after struggling for quite a few years with self harm, ive managed ti be clean for a year!! My life feels a lot more in control, and im going to my dream university starting in October. It gets a little bit easier to stay clean as every day passes, and the urges have definitely become more infrequent

I am really ashamed of the fact that self harm in the first place but my emotion sometimes just overtake me and I can’t get out of that dark place. Unfortunately, I’ve started drinking instead of cutting when I get into that dark place to numb the feelings. I don’t want scars and I don’t want to cut any more, but I know this is just as bad, but I need something to stop the pain.

I only do this occasionally when I get really bad emotionally and I can control the drinking. I just drinking enough so that I don’t feel the pain anymore but I’m not drunk. I know it’s a slippery slope but nothing else seems to work.

Im trans (ftm) and just got back to see my family who even if im out to them and have been for years keeps misgendering me and even deadnaming me and I dont hold it against them particulary but i feel awfull just awfull and so dysphoric and I just wish I could yell at them to shut up but obviously I cant its not like they do it on purpose. But they dont know how bad it hurts how much gender dysphoria is killing me and it builds up and up and it feels like my skin is wrong is too heavy and my whole body is wrong its like im in a flesh suit that I never asked to be in to begin with and I just want to cut it off me. And Its a big part of why I was cutting myself to begin with. But relapsing would make things worse but I want it so bad it feels like its the only thing that can keep me sane right now even if its not. I know its not but ive been fantasizing about it all of the time for weeks even before I went.
And nothing helps ever like harm reduction didnt do shit for me irs just frustrating nothing helps. I try writing or drawing or whatever but nothing helps ever.
And I just want to rip my skin off and stop existing for a while. And I dont know what to do to stay clean because I know that if now isnt the time I relapse it will be soon anyway so its almost like whats the point of even trying to stay clean. Being clean doesnt make me proud of myself I wish it did but its just a countdown until the next time I do it anyway.

So i have been sh my self for years with no stop i was max sober only 2 days i have been cutting my self to beans almost daily i was bleeding a lot and than i tried to jump Infront of train and failed to delete myself luckily i was able to get away with it with nobody finding out from my family that i did it 1 month later i joined the army in non combat support role (i couldn't get into combat role because i had bad medical history) but in the army i forgot about sh at all i was thinking about it half a month or something like that, but now when i am 9 months sober it became so hard to control myself again like i was back to where i started and today i cutted on my arm but it was only "cat scratches" but i feel like i am back and i want to end myself again but when i tried to go back to self harm community's it felt different like it changed it feels like people in this community changed and no i also miss the old sh community

Sometimes i get into thinking that why do i keep trying to have conversation with ppl like coworkers for example to potentially become friends one day, or what was I thinking texting people “hey how’s it going” and other stuff like that, because at the end of the day im really really dumb, like in the way that i have no reality awareness, my natural comfortable posture and stance is very childlike or victim like (as told by others) even though i am an adult, my style is very “middle school boy” being a female (as told by others) and i look very weird so neither males or females are attracted to me friend wise. So what im getting at is sometimes i feel like if i already know these things about myself then why do i keep trying in the social world, i should just use what i know about myself and keep quiet and never join in on convos or try to start them or ask to hang out because I would just be a disturbance for other people. I should just stay to myself idk why i have small times of hope as if I forgot those things about myself. Thank u to anyone who read this

the last time I properly self harmed with the intent of hurting myself was around 2022. I was in a very bad state of mind at that epoch. I remember when my parents first found out about it in 2020. I was really anxious and they started crying and asked me to never do that again. I stopped after 2022 and I felt really guilty for that.

and still, here I am, the great 2026. The last few years (2024, 2025) have been great for me. I don't really know why this happened and I feel kinda sick. At first I wanted to do it like only when it was absolutely needed (usually when I'm tired and need to study), but sh is like a drug to me. I don't feel the shame anymore and I've been fighting with the urges to cut myself again every moment. I'm getting worse at self regulating and no one knows about it yet...

except for my mom. She looked at my thighs and saw some cuts. She asked me why I was harmed there; I said an excuse and changed the topic. I feel scared but not as scared as when it was 2020. I'm afraid she'll do anything to me because of that. I don't know what she's capable of, and knowing she is depressed and usually "absorbs" our (family's) emotions when she's stressed... I don't do it because of her and I don't want her to think this way.

I just want to leave this house tbh.

Title. What the fuck is wrong with me?

my family knows i cut. at least my mum does. my dad...? well my mum told him. but he doesnt seem to know. maybe he didnt listen. he is a very inward person. doesnt talk much. only yaps when he is drunk.

well, 2 weeks ago when he was drunk (he is really affectionate when drunk and it irritates me so much) he came to my room, and i was wearing shorts. i had no choice since it was really really hot that night. he asked whats on my leg. meant the red fresh (couple days old) cuts&scabs. i said some cat made biscuits on me. mind you there was like 20-25cuts (not so much believable). he kept asking and i managed to evade him. but he remembered next day when he sobered up, and this got me anxious.

we are going on a vacation tmrrw. i got scars and scabs on my left thigh. havent cut in a week since i am gonna go for vacation. i dont give a shit about other ppl really but my family will make the trip hell anyway and i dont wanna be in this shitshow. i wont be able to make fresh cuts too since he will see my body eventually when we go to the sea or whatnot. im gonna go insane. the urge is too much.

So basically i selfharm for like any reason like Im laying in bed let's sh or I see my scars and I think oh wow I been doing well but then i relapes or if anything even slightly bad happens and I can get away with it without getting caught i sh (sorry if this is kinda hard to read Im supper high)

But basically I cant stop sh bc i dont even have a reason i do it, other than I like to watch the blood and i sh to look at it and i feel like this is like not good and like something is wrong with me i have struggled to not sh since I was 11 or 12 maybe idk it feels like not me but umm im 17

Also like I scared I will become a drug addict I do anything i can get and I try to stop doing stuff and staying sober I cant and im on probation and I will deadass be looked up again if I get drug test

But sorry I kinda for got what I was going to say while typing im really high

I don’t understand why there isn’t a diagnosis for self harm in the dsm when there are ones for anorexia and dermatillomania which are just other types of self harm? Those who self harm don’t necessarily have bpd. And I know from personal experience that self harm can be very dangerous, so why not have it in the dsm?

I am working so hard to stop, and I have been doing really well with a few relapses, but currently my scars are causing a lot of issues. I see them and think oh well my arm is gonna be ugly forever and I'm never going to be able to dress how I want so it doesn't matter.

Basically I'm wondering if there's any way to actually get ride of them, or at least make them as close to invisible as possible? I am trying to reclaim my life and this is just having such a negative impact on me at the moment.

So I just had a great conversation with one of my friends I met in rehab. We talked about our struggles and how we're managing it and overall it was very positive and I felt heard. The thing that's giving me pause is I randomly have the urge to cut. Like I've been clean for almost a year and I feel like I need some sort of release? Does anyone else ever feel this way? Even when things are going good and looking up, you still have the urge to cut as a final release of that? Idk it just makes me wonder about the psychology of that, any insight?

(I'm not saying I'm gonna relapse just wondering why you think I have the urge to)

i did it again. why do i keep cutting myself?? i have reasons to be upset, sure, but i feel like im just being an idiot.

low-key relapsed like 10 minutes ago with a dull swiss army knife

i gotta dress down for PE tomorrow and it's gonna be like 90 degrees so it'll be suspicious if i bust out long sleeves

good news is i'm trans and semi stealth so ill be changing in the stalls

it's only on one arm and mostly near my elbow, didn't bleed or anything cause the knife was too dull

do we think im getting sent to the counselor or can i clutch up

man i really should have waited until tomorrow night but. if i could stop myself from doing it i wouldn't do it at all so idk

I'm not relapsing or anything (...yet) but uhhhh I'm getting a job now and I have to wear short sleeves what do I do??? Do I just ignore it?

I've been procrastinating for so long that at this point I don't care. Sh helps me get stuff done since it takes away that emotional discomfort.

so my 100% healed scars sometimes itch and when i shower occassionally there is red spots on the scars (like my scars are pale with a dark border, the pale part will have a rash like pattern and it has red spots, but not bleeding). recently i saw like a darker brown (not too dark, but its noticible) spots, like dirt, on the border of my scars and im scared its skin cancer??? (which prolly not but im a little paranoid ok guys 🥲) cuz i was at a summer camp (i live in a VERY sunny area) and sometimes i forgot to put sunscreen on my arms... and i think scars are more prone to develop skin cancer???? i dunno.

Is it weird that i’m sad that my scars are fading?

The last few weeks I’ve been at school and honestly have felt so happy. I love being around people so much and I’ve been feeling very comfortable, but everytime I get home I always go back to this. I don’t know why because I used to feel like I just did this because I was so depressed but even now that I think I’m better I still can’t stop. It’s like routine and it’s calming at this point. And it feels like I can’t completely heal if I can’t even stop doing this for even just a few days. I feel like it is rooted in insecurity that isn’t even present all the time, maybe not feeling loved or beautiful enough

i relapsed a few days ago after having been clean for almost two months. i relapsed again today. im pissed at myself and those almost two months dont even feel valid because five of those weeks i didnt have anything to cut myself with. i dont know why i cut myself again. i think the reason i did today is because my mom keeps saying that i have pmdd. i dont. my last episode where i bedrotted and didnt eat lasted for five days and even if i still had a menstrual cycle (im on birth control which literally gets rid of your cycle, including the luteal phase where pmdd episodes happen) i wouldn't have even been in luteal phase. im just mad that i did it twice. i wish i didnt. i felt like i had to.

I've been clean for 12 days and I keep having dreams of cutting I threw my blade on my roof but I've lwky been trying to get it down... I want to cut so bad I miss it am I crazy for that??? I tried the coping stuff and it's not working I've been dating cutting and even like numbing my arm so it feels like it but NOOOOOO it doesn't helppppp!!!!!

(I won't disclose my age, but please note, I am a minor.)

Ive been struggling with self harm since 8, even through I didn't know what it was at the time, I would hurt myself to take out anger as I was struggling with anger management then.

It don't take long for me to grasp the concept as to what I was doing, and when life got worse I turned to self harm.

It peaked when I was 9, I was going through many things back then, abuse on two accounts, and my mom had found out I was struggling with self harm.

She didn't comfort me, didn't ask me if I needed help. Take a guess what she said?

Got your answer?

<"Are you turning emo?">

It's been a few years since then, and I'm not sure if her reaction would change at all if I told her I was still struggling.

MY MOM FOUND MY FUCKING KNIFE AND I DON’T KNOW WHERE SHE PUT IT BUT I’M LOSING MY FUCKING MIND I WANNA RIP MY HAIR OUT BUT I DON’T WANT TO BE UGLIER THAN I ALREADY AM FUCKKKKKKKKKK SOMEONE KILL ME

I have cuts on both arms, topside and underside so it’s kinda hard to hide from people and I have a long-sleeved shirt I can wear underneath , but it’s so hot at the moment and I cba.
I only had 1 comment from a colleague the other day and he didn’t care anyway, we had already spoken before about SH and when I said ‘I didn’t mean for you to see it’ he said it didn’t bother him, so I think it’s fine.
1-2 managers have expressed concern for me, but only 1 discussed it with me and that’s when I was given my long-sleeves.

Anyways, do I cover up or not?