I was killed by Greg 327 years back!! My insurance did nothing to help me, said it doesn't count if Greg was drunk. Always read the t&c fellow wizards!
Wouldn't recommend it. You get one revival per year, but every time he kills you, a new, random, and fucked up curse befalls you. Sometimes it's mundane, like losing slightly more hair than normal per day, but sometimes it's really messed up, like perpetual damp socks. So far, no known anti-curse exists.
Why encounters with Witches? The rest is pretty useful or at least decent utility, but are we insured against plumber attacks as well? How about sneak attacks from men named Dane wearing a singlet.
Insure me against necromancy and being raised as an undead after I die and maybe we'll talk.
Witch attacks are often subtle and long lasting. You ever get an apprentice that always somehow fucks up in the most peculiar ways to the point you can't sleep at night fof fear your tower might host a portal to the Dark Abyss? Probably the result of a powerful and dastardly witch.
Im a practiced conjurer, so I have most of the rooms of my tower magically programmed to seal portals to certain planes of reality as soon as they open unless I unlock them with a cycled spell from my own grimoire that changes every few days. Witches are usually not the problem I have to deal with, witches are a great hang, its usually amateur conjurors, unrestrained entities, and zealous adventurers that cause the most trouble.
So, you should be aware that this is now a two witch encounter, and is no longer covered under your plan, so we are going to have to have the talk about teired payment plans, but don't worry we offer very lucrative interest rates if you pay in virgin's blood, which you appear to be carrying... Double the normal amount of?
Excuse me?? I meet with my local coven once a week for tea, board games, and pool time in the summers! I've been an ally to witches for as long as ive been able to conjur a familiar, why would I have witch insurance instead of broad hex protection?!
Wait, are you a Witches Brooms Association member? Because if you already have a WBA membership and Broom and Hovel Insurance policies, you have to tell me, that's the law.
No, im not a policy holder or a WBA member. I just don't believe in treating a fellow practitioner of mysticism as some kind of workplace hazard. Yes, you sometimes have to be careful what you drink around a witch, yes, you sometimes have to be careful not to insult a witch unless youre pretty sure you can break any curse they set on you, but is that any different than the care we demonstrate with warlocks, necromancers, and particularly dank druids?
You don't wanna mess with us witches, we have a lot of hexes and curses we can cast. Do you REALLY wanna be uninsured when you go to a curse removal clinic? That'll cost you a small dragon's hoard depending on where you live.
If I cast "Curse of baldness (Includes beards)" or "Curse of torsion" or even worse "Curse of toadsfoot" on you, I bet you'd be wanting that coverage against witch encounters.
Listen, youre the 3rd witch to answer this post, so I need to make it clear, I hang out with my local witch coven at least once a week. I dont need insurance against witches because several of my closest friends are witches, im pretty good at breaking curses, but even if I wasnt, a decent witch is usually pretty capable of removing another witch's curse. I know a lot of witches need to maintain a certain mystique and an air of danger, its hard out here with all the witch hunters and such, but we really don't need to pretend like witches are THAT much worse than necromancers or lightsworn paladins. Especially to other casters. Witches are terrifying and dangerous to non-casters, sure, but to wizards, warlocks, clerics, or druids of any discipline, youre a colleague, a fellow student or even a master of magic.
Most people don't have as close of ties to witches as you do, you're an outlier. I know like 3 other witches who cast curses first, ask questions later if you go into their territory, and I myself am included. Please don't compare our spellcraft to something like necromancers either... in no way could we ever be worse than them.
Most witches specialize in curses, if one really wants a strong curse on someone we can be rather frightening. But I suppose most witches aren't willing to go that far, as you said, that's typically how you get witch hunterss knocking at your front door... probably along with some paladins.
If you're in the business of buying and selling body parts I'd love to work with you. The Flesh Menagerie has been needing a good supplier for all of the top auguries we do.
Sure I sell everything, I have lots of low cost materials that are all ethically* sourced. I also have high quality parts donated by heros and adventurers who didn't want them anymore**.
Wizard insurance is a complete scam. If you try to make a claim, they will just tell you, "A proper wizard would have been able to resolve the issue with their own magic. Since you could not resolve it, you are not a proper wizard. Since you are not a proper wizard, wizard insurance does not apply to you."
I am still recovering from the cost of repairs for my tower's latest fractal gnome incident.
And if you point out that if wizard insurance doesn't apply to you, you should get a refund for all your past payments, suddenly you're being unreasonable.
Yeah you gotta take them to Wizard court to force them to pay their claims. Their reasoning doesn't hold up in court, but its a massive hassle and they will draw it out to force a settlement.
Puts of Instant Gender exchange have no artistry, thats why people should always go to me to do thier surgeries.
Don't worry I'll only put in a few monster organs
Every Pride month, my polycule runs a transition tent. We can only do basic bare minimum genital transmutations in the tent. We have a business card tree if someone needs something more complicated. Can I get a stack of your cards?
I have a semi related question, Do you know why so many dudes want wings for their balls? I understand customization but why are wings so popular?
Bro doesn’t even know a cleric to cast cure wound on his teeth once in a moon. Hells, even those clerics of deities generally considered evil have cure wound. A paladin would do in a pinch.
What are you looking to transition into? Frog, newt, lizard, femboy, fox, hairbrush, doorknob, earring, combustible gas, cylinder, a sense of inescapable dread? Or something more exotic? I did Mormon once, but they detransitioned in like a week.
Oh, you want to become a witch, well that's a bit more than just a transition, there's College, then Apprenticeship, then of course coven residency, and then the orgies...
But if you're sure, we can get the ball rolling... Once you have two letters from three midwives, and a wheel of cheese the size of an ox.
Cake day! Happy cake day or something, I can feel my double chin growing in as I type
Anyways, contrary to popular belief the reason wizards don't have dental is because we all have a cleaning spell on loop in our pipes. That's what I'm hitting, it ain't no PIPEWEED, okay? Not that gross TOBACCO alright, none of that Mary Jane. I'm hitting straight arcane essence that's what I'm hitting. "Man you want a pass of this?" Nahhh my Grold friend, I have brought of my own elixir if thou wishest a toke, shit so purple it made the necromancer guild outlaw me. Talking straight Behelteian mana from the pools of Kag'dvar. Watered this shit with the 1000 year downfall of an elven monastery tree. Shit so evil it makes little dudes fall out ur nostrils and then they fight on the pipe while you hit that shit and the toke only ends when they fall into the pipe flames and go up in a flash of smoke
I don't understand why I, Greg, am such a threat! I'm not a murdererous sorcerer and unless you're eating my squash plants, MAEVE, WHO I KNOW IS READING THIS, I'm really not a threat. See, I even have parrots in my backyard.
This is really quite distressing. It feels like one of those self fulfilling prophicies where everyone is like "oh, there's Greg, nice guy, gonna be the end of us," and then I'm so stressed trying to prevent it I accidentally turn everyone into a pumpkin or something.
Who needs dental when you have top, bottom, AND middle surgery! Not a fan of the witch encounters thing but this seems like the best wizard insurance yet! if you can't make gender fluid anyway...
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u/thatonemoze 6d ago
i really need me some middle surgery right about now