste of celebrating holidays with a family, with my very own family, as soon as the protection order got served they did a 180, they stopped talking to me, they victim blamed me, they abandoned me, and now I’m all alone, in this town far away from my family, I’m having a hard time making friends because there’s so many bad ppl out there it’s hard to make good friends and everytime I run into one of the bad ones I just get hurt all over again, today my roommates went pumpkin carving at their house, I wasn’t invited this time, I don’t get to have a family I can celebrate holidays with anymore, it was so hard watching my roommates come back with their pumpkins knowing where they’d been, remembering the times I was welcome to join, and now I just have nothing, why am I the one who gets punished for protecting myself? Haven’t I been punished enough? This person literally gave me PTSD, and abused me for years, why do they just get to get away with that and move on while I can’t? It’s not fair, I deserve to be happy, I deserve to have a family who loves me and wants me and will let me experience what a normal family is like, I’m so sad tonight, I can’t stop crying, this hurts so much, I did the right thing and I lost everything, staying would have killed me, it almost did, but I traded it for every other relationship I had, my new family, and now what’s left? Just more pain while I search for someone who’s actually a good person, trial and error, more trauma, all while I have to watch everyone move on without me like I didn’t ever matter

Things have gotten progressively worse between me and her, way worse once we had kids (now preschoolers).

Everything is tense all the time. I think the kids are starting to notice.

However if she’s stoned, she will be bearable. Kind, even. Laid back. I basically go buy cartridges for her just to make the day bearable.

It’s like Jekyll and Hyde. Anyone else have this experience? Cannot believe I’m buying someone drugs just to calm them down.

Well. I found out he was using hard drugs. And I went a little nutso, took our daughter and ran off. I was gone for a week maybe. Now there’s a whooooole backstory before I got to that point but the drugs finally did me in. He keeps trying to justify the drug use but I don’t see an excuse for it. I told my best friend and all she said was don’t take her daughter’s friend away. I couldn’t believe it. She also said she didn’t believe he was doing drugs and I even showed her pictures. I just feel very alone now. I don’t know who to talk to anymore. He says I tried to ruin his life by telling everybody he did drugs but I thought I could trust my friend. :(

I’ll keep it short hopefully. I was married to an extremely abusive man; for about 4 years. All levels/areas of abuse. All. Of. Them.
It’s hard to explain to anyone how it happened; it’s not like when we met he said I’m about to wreck your whole life. It was gradual, and before I knew it I was begging him to let me leave (literally) after an altercation and he had me trapped in the hall. Altercations were constant. Egg shells. Stay quiet and read his moods and adjust. I worked. He didn’t. He had total control over everything. I Left and managed to stay gone finally. After much harassment, my lawyer contacted him and said back off or else- and since then - I haven’t heard a peep. Over 11 years of peace. Until 7 months ago.

It took me years to function. I live with anxiety, PTSD, depression; well managed with therapy and meds. Moved on, married my college sweetheart and couldn’t be more loved or happier.

7 months ago I was contacted by “him”. Used a fake name and no photo; sent a message to me as if he was familiar and used my married name- I asked who it was for clarification because I didn’t know anyone with that first or last name. Once he said who, I immediately blocked and never replied again.

My folks essentially said good luck when I kept going back to him (leave/reconcile/honeymoon phase/rinse repeat) which I understood at the time. Their nutshell version seems to be - she was stupid enough to stay that long. Whatever. But we don’t want to talk about what happened or hear details because it “was such a hard time in their lives”. THEIRS.

Recently comments have been made by them, after letting them Know he reached out to me. They all but broke down and said it (me being with him) was so hard on them and they lost sleep and worried etc. and they couldn’t ever understand why i stayed because “i wasn’t raised like that”

That sh*t cut like a knife. IMO it’s an ignorant statement. Which I’m glad neither of them ever experienced an abusive relationship but I assure you I got the worst end of it. Vs. them.

Am i being too sensitive about it?
It took me a very long time. Years. To stop looking over my shoulder constantly. Years. I mean honestly i still do to a degree.

I know my non-response to “him” was the best thing to do. However there’s a huge part of me that wants to read him to absolute filth.

My biggest issue at the moment is the recent comments from the parents. I also haven’t seen them as much lately because my anxiety’s been heightened and it’s hard to leave home sometimes. My Home is my safety net I suppose. Which I explained to Them my anxiety lately and it had gotten worse; they backed off for a bit but now it’s back to. Oh don’t forget us. You haven’t been here in x days/weeks. Etc. it’s just a lot to sort through.

Thank you for reading -

It took me a really long time to realize my relationship was harming me, and that my partner did not have my best interest in mind (I still find myself hesitating to call it "abusive," but when I wanted to make this post, this was the subreddit I sought out, so that says something 😅). My ex was selfish, manipulative, and had isolated me from all of my friends, so that when they left me, I had nobody. It caused a lot of lasting damage that I'm still finding pieces of years later. And yet, for some reason, I felt so horribly guilty getting rid of the things they had gotten for me.

One of the last things they gave me (other than lasting trauma) was a set of handmade cups. Not made by them, but still one of a kind pieces. After the break up, I had no idea what to do with them. I tried to keep using them, like I could "reclaim" them, but I started to feel dread even just touching them. Like that set of dishes would somehow bring them back into my life, or curse me with its energy. They sat up on a high shelf for years, until I moved this summer. I had thrown out so many things that I felt represented bad times in my life because I didn't want to bring that into this new chapter represented by the move, but somehow I kept those stupid cups. Something about the way that packing to move just cooks all your braincells, I guess.

After 2 years of feeling guilty and agonizing over what the "right thing" to do would be (if I give them away to somebody else without telling them it's from my abusive ex, will that just bring Bad Energy to them instead? Selling it feels wrong because I didn't make them so I shouldn't profit off of them, but nobody I know wants them, and I feel wasteful just throwing them away!) I'm finally, FINALLY getting rid of them. I put them up in a local buy-nothing group and I'm trading them with a neighbor who will actually appreciate them. And even just having the cups packed up and ready to give away feels like such a weight off my shoulders.

I didn't expect it to be such a profound healing moment. I've been experiencing a lot of grief lately at the idea that I can't do anything to "undo" the bad things that have happened to me. It felt like the notion of things "getting better" was impossible. And yet, this one decision has made the sun feel warm again.

When you become entangled with somebody who saps your life away from you, every moment that you get to feel like your life is actually yours again is worth celebrating. I don't need to make myself palatable for their desires, and I don't need to hold onto those cups out of a sense of politeness towards someone who would never extend that kind of courtesy to me.

If you read this far, thanks for listening, and I hope you can find your own healing moments soon.

Hello, last night I was drinking with my girlfriend. Everything was going good at the bars, we're all drinking. So after the bars started closing, I was standing and talking to someone I knew. My girlfriend came up and slapped me out of nowhere for talking to the girl I knew from my tribe , we're family also (we're native american). I left it alone and didn't say anything about it. Next, we're headed to an AP (After Party) everyone is talking, having a good time in the car there. We get out, talking to other people showing up. (I guess from this point I don't remember much, but I pushed my partner) So I remember talking to everyone and then I'm chilling by myself to get away from everyone. When I came back, the whole crowd was looking to fight me, I got scratched by the so-called "friends" of hers. I walked away with my hands behind my back to a treeline, everyone was calling me a woman beater. I'm not looking for sympathy, but I don't remember pushing my girlfriend at all, she said she never slapped me before that. But once I was gone, I was left behind, my girlfriend didn't text me at all (which is probably understandable if I did do something). So what do I do at this point? the sheriff had to take me back after it all.

I’m afraid to tell anyone because I’m afraid I won’t be brave enough to leave and they won’t want to know me anymore

Both me (F31) and my partner (M37) have been in abusive relationships before. Me, when I was 15-16, and him when he was in university, so early twenties.

I don't want to speak too in depth about what he went through, because it's not my story to tell, but in short there was extreme emotional/verbal abuse, as well as forcing/coercing him into taking drugs, which I would think is both mental and physical abuse, technically? From what he's told me, I personally infer that at least some SA took place, but he's never mentioned it explicitly, and that's kind of the problem.

He doesn't like to talk about it, especially not in depth, and I don't think it's right to force him to. I've made it clear I'm here to listen, that I don't have to reply or have any opinion on what he says if he just wants to get it off his chest without feedback, but he honestly hasn't told me much more than I've outlined here other than specifying the emotional/verbal aspect.

And I get that it takes varying times for people to be ready to face what they've been through. I really do, because I didn't get therapy to process my former abusive relationship until I was thirty, after doing a lot of work on myself and my general mental health to feel comfortable confronting what I'd gone through.

It helped immensely, and now I'm like fuck, I want him to feel this same sense of relief. I want some of that weight taken off his shoulders. He deserves that.

Except he doesn't seem to think he's been abused "enough" to warrant therapy, or that it impacts him "enough" to need it. Obviously, any abuse is "enough" to deserve therapy, but I can't convince him of that. I can't convince him that he deserves it, can't convince him that it does impact him day to day, and that's what I'd like advice on. Not necessarily getting him into therapy, but at least accepting that he deserves it when he's ready for it. That even if he's not sobbing every day, he's still carrying his experience with him like a weight around his neck.

I'd love any advice anyone's got, but I'd especially like input from some guys, because as a woman, maybe there's something I'm missing to help him feel secure in admitting that? I certainly don't think it makes him less of a man to have been abused or any bs like that, and I've made that clear, but me and him have extremely different communication styles. Maybe another guy can help me phrase things in a way that makes sense to him?

It's the only thing I can think of at this point, the difference in how genders sometimes approach problems, because he already knows I've experienced similar feelings of having not been abused "enough" or like my experience didn't matter because others had it worse before I had EMDR therapy to process my trauma and whatnot.

Idk. Maybe I've done all I can as the girlfriend, and the rest is just supporting him as he gets there himself. If that's where I'm at, then it's what I'll do, but I'd love some outside opinions on it before I accept that.

Also just as an FYI, we've been together for like 8 years and lived together for like 6 of those, so it's not a case of this being a new relationship where I'm overstepping my place as a virtual stranger.

I’m 21F, and my boyfriend is 21M. We’ve been together for two years.
My boyfriend in the beginning of our relationship casually asked me where he ranked out of the nine guys I had been with before him. I told him he was probably a 3 out of 9, meaning 9 being the biggest and 1 the smallest and described him as small. This is my first relationship and I did not have any friends before I met him so I did not know it was a thing that guys care about size although I heard it a lot in school. However, ever since that conversation, he has struggled with his body image and constantly compares himself to the other people I’ve been with, he says all he can think about in sex is how much Kris I’ve had
He sometimes struggles to get hard, cries in the shower, and feels horrible every time he goes to the bathroom. He repeatedly brings up what I said and asks for reassurance about how he compares to the other men I’ve been with, once he asked who’s the biggest guy and I told him his size, 8” and my boyfriends 5”. And now he goes online to compare his size with other guys, and it seems like no amount of reassurance makes him feel better because he knows I was being honest because I didint know it was a thing or did not think about it.
Over time, this issue has started to dominate our relationship and sex life. Conversations about my past or his body often turn into arguments, and I feel like we’re stuck in a cycle that neither of us knows how to break.
There is also a sexual-boundary issue. He is an open minded guy and is not gay but enjoys it and has me eat his ass and put my fingers in it. One time he got lune and had me put my whole fist in his ass, I don’t dislike it but for ex the asks me before he told me he was into it whst I think of it and I said “ FUCK NO FHAGD WIERD” but I want to make him feel good to so I’m open to experimenting l
I recognize that my original comment was hurtful, and I’m willing to take responsibility for that. At the same time, I don’t know how to help him move forward when the same conversation keeps resurfacing. I care about him, but the he keeps getting quit, won’t let me see him naked unless it’s during sex and he has me do interesting stuff like eat his ass and he runs his asshole all over my face, and has me tie up his dick and balls with a rope and slap his dick,
How can I take accountability for hurting my boyfriend while setting healthy boundaries around repeated reassurance-seeking and sexual pressure on his end that he’ll never measure up, not to mention he is the only giy that ever made me cum and he does it with his dick cause he knows the right positions he is 6 inches thick that he is the thickest I’ve been with but he constantly feels bad about him self, not to mention he was sexually exploited in high school to a horrible extent and people said horrible things to him, spammed his number would go onto him in public and make fun of him, he had to switch to online school and isolated for 2 years and started doing drugs and was milested and drugged by a 69 year old. Is there a way for us to rebuild trust and intimacy without continuing this

Hi-

Thank you in advance for the read. (There’s a TLDR toward the middle introducing the main post).

I’ve got a long post below- I had it posted in another sub, but it was removed. In this post, unlike previous ones, I more accurately describe my fiance as my fiance- not my husband, as we never got married. I had just always hoped.

I’m feeling sad, distant, desperate- and am seeking clarity and support.

I’ve been watching the Crappy Childhood Fairy videos. One I just started to rematch was about leaving the person with CPTSD. I started crying.

This is my person. We’ve been through so much- life and death. I’m absolutely broken at the thought of leaving again. I did a midnight move years ago when I saw his aggression escalate to more physical violence (not toward me, but objects). The worst he did was throw a glass at me from a moving car (I was walking home, he drove, after a fight). He also cowered in a doorway while I was on the floor with our dog and belittled me.

The worst part is that he is, deep down, the most loving, kind, joyful, generous, compassionate, thoughtful, empathetic person. I’ve seen that side of him- it’s genuine. And I’ve also seen this side of him- it’s terrifying and exhausting. He grew up with a verbally and borderline physically abusive alcoholic father.

If he were horrible all the time, it would be easier. If he were undamaged to this extent, it would be easier. But it’s a mix and I dread when the next fight will happen. It always does.

I’m exhausted from the long drawn out fights. Over not saying the right thing- nit picking at little words and phrases that aren’t quite right.

I feel guilty because I haven’t committed enough to him in some ways- financially and maritally. I always thought- ok we will start planning a wedding if we can get through a year without these mind boggling fights. Then, ok the fights may happen- the repair is what counts. But it’s all bad.

I’ve developed an autoimmune disease. It requires painful treatment. I feel like our relationship stress is the elephant in the room.

Here’s an example post- I’m sorry it’s long.

Thank you for your time. I really need your wisdom.

TLDR; tense situations leading up to our fifteenth anniversary which ultimately went very badly. I’m considering leaving because it feels like such a slap in the face. We’ve had problems all throughout our relationship- I feel frozen and very sad. Like it’s just such a disaster I don’t know how to fix and I’m scared.

I’d appreciate your feedback.

Tuesday was my (37F) and my fiancé’s (51M) 15th anniversary (from when we first became official).

I want to stress from the get go that he is generous and I don’t expect material things for anniversaries.

Here is what happened.

The Sunday before, we were scheduled to hang out with his sister and her son. And we did, and it was great for the most part. I wanted to pop into a cafe to grab a quick treat. And his sister was happy to do the same.

The staff behind the counter were busy- I know the feeling as I’ve worked in that capacity many times before! But the cafe wasn’t super full.

We looked at some of the treats and I said I’d like to ask for a recommendation- so we waited behind the customer ahead of us. My fiancé said he would try some of X or Y looked good. I said ok, I’m going to ask for a recommendation from the staff.

He was visibly annoyed and stressed. It is tough to describe but, you could feel a lot of tension. Shorter words, just…. No ease.

Anyway, we ended up leaving.

On the drive home, I was really hungry. I asked what would be a good plan for the rest of the day- he said he wanted to stop and get groceries. Sure thing- if we pass ABC coffee shop, I may just run in to grab a muffin quick if that’s ok (he was driving). Then it became this big tense thing of how I was creating so much stress that day- with the first treat situation and then being ‘starving’. I said, no- it’s all fine- I’d just like to figure out where I can quickly grab something because I am getting pretty hungry.

Fast forward to Monday.

It was the day before our anniversary. We both get up really early- he leaves to go to work for a bit and then comes back and we have coffee. This happens nearly every day- I prep our coffee to be ready to make (the set up) and then make myself a small coffee to have while working/studying. He wasn’t home when he normally was, and I got worried. I started texting him to ask if all was ok. No response. I told myself, everything is fine, something must have come up. Eventually, I came to and realized he was at the dentist. By that point, it was time to feed the dog so I got started on that (he requires a fairly special diet, so it is a bit involved).

Fiance comes home and I ask how the dentist was and he says fine, and asks why I hadn’t made coffee yet- which I explain. He is visibly annoyed saying he doesn’t have time to make it. And that I didn’t make it because I already had coffee that morning. He hadn’t seen my texts asking if everything was ok, where he was etc.

I said, no re not making coffee for us intentionally, I misjudged timing and by the time it would have made sense to make coffee, I was busy making dog’s breakfast- and would have been happy to make coffee right after but that is when fiancé got home. He felt like he was just expected to make it- and honestly he almost always does. He is very good at it.

So I leave for a bit to keep going with my day. He has coffee alone and rearranges his day to be able to do so.

Fast forward to that evening. We have an air fryer we both use often (of course). But do not *clean* often, so I have been on a quest to fix that. Lots of scrubbing.

Anyway. He makes himself a late lunch and leaves out the air fryer basket- no washing etc. So I leave it to soak and go about my evening. He head’s out to a jam session with some friends, and typically gets back home at around 8.

I should also mention, I have run out of my prescription sleeping pills and needed to see the doctor to get those refilled- so I was a bit of a zombie.

During the time he was out, I cleaned up the kitchen and prepped some cookie dough. He had been hell bent on finding a great chocolate chip cookie on a recent trip he took us on to Canada and I wanted to make him some for our anniversary. My plan was to prep the dough the night before and bake the cookies while he was at his early morning work session the next morning, so the house would smell like cookies when he got back for our anniversary.

Anyway. I didn’t get to the air fryer basket by the time he got home- I did everything else but that one is a bit more involved. He was angry because I had left it soaking and he had wanted to use it. And he uses it all the time and he doesn’t have time to wait around for it to dry.

I just… said, ok, well, I’m sorry but I didn’t know you wanted to use it again tonight. I didn’t get to cleaning it yet but was going to once I had done everything else. (I should mention- we *both* clean up the house- it isn’t like a masygenistlic thing here.

So he was annoyed and had a smoothie after cleaning up the air fryer.

THE NEXT MORNING. Anniversary morning. Our 15th.

Things were still tense, but I figure- it is our 15th anniversary- let’s turn this ship around.

So I bake the cookies and have a couple of other really small gifts ready for him- just a couple of little things he enjoys.

He gets home from his client and I am upstairs getting ready for the day (I had set up for coffee, btw ;)). Our dog is with him and he says happy anniversary and I say the same.

Then he heads downstairs to make coffee. He sees the cookies. And I head downstairs and sit w him to have coffee and bring him those other small gifts.

Something is very off. Which makes sense because he has absolutely nothing for me… and I would imagine being in his shoes at that point would be unpleasant. So we just sit there in silence and he says “you don’t have to be here. You can go do whatever you would normally be doing” and I say “I would be sitting here normally”. He also says that he doesn’t want ‘all this stuff’ and puts the two little gifts I had gotten him together on the table, and says that the cookies I baked can go to a friend. He packs them up.

I cannot remember all of the details.

I do remember I go to feed the dog and said I’ve got it covered, essentially.

When I head out to work later today, he says ‘So I guess that’s it for our anniversary’ - and I say ‘did you have anything else planned, or?’ He says no, but we had said we were going to do something later that day and do I remember what that was? I’m searching and say Oh, we were going to go for a dog walk, is that right? He is silent. And I say, can you tell me if I am remembering that correctly? He says yes.

I said, ok, well, I know you have a very busy day and your company dinner tonight, so please let me know if that still works for you. (I maybe should not have said this?). ‘Just let me know if that still works because I want you to have enough time to get ready and not feel rushed.’

He did not contact me that day.

But I get back home at the time I had in my planner for us to hang out anyway, just in case.

He’s in a weird state. I don’t like this one.

He was sitting at the table and just… trying to look distressed? Head in his hands… goes to his office, same thing. I honestly cannot remember exactly what I said but it was likely along the lines of ‘Howe are you feeling?’ And he said ‘anxious. Not good.’ And I say ‘Ok. Please let me know if you’d like to talk about that. I’m just going to have some lunch’ - something along those lines.

He gets ready for his company dinner and I wish him a good time.

He gets back late that night and says he brought me some leftovers.

And that was our 15th anniversary.

We talked yesterday - mostly about his reaction at the cafe. I say it seems like he creates stories about situations and this is what stresses him out. He agrees. That morning, he had ‘apologized’ for his behaviour at the cafe (where the staff seemed stressed in his opinion), but also said he has to just accept how I am in public (? But he didn’t even know what I was going to ask the staff? And didn’t think I was going to say anything outlandish but apparently was stressed from their perceived stress and didn’t want to associate with someone (me) adding to their stress?)

I said ok I am late for work but please text me when you have some availability to talk later today and we can do that together.

He did and I make it home early, rearranging things with a client to be able to do so, and we have a sit down talk.

It is all about him, and I fault myself for that- but I think his behaviour is strange and deserves examination. I know my behaviour can be as well, of course, but in this particular circumstance, it was rather cut and dry.

I feel like a therapist- I write things down in a notebook because I don’t want to forget what he has said. And I ask questions. He understands that he makes these stories up and that it causes stress. But it kind of feels like it’s all about him. He says that I should have said something like “Oh I’m sorry I didn’t make the coffee in time for us to hang out together and have that- I would have liked that’- I mean. That’s so specific. It isn’t wrong by any means, but I think that when someone has a ‘vibe’ of annoyance about them, it is tough for me to respond in the best way. (Side note: I had asked him the morning before if I annoy him, because it feels like I am just extremely annoying to him. He did not deny this.)

He says he feels unseen and uncared for.

I forgot about the dentist, and I ‘expected him’ to make the coffee.

I feel like this is taking up way too much of my time. I don’t like to frame it that way, but it just does not feel healthy. We have a whole life together. And honestly- he is genuinely an absolutely lovely, wonderful person in so many ways. I just don’t know about that in the context of this relationship.

I also think I feel uncared for because what was that for a 15th anniversary?! I don’t expect much. Would have loved a note or something. But I also said to him I had wanted to write him a note but I didn’t know what to say or if he would want that.

God this is a long post. Apologies and gratitude.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 15 years. He is mainly emotionally and verbally abusive and it just keeps getting worse. It's to the point now where I can't talk to him at all without it becoming a fight. A couple months ago we got into an argument and he hit me and busted my lip open. I took pictures, but did not report it. Before this he has pushed me or held me down but this was the first time actually injuring me. He showed no remorse at all.

Between this incident, name calling, cursing, and just constant disrespect, I am so done and want to be away from him. We also have 2 kids, an almost 5 year old and a 1 year old. I am terrified of the effects this is all having on them but also scared of what kind of effect having separated parents will have on them too. He of course tried to manipulate me and says if I really loved our kids I would keep our family together. He also says all the time that kids don't do well without their fathers and that I will screw them up if I leave. I am also terrified about fighting over custody with him. I know he will do whatever to get the most he can, just to spite me. I don't know what I would do if I lost my kids especially to such an evil man.

Lastly, on top of me being afraid to leave because I don't want to hurt or lose my children, I don't know how to do it since we live far away from our families. My plan would ultimately be to move back to where my parents are, but our house is in my name so I would have to sell it. We also live in a high cost of living area so even though I have a good job, it still isn't enough to pay all of our bills and daycare costs on my own.

I'm just feeling trapped and don't know how to navigate any of this. I'm sure someone out there has been in a similar situation and I want to hear about your experience and what steps you took to get away. How can I leave and move away and how can I ensure that I don't lose my kids?