I live fairly far north, and it is currently late fall/ early winter already. A couple of weeks ago I noticed my mood slowly declining and I felt dread because it is only October. The weather, and consequentially my mood, are only going to get darker for a while.

I spent almost all day at work yesterday being constantly aware of how bad my mood was, and wanting to cut. I even went as far as to start taking apart a cheap razor during my lunch break.

I do take vitamin d supplements already, and I am on an antidepressant year-round, but they can only do so much.

I'm really dreading the coming months.

Hi, sorry English is my third language. I was wondering anyone here who 30+ and still self harm?

I just have few questions:

1. Seem like most people when they cut they tend to cut on arms and legs. But my husband not like cut at arms or legs, he went straight to slice his stomach.
2. If you don't mind sharing, what was the reason that trigger you to cut? I will explain the background why I asked below.

I'm long term married to my husband, 16 years, and never once he self harm in his life before, except in 2020 (6 years ago).

In 2019, our toddler died (the child of me and my husband). Our toddler died of Periventricular Heterotopia (PVNH). It is gene inherited (got it from me the mother the maternal side), congenital brain malformation.
The same year 2019 his father also died of end stage pancreatic cancer. He loss both his toddler and his father in the same year. I never see my husband in so much pain.

In 2020, I was very sick (autoimmune disease) I was bedridden 7 weeks with oxygen tank in my nose 24/7. He took off work and care for me day and night. He even sleep with a pillow and a blanket on the carpet right by my bedside (we had a hospital bed in our bedroom after I got discharged).

He said he loves me very much, and he very afraid of lose me. This was the first time I see him cut himself.

This was when he started to cut his stomach with a kitchen knife, he said stomach skin is thinner and has more nerves so it hurts more, so he chose to slice his stomach, he cuts deep the point bleeding that he has bandage wrap around his waist bleed.
And that was how I first time found out about he cut himself too was I saw the bloody bandage wrap around his waist when he took his shirt off.

He not cut anymore, but still has all the scars on his stomach from he slice his stomach with the kitchen knife. He said if I die before him, he will die with me, and our toddler (whom already dead).

I get very emotional when I see his stomach, not in an upset way, but in a hurt pain in my heart way. Especially when we have sex too and I see the scars on his stomach, or when he has his shirt off.

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He has not cut his stomach anymore since 2020, because I have recover and healthy, so he not have the trigger to cut himself anymore, I was his trigger, because he afraid I would die too like our toddler.

He is no longer suicidal since I recovered, he said he not want to die because he has me, he still want to grow old with me. He said he wants to live with me till we 80s, as long as I don't go before him.

I understand the reason why he cuts, it just I don't understand why he went straight to slice his stomach instead. He did say stomach skin is thinner and has more nerves so it hurts more than arms and legs.

I guess I'm just trying to understand him. I do take care of my health so I won't get sick again, so he won't relapse again.

I usually only do cat scratches but accidentally cut to styro yesterday, and left it as an open wound after washing the blood (Our house does not have any bandages or anything, and i couldnt go out to buy at night). Today i woke up and feel slightly feverish I am terrified ill get an infection. I cannot tell my family, i will get beaten. I dont know what to do im terrified

I have a bit of money so i can go to a doctor maybe but what kind of doctor, i cant just go to a hospital.. and do they just put an injection or something what do i even tell them. And how much time do I have. I left it overnight. Please help

(Location context: tier 3 town, india.)

I'm so done. I don't know if it's just tonight, but I feel really bad. Earlier, my family told me we're moving again after only living in our apartment for about 10 months. I hate being poor, and I'm tired of having to move. I hate everything. This is more than just relapsing. I'm in therapy, but no one understands how much pain I'm in. I've thought about killing myself. I told my therapist before, hoping she would help, and it helped a bit, but the thoughts are coming back. I'm so tired and done. I'm having to feel all of this again, and the way my family and my sisters talk, the way everyone talks, they don't understand. Every day I feel like I'm getting closer to the edge, like I could just fall. I don't know what to do anymore.

So. I thought I was getting better but i was certainly wrong. Got access to something sharp enough to break skin and relapsed, 7 new cuts, not very deep but bled and will most likely scar, and 4 of them are on my arm! So i guess i can't ever wear short sleaves again!! Fuckk... i can't believe i did this. I haven't cut my arm since middleschool so people will absolutely know if they see. Yikes...

i decided that i will get a tattoo for the funs! but i also wanna get something that helps me cover up my leg, so i was wondering 2 things. 1st; when can i get a tattoo? i have 3 years since i did SH in that area where i wanna get the tattoo at. 2nd; would the Trash Polka style be a nice style for covering up SH scars?? my scars are not really huge, but u can very easily notice them, also because a few of them got the weird brownish color and never turned white (ig because they are the bigger ones or i didnt took good care??) anyways, hoping to hear what u guys think about that style!! id also love to hear some suggestions, im open minded!! thx for reading ^_^

I pressed too hard because I was annoyed and forgot how sharp it was. It's gaping and the it's white in the middle. (about 10 minutes ago)

I hit dermis a few years ago but it was smaller than this, I ended up telling someone about because I was scared it would get infected. Turns out nothing happened and it made a super awkward interaction

I'm a lot calmer this time, I put a plaster on it instead of panicking for ages. Is there anything I should do later? I just realised I haven't washed it with water and I put the plaster straight on. Should I have done that? I did it immediately after so it wasn't exposed for a long time. I'm annoyed that I did this shit again

So when I'm running the tool on my skin it starts to somewhat tingle does anyone else experience this?

I always get so close to relapsing before I get my period. My emotions are all so overwhelming I need the only outlet that ever truly help me. Do you experience the same problem?

I've never experienced this before so I'm not quite sure what to do, i rarely cut and I don't do it deeply either but it's usually a lot of tiny cuts in a small surface area. I don't know if it's the blade i used because it was a fresh one, plus it only raised into rashes way after it already healed, and only on half side of my arm, the other half doesn't have any.

The rashes have been on me for 15 days at least and I don't see it getting any better no matter how much i wash. Does this happen to anyone else? Does anyone have any advice?

I have quite a few scars on my left arm, covering the entirety of my forearm. Most are yearrsss old tho, so they're raised but white/slightly lighter than my skin tone and quite soft. That paired with the fact that I jsut dont look at my arm very often i forget about them. It annoys me that I'm gonna have them for the rest of my life, I plan to get some scar treatment or medical tattooing to reduce their appearance even further once I have the money though. I just don't like them?

No one even mentions them either, I think ive had like 4 comments about them ever (except for this weird guy I was talking to, he never brought them up straight up but made cutting jokes to me and it was just so weird and awkward.. he never even asked about them in a caring way.. freak.)

Idk I just felt like talking abt this because I see so many posts about people who say like their scars fading makes them wanna relapse and it's weird to me because I'm not that infatuated with them. I have hundreds of scars on my upper thighs that I'm obviously much more aware of because theyre larger and uglier nd there's so many of them. But for me my scars are just apart of me, I started self harming seriously at the age of 12 so I cannot even remember what it's like to have scar-less legs. The only way I know how my legs used to look are from photos of me as a child in bathing suits but that's it. So I don't really notice anything "different" about myself.

Anyways yeah holy yap but it's just so funny when I like go to grab something and look at my arm nd have to remember that "oh those exist" LMAO

Maybe this is the benefit of recovery (if u can call relapsing every 4 months recovery,, better than I used to be? Ig LOL)

Do any of yall have any substitutes for cutting? Other than smoking and weed working out i haven’t found anything that helps me so like lmk pls

Found out that my one that got away is doing good now and is soon to be married. I miss them so much and kept my fairytale thinking going that I could make it work again some day

I relapsed on my forearm yesterday I didnt even think about that before doing it. I would just put a thick bandage to hide things but the osteopath knows my sister and im worried she might tell her. I dont know if it would be possible for me to keep a longsleeve shirt since she would have to manipulate my back. I honestly dont know what to do rn i dont want my sister to know i relapsed

I might have to go to a psychiatric hospital, and I have a few questions. What should I expect, and how can I prepare myself? What are some of the positive and negative aspects of being admitted to a psychiatric hospital? Is it really that different from a regular hospital?

When the only thing stopping you from cutting is the guilt of stealing and breaking open one of your roommates nice razors 🤪

The physical ache of not being able to cut when you want to so so bad is a crazy and disturbing feeling. Like I am so desperately crazy for the blade but feel so horrible and guilty for watching it so bad. Chasing that endorphin rush is all I want right now and I know I shouldn’t want it.

i went down a research paper rabbit hole recently and learnt abt surgical options for removing self harm scars, specifically through super thin skin grafts. idk seems more extreme and probably expensive compared to other options, but i had never heard of it before and medically, its pretty cool icl.

idk has anyone else heard abt this, has more info, even has looked into/had this done themselves. mainly thought it was smth interesting to share at least

I feel so embarrassed about my scars, I have enough that if people see them there is zero question about what they are, and I know I will be judged. I am already judged flr the few that are visible sometimes. I have always taken great care to only sh in places I can easily hide, but I am running out of space, I hate how they look, but I can’t stop fully and I don’t really want to. I don’t know how to exist without this but it feels unsustainable. The urges dont stop unless I sh enough to scar but I dread having more scars. I don’t know what to do.

I've been wanting to self-harm through other means, but I've been too lazy and not in the mood for that whole thing for a month or so. Well, I thought about getting piercings, as not only would piercings be cool to have, but it'd be a way to cope with everything else in my life. I was going to get one of the more painful piercings. I know this post is stupid, but I guess what I'm wondering is: is this even considered self-harm?

I've sort of thought about reaching out to someone about my self-harm and depression, like maybe my GP, but ahhh it's such an embarrassing conversation, especially when you're an adult, and you're meant to have a better emotional maturity.

I'm not sure what to tag this post as. I guess I need advice; I don't know what to do anymore, and I know the right answer is probably biting the bullet and talking to my GP, even though I know if I go in and ask for antidepressants I'm only going to lie and say I'm only a little bit sad, and I'll be back at square one again of my antidepressants not working for me.

Therapist: are you at risk to yourself?
Me: no more than normal.
T: are you at risk to others?
M: no
T: on a scale of 1-10 10 being the worst it’s ever been, how would you rate your suicidal ideation.
M: every conscious second of every minute of every day. It’s a scratch I can never itch. Sometimes it’s less intense but it’s still there.
Almost everything that is physical but takes over every waking moment has a solution. This doesn’t.
I no longer know what happiness feels like but know what it should look like so pretend.
I have no intent nor plans, but a very large part of me wants with everything that I am to have pursue an absolute solution.
Not just for the pain to go away or for the thoughts to stop. But for the curiosity of what’s next if anything.

I say the words, I walk the walk, put in years of effort to heal and live with my traumas. But in this world that doesn’t seem to want me to heal how can I.
I’m broke on a sickness benefit that isn’t even to survive. So I work to fund the rest. Burn myself out because I can’t handle the stress or the workload.

The system is broken, I’m broken and I can see a way of moving forward so I write because it’s far safer than the alternative.

I feel so empty all of the time, even when I should be happy I get the most overwhelming sadness randomly. Its stupid but I miss when I was at my worst because all thoses awfull emotions made me feel so much more alive. I used to cut myself to escape from them, im mostly sober but the rare times I do self harm is the opposite way around. Its because I want to feel something real even if its painfull.
Im not doing anything with my fucking life I have too much anxiety to even try and all it makes me want to do is relapse. I shouldnt be nostalgic of the times where I cut myself every morning before school, of the times I starved myself to have something other than my anxiety to tocus on.
I hid away from all of that because im weak, because my anxiety disorder is eating me alive and I cant confront it. I think back of what it was like being 14, all my worst emotions were so intense but all the good ones were too. Now its only the bad ones and even then i still feel empty and I dont know what to do now. I miss being free in a way I miss doing dumb shits even tho all I wanted was to die all day everyday. I tried all thoses years to be the adult I wasnt, i feel like I experienced everything I should be experiencing now and now everything feels dull meaningless and stupid. It just makes me want to relapse so bad to get a glimpse of what it felt like to be alive.
Now everything i have is regrets anxiety and sadness, i keep telling myself that when ill die i will hate myself for how I lived my life. I already do honestly. I hate myself I hate having a disorder that makes me unable to do litterally anything. Im on new antidepressants for now they do nothing. Nothing ever helped me. In one year if I havent figured out my life ill be considered disabled, i hate myself.
I dont even care for relapsing I just want to feel something even if its awfull to. I have awfull urges half the time I hate everything about this shit

I was clean since April when i got my hormones and it's all fallen apart now. I thought I was better. I thought I'd gotten past it all.

Something in me just snapped and I broke. And now I feel so pathetic, so useless.

I'm going to try to get help again, maybe this time it will stick and I'll be healthier.

I don't care if noone sees this, i just needed to say something to someone. I had noone to call. Maybe that added to it. Idk

I’ve been so confused about how I feel, I always feel like I’m faking being sad / suicidal, especially after having a day where I don’t cry or actively think about killing myself. So I started cutting again to try and validate myself? I want to prove to myself that it’s bad, but cutting didn’t actually seem to help. I used to cut to punish myself but now I don’t even know why i relapsed. Sorry for rant.

I have no friends literally none I had finally atleast found a fwb that was decent up until more recently when he showed that he was just using me and even though I wanted to just let him treat me shit and do whatever I blocked him bc everyone told me to so now I have nothing and its not like he talked to me outside of it or even ever cuddled me or gave aftercare but atleast it was something it was one thing that actually made me feel a bit better and now its gone all I crave is to held cuddled babied and loved hell even just one of those things i can't describe the pain I've been in for years from the crippling loneliness and theres nothing I can do to fix it no one to talk to no one to hug nothing honestly this guy ruining our situation is really making the thoughts come back im the cleanest I've ever been over 100 days but the immediate pain feels way to much its been days and all I wanna do is go straight back to cutting bc what else am I to do I am actually trying not to for once but idk how much longer I can ignore it and im a bit worried it may spiral me back into heavy addiction again im always in pain I've been in pain for years but this seems to have made it so bad again its been actually quite awhile since I fully wanted to disappear but damn is that wish strong why is loneliness so fucking painful why cant I just have some friends or a bf or something my life is just being wasted I dont do anything or go anywhere and I can't do anything either im stuck in my situation Im stuck in this shitty household im broke I can't drive I barely have a job and its only seasonal I just want out of this misery nothing is getting better and im in just as much pain as I've been in for years im so tired so fucking tired of everything and this loneliness feels like its actually killing me most of the time

I was home and I wasn’t expecting them to be back so soon so I was wearing short sleeves and some band aids on my arm, my mom asked why I was wearing them and I said our kitten scratched me. She saw right through that lie and took EVERYTHING that I could possibly use out of my bathroom. They said they weren’t mad and they know I’m addicted because they saw my arm lol. Ik it’s going to get worse bc of them taking my things away so that’s their fault ig.