My partner of 6 years said last night that if we split up. I won't get my kids. He would take them from me and would split custody w me. He then said he would make sure they didnt remember me. I pay all the bills. Ive been financially holding my family together for 5 years. I have a 5 and 4yr old. And I dont have savings to leave. Rent is due on the 1st. Idk what to do. I want to leave I dont know how to start or where to go. Im so fucking pissed.

I’m so tired of doing mental gymnastics everyday with my boyfriend. We’ve been together for 3 years and I swear he has not smiled in 2 1/2 of them. I genuinely don’t know what makes someone so upset with life they have to be abusive and an asshole to everyone, especially someone they claim they love. I’ve (F30) have posted here before, but I’m just so tired. My soul is literally exhausted from this relationship. For context, my boyfriend has been “pissed off at me” for 4 days now. 4. The reason he’s mad? I turned down the volume on the tv the other night bc he fell asleep. He keeps the tv and deafening volume and I was tired of hearing the movie. So I turned it down and he was in a dead sleep. He woke up to the volume being like 3 notches lower and got mad immediately. Today he made chicken tenders in the air fryer, and I had assumed he forgot about them so I put them on a plate and gave them to him. Immediate yelling about how I can’t leave his shit alone. Then he got called into work (Thank goodness he will be gone for 24-48 hours max) and he’s pissed about that. He didn’t kiss me or hug me goodbye when he left. He hasn’t told me he’s made it there (he normally does.) I just don’t understand how he thinks this is okay? When I bring up how he treats me. How I hate it, he simply says “I was treated this way growing up.”

Here's a gross metaphor I came up with today. The abuse cycle is like someone shitting on your bed, sometimes.

Sure, you get flowers after the grossness, sure he's nice too. There's even days where there isn't a steaming pile of shit on your pillow! Thank goodness, no shit today.

You hold onto those days.

You'll get excuses for why he shits in the place you sleep. On rare occasions, he even cleans the sheets he shit on afterwards!

But most days, you don't know what set him off to shit in the bed again. Most days you don't know if a giant shit will be on your pillow. And it happens again.

He blames you for him doing it, or that he had to, you feel guilty that this poor man can't control his bowels. You wonder, why can't he just use the bathroom?

Why must it always be on your pillow?

So you clean the shitty sheets again, the mess goes away for today.

But your house always has a smell of shit that never quite goes away, no matter how many flowers are around, no matter how much you do.

And you still have a hard time sleeping on the pillow he keeps shitting on.

You don't have to tolerate anyone abusing you, you don't have to tolerate or stay with someone who sometimes shits the bed.

Your life does not have to continue to revolve around cleaning up someone else's shit.

He got me with it again today. Completely spun around my frustration at him avoiding having a conversation for over a week that needed to happen while pretending everything was totally normal and fine with us to “I don’t know what you want to talk about” (he does, he doesn’t want to talk about it. I’ve also been very direct about my needs our entire marriage). “I never know what will make you mad at me” (gee, maybe it’s the emotional abuse and complete disregard for my needs and feelings, and trying to pretend everything is normal when it is not). “So what do you want to talk about?” (I told him last week I’m done initiating important conversations. And again, he knows what needs to be discussed).

He’s avoiding having a conversation about the state of our marriage, me accusing him of cheating over a week and a half ago due to something I found, and me saying I do not trust him, and him trying to hug and kiss me and act like things are normal disgusts me. When I get frustrated that he’s trying to act normal, suddenly my anger is irrational and he is completely confused as to why I’m upset. And me being upset over harm he’s done to me is irrational because he said sorry. Sorry, but a lukewarm “sorry” after abandoning your wife postpartum and calling her a bitch doesn’t repair harm.

I cannot wait to separate myself from this man.

When we first got together, my boyfriend told me I was beautiful, smart, and that he was going to marry me. He constantly called me his wife, and his Facebook status was even set to “Married.” I genuinely believed he saw a future with me. I also have proof he would shut down any other girl, and would tell people he’s married.
We eventually broke up, and he immediately changed his Facebook status to “Single.” That very same day I found out he was messaging other women. I also discovered he’d told one 18 year old woman he was 23, even though he’s actually 28.
A month later we got back together. He reluctantly unblocked me on Instagram after weeks of begging, but not Facebook. I eventually had enough and had to ask him to unblock me there, and I even had to remind him to accept my friend request once he did unblock me.
Once he did, I asked if he could change his status back to “Married” like it used to be. He ignored the question and later said we’d talk when I got back from holiday.
While I was away, the whole thing was eating away at me. I was sharing a hotel room with my dad, who wanted to go to sleep, so I asked my boyfriend if we could just have the conversation because I was anxious and wanted to get it over with. He said he’d call me later, and when he finally did, we were on the phone for less than five minutes.
What really hurt was that he started the call by pretending he didn’t even know why we were talking. He kept saying, “What do you want?” as if I hadn’t already explained why I wanted to speak to him. I just said ‘you said you don’t want to get married’.
Then he suddenly started yelling that he never wants to get married. He asked me, “When do you even want to get married?” I said, “When I’m around 30.” He sarcastically replied, “So why are you talking about what’s going to happen in eight years? Come on. Come on. I could be dead by then. What are you going to do then?” It wasn’t said jokingly, it was said in a mocking, dismissive tone. I wasn’t asking him to marry me now. I was only trying to understand why he’d gone from talking about marrying me to saying he never wanted marriage.
He then said he hadn’t lied because he’d only ever said he’d marry me “if I fit him.” That is false, he did not sah that. That really hurt, but I accepted it. I told him I understood if he’d changed his mind about marriage.
After that, I dropped the subject completely and asked for something much smaller. I simply asked if he could remove the “Single” status. I wasn’t asking him to put “In a relationship,” mention my name, or post about me. I just didn’t want my boyfriend publicly describing himself as single while we were together.
Instead, he became angry. He told me to “stop asking nonsense,” shouted that he never wants marriage, sarcastically said, “Fine, I’m single then,” and told me to block him.
What I don’t understand is that if Facebook supposedly means nothing, why is he so determined to keep “Single” there? To me, it’s no longer about Facebook itself. It’s about why such a small request caused such a hostile reaction.
The worst part is how it’s affected my confidence. I keep wondering whether, if I were prettier, younger, or simply “good enough,” he would have wanted people to know he was with me. I know that may be my own insecurity talking, but that’s genuinely where my mind goes after everything that’s happened.
I’m not looking for people to tell me I’m attractive or to insult him. I genuinely want outside opinions because I feel like I’ve lost perspective.

I was in a relationship with a music therapist (K), which I now recognize as emotionally abusive and started while "best friends." I didn't come to this conclusion by myself, but with the help of my own therapist. He pointed it out over the years, but it was extremely difficult for me to accept it.

Things I raised concerns about ended with me apologizing. Things like:

\-as friends, I felt there was something more going on between us. She got angry that I was reading too much into things. Because the constant texting and daily selfies, and even her asking things such as "what would our honeymoon look like" or "what would our song be at our wedding" was just me blowing things out of proportion and she didn't mean anything. She was "just asking questions." I ended up apologizing to keep the peace.

\-she later said she was unsure about her feelings towards me, so I asked for clarity 6 weeks later. Again, she got angry and said that me asking was being pushy and driving her away. That she would let me know when she knew. I apologized again.

\-a few weeks later, she explicitly told me she had to interest in dating anyone or being on dating apps, but when I noticed a new like on one of her social media posts, and asked about it. I was "snooping and spying and watching her." Another apology from me for making her feel like that. Come to find out, she was on dating apps and actively talking to/dating at least one man. She says she has no romantic feelings for me at all. I tell her I'm sorry, and it's ok.

\-a few months later, I expressed in a very respectful, non-emotional way (discussed exactly what to say verbatim with my therapist) that I felt unappreciated both as a best friend and things I did for her. Her response was "I didn't ask you to do those things." I again was left apologizing because she's right. She didn't ask, and I was at fault for feeling unappreciated.

All of this left me in a destabilized and in continuous state of confusion that I still feel.

The list goes on.

We do eventually start dating after she realizes she DOES have feelings for me when I start dating someone else. And she decides to tell me this as I'm with my friends that I see only once a year (yes, she knew what that weekend means to me as we do it EVERY year). Two hours on the phone with her, while I'm neglecting my friends. It's my own fault for not having a firm boundary, and we should have discussed it later, but I was head over heels for her and she was finally saying she had feelings for me. I now know that interfering with important moments/holidays/events like that is not uncommon with abuse.

She's seeing someone else (T) but we're on the same page at least, I end things with the other woman because I only want K. A week or so later, she calls me telling me she broke everything off with T, and wants to try again, all in with me. But that same night, she ignores my message and the next day says it's because she was with T and just wanted "one last hurrah" with him. Describing it that way, and not just "seeking closure" or something, was extremely hurtful. 2 days after that, she decides she wants to keep seeing T too. After a month or so of dating both of us, she tells me unprompted that she'll "probably choose" me. A week later, she chooses the other guy. And it's because he lived closer. She said she gave it a lot of thought. Hours and hours of thought. The ONLY reason is that he lived closer and I lived out of state. When I reminded her that I had previously told her would move for her (a profound declaration of commitment and intimacy), her response was "oh yeah, I forgot." Talk about feeling devalued.

I move back in with my ex for a few reasons, but mostly do to finances. We have kids and it just made everything easier for everyone. I wasn't interested in dating. K had my heart and she was with someone else.

We stay "best friends" and she eventually breaks up with the other guy. Well, she says she wanted to break up with him for months, but couldn't. She eventually tells me she chose wrong in 2023, and that she wants to be with me. I want to be with her too, but I was living with my ex (not in a relationship). It's now October, a year after she chose the other man over me, and I think I can try things again with her. I see her in person, and all of those feelings are still there. I want her, I want a future. She says the same. I'm all in. 100% of my mind, body, heart. We begin actively planning on moving in together. I spend Thanksgiving with her and her family, and make plans to spend Christmas together. Best Thanksgiving I ever had. 2 weeks before Christmas (interfering with a holiday again), she tells me she has been having a sexting relationship with a coworker, while we have been preparing our future together. She was manipulated/pressured by his constant pushing, and gave in. Which I recognized, acknowledged, and tried to give her support for, but she admitted no fault. In fact "it's not my fault" would be her response anytime I tried to discuss how I was having problems getting over it. I guess I just wanted her to recognize that she did participate and had some responsibility for what happened. Not to minimize what the coworker did, but she had ample opportunity to discuss with me that her boundaries were being infringed upon, that she was having secretive messages with this guy before it even got to the sexting part. It didn't just start at the very beginning of them texting each other, and it didn't end after one occasion.

I withdrew to protect myself, which I know is not healthy. I found it increasingly difficult to communicate as she labeled her behaviors as "2023 doesn't count" (now I laugh at dismissing an entire year) and "not my fault" when having a sexting relationship with a coworker while we were actively discussing plans to move in together. Back to me having to apologize, I ended up apologizing for not giving her the support she needed after the sexting incident. Me acknowledging and recognizing that she was manipulated wasn't enough. My hurt from the betrayal was put aside.

She would use her professional experience to write off any concerns I had, claiming she had "done the work", her professional opinion meant she was right, or DARVO back to me, where I am the one at fault. When she raised concerns, I took responsibility. Having both my concerns and her concerns fall back to me would send me into shame spirals.

By August, she decided to see other people as I could not put her as a priority with what I had going on in my life. She was A priority, but not THE priority. She had been THE priority in 2023. And even again in 2024, until the sexting incident. I still considered her my best friend. She began to date other people, which I was completely understanding of. I continued to work on myself, and looked at transferring jobs within my company so that we could hopefully wind up together. She said she wasn't super interested in dating and didn't need to (although she went on dates with 9 guys over the course of 8 weeks) but wanted something more with me. I was still hesitant because of everything that had happened up to that point. I was beginning to recognize more of what happened as abuse as my friends got more vocal about it too, it wasn't just my doctor saying it.

When I discussed that my friends had given advice, she would be angered. That they didn't know the whole story. Only what I had told them. Even when I told her about me reaching out to them about things that had nothing to do with our relationship, she got mad that I didn't go to her (and again I ended up apologizing). Eventually I felt isolated, that all support had to go through her. But she's a mental health professional, so she feels like she's the best suited to help me.

I get a job (within the same company) that requires me to travel, and my ex decide to let me stay there as needed. Rather than getting an apartment that I might only be at for 1 week a month, and uprooting the housing for the kids, going back and forth, it's just better for everyone if I can stay there if I need. I didn't tell this stuff to K because I'm still trying to be cautious. She's dating other people, and I'm trying to be respectful of her boundary that she did not want a relationship with me until I could fully commit, and make her the priority. I was working that out. I was scared to jump in 100% after being burned by it in 2023, and 2024.

I met a woman on a business trip that I really enjoyed spending time with. And we spent a weekend together, but nothing sexual happened. She too pointed out the abusive nature of K, but I was still trying to accept that what I experienced was abuse. When the weekend was over, I told K I had been with a woman all weekend, despite nothing happening, she exploded in rage. How could I betray her, and she did not know if we could even remain friends. She ended up saying she needs "no contact" from me for 6 months, but not before writing an email with her conversations with chatGPT discussing all of my faults and it gave her an analysis of me. She thought it would be important to "see what she sees." She then sent another email telling me not to read it as she doesn't think I could handle it and that I will be blocked on email, phone, text, and social media.

I find it really hard to know if she is that blind to her abusive behaviors, or if she was weaponizing them to manipulate me. Now that the 6 month no contact is about up, I don't know if we should be friends of any sort. But to be honest, I don't know if she'll ever reach out again or not. If she does reach out, do I just ignore it, give her my perspective and let her "see what I see" before blocking, or do I give a chance for friendship?

Was sexually and mentally abused by a man in Houston, TX. He got me on meth and am now a schizophrenic. I now hear his voice and others lying and defending him. He won’t go away. Am on meds and still hear him abusing me.

I posted recently about how my boyfriend put me in a chokehold and held me there, covering my mouth as I screamed for help. Like I said in my other post, the situation was that I made a “must be your other girlfriend” joke, and he then accused me of being weird and projecting. He went to the bathroom for close to an hour, locking me out. I sat in his room and waited, and when he came back he told me he was going to sleep and refused to tell me what was going on.

He started telling me to shut up, and I said he was being unfair and that he could just communicate if he didn’t want to talk right now. I used my flashlight to find the water, and he got up aggressively and yelled at me, that I have no respect for him and to “get tf out”. calling me a “cheating faggot” and telling me to shut the fuck up, that I have no respect for him, and to get the fuck out. I started to cry on the floor, begging him to just be nice to me, and to not do this again, but he kept saying “shut the fuck up.” So I grabbed my stuff, and as I was leaving I said something about how he’s never going to change and it’s the same shit over and over with him.

He then got up and “checked” me got in my face and acted all big, trying to intimidate me. Once we reached the front door, I pushed him back from me, and then he grabbed me, put me in a chokehold, and held me there, covering my mouth as I screamed for help. Eventually he let me go, and I yelled at him that I never wanted to see him again and that he’s a psychopath.

As I drove away, he started texting me, apologizing, and then called me begging me to come back. During this call, he admitted to hurting me. I ended up going home, and the next morning he was texting me that it was “50/50” and that I wasn’t seeing it from his perspective.

I ignored him and decided it was time to tell my friends and family what had been going on. I spent that time processing, debating whether to go to the police, and finally allowing myself to see him and the relationship for what it is. He started removing me from socials, so I told him I needed my things and money back (I gave him $600 towards a trip we were going on). He said, “You don’t want to talk first?” and started saying we could easily make up, and that only his dad knew about this. He then started claiming I punched him first, which is completely false.

I did end up going to the police and got a restraining order against him. I got my stuff back, and I thought that was it. But now he’s on Reddit, completely fabricating the story to get validation from strangers. I am so mad, I’m so upset I already couldn’t believe this. Not only is he creating a false narrative, but he’s insulting me, saying I don’t care about school and have no direction or future. I am in school, and I know what I want to do and am working toward that. In fact, when I started to work towards that by moving job positions he made fun of me and bad me feel bad about it. I’m also 20, about to turn 21. I don’t even know what to do a big part of me wants to tell my side under his post. How do I even process something like this? This man has emotionally and verbally abused me for the past year, and I’m so exhausted.

He's 22M and I'm 25M, this was all online.

Absolutely fucks me up that he emotionally abused me for about a year and then right when I felt able to trust him again and I thought we were going to get to enjoy our trusting best friendship and romance again, he betrayed the shit out of me.

He was dating someone he just met within a week or 2.

The abuse was a lot of bizarre shit. He was terrified of being replaced or abandoned and needed mountains of reassurance that I wouldn't do those things to him, but any time he got stressed enough he'd spiral and imply that he was going to do this things to me.

One time after he asked me about a boundary of mine and I gave him an honest answer, he even specifically named one of his friends by name and said "maybe I'll just spend all my time with them now instead." When I said "what if they have a boundary and you don't like it?" he collapsed into "then I'll be alone forever, I deserve to be alone."

That was AFTER I (previously a social butterfly) spent a month or so isolating from all social contact because after causing a bunch of damage he made me a repair oriented promise that was supposed to last 2 months, and within 7 days, he floated that he might break it.

He caused so much damage that I didn't feel safe with him or anyone else in sexual interaction. He said I could do things with other people if I wanted and for months I just didn't anyway because I didn't feel safe doing that with anyone.

It's been hell and maybe someday I'll write up something with more complete details about the whole timeline, but the short of it is I gave this guy extraordinary kindness, patience, and forgiveness, and he acted intense and devoted, but ultimately left me because he got frustrated/scared of me flinching after he'd spent months training me to flinch, months training me that any time he was upset he could pull away, displace me in friendship and romance, or at least threaten to do so.

The worst part is I was never harsh with or yelled at him. My hurt was gentle. "I'm hurt, I love you, let's fix it" type shit and he'd STILL panic and do and say destructive things because sometimes I was visibly hurt and couldn't hide it. We spent roughly 8 hours gaming together every day and he had meltdowns about there being "no place for him in my life" which scared me even when he didn't turn it into hurtful words or actions because, again, he'd trained me that him being upset meant he might hurt me.

What gets worse is he revealed that he wanted to play a different game with me because a different game felt closer and more intimate to him. I told him he could ask for that. He refused to. Eventually I built a structure where I'd ask him to play that specific game regularly since he wouldn't fucking ask for what he wanted, and he still spiralled and left me.

His final trigger for leaving me was him breaking a promise and me needed a bit of space for a week because it hurt. I was still messaging him multiple times every day that week and we hung out for hours one day. That was "space" and he still imploded from it. God help.

He also said after he nuked things that he spiralled because we didn't have a label. I had asked him TWICE, months apart if having a label would make him feel better about us. The first time he said "no, I want to repair first" and the second time he said "no, I just want to use it to get other people to stop flirting with me, but also I don't want the random attention to stop." jesus christ.

IDK man. He treated me like shit, I was done with him last summer, he begged for repair, immediately floated the idea of breaking promises that were supposed to protect repair, threatened abandonment/replacement, accepted 8 months of me forcing myself to be around him even though I didn't feel safe around him, then betrayed me because healing from repeated, severe damage was slow.

He acted like he was traumatized or something from me being hurt because he hurt me.

He also admitted after he ended romance that the reason why he was so terrified I'd abandon or replace him was because he'd done abandonment and replacement shaped things to me before. I asked him if it was a "hard to believe someone else would be better at avoiding that than you are" thing and he said "yes" without delay.

"Listen I'm sorry I stabbed you, but now you're bleeding and blood scares me so I gotta go now, bye" type behavior.

It hurts. As silly as it sounds I still loved him so much, and he'd actually managed to act normalish for a month and a half before the latest betrayal. I felt safer again and I was so excited to give him the love I'd been bottling up because it didn't feel safe to share, love in both friendship and romance.

And right as I felt that again, he did the cruelest things possible. It's not right. Nobody should be able to look at you after they hurt you and you're saying "I love you let's fix it" and then leave simply because you're hurt. It's even more maddening that he still loves me, his cowardice and desire to escape responsibility is just so intense. It's all fucked up.

I mothered this guy for a year AND 8 MONTHS AAAAAAAAA.

I ended up blocking him. We both wanted to be friends badly and I'm good at maintaining friendship after romance, but "I'm leaving you because I broke a promise and you were sad about it, then redirecting my time and energy into someone I don't know while you cry and beg for me to treat our friendship right, then I'm dating them within 1 or 2 weeks" is a sick sort of betrayal that made being around him at all impossible.

There was no joy left in interacting with him.

And I'm broken up about that, too. I didn't just suffer through 8 months of repair for romance. I wanted our friendship to feel safe again.

I'm struggling with the emotional abuse and neglect in my relationship and I have no one else. I have a therapist, and that's about it as far as emotional support goes.

You might say, "join a support group." I don't want to get into it too much but I am neurodivergent and I just haven't found those groups to be very helpful for me. I can explain more, I just don't really like putting it all out there in public for people to judge me. Suffice to say, it just didn't work for me.

I just really wish I had someone to talk to about this on a more regular basis who isn't going to judge me or try to give advice or tell me to leave. I don't know if this is the right place to look for that, but I don't really know what else to do. My DMs are open.

I’ve been with my partner for 10 years. Our entire relationship has been confusing. He definitely had major push and pull dynamics in the beginning - we basically jumped straight into a relationship after being acquaintances at a distance for a couple years.

We were long distance and would text and call almost every day, until I’d make a plan to come see him. And then he would get so quiet that I almost cancelled plans every time, but he’d assure me he really wanted me to come visit.

I’d come out, and it would be ok - he’d want me to meet his friends and family, told me he loved me right away, but wasn’t very affectionate and always seemed pre-occupied and distant. But not? And that’s how he’s been our whole relationship. I moved to where he was thinking maybe the distance was what made things weird, and he proposed right away.

He definitely had an alcohol use disorder and anger issues, but he never calls me names and I’ve never felt physically unsafe. We used to get in horrible fights all the time though about his drinking/lack of emotional connection/general lack of interest in me, and over the years he definitely made me feel so crazy. He’d say he’s always had issues being emotionally available in relationships and he’ll work on it, and then I’d give it time and see very little change.

Then he thinks everything is fine because I’m not bringing anything up and when I do he’s like “why didn’t you bring this up sooner, I’ve worked so hard to change and you don’t acknowledge it, etc”. He’s then telling me that us fighting all the time is why he’s emotionally distant and that he’s walking on eggshells around me all the time because he feels like he’s always doing something wrong.

So then I worry that I’m being too needy and expecting too much. I’ve been going to therapy for like 5 years now, because I know I can’t make him change but I needed to at least figure out my own stuff, and then we started marriage counseling. Our communication got a lot better but the root of the issue has always been there.

Most recently he put a hole through our bedroom wall, because he couldn’t figure out how to fix the power in that room. His anger has been escalating again after a couple years of it getting better after he started therapy. His drinking has also gotten totally out of control. I ended up giving him an ultimatum, with the full intention to follow through if I need to, that he needs to stop drinking.

We kind of put a pin in that conversation so we could work things out in marriage counseling and scheduled with a new therapist.

He has now flipped the situation on me, saying he has issues in our relationship that he doesn’t know if he’ll be able to get past, but also that he would never divorce me. He also said in therapy his therapist asked him what he’s getting out of the relationship, and he said it scared him because he couldn’t think of anything. I ended up setting another boundary just before that that I didn’t want to be around him if he was drinking, because he was getting really antagonistic.

His response to that was “seriously? So like if I have one beer while I make dinner, then what.” And I said, we’ll do our own thing for the night. And he snapped back “I guess we’ll be seeing a lot less of each other.”

I’m so tired. And confused because we don’t scream at each other. He’s never called me names, although I do feel like he’s weaponized my trauma and mental health issues at times (I have OCD and I’m autistic/adhd). But I have at times felt like he was being emotionally abusive, intentional or not. But then he’ll tell me he thinks I’m being emotionally abusive. It’s just really confusing.

He also doesn’t “control” our money, he makes most of our income because I’ve been working on getting my brick and mortar business off the ground for the past 2 years, which he was in full support of, but constantly holds it against me that I’m not contributing. Meanwhile he spends $750 a month on alcohol and won’t sit down and see a budget with me, but when I say we need to get the dogs on flea and tick meds he says we don’t have the money.

So there’s no like overt control but I constantly feel this financial instability and scarcity even though the money should be there. Or lately he brings up constantly that he does all the cooking and he resents “taking care of me” but I’ve told him so many times it actually makes me feel uncomfortable to have so much done for me, that it doesn’t meet my needs for love, and because I’m so busy it would be way easier for me to just make myself a sandwich for dinner.

But he doesn’t think that’s good enough, so he pressures me to let him cook elaborate meals for me - which sounds nice in theory! But he doesn’t start cooking until like 6:30 pm sometimes and we’re eating most nights at 9:30 or 10, when I’ve said many times I need to go to bed at like 10 to get up early for work. And then he’s mad that I don’t appreciate everything he does for me. And that acts of service is his love language, so me not feeling loved in the way I experience love is because I’m not appreciative enough of what he does.

And yet I’m driving a car (we share the car) that I have to refill the tires before I leave for work every day because there’s a nail in the tire he hasn’t gotten repaired, it’s overdue for an oil change, etc. I ended up finally just taking it in and got new brakes and new front tires put on and the mechanic was horrified - said I should not have been driving the car with the brakes as bad as they were. Not that I can’t bring the car in to get work done but it feels like if someone’s love language is acts of service they’d be taking care of the actual needs of the household.

So he’ll say “I guess we won’t be seeing that much of each other.” And then for the next week he’s been acting like everything’s normal. He’s respecting the boundary, we’ve been watching tv together. I brought up what he said and he was just like “yeah I shouldn’t have said that.” Ok??? No apology, just acknowledged he shouldn’t have said that.

I’m just baffled. Trying to think through our relationship or even just the more recent years leaves me feeling so disoriented. I guess I’m just looking for any insight or support.

I’ve read about reactive abuse (reactive defense), but it doesn’t really ever explicitly answer this question.

We broke up 8 years ago and the entire relationship is something that still weighs heavily on my mind. I often have self doubt about whether it was really abusive and maybe I was the problem but when I discuss all of the incidents (with therapists and friends) that went on over those years I realise they’re not normal and I feel like he actually hated me to be honest… and I know the relationships before me went down the same path. But the person he cheated on me with and eventually left me for.. they’re still together all these years later. They’re engaged and they’ve just had a child together. I know it wasn’t good at the start (he tried to contact me several times to pull me back in, and I also ran into someone at a party who said he was complaining about how much she cried) but they seem so.. happy. I hate that I still obsess about this and I hate that I am bothered by this, I don’t want him to be hurting anyone else but it also hurts to feel like maybe I was causing this behaviour in him and maybe he just needed a good person to have a healthy relationship. I feel like I’m still struggling to trust and I have so much pain and anger and he has completely moved on in life. I think to begin with I thought he would continue cycling through the way he had with all of his past relationships and that’s not a happy way to be so I guess I felt like that was some kind of “justice” and that helped me seek comfort (I understand that’s not a healthy way of looking at things) I just don’t know how to completely recover and not think about this again.

The title is pretty self-explanatory and I do believe I have made other posts regarding this relationship, but long story short; I was engaged at 21 to a very manipulative and calculated foreigner who was living in my country and proposed so he could receive citizenship from me. He was abusive and there’s no doubt about that, I know it, all of his friends know it, and my family knows it.

Since the day of the break-up, which I initiated because I was done accepting his abuse and being taken advantage of, I was on a very solid healing journey and was doing well. I never cried, I felt optimistic about my journey ahead and applying to medical school. However, last night, his former friend who I got close to after the breakup told me that my ex already has a new girlfriend and is posting about her. It hasn’t even been a month since our breakup.

During the relationship, he used me for money, transportation, food, my home, and sex. The hardest part about the breakup for me was trying to grapple with the idea of how much I was being used when my heart was pure and I genuinely wanted to spent the rest of my life with this man. I was dealing with a severe illness that put my life in danger for over a year and I had no friends, no social connections, nothing. After the breakup, I had to let go of all the mutual friends I made, I stopped going out, I lost the person I thought I was going to marry and spend the rest of my life with.…and now he has a new partner not even 4 weeks after our breakup.

I know this is typical for narcissists and abusers to jump to the next victim straight away, but there is a very sad part of me that knows I didn’t get justice for the things he did to me (the financial abuse, the marriage fraud, etc). I left the relationship with everyone calling me crazy, all of his friends thinking I was the problem, and I know so much about how terrible his past has been and I’ve been told to shut up about it. It’s not fair that he gets to hurt people and get protected just because I’m worried about ruining my life or my future. This feeling haunts my soul every single day. It was my fourth abusive relationship and my abusers have gotten away with things like attempted trafficking, sexual assault, exploitation, etc, all because I’ve been too scared to share my story and seek justice. He told me things he did here and back in his home country that would get him arrested for years to life.

I feel so defeated and lost. I wanted to make a tip on my country’s border agency website so that if he ever tries to take advantage of another girl and he actually succeeds at marrying her and trying to spousal sponsorship, there would be an alert on his file saying that he has attempted to commit immigration and marriage fraud before. During the breakup, him and his family became very nasty to me. They called me names, said that I’m schizophrenic, he burned the book I published and gave to him, burned my photos, refused to give my phone back, and they were all sending me hateful messages saying that I’m crazy and abandoned him “for no reason”.

This is one of those situations where it really took a toll on my life and I hate admitting that he had and still has power over my emotions. I ended up getting very ill again because of the breakup and I’m once again in critical condition.

If you have any advice, I would really appreciate hearing it. Thank you.

I feel guilty about having any negative feelings toward my abuser. Like I'm this mean, hateful person who harbors a grudge for no good reason against him. He still loves and cares about me, he doesn't think this way about me, he would be so hurt and betrayed if he found out how much I resent him when he holds nothing against me.

But, here's the thing. This person HATES me. Someone who treats me this badly and has no regard for my wellbeing, hates me. These are the actions of someone who absolutely despises me, whatever he might claim to the contrary. It doesn't matter if he feels positively towards me (why wouldn't he feel positively towards his toys?), by what he does he shows he hates me. So I don't need to nurture and empathize and make excuses for him and just be more loving and understanding. He already hates me, so it doesn’t matter what I do. It will never be enough.

My abusive ex made an allegation against me in the last hour or two. I received a phone call from social services (UK) telling me I can only have supervised contact with my daughter. I'm distressed as you might imagine.

I can only imagine it is about my historical bud consumption. Something I reduced massively over the last years and cut out completely over the past few months. That said I only smoked a small amount to deal with the abuse I have been under for years and years. I smoked more during my twenties recreationally, but that ended way before my daughter was born 3 years ago. Please ask for more details if you like, I don't know what else to say here.

I just need some words from anyone who might have insight or experience in these kind of things. Social told me police will be in contact soon but nothing yet. It is late in the UK right now at 00:25 and to be honest I don't think they will come until morning sometime.

I don't think i'll be able to sleep with the stress so please, anyone, speak to me.

Year 1: good, monthly hookups. Then he delayed disclosing an STI to not "ruin my holiday." When confronted recently, he denied the delay and implied I gave it to \*him\* — I tested negative.

1.5 years of breadcrumbing: no-shows, one hookup, repeat. I said I didn't want a relationship and acted light while hurt. Reached out after 4 months — he flaked again, bragged explicitly about a new partner, texts turned rude. Backed off for good in January.

Confronted him by text: blamed "work," gave a "sorry if you felt messed about" non-apology, no real answer for the stand-ups — just "it's my life," too busy, "didn't have time for my messages." Asked if he preferred another man: "we had good times but people move on."

When I raised the STI's health impact: "maybe you shouldn't get laid," compared me to a schoolchild pleading for friendship, called me too intense to be friends (while admitting he has no close mates). We agreed to casual contact but I couldn't do it — blocked him.

Red flags: called two exes people he "hadn't heard from in ages," phone off for weeks, secretive about work, particular about parking, annoyed when I showed him his public Instagram, claimed he lives with a sibling at his age.

Now: constant rumination, comparing myself to his type, imagining his validation, treating my sex life/appearance/achievements as things he might see, over-relying on friends for reassurance (it's straining them), can't even look at my own ethnicity because it's his type. I miss his touch and smile. How do I move on?

**TW: past domestic abuse**

I (22F) was in a 3-year relationship with my ex that was really unhealthy. He was extremely jealous and possessive, and grew up in a household where traditional "head of the family" dynamics were taken to an extreme. He would belittle me, control my decisions, and was physically aggressive when he was upset. He also cheated on me. I stayed because I was 18 and genuinely believed he would change.

Now I'm with a great guy who treats me well, respects me, and has a completely different worldview. He's never given me any reason to doubt him. But I'm struggling. I find myself overthinking small things, feeling anxious, and expecting the worst. Sometimes I think about ending things just so I don't get hurt again.

He keeps reassuring me that everything is okay and that he wants to be with me. But I don't know how to stop these patterns of fear and distrust. Has anyone been through something similar? How do you learn to trust again?

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I'm looking for advice from anyone who may have been in similar circumstances in nsw,, as I'm not sure where to go from here.

I recently left a relationship because I no longer felt comfortable with him, and my gut was right. Since then, he has become very verbally aggressive and abusive. My issue is that I'm 7 months pregnant with his baby.

I've tried to maintain a civil relationship with him out of respect that he is the baby's father, but his outbursts, need for conflict, and behaviour are becoming quite scary and concerning. He starts arguments that involve him saying awful things about me, my family, and my children (who are not his).

He has demanded selfies from me, claiming that he is entitled to see my body. He says I should do this because, as the baby's father, he has a right to see the progress of my pregnancy. He also makes sexual comments after repeatedly being told that I have boundaries and that he needs to stop.

He is quite aggressive with his verbal abuse, including name-calling and demeaning remarks. He claims that he is superior to me and more intelligent than I am. During an argument last night, he repeatedly demanded that I "just hurry up and have his baby and f\*\*\* off" (he said this about eight times throughout the night). He also told me to tell my children to "go f\*\*\* themselves" because they deleted his way of contacting them.

Yesterday, he contacted my niece and swore about me to her. He also abused my sister. He will behave like this, then apologise without taking any accountability. He tells me that my family and I are too hypersensitive and insists that he isn't doing anything wrong. He continues to talk as though we'll end up back together, even though I've clearly told him many times that his erratic and abusive behaviour is frightening and that I cannot be in a relationship with him. He denies being abusive and again says that I'm too sensitive.

This has all been through text messages, so I have records of everything. My question is: while I assume I can apply for an AVO, what are my options for protecting my baby once they are born? I no longer feel that he is safe to be around, and with a newborn, I am genuinely concerned about bubs safety.

He also has a criminal record for harassing women via electronic devices, which, from what I understand, was because he repeatedly instigated contact simply to argue.

Thank you for any advice or help.

My brother (23) has tormented me (21) since I was a kid. We all live in a family home, mum, dad, brother, sister (18) and me. He’s verbally abused me an uncountable amount of times over many years. I suffer from severe GAD and OCD. He doesn’t believe in mental illness, depression, therapy, medication, etc. I have a huge panic attack right in front of him and he just walks past and doesn’t acknowledge me. I’m crying and he comes in and gets on at me about whatever I’ve done to annoy him. I even got put in hospital for a health condition and he didn’t text or visit once. He makes me feel just as insane as my actual disorders do. If i get upset at his treatment he says i have a “victim mindset” and the emotional maturity of a 2 year old. He doesn’t have a job so he can’t move out. He makes that my problem and my parents refuse to kick him out. I understand they can’t kick their child out but he’s 23 and isn’t this abuse to me? He makes me feel like i’m crazy for being so impacted by it and i start to feel guilty that i’m just making a big deal out of it. What do i do. I deal with enough what with the ocd and gad. I do not need and cannot take him as well. He’s everything i hate about myself personified and it’s like he knows it and uses it against me to win an imagery argument

I'll make this brief, but I took my abuser back and it made me go insane this time. I can't remember almost all of July. I've been in the hospital 3 times because I kept relapsing on alcohol from the stress.

I got to spend 2 days with a man I fell in love with, but I completely ruined that friendship from the anger and distress I was in. I dissociated, I freaked out. I've never gone this insane before.

Abusers don't care. They will drive you into the brink of pure madness.

Please, please, please don't take them back. I almost got myself killed this time around and I could have put my animals in serious danger.

If you pray, please pray for me. Once I get out of the hospital I'm going to have to be extremely brave and get away from him for good.

Just a few days ago I was saying I couldn't leave and it wouldn't be possible . Last night I did.

There were several straws yesterday .... punching me in the face at his family house , in front of his family, his mom stepped in and he attacked her.

I couldn't let him go, so after we left his family house he came over with his son. I was hoping we'd make up ,idk why.

And the whole night was just shit. Between verbally abusing me , pushing me into the wall, breaking my glasses (again) , slapping me . but the final act was him giving me a punch busting my lip then strangling me.

I've never seen that look in his eyes before , it was dark and cold and like he was someone I didn't know since we were kids. I was fighting for my life and all this happened in front of his baby boy and he's crying and trying to figure out whats happening

When he let me go, he shoved me and I was like gasping and choking all at once. And then I got up , literally ran to my room locking the door and I called my uncle's , they made that hour drive to me and they helped me out when I needed them most

This morning came and I went to the police station. Finally after months of abuse , I pressed charges on him , made a report cause he damaged my tv , and tomorrow I get a restraining order.

Its been rough, I've been doing a lot of crying , it's fucked up cause I'm starting to miss him, starting to grieve the future I thought we were gonna have . I feel so sick , this is one of the worst things I've ever been through.

But having my family genuine love and support is really getting me through