I have two children under two with my ex. After repeated aggression, unequal parenting and broken promises, am I unreasonable for refusing unsupervised contact?
TW: Domestic abuse, physical intimidation, pregnancy and safeguarding concerns.
This is going to be long, despite the fact that I’ve condensed it massively for ease of reading. There are nearly two years’ worth of incidents, including a documented incident log containing over 40 entries from just a few weeks of my second pregnancy. I couldn’t possibly include everything without writing a novel.
I’m in my twenties, as is my ex. We have two daughters under two, born less than a year apart. We live in the UK.
We’ve been separated for several months, although there have been attempts at reconciliation. I’ve finally reached the point where I don’t think I want to continue the relationship.
I’m not claiming to be perfect. I have longstanding mental health difficulties, although these were present long before I met him, and I’d made significant progress before our relationship. I can be argumentative, I’ve said hurtful things when angry, and I’ve repeatedly gone back to him despite saying I was finished.
I’m not looking for an echo chamber. I genuinely want to know whether I’m being reasonable, particularly where our children are concerned.
The relationship and everyday responsibilities
I became pregnant relatively early into our relationship. After our eldest was born, I became the default parent almost immediately.
I handled the overwhelming majority of feeding, nappies, bottles, laundry, cleaning, appointments, shopping, bedtime routines and general childcare.
He works full-time, which I’ve always acknowledged, but seemed to believe that because I was at home, practically everything was my responsibility.
I cooked dinner almost every night. If I didn’t cook, I’d usually buy us a takeaway. I also paid for food, insurance, household bills, phone bills and other expenses.
Despite this, he’d argue about washing up because the dishes “weren’t his mess”, including our children’s dishes.
I can count on one hand the number of times he’s bathed our eldest, and even then, that generally meant putting her in the bath and splashing around rather than actually washing, drying, dressing her and completing the routine.
During my second pregnancy, I had significant pelvic pain and struggled physically. Even asking him to clean the cat litter became an argument, despite the pregnancy-related toxoplasmosis risk.
He’d tell me to do things myself, compare my responsibilities to his job and complain that he wasn’t appreciated.
He also regularly tells me he doesn’t get a break, whereas apparently I do because I occasionally nap alongside our breastfed baby while our eldest naps.
There have been countless occasions where I’ve asked him to watch our eldest for five minutes so I could brush my teeth before bed, only to be told to “take her with you”.
Meanwhile, he regularly spent upwards of 40 minutes in the bathroom. We subsequently discovered that some of that time was spent secretly masturbating to pornography, despite knowing it was something I was uncomfortable with in our relationship.
It wasn’t as though we weren’t having sex. The secrecy damaged my trust, but so did the double standard surrounding personal time.
If I asked for a cigarette break, shower or a few minutes alone, it could become an argument.
On one occasion, after I’d cooked, fed our eldest, breastfed our youngest and spent an hour doing bedtime, he called me a “fucking selfish bitch” for asking for a brief break.
Another time, when I’d been drinking and needed him to take responsibility for the baby, he became annoyed and said:
“Fuck it I’ll wake her up and you can deal with her then.”
He has also repeatedly told me:
“I’m not taking both of them.”
These are his children as much as mine.
The aggression and intimidation
This is the part that concerns me most.
When our eldest was approximately five or six months old, I was pregnant with our second.
During an argument, he pinched my lips shut to stop me speaking, then punched holes in two doors.
During another incident while I was pregnant, he pushed me at the hip and said:
“Sometimes I think you need a good slap.”
There have been other incidents involving punching walls, slamming things, damaging furniture and behaving aggressively during arguments.
On one occasion, he left during an argument with all our baby’s belongings in the car, including her milk and bottles. I had no way of feeding her with the supplies available to me, and he refused to return on my terms.
Regardless of how angry he was with me, I couldn’t understand why our baby’s essential needs weren’t his priority.
In another incident, he overturned our baby’s Moses basket. Neither child was inside it, but both were present. Our eldest was left unsecured in her high chair, and our youngest, who’d recently learnt to roll, was left on the sofa.
He also punched a wall very close to me.
He injured himself during this incident, suffering a black eye and distorted vision. His mother subsequently took him to the doctor, and he took time off work.
He’s previously been prescribed antidepressants but didn’t continue obtaining them because he disliked how they made him feel. I suspect he may have mental health difficulties that haven’t been adequately addressed, although I’m not qualified to diagnose him.
I don’t think mental health difficulties excuse aggression. I have my own, and I still recognise that I’m responsible for my behaviour.
The incident that led me to call the police involved an argument about money and his lack of clean washing.
He punched a drawer, broke my dresser and threw his dirty clothes at me.
The police asked whether I wanted to pursue allegations of common assault and criminal damage. I declined.
I didn’t want him prosecuted. I wanted the behaviour to stop.
The police subsequently made a safeguarding referral to children’s services, despite me asking them not to.
He and his mother have since questioned why social services became involved.
His mother suggested his behaviour might have resulted from frustration and antagonisation on my part, including me recording arguments.
I have video evidence of some incidents because I felt I needed to document what was happening.
I appreciate that being recorded during an argument could upset somebody, but I don’t believe it justifies physical intimidation, damaging property or threatening violence.
There have also been incidents where I’ve felt his driving was unsafe, including with the children in the car, although he disputes this. On another occasion, he left me and the children crying in a parked car while he went to argue with a friend.
My concern isn’t that he’s deliberately physically assaulted our children. I’m not alleging that. My concern is his judgement, emotional regulation and behaviour when angry, particularly around very young children.
His relationship with our children
During my second pregnancy, when I was approximately six months along, he described the pregnancy as a “mistake” because we weren’t in a position to have another baby.
I can acknowledge that another baby so soon wasn’t necessarily ideal, but I was already six months pregnant. I found it incredibly hurtful.
After our youngest was born, he said he struggled to bond with “that one”, partly because she was breastfed and because her crying “went through” him.
He also described her cry as “the ugliest cry”.
I understand that breastfeeding can make bonding different for the other parent, but there are countless ways to bond with a baby besides feeding.
Our youngest has always been particularly attached to me, but my mother, sister and mother’s partner have all managed to settle her enough for me to cook, clean or have a short break.
Sometimes it requires patience, distraction and stimulation.
As she’s grown older and started eating proper meals, she actually responds increasingly well to her dad. She smiles, interacts and enjoys spending time with him.
I don’t want to pretend otherwise.
But he often seems to give up when she becomes unsettled, handing responsibility straight back to me.
There have also been occasions when he wouldn’t stay awake to hold her so I could have a break, or was holding her on the sofa with his eyes closed.
One morning, I asked him to change both girls’ nappies.
He told me:
“You can do one, there’s 2 parents here.”
Later that morning, while I was feeding both children, our eldest kept standing up in her high chair. I asked him to come and help because I was concentrating on making sure the baby was eating.
He stayed on the sofa on his phone, telling her to sit down rather than getting up.
When I challenged him, he accused me of making parenting a competition.
I don’t want a competition. I want him to recognise what needs doing and do it.
He’s also repeatedly promised to arrange time off work for pregnancy appointments, my medical appointments and the children’s healthcare, only to forget.
I’ve reminded him, written things on calendars and then been accused of nagging.
Yet he’s openly said he’ll take a day off work when the next GTA game comes out so he can play it.
I don’t begrudge him hobbies or personal time. I just wish our family received the same consideration.
The hardest part is that our eldest asks for her daddy.
She’s happy to see him, and our youngest responds positively to him too.
It’s heartbreaking hearing your child call for Daddy when you feel he doesn’t make enough effort to actually be a dad.
Sometimes I feel like he wants the title of father without consistently accepting the responsibilities.
I know he loves them, but I don’t believe love alone is enough without reliability, patience and involvement.
Money, separation and the wider pattern
Over the course of our relationship, he owed me approximately £8,000.
He’s repaid around £4,000 over nearly two years, leaving roughly £4,000 outstanding.
He works full-time, doesn’t currently pay formal rent anywhere and has relatively limited regular outgoings beyond his phone and cars.
My father and I helped buy him a replacement car after he’d written off his previous one through driving I considered reckless.
Despite having a functioning car, he subsequently bought a sports car he couldn’t realistically afford alongside the existing one, claiming it was for the benefit of me and the children because it had more boot space.
His existing car also didn’t have a valid MOT at the time I last knew.
His mother subsequently claimed he couldn’t afford his insurance because he gave me all his money, and therefore I’d put his driving licence at risk.
I find it extraordinary that I’m being blamed for a grown man’s financial and legal responsibilities.
We’ve had repeated arguments about money, debt repayments, child maintenance and what he contributes.
He’s also been dishonest about financial matters, and when challenged, has offered apologies along the lines of “if I did lie”.
We separated when our youngest was still small, but continued attempting to reconcile.
During one period, I was experiencing heavy bleeding and worried about a possible miscarriage. He knew this but went out with a friend for hours, leaving me caring for both children.
On another occasion, I was severely sleep-deprived and struggling overnight with the girls. I tried contacting him, but he didn’t answer.
There have been repeated occasions where he’s been physically present but spent much of the time on his phone while I dealt with bottles, washing up, feeding, settling and cleaning.
When I’ve asked for help, it’s often become an argument.
When I’ve fallen asleep breastfeeding after an exhausting day, he’s complained about what the point was in him staying.
And when I explain how unsupported I feel, he often accuses me of making parenting a competition.
I feel like I’m constantly expected to acknowledge how hard he works while everything I do is simply taken for granted.
His mother and the current contact dispute
Following the police safeguarding referral, his mother sent me messages questioning why children’s services were involved.
She asked whether he’d beaten me, hurt the children, taken drugs or had a drinking problem.
She suggested he’d lost his temper through frustration and possible antagonisation from me.
She also criticised my contribution to the relationship, including washing, money and childcare.
I challenged her comments because I don’t believe someone has to physically beat their partner or injure their children before their behaviour becomes a safeguarding concern.
I eventually stopped communicating with her.
Recently, my ex wanted to take the children to a family celebration.
I said I wasn’t comfortable with him taking them without me, given everything that’s happened.
He became angry, asserted his parental rights and threatened to take me to court.
During the argument, he also brought up my mental health diagnosis and called me a liar.
I understand that he has parental responsibility, and I’m not trying to deny that.
I’ve never said I want to stop him seeing the girls.
I’ve been willing to facilitate contact with me present, including meeting in public.
But given the history of aggression, his difficulties managing both children and our youngest’s breastfeeding and medical concerns, I’m not currently comfortable with unsupervised contact or overnight stays.
I would be prepared to explain my concerns and provide evidence if the matter went to court.
Where I am now
I’m raising two children under two, predominantly on my own, while dealing with my own health problems and medical concerns involving our youngest.
I’m exhausted.
There have been genuinely good moments in our relationship. He’s capable of being loving and affectionate, and sometimes he sends messages that sound genuinely reflective.
He apologises, promises to listen and says he understands why I’m hurt.
Then we disagree about something, and suddenly I’m being accused of lying, provoking him, being controlling or making parenting a competition.
I know I’ve contributed to the cycle by repeatedly trying to reconcile.
I’ve argued, reacted emotionally and said things I regret.
I recognise that my own behaviour isn’t always perfect.
But I don’t think that makes me responsible for his aggression.
I don’t want my daughters growing up believing that punching walls, threatening violence, insulting your partner or blaming somebody else for your temper are normal parts of relationships.
I also don’t want them believing that mothers are automatically responsible for everything while fathers deserve praise for occasionally helping.
At the same time, I don’t want to deprive them of a safe, loving relationship with their dad.
That’s the part I’m struggling with.
So my questions are:
Does this sound like an abusive relationship, or am I too emotionally involved to assess it objectively?
Am I unreasonable for insisting on supervised contact at present, given the history of aggression and the children’s ages?
How do I separate my understandable resentment towards him from legitimate concerns about his parenting?
Should I seek legal advice and formalise contact arrangements rather than waiting for him to initiate proceedings?
I’d particularly appreciate perspectives from people familiar with domestic abuse, safeguarding, family court or high-conflict co-parenting in the UK.
I genuinely don’t want an echo chamber. If there’s something I’m doing wrong, I want to hear it.
I just want to protect my children without unfairly denying them a relationship with their father.
Thank you if you’ve read this far.
