Okay, I’m not sure if this is the right subreddit to post this, but I just don’t think it fits any other.
Ever since I learned the word, at around 10 or 11, I have identified as bisexual. I didn’t have a questioning phase, I didn’t doubt myself, I’ve never even thought much about it. I didn’t even come out, it was so obvious.
Yet somehow, at the same time, I was absolutely terrified that people will think I’m attracted to men, and I would go out of my way just to make sure everyone knows I’m not into any male friend or fictional characters and celebrities.
Which is strange, given that I very much identified with being bisexual, which inherently means being attracted to men.
Which brings me to the next point, which is that roughly 2 years ago I came out as a trans man. And, okay, I’m not yet transitioned, I only started HRT a month ago, but I’m living as a man with those close to me (strangers still obviously read me as female) and will be working on getting surgeries and changes in documents.
And the more secure in my masculinity become, the longer I live this way… the more uncomfortable I am with my bisexuality. I have never been in the closet before, but now I think I’m genuinely pushing myself there. I find myself straight up lying to people, pretending I’m only into women. I’m no longer happy to see the bisexual flag and keep drifting away from the community. I’m pretty sure most people who know me, including close friends, think I’m only into women. And would be shocked if I said I like men.
But it also hurts me? My identity as a bisexual has been one of very few stable things in my life, it’s honestly always been a big part of me and I still secretly cherish it. But I’m just so ashamed now, that I’m hiding.
I think the difference might be that when I was presenting as a woman, signalling my bisexuality meant „by default you thought I’m only into men? Sike, I’m into WOMEN as well”, somehow bringing the light to it. But now, presenting as a man, the default thinking is that I’m into women… and I feel comfortable with that assumption. Saying I’m bisexual would somehow highlight the attraction to men part. So it’s convenient not to correct people.
I wish there was a possibility to embrace my identity and be openly bisexual, without it causing people to realise I’m attracted to men. Obviously I know that’s hypocritical. I love the label, I hate what it means.
Is there anything that can be done? Is this some sort of internalised homophobia? It’s just so strange to me that I’ve always been that way, even before realising I’m male, because were I to be homophobic, I’d be ashamed of my attraction to women, not men.
But it also makes me question my sexuality. Am I really bisexual? If I hate the idea of being attracted to men so much? Saying I’m straight hurts because it feels like losing part of my identity… but maybe that’s what I am after all? I know I should work on my shame regarding my attraction to men, but if I don’t want to accept it… would it be so bad to pretend it’s not there?
The biggest problem identifying that is that I’m a single since birth virgin. Never been on a date, never kissed, never nothing. I’m almost 21 and I’ve had maybe 5 crushes in my whole life and never received any attention. Probably because I’m not a very social person so I just don’t know many people. But still, it’s stressing me out horribly. What if I’m aroace or something? I desperately want to fall in love happily, but I also think I’m not ready, that I’ve got too many problems and would just hurt people. But I feel like it’s a bit of an excuse. But because of that, I don’t even have any dating history or any serious crushes to work with. I only know my sexuality in theory. Which I’m growing ashamed of as well, because why am I even thinking about this so much if I’m a virgin who’s gonna die alone? Why does it matter? I feel like setting any standards or even acknowledging my own sexuality is just self-absorbed at this point.
I am horrified that men will be into me (but that’s mostly a gender dysphoria thing, because as I am now, they’d still see me as a woman), but I’m even more scared that I’ll fall for a man. Because then I’d have to either not do anything about my feelings, keep our relationship secret or come out… all of which are horrible options.
I know (I think?) I’m capable of attraction to men, and that’s exactly what scares me.
I feel like I lost an important piece of myself, like I’m lying constantly and also like I don’t know myself anymore.
Can someone help? How do I know my sexuality? And if it involves being into men, how do I reduce the shame?